I am just going to go with the short version of my story because I feel that is all that is needed. I am now a 40yr old, divorced, mother of 2 beautiful children 14(son) and 11(daughter). I am also an Addict. I have been in Recovery and totally clean for just over 4 years.
I had graduated high school and finished college and was well into my career. (I worked in the court system) At the age of 26 I was involved in a car accidet (1995~1996) Which was the begining of my nightmare. I will just say that due to that accident and many, many surgeries later, I found myself the patient of a Dr. who unbeknownst to me was seriously overprescribing (Oxycotin) medication. Year 1999 My Dr. Was fired for overprescribing. To me at the time meant nothing. Weeks later new Dr refers me to inpatient treatment or Methadone matience. I assured him he was out of his mind BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER HAD AN ISSUE WITH DRUGS. My answer to him was to simply STOP PRECRIBING the meds. I had no idea that YES I HAD BECOME DEPENDANT ON PRESCRIPTION PAIN MEDICATION (ie Oxycotin) 240mg. Addiction.
I spent the next 10 years trying to fight this addiction. I had tried to get clean using every way but the right way.,. Never until now fully surrendering. You see I am the type of addict who had to loose it all before I was done, The job, the money, friends, and family. And finally myself.
Anyways hence the title of my post. Addiction, was not something that I intentionally brought upon myself. At the beginning of this journey that changed my life, addiction took me by surprise then unfortunately, I guess I have to say that I chose to loose the next ten years of my life unsuccessfully using Kacy's way to unsuccessfully overcome addiction. Thanks be to God in 2011, in a moment of clairity ( in my hart, I know now was my gardian angle) Helped me fully surrender to this addiction.
It has been 4 years since I have been free from grips of this disease. It has Not Always been easy, In fact, This is the hardest thing That I have ever done.
I have done some incomprehensible things while in the grips of addiction. I have tried to make ammends were or when possible. I accept responsibility for each and every misdeed that I committed have committed knowingly and unknowingly during my addiction. The biggest and most significant loss that I have suffered is the chance to have Any relationship with the woman who carried me for 9 months and then lovingly brought me into this world then raised me into my adulthood with love and gave me much more than I could have ever asked for.
My mother. Yes. Somewere along the way, She, gave up on me. I find myself, somehow, not fully able to heal. Yes, there is much not discussed in this article. But must I list every hurt we cause our loved one's. I stole, I cheated and I lied. She has chosen to keep me at a distance and assures me that our relationship can truly never mend.
Are you attending NA meetings to treat your addiction?
Bob
Bob
You are so awesome! !!
As a mother of an addict son, I am so impressed and proud of you and your not mine! !!
I'm praying for healing of your precious mothers heart.
As a mother of an addict son, I am so impressed and proud of you and your not mine! !!
I'm praying for healing of your precious mothers heart.
Your post headline "will I ever be good enough; why can't you love me" is speaks to me. I am a mother of an addict and will speak from that perspective. What I hear in your tag line is the child crying out. I have sacrificed so much of my hopes, dreams, happiness and life for that child. What I want now is not the child but the adult with whom I can have a new relationship. One that does not say "Why can't you love me" ( and says "I'm sorry, I understand the pain I've caused and I understand the pain you have been through..I am willing to be an adult and accept my responsibility for the past and for the future." Truly, I don't love that selfish child, we went through that journey together and it was devasting, not only to you but to me; I do want a new and loving relationship with someone who is my adult daughter, one who can own her part in being enough and loving. Mom is waiting for a relationship ; not a demand or guilt.
Kacy, Thank you for your post. My husband is addicted to opiates because he was originally prescribed for back pain. He was send to a pain clinic who gave him Vicodin instead of helping him with the degenerating disks he still has. It took a long time before he would admit he was addicted and realistically how it happened. Before we got married, I moved to another state for a job. He moved 2 years later and the doctor he started going to could not prescribe the same amount he was getting. That threw him off and it has been a downward spiral since. He had issues with doctors and began purchasing illegally for the past 3 years. He had lied and done several things that have hurt us financially. He is currently in inpatient rehab. He went willingly. Last year he went to outpatient treatment but it did not last long. He tried to do it on his own for a few months until 2 weeks ago I found he was using again. He willingly went to rehab. I did not have to say anything beyond letting him know I knew what he did recently. I keep finding things that show we are deeper in debt. I do have a lot of anger for what he has done to our marriage and finances. Reading your post does help me realize that he did not do this on purpose. I am thinking that he hid the credit card statements from not only me but himself too.
I would appreciate advice on how to deal with him when he returns home in 3 weeks. I am angry about all of the money spent and even more so about the fact that he has hidden so much from me but I am also trying to accept that it was the addiction not him doing it.
I would appreciate advice on how to deal with him when he returns home in 3 weeks. I am angry about all of the money spent and even more so about the fact that he has hidden so much from me but I am also trying to accept that it was the addiction not him doing it.
