Man, when you guys kept saying I could make it through the wds and they are hard but the mental crap is even harder. Ill be honest, I didnt believe you. I thought, maybe thats the case for them.. but these wds are the worst.. didnt know if I could make it. This morning I woke up feeling not so mad.. not so achy, felt like today is a great one. Started getting ready an all.. now a few hrs later this mental crap is really kickin in. I cant stop thinkin about taking one.. or two or however many. I even told myself since I have gone without if I did I would feel really good.. like in the beginning. I know I couldnt take just one.. or two.. Id be right back to 20+. PLUS last night I talked to my neighbor, she had surgery and they gave her a bottle of percs.. she said she doesnt need them.. even asked if I knew if anyone would want to buy them! I was proud of myself last night because I really didnt have much of an urge to say yes. This morning tho its driving me crazy.. just knowing theres a place I can get them. I am OBSESSING on it! This crazy! Worst part is Angel (my baby) is sick today so I am home all day with her. My neighbor leaves the door unlocked, told me to go on in so I could do laundry (dryer is broke.. been using hers) anyway.. thats like a time bomb waiting to go off .. I want so badly to go get me a really good high! I have a counseling appt at noon.. if I can just make it til then! I dont know why I thought the wds would be the worst.. thought if I can make it through this theres no way I would want anymore.. dont wanna ever go through that hell again.. now I find myself saying.. I would just taper next time so it wasnt so bad .. or I wont take as many.. Ill just take them every once in awhile! What is wrong with me!
I tried so hard to hide my adciction from the world. Now Im finding these pills are everywhere I look.. they are all round me.. just begging me. I have to go for a bit.. take my son to school. Ill be back tho .. Im not leaving this site today until my appointment. Really fugged up part is I actually really need to do my laundry.. if I did tho.. I know I couldnt go over there.. with nobody there and that bottle ..somewhere.. I know I could find it.. know I would look.
it called ADDICTION... that is whats wrong with you... that is how it manifests itself... we have all went through it... that is why you were warned in the beginning.. and just for the record.. i though the very same thing...'oh God why would i ever think of takine another pill .. they make me sooo sick..'.. well guess what? our memories are short and our addiction is patient...
you have to get the tools to deal with this ...you cant always control the triggers ..like going to a bar or to the part of time you bought from you can control them ...but your neighbor thing.. that you cant control... so you have to prepare for that.. the good thing is that you said no...but it did sit on your brain and give you an obsession and a reservation... you havent had the resourses in place to cope with that..
now.. coming here is good... and going to your counselor is great.. tell her/him just what is going on.. how you feel.. they will be able to help....
I know this doesnt help much but what i would suggest if make a list.. of the reasons you wanted to quit.. how bad it was... and then make a gratetude list... if anyone around you knows of your addiction call them share with them... f2f really helps. I cant impress that on people enough...
no matter what just dont use....
just my thoughts .. good luck
teresa
you have to get the tools to deal with this ...you cant always control the triggers ..like going to a bar or to the part of time you bought from you can control them ...but your neighbor thing.. that you cant control... so you have to prepare for that.. the good thing is that you said no...but it did sit on your brain and give you an obsession and a reservation... you havent had the resourses in place to cope with that..
now.. coming here is good... and going to your counselor is great.. tell her/him just what is going on.. how you feel.. they will be able to help....
I know this doesnt help much but what i would suggest if make a list.. of the reasons you wanted to quit.. how bad it was... and then make a gratetude list... if anyone around you knows of your addiction call them share with them... f2f really helps. I cant impress that on people enough...
no matter what just dont use....
just my thoughts .. good luck
teresa
Nothing is wrong with you except that you have an addiction. The cravings are the disease at work, like a fever if you have the flu or a cough if you have a coldit is a symptom. So are the lies we tell ourselves. I can handle it now Ill just take a few this time We know better. We know that we cannot control our use, that is what makes us addicts.
So hold out till that noon appointment. A few more hours. Think how good you will feel. And think back t the withdrawals. The restlessness, anxiety, pain, fatigue, cramps diarrheado you really want to go through that again. Do you really want to throw away all of the hard work and your amazing accomplishment for a quick high, the end result of which would be your needing to quit again, go through withdrawals again, all the while feeling worse about the relapse. I know, because I have done it. I quit a few times for a week, two weeks, then started again, with the same rationalizations as you pasted: Ill feel it now because I am clean. I know how to control it now. Ill only do it when I am working. Of course, that never worked and I ended up back at 15 pills per day
SO what is the answer? Heck, I wish I knew. But for me, I simply make sure that I do not take a pill right now. I will absolutely not allow myself to take a pill this minute. So far, with the help of the folks here, I have been clean 51 days.
So hold out till that noon appointment. A few more hours. Think how good you will feel. And think back t the withdrawals. The restlessness, anxiety, pain, fatigue, cramps diarrheado you really want to go through that again. Do you really want to throw away all of the hard work and your amazing accomplishment for a quick high, the end result of which would be your needing to quit again, go through withdrawals again, all the while feeling worse about the relapse. I know, because I have done it. I quit a few times for a week, two weeks, then started again, with the same rationalizations as you pasted: Ill feel it now because I am clean. I know how to control it now. Ill only do it when I am working. Of course, that never worked and I ended up back at 15 pills per day
SO what is the answer? Heck, I wish I knew. But for me, I simply make sure that I do not take a pill right now. I will absolutely not allow myself to take a pill this minute. So far, with the help of the folks here, I have been clean 51 days.
singlemom,
your way of thinking i so normal. just keep talking to us. taking pills solves nothing. ride it out. i know you can make it till noon. you are doing so well. its all still so fresh. once you get into see your councelor you will feel so much better. i'll be here for you untill then. just dont act on your thoughts. that is your addiction talking. you have the power to take those thoughts and put them in there place. you are a strong woman. hang in there and keep talking to us untill your appointment. i know yuo will feel somewhat better after your appointment and gain a new percpective.
terrianne
your way of thinking i so normal. just keep talking to us. taking pills solves nothing. ride it out. i know you can make it till noon. you are doing so well. its all still so fresh. once you get into see your councelor you will feel so much better. i'll be here for you untill then. just dont act on your thoughts. that is your addiction talking. you have the power to take those thoughts and put them in there place. you are a strong woman. hang in there and keep talking to us untill your appointment. i know yuo will feel somewhat better after your appointment and gain a new percpective.
terrianne
just read your second post.... then DONT GO OVER THERE...
and i am going to say this and you wont want to here this either... but hiding your addiction from the world isnt always a good idea... (in fact i never recommend it..) but in an attempt to be kinder and gentler self... i will say isnt always... my point is this.. if your neighbor knew of your struggle... and i take it she is your friend and trusts you or she wouldnt be letting you into her house... so maybe you could share that with her... and just tell her .. and the next time she wont put you in that situation and she just might be someone yuou can turn to really close for extra support.. and who knows maybe she knows someone with a simular problem or has had that issue herself...
I know you wont want to hear that .. but give it some thought.. it takes a lot of courage but the benifits are tremendous... and i know it is hard to take that leap of faith...
just my thoughts again...
teresa
and i am going to say this and you wont want to here this either... but hiding your addiction from the world isnt always a good idea... (in fact i never recommend it..) but in an attempt to be kinder and gentler self... i will say isnt always... my point is this.. if your neighbor knew of your struggle... and i take it she is your friend and trusts you or she wouldnt be letting you into her house... so maybe you could share that with her... and just tell her .. and the next time she wont put you in that situation and she just might be someone yuou can turn to really close for extra support.. and who knows maybe she knows someone with a simular problem or has had that issue herself...
I know you wont want to hear that .. but give it some thought.. it takes a lot of courage but the benifits are tremendous... and i know it is hard to take that leap of faith...
just my thoughts again...
teresa
Singlemom,
Teresa is right it is called addiction. Everyone on this site is in the same boat. Yeah, some use and some quit but we all have the disease. It doesn't just go away. Some people are able to take a pill or 2 on a saturday night get high and have fun. Then there are others like us that want/need to use because our brain is fuc*king with us. I hate this sh*t.
I believe some need rehab, out-patient therapy,sponsers, meeting and bla bla bla. Then on the other hand you have got to be sick and tired of being sick and tired and do something about it yourself. You can sit around and think about it til it drives you to the carzy house or you can stay focused and determined to change... No ,matter how hard I have tried to stay clean I always relapse probably because I have used no other tools to help me, especially when I was sick and tired of using and that is a big mistake on my part,
I have gone 9 months on one occassion, a year on another occassion and 8 months not too long ago and always seems to think I can just take 1. It won't be an addiction again. I can handle it, this time will be different. I can justify and make excuses all I want but the bottom line I am an addict, cut and dry and I need help to cope.
Best of luck to you. I am on Day 8 and feeling just ok, I can't promise I won't use tomorrow or day for that matter.. one day at a time is all we can hope for. Hang in there! Rae
Teresa is right it is called addiction. Everyone on this site is in the same boat. Yeah, some use and some quit but we all have the disease. It doesn't just go away. Some people are able to take a pill or 2 on a saturday night get high and have fun. Then there are others like us that want/need to use because our brain is fuc*king with us. I hate this sh*t.
I believe some need rehab, out-patient therapy,sponsers, meeting and bla bla bla. Then on the other hand you have got to be sick and tired of being sick and tired and do something about it yourself. You can sit around and think about it til it drives you to the carzy house or you can stay focused and determined to change... No ,matter how hard I have tried to stay clean I always relapse probably because I have used no other tools to help me, especially when I was sick and tired of using and that is a big mistake on my part,
I have gone 9 months on one occassion, a year on another occassion and 8 months not too long ago and always seems to think I can just take 1. It won't be an addiction again. I can handle it, this time will be different. I can justify and make excuses all I want but the bottom line I am an addict, cut and dry and I need help to cope.
Best of luck to you. I am on Day 8 and feeling just ok, I can't promise I won't use tomorrow or day for that matter.. one day at a time is all we can hope for. Hang in there! Rae
Thanks again .. you guys just dont know how much you are helping me. Just to let you know tho .. I didnt trust myself at all.. the want was really getting to me so heres what I did. I took my son to school .. drove around aimlessly. Stopped at the store and spent money like I was rich or something .. I just splurged! Im kinda mad that I did that cause I am by no means rich (single, three kids.. no child support) but I kept busy and decided to not go back home. I spent $300.00 on crap .. yeah crap. Got toys for my kids and make up .. (the cutest shoes tho!! ... that I have nothing to wear with) .. anyway, I wasted time til my first therapy session. I went and he is really great. Name is Steve. We talked alot about Anthony (my abuser) and about addiction. He specializes in addiction but also does play-therapy as well for children. I dont know why but at first I didnt tell him about the delima with my neighbor.. we talked alot about my wds and since I am still in wd technically he wants me to go to my pcp too. ANYWAY.. I finally told him about the opportunity I have right now to use. He suggested to either go somewhere else until she is home or if I could go home, first thing lock her door so for one I dont have the invitation anymore and two her house is safe from intruders blah blah .. so I did. I locked it. I feel alot better but its still buggin me that they are there. I am also going to tell her. Uhg ... that will be hard. I know I should voice it so I have a bigger support unit around me but its still shamefull ya know. I dont know if you guys experience the shame, seems you all are alot more excepting that its a illness.. alot stronger.. & more knowledgable than I. I also go back to see him on Tues. Hopefully the more sessions I go to the more I can be like ya'all .. more excepting that its an illness than I cannot alone deal with. I do need help right now. I dunno, I am just kinda confused still.. how I could be normal one day then have some illness like this. I remember along time ago taking a vic and I dont remember caring much about it. Dont even remember getting high. Oh well.. I need to stop analizing everything and just accept things for what they are huh? This is kinda the awaking part eh? where you just wake up and start to realize it all. Just this past weekend I was hurting too much to care about why, when, and how.. now all I have is questions and fears. At least the door is locked. Know what else is funny? I have a few still left that I couldnt toss in my shed, those arent even on my mind, maybe cause theres only 3 .. not enouph to do anything but dang.. that whole bottle .. that was killing me! If Id of got my hands on those .. I would have added my 3 to it... not stopped til it was gone. Started all over again. Im relieved on one hand.. but the on the other .. Im,... I dont know.. still wanting them I guess.
Single I hope you keep hloding out.Im on 30+days & I think about it all the time.Thats why I try to stary busy.If Im busy I dont think about them as much.To me its like saying goodbye to an old lover.But I know I MUST do this & I hope you can keep from being pulled back.Anways Im around if you want to talk...mj
single.
i read your post and yes I felt shame and fear and all that... we all do or did... I dont really anymore cause I am doing something about it... and with time you will come to feel that way too.. this I promise you... and once you tell one person and they tell you 'hey, I have heard of that happening, it could easily happen... just get better. How can I help?" and they look at you with caring compassionate eyes as you have tears welling in yours ... you will feel more empowerment to continue on your road than you had before and you will find yourself maybe wanting to educate others on just how it can happen but... that comes with time and practice and that journey takes small steps put together in the forward pattern...
You will have good days where you dont feel like hiding and then you will have days when you just feel so damn defeated that you dont think you can do anything.. those are the days when you need your friends f2f and online the most.. getting clean isnt just getting clean and fighting the cravings it is learning to deal with life and cleaning up our past... one thing at a time though
you are doing great with your counselor.. just always be honest with him and dont hold back... that is the only way it will work...
God bless
teresa
i read your post and yes I felt shame and fear and all that... we all do or did... I dont really anymore cause I am doing something about it... and with time you will come to feel that way too.. this I promise you... and once you tell one person and they tell you 'hey, I have heard of that happening, it could easily happen... just get better. How can I help?" and they look at you with caring compassionate eyes as you have tears welling in yours ... you will feel more empowerment to continue on your road than you had before and you will find yourself maybe wanting to educate others on just how it can happen but... that comes with time and practice and that journey takes small steps put together in the forward pattern...
You will have good days where you dont feel like hiding and then you will have days when you just feel so damn defeated that you dont think you can do anything.. those are the days when you need your friends f2f and online the most.. getting clean isnt just getting clean and fighting the cravings it is learning to deal with life and cleaning up our past... one thing at a time though
you are doing great with your counselor.. just always be honest with him and dont hold back... that is the only way it will work...
God bless
teresa
Singlemom........yes, we all know about the shame, but I have found that as you accumlate clean time, that gets better,too.
A couple of months ago, i was afraid to go to a meeting for fear of running into someone I knew. I know, that was stupid. But I live in a small, Peyton Place sort of town, and was worried the word would get out, yada yada yada......Well, I had lunch with a friend yesterday who I have never even discussed drugs with once in the 10 years I have known her, and she told me someone told her they saw me going to the Hour Club (AA meeting...I only went once!). And I said "Yep, they sure did." And from there I told her my story, or parts of it. And even though it bothered me somewhat, and still does, 8 weeks ago, I would have gotten very angry and denied it, or something equally bad. I certainly do not intend to broadcast my addiction, but some reason, I am over being so ashamed of it.
So, tell your neighbor what you are going through. She just may be a great help to you and at the very least, maybe she won't offer you anymore pills. You get a sense of freedom when you share the burden you are carrying inside with someone face to face, and it would good for you. Also, it would be idea to flush those pills you are hiding. I know how hard that would be, but when you remove all the temptation, you are left without that inner stuggle to deal with.
You are doing great so far, and I truly wish success to you. I have been where you are and know how you feel. You can do it, don't give up! Take care!
