My bf is a crack addict. We don't live together, he still lives at home. I don't know what to do, we used to go out and do things together, but now he just likes to stay home and do nothing because we have no money. I pay for bills, rent and food. What money I have left over I treat myself or put into my savings. I NEVER lend him money. He doesn't do crack all the time, maybe once or twice a month, he's a functioning addict, although in the past he has spent thousands of dollars on his addiction a month.
Well when he does decide to use, he expects me to stay home so he knows where I am. Why should I put my life on hold for him? I go out with my friends, be it a movie, bar or shopping. He constantly calls my cell phone and asks where I am, when am I going home. I'm afraid not to answer or I'll never hear the end of it.
When he's through doing his crack, I get into crap for going out with my friends (only if its clubbing) because he's jealous and thinks I'm going to get drunk and cheat. I told him, if he didn't do crack, which bothers me, then I wouldn't feel the need to go out drinking. Going to clubs isn't exactly my choice for fun, but if all my friends are going, it sure beats sitting at home. I told him from now on if you do crack, I'm going out take it or leave it! Am I just going to make things worse? I don't know what to do anymore.
Julie,
Although your boyfriend has a very serious problem, you also have several issues you may want to consider. Your situation is so familiar I could probably tell you more about what you are experiencing than you have already told me.
What you are about to read is my honest evaluation, opinion and advice, based on hundreds of cases almost identical to yours.
I am not going to sugar coat my words to you. If my words seem unkind to you, they are not meant to be. Because of the serious nature of the problems you both face, my complete honesty may seem harsh.
First, your boyfriend: He is an addict. You both know it. What he does not know is that he needs professional help as quickly as possible. The longer he continues to use, the deeper into denial he will go. At some point he will no longer be able to make a logical and rational decision to stop doing drugs. Unless he gets help, and soon, he is in for a horrible future.
Crack, even in small', or recreational' use, effects the body, mind and Spirit of the user. This always happens to everyone who uses. There are no exceptions. He, like all addicts, is in denial. He believes he can control' his addiction, or stop any time I want. He is wrong. You already know this, I'm sure
Professional help is available. If he does not have money or insurance, the help is free. Your local hospitals, and the Human Services section at the back of your telephone book will give the names and numbers of various agencies. Your local group of N.A. (Narcotics Anonymous) or A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) is a phone call away. Their help and suggestions are excellent, confidential and free.
Now, for your question: Let me tell you what I actually hear, as I read your post.
You are asking me if you should voluntarily make yourself a prisoner! Should I sit here and give up my life, my friends, my fun, my youth, while my boyfriend goes out and slowly kills himself? Should I exchange any freedom and fun I might have so that I can watch this horrible nightmare get worse? Should I prepare to give up any money or material possessions I own? I know he spends money he can not afford, for crack. Sooner or later he will no longer want to work, or be able to work. At that time he will beg, borrow and steal from me and everyone else. What can I do to make sure he has enough from me to continue to use?
Instead of having a life of my own, should I study the horrible progression of crack addiction? That way I will know what I am seeing, as he slowly goes deeper into a living Hell?
I can not answer these questions for you.
Only you know the price you are willing to pay.
I can tell you this, with absolute certainty: If your boyfriend continues to use, everything I mentioned will happen. Everything. I promise this is true.
Your part is entirely up to you. If you want to verify any of this, use the same resources I suggested your boyfriend check out. Any professional will tell you exactly the same thing, and possibly more.
Although your boyfriend has a very serious problem, you also have several issues you may want to consider. Your situation is so familiar I could probably tell you more about what you are experiencing than you have already told me.
What you are about to read is my honest evaluation, opinion and advice, based on hundreds of cases almost identical to yours.
I am not going to sugar coat my words to you. If my words seem unkind to you, they are not meant to be. Because of the serious nature of the problems you both face, my complete honesty may seem harsh.
First, your boyfriend: He is an addict. You both know it. What he does not know is that he needs professional help as quickly as possible. The longer he continues to use, the deeper into denial he will go. At some point he will no longer be able to make a logical and rational decision to stop doing drugs. Unless he gets help, and soon, he is in for a horrible future.
Crack, even in small', or recreational' use, effects the body, mind and Spirit of the user. This always happens to everyone who uses. There are no exceptions. He, like all addicts, is in denial. He believes he can control' his addiction, or stop any time I want. He is wrong. You already know this, I'm sure
Professional help is available. If he does not have money or insurance, the help is free. Your local hospitals, and the Human Services section at the back of your telephone book will give the names and numbers of various agencies. Your local group of N.A. (Narcotics Anonymous) or A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) is a phone call away. Their help and suggestions are excellent, confidential and free.
Now, for your question: Let me tell you what I actually hear, as I read your post.
You are asking me if you should voluntarily make yourself a prisoner! Should I sit here and give up my life, my friends, my fun, my youth, while my boyfriend goes out and slowly kills himself? Should I exchange any freedom and fun I might have so that I can watch this horrible nightmare get worse? Should I prepare to give up any money or material possessions I own? I know he spends money he can not afford, for crack. Sooner or later he will no longer want to work, or be able to work. At that time he will beg, borrow and steal from me and everyone else. What can I do to make sure he has enough from me to continue to use?
Instead of having a life of my own, should I study the horrible progression of crack addiction? That way I will know what I am seeing, as he slowly goes deeper into a living Hell?
I can not answer these questions for you.
Only you know the price you are willing to pay.
I can tell you this, with absolute certainty: If your boyfriend continues to use, everything I mentioned will happen. Everything. I promise this is true.
Your part is entirely up to you. If you want to verify any of this, use the same resources I suggested your boyfriend check out. Any professional will tell you exactly the same thing, and possibly more.
Julie,
I agree with "guest" are you going to make yourself the prisoner? I know what it is like to be that prisoner,though my situation is different. I have been married for ten years and we share a child. I have always been a "kept" woman, never having to work and support myself. My husband's addiction took over so quickly and all I could do was sit back and watch.I knew what was happening but I couldnt stop it and he was in denial and couldnt admit that he was spending all of our money on pills. We have gone from being financially secure to rolling change. He is on methadone maintenance now,but that too costs money. I have had a terrible time finding work after being unemployed for so long and most of the time he is still not able to work.
My advise to you, go out with your friends,dont sit at home because he wants you to.Does he control your life or do you?Loving someone makes us do things that we shouldnt do (in our own best interest).So, he's jealous?Is he jealous or is he feeling guilty because he is doing something that you dont approve of and like, and is afraid that you may do something that he doesnt like.Either way, its your life sweetie. I understand what it is like, I went through this with my husband when he was using. He was never jealous before he started using but as his addiction got worse, so did his guilt and the accusations.
I agree with "guest" are you going to make yourself the prisoner? I know what it is like to be that prisoner,though my situation is different. I have been married for ten years and we share a child. I have always been a "kept" woman, never having to work and support myself. My husband's addiction took over so quickly and all I could do was sit back and watch.I knew what was happening but I couldnt stop it and he was in denial and couldnt admit that he was spending all of our money on pills. We have gone from being financially secure to rolling change. He is on methadone maintenance now,but that too costs money. I have had a terrible time finding work after being unemployed for so long and most of the time he is still not able to work.
My advise to you, go out with your friends,dont sit at home because he wants you to.Does he control your life or do you?Loving someone makes us do things that we shouldnt do (in our own best interest).So, he's jealous?Is he jealous or is he feeling guilty because he is doing something that you dont approve of and like, and is afraid that you may do something that he doesnt like.Either way, its your life sweetie. I understand what it is like, I went through this with my husband when he was using. He was never jealous before he started using but as his addiction got worse, so did his guilt and the accusations.
