What I Learned About Living With An Addict

I have received a couple of emails, asking me to repost my introduction, here it is.

Take care and happy new year. Sean


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My name is Sean and my wife is an addict/alcoholic who has been clean in recovery for around 12 months or so. 12 months is a huge achievement for anyone who has been abusing substances daily for 10 years. Her drug of choice is opiates and mainly abused over-the-counter codeine but has a 10 year history of substance abuse which started at age 15. My father is a sober alcoholic (30 years).

I know what it is like to live with an addict. The fear.. dreading that each day could be her last. Countless trips to the Emergency Room due to the side effects of her taking 1500 mg of codeine a day (at its worse) plus the odd pethidine injection, abuse of benzos like valium.. culminating in haemorrhaging gastric ulcers, seizures and heart arrythmias, bacterial endocarditis and septicaemia. Coming home drunk 3- 4 nights a week and then waking up with a hangover while I looked after the kids.

I know what it is like to try and get them to stop, to slow down, to reduce their daily intake. To see them neglect their family, children, partner everything. Not understanding the disease of addiction and trying to control their illness.. knowing the insanity that their addiction brings.

Attending Al Anon and Nar Anon meetings saved my life. I grew to understand that I was enabling my wifes addiction by going to the pharmacy for her, hiding her addiction from her family, covering for her with the kids and tolerating some disgraceful behaviour. I learned how to let go, how to love without being co-dependant, how to care without enabling, how to call her on her behaviour.

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A few thoughts in dealing with friends and family who are addicts..

You can't control their addiction or behaviour. They can't control their addiction but they are responsible for their recovery.

Everyone needs to decide where to draw the line in deciding whether to stay or go, but if you are staying because you "afraid what they will do if you leave" then you are letting their addiction control you. If they refuse to get help their addiction will only get worse and your fears of death or serious illness will become reality in any case. Draw a line in the sand and stand firm if they cross that line.

Take the onus for recovery and place it firmly on the addicts shoulders. If they "say they can beat this" then hold them accountable and cut them loose until they have, say... 6 months clean time up and regularly attend NA meetings.

Just because you leave, doesn't mean you cant return if things improve.. but one NA meeting, rehab, detox or counselling session is not recovery. Make sure they are serious and have clean time behind them before you think about taking them back. As Elizabeth Taylor said in "National Velvet" .."you can never return if you dont leave"

You can still support someone's recovery if you have ended the relationship. Don't let the addict control you by claiming that they cant cope without you.

If you are scared of being alone, remember that if you stay and enable an addict that you will end up alone anyway. Give yourself and themself an opportunity to have a normal life.

If you are posting here because you think they may be using, then they almost certainly are. At the end of the day though, make decisions on how they behave and how you feel.

Al Anon and Nar Anon can help you. If you expect an addict to work the steps then lead the way and be a role model by attending meetings yourself. Meetings will help you, they will teach you, they will provide greatly needed support and fellowship, and the addict knows that they can't keep "bulls***ting" you once you attend Al Anon and Nar Anon. Many addicts will actively try to discourage you from attending these meetings. This is a sure sign they are working :)

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meet...gs/meeting.html

http://www.naranonmi.org/meetings_worldwide.htm

If you are having trouble finding a meeting in your area, email me at rightontrackinoz@hotmail and I will see if I can find one in your area.

As a nurse I can help with some technical questions though I avoid giving medical advice in most cases.

Last of all, I have been running a codeine addiction suppoirt website for 12 months now. 500 addicts and 50 clean in the last year, the group is self-sustaining. If you need info on codeine addiction or detox please feel free to email me.

Best wishes
Sean

Thanks for posting this...you have given me some great ideas on how NOT TO enable my boyfriend. One thing I don't do anymore is cover or lie for him like I used to. I don't allow him to see me while he's using, or coming down no matter how bad he needs to be with me.
I've done some harsh things to him but I feel it was the right thing to do such as phoning the police on him for doing crack in my apartment and also for stealing my cell phone.
I've turned him in twice for crimes he's committed (which was stealing money/merchandise) from stores he worked at to support his habit.
Last may I was in school for computerized accounting. He had just gotten his jeep and had now found a new way to get crack more often, by lending his dealers his jeep. He would go out all day and night binging and come by my place crying and needing a place to sleep at 5 in the morning. I never let him in, I made him sleep in his jeep. I never saw him during this time, not while he was using. I was having a hard time with school but that is what I needed to concentrate on, not his addiction. I was afraid he would overdose and die but still, I couldn't do anything to help him.
And when his dealers have called my place, I rudely told them not to call my place. I've even seen their number on my phone, called them and told them never to call again. I finally had a police officer phone one persistent drug dealer and threaten him so that stopped.
So I'm hoping I'm still not enabling him in any way. I just don't put up with his crap anymore.
I am tired of the constant relapses, but I've told him he's on his own for recovery. I no longer can help him.
I'VE BEEN ENGAGED TO A GREAT GUY FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS. WHEN I MET HIM I NEVER KNEW LOVE LIKE WE HAD . I WAS MADLEY IN LOVE WITH HIM (NOTHING COULD TEAR ME AWAY). THEN HE RELAPSED ALOT ND, I FORGAVE HIM UNTIL THE PHYSICAL ABUSE STARTED . I ENDED UP MOVING ACROSS COUNTRY ONLY TO COME BACK 4 MONTHS LATER TO A BUNCH OF BROKEN PROMIES. HE HAS GOTTEN VERBALLY ABUSIVE AND PHYSICALLY AS WELL . I HAVE GOTTEN PRETTY SCARED FOR MY SAFETY. I AM LEAVING SOON AND NOT RETURNING THIS TIME . HE HAS STATED HE WILL GO BACK INTO REHAB SOON,BUT TOO MUCH HAS BEEN SAID AND DONE ,I COULD NEVER FORGIVE THE PAIN HE HAS CAUSED ME AND MY FAMILY. HIS DRUG OF CHOICE IS COCAINE ,OR CRACK . IN ONE NIGHT HE SPENT OVER $1000 ON DRUGS .I CAN NOT UNDERSTAND HOW ANYONE CAN DO THAT. WE STRUGGLE TO PAY THE BILLS ,EVEN THOUGH HE MADE OVER $100,000 THIS YEAR . I KNOW I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING , BECAUSE REALLY DON'T THINK REHAB IS GOING TO WORK ,HE'S 37 YEARS OLD AND I DON'T THINK HE HAS WHAT IT TAKES...
Sean,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You give me hope for the days to come. I am learning as I go and winging it at times.....but I don't enable, or control......Control I know you have over nothing, once I realized that things finally started to make sense. This by far has been the hardest thing I have faced in my life, and I have been to hell and back at times. I thank god everyday for what I have, my spirit, passion, compassion and my faith in myself and those that surround me.
Take care,
Tina
Dear Sean, I think you are giving such valuable support to those on this site. Your experiences give honesty and guidance to those who are in need.
Thank you
Sean, thank you. And to Misty Eyes.
I discovered my husband addicted to codeine six years ago. After so many bad bad health issues and surgeries the doctors just kept changing the drugs - vicodin, ms contin, dilaudid, you name it. Mixing with alcohol just paralyzes him and our family. He attended rehab this fall for 28 days and is in an outpatient program and meetings. This week he relapsed pretty badly (as far as I'm concerned) with alcohol. I did all of the reactionary things - called his doctor, rehab center, even sponsor. Looking for someone to help me or give me another avenue for him. The answer is simple - he has to know he needs help, he has to ask for it. He is disabled and unfortunately cannot live on his own. No one in his family is offering to take him in - so I am at a loss. The last 24 hours he has been sober, apologetic and remorseful. He went to an AA meeting yesterday and is going again today. I don't think I am fooling myself into thinking its over, but it is complicated. He has medication for chronic pain that I have to lock and administer...it all adds to this lousy situation. Its real easy to be the 'bad' guy, but I have been hammering home that I am not. Surprisingly enough, his addiction doc never called me back. Maybe the doc is trying to let me know that there is nothing more I can do - not sure. We have a baby and I am so sad that when the paranoia/illness/substance abuse kicks in he probably couldn't even tell you that our baby is in the room. Yet, in the moments of sobriety, can't get enough of him. I don't know what the final answer is or how to physically walk away due to his situation. His physicians do not have an alternative route for me in terms of a possible assisted living home or something. I will check out the codeine site and get to a meeting. I haven't yet for some unknown reason other than working non stop and trying to learn to be a parent and trying to survive at home and keep him alive. I spend a fortune on a sitter during the day so its tough at night and I also just want two hours a day with our baby. I don't know how this illness can cripple people who didn't start out as bad people to not even see the good around them.
Thanks for joining us. We are all struggling for answers . . . many of us are still searching for the questions. Stay with us a while and do try to carve out time to make a support meeting -- or at least, just for today, make the decision and commitment that you will work on finding a meeting, i.e., meeting place, date, time, travel arrangements, arrangements for your baby, etc. That, in and of itself, is a huge step forward for you . . . and your husband.
Sean,

Now that your wife has been well, are the two of you together again?

I think one of the things I have not been able to do yet is separate the addict from the person. I have no doubt that I want my husband to get his life back and thrive...but I do not know if I could ever get back together with him again because I do not know if I would be able to get past the addict in him.

I am still confused about whether it was the addict or the husband who lied and deceived, whether it was me and our family he did nt care enough about or whether it was the desease that got the better of him. It is the proverbial question of the chicken or the egg.


Charly,
my wife and I are separated but this is not related to her addiction. My advice is to judge your husband on his behaviour once is in recovery full-swing.

Mosts addicts will lie cheat and steal... its soemthing they do, it's not who they are. Let him find recovery and get substantial clean time behind him (6-12 months) and then see how things are looking.

Al Anon/Nar Anon will help you heal and forgive.

bump
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Hello everyone. I am A recovering alcoholic 2 1/2 years. i haven't gone to any meeting s for some time now. I work and am raising my Daughters. Me and my B/f have been together now for 5 years. We have not lived together at all during this time, and i often wondered why. I love him very much and have since we've been together. We have had the best friendship along with our relationship. He stood by me as my life collapsed due to alcohol. I have recently found out he is completely addicted to oxycontin's, and is in the fight of his life, trying to wean himself down to nothing. He is even willing to go on Meth to beat this addiction, which I don't think is the answer.

Anyways yesterday he came to see me for a bit, and let out he had taken an extra half a 80 mil pill the night before. I was a bit upset a that, I asked that he take me home after we picked up the vitamins i bought him to help him with his battle. I did talk to him later on the phone and I let him know that no matter how much I love him I cannot and will not stand by him if he continues to use and very possibly kills himself due to these pills. He has left his home and children to try and kick his habit. But it is his dealer who is helping him do this and that doesn't sit well with me. it hurts so much. I know that if i give up on him i will not be happy about it, i half to give him this time to help himself.but how do i look at the helper, who helped get him so sick?