Hey Dodsworth I do hope you keep posting sober or not. The fact that you recognize that you have a problem means you are on your way to recovery. We are all in recovery ,we all do one day at a time. For the last two days I have been wanting to drink ,this board keeps me from doing that. It's hard enough to try and stay sober with support ,It's even harder to do it without. I could never have stayed sober as long as I am (4 months now) without this board and my sponsor and my HP. Keep coming back. this board is for alkies and for those of us trying to find our way back. The ones with more sober time can help those of us who need the inspiration and learned ESH and advice they give. Those of us who are still struggling help them too because you can't have it without giving it away. We are like a chain,each link is important and serves its purpose in making the chain strong. Take care and wishing you strength and peace.
How goes it with you tonight Adam? Check in when you get a chance. Keep posting or at the very least keep reading. :-)
I just dont know what kind of person i am..I got friends tellin me AA is for those poor souls, and i should be able to right myself, that is what self-sufficience means!! But, then I think, they (for the most part) don't know what its like. I go to meetings then I drink, so I don't know what meetings are good for. I FEEL the meetings are good and they are just itty bitty bits of exposure to the kind of realization I am trying for. Part of me thinks i can just pull myself up and get through this, part of me thinks i need AA, and part of me thinks I need inpatient rehab just to get sober and see how i can react once sober...i am very skeptical of being sober for 30 days by myself...but that just sounds like defeat, so even if i went to rehab, it would be defeat, a kind that would only fester in my psyche...maybe i need inpatient rehab?! I just dont know...I drank tonight, so there goes my credibility...! Im sorry, i just have a hard time getting over the first 48 hrs..i know most of you have been sober for a long time and can look at someone like me with disdain and pity, thinking- just try!- I wonder if some sober folks (not on here) but those in meetings, have been sober for so long, months and years, that they forget the exact power of the initial struggle to quit...just venting...everytime i quit for a day or two and then start again, the withdrawals just get worse..im done bitching.
ps-thanks pirate and Martin and Valarie, you guys are saints!!
Dodsworth
ps-thanks pirate and Martin and Valarie, you guys are saints!!
Dodsworth
Hi Dodsworth,
If you look back at any of my posts you'll see I drank just a few days ago, but the most colourful ones are a few weeks ago when I went into complete meltdown mentally....
Some of the recovering alcoholics I have met at AA are truly inspiring. It seems to me that a lot of people in AA tend not to talk about what they have done/do for a living or in life because it can be a kind of ego trip, and one of the things I've come to realise and a lot of AAers will say is that our ego isn't always helpful....you're a smart person so you'll have read about denial and so on, and it's the disease using the ego to protect itself.
But in recovery I have met an artist who exhibits around the world, a Barrister, a Professor, a Priest, a plumber, a housewife, a policeman....like cancer, the disease is an equal opportunity evangelist....some of these people are great, everyone I met was nice, but I guess some will be a pain...and it's that combination and variety that might help you find out a bit more about those glimmers of realisation you're looking for.
Who said getting help isn't self-sufficient? Are you going to fix your cancer on your own? That broken leg? Are you going to learn French without help? Medicine? When you get a job are you going to refuse all offers of help? Don't expect to get very far in your career....world class golfer? Without a coach? Tennis ditto....footballer...duh, team game.....painist? Without a conductor? and orchestra? Father? Without an example to follow? Would you deny your daughter the benefit of wisdom a friend might offer you? We human beings mustn't lose ourselves in others but we are NOTHING without each other...and life certainly isn't much fun....
hey, and anyway, if you take your friends advice....why is that being more self-sufficient than hearing what someone says at AA and DECIDING to do that or NOT as YOU choose? It's always YOUR choice Adam...
And that includes rehab or any other method. The single most important thing is that you WANT to stop....that's huge....you're doing brilliantly just recognising that....the rest will work itself through....you might not need AA, no-one knows that....what you DO need to do is follow through on those genuinely FELT insights, those moments when you hear the very best part of you calling you to take a step in a certain direction....THAT'S what you need to listen to Adam....for me that best part of me is my Higher Power, that quiet, True voice/feeling inside of me that I KNOW is my heart's truth....when I follow that I am being truly myself and nothing is wrong....when I drown it out or run away from it I end up heading for pain and misery and hating myself....
I can't speak for anyone else, that's one of the things I've learnt, but I can tell you my self-sufficiency could have killed me.....I BECAME self-sufficient because when I was very young there was no-one I felt I could depend on....and within that fierce, rigid shell of self-sufficiency I learnt all sorts of unhelpful things.....it kept me sane/alive and functioning so far as society could see...most people I know would have told you I was sorted...successful, helpful, kind, loving....and inside I was dead to myself....crikey, you've seen all the movies, that male stereotype....how about the bloke in GI Jane? The Master Sargeant? Self-sufficient and dead inside...apart from the poetry....a man running away from the only thing that really scared him....his insides.....You mention that you're not sure who you are....hey, I'm 50 and I'm still finding out....I had a hole at my centre where I should have been...of course I was running like hell.... and all the time I should have been doing the painful thing you're doing now and looking INWARD....because THAT'S where the truth for ME, MY life, always is....
The Unconscious mind is fascinating....let me play amatuer therapist....I won't go anywhere dangerous....your pain and confusion scares your friends because you have found the courage to be open about it, to bring it up from the basement and LOOK at it. You're facing it. They aren't able to face theirs yet. Whether it's about alcohol for them or not (and if they're big drinkers it probably will be), they are disturbed at an unconscious level by what they feel emerging in you, a growing awareness....
It's important to remember that we ALL have unconscious motivations, fears, dreads and dreams and we project those onto other people....we hang around with people who make us feel comfortable and they do that by validating our own UNCONSCIOUS world view.....when one of us starts to change it is VERY scary....we can feel the tectonic plates shifting underneath OUR feet....
Again, if you read my posts you'll see I have similar feelings about AA....am I REALLY an alcoholic? Do I NEED help? What if I just keep going to counselling and working on myself? Surely I can just not drink?
I'll risk speaking for others here because the risk is pretty low lol - EVERYONE who ends up at AA has gone through that apart from the ones who we so destroyed by drink that they crawled in through the doors on their knees once alcoholism had battered them to the point where it was a life-or-death decision....which in truth I suspect for an alcoholic it ALWAYS is...it's just a question of how soon one jumps and rolls off the massive and fatal trainwreck that life is about to become....a month, a year, a decade in our future.
The work I do involves spotting talent for large companies....perhaps the biggest minus in those assessments is to have a set of mental models and emotional derailers that lead them to think/feel they have to be self-sufficient. If you're going to run a large company or even a department it simply can't be done.
Human beings are interdependent. We have to be aware of our boundaries and all of that, but in the end none of us can do it on our own. Even Grizzly Adams had a bear lol...
Keep posting...the board is here to help us all work it out, early days and long-term days....
You simply take what you like and leave the rest....it's a mirror....and for me it was a lifeline...so of course I recommend you use it.
Take care of yourself
Martin
If you look back at any of my posts you'll see I drank just a few days ago, but the most colourful ones are a few weeks ago when I went into complete meltdown mentally....
Some of the recovering alcoholics I have met at AA are truly inspiring. It seems to me that a lot of people in AA tend not to talk about what they have done/do for a living or in life because it can be a kind of ego trip, and one of the things I've come to realise and a lot of AAers will say is that our ego isn't always helpful....you're a smart person so you'll have read about denial and so on, and it's the disease using the ego to protect itself.
But in recovery I have met an artist who exhibits around the world, a Barrister, a Professor, a Priest, a plumber, a housewife, a policeman....like cancer, the disease is an equal opportunity evangelist....some of these people are great, everyone I met was nice, but I guess some will be a pain...and it's that combination and variety that might help you find out a bit more about those glimmers of realisation you're looking for.
Who said getting help isn't self-sufficient? Are you going to fix your cancer on your own? That broken leg? Are you going to learn French without help? Medicine? When you get a job are you going to refuse all offers of help? Don't expect to get very far in your career....world class golfer? Without a coach? Tennis ditto....footballer...duh, team game.....painist? Without a conductor? and orchestra? Father? Without an example to follow? Would you deny your daughter the benefit of wisdom a friend might offer you? We human beings mustn't lose ourselves in others but we are NOTHING without each other...and life certainly isn't much fun....
hey, and anyway, if you take your friends advice....why is that being more self-sufficient than hearing what someone says at AA and DECIDING to do that or NOT as YOU choose? It's always YOUR choice Adam...
And that includes rehab or any other method. The single most important thing is that you WANT to stop....that's huge....you're doing brilliantly just recognising that....the rest will work itself through....you might not need AA, no-one knows that....what you DO need to do is follow through on those genuinely FELT insights, those moments when you hear the very best part of you calling you to take a step in a certain direction....THAT'S what you need to listen to Adam....for me that best part of me is my Higher Power, that quiet, True voice/feeling inside of me that I KNOW is my heart's truth....when I follow that I am being truly myself and nothing is wrong....when I drown it out or run away from it I end up heading for pain and misery and hating myself....
I can't speak for anyone else, that's one of the things I've learnt, but I can tell you my self-sufficiency could have killed me.....I BECAME self-sufficient because when I was very young there was no-one I felt I could depend on....and within that fierce, rigid shell of self-sufficiency I learnt all sorts of unhelpful things.....it kept me sane/alive and functioning so far as society could see...most people I know would have told you I was sorted...successful, helpful, kind, loving....and inside I was dead to myself....crikey, you've seen all the movies, that male stereotype....how about the bloke in GI Jane? The Master Sargeant? Self-sufficient and dead inside...apart from the poetry....a man running away from the only thing that really scared him....his insides.....You mention that you're not sure who you are....hey, I'm 50 and I'm still finding out....I had a hole at my centre where I should have been...of course I was running like hell.... and all the time I should have been doing the painful thing you're doing now and looking INWARD....because THAT'S where the truth for ME, MY life, always is....
The Unconscious mind is fascinating....let me play amatuer therapist....I won't go anywhere dangerous....your pain and confusion scares your friends because you have found the courage to be open about it, to bring it up from the basement and LOOK at it. You're facing it. They aren't able to face theirs yet. Whether it's about alcohol for them or not (and if they're big drinkers it probably will be), they are disturbed at an unconscious level by what they feel emerging in you, a growing awareness....
It's important to remember that we ALL have unconscious motivations, fears, dreads and dreams and we project those onto other people....we hang around with people who make us feel comfortable and they do that by validating our own UNCONSCIOUS world view.....when one of us starts to change it is VERY scary....we can feel the tectonic plates shifting underneath OUR feet....
Again, if you read my posts you'll see I have similar feelings about AA....am I REALLY an alcoholic? Do I NEED help? What if I just keep going to counselling and working on myself? Surely I can just not drink?
I'll risk speaking for others here because the risk is pretty low lol - EVERYONE who ends up at AA has gone through that apart from the ones who we so destroyed by drink that they crawled in through the doors on their knees once alcoholism had battered them to the point where it was a life-or-death decision....which in truth I suspect for an alcoholic it ALWAYS is...it's just a question of how soon one jumps and rolls off the massive and fatal trainwreck that life is about to become....a month, a year, a decade in our future.
The work I do involves spotting talent for large companies....perhaps the biggest minus in those assessments is to have a set of mental models and emotional derailers that lead them to think/feel they have to be self-sufficient. If you're going to run a large company or even a department it simply can't be done.
Human beings are interdependent. We have to be aware of our boundaries and all of that, but in the end none of us can do it on our own. Even Grizzly Adams had a bear lol...
Keep posting...the board is here to help us all work it out, early days and long-term days....
You simply take what you like and leave the rest....it's a mirror....and for me it was a lifeline...so of course I recommend you use it.
Take care of yourself
Martin
Hiya Adam,
I was wondering about you tonight. So what are you going to do about this? You keep doing the same thing and expecting new results. That's the nature of the beast. The only person that has pity for you here is...You! That's part of the beast as well.I feel for you because I have been there but it's not pity.
If you keep feeling sorry for yourself and setting yourself up to fail things will just keep repeating themselves. Does that make sense?
You are obviously depressed about your drinking and alcohol is a depressant. So you do the math.
Adam you can do this but you have to make some good choices now. There is no time like the present!
As for those "so-called" friends of yours badmouthing AA.....Are any of them recovering alcoholics? Any of them not drink at all? I have a feeling they don't want to lose their party buddy or perhaps they have a drinking problem of their own. Don't carry around their crap with you.
Keep going to meetings. If you drink after then that is your choice and your choice alone. Eventually something you hear in there will stick.
Keep posting and keep being honest. Most of all be honest with yourself. You know what you have to do....quit pussyfooting around and do it.
You will be okay without booze I promise. It takes an entire lifestyle change but life is pretty damn good sober!
Take care!
Valarie
I was wondering about you tonight. So what are you going to do about this? You keep doing the same thing and expecting new results. That's the nature of the beast. The only person that has pity for you here is...You! That's part of the beast as well.I feel for you because I have been there but it's not pity.
If you keep feeling sorry for yourself and setting yourself up to fail things will just keep repeating themselves. Does that make sense?
You are obviously depressed about your drinking and alcohol is a depressant. So you do the math.
Adam you can do this but you have to make some good choices now. There is no time like the present!
As for those "so-called" friends of yours badmouthing AA.....Are any of them recovering alcoholics? Any of them not drink at all? I have a feeling they don't want to lose their party buddy or perhaps they have a drinking problem of their own. Don't carry around their crap with you.
Keep going to meetings. If you drink after then that is your choice and your choice alone. Eventually something you hear in there will stick.
Keep posting and keep being honest. Most of all be honest with yourself. You know what you have to do....quit pussyfooting around and do it.
You will be okay without booze I promise. It takes an entire lifestyle change but life is pretty damn good sober!
Take care!
Valarie
Dodsworth I wish I would have gone for help years before I did.I didn't because I was always afraid what other people would think. Hey going for help meant I really was an alcholic so if I didn't go I guess I thought I wasn't. Sometimes we need help to get where we are going. Maybe you do need inpatient care to come off the booze if so ,do it. Give yourself the gift.What have you got to lose? I am still struggling,I still have bad days and cravings, It is a struggle. I came really close to drinking yesterday. REALLY CLOSE.Adam I am learning that what other people think is not really any of my business. I am learning to feel and think for myself. I've always let my self come last. I pushed aside my feelings for other people and told myself to feel the way they wanted me to feel. to think the way they wanted me to think. somewhere along the way I lost ME.I am finding me again Adam.I quite dont know who she is yet but I see glimpses of her and who she really is instead of who she thinks she should be to please others. I am sure your friends have good intentions when they try and give you advice but only those who suffer from this disease can truly understand what you are going through. I do, so do others on this board. Take care my friend and keep posting. Have a good day and know that you are never alone.
Hey Dodsworth hows things
I have been sober for awhile.....but today i am only as sober as anyone else in the same day who is sober 24hrs...one day at a time.
I sit in meetings and when i see newcomers it is two fold emotions i still know the insanity i am only one drink away from it, i see the scars everytime i look in a mirror and feel them everytime i share...I also feel the rush of adrenalin and gratitude in the hope that the newcomer sees the hope and the seed is planted in them to stay sober, i go to meetings to give back what has been given to me and in turn i recieve a peacefulness in spirit that always happens at meetings for me
It is a simple programme you only need a desire to stop drinking, ears that will listen and the willingness to change
There is enough beer in our house for me to get a head on and i live 2 mins walk from a pub...i choose not to drink because i dont want to die...simple no thought needed..i am lucky because once i listened at a meeting i found out that i was not alone in my insanity and i belonged...for once in my life i belonged..that was a life saving/changing feeling for me
Keep posting
light and love Zac
I have been sober for awhile.....but today i am only as sober as anyone else in the same day who is sober 24hrs...one day at a time.
I sit in meetings and when i see newcomers it is two fold emotions i still know the insanity i am only one drink away from it, i see the scars everytime i look in a mirror and feel them everytime i share...I also feel the rush of adrenalin and gratitude in the hope that the newcomer sees the hope and the seed is planted in them to stay sober, i go to meetings to give back what has been given to me and in turn i recieve a peacefulness in spirit that always happens at meetings for me
It is a simple programme you only need a desire to stop drinking, ears that will listen and the willingness to change
There is enough beer in our house for me to get a head on and i live 2 mins walk from a pub...i choose not to drink because i dont want to die...simple no thought needed..i am lucky because once i listened at a meeting i found out that i was not alone in my insanity and i belonged...for once in my life i belonged..that was a life saving/changing feeling for me
Keep posting
light and love Zac
I've been sober for a while too and like Zac said, no we don't forget what it's like to try to get sober. I can remember sitting in a meeting not believing that everyone was as saintly as they seemed to me and hating their laughter and easy going ways. Didn't they know my world was ending? Well, yeah, they did. I was so afraid of living without getting a buzz. I thought everyone was full of crap and they were all on medication. I remember sitting in meetings staring at the floors hoping someone would drop a pill because that would be a sign that God did not want me to stop drinking or popping pills. But I was wrong. There were no pills on the floor. I also remember being drunk and miserable and suicidal after the booze stopped being fun. It was horrible and I don't ever want to feel like that again. You've heard in meetings, just for today. Just for today, don't drink. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow. And even if you do drink, keep coming back.
smooches
smooches
Check in when you can Adam. Howz it? Have you gone to another meeting?
Take care...Valarie
Take care...Valarie
