Hi, I'm Martha. I have been clean for 72 days now from oral opiates. The last couple of weeks I have felt great. Once withdrawals began to ease I began working out and running again. My house was clean and I started to forget what happened over the past couple years.
Now, I feel sad, empty, just lonely in a group of people.
I have a large support in family and friends but I get a lot of "you're not really an addict", "see how easily you're staying clean", etc...
I don't see this as being easy. The dreams are starting back up, the thoughts are creeping back in and my pride is getting in my way again.
I just don't know where to go from here.
Martha, look at it like this. If you stop working out for awhile, when you start up again your body is out of shape. No shame to it, it simply has adapted to the condition of not being stressed by the exercise, has probably slowed down metabolically, and you might carry a little extra weight as the result. Those are all physical responses to not working out.
When you go back to the gym, you are not as strong, you tend to get sore, you are hungrier after you work out, etc. In other words, you have to get with a program and stick with it to get back the good results you had before.
Simple enough. All perfectly natural and normal physiological responses to outside stimulus or the lack of it. Why would it be any different for opiate abuse?
Your body chemistry changed as the result of your using. Your brain got "lazy" and stopped producing the chemicals that normally produce a sense of well being and happiness. It takes time for the brain to "get in shape," and during that period, we feel like, well s***.
The vacuum created by ceasing drug use is so powerful that most people will cave to the sense of emptiness eventually unless they seek a program of recovery to help them through this process. There is no more shame to this than there is shame to deciding to go back to the gym after taking the winter off. Personally, I am usually proud of myself after I take the initiative to better myself, but that is just me.
When I take time out from the gym, I have allowed my true nature, the "couch potato," to dominate my thinking. When we are speaking of drugs, I call that guy my "addict."
The only people who would overtly condemn this are probably those who cannot acknowledge the simple fact that a little bit of addict resides in each of us.
The solution is simple, but it is not easy.
Stick around. Ask questions.
We are here to help.
August
When you go back to the gym, you are not as strong, you tend to get sore, you are hungrier after you work out, etc. In other words, you have to get with a program and stick with it to get back the good results you had before.
Simple enough. All perfectly natural and normal physiological responses to outside stimulus or the lack of it. Why would it be any different for opiate abuse?
Your body chemistry changed as the result of your using. Your brain got "lazy" and stopped producing the chemicals that normally produce a sense of well being and happiness. It takes time for the brain to "get in shape," and during that period, we feel like, well s***.
The vacuum created by ceasing drug use is so powerful that most people will cave to the sense of emptiness eventually unless they seek a program of recovery to help them through this process. There is no more shame to this than there is shame to deciding to go back to the gym after taking the winter off. Personally, I am usually proud of myself after I take the initiative to better myself, but that is just me.
When I take time out from the gym, I have allowed my true nature, the "couch potato," to dominate my thinking. When we are speaking of drugs, I call that guy my "addict."
The only people who would overtly condemn this are probably those who cannot acknowledge the simple fact that a little bit of addict resides in each of us.
The solution is simple, but it is not easy.
Stick around. Ask questions.
We are here to help.
August
HI MARTHA,
WOW, 72 DAYS. CONGRATULATIONS OF YOUR SOBRIETY. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT BEING SAD/DEPRESSED. I HAVE 1 YEAR CLEAN TIME AND SOMETIMES I STILL GET DEPRESSED OR SAD KNOWING THAT I CAN NEVER USE OPIATES AGAIN FOR RECREATIONAL USE. MY COUNSULOR CALLS IT "THE MOURNING PEROID," I DON;T KNOW IF YOU ARE IN THERAPY OR JUST TRYING THIS OWN YOUR OWN BUT I WOULD SUGGEST THERAPY. IT WAS THE TURNING FACTOR FOR ME. I STILL EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE MISS THE FEELING THAT OPIATES GAVE ME. I DON'T MISS THE DRUG,JUST THE FEELING IT GAVE ME.ALSO, YOU MAY WANT TO GET IN AA/NA AND GET A SPONSOR. IT REALLY HELPS WHEN YOU CAN BE AMONG YOUR PEERS THAT HAVE EXPERIENCEED THE SAME THINGS AS YOU HAVE BUT THEY DON'T JUDGE YOU, THEY ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE. I ALSO PLAY A TAPE IN MY HEAD OVER AND OVER ABOUT MY LOWEST POINT USING OPIATES.
CALLING IN SCRIPTS, GETTING CAUGHT AND ARRESTED. JAIL FOR ONE NIGHT AND HAVING MY NURSING LICENSE TAKEN AWAY. I'M ON PROBATION FOR 5 YEARS. I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT EVER AGAIN. IF IT WASN'T FOR JESUS CHRIST WALKING WITH ME EVERYDAY AND THE LOVE OF A GOOD MAN, I WOULD BE LOST, HOPE THIS HELPS. HANG IN THERE. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. SOBRIETY IS SO WORTH IT.
GOD BLESS
CINDY
WOW, 72 DAYS. CONGRATULATIONS OF YOUR SOBRIETY. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT BEING SAD/DEPRESSED. I HAVE 1 YEAR CLEAN TIME AND SOMETIMES I STILL GET DEPRESSED OR SAD KNOWING THAT I CAN NEVER USE OPIATES AGAIN FOR RECREATIONAL USE. MY COUNSULOR CALLS IT "THE MOURNING PEROID," I DON;T KNOW IF YOU ARE IN THERAPY OR JUST TRYING THIS OWN YOUR OWN BUT I WOULD SUGGEST THERAPY. IT WAS THE TURNING FACTOR FOR ME. I STILL EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE MISS THE FEELING THAT OPIATES GAVE ME. I DON'T MISS THE DRUG,JUST THE FEELING IT GAVE ME.ALSO, YOU MAY WANT TO GET IN AA/NA AND GET A SPONSOR. IT REALLY HELPS WHEN YOU CAN BE AMONG YOUR PEERS THAT HAVE EXPERIENCEED THE SAME THINGS AS YOU HAVE BUT THEY DON'T JUDGE YOU, THEY ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE. I ALSO PLAY A TAPE IN MY HEAD OVER AND OVER ABOUT MY LOWEST POINT USING OPIATES.
CALLING IN SCRIPTS, GETTING CAUGHT AND ARRESTED. JAIL FOR ONE NIGHT AND HAVING MY NURSING LICENSE TAKEN AWAY. I'M ON PROBATION FOR 5 YEARS. I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT EVER AGAIN. IF IT WASN'T FOR JESUS CHRIST WALKING WITH ME EVERYDAY AND THE LOVE OF A GOOD MAN, I WOULD BE LOST, HOPE THIS HELPS. HANG IN THERE. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. SOBRIETY IS SO WORTH IT.
GOD BLESS
CINDY
August, Thank you so much for your words of hope. I really needed to hear all of that. I feel very much my addict today.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Cindy,
This recovery has bee working in very mysterious ways. I am in outpatient, go to NA, have a sponsor and attended several healthcare professional meetings b/c I am an RN. I have vol. surrendered by license for treatment.
We have much in common.
Thank you for responding.
This recovery has bee working in very mysterious ways. I am in outpatient, go to NA, have a sponsor and attended several healthcare professional meetings b/c I am an RN. I have vol. surrendered by license for treatment.
We have much in common.
Thank you for responding.
Martha,Welcome to the forum.August's explanation was correct about the physiolgy of opiates.Endorphins are God's natural opiates and once we bombard our bodies with exogenous substances the endorphin machine shuts down.It also effects the adrenal gland which is responsible for mood,eating,sex,and general well being.
After years of a continous assault our bodies will take awhile to start normalizing.It's important to start exercising and eating right or this can be long,tedious process.During this time one of the most important things IMO is to own up to your addiction which you seem to.Continue the meetings,look for a sponsor and start with the steps.This is the biggest self esteem booster.
Please keep sharing and welcome to our family.
After years of a continous assault our bodies will take awhile to start normalizing.It's important to start exercising and eating right or this can be long,tedious process.During this time one of the most important things IMO is to own up to your addiction which you seem to.Continue the meetings,look for a sponsor and start with the steps.This is the biggest self esteem booster.
Please keep sharing and welcome to our family.
Well, I am on step 2. Working my way to Step 4. In two weeks I am to sit in front of a panel to get my RN license reinstated. I have been running 5-6 days a week, taking Sundays off for Mass and family. The days I don't run I guess are the most difficult. So, after I found this site and began to post, read posts, and recieve all of your feedback (which I love and appreciate so very much), I started working on my Step 2 worksheets. I feel a bit better but I'm definitely having an off day. I'm sure it doesn't feel this way to those that aren't addicted. Does that even matter? Thank you for being so welcoming a community!
Martha, we addicts love to compare our insides to others' outsides. It matters not what or how others feel, whether or not they are addicts, whether or not they admit they are addicts. Your feelings are yours. They are valid. And most importantly, if you get through this you may never have to feel this lousy again.
I used to hate it when I heard this, but you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are working on your 2nd step, which if successful will lead you down a path that will allow you to take back your life from your addict.
Your addict is going to fight you tooth and nail.
Martha, you may need help in the days that come. I know in my case, no human power could grant me relief from the obsession to use.
Hang in there. Don't use even if your a** falls off. And let us know how you are doing. We want to help.
Respectfully,
August
I used to hate it when I heard this, but you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are working on your 2nd step, which if successful will lead you down a path that will allow you to take back your life from your addict.
Your addict is going to fight you tooth and nail.
Martha, you may need help in the days that come. I know in my case, no human power could grant me relief from the obsession to use.
Hang in there. Don't use even if your a** falls off. And let us know how you are doing. We want to help.
Respectfully,
August
Hi and Welcome to the Board. Congratulations on your clean time!
I have a little over 6 months. I've had some good days and bad. I think the thing is that on the pills we know how we're going to feel. When we are dealing with life on life's terms it's a bit trickier. We actually have to learn to deal with our feelings. I work in a hospital too and work 3-11 and every other weekend. Since I work part time I have alot of time at home. I find it very depressing day after day. When I go to a yoga class or go to a meeting, I'm fine. I would imagine only if you love housework would you be happy in the house all day. Unfortunately I don't love housework. LOL So I spend alot of time thinking about what I want to do and then not doing it. I beat myself up over stupid things like that. Now I only allow myself one day in the house. The following day I must get out and do something. Thankfully the weather is getting better and it's not so hard to do.
I hope things work out with getting your liscense reinstated.
I have a little over 6 months. I've had some good days and bad. I think the thing is that on the pills we know how we're going to feel. When we are dealing with life on life's terms it's a bit trickier. We actually have to learn to deal with our feelings. I work in a hospital too and work 3-11 and every other weekend. Since I work part time I have alot of time at home. I find it very depressing day after day. When I go to a yoga class or go to a meeting, I'm fine. I would imagine only if you love housework would you be happy in the house all day. Unfortunately I don't love housework. LOL So I spend alot of time thinking about what I want to do and then not doing it. I beat myself up over stupid things like that. Now I only allow myself one day in the house. The following day I must get out and do something. Thankfully the weather is getting better and it's not so hard to do.
I hope things work out with getting your liscense reinstated.
I can't tell you how inspiring this is. I am on day 3 on my own. I am bound and determined to get off these things that kill me. Kepp giving me hope,
So I woke up yesterday hoping that my feelings of sadness would have passed. Well, they didn't. Big surprise considering I didn't go to a meeting, exercise, or call anyone.
I went to group yest. morning, gym in the afternoon, and meeting in the evening. Last night I ended up talking to someone in the fellowship struggling with things for 3 hours. Woke up this morning feeling purged and with a lot of things to reflect on and be grateful for. So very grateful for the fellowship, the support (my safety net).
What did I get out of all of this? I am not alone. The fellowship is there for a reason, for those of us who struggle with addiction, recovery, and struggle with ourselves in recovery.
I went to group yest. morning, gym in the afternoon, and meeting in the evening. Last night I ended up talking to someone in the fellowship struggling with things for 3 hours. Woke up this morning feeling purged and with a lot of things to reflect on and be grateful for. So very grateful for the fellowship, the support (my safety net).
What did I get out of all of this? I am not alone. The fellowship is there for a reason, for those of us who struggle with addiction, recovery, and struggle with ourselves in recovery.
It works if you work it!
Do you have a sponsor? I know that for me, on those days when I don't have something going on and I can get into my head too much, that's when I call my sponsor or get my butt to a meeting. Time takes time. You didn't get this way over night, so be gentle with yourself and know that one day, you are going to feel again and be ok with it.
I do have a sponsor. I'm working my steps. I have been using exercise as an outlet like I used to before my addiction took hold. Now, frustration is becoming evident b/c my knee is wrecked! I'm trying to get to more meetings to listen and get hope & strength.
