Hi everyone. Yesterday was my first post and I've ready so many in just one day that I am compelled to write more myself. The support here is so great.
I wanted to post here to tell you that at one point in my life I was addicted to so many substances and it is only by the grace of a higher power that I did not accidentally overdose. I was fortunate (??) enough to work in a physicians office were I was able to get my hands on samples of all kinds of medications. It didn't matter to me what it was, I would take it if it would get me high, put me to sleep or calm me down. And I was also taking anti-depressants at high doses and drinking nightly (although not heavily, but socially) every night in addition to putting all kinds of substances in my body. From the outside you would have never known as I functioned "normally" taking my kids to school, working, driving - all while under the influence. I thank GOD that I never harmed my children or anyone on the road - even though I thought I had all my facilties about me and never had a problem driving, I'm sure it wasn't good to do so.
My world came crashing down when one of the prescriptions I forged was questioned by a pharmacist in an out of town pharmacy I was at. He phoned the doctor I worked for, who denied writing the script. Right then and there I thought to myself that I was going to jail and I couldn't even imagine how I would explain this to my family and friends who knew nothing about my habits. The doctor I was working for was in enough hot water of his own - numerous lawsuits against him for questionable misconduct - so instead of pressing charges against me (I was ready to retaliate with a counter suit saying that it would have been his fault for making all this medication available to me!!) he only fired me. I was also stealing money from the cash box...$10 or $20 nightly....petty theft, but theft nonetheless. I didn't even need the money.
At the same time this was going on, I was cheating on my spouse with someone I had met on the internet. I was driving 4 hours to another state to be with someone who didn't love me...only used me for sex. (Gosh I can hardly believe I threw everything away for this A**hole). One day in a hotel room he phoned 911 saying he was suicidal as I was just walking in for our "rendezvous". Need I say that my behavior caused my marriage to fall apart??
Ten years later I look back at the horrific way I led my life and while I am not totally free of addiction (still battling with pain meds) I can say that I'm trying to take responsibiity for what I did. I am in a loving relationship for the first time in my life, yet my partner knows nothing of my past struggles and the guilt is killing me. I only recently (5 mos ago after surgery) began abusing meds again which is why I never confided in my spouse - I was clean for a long while when we met and I thought - why should I reveal all this crap about my past, convinced that he would never want me if he knew...now I think it was a mistake because when I do finally confide he will be upset that I have not been truthful as well as shocked. (Can you blame him?)
From the outside I have everything you could want...beautiful home, great kids, phenomenal job that lets me travel the world, loving & faithful spouse....so WHY on earth do I continue to abuse medication? WHY am I not happy with what I have? This seems like a cyclical thing with me...life is good for a few years, then I start feeling unhappy and relapse into addiction which only makes me unhappier. At this point in the cycle I go on antidepressants (none of which work) for several months, switch 2 or 3 times and then give up on them. Around this time in the cycle something good happens...meet someone new or get a new job and I am happy and okay for a while...
I am concerned because I am now starting to feel unhappy with a life that others would kill for. I want to simply have a stable life without all these ups and downs. I am afraid to lose someone I love by now confiding in him and I am wondering if I should just get counseling and try to deal with this on my own.
Thank you all for listening and being supportive. Just being able to post this information helps...seeing these words in print even is helpful.
Hi KL;
I would suspect you're not happy right now because deep down there's an inner voice whispering that it's time to come clean, admit you're an addict and get help for your drug problem. Having nice things in liife is great, but from my experience it doesn't insulate us from the real person we are.
I can't say how much you should or shouldn't tell your spouse about your past. But until you take care of yourself and your drug addiction you'll probably bounce between a life of make believe and one of reality. You've come to this forum, which is a tremendous first step. Now it's time to face your demons head-on, and in the process of getting totally honest you'll begin to find a world of hope and joy that is totally worth the journey!
Call your doctor, or a drug counselor, or go to an NA meeting. It's not easy...but it is so worth it!
Good luck,
Jim
I would suspect you're not happy right now because deep down there's an inner voice whispering that it's time to come clean, admit you're an addict and get help for your drug problem. Having nice things in liife is great, but from my experience it doesn't insulate us from the real person we are.
I can't say how much you should or shouldn't tell your spouse about your past. But until you take care of yourself and your drug addiction you'll probably bounce between a life of make believe and one of reality. You've come to this forum, which is a tremendous first step. Now it's time to face your demons head-on, and in the process of getting totally honest you'll begin to find a world of hope and joy that is totally worth the journey!
Call your doctor, or a drug counselor, or go to an NA meeting. It's not easy...but it is so worth it!
Good luck,
Jim
Jim beat me to the punch... and while my post would have been lengthy, his is simple and to the point. You need help. I need to get going but wanted to respond before I left. I will check in with you later... do yourself a favor and pick up that phone (I know it weighs 2 tons right now) and call for help...
Love
Cowgirl
Love
Cowgirl
kl,
welcome to the board... you are so not alone...
first let me say .. you posted...
From the outside I have everything you could want...beautiful home, great kids, phenomenal job that lets me travel the world, loving & faithful spouse....so WHY on earth do I continue to abuse medication? WHY am I not happy with what I have?
the answer to that statement is a simple concept but one of the hardest things for most people to get hold of...... this is a DISEASE... it doesnt speak a language of logic or sense.... it also doesnt discriminate between rich poor, men women, skinny fat, educated or not... it just is....
as for why what JR posted he is exactly right... most of us use to escape for what ever reason, ourselves... we dont like being in our own skin.... I didnt.... so I used.. It will take some counseling to figure out what is at the root of your using... what tools you can use to brake the cycle...
As for your spouse.... that is a toughy.... recovery is work and it takes support....my gut tells me that if you are in a loving relationship and you are ready to make a real commitment than sit down and explain the fear of why you didnt tell them. The shame of the stigma, the fact that you are ready and begging for help to change and how much you need them.... do it with a counselor maybe after you have went to see them for a period of time... this will take a lot of courage but if the shoes were on the other feet ..... and can you see living the rest of your life with the secret and never sharing it with them.... worrying if they will find out or at least having the guilt of having something between you....
anyway... just my thoughts.... no matter what you decide to do just know that it is worth it alll... recovery is worth all the pain that i endured.... I lost sooo much ... a house, a car... , a good career ( at least for the last 4 years) , a husband, and my crediblity ( that is the most precious but i am working on it) and i was in jail... but all that is soo worth it just by being free from that obsessive thinking ....
choosing recovery is simply choosing between life and death... choose...
God Bless....
Teresa
welcome to the board... you are so not alone...
first let me say .. you posted...
From the outside I have everything you could want...beautiful home, great kids, phenomenal job that lets me travel the world, loving & faithful spouse....so WHY on earth do I continue to abuse medication? WHY am I not happy with what I have?
the answer to that statement is a simple concept but one of the hardest things for most people to get hold of...... this is a DISEASE... it doesnt speak a language of logic or sense.... it also doesnt discriminate between rich poor, men women, skinny fat, educated or not... it just is....
as for why what JR posted he is exactly right... most of us use to escape for what ever reason, ourselves... we dont like being in our own skin.... I didnt.... so I used.. It will take some counseling to figure out what is at the root of your using... what tools you can use to brake the cycle...
As for your spouse.... that is a toughy.... recovery is work and it takes support....my gut tells me that if you are in a loving relationship and you are ready to make a real commitment than sit down and explain the fear of why you didnt tell them. The shame of the stigma, the fact that you are ready and begging for help to change and how much you need them.... do it with a counselor maybe after you have went to see them for a period of time... this will take a lot of courage but if the shoes were on the other feet ..... and can you see living the rest of your life with the secret and never sharing it with them.... worrying if they will find out or at least having the guilt of having something between you....
anyway... just my thoughts.... no matter what you decide to do just know that it is worth it alll... recovery is worth all the pain that i endured.... I lost sooo much ... a house, a car... , a good career ( at least for the last 4 years) , a husband, and my crediblity ( that is the most precious but i am working on it) and i was in jail... but all that is soo worth it just by being free from that obsessive thinking ....
choosing recovery is simply choosing between life and death... choose...
God Bless....
Teresa
Hi there and welcome to the site hun. firstly someones heaven is always someones hell and vis versa. I would approach it this way firstly i would go to a meeting where i could express my feelings and eventually find out about me as a person and maybe find a solution as to why i kept relapsing. worrying about metierial issues are neglegable in veiw of the fact that you do have children im sure they would rather lose there fav toy then lose a mum. we all have choices in life hun sometimes we make bad ones its how you go from here that counts, you have been brave and honest enough to admit your problems now you just need to find the best way forward into a recovery for yourself, its hard but as i always say give a little to gain a lot take care jackie xxxx
Hi...I read your post.....what a familiar story. I lived the last 20 years using and abusing anything I could get my hands on!!! I didn't really drink, it was pills, pot, coke, that kind of stuff, but I really liked the pills. I was in two bad marriages, was single for 8 years, raising my daughter alone, all the while high on pills, functioning, going to work full time, etc. I then got clean about 3 years ago and recently had surgery about 3 months ago and have used pain meds for the last 6 months. I stopped cold turkey about 3 days ago. I'm telling you, it will be hell when you do, but it will be worth it.
As far as the happiness thing goes, I met a wonderful guy who I am living with and we plan on getting married soon. I told him about my past and he was okay with it and appreciated that I was big enough to tell him everything. I told him everything!!!! However, after my surgeries I took the pain meds, as far as he knows, for only 2 months; I was taking them on the sly from him the other 4 months. I then felt guilty and stopped 3 days ago. I think when we get happy, old things in our lives resurface and we need a little bit of reassurance that everything is fine. I suggest you go to a counselor or therapist to talk. He/She may suggest you go to some meetings and possibly an out-patient treatment center. That's what happened to me 3 years ago. I went to a therapist and ended up telling him about my pill usage. I ended up in rehab a week later. I wasn't in a relationship at the time, however, I was unhappy.
I urge you to talk to someone or go to a meeting. It will make you feel better. You'll get to see what addiction is all about.
Take care, I'll say a prayer!!
Write and let us know what happens!!!
As far as the happiness thing goes, I met a wonderful guy who I am living with and we plan on getting married soon. I told him about my past and he was okay with it and appreciated that I was big enough to tell him everything. I told him everything!!!! However, after my surgeries I took the pain meds, as far as he knows, for only 2 months; I was taking them on the sly from him the other 4 months. I then felt guilty and stopped 3 days ago. I think when we get happy, old things in our lives resurface and we need a little bit of reassurance that everything is fine. I suggest you go to a counselor or therapist to talk. He/She may suggest you go to some meetings and possibly an out-patient treatment center. That's what happened to me 3 years ago. I went to a therapist and ended up telling him about my pill usage. I ended up in rehab a week later. I wasn't in a relationship at the time, however, I was unhappy.
I urge you to talk to someone or go to a meeting. It will make you feel better. You'll get to see what addiction is all about.
Take care, I'll say a prayer!!
Write and let us know what happens!!!
Claudia, thank you so much. I'd love to correspond with you and if you're interested please email me at ozergirl@yahoo.com
Thanks to everyone who posted in response to my post. It means a lot to me
Thanks to everyone who posted in response to my post. It means a lot to me
KL, the weird thing about addiction is that it never ends... you have to be careful because you will ALWAYS have an addictive personality. You may come clean from the pain medicine, but (as you know) you could next become addicted to sex, the Internet, coffee, alcohol, etc.
You need to work with a professional to find the root/cause behind why you are so unhappy... And when you find that answer, maybe you can let me know that, too, because your story is a lot like my own (not parallel, but very similar)
You need to work with a professional to find the root/cause behind why you are so unhappy... And when you find that answer, maybe you can let me know that, too, because your story is a lot like my own (not parallel, but very similar)
