After what I just wrote, all I can ask myself is why?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
Why is life so f*cking unfair?
I'm out of pills and now a dear friend is gone and I really need a pill!
How stupid can I be? Look at what I just wrote, yeah i really need a pill don't I?
Maybe that's why i am out of pills, because my friend is gone.
I'm not making any sense right now, i'm so pissed of right now.
Haven't seen him in over 2 years, and every time i drove by his house the last 2 years i thought about stopping but didn't, why didn't I? In to big of hurry to get where i was going, or to get home.
Now he's gone, can't stop now.
I hate death. We live this hell here, to look forward to what, to dying. Isn't that just f*cking wonderful.
Sorry i'm just pissed off, shouldn't even post this, but what the hell.
Now you'll all probably all think i'm phsycotic, but really i'm not, just wish I could go back to yesterday, so i could call him and maybe could of said something so he wouldn't of done this. But like they say hind sight is 20/20.
Sometimes I just wonder what my purpose is here. I feel like s*** all the time, I can't sleep, and that pisses me off. I just like to lay down at a descent time and sleep like a normal person.
Is this ever going to end. I know i prolonged by taking the pills but i'm sick and tired of it.
SOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Hey A2O:
I'm sorry to read about your friend. You're - right death sucks. I wish there was something profound I could say to make you feel better, but if there is - I don't know it. It's hard because you always think there will be time to say the things you want to say, and when that time is suddenly snatched away it seems so unfair. I'm not going to give you platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" because I don't believe that. I lost my daughter when she was 5 months and 6 days old. I had twins born prematurely, each weighing approx. 2 lbs (I had pre-eclampsia, nothing at all to due with drugs, I had been clean for 8 years when I got pregnant). 2 little girls One came home after 6 weeks in the hospital, and the other spent her whole life in the hospital. All 5 months and 6 days of it. You can see why the expression "everything happens....." would upset me. It was unfair, people meant well with the things they said, for the most part I was angry. I was angry at God, I blamed myself because it was my body that couldn't carry them to term (even though I was in thebest shape of my life). They say there are 5 stages of grief. One of the stages is anger, and thats where I went - it somehow mad it hurt less - I was angry at God Big Time. It's been 10 years and I still haven't faced it straight on, it still hurts too much because I haven't dealt with it. Eventually, I turned to my old coping skills, pain pills. Please don't let your pain take you down like I have. To even begin to heal you have to go through the pain, not just cover it up like I have. Remember, it's not as painful when you numb yourself with opiates, but at the same time you're numbing yourself to joy also. For the past 10 years I haven't really faced my life and I just now realized that. Hang in there and turn to good coping skills like meetings, or this forum, or friends Turn to your support systems, instead of opiates, save your life to really feel - the pain as well as the joy, the downs as well as the ups. I don't know if this helped you any, but I think it's helped me - so thank you!
I'm sorry to read about your friend. You're - right death sucks. I wish there was something profound I could say to make you feel better, but if there is - I don't know it. It's hard because you always think there will be time to say the things you want to say, and when that time is suddenly snatched away it seems so unfair. I'm not going to give you platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" because I don't believe that. I lost my daughter when she was 5 months and 6 days old. I had twins born prematurely, each weighing approx. 2 lbs (I had pre-eclampsia, nothing at all to due with drugs, I had been clean for 8 years when I got pregnant). 2 little girls One came home after 6 weeks in the hospital, and the other spent her whole life in the hospital. All 5 months and 6 days of it. You can see why the expression "everything happens....." would upset me. It was unfair, people meant well with the things they said, for the most part I was angry. I was angry at God, I blamed myself because it was my body that couldn't carry them to term (even though I was in thebest shape of my life). They say there are 5 stages of grief. One of the stages is anger, and thats where I went - it somehow mad it hurt less - I was angry at God Big Time. It's been 10 years and I still haven't faced it straight on, it still hurts too much because I haven't dealt with it. Eventually, I turned to my old coping skills, pain pills. Please don't let your pain take you down like I have. To even begin to heal you have to go through the pain, not just cover it up like I have. Remember, it's not as painful when you numb yourself with opiates, but at the same time you're numbing yourself to joy also. For the past 10 years I haven't really faced my life and I just now realized that. Hang in there and turn to good coping skills like meetings, or this forum, or friends Turn to your support systems, instead of opiates, save your life to really feel - the pain as well as the joy, the downs as well as the ups. I don't know if this helped you any, but I think it's helped me - so thank you!
I want to say I feel for both of you. I never had a sincerely close person die. However my mom is sick with lung cancer, everyday I pray to God to please let her live. I know that if she does pass I will be a mess, so I can emphathize with both of your situations. I recently heard something on t.v where someone said "why do people have to die" and the other person said so we will know how important it is to live. Funny thing is at the time we are not thinking that at all we are thinking why did you take them and not me???? I hope God won't be mad at me if he does take my Mom because I am sure I will be angry. I don't think this helps you I just wanted you to know you are both in my thoughts and prayers
Roxy
Roxy
It's ok to be f***ing angry.
It's ok to want to go back.
It's ok to want to rip your hair out and yell at god and feel grief and rage and despair.
It's all ok.
Just give it some time.
And I don't mean "give it time" and it will go away...
I mean mean give it time so it doesn't consume you.
Because like I said yesterday, you have so much more left on your journey.
My heart is open to you,
SP
It's ok to want to go back.
It's ok to want to rip your hair out and yell at god and feel grief and rage and despair.
It's all ok.
Just give it some time.
And I don't mean "give it time" and it will go away...
I mean mean give it time so it doesn't consume you.
Because like I said yesterday, you have so much more left on your journey.
My heart is open to you,
SP
