This might sound like an impossible question, but I'm interested to hear if there are signs I'd be seeing if my soon-to-be ex is serious about his recovery. I know it looks different for different people, but there must be some things in common?
This isn't about reconciling with him. I'm very much done with the marriage and his recovery is all his...nothing to do with me. I ask because I'd like to start allowing the kids to visit him at his place without my supervision if he's ready for it.
Let me back up. We've been married 20 years and he is a very severe alcoholic. I mean very similar to to the character on Leaving Las Vegas. He almost died 2 different times last year and was hospitalized. They didn't think he'd survive detox the second time. And of course he has a history of getting clean for a couple months then relapsing.
So he came out of rehab 11 months ago and went into sober living and is still there. I have full temporary custody pending the divorce so I control his interaction with our kids (9years and 15 years old). He SEEMS to be doing really well and he does a breathalizer test at the beginning of each visit. He sees them 3 times a week for 3 hours each time in my home.
So here's my concern. I saw him progressing in leaps and bounds his first 6-7 months. He claimed to be going to meetings every day. Then he seemed to stop progressing and regress. He became bitter about the divorce again, refused to comply with the divorce court orders and just seems unhappy half the time these days. He also started picking fights with me (again) in front of the kids and I had to stop speaking with him and only communicate through text.
Wouldn't he be getting kinder and more thoughtful of others by now? Oh, and he says he finished his "ammends" step but he never made ammends to me. Is that a bad sign? Lol, I'm not trying to force ammends but I was pretty blown away when he told me he had just completed that step. Oh, maybe he was purposely looking for a reaction from me. That's his old behavior!
I'm not looking for any guarantees of anything here. I know not to have any expectations. I more want to gauge where we are so I can make better decisions for the kids. I thought of seeing a therapist together to sort this out but he's too manipulative. He snows therapists. What might I be seeing at this point in recovery? Thanks for any input!
My knee jerk reaction is maybe he's just a jerk.
He sounds depressed. He doesnt have control of his life. Taking breathalyzer test and being monitored would make me angry. He might feel he is above all that now. I think he is headed for a relapse.
I hope you are going to therapy for yourself. Its so hard trying to keep your kids safe and yourself sane .
He sounds depressed. He doesnt have control of his life. Taking breathalyzer test and being monitored would make me angry. He might feel he is above all that now. I think he is headed for a relapse.
I hope you are going to therapy for yourself. Its so hard trying to keep your kids safe and yourself sane .
Tallgirl I don't have personal experience with a one year sobriety. I do know from a large well respected study relapse is around 50% after 1 year. At 5 years relapse is much less. I think I would have to sit back and watch for a while. What people do and what they don't do is very telling about their commitment and genuineness.
My first thought is that this is his true personality . My son was happily in recovery for 3 months doing meetings, IOP, playing golf, found new friends, he was killing it. but he still was not happy on the inside. Needed a break from reality, gave himself permission to relapse. We are now 4 months into a relapse. I gave him altimatum today. More direct than usual, pay me 300 on payday or live somewhere else for two weeks. Pay me on the next payday. He can live here for 2 weeks.
Sounds simple. He fluffed me off. He thinks this will just blow over with good behavior
Sounds simple. He fluffed me off. He thinks this will just blow over with good behavior
There is really no way to know until you see concrete signs, like smelling it, or other things. Mood swings are common in sobriety, and he may be going through moods from dealing with his past.
Kudos for how you are handling this. You sound like you really have a plan and are sticking with it!
There are multiple steps to the amends make a list, later, tell people. So, you could have an amend coming, or he could be too proud to ever tell you, or he could be trying to piss you off/get a reaction (as you said) :)
I just wanted to say that you seem like you have come along way and are taking care of you, so that is great!
Kudos for how you are handling this. You sound like you really have a plan and are sticking with it!
There are multiple steps to the amends make a list, later, tell people. So, you could have an amend coming, or he could be too proud to ever tell you, or he could be trying to piss you off/get a reaction (as you said) :)
I just wanted to say that you seem like you have come along way and are taking care of you, so that is great!
Good for you, NY.
The day after his rent is due, all his stuff should be sitting on the driveway. Maybe you could ask your husband to do this, and you could leave for a couple days?
The day after his rent is due, all his stuff should be sitting on the driveway. Maybe you could ask your husband to do this, and you could leave for a couple days?
When my son completed his 90 day in patient rehab in 2016, he too was killing it. He saved his very good job, was working out, visiting us. helping with his elderly grandma, being present & involved BUT, completely dropped everything - no aftercare, no sponsor, no meetings. He was doing a new daily routine, but he was lonely & got depressed. He refuses anti-depressants & counseling, absolutely refuses. But he still seemed to have a handle on life. I think he first used again approx. after 1 year of sobriety. But he hadn't returned to old behaviors until later in 2017. Around October 2017 he stopped visiting Grandma & when she was dying I would call & tell him he needed to come now, he asked "do I really need to come?" When he did show up, he showed up with an old friend who has been an addict as long as my son. For 6 months after Grandma passed my son was all over the place, showing up at our house, pacing, can't sit down, won't look you i the eye..... June 2018, car accident at work, mandatory drug test, terminated from job, moved in with new girlfriend and here we are. Son is entrenched back in his drug induced paranoia & blames his ex-employer for ruining his life. Doesn't show up when he's supposed to, shows up unannounced, leaves after 5 minutes, calls ranting & raving...... back on the merry go round. We are holding firm - he's not sucking us in again. We tried to help for years and NOT ONE SINGLE thing we did helped him get sober. So this is the life he is choosing and my heart is breaking. He's mad at us right now & not calling because my husband told him he might get a little more sympathy if anyone could see him getting help for himself.
Wow mntmom he had 1 year of sobriety. Does he ever show signs or talk about wanting to detox and go back to rehab? Do you mind if I ask what drug his addiction is to? Thanks for sharing with us.
tallgrl - Maybe your ex was doing well and had expectations of some sort. Now 11 months later, maybe his expectations were too high and he is disappointed. Don't go to therapy with him. keep detaching, don't get sucked in. keep it all black and white. let him take care of him. you take care of you.
Parenting - lol - I wish I could do that. but I probably will let the issue pass and keep talking and hope he pays me at the next check. were both just tired of it and tired of putting effort into it.
mtnmom - That's so heartbreaking. to know how well your son can do and then to see it all fall apart. it must be the drugs that dumb them down so much that they don't see consequences.
Parenting - lol - I wish I could do that. but I probably will let the issue pass and keep talking and hope he pays me at the next check. were both just tired of it and tired of putting effort into it.
mtnmom - That's so heartbreaking. to know how well your son can do and then to see it all fall apart. it must be the drugs that dumb them down so much that they don't see consequences.
SallyAnna, yes one year - he smokes meth. One thing that is hard to listen to is his "bravado" - he is really quite arrogant & thinks he is smarter & more sneaky than anyone. He brags (even when he is clean) about drug use & things he did. He brags about never using a needle or heroin as if that make his addiction "better" It's really quite disgusting. He has all kids of excuses why he won't detox or see a therapist or got to rehab, so we stick to our line "family would be more sympathetic to what you are going thru if you would do one thing to help yourself...."
Mntmom I really like your repeated response to him. It really puts it back on him. Its interesting he brags and boasts. Was he like that before the addiction? I have trouble thinking any of our kids/adult children are happy people...Its very sad. I know my daughter is not happy.
He's been addicted so long I can't remember what he was like. I don't like to talk to him when he's using or coming down, he lies & manipulates. He was with his co-dependent girl friend/wife/ex-wife for YEARS!!! They'd fight, split up, he'd get high & call us with crazy stories that he was hiding from the police with helicopters overhead or weird explanations for injuries, bruises, etc but he was living with her, not us. He wouldn't call us for months on end, moved to a different state, bought a house & loved it there..... but he loved meth more, wife got very sick - minor shoulder surgery, had a blood clot go to her lung, took her MONTHS feel better. My son could not be a supportive, caring, helpful human being to her. She went into self preservation mode & got a job back in original state at old company. Moved back & rented the house that they bought, but then my son started taking the rent money they collected for drugs instead of paying the mortgage & they lost the house & the tenant. It's just one crisis after another but he didn't involved us, he hid from us. But when he went to rehab, it was a whole new lease on life & he was fun, responsible, great to talk to, funny..... for a while
One would think sobriety feels so good and so much healthier than the addiction, they would want to keep sobriety going as a lifestyle. Its so complex though with triggers, brain changes, coping skills, relationship and work skills, cravings, etc...it must just seem easier for them to default back to the addiction. I know the people who do maintain sobriety really work hard at it by going to regular meetings, developing a strong support system, changing their friends and environment. They have to really want it. Mntmom thank you for sharing about your son.
Yes, SallyAnna - I agree, their addiction changes everything about them & affects everything about them. My heart is broken but I will always hope he will choose to find more than meth for his life
