Painpill,
What on earth gives YOU the right to JUDGE me or ANYONE else on this board???? Sometimes you are right on and other times I wonder why you are so hard on everyone. I think you are just mean and like the attention of creating trouble. Or any kind of attention for that matter.
What credentials do you have to judge? Who are you? Do you even know? Are you so special that you get to sit in judgement and bash everyone to pieces? What are you doing here? When you judge people why do you do that? Does it really help? Look back through. Is there anything you have to learn here? What's is your intended purpose of being here and making the posts you make? I've seen you give okay advice. I just am trying to comprehend you better.
As for me let me put it to ya real straight I am here to learn and to try to help. I do share straight from my heart and tell ya what.. I would not change a thing. If something I can share will help ONE person along their path to a better life and recovery then I have served. I do not have secrets. Life is simply much too short for that.
Peace everyone,
PM
PM,
You are priceless...*wink*
I hope your have a nice weekend. I love ya'.
I was told, "we're only as sick as our secrets".
Take care..............................God bless....................................Bob
You are priceless...*wink*
I hope your have a nice weekend. I love ya'.
I was told, "we're only as sick as our secrets".
Take care..............................God bless....................................Bob
dont let him ruffle your feathers some people just dont get it
and some people just arent happy
who wants to be a bitter angry person?
stay up PM
keep your chin up its easier to see heaven that way
~Adam A
and some people just arent happy
who wants to be a bitter angry person?
stay up PM
keep your chin up its easier to see heaven that way
~Adam A
<message removed>
how old are you recovered bob?
its like 4th grade in here
~Adam A
its like 4th grade in here
~Adam A
Adam,
Hi, good to see ya'. I think your being way to kind giving a 4th grade estimate!
Take care..................Bob
Hi, good to see ya'. I think your being way to kind giving a 4th grade estimate!
Take care..................Bob
hahahaha
probably true
good to see you too
i am so bored
whats new with you?
~Adam A
probably true
good to see you too
i am so bored
whats new with you?
~Adam A
Adam,
Not much, went to a meeting earlier this evening. It, as usual was real good. I always hear what I need. Very spiritual meeting tonight, alot of gratitude etc.
Then talked to a good friend on the phone for a bit then took my youngest out for a treat. All in all been a good night. Thanks for askin'..................Bob
Not much, went to a meeting earlier this evening. It, as usual was real good. I always hear what I need. Very spiritual meeting tonight, alot of gratitude etc.
Then talked to a good friend on the phone for a bit then took my youngest out for a treat. All in all been a good night. Thanks for askin'..................Bob
sounds fun bob...
i went to a trivia night it was interesting
but mainly it was just nice to get out of the house
i cant wait to have kids to take out for a treat
how many do you have?
~adam A
i went to a trivia night it was interesting
but mainly it was just nice to get out of the house
i cant wait to have kids to take out for a treat
how many do you have?
~adam A
Two girls, 8 and 13. My oldest is at my folks for the weekend, they take turns going there. So, we had to make sure the younger one had a special day as well. I love being a dad today, it's fun. I think it's more fun for me than anything.
I've learned to enjoy every moment. I missed so much, thank God for video! lol
But I can't change the past so now I'm creating a new past............Bob
I've learned to enjoy every moment. I missed so much, thank God for video! lol
But I can't change the past so now I'm creating a new past............Bob
thats awesome i cant wait. well i can but i really want kids
do your kids know anything about your past?
by the way are you reading some of the posts on here tonight?
what a pile of crap
~Adam A
do your kids know anything about your past?
by the way are you reading some of the posts on here tonight?
what a pile of crap
~Adam A
<message removed>
Adam,
Yeah, I'm reading, craps a good word for it.
Yeah, my oldest knows whats up, my wife and I both have talked to her, and when she has a question we answer it as best we can. She knows meetings are a good thing and even helps me set up and make the coffee at my home group on Saturday night, my youngest helps too. Then I drop them off at home and go back for the meeting. Recovery is a family affair, it's all good.....Bob
Yeah, I'm reading, craps a good word for it.
Yeah, my oldest knows whats up, my wife and I both have talked to her, and when she has a question we answer it as best we can. She knows meetings are a good thing and even helps me set up and make the coffee at my home group on Saturday night, my youngest helps too. Then I drop them off at home and go back for the meeting. Recovery is a family affair, it's all good.....Bob
that is great bob
keeping them involved so they dont feel like you are hiding things from them is great
i am so happy for you man
i dont really know your story i was going to read some of your posts
but if you wouldnt mind sharing a short synopsis
~Adam A
keeping them involved so they dont feel like you are hiding things from them is great
i am so happy for you man
i dont really know your story i was going to read some of your posts
but if you wouldnt mind sharing a short synopsis
~Adam A
so your mom was a junky huh?
~Adam A
~Adam A
Adam,
I don't feel like typin' that much tonight, lol, I posted a briefly about me here before so I just copied it and pasted it here for ya'........
I was attracted to the lifestyle of an alcoholic before I ever picked up my first drink. My father is a recovering alcoholic, he'll have 25 years in April. I grew up watching my father drink with his so called buddies and spent alot of times in bars as a young child. Always feeling like I never fit in anywhere and feeling different from all my friends, I loved the fuss ppl. made of me when I was with him. I loved the fact that everyone seemed so happy in the bar they all seemed like good friends and I felt, even that young, excepted for me. So, I'll skip ahead a little. I picked up at 10 yrs. old. no big deal just tried it but I do remember liking the taste. It was a weekend thing to do through my highschool years. I was a full blown alcoholic by the time I was 19.My father had been in A.A. since I turned 15. I went to a few meetings with him back in 1985 or 86 but it wasn't for me then, I still had to many "I nevers". I don't feel it nessessary to go into "war stories" here...1986 I started doin' coke alot along with my drinkin'. I loved it..It allowed me to drink and stay in the game for days at a time rather then just the night or weekend!!..lol I moved a few times and somehow managed to get married and have two beautiful girls. Now 13 and 8.
No matter where I moved I always managed to gravitate towards the ppl. that were just like me. No matter where ya' go ya' take yourself with ya'!! lol
1995 I was introduced to Percocet. I replaced everything else I did for it. Stopped drinkin' doin' coke just did the pills. Wasn't long before I was up to about 50 or 60 a day. I started learning what pills were simular what ones you had to take more of for effect. I knew more about them then the f---'in doctors did. I had back surgery in 2000. before this I had a few oxy's from time to time but not many. This time I was given my own script. 80mg..I remember actually being excited about discharge from the hos. cause I couldn't wait to get my scrip filled...Wasn't long I was taking between 10 & 20 of these a day. And still taking whatever other kind of opiate I could get my hands on. I was nolonger getting high from all of this I needed to take this amount just to feel normal. Just to wake up and do what I had to do couldn't be done without the help of a handfull of pills.And thats no s*** as I'm sure you all know. One morning in 2001 I called my dad, asked him for help. It had to stop.I was out of what I needed sitting on my bedroom floor crying begging God for help. My dad came over called a friend of his who I knew for years. My dad couldn't help me. It's not a good idea to get involved with 12 steppin' a family member. I knew this, cause I fourtunately knew about A.A....N.A....etc..Anyway, this friend took me to rehab on 10-30-2001. My life was saved because of A.A. the ppl. in it and God. But because I still never admitted complete powerlessness at two years clean and sober after about 8 or 9 surgeries for kidney stones I picked up. I took my meds. the wrong way and bought two bags of coke. Why? Because back in July of 2003 I stopped making meetings on a regular basis. Thought I was fine and didn't need that s***. WRONG!! Only took 4 months for me and I was back on the train. Thank God and my wife and friends I called my sponcer 1-11-04 told him exactly what I did, Turns out he knew!! lol...Today I have 60 days!! I never felt better. I haven't even taken an asprin!! lol I went through withdraw at home the first few days. It was hell but I kept busy, went to meetings and the weeks flew by. I don't ever want to feel anyother way then I do today. I've admitted complete defeat & powerlessness. I ask God for another day in the morning and I thank him at night and I try do do whats right inbetween. I make a meeting try to help another alcoholic/addict. I love this board, it's been a big help. God bless all of you and good luck. If I can do it we all can. It's progress not perfection! Lets do it together!! ..........Thanks for letting me share!!..............Bob
Take care....................................God bless......................................Bob
I don't feel like typin' that much tonight, lol, I posted a briefly about me here before so I just copied it and pasted it here for ya'........
I was attracted to the lifestyle of an alcoholic before I ever picked up my first drink. My father is a recovering alcoholic, he'll have 25 years in April. I grew up watching my father drink with his so called buddies and spent alot of times in bars as a young child. Always feeling like I never fit in anywhere and feeling different from all my friends, I loved the fuss ppl. made of me when I was with him. I loved the fact that everyone seemed so happy in the bar they all seemed like good friends and I felt, even that young, excepted for me. So, I'll skip ahead a little. I picked up at 10 yrs. old. no big deal just tried it but I do remember liking the taste. It was a weekend thing to do through my highschool years. I was a full blown alcoholic by the time I was 19.My father had been in A.A. since I turned 15. I went to a few meetings with him back in 1985 or 86 but it wasn't for me then, I still had to many "I nevers". I don't feel it nessessary to go into "war stories" here...1986 I started doin' coke alot along with my drinkin'. I loved it..It allowed me to drink and stay in the game for days at a time rather then just the night or weekend!!..lol I moved a few times and somehow managed to get married and have two beautiful girls. Now 13 and 8.
No matter where I moved I always managed to gravitate towards the ppl. that were just like me. No matter where ya' go ya' take yourself with ya'!! lol
1995 I was introduced to Percocet. I replaced everything else I did for it. Stopped drinkin' doin' coke just did the pills. Wasn't long before I was up to about 50 or 60 a day. I started learning what pills were simular what ones you had to take more of for effect. I knew more about them then the f---'in doctors did. I had back surgery in 2000. before this I had a few oxy's from time to time but not many. This time I was given my own script. 80mg..I remember actually being excited about discharge from the hos. cause I couldn't wait to get my scrip filled...Wasn't long I was taking between 10 & 20 of these a day. And still taking whatever other kind of opiate I could get my hands on. I was nolonger getting high from all of this I needed to take this amount just to feel normal. Just to wake up and do what I had to do couldn't be done without the help of a handfull of pills.And thats no s*** as I'm sure you all know. One morning in 2001 I called my dad, asked him for help. It had to stop.I was out of what I needed sitting on my bedroom floor crying begging God for help. My dad came over called a friend of his who I knew for years. My dad couldn't help me. It's not a good idea to get involved with 12 steppin' a family member. I knew this, cause I fourtunately knew about A.A....N.A....etc..Anyway, this friend took me to rehab on 10-30-2001. My life was saved because of A.A. the ppl. in it and God. But because I still never admitted complete powerlessness at two years clean and sober after about 8 or 9 surgeries for kidney stones I picked up. I took my meds. the wrong way and bought two bags of coke. Why? Because back in July of 2003 I stopped making meetings on a regular basis. Thought I was fine and didn't need that s***. WRONG!! Only took 4 months for me and I was back on the train. Thank God and my wife and friends I called my sponcer 1-11-04 told him exactly what I did, Turns out he knew!! lol...Today I have 60 days!! I never felt better. I haven't even taken an asprin!! lol I went through withdraw at home the first few days. It was hell but I kept busy, went to meetings and the weeks flew by. I don't ever want to feel anyother way then I do today. I've admitted complete defeat & powerlessness. I ask God for another day in the morning and I thank him at night and I try do do whats right inbetween. I make a meeting try to help another alcoholic/addict. I love this board, it's been a big help. God bless all of you and good luck. If I can do it we all can. It's progress not perfection! Lets do it together!! ..........Thanks for letting me share!!..............Bob
Take care....................................God bless......................................Bob
i dont feel like typing that much either thanks for sharing bob thats a powerful story...i wrote my story up a few weeks ago b/c i will be speaking to local media for the partnership for a drugfree america. my story...
am a recovering heroin addict, but I am different from most heroin addicts because I am still alive and am still clean after 3 years. Heroin wasnt my first drug. Like so many other heroin addicts, I started with other drugs. In 7th grade I started occasionally smoking cigarettes, marijuana and drinking beer. I really started using with I was 17.
It was my junior year of high school and I just wanted to feel like I belonged, so I started hanging out with a different crowd of friends. When I was with them I felt like I was a part of something - like I finally belonged to a group. In elementary school, I felt like I had a place to belong, but 7th grade was a wake up call for me. I changed schools and I was no longer in the "cool crowd. Until I became friends with this new group of people I never really felt like I had a specific place where people wanted me.
I even struggled with my parents wanting me. They were leaders in the church. Many times I felt like I had to make an appointment to see my parents. Now that I am older, I can really appreciate my parents. I know that they did all they knew how to help me. Now when I talk to them about that time in my life they tell me that they were unsure of how to react to my new behaviors and attitudes and so many times they let things slide, but that actually allowed me to keep acting out. And I continued to act out.
With my new friends things were different. We would have fun for hours just hanging out and doing absolutely nothing. I didnt feel like I had to be someone else around them. For a few months we were heavily using pot and we started trying LSD, Mushrooms, and coke a couple of times. I never thought much of using any of this. We werent really causing much trouble and we were having fun.
When I graduated, I tried going to a community college. I registered for four classes but I probably only went four times. Instead of attending class I would meet up with my friends and get high. I flunked that semester. However, I thought I would try again the next semester, but eventually withdrew. I didnt want to go to school. I just wanted to work and make money and hang out with my friends.
That year I had six jobs. I couldnt keep any of them because I would wake up in the morning and get high and then sleep some more. Things only went downhill from there. On a regular basis I was using marijuana, LSD, mushrooms then I added coke. It also became a daily habit. If I could remember what my days were like back then, I would, but I cant honestly remember. The drugs really ruined a lot of my memories. Something that really upsets me now. To the best of my knowledge I was getting high in the morning, around lunch, and then going out at night when I would drink and get high another time. There werent many minutes in the day when I wasnt drinking or using some drug. I had to be high all the time.
After using coke for a year I decided to switch to crystal meth. I would get wired on meth and then use sleeping pills or smoke weed to come down off the high. I went through the same pattern with crystal meth as with coke- using it consistently through out the days. Then one New Years night a friend asked me if I had ever tried heroin. I had actually tried heroin before, but only sniffing it. He offered to let me try shooting it. So I tried it, why not? I wasnt all that impressed. I stayed in the bathroom for a long time throwing up. I waited a couple of weeks before I tried it again, and when I did try it I got the same reaction- I was so sick. But I still wanted to try it again the next week. After that I started using it on the weekends, then a couple times a week and then every day, all day.
I still got sick almost every time, but I was used to that feeling from all the drinking. Most of my friends had no idea that I was using this much. The friends that knew just wrote it off as a phase. My parents and family surely didnt know about it. I would try and stay away from them as much as possible but when I did have to see them, I would wear long sleeves to cover up my track marks. I knew what I had to do to hide it.
There were many times when I was close to dying. I put myself in situations that I should have never been in, but never usually thought twice about it. There were many times that I could have overdosed or been shot for trying to get the drugs. I tried anything. I didnt feel like I had much to lose. I was just in it for a good time. Now when I look back I dont really think I was having a good time, I think that it was just my messed up reality making me think it was fun.
The only time I really ever slept was when I passed out. I hardly ever ate. I drank a lot of hot tea, which is a terrible feeling when it you throw up. On the rare occasions that I would go out to a bar, I would get high on heroin before I went out. I would not drink while I was out because my stomach would already hurt from the heroin. All I could think of was going home and getting high again. There were many times that I woke up from the cigarette burning my fingers. I am amazed that nothing huge ever caught on fire.
I liked to shock people. That is how people knew me. At one party I did a shot of heroin that was the size of what I usually used in a day. I spent all night in the bathroom between passing out and throwing up. I sold my mountain bike, cds, my familys trampoline just to get money to buy heroin.
I have overdosed at my friends houses. They had to hit me and throw water in my face to revive me, but surprisingly I was never rushed to the emergency room. Possibly that is because my friends were being neglectful, but all of us thought we were invincible. We would always be fine and eventually wake up.
I was so sick all the time. I woke up one morning and couldnt get the needle in my arm fast enough so I threw up. I was so sick of doing this all the time. I went home and for some reason my dad asked me if I was still using drugs. I admitted it. After I told him that I was using heroin he asked me if I wanted to quit. I did. He immediately got on the phone with a rehab center, where he took me a few minutes later. That was one of the most amazing things my family has ever done for me. They did not judge they just asked what they could do to help me. I didnt last long at the rehab center. I couldnt take it. They had me confined in a small room which was agonizing. I was all alone. No one had talked to me in hours. The room was horrible. The bed was covered in plastic and all I could hear was the constant crinkling of the plastic- a terrible sound for someone going through withdrawal. I couldnt sleep. It was horrible, so I broke out of the room. I dont exactly know how I got out of the room, but I know I got out. I called my dad and told him that I couldnt do this. He came and picked me up and agreed to let me detox at home. On the condition that if I relapsed, he was going to have me locked up.
am a recovering heroin addict, but I am different from most heroin addicts because I am still alive and am still clean after 3 years. Heroin wasnt my first drug. Like so many other heroin addicts, I started with other drugs. In 7th grade I started occasionally smoking cigarettes, marijuana and drinking beer. I really started using with I was 17.
It was my junior year of high school and I just wanted to feel like I belonged, so I started hanging out with a different crowd of friends. When I was with them I felt like I was a part of something - like I finally belonged to a group. In elementary school, I felt like I had a place to belong, but 7th grade was a wake up call for me. I changed schools and I was no longer in the "cool crowd. Until I became friends with this new group of people I never really felt like I had a specific place where people wanted me.
I even struggled with my parents wanting me. They were leaders in the church. Many times I felt like I had to make an appointment to see my parents. Now that I am older, I can really appreciate my parents. I know that they did all they knew how to help me. Now when I talk to them about that time in my life they tell me that they were unsure of how to react to my new behaviors and attitudes and so many times they let things slide, but that actually allowed me to keep acting out. And I continued to act out.
With my new friends things were different. We would have fun for hours just hanging out and doing absolutely nothing. I didnt feel like I had to be someone else around them. For a few months we were heavily using pot and we started trying LSD, Mushrooms, and coke a couple of times. I never thought much of using any of this. We werent really causing much trouble and we were having fun.
When I graduated, I tried going to a community college. I registered for four classes but I probably only went four times. Instead of attending class I would meet up with my friends and get high. I flunked that semester. However, I thought I would try again the next semester, but eventually withdrew. I didnt want to go to school. I just wanted to work and make money and hang out with my friends.
That year I had six jobs. I couldnt keep any of them because I would wake up in the morning and get high and then sleep some more. Things only went downhill from there. On a regular basis I was using marijuana, LSD, mushrooms then I added coke. It also became a daily habit. If I could remember what my days were like back then, I would, but I cant honestly remember. The drugs really ruined a lot of my memories. Something that really upsets me now. To the best of my knowledge I was getting high in the morning, around lunch, and then going out at night when I would drink and get high another time. There werent many minutes in the day when I wasnt drinking or using some drug. I had to be high all the time.
After using coke for a year I decided to switch to crystal meth. I would get wired on meth and then use sleeping pills or smoke weed to come down off the high. I went through the same pattern with crystal meth as with coke- using it consistently through out the days. Then one New Years night a friend asked me if I had ever tried heroin. I had actually tried heroin before, but only sniffing it. He offered to let me try shooting it. So I tried it, why not? I wasnt all that impressed. I stayed in the bathroom for a long time throwing up. I waited a couple of weeks before I tried it again, and when I did try it I got the same reaction- I was so sick. But I still wanted to try it again the next week. After that I started using it on the weekends, then a couple times a week and then every day, all day.
I still got sick almost every time, but I was used to that feeling from all the drinking. Most of my friends had no idea that I was using this much. The friends that knew just wrote it off as a phase. My parents and family surely didnt know about it. I would try and stay away from them as much as possible but when I did have to see them, I would wear long sleeves to cover up my track marks. I knew what I had to do to hide it.
There were many times when I was close to dying. I put myself in situations that I should have never been in, but never usually thought twice about it. There were many times that I could have overdosed or been shot for trying to get the drugs. I tried anything. I didnt feel like I had much to lose. I was just in it for a good time. Now when I look back I dont really think I was having a good time, I think that it was just my messed up reality making me think it was fun.
The only time I really ever slept was when I passed out. I hardly ever ate. I drank a lot of hot tea, which is a terrible feeling when it you throw up. On the rare occasions that I would go out to a bar, I would get high on heroin before I went out. I would not drink while I was out because my stomach would already hurt from the heroin. All I could think of was going home and getting high again. There were many times that I woke up from the cigarette burning my fingers. I am amazed that nothing huge ever caught on fire.
I liked to shock people. That is how people knew me. At one party I did a shot of heroin that was the size of what I usually used in a day. I spent all night in the bathroom between passing out and throwing up. I sold my mountain bike, cds, my familys trampoline just to get money to buy heroin.
I have overdosed at my friends houses. They had to hit me and throw water in my face to revive me, but surprisingly I was never rushed to the emergency room. Possibly that is because my friends were being neglectful, but all of us thought we were invincible. We would always be fine and eventually wake up.
I was so sick all the time. I woke up one morning and couldnt get the needle in my arm fast enough so I threw up. I was so sick of doing this all the time. I went home and for some reason my dad asked me if I was still using drugs. I admitted it. After I told him that I was using heroin he asked me if I wanted to quit. I did. He immediately got on the phone with a rehab center, where he took me a few minutes later. That was one of the most amazing things my family has ever done for me. They did not judge they just asked what they could do to help me. I didnt last long at the rehab center. I couldnt take it. They had me confined in a small room which was agonizing. I was all alone. No one had talked to me in hours. The room was horrible. The bed was covered in plastic and all I could hear was the constant crinkling of the plastic- a terrible sound for someone going through withdrawal. I couldnt sleep. It was horrible, so I broke out of the room. I dont exactly know how I got out of the room, but I know I got out. I called my dad and told him that I couldnt do this. He came and picked me up and agreed to let me detox at home. On the condition that if I relapsed, he was going to have me locked up.
cont...
I never really slept for that week of detoxing. I would lay in bed at night thinking about heroin, but I knew I didnt want to do it, so amazingly I didnt. I would go to rehab classes/counseling in the mornings and then to work. I would come home in the evenings and then lay in bed another night when I couldnt sleep.
By the end of the first week I was going nuts. I called my dealer (who was actually trying to quit himself) and asked for anything. I would have taken heroin, sleeping pills or muscle relaxer just so I could sleep. I just wanted to sleep. He didnt want to give me anything but he said I could have a small piece of heroin. I lied to my parents so I could go out to his house. After picking up the heroin I went to a gas station by my parents house. I bought a soda and used the can to cook up a shot of heroin in the bathroom. I tried to stick the needle in my arm. It would not go into my vein. I took it out and pushed out a little of the heroin to make sure the needle was flowing and then stuck it back in but again nothing happened. I tried to get the heroin in my system repeatedly but never once did I get even a small drop in my veins. I was so mad. "Ok God. You win. I give up." I went home and suffered some more. I went to AA meetings, group counseling, one on one counseling and classes at rehab for about a month. Much to my surprise it was an amazing learning experience. One part of rehab was family day. With my family there I told them about what I had been doing. It made my mom cry. I hated that.
After rehab I was clean of drugs and alcohol for a few months. Then I started drinking. I wasnt using drugs, but I was drinking like it was going out of style. I lived about less than a mile from a popular bar and so most nights I was up there drinking until I couldnt see straight. I would cover up one eye on the way home to help me see straight. I am amazed that I never wrecked my car. Or that anything worse happened. After months of intense drinking, I got a DWI. Ironically, this was one of my most sober times. I still blew double the legal limit. I got a good deal at court. A small fine, no jail time and just had to complete SATOP, which are DWI classes. The judge told me that since I was getting such a good deal that if he ever saw me in there again I would go straight to jail for a year. My license was suspended for a year. I was ordered to attend SATOP, AA meetings twice a week and one-on-one counseling once a week. However, that did not stop me from drinking. I still drank and drove all the time. I was a good liar. I learned how to cover up everything to my counselor, in addition to everyone else.
On top of my massive drinking problem I started using large amounts of Ecstasy on a regular basis. It went right along with that lifestyle. Long nights of craziness, but long days of depression if I was sober. It was great to be on Ecstasy but coming down was awful. I felt so low I never wanted to get out of bed. Everything in my life was terrible unless I was too wasted to really know what was going on.
My friends told me later that I was like a dirty drunken old man. I was crazy. I would drink and take ecstasy until I would pass, get sick or both. One night before a date I went to a friends house got drunk and used a large amount of ecstasy. I was sick all night in her bathroom. I kept telling her I drank too much. I dont know if she believed me because I have not talked to her since. I kept up this insane pace for a couple months. One day a friend called and asked if I was feeling okay. All of us had been experiencing some of the same symptoms from the ecstasy, but now it had started happening while we were sober. The feelings are very hard to explain but it was like a rush of water in your head. We would be dizzy and light headed. Sometimes these symptoms happened as often as every five minutes. We were scared, so we only did ecstasy only a couple of times after that.
We were also using Mushrooms. We would make mushroom tea and sit around for hours - sometimes days. I dont have a lot of information about what happened. My memory has been so messed up by drugs. I do remember sitting around with one of my friends and talking. It was now morning and we had been tripping all night. We drank some more mushroom tea so we could last a couple more hours. Our conversation drifted towards us wasting our lives. I got so depressed that I went to the bathroom and threw up. I sat there on the floor, amidst trash and toilet paper, and zoned out. While I waited for the next wave of hallucinations, I pondered my life and looked at death as an alternative. Thinking of death was not unusual , I was never happy. I found no joy. I just existed until my next drug induced experience. When I look back I dont even remember if I was having fun.
I never really slept for that week of detoxing. I would lay in bed at night thinking about heroin, but I knew I didnt want to do it, so amazingly I didnt. I would go to rehab classes/counseling in the mornings and then to work. I would come home in the evenings and then lay in bed another night when I couldnt sleep.
By the end of the first week I was going nuts. I called my dealer (who was actually trying to quit himself) and asked for anything. I would have taken heroin, sleeping pills or muscle relaxer just so I could sleep. I just wanted to sleep. He didnt want to give me anything but he said I could have a small piece of heroin. I lied to my parents so I could go out to his house. After picking up the heroin I went to a gas station by my parents house. I bought a soda and used the can to cook up a shot of heroin in the bathroom. I tried to stick the needle in my arm. It would not go into my vein. I took it out and pushed out a little of the heroin to make sure the needle was flowing and then stuck it back in but again nothing happened. I tried to get the heroin in my system repeatedly but never once did I get even a small drop in my veins. I was so mad. "Ok God. You win. I give up." I went home and suffered some more. I went to AA meetings, group counseling, one on one counseling and classes at rehab for about a month. Much to my surprise it was an amazing learning experience. One part of rehab was family day. With my family there I told them about what I had been doing. It made my mom cry. I hated that.
After rehab I was clean of drugs and alcohol for a few months. Then I started drinking. I wasnt using drugs, but I was drinking like it was going out of style. I lived about less than a mile from a popular bar and so most nights I was up there drinking until I couldnt see straight. I would cover up one eye on the way home to help me see straight. I am amazed that I never wrecked my car. Or that anything worse happened. After months of intense drinking, I got a DWI. Ironically, this was one of my most sober times. I still blew double the legal limit. I got a good deal at court. A small fine, no jail time and just had to complete SATOP, which are DWI classes. The judge told me that since I was getting such a good deal that if he ever saw me in there again I would go straight to jail for a year. My license was suspended for a year. I was ordered to attend SATOP, AA meetings twice a week and one-on-one counseling once a week. However, that did not stop me from drinking. I still drank and drove all the time. I was a good liar. I learned how to cover up everything to my counselor, in addition to everyone else.
On top of my massive drinking problem I started using large amounts of Ecstasy on a regular basis. It went right along with that lifestyle. Long nights of craziness, but long days of depression if I was sober. It was great to be on Ecstasy but coming down was awful. I felt so low I never wanted to get out of bed. Everything in my life was terrible unless I was too wasted to really know what was going on.
My friends told me later that I was like a dirty drunken old man. I was crazy. I would drink and take ecstasy until I would pass, get sick or both. One night before a date I went to a friends house got drunk and used a large amount of ecstasy. I was sick all night in her bathroom. I kept telling her I drank too much. I dont know if she believed me because I have not talked to her since. I kept up this insane pace for a couple months. One day a friend called and asked if I was feeling okay. All of us had been experiencing some of the same symptoms from the ecstasy, but now it had started happening while we were sober. The feelings are very hard to explain but it was like a rush of water in your head. We would be dizzy and light headed. Sometimes these symptoms happened as often as every five minutes. We were scared, so we only did ecstasy only a couple of times after that.
We were also using Mushrooms. We would make mushroom tea and sit around for hours - sometimes days. I dont have a lot of information about what happened. My memory has been so messed up by drugs. I do remember sitting around with one of my friends and talking. It was now morning and we had been tripping all night. We drank some more mushroom tea so we could last a couple more hours. Our conversation drifted towards us wasting our lives. I got so depressed that I went to the bathroom and threw up. I sat there on the floor, amidst trash and toilet paper, and zoned out. While I waited for the next wave of hallucinations, I pondered my life and looked at death as an alternative. Thinking of death was not unusual , I was never happy. I found no joy. I just existed until my next drug induced experience. When I look back I dont even remember if I was having fun.
cont...
In addition to all the other drugs we were also using DMT. It is a hallucinogenic that gives a similar feeling to peaking on LSD, it last for about an hour and then you feel a little fuzzy. We would use it in addition to our drinking escapades for an additional high. Instead of using a pipe, we would smoke joints of marijuana with DMT sprinkled on top. When you exhale, your vision immediately gets a kaleidoscope effect and your body feels warm and tingly, almost a liquid feeling. DMT made us do some odd things: friends howling at the moon or acting like monkeys.
If I was depressed or even just bored, I would do drugs by myself. I would try anything- even crushing up sleeping pills to inject. I was so unhappy with life that I would do anything to escape from reality. Recently, I heard a disturbing story about myself. As we were sitting around one night, I apparently got really freaked out because I wanted to snort something. No one had any drugs, so I crushed up Tylenol PM just so I could snort something. I have no memory of this at all, but it makes me sad that that is how I lived my life one drug to another.
I would like to be able to discuss my state of mind throughout these years. From the beginning I always just wanted to belong to something. I wanted a purpose for my life. I desired to feel wanted. When I was experimenting in the 7th grade it was to look cool. . When I started using it was to not only look cool, but numb myself. I was aiming for shock value. I wanted to set records in my drug use.
I was brought up to believe that drugs were wrong. My family is very involved in church, so on the occasions I had to go to church, I would usually show up on some drug. It didnt matter if anyone knew I was on drugs, I was making a point. I felt like if I was not going to be what everyone wanted, I was going to be the exact opposite. You cant let anyone down if they dont expect anything from you.
I was so depressed. I honestly hated myself. Everything I did was to numb the pain. I felt like I was a disappointment to everyone that knew me. All my teachers always said I had so much potential. I hated hearing that. To me that meant I was a disappointment. I would find my confidence in making a name for myself as a crazy guy. When people talked about me it would be, did you see what Adam did last night? I cant believe he it was always something. My dad always told me that I could bring fame or shame to our family. I didnt think I could do anything that would bring fame, so I might as well be famous for the shame.
I have been in so many situations where I should not have made it out alive. But for some reason I am here and I thank God for that. I know that my parents had many long sleepless nights worrying about me. They constantly were praying for me. Praying that I would be constantly sick so that I would not want to do it anymore. And it worked.
At some point I finally stopped doing all these things. I was drinking myself to death, taking pills and smoking crack, but God put people in my life to show me a way out. My parents and family have always been a constant support in my life. Their love, support and prayers is why I am here today. I also thank my ex-girlfriend from high school. She came back into my life after my worst drug use, but right before my worst depression. She stuck by me. Showed me love that I didnt think existed. She helped me in spite of my mean and hurtful attitude towards her. I have done so many things to her, she should have walked away and never looked back. But she didnt. Not only didnt she leave, but she held my hand when I needed it most. She let me cry on her shoulder. Even though we had our problems, she was still a huge support system for me. I will never forget that.
She also introduced me to a woman that would bring me to the light of Jesus Christ. I had been sober for about a year and going out of my mind from boredom and depression. My life was falling apart. I had no real job, no real education, and my best friend had just died. Danielle lived in Wisconsin and had just come in town for a week. We hung out that week but on her first night back to Madison, she died. We had a wonderful week together, I will cherish every moment I have ever had with her. Her parents asked that I do part of the eulogy. That was one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. It went well and I know that she would have been proud. After she died I started going crazy with the "Why am I here" questions. I know that if Danielle had died a year or two before I would have killed myself. I decided to try and do something good with my life for her. She always wanted me to be happy. So now I am going back to school. I am volunteering to talk to kids so they don't have to go through what I did. I am trying to repair relationships with my family and friends. I have to rebuild all of my relationships on trust instead of all the lies. Starting over is a long process and I not only have to start over but in some cases I have to dig myself up to ground zero to begin that process. Nothing is easy, but I see now that nothing was worth all the pain and suffering that my family and friends experienced.
In addition to all the other drugs we were also using DMT. It is a hallucinogenic that gives a similar feeling to peaking on LSD, it last for about an hour and then you feel a little fuzzy. We would use it in addition to our drinking escapades for an additional high. Instead of using a pipe, we would smoke joints of marijuana with DMT sprinkled on top. When you exhale, your vision immediately gets a kaleidoscope effect and your body feels warm and tingly, almost a liquid feeling. DMT made us do some odd things: friends howling at the moon or acting like monkeys.
If I was depressed or even just bored, I would do drugs by myself. I would try anything- even crushing up sleeping pills to inject. I was so unhappy with life that I would do anything to escape from reality. Recently, I heard a disturbing story about myself. As we were sitting around one night, I apparently got really freaked out because I wanted to snort something. No one had any drugs, so I crushed up Tylenol PM just so I could snort something. I have no memory of this at all, but it makes me sad that that is how I lived my life one drug to another.
I would like to be able to discuss my state of mind throughout these years. From the beginning I always just wanted to belong to something. I wanted a purpose for my life. I desired to feel wanted. When I was experimenting in the 7th grade it was to look cool. . When I started using it was to not only look cool, but numb myself. I was aiming for shock value. I wanted to set records in my drug use.
I was brought up to believe that drugs were wrong. My family is very involved in church, so on the occasions I had to go to church, I would usually show up on some drug. It didnt matter if anyone knew I was on drugs, I was making a point. I felt like if I was not going to be what everyone wanted, I was going to be the exact opposite. You cant let anyone down if they dont expect anything from you.
I was so depressed. I honestly hated myself. Everything I did was to numb the pain. I felt like I was a disappointment to everyone that knew me. All my teachers always said I had so much potential. I hated hearing that. To me that meant I was a disappointment. I would find my confidence in making a name for myself as a crazy guy. When people talked about me it would be, did you see what Adam did last night? I cant believe he it was always something. My dad always told me that I could bring fame or shame to our family. I didnt think I could do anything that would bring fame, so I might as well be famous for the shame.
I have been in so many situations where I should not have made it out alive. But for some reason I am here and I thank God for that. I know that my parents had many long sleepless nights worrying about me. They constantly were praying for me. Praying that I would be constantly sick so that I would not want to do it anymore. And it worked.
At some point I finally stopped doing all these things. I was drinking myself to death, taking pills and smoking crack, but God put people in my life to show me a way out. My parents and family have always been a constant support in my life. Their love, support and prayers is why I am here today. I also thank my ex-girlfriend from high school. She came back into my life after my worst drug use, but right before my worst depression. She stuck by me. Showed me love that I didnt think existed. She helped me in spite of my mean and hurtful attitude towards her. I have done so many things to her, she should have walked away and never looked back. But she didnt. Not only didnt she leave, but she held my hand when I needed it most. She let me cry on her shoulder. Even though we had our problems, she was still a huge support system for me. I will never forget that.
She also introduced me to a woman that would bring me to the light of Jesus Christ. I had been sober for about a year and going out of my mind from boredom and depression. My life was falling apart. I had no real job, no real education, and my best friend had just died. Danielle lived in Wisconsin and had just come in town for a week. We hung out that week but on her first night back to Madison, she died. We had a wonderful week together, I will cherish every moment I have ever had with her. Her parents asked that I do part of the eulogy. That was one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. It went well and I know that she would have been proud. After she died I started going crazy with the "Why am I here" questions. I know that if Danielle had died a year or two before I would have killed myself. I decided to try and do something good with my life for her. She always wanted me to be happy. So now I am going back to school. I am volunteering to talk to kids so they don't have to go through what I did. I am trying to repair relationships with my family and friends. I have to rebuild all of my relationships on trust instead of all the lies. Starting over is a long process and I not only have to start over but in some cases I have to dig myself up to ground zero to begin that process. Nothing is easy, but I see now that nothing was worth all the pain and suffering that my family and friends experienced.
Adam,
Wow, what a powerful story, thankyou for that. I kept mine short, but I gotta tell ya' I can relate alot. I've used alot of the drugs you mentioned and have put myself in alot of the same dangerous situations. herion, I never shot it but snifed it on alot of occassions. Looking back on it I've always done very high amounts of drugs and never got sick. I remember the first time I did heroin, the guy told me I'd probably get sick the first time, I never did. Meth was a big one, I loved that s--t. I even loved the burn. Anyway, thankyou for your story, and honesty. I'm sure your friend is proud of you, and God bless you for speaking to kids, thats so important in this day and age to bring that awareness to them.
Take care........God bless........I'm glad we crossed paths......................Bob
Wow, what a powerful story, thankyou for that. I kept mine short, but I gotta tell ya' I can relate alot. I've used alot of the drugs you mentioned and have put myself in alot of the same dangerous situations. herion, I never shot it but snifed it on alot of occassions. Looking back on it I've always done very high amounts of drugs and never got sick. I remember the first time I did heroin, the guy told me I'd probably get sick the first time, I never did. Meth was a big one, I loved that s--t. I even loved the burn. Anyway, thankyou for your story, and honesty. I'm sure your friend is proud of you, and God bless you for speaking to kids, thats so important in this day and age to bring that awareness to them.
Take care........God bless........I'm glad we crossed paths......................Bob
