Hi there. New at this, but at the point that I just need to talk. Well really just put it all down. Get it out there. My son, so I have found out this year, has been an addict for over three years. Seems that I was the only one that didn't know, which appears to be a common thread from those I have spoken to. My son is 20. He has been through so much in his short life. A burns survivor at the age of 12, with 8 years of surgery and scars and tears under his belt. Hard work and physio which I put him through on a daily basis. We were close because of all that we have gone through. But now he is a stranger to me. His girlfriend who I love just as much as my own, gave birth to my first grandchild last year, and she used throughout the pregnancy. They both quit early this year when we found out (only because my son was charged with possession and looked to go to jail for a long time - fortunately that didn't happen). She hasn't used since and he has relapsed.
She tries to leave, but just can't find it in herself to do this. I try to support them both in any way that i can, but am finding it hard, especially with baby number two on the way. He has broken into my house and stolen from me, again something I hear is common. He lies about everything to everyone and has hocked everything in their house, to the point that they have the barest of essentials. I don't give them money any more, I take over food for the baby and for them.
The problem though for me, is that I just can't stand seeing him waste away. All the work that we put into getting him better and he is destroying himself on a daily basis. I want to support him in anyway that I can, but don't want to suffocate him. I feel torn in my ability to stand by and watch his world disolve around him and his beautiful partner and child. How do other parents find that balance? I find myself pulling away from him because I can't bear to see him as sick as he is. He doesn't believe he has a problem so how can he seek help when he doesn't think he needs any?
I also just don't have the energy to deal with the constant drama that is his life. The court cases, the phone calls from my daughter in law that she has no money and the baby is sick. My other two children have been pushed to the sidelines during his time in hospital and now I feel that I must sacrifice him so they can have mum back again. Is this the wrong thing to do?
It seems as though no one knows what to say. Not one reply in two days??? I believe because it is a very hard thing to answer. One of the ladys in another forum says she goes to narconon meetings for friends and family of addicts. I am the daughter in-law in your story. So I do understand what you are going through. I know it is hard as a grandmother and as a mother to sit idley by. This is why she needs to leave him before she has a weak moment. It will destroy her psycologically even if she doesn't relapse. THen you can allow yourself to detach from the situation. Let your son know you love him but you do not approve of his actions until he is ready to get help he should come around asking you for any. The only help you will be giving him until he is ready to quit will fund his addiction in one way or the other. You give them food he has an exuse not to buy any himself therefor leaving his money for meth ect.... Also let your daugter in law know she is not responsible for your sons well being and you will never ever hold her accountable for his recovery or lac of recovery. THis was a huge factor in why I stayed with my addict I wanted to be the one who actually helped him who he loved enough to quit for.... because I loved him so much. If she leaves your worry level can go down the grandchildren won't be in this horrible enviornment any longer and you won't feel the need to aid him as much. Remember most of the time this isn't even your son you are talking to any longer it is his addiction. When your SON wants to come talk to you and is ready to get help he will. Be ready for him then, until then save your energy and sanity!!!! Let him know you love him yes but also let his know you won't condone him killing himself and detsroying his family. Good Luck Dear I am by no means a proffesional just someone who has lived it.....I suggest getting yourself in those meetings that help family members of addicts try to get your daughter in law to go too......... I'll pray for your son and his familys health and recovery....
Yes, what a struggle it is for the mother of an addict. We want nothing more than to get our children back, yet nothing we do makes it happen. There is nothing wrong in stepping away. In fact, detaching from him is one of themost important things to do. It not only helps you get some sanity back into your life, but it also keeps you from enabling his habit. I'm glad to hear you are not giving him money. That is incredibly important because, no matter what he says, it will all go to drugs. Nothing you do will make him quit. He won't quit until he decides to do it himself.
I would suggest you go to the Families/Partners of addicts board and read the posts there. Especially posts by Cynical One. There is a wealth of information there and also a lot of people who can completely relate to your story.
All addicts seem to act exactly the same...stealing, lying, manipulating. I think we've all started down this path believing our situation was different, yet, they are all the same during active addiction. My stepdaughter has broken into our home and stolen quite a lot from us. She has lied so much I don't know if anything she says is truthful anymore. She has literally lost/pawned/sold everything she owns except the clothes on her back. Anyhow, long story short, I have finally gotten to the point that I just don't talk to her at all. Until she decides to get clean and put her life back together, there is nothing I can do and I could no longer live my life with all the insanity (and bad people) she had brought into it.
You are not alone and you will find many people on here who have been or are at the place you are. Hang in there and focus on yourself and the rest of your family.
I would suggest you go to the Families/Partners of addicts board and read the posts there. Especially posts by Cynical One. There is a wealth of information there and also a lot of people who can completely relate to your story.
All addicts seem to act exactly the same...stealing, lying, manipulating. I think we've all started down this path believing our situation was different, yet, they are all the same during active addiction. My stepdaughter has broken into our home and stolen quite a lot from us. She has lied so much I don't know if anything she says is truthful anymore. She has literally lost/pawned/sold everything she owns except the clothes on her back. Anyhow, long story short, I have finally gotten to the point that I just don't talk to her at all. Until she decides to get clean and put her life back together, there is nothing I can do and I could no longer live my life with all the insanity (and bad people) she had brought into it.
You are not alone and you will find many people on here who have been or are at the place you are. Hang in there and focus on yourself and the rest of your family.
I am new to this too. I am trying to find out as much information as I can after just having found out my sister has been addicted to meth for 8 years. She has just been arrested and is in jail awaited a hearing. She has destroyed our family and although I feel sad, I am mostly angry and can't help feeling hate toward her.
She has two children that don't know yet. I work with several organizations that advocate for abused and neglected children, so I immediately worried for them. We're trying to figure all this out, but I did want to respond to the mother of the addicted son. The kids are what's most imporant. They are babies and they need protected. From what I've seen in many abuse and neglect cases, parents on drugs will always put their addiction first. Even if your son's girlfriend is clean, please help get those kids out of this situation.
She has two children that don't know yet. I work with several organizations that advocate for abused and neglected children, so I immediately worried for them. We're trying to figure all this out, but I did want to respond to the mother of the addicted son. The kids are what's most imporant. They are babies and they need protected. From what I've seen in many abuse and neglect cases, parents on drugs will always put their addiction first. Even if your son's girlfriend is clean, please help get those kids out of this situation.
HI,
i am so sorry for what is happing with your son you are both in my prayers please know that you are not alone in this my sister called me this morning she told me she just found out her 19 year old daughter is on ice i did not know where to post this i have never posted on this site before i have always posted on the pain site because i was addicted to tylenol 3's and have been clean now for all most ten months it started with back surgery and i got addicted to the pain pills i guess she thought i would know what ice was about but i know nothing about that stuff ' anyway my neice's wait is down to 95 pounds and she was caught stealing from walmart and this is the secound time this has happend and the strage thing is she was not stealing because she had no money she told her mom her friend just wanted to see if they could get past the alarm scanners for a joke and last week her parents just went through court with her for trying the same thing at zellers i know we can't blaim her friends she has a mind of her own but as soon as she meat this girl she turned into a totaly different person she lost her job and she stoped comming home she only comes home when she is in trouble it caused so much heartach and trouble in her parents marriage because my sister was always defending her against her dad even thou we all knew he was right but as a mother thats what we do we can't always see or don't want to believe our kids would ever end up or do any thing like what my niece is doing anyway this secound time she came running home and cops were chasing her on the yard my sister and her hubby were doing yard work yesterday late afternoon when this happened but i guess this time my sister finely saw what was happing that her daughter was counting on them to get her out of trouble again and the only way she was going to save her girl if this time she stood with her husband she finely seen he was right all along that if they kept bailing her out and not get her off the streets the next call could be worse well they arrested her and put her in rehab right now she told her mom and dad i hate you you are suppose to help me no matter what so my sister is going throu h*ll as you can emagine right now and my niece called me and wanted me to help her because i was an addict and she tried to use that to get to me but as i reminded her i wanted to live as i want her to live thats why i got help and her parents want her to live and i exsplained to my niece yes parents should be there for there children and her parents are thats why this should only prove all the more to her how much they do love her as for me i will give all the support i can in helping her but like i told my sis i know nothing about ice anyway PLEASE know your son loves you it is the drugs that are doing this to him and all we can do is try and help them the rest is up to them you can only do so much and you sound like you are a very good mother please don't blaim your self all you can do now is pray that your son will ask for the help he needs but it has to be him as i said and know from exsperience you can't do it for him anyway please take care and you and your son are in my prayers.
LOVE + HUGS
LITTLE H.
i am so sorry for what is happing with your son you are both in my prayers please know that you are not alone in this my sister called me this morning she told me she just found out her 19 year old daughter is on ice i did not know where to post this i have never posted on this site before i have always posted on the pain site because i was addicted to tylenol 3's and have been clean now for all most ten months it started with back surgery and i got addicted to the pain pills i guess she thought i would know what ice was about but i know nothing about that stuff ' anyway my neice's wait is down to 95 pounds and she was caught stealing from walmart and this is the secound time this has happend and the strage thing is she was not stealing because she had no money she told her mom her friend just wanted to see if they could get past the alarm scanners for a joke and last week her parents just went through court with her for trying the same thing at zellers i know we can't blaim her friends she has a mind of her own but as soon as she meat this girl she turned into a totaly different person she lost her job and she stoped comming home she only comes home when she is in trouble it caused so much heartach and trouble in her parents marriage because my sister was always defending her against her dad even thou we all knew he was right but as a mother thats what we do we can't always see or don't want to believe our kids would ever end up or do any thing like what my niece is doing anyway this secound time she came running home and cops were chasing her on the yard my sister and her hubby were doing yard work yesterday late afternoon when this happened but i guess this time my sister finely saw what was happing that her daughter was counting on them to get her out of trouble again and the only way she was going to save her girl if this time she stood with her husband she finely seen he was right all along that if they kept bailing her out and not get her off the streets the next call could be worse well they arrested her and put her in rehab right now she told her mom and dad i hate you you are suppose to help me no matter what so my sister is going throu h*ll as you can emagine right now and my niece called me and wanted me to help her because i was an addict and she tried to use that to get to me but as i reminded her i wanted to live as i want her to live thats why i got help and her parents want her to live and i exsplained to my niece yes parents should be there for there children and her parents are thats why this should only prove all the more to her how much they do love her as for me i will give all the support i can in helping her but like i told my sis i know nothing about ice anyway PLEASE know your son loves you it is the drugs that are doing this to him and all we can do is try and help them the rest is up to them you can only do so much and you sound like you are a very good mother please don't blaim your self all you can do now is pray that your son will ask for the help he needs but it has to be him as i said and know from exsperience you can't do it for him anyway please take care and you and your son are in my prayers.
LOVE + HUGS
LITTLE H.
in response to kturn, I live in Australia and unfortunately our Family and Community Services perfer to leave children with their parents until someone can prove abuse. I have discussed my granddaughter's situation with them several times and they have advised that just because her parents are using, doesn't necessarily mean she is being neglected. I have also had general discussions with lawyers, however, this does not appear to be an option either. FACS have been around to check on the baby several times and agree that although the house is filthy, this alone is not enough to prove neglect. They said the baby appeared happy and mum was taking care of her. Which is true... I can't deny this. But what a shame they didn't visit when bubs was sick and had no medicine 'cause dad had shot the wages up his arm and there was no money left. Or the days that bubs is dressed in filthy clothes (that's if she gets dressed). It's like banging your head against a wall.
Anyway, he called the other night and started abusing me and I told him that I just couldn't do this anymore. Told him that if he thinks he can be a contributing member of our family, to let me know and he is welcome back any time. But until then, he can't contact us or visit. Unfortunately this also means that I lose contact with my beautiful grandchild. But.... you have to do what is best for yourself and your family. Right?
Thanks to you all for your advice.... T
Anyway, he called the other night and started abusing me and I told him that I just couldn't do this anymore. Told him that if he thinks he can be a contributing member of our family, to let me know and he is welcome back any time. But until then, he can't contact us or visit. Unfortunately this also means that I lose contact with my beautiful grandchild. But.... you have to do what is best for yourself and your family. Right?
Thanks to you all for your advice.... T
Hi, I really feel for you. I am not a professional but I am always willing to listen if you ever need to. I have a drug problem myself and I am currentlly seeking help. Although it not as severe, I don't want to burden you with my problem. I am just a genuin working mum, just offering an ear for you. Hope everything turns out ok, support is the best thing, not anger and dissapointment. take care.
it's andnnn@yahoo.co.uk
Take care
Take care
Hi, I'm new too..and my daughter is with your son and it hurts.
I wish I knew how to offer relief. Personally, I think when it comes
to your child only a healthy child will bring relief. One thing I know
for sure is we'll love them forever..and somewhere inside they
know that...I hope one day you get your son back ..I know I'll pray
for us both and any mom who lives this pain.
corrinne
I wish I knew how to offer relief. Personally, I think when it comes
to your child only a healthy child will bring relief. One thing I know
for sure is we'll love them forever..and somewhere inside they
know that...I hope one day you get your son back ..I know I'll pray
for us both and any mom who lives this pain.
corrinne
Bless your heart...I really feel for you, I was never a drug addict but I had fell in love with someone that was, And like you I did not know he was on it. I did not even know what meth was till I found out he was using it, And to make it worse he shot it up like your son. I was DEVESTATED !!
Everyone knew but me, and here I was just out of a long ending marriage, A single parent, moved from my home state to start my life over and I got this!
Well I'll tell you what I did..I got tired of seeing it.. I got tired of that being his only thought and need, I got tired of the lies, Got tired of handing money out to him when he asked for it, He smashed up my new car :THAT DID IT". I got tired of the women he ran with that all shared common ground. I got mad cause the peolpe he thought was his friends laughed at him about how strung out he was, He was a joke cause he was ordered rehab and it did nothing for him, infact he was smuggling drugs into the rehab(the half way house) and laughed about it.
Everything was a lie..stealing..broken promises..cant hold down a job and every cent made went to meth, If he borrowed it went to meth..like your son and daughter in law.Well I was not with him anymore and have not been in a year or more, Some of his family and me knocked down every dope house we knew he'd go to...soon ..D.E.A fled in everytime!
We then knew he violated his probation and was wanted by U.S Marshalls..well for his safety we turned him in, He looked ate out..sick...all bones, they arrested him with meth and needles on him, perscription pills that were not even in his name. WE tried to make it difficult for him...we wanted it to be hard for him to get anything..and it worked for a very short period of time..But we came between ANYWAY we could!
To the point we could of got ourself killed for reporting these people in, But what people don't understand is that when its someone you love..you will DO ANYTHING to get between, You becaome despret, its either that or bury them 6 feet under.Maybe one day we'll tell him what we did..because we love him, And I will support him through his long amount of time in prison..I will always be a friend like that,And I know drugs exsist in the prison system..but you know...We came between the best we could, And as long as he has family around that cares someone will always step in. He's been using for almost 13 years..Some say he'll never change, But with effort and prayer and alot of hard love anything...anything,,is possible.
So don't give up....so get between drugs and the ones you love ANYWAY you can!
Everyone knew but me, and here I was just out of a long ending marriage, A single parent, moved from my home state to start my life over and I got this!
Well I'll tell you what I did..I got tired of seeing it.. I got tired of that being his only thought and need, I got tired of the lies, Got tired of handing money out to him when he asked for it, He smashed up my new car :THAT DID IT". I got tired of the women he ran with that all shared common ground. I got mad cause the peolpe he thought was his friends laughed at him about how strung out he was, He was a joke cause he was ordered rehab and it did nothing for him, infact he was smuggling drugs into the rehab(the half way house) and laughed about it.
Everything was a lie..stealing..broken promises..cant hold down a job and every cent made went to meth, If he borrowed it went to meth..like your son and daughter in law.Well I was not with him anymore and have not been in a year or more, Some of his family and me knocked down every dope house we knew he'd go to...soon ..D.E.A fled in everytime!
We then knew he violated his probation and was wanted by U.S Marshalls..well for his safety we turned him in, He looked ate out..sick...all bones, they arrested him with meth and needles on him, perscription pills that were not even in his name. WE tried to make it difficult for him...we wanted it to be hard for him to get anything..and it worked for a very short period of time..But we came between ANYWAY we could!
To the point we could of got ourself killed for reporting these people in, But what people don't understand is that when its someone you love..you will DO ANYTHING to get between, You becaome despret, its either that or bury them 6 feet under.Maybe one day we'll tell him what we did..because we love him, And I will support him through his long amount of time in prison..I will always be a friend like that,And I know drugs exsist in the prison system..but you know...We came between the best we could, And as long as he has family around that cares someone will always step in. He's been using for almost 13 years..Some say he'll never change, But with effort and prayer and alot of hard love anything...anything,,is possible.
So don't give up....so get between drugs and the ones you love ANYWAY you can!
