My head is totally burnt out. About 3 weeks ago I was released from prison and put into a resettlement unit, after 2 weeks I was really struggling and did what comes naturally - I went and scored. Before I went out I ran all the scenarios through my head, I knew my probation officer would ask for me to be re-called, I knew how much my family would suffer and most importantly I knew how I would feel. Despite all of this I went out bought one of each, and everything I knew would happen has happened. I am due to be recalled for a further 6 months, my family are devasted and I am feeling pretty low as well. Why when I knew exactly what would happen did I still buy into what my head was telling me? The madness of addiction and I fall for it every time!!!!
Hang on, Danny, someone will be along with some wisdom for you. Keep trying, never give up...
Danny
I feel for you. The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and as you can prove-very powerful. This disease wants us dead at our own hands. Going through a 12 step program has helped me realize that the end results are jails, institutions and death. Can you plead temporary insanity? Promise to do the things that you didn't do? Like staying away from thse people, places and things that deal with drugs?
I hear getting clean is easy. It is staying clean that is hard.
This is some hard stuff to do. Just try and stay clean for 24 hours at a time. I am hoping you get a second chance Danny.
Good Luck
Dawn
I feel for you. The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and as you can prove-very powerful. This disease wants us dead at our own hands. Going through a 12 step program has helped me realize that the end results are jails, institutions and death. Can you plead temporary insanity? Promise to do the things that you didn't do? Like staying away from thse people, places and things that deal with drugs?
I hear getting clean is easy. It is staying clean that is hard.
This is some hard stuff to do. Just try and stay clean for 24 hours at a time. I am hoping you get a second chance Danny.
Good Luck
Dawn
Danny, addiction is a mind f****. We know what sh*t it will bring us still we still do it..?? WTF. Doing the same sh&t and expecting diffrent results...guilty of it aswell. Gutted to hear about your recall, but get on the addiction workers case and try to sort things out. I got started on Naltrexone 3 days before i got out last year and apart from a few slip ups all has been well. Wishing you all the best, Kev
..Even thou you knew wot wud happen it still reeled you in like a goodun..as ya stated you thought about the consequences but the gear still gets the better of addicts more than not..we end up arguing with our own thoughts like we're arguing with sumone else, and it continues until we give in to it n going out and scoring..even thou we ain't been in your exact situation we've all been at that point of wanting it wotever the circumstances or wots goona happen if we score ?..but we do/did it n deal with the s*** thats gonna come our way after its done..just mental strength n willpower has kept me off it and knowing that if i do go back to it i'll probably be on it for the rest of my days..as ya probably know, ya ain't gonna be ready to stop until ya ready..Robbie..
hi danny, that's so gutting! it really does just highlight the overwhelming pull gear addiction has over you. when i have tried to describe the feeling to people who don't use, it's so hard b/c it's like nothing else in the world. think how hard people find it to give up fags - it puts any supposed "failure" or "giving in" into context.
as one of the other posts said, if there is no way out of going back inside, maybe you will have to use the situation to make it worthwhile. they have lots of courses and group meetings for drug users and all don't they? having never been inside, i hope i'm not talking idealistic rubbish. i hope i'm not!
and maybe that extra time inside will give you a little longer to get yourself strengthened against using when you're out. my boyf was inside for 2.5 yrs and didn't use the whole time he was inside. unfortunately, he got back on it not long after comforting out. it's a notoriously precarious time. so don't be hard on yourself.
i can understand that you feel frustrated and pissed off and angry - i would too. but from an outsiders point of view, i can say don't be too hard on yourself and try and realise that you just weren't ready for such a test. and that's cool because you can learn from it and hopefully do it differently next time. and in the meantime, you can get stronger and stronger.
here's hoping anyway!!!
chin up and hope everything goes ok and works out for the best. take care.
as one of the other posts said, if there is no way out of going back inside, maybe you will have to use the situation to make it worthwhile. they have lots of courses and group meetings for drug users and all don't they? having never been inside, i hope i'm not talking idealistic rubbish. i hope i'm not!
and maybe that extra time inside will give you a little longer to get yourself strengthened against using when you're out. my boyf was inside for 2.5 yrs and didn't use the whole time he was inside. unfortunately, he got back on it not long after comforting out. it's a notoriously precarious time. so don't be hard on yourself.
i can understand that you feel frustrated and pissed off and angry - i would too. but from an outsiders point of view, i can say don't be too hard on yourself and try and realise that you just weren't ready for such a test. and that's cool because you can learn from it and hopefully do it differently next time. and in the meantime, you can get stronger and stronger.
here's hoping anyway!!!
chin up and hope everything goes ok and works out for the best. take care.
Hang in there Danny-
I know people who KNEW that if they fuqked up once more that would be violated & charged as a 3 time loser & face heavy prison time.
It doesnt have to be that way. Focus*- As difficult as it is , try to think of the consequences. Hell they have to be a lot more unpleasant than kickin a dope habit.
Your a bright dude ,you dont have to be told that scoring & relapsing is a common thing. As hard as it was I changed my behavior only after I got so sick of court dates, police, public defenders who didnt give a sh*t, and disappointing my family. Also in my case, I used (& am still using methadone treatment)- I will not recommend that - as every situation is different.
If you can get on a "clean roll" you will notice that thing's do get better. The problem is ,I think most of us want to see things get better immediately- even though we know it dont work like that
keepintouch
jack
I know people who KNEW that if they fuqked up once more that would be violated & charged as a 3 time loser & face heavy prison time.
It doesnt have to be that way. Focus*- As difficult as it is , try to think of the consequences. Hell they have to be a lot more unpleasant than kickin a dope habit.
Your a bright dude ,you dont have to be told that scoring & relapsing is a common thing. As hard as it was I changed my behavior only after I got so sick of court dates, police, public defenders who didnt give a sh*t, and disappointing my family. Also in my case, I used (& am still using methadone treatment)- I will not recommend that - as every situation is different.
If you can get on a "clean roll" you will notice that thing's do get better. The problem is ,I think most of us want to see things get better immediately- even though we know it dont work like that
keepintouch
jack
i have just got back to the computer, and i have to admit i was pretty overwhelmed by the response - thankyou. it has been a funny old week-end. i bumped into and spoke to quite a few people i haven't seen in a while. people who normally i would be ashamed to talk to. (my addiction hits me hard and sometimes i just cannot face people, instead i ignore them) anyway this week i thought to myself 'Danny just be honest with these people' if they didn't want to know me as a result of my honesty well perhaps it wouldn't be such a big loss anyway. because i've been doing what i've been doing for so long, its not a case of pretending to be anything other than an addict. i'm not dishonest in that respect, instead i am dishonest about my feelings and how i actually feel about myself and my life. so this week-end when this person and that person asked me how i was i told them straight, and do you know what i felt much better for it, and i also felt that the people i was speaking to felt more at ease speaking about reality rather than the superficail, clear bulls*** that we usually go through. furthermore i have realised i need to lighten up. i am definately not minimilsing things (that would be impossible i live with the evidence of my lifestyle 24/7), however its important to bring things back into perspective. ok i will spend a further 6 months in prison, but relatively speaking when compared to the amount of time i have already spent in prison 6 months is no big deal. so tomorrow morning i hand myself in and during the next 6 months i will do whatever i can to prepare myself for the many challenges that lie ahead. to continually beat myself up over what has happened is futile and my energies can be better spent focusing on something more positive. Peace Danny
Hi Danny, yep addiction is a funny old thing, but it doesn't want us dead at our own hands, your addiction doesn't think, it's the ADDICT not the ADDICTION who takes care of that side of the business. All your addiction wants is heroin, that's the only master it serves. Only you can know what was going through your head at that particular moment. You knew the outcome before you even scored. But you still did it. I guess the addict within you thought that it was worth the risk. I like to view my addiction as two separate entities within me. There's the me who has been there always, and the addict who I created by using heroin. When the addict is in the ascendancy, we do all kinds of crazy stuff, and we don't care too much about the consequences coz the addict never thinks beyond it's next fix. Only you can put the addict into a cage, and you have to have a good enough reason to do that. It's only when your flat on you back, and totally overwhelmed by the "crazy stuff", that you can put your hands up and say "I've had enough - I can't do this s*** anymore". You already know what needs to be done, and there ain't no short cuts. It's the whole reinvention of yourself. Cut the ties, permanently. Just walk away from the whole mess, and start repairing the damage. OK, you got another six months. Spend that time planning your next move, just how you're gonna go about packing up that addiction, putting it back in it's cage, and what you are gonna do instead. Addiction loves a vacuum, and will easily fill that space if you're not. Yes, it takes time to rebuild and fill the void, but in the mean time, you gotta be standing there with your metaphorical shotgun, ready to fill it with lead if it sneaks out of it's cage.
You got yourself into this mess, only you can get yourself out of it. Fairy godmothers are just a myth!
take care out there
Diff x
You got yourself into this mess, only you can get yourself out of it. Fairy godmothers are just a myth!
take care out there
Diff x
ive said this so many time but ill say it again i wouldnt have the recovery i do now or the ability to SAT clean if not foe my relapses--if you make it out alive its just as good a tool as any other of our recovery tools to help you stay clean and it seems you are at a beeter place (mentally)m because of it--and you never know if the right people see the turnaround it may not be what you think--i dont know where you are from but i know here in the states jails and prisons DO NOT do a good job of rehabilitating addicts and preparing them to re-enter "life" i think it should be a gradual re-entrance rahter than such a sudden one...im no expert but ive seen many people who are highly institutionalized and it takes much more to get them back on the road of recovery than someone who has not spent alot of time incarceratied--wish there were better answers, but its not working the way its set up now, youd think they would try a different approach. good luck to you--if you want someone to write to you i will--e-mail me at kcbbbamity@birch.net
Hi Danny, yep addiction is a funny old thing, but it doesn't want us dead at our own hands, your addiction doesn't think, it's the ADDICT not the ADDICTION who takes care of that side of the business. All your addiction wants is heroin, that's the only master it serves. Only you can know what was going through your head at that particular moment. You knew the outcome before you even scored. But you still did it. I guess the addict within you thought that it was worth the risk. I like to view my addiction as two separate entities within me. There's the me who has been there always, and the addict who I created by using heroin. When the addict is in the ascendancy, we do all kinds of crazy stuff, and we don't care too much about the consequences coz the addict never thinks beyond it's next fix. Only you can put the addict into a cage, and you have to have a good enough reason to do that. It's only when your flat on you back, and totally overwhelmed by the "crazy stuff", that you can put your hands up and say "I've had enough - I can't do this s*** anymore". You already know what needs to be done, and there ain't no short cuts.
Diff...no one could have said that any better..Danny...its so the truth...no way out but in and through...dont mean to butt in....but im right where you are Danny...just in different circumstances...i knew when i started back what might happen...and i STILL went out and did it anyways....i dont know ...Diff said it all...
Diff...no one could have said that any better..Danny...its so the truth...no way out but in and through...dont mean to butt in....but im right where you are Danny...just in different circumstances...i knew when i started back what might happen...and i STILL went out and did it anyways....i dont know ...Diff said it all...
