Hello everyone I have a26 year old son who is an addict and also on parole he has been in rehab jail sober living and halfway houses mandated by his Po He just got out of jail a couple of months ago and he is using again he is staying with me and my husband we really don't know how he is fooling his Po when he gets tested. My husband wants him out of the house but I can't seem to do it My husband is threatening to call his Po like that she can handle it and I don't want him calling is there any other way to handle this situation. Please help
Hi again. Please please let me know if there's another way that we can get our loved ones to get help besides kicking them out I know that if they are not ready they will not get help but tough love for me is not the answer either is there a middle ground I need to believe that Dehumanizing a person that abuses drugs is instrumental to there recovery is wrong they have enough going on does anybody believe that addiction is a disease that our loved ones don't want to use but that there bodies needs the drug to survive and its extremely hard to recover without relapsing I don't know maybe I am wrong I just never thought that I would end up thinking about burying my 26 year old son to herion abuse Facts : it's going to destroy me when I have to bury my son So I ask is there a middle ground ?
Read as much as you can here...your husband is right...you've got to cut him loose....his using is on him and between his PO and himself...your gonna help him to death if you don't let go...find an alanon or Naranon meeting you can go to...they will show you how to detach with love...you didn't cause it...can't control it and can't cure it....im a heroin addict...and if ive got a nice place to stay. ...food..and bed...money...people to do everything for me...why get clean....please read the threads here...the family members will be by soon....hang in there. .
Con
Con
Thank u so much I will try to let go but I am already getting anxiety about it
My 30 year old son is a heroin addict. I understand how hard it is but you are not helping him by giving him a place to stay, food to eat, etc... That takes care of the necessities so he can focus on using. Jail and possible consequences from violating his probation were not enough to keep him from using, nothing you do will make a difference for your son but you can do things to make a difference in your own life. Set boundaries for yourself and for your home. It is imperative for your sanity. Your husband is right, he shouldn't be living with you. Your son is a grown man and he is the only one who can decide he's had enough.
God bless,
Michelle
God bless,
Michelle
Hi Shannivia,
I'm sorry to hear about your son. Seeing your loved ones suffering with addiction isn't anything I would wish on anyone. I was reading your response about how you feel that kicking them out and tough love is not the answer. It looks like your addicted loved one has already experienced legal ramifications of their disease? To be honest, if being jailed as a result of his using hasn't made an impact, then cushioning their fall by providing food & lodging won't make a dent. All it will do is make you feel like you're doing something to help them but it's a hindrance to them, not help.
You can't want recovery for your son, he has to want it and work toward it. You need to take care of you and get out of the way. Only then can he help himself. Like Con said, if you can get to a nar anon or al anon meeting, you should go. It will help, really.
I'd also recommend reading. A few posts here - one is titled "What Not to Do" and the other is "Let Me Fall All By Myself" - pretty self-explanatory. Please take care.
I'm sorry to hear about your son. Seeing your loved ones suffering with addiction isn't anything I would wish on anyone. I was reading your response about how you feel that kicking them out and tough love is not the answer. It looks like your addicted loved one has already experienced legal ramifications of their disease? To be honest, if being jailed as a result of his using hasn't made an impact, then cushioning their fall by providing food & lodging won't make a dent. All it will do is make you feel like you're doing something to help them but it's a hindrance to them, not help.
You can't want recovery for your son, he has to want it and work toward it. You need to take care of you and get out of the way. Only then can he help himself. Like Con said, if you can get to a nar anon or al anon meeting, you should go. It will help, really.
I'd also recommend reading. A few posts here - one is titled "What Not to Do" and the other is "Let Me Fall All By Myself" - pretty self-explanatory. Please take care.
go to Nar-Anon. people there are helpful and have been through what you are going through. you will hear your same story and be able to tell yours. the purpose of nar-anon is to help YOU live in spite of your addicted loved one. you will learn not to enable. they may have suggestions for resources in your area.
We do have help for our addicts. Rehab, hospitals, NA, AA, meetings, programs, half way house, sober house. your son chooses not to go to these organizations for help.
Briefly, here is the first step in Nar-anon. if possible, ask your son to leave. It is the easiest way to detach, stop enabling and try to focus on keeping YOUR life sane. At this point you need to save yourself. your son has to save Himself.
If your loved one is living at home, it is helpful to have a contract will 3 to 5 basic rules.
1. no using drugs
2. curfew -
3. job -
4. pay own bills and rent
If he breaks the rules, he is out. He know what he needs to do.
I saw this work for one family. the list was: first month get a job, second month buy a car, third month move to own apartment. -- sober living house.
It is difficult and we all struggle. It does not make sense to us, yet we look for a sensible answer. = insanity
your husband is right - life is too unmanageable with your loved one at home.
We do have help for our addicts. Rehab, hospitals, NA, AA, meetings, programs, half way house, sober house. your son chooses not to go to these organizations for help.
Briefly, here is the first step in Nar-anon. if possible, ask your son to leave. It is the easiest way to detach, stop enabling and try to focus on keeping YOUR life sane. At this point you need to save yourself. your son has to save Himself.
If your loved one is living at home, it is helpful to have a contract will 3 to 5 basic rules.
1. no using drugs
2. curfew -
3. job -
4. pay own bills and rent
If he breaks the rules, he is out. He know what he needs to do.
I saw this work for one family. the list was: first month get a job, second month buy a car, third month move to own apartment. -- sober living house.
It is difficult and we all struggle. It does not make sense to us, yet we look for a sensible answer. = insanity
your husband is right - life is too unmanageable with your loved one at home.
thanks again everyone for your advise The thing is that I know exactly what to do but u c his 4 year old daughter my granddaughter which by the way is very smart loves loves loves her dad I worry about how this is going to impact her we have her every weekend and every holiday and every time her dad goes away she is so sad we tell her he went away to school and that he would c her in a couple of months OMG the look on her face the disappointment I can't keep this up any longer I want to leave my husband this disease has taken more then my son I will start to greave both my relationship with my son and that of my husband I need to move on. And I have done meetings that's how I found out he was into herion the other parent blamed my son for her sons drug use. Go figure it did help I got stronger but her I go again. I just need to do me I fell trapped and no where to cry scream shout because I have to be strong for me and my family I have to hold my husband up so who's holding me up Thanks for listening. But believe me I will not let this break me !!!!!!!
re: granddaughter. many families posting are taking care of their grandchildren. children are more resilient than you think. They will not remember every bad detail, unless you make a big deal out of it.
A relative has a child, her boyfriend became an addict, went to jail shortly after the child was born. each time he was 'home' from jail he lasted only a few months, almost a year, and went back again for some whatever reason. the child is 11 yrs old. she now knows when he is in jail and talks to him on the phone once a week. the mom is not going to get back together with him again. he has been in jail for more years than he has been out, in the last 11 years.
the point is you may be doing this dance for a long time. you can not be moved by your granddaughters sad face. you are not doing that to her, your son is. and is it her sadness or your sadness? she is living w her mom?
see Runaway Mom - we all have those thoughts. lol -- wish we could leave....
you should ask your son to leave and he can return when he is clean and willing to participate in his daughters life. go to a different nar anon meeting where you do not know the people.
Get some skills to stop enabling - detach with LOVE --- I Love YOU - I can not live in the same house with the lifestyle you have chosen.
sorry If I missed your point or if I was too harsh.... it IS confusing, it IS not fair, its NOT what you signed up for....
Once my husband and I were on the same page, things between us got better.
at one point I was hiding my son's behavior because I did not want to deal with arguing and the details of what was going on was too stressful for my husband, since we like my husband's paycheck and didn't want him to loose his job,
I felt that I could carry out dealing w my son on my own. NOPE Nothing got better. dragged it on even longer, even though my son kept saying he was trying, getting better, etc.... It was the worst feeling. you just cant live in the middle.
A relative has a child, her boyfriend became an addict, went to jail shortly after the child was born. each time he was 'home' from jail he lasted only a few months, almost a year, and went back again for some whatever reason. the child is 11 yrs old. she now knows when he is in jail and talks to him on the phone once a week. the mom is not going to get back together with him again. he has been in jail for more years than he has been out, in the last 11 years.
the point is you may be doing this dance for a long time. you can not be moved by your granddaughters sad face. you are not doing that to her, your son is. and is it her sadness or your sadness? she is living w her mom?
see Runaway Mom - we all have those thoughts. lol -- wish we could leave....
you should ask your son to leave and he can return when he is clean and willing to participate in his daughters life. go to a different nar anon meeting where you do not know the people.
Get some skills to stop enabling - detach with LOVE --- I Love YOU - I can not live in the same house with the lifestyle you have chosen.
sorry If I missed your point or if I was too harsh.... it IS confusing, it IS not fair, its NOT what you signed up for....
Once my husband and I were on the same page, things between us got better.
at one point I was hiding my son's behavior because I did not want to deal with arguing and the details of what was going on was too stressful for my husband, since we like my husband's paycheck and didn't want him to loose his job,
I felt that I could carry out dealing w my son on my own. NOPE Nothing got better. dragged it on even longer, even though my son kept saying he was trying, getting better, etc.... It was the worst feeling. you just cant live in the middle.
It is sad for my family too. my son has be struggling in recovery. it has been 2.5 years since we found out he was using pain meds. Does not live at home. trying to live on his own, keeps hanging out with the 'just out of recovery' crowd. he recently had a few hard knocks and seems to be determined to stay clean. he was home for two weeks, mostly he seemed completely OK. we did not see any withdrawl sx - so we don't know if he is on or off. he did talk about not sleeping a few weeks ago so maybe he is clean now. he says he is...
but he did go out with old friends who "no longer do any drugs" so he said.... so we don't know... we are on the fence. he really wants to come home. he said he was happy at home and tired of struggling for everything. he wants to get a good job, car, etc, and be normal.
we sent him back to where he is living and told him we are not ready for him to come home. that we do not think it is good. that we love him, but we don't want the old BS all over again.
He said he understands... he has been perfectly compliant and not arguing and not even spending. it sucks for him but we don't want the problems again. we like sleeping at night!
but he did go out with old friends who "no longer do any drugs" so he said.... so we don't know... we are on the fence. he really wants to come home. he said he was happy at home and tired of struggling for everything. he wants to get a good job, car, etc, and be normal.
we sent him back to where he is living and told him we are not ready for him to come home. that we do not think it is good. that we love him, but we don't want the old BS all over again.
He said he understands... he has been perfectly compliant and not arguing and not even spending. it sucks for him but we don't want the problems again. we like sleeping at night!
There are many ways to "fix" a UA. Ive seen it done over and over. Why do you not want your son to follow the rules? To not accept responsibility for his behavior/choices he is making?
Hi Shan, You really should tell him to get his stuff together and leave! That enough is enough! You and your husband need a life without all his crap. If I had stopped helping my daughter years ago I think she would have quit doing drugs sooner. She has been doing drugs 17-18 yrs. I learned 1 year ago or less to stop enabling and today she is going to NA meetings and getting weaned off methadone. So there is something to be said about us hindering them by helping them. This website will help you and you'll find strength in reading posts on here. I hope things get better for you. Take care! Mary
Sounds like your making every excuse possible why you can't. ...sounds like...an addict. ..everything is about everything and everyone else...husband...gkids...meetings were bad...idk....lots of other meetings. ..kids are not stupid. ..and hubby is right...sounds like..you think you can still fix this....sounds like you wouldn't know what to do with yourself if you got rid of living in insanity ....just saying...
Hi Shan-
I say Ditto to everything that was posted in response to your query. I want to address your feelings about it killing you if your son died from drugs.
IT WILL . . .and on top of all that horrible, all consuming pain, if you continue on as you are, you will also feel sooooooo guilty and soooooo responsible bc you loved him to death. And, it is going to be hard to forgive yourself for this.
My 21 yo daughter did die from an OD about 7 weeks ago. Her drug of choice was heroin. . .we are still waiting on the toxicology report to find out exactly what she took. She was 1,000 miles away from home, living in a sober living house and attending IOP. We thought. . .or hoped. . .that she was recovering. To say that mourning a child who dies sucks is an understatement. Mourning a child who dies from an OD. . .well . . .I hope you never feel what I feel. One of the few things that provides me some comfort and relief is knowing that I did not finance her OD.. .or her addict lifestyle. It was a process . . .it didn't happen overnight. . .but hubby and I eventually stopped providing money, stopped trying to fix things, and let her take her journey. (We still provided health insurance and a cell phone.) Our depth of love for and commitment to our only child never changed one iota(still has not changed . . .and will never change). . .what changed is how we participated in her life.. .how we responded to her madness.
You cannot control when, where, if or how he ODs. You cannot prevent an OD. What you can control is what you do for him to "help" him with his addiction. Providing a roof over his head, a warm bed, food to eat, a hot shower, clothes to wear, etc. is helping his addiction. How??? He does not need to spend time, energy or money to meet these needs. . .you are doing it for him. So he has more time, energy & money to buy or use drugs. Let me be blunt. . .you are financing his addiction right now. So, God forbid, he ODs.. .even if you didn't directly provide cash for him to go purchase the dope . . .you contributed to his OD. How will you feel?
How will you feel if you give him money (for car fare, to buy gas, whatever) and he uses it to buy heroin and ODs? How will you feel if he ODs in your house . . on your watch, so to speak? What if one of your grandkids finds him? Do you want that image in their little heads?
It's clear that you cannot or will not put him out of your house today, tomorrow or next week. That's ok. I understand. But YOU cannot go on like this forever. . .for your own sanity and pocketbook. You cannot go on like this for HIS sake. He's 26 yo. He's not disabled. He should be on his own. . .and you should help him get there. I would suggest stating my expectations and giving him a deadline. For example, by x,y,z date he has to get his own room, apartment, spot and be on his own. . .independent. . .self sufficient. Give him a realistic time. . .but not so long that he can procrastinate and drive you crazier. 4 weeks? 6 weeks? 8 weeks? AND stick to it. If he isn't in his own space by that time.. you've given him an opportunity. . .he's made his choices. . .and there are certain consequences which stem therefrom. . . he's out of your house!
I know what we are proposing is not easy. That's why it's called Tough Love. It is counter-intuitive to everything we do as parents. You need support and love to get through this horrid journey. Here's a huge hug for you!!!! I got mucho insight and support on this board. Everyone here is soooo helpful. (Smooches to all!!!) I also eventually found a Naranon meeting that I liked. And, I was going to a therapist that specialized in helping family members of addicts (sometimes hubby joined too).
'Nough said.
Praying for you,
Lynn
I say Ditto to everything that was posted in response to your query. I want to address your feelings about it killing you if your son died from drugs.
IT WILL . . .and on top of all that horrible, all consuming pain, if you continue on as you are, you will also feel sooooooo guilty and soooooo responsible bc you loved him to death. And, it is going to be hard to forgive yourself for this.
My 21 yo daughter did die from an OD about 7 weeks ago. Her drug of choice was heroin. . .we are still waiting on the toxicology report to find out exactly what she took. She was 1,000 miles away from home, living in a sober living house and attending IOP. We thought. . .or hoped. . .that she was recovering. To say that mourning a child who dies sucks is an understatement. Mourning a child who dies from an OD. . .well . . .I hope you never feel what I feel. One of the few things that provides me some comfort and relief is knowing that I did not finance her OD.. .or her addict lifestyle. It was a process . . .it didn't happen overnight. . .but hubby and I eventually stopped providing money, stopped trying to fix things, and let her take her journey. (We still provided health insurance and a cell phone.) Our depth of love for and commitment to our only child never changed one iota(still has not changed . . .and will never change). . .what changed is how we participated in her life.. .how we responded to her madness.
You cannot control when, where, if or how he ODs. You cannot prevent an OD. What you can control is what you do for him to "help" him with his addiction. Providing a roof over his head, a warm bed, food to eat, a hot shower, clothes to wear, etc. is helping his addiction. How??? He does not need to spend time, energy or money to meet these needs. . .you are doing it for him. So he has more time, energy & money to buy or use drugs. Let me be blunt. . .you are financing his addiction right now. So, God forbid, he ODs.. .even if you didn't directly provide cash for him to go purchase the dope . . .you contributed to his OD. How will you feel?
How will you feel if you give him money (for car fare, to buy gas, whatever) and he uses it to buy heroin and ODs? How will you feel if he ODs in your house . . on your watch, so to speak? What if one of your grandkids finds him? Do you want that image in their little heads?
It's clear that you cannot or will not put him out of your house today, tomorrow or next week. That's ok. I understand. But YOU cannot go on like this forever. . .for your own sanity and pocketbook. You cannot go on like this for HIS sake. He's 26 yo. He's not disabled. He should be on his own. . .and you should help him get there. I would suggest stating my expectations and giving him a deadline. For example, by x,y,z date he has to get his own room, apartment, spot and be on his own. . .independent. . .self sufficient. Give him a realistic time. . .but not so long that he can procrastinate and drive you crazier. 4 weeks? 6 weeks? 8 weeks? AND stick to it. If he isn't in his own space by that time.. you've given him an opportunity. . .he's made his choices. . .and there are certain consequences which stem therefrom. . . he's out of your house!
I know what we are proposing is not easy. That's why it's called Tough Love. It is counter-intuitive to everything we do as parents. You need support and love to get through this horrid journey. Here's a huge hug for you!!!! I got mucho insight and support on this board. Everyone here is soooo helpful. (Smooches to all!!!) I also eventually found a Naranon meeting that I liked. And, I was going to a therapist that specialized in helping family members of addicts (sometimes hubby joined too).
'Nough said.
Praying for you,
Lynn
