Hi, Tonight my husbands just back from picking up my 33 yr old AD. She crashed her car off the road and into a tree. It's totaled! Then she was issued a ticked for no insurance and no registration. Her face has had a couple of stitches below her eye and the whole side of her face is swollen and bruised. It will be worse in the morning. So in the last month she has spent $10,000 dollars plus on shooting up Cocaine when she disappeared for a week. I ended up having to wrap up her arms they were so bad with track marks. Then the following Wednesday she vanishes on a binge and gets her money stolen and her head split open then stapled. 2 days later she is still has cocaine in her bloodstream, Xanax, and methadone, not to forget a bad concussion swerving all over the road. Stopped for that and charged with reckless endangerment,and OUI. Two days later she is at a gas station locked her keys in the car and trying to pry open the car window with a tire iron. Someone called the cops and she is taken and tested again and charged with revoking bail or something like that. Each time the car has been towed and impounded and her boyfriend or her has got it out again. Does anyone know what will happen to her with all these charges against her? She tells me tonight she isn't a drug addict. She has been going to a methadone clinic for 7 years and still going and doing drugs on top of 40 mg of that. I can't believe she isn't dead or killed someone with the way she has been acting this last month. Just Wednesday there she disappeared for 2 days again saying she slept in a Walmart parking lot. I don't believe her. I try talking to her but it's no good. She lives with her boyfriend and one or two nights with
me. I thought things couldn't get any worse and now this. I'm handling this a lot better and more calmly because of this website and being able to talk to you all about it. Thanks for listening to me. I am worried she is going to jail?? M.
Hi Mandm,
"Earth" folks, normies ( people with no addictions ) tend to see jail as a bad thing. And no doubt it can cause some lasting consequences once the person gets sober. But the truth is she'll be safer in jail. It's hard to let go of our dreams for our children. We know the problems a criminal record can cause. They have already shown us that 'success' is going to look different for them.
I know a man who served 17 years in prison and he's been sober for years and has a degree and great job in addictions counseling.
You can't control it... Keep praying, love them and step back. There is nothing you can do to alter her course. This is not your fault. Go to Al or Narc-Anon and they will teach you how to love without 'saving' and how to see to it that you don't lose your mind while waiting for your AD to decide to get her life together.
Best wishes,
Persephone
"Earth" folks, normies ( people with no addictions ) tend to see jail as a bad thing. And no doubt it can cause some lasting consequences once the person gets sober. But the truth is she'll be safer in jail. It's hard to let go of our dreams for our children. We know the problems a criminal record can cause. They have already shown us that 'success' is going to look different for them.
I know a man who served 17 years in prison and he's been sober for years and has a degree and great job in addictions counseling.
You can't control it... Keep praying, love them and step back. There is nothing you can do to alter her course. This is not your fault. Go to Al or Narc-Anon and they will teach you how to love without 'saving' and how to see to it that you don't lose your mind while waiting for your AD to decide to get her life together.
Best wishes,
Persephone
mandm,
I can feel your anger, frustration and all that goes along with being a parent who's child is an addict. My daughter's life sounds very similar to yours. I don't think they'll put her in jail but by experience from what happened to my daughter, is that she went to court and they made sure she went out patient program and had her urine checked, etc. over a 90 day program. The only thing that temporarily stopped her from using dope was the threat of maybe going to jail. she was petrified.
but when she graduated the program and paid her two separate fines to two different towns because of doing something illegal while driving, they stopped following her and let her on her own.
guess what? she's using again. I really really thought this was the end of her doping. she's tried before multiple times but the court thing and having to go to jail over her head was the only thing that worked. I hate to say this, but I HOPE my daughter gets in trouble with the law again so that she'll stop drugging.
my husbands blood pressure is so high, my Immune system is weakened, all because I feel I it's my responsibility to stop her from drugging or killing herself.
I found a post here that a mother of an addict posted back in 2012, it really is helping me and I hope it does you if you haven't read it yet.. I'll paste it.
Quote;
"Recently someone asked me what I had done to help my daughter. The only thing I could think of was that I had finally stepped out of her way and let her help herself...allowed her to own her pain, and subsequently her joy. I found it was easier to think of those things I had done that had NOT helped her."
Here's my list (and it's a looong one) for what it's worth:
Things that DONT help
1) Anything we do for them that they CAN and SHOULD do for themselves.
Examples:
-Running interference with schools or employers
-Making excuses for them (He sick, shes depressed, she had a hard childhood, he has chronic pain, he really wants to be clean, he needs me, shes so youngfill it in with your favorite)
-Paying debts to ANYONEloans, dealers, bills
-Giving them money
-Calling hospitals, detoxes, rehabs, doctors
-Holding or doling out medications, especially risk-reduction meds like suboxone or methadone.
Being a whirlwind of activity helps us, not themit makes us feel like we are doing something when in actuality we are spinning our wheels. It relieves of us of some guilt we may be feeling about how this could happen in our family, because really, this is all about us (NOT).
2) Pretending that what we do is for them when it is really for us. This is a hard one to get past because in the beginning we are absolutely convinced that our motives are pure and unselfishwe want to helpwe MUST help. Upon closer examination however, we will discover that much of what we have done has been for us, to satisfy ourselves that we have done everything possible to stop this train, and to maintain the illusion that what we are doing is helpful
3) Watching.
The kind of vigilance some of us exercised in the beginning (and some still do) is painful to recall. Watching moods, checking phone bills and cell phones, counting pills, sitting with them watching movies or playing games to take their minds off things (as if!), asking 'polite' questions about their day or their feelings.
4) Monitoring meeting attendancethis one is a form of watching and is big: Did you get to a meeting today? You said you were going to a meeting. Do you need a ride to your meeting? Isnt this your meeting night? What step are you on? Do you have a sponsor? Here, I bought you a Big Book. How was your meeting? Did you like tonights meeting? Arrrrggggh!!!!
Even worse is going to meetings with them. If you need a meeting, get yourself to AlAnon. Going to NA/AA meetings with them is a form of voyeurism and an invasion of privacy. The last word in the name of ANY 12 step program is Anonymous. The same is true of finding an online recovery community and sharing that with themicky.
5) Keeping score.
Scorekeeping is part of watching. You said you were going do X or Y but you havent. I thought you were supposed to A or B, have you? I have done A,B, and C, but you have not done X,Y, or Z. Score keeping can also mean counting sober time.
6)Talking.
Try listening instead. Saying it louder, or saying it differently, or saying it more is all the sameeventually no one hears you. You will know when you are talked out because you will be as sick of the sound of your own voice as they are. Talking includes asking questions, lots and lots of questions.
7) Controlling.
You cant. Stop trying.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. (Dr. Irene Matiatos) This gets back to doing for them what they should do for themselves. See #1.
8) Guilting.
This is just one more way to make it about us. How could you do this? What are you thinking? (Believe me, you dont want to know.) Whats so hard about your life? Dont you care about ____? Watching you do this is killing me. You wouldnt if you loved me. (I cant really love you because I dont love myself.)
9) Picking up the pieces.
Allowing one to learn from ones mistakes is one of the greatest dignities we can offer. Viewing the wreckage of the past is necessary and vital to growth. Every time we indulge in #1, of which #9 is a part, we tell them that we do not believe in them, that we do not see them as capable, that we have no faith in their ability to do the right thing,that they cannot take care of themselves. We send a message of incompetence and powerlessness, and chances are good they already feel this way, so all we do is reinforce a lousy self-image.
10) Shrinking or Sponsoring
You are not your loved ones doctor, therapist, or sponsor. All of your so-called understanding is annoying and makes it about you again. Stop trying to get into her head...it is not someplace you should be. Everything you are learning about addiction is powerful if you use it to help YOU, but once you use to be disgustingly understanding or to try to 12-step your loved one, it becomes the tool of the devil. Instead ask yourself why you are so addicted to your addicted loved one...why it is so hard to tell where she begins and you end.
11) Having expectations.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. On the other hand, having low expectations leads to excuse-making (see #1).
12) NOT working on ourselves.
It sure is easy to look at the addict and believe that all would be right in our worlds (and more importantly in our interior lives) if only.
Instead, try looking at what you contribute to the dynamic. What is it in us that makes us need to project-manage them and their disease? What is the sickness in me that I feel that all positive outcomes hinge on what I do or say? Once again, it's all about me.
13) Seeing your situation as special or different.
This has a name in 12 step settings: terminal uniqueness. We are all terminally unique. In codependents this most often takes the form of Shes so wonderful, sweet, funnywhen shes not using. Yep, they are all terrific, sensitive souls when the drugs have not robbed them of that. Your addicted loved one is no more or less special, spiritual, kind, creative, loving...(fill in the blank) than any other addict, including those junkies you see outside meetings or in line at the clinic.. Everyone is someones father, wife, child, friend. Your family member may just more fortunate in education, economics, community support, or family structure. None of us are more special than another. There but for the grace of God...
This is awesome.. I copied it and am going to use it so I can heal ourselves and get off the roller coaster.. hope you find it helpful.
I can feel your anger, frustration and all that goes along with being a parent who's child is an addict. My daughter's life sounds very similar to yours. I don't think they'll put her in jail but by experience from what happened to my daughter, is that she went to court and they made sure she went out patient program and had her urine checked, etc. over a 90 day program. The only thing that temporarily stopped her from using dope was the threat of maybe going to jail. she was petrified.
but when she graduated the program and paid her two separate fines to two different towns because of doing something illegal while driving, they stopped following her and let her on her own.
guess what? she's using again. I really really thought this was the end of her doping. she's tried before multiple times but the court thing and having to go to jail over her head was the only thing that worked. I hate to say this, but I HOPE my daughter gets in trouble with the law again so that she'll stop drugging.
my husbands blood pressure is so high, my Immune system is weakened, all because I feel I it's my responsibility to stop her from drugging or killing herself.
I found a post here that a mother of an addict posted back in 2012, it really is helping me and I hope it does you if you haven't read it yet.. I'll paste it.
Quote;
"Recently someone asked me what I had done to help my daughter. The only thing I could think of was that I had finally stepped out of her way and let her help herself...allowed her to own her pain, and subsequently her joy. I found it was easier to think of those things I had done that had NOT helped her."
Here's my list (and it's a looong one) for what it's worth:
Things that DONT help
1) Anything we do for them that they CAN and SHOULD do for themselves.
Examples:
-Running interference with schools or employers
-Making excuses for them (He sick, shes depressed, she had a hard childhood, he has chronic pain, he really wants to be clean, he needs me, shes so youngfill it in with your favorite)
-Paying debts to ANYONEloans, dealers, bills
-Giving them money
-Calling hospitals, detoxes, rehabs, doctors
-Holding or doling out medications, especially risk-reduction meds like suboxone or methadone.
Being a whirlwind of activity helps us, not themit makes us feel like we are doing something when in actuality we are spinning our wheels. It relieves of us of some guilt we may be feeling about how this could happen in our family, because really, this is all about us (NOT).
2) Pretending that what we do is for them when it is really for us. This is a hard one to get past because in the beginning we are absolutely convinced that our motives are pure and unselfishwe want to helpwe MUST help. Upon closer examination however, we will discover that much of what we have done has been for us, to satisfy ourselves that we have done everything possible to stop this train, and to maintain the illusion that what we are doing is helpful
3) Watching.
The kind of vigilance some of us exercised in the beginning (and some still do) is painful to recall. Watching moods, checking phone bills and cell phones, counting pills, sitting with them watching movies or playing games to take their minds off things (as if!), asking 'polite' questions about their day or their feelings.
4) Monitoring meeting attendancethis one is a form of watching and is big: Did you get to a meeting today? You said you were going to a meeting. Do you need a ride to your meeting? Isnt this your meeting night? What step are you on? Do you have a sponsor? Here, I bought you a Big Book. How was your meeting? Did you like tonights meeting? Arrrrggggh!!!!
Even worse is going to meetings with them. If you need a meeting, get yourself to AlAnon. Going to NA/AA meetings with them is a form of voyeurism and an invasion of privacy. The last word in the name of ANY 12 step program is Anonymous. The same is true of finding an online recovery community and sharing that with themicky.
5) Keeping score.
Scorekeeping is part of watching. You said you were going do X or Y but you havent. I thought you were supposed to A or B, have you? I have done A,B, and C, but you have not done X,Y, or Z. Score keeping can also mean counting sober time.
6)Talking.
Try listening instead. Saying it louder, or saying it differently, or saying it more is all the sameeventually no one hears you. You will know when you are talked out because you will be as sick of the sound of your own voice as they are. Talking includes asking questions, lots and lots of questions.
7) Controlling.
You cant. Stop trying.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. (Dr. Irene Matiatos) This gets back to doing for them what they should do for themselves. See #1.
8) Guilting.
This is just one more way to make it about us. How could you do this? What are you thinking? (Believe me, you dont want to know.) Whats so hard about your life? Dont you care about ____? Watching you do this is killing me. You wouldnt if you loved me. (I cant really love you because I dont love myself.)
9) Picking up the pieces.
Allowing one to learn from ones mistakes is one of the greatest dignities we can offer. Viewing the wreckage of the past is necessary and vital to growth. Every time we indulge in #1, of which #9 is a part, we tell them that we do not believe in them, that we do not see them as capable, that we have no faith in their ability to do the right thing,that they cannot take care of themselves. We send a message of incompetence and powerlessness, and chances are good they already feel this way, so all we do is reinforce a lousy self-image.
10) Shrinking or Sponsoring
You are not your loved ones doctor, therapist, or sponsor. All of your so-called understanding is annoying and makes it about you again. Stop trying to get into her head...it is not someplace you should be. Everything you are learning about addiction is powerful if you use it to help YOU, but once you use to be disgustingly understanding or to try to 12-step your loved one, it becomes the tool of the devil. Instead ask yourself why you are so addicted to your addicted loved one...why it is so hard to tell where she begins and you end.
11) Having expectations.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. On the other hand, having low expectations leads to excuse-making (see #1).
12) NOT working on ourselves.
It sure is easy to look at the addict and believe that all would be right in our worlds (and more importantly in our interior lives) if only.
Instead, try looking at what you contribute to the dynamic. What is it in us that makes us need to project-manage them and their disease? What is the sickness in me that I feel that all positive outcomes hinge on what I do or say? Once again, it's all about me.
13) Seeing your situation as special or different.
This has a name in 12 step settings: terminal uniqueness. We are all terminally unique. In codependents this most often takes the form of Shes so wonderful, sweet, funnywhen shes not using. Yep, they are all terrific, sensitive souls when the drugs have not robbed them of that. Your addicted loved one is no more or less special, spiritual, kind, creative, loving...(fill in the blank) than any other addict, including those junkies you see outside meetings or in line at the clinic.. Everyone is someones father, wife, child, friend. Your family member may just more fortunate in education, economics, community support, or family structure. None of us are more special than another. There but for the grace of God...
This is awesome.. I copied it and am going to use it so I can heal ourselves and get off the roller coaster.. hope you find it helpful.
It's hard for me to find the right words to respond to posts like these because I feel as if I"m coming off as an uncaring parent. I've been on this merry go round too, and there comes a point where you've got to get off just to save your own sanity. I remember the first time someone told me I should back away and let my son face the consequences of his own actions, and I remember being angry and thinking what awful parents they were. " How dare they? My son is not like their child at all. My son is different" Well, you know what? He's not. He's an addict just like rest of them. So is your daughter, no matter how much she denies it. It's a hard truth for any parent. Addicts lie.. to us and to themselves and it's easier on us and them to believe that lie.
You and your husband can not save your daughter. She has to be the one who decides enough is enough and wants to be sober. It's time she faced the repercussions of her actions. If that's jail time, or living without a car, then so be it. She's not going to get sober living with you either. Why should she? She's got food in her belly and a nice warm bed. She's not forced to be responsible for herself because you're doing it for her. You've got to stop trying to save her from herself. It's not working.
Where is the money for drugs coming from? Are you sure she's not stealing from you? I would have bet my life my son would never steal from me, but I was wrong. Hugs, L
You and your husband can not save your daughter. She has to be the one who decides enough is enough and wants to be sober. It's time she faced the repercussions of her actions. If that's jail time, or living without a car, then so be it. She's not going to get sober living with you either. Why should she? She's got food in her belly and a nice warm bed. She's not forced to be responsible for herself because you're doing it for her. You've got to stop trying to save her from herself. It's not working.
Where is the money for drugs coming from? Are you sure she's not stealing from you? I would have bet my life my son would never steal from me, but I was wrong. Hugs, L
I don't know if your daughter will end up having to serve any time but I agree that it would be a blessing at this point. I just keep waiting for my son to be arrested on his warrant. It's the lesser of all the evils. I also agree with "themom", it appears that you're still doing quite a bit of enabling. Read all the other stories on this forum. Unfortunately, there are not a ton of success stories and the ones that are shared are mostly by recovered addicts. They all say the same thing, "the best gift you can give your addict child is the gift of desperation" Our addicts need to feel all of their pain, all of the consequences for their actions and maybe, just maybe they'll choose to put as much effort into recovery as they choose to put into their addiction. I have definitely figured out from my AS, rock bottom can be very very low or non existent for some. Good luck and I hope you can start to heal yourself. I'm working on it every day.
Thanks girls, your all so great! I appreciate all of you!! Better days are ahead. :-) M.
It's often said here that they have to hit bottom before they will ever start to help themselves. I know I would have described several events in my daughter's life as rock bottom....my kicking her out of the house for stealing, the first time she was arrested, losing a fifth job in a year, teeth falling out, crying on the phone to be let back into the house and being told no, having to give up her beloved dog. But it wasn't rock bottom to her.
We don't think like addicts, which makes it so impossible to understand.
And standing back in the face of your child's pain is gutting. But they are their own self-inflicted wounds.
Strength to us all!
We don't think like addicts, which makes it so impossible to understand.
And standing back in the face of your child's pain is gutting. But they are their own self-inflicted wounds.
Strength to us all!
^^^ I totally agree. Loved ones that are addicted do not comprehend or have the same logic, sympathy, empathy we have, we have to find the strength to persevere through all the pain and set them free by letting them go and making those choices alone. One day i hope, they will snap out of it and realize the damage they've caused and work on themselves while we work on our mental and emotional recovery as well.
take care and much love xoxo
take care and much love xoxo
