I don't even know where to begin, I just want this pain to end.
The lies, the abuse, the stealing, the lack of trust, the emotional manipulation, everything that is our relationship is horrible, there is nothing good left. I don't want to be in it anymore. I feel so powerless, I am so beat down, I don't know how to become strong again. He's like a leach or a parasite, he has sucked everything out of me and won't let me go. He calls us a family and I'm all he has left in this world, I don't even care at this point. I some times fantasize that he dies somehow just to be rid of him.
Everyone around knows what is going on, everyone knows what has been happening, I have little support. I come from generations of addictions and abuse, it's normalized. I'm so sick of it, it has literally driven me to points in my life where I would rather kill myself than carry on the way we have been. Only reason I haven't is because of my daughter. I love her so much, she is my absolute favorite person in the whole world but if I didnt have her I know I would have killed myself by now.
Had things happen sooner than what they did, I would not be pregnant, I would have had an abortion. I have so many things going on that I need to work on within myself but when he's around....my mental health plummets. It feels like constantly being preyed on and used. I don't even want to go into the extent of what has happened but last month he risked us becoming homeless for his high.
Enough is enough, please help me see the the light at the heart end of the tunnel. My world has been dark for so long I can't imagine it ever being better. As much as I have been there for him and tried to help him it has done nothing and I know at this point I'm just enabling. I want him gone, I don't want to feel guilty. He is a grown man, he made his choice, I don't want this burden he keeps giving me anymore. I didn't come into this relationship with lies like he did. I completely opened up and loved him and all I have from it is lessons of drug use and abuse.
I want it to be just my daughter, my baby, and I. I don't want him there anymore, he pleads for another chance, he "made one mistake", he tries to make me the bad guy. I always end up giving in, because I'm so tired of the fight. The fight to keep me myself, to keep the yelling down, to keep the stress away, to just keep ignoring the problem because that is what has been the easiest. I'm so tired, I'm so so tired. Where did my strength and wisdom go? I'm not me anymore, the effects of fighting and staying in this relationship with an addict has turned me into someone I don't even know. I'm so tired, sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up.
Here, in groups and therapy is where we find the strength. We can't do it alone.
When it gets to this stage we need as much or more help than the addict.
Work on boundaries, separate our finances and start planning an escape. It will take time and a lot of courage, but we can do it - you need to do it for your daughter.
Quit engaging in aggressive discussions, he is high, you're not. Wait for the right time to communicate and be cristal clear in you mind of what you believe, because he/his diseas will test it, over and over again.
First thing to keep in mind - Noone is responsible, it's a disease, but him only is responsible for the consequences of his choices. You can still love him and hate his attitudes. Let go with love.
Please read "Let me fall all by myself" - you'll find it on the Most Popular Topic tab on left hand side of the page.
One day at a time you will get stronger - there are people that care, I care!
Stay safe!
Nina
When it gets to this stage we need as much or more help than the addict.
Work on boundaries, separate our finances and start planning an escape. It will take time and a lot of courage, but we can do it - you need to do it for your daughter.
Quit engaging in aggressive discussions, he is high, you're not. Wait for the right time to communicate and be cristal clear in you mind of what you believe, because he/his diseas will test it, over and over again.
First thing to keep in mind - Noone is responsible, it's a disease, but him only is responsible for the consequences of his choices. You can still love him and hate his attitudes. Let go with love.
Please read "Let me fall all by myself" - you'll find it on the Most Popular Topic tab on left hand side of the page.
One day at a time you will get stronger - there are people that care, I care!
Stay safe!
Nina
Oh honey....I feel for you. Been there , done that.....for YEARS. Please try a few Alanon meetings. The bad news is YOU'VE hit your rock bottom....the good news is YOU'VE hit your rock bottom. Its only up from here....life is precious....DONT waste anymore time on this guy.
