You Can Do It!

Pain Pills
1
Don't want to start anything, I just joined. My wife found this site for me. Great site to by the way. I have been on lortab 10's for about a year. Got busted by my wife a few weeks ago and have not taken anything sense. It's very hard though. Can't sleep, when I eat I get sick. Pissed at the world for no reason. But have not taken anything sense. I so want to. But I think if you really set your mind to it you can do it with out checking yourself into some place. She doesn't understand that I can't be around her right now because she makes so mad I don't want to relaps. I don't no why I get so mad at her, I have been the jerk and lost her trust. But I have all this anger towards her. But I think I am doing ok. I am holding on. Each day gets a little harder but easier at the same time. Well this getting to long. I just wanted to hello to everyone and it is great to no that I am not the only one this has happened to. I hope I can over come this. No, I no I will. This has been great just making this post. I feel a little better about things just saying something out loud and not just in my head. Take care all and be strong. Toolman
2
I wish you a fast recov. I had a problem with them a year ago. And I was able to over come them on my own. But it was a long and painful battle. I can understand not wanting your wife there for a while. It makes you remb things went wrong. And they mean well but always end up being your mother than your wife. Anger is natural, I was mad at the world for some time. But it gets better. Just keep fighting the fight!
3
Toolman.. I too, when coming out of rehab, was so damn angry. We know that we are the ones with the problem but it's just easier to focus our anger on those we love the most. We're so very good at placing blame and not wanting to look at ourselves. This too shall pass. Tell her you love her and that this is not her fault or yours. We are not evil people trying to be better, we are sick people trying to get well. It took my husband along time to come to grips with my problem but in the end he found out that he was screwing with my sobriety everytime he tried to make things better. He will never understand because he has no idea what it's like to live with this disease.

I suggest that your wife try an alanon meeting. Tell her to go for herself, not you.

You will start to feel better but you really need help in understanding why you are the way you are. If meetings aren't for you, talk to a counselor who deals with drug addiction. The answers may surprise you.

How badly do you want this?

Cowgirl
4
Finally someone who understands a little. I do love her very much. But I cant give any more of myself to her right now because I don't have it in me. One thing at a time. I try and let her no that I love her. But she pushes and I get angry. I just can't take to much right now. I have a big enough problem with my daily life just to function. Thank you cowgirl, your post makes feel not so alone.
5
For some reason tonight is very hard for me, two weeks ago I had a bottle that had two pills left in it. I got mad when I decided to fight this thing and threw them in the woods behind my house. And tonight I spent a couple of hours looking for them. I found them, but some how I got the strength to flush them down the drain. Work has become very hard for me as well. I just want to jump on everyone. Everything makes me so upset. I feel like I am going to explode. Just venting I guess, sorry. I just hate everything and everyone right now. I hope this passes soon.
6
First of all congrats because as I was reading the post I thought OH NO he took the pills cuz he found them in the woods...HOWEVER you somehow mustered up the strength to flush them (big step!) Next mood swings and anger is exactly what my boyfriend experienced..and often took out on me. In fact I have had times where I get so frustrated I just scream or break down crying b/c its so hard to think of how simple pills can ruin so many lives. I encourage you to share your feelings with your wife, she may not understand, but maybe if you show her this site? I know its all very frustrating and you just want to be better already but its a long process and you just have to take it min by min, hour by hour, day by day. Everyone is here for you, people will always listen. But remember you have every right to be MAD, but just use that anger as fuel to stop using and get better as soon as you can. Excercise may help and I hear drinking water helps flush your system. Good luck, and you can scream at me all you want if htat helps too! Youre in my thoughts.
7
Toolman... just to let you know that you aren't going crazy. You are right where you should be in your early stages of recovery. But man, you gotta get some help. We can't fight this stuff by ourselves. I am such a walking advertisment for that statement. How many times I tried to get clean on my own.... it just doesn't work. We need human interaction from people who have been there and know exactly what we mean so that we don't have to try and explain it. Please seek some counseling or an NA meeting. What would it hurt to try just one? It's your job right now to make sure your wife knows it's not her. It's you. Tell her to expect the worst and wait for the best. Another week or so and you'll be yourself again.

Good for you for tossing the pills..shows you really want this. I don't know if I would have been that strong and I've got 43 days. Don't tempt the Gods... pick up the phone or look for a meeting. If you don't know what meetings are like and are apprehensive, let me know. I'll take you through it step by step. They're not for everyone, but you'll never know until you try.

Take care, darlin..
Cowgirl
8
toolman i disagree with cowgirl i think you can do it on your own, not everyone needs NA, NA isn't for everyone, but as cowgirl saids you have to give it one shot, i went to one and hated it, and i was hooked about as long as you, but the pills did cost me my relationship of 16years, just be glad your wife is understanding, my better half thinks if i could have hid that from her for over a year what else could i hide? yada yada yada, luckily we are both good people and we are respecting each other and being nice to each other until she finds an apt and i stay in the house for another 4 months or so fixing it up and putting it on the market, split it 50/50 and move on, but thats the price i paid for a pill addiction, and if you love someone sometimes you have to let them go and do it with honor and good grace, i will probably take my 100grand and go down to Costa Rica and find oppty and love down there, i hear the music is beautiful and the latino women love the gringo men, sometimes you have to start living again whether it's with your soul mate or starting over, well goodluck toolman an from my ramblings here you can see where my mind is at. Peace (-:
9
Today was not a good day at work and it looks like it is not going to be a very good night again. This week for me is going to very stressed because of work problems. I have thought about going and getting some 10's and taking them to get me through this week and then after the week is over go and check myself in somewhere. I thought after the first three weeks or so it would get better. I can't feel any change. I still want them. I still have to make myself not and try and think about them. Or the feeling of the first one after you havent had one in a long time.
10
toolman we all have problems i am having them right now myself, the ol lady is leaving me and and i will probably be leaving Arizona for good once i sell my house, sure a few good 10milligram percys would feel good right about now, it took me 3-4weeks to get rid of the bad feeling (more like 4.5 weeks) just be glad your family is in tact and your wife is tolerating you, the next time you could be divorced and be left alone to fend for yourself, who said quitting a sedated feeling was going to be easy? it's not, but don't think your problems only exist around you because we all have them, you just have to learn to deal with them without drugs, and if that means you getting HELP like NA meetings or detox or sitting at home sucking it up whatever works do it, i can't tell you if how bad you feel will pass or not we are all different, but your family deserves better than a junkie don't you think? Peace
11
Gosh, I hope you sell your computer along with the house.
12
sharon i see those NA meetings are still doing you good, do those poor people have to tolerate you there to? lol )-:
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I mean really sharon you should take another look at those meetings you go to, i think they are doing you more damage than good, you seem to be a bitter woman, i have been posting here on and off for the last 8-9weeks and never do i say anything negative to anyone except try to enourage or give them and idea of what i went thru, and the only thing i see you do is jump in and say something stupid, then you get everyone in here not liking you to much, then you come in with a sad story to get everyone to feel sorry for you again and then you go back to your old ways. None of us are perfect sharon, but you should take the things you learn at your NA meetings and put them to work, you create negative energy and just have a bad era about you. Remember your 12 step program sharon, and the next time you open your mouth maybe something positive will flow from it. Peace
14
Yea, anyway...Toolman, how are you this morning? Things go better last night? Better today? If you dig deep and look hard, you will see that it is better than being high and having to deal with your first few clean days all over again.

While I respect Gladiator's opinions on NA meetings, it just that, an opinion. He says he went to one meeting. Can't base a whole lot on that. But, it's his perogative and I have only love and respect for his way of doing things.

You however, are to new to this. You need support. You talk about checking into rehab... they will require you to go to meetings. So, before taking that plunge, try a meeting in your area. Ask for help.

Keep in touch..
Cowgirl
15
Hey Toolman,
I found this thread a liitle late, I guess. I'm with you on trying to get off the 10's. Day 18 for me, c/t. Anger, especially defensive anger at those expressing concern! Like when my wife inquires about my "epiphany" -- i.e., why I'm all of a sudden attending AA meetings daily, again, and giving NA another try. It' s kind of like, "I'M HANDLING IT, OK?" Just pride and shame, I guess. Cowgirl got it right -- much easier for me to be around those I'm not the closest to right now. Anyway, I should say that things are getting better each day physically,and I'm beginning to sleep through the night. You hang in there. As for the cravings, it helps me to think it through. My tolerance had built up to ridiculous levels. Sure, the first pill might have an effect, but I know I'd be right back to 6-8 at a time within days. There's no going back. It can only get worse. Congratulations on your clean time -- keep posting. M
16
Still hanging on, I can eat a little now without getting sick. I went yesterday and seen Dr Richard Beach. Any one seen him? Just wondering someone elses opion on him. I like the lady that works there named Vickey. Going to start going three times a week. He wants to give me some kind of new drug that helps with the cravings. But not sure I really want it or not. Thank everyone for there input and thoughts.
17
Gladiator,
Sorry to hear about you and your GF/Wife. Man, it must be hard. Just wanted to say thanks for all your posts. I hope you hang in there and things get easier for you.

Cowgirl-wow!! You are always coming out of something or always getting yourself together/improving yourself.... I admire you a lot....think I said that when I first came on board but it is true. You are someone I look up to. Ok, enough gushing but I am sincere. Keep going, I think you help tons of us on this board. Thanks:)

Sharon, I read your posts too and how are you? And anyone else I have forgotten on this thread sorry, did not mean to!

Toolman,
You sound like you are doing it, you can beat this. Hang in there and I do not have experience or advice, I just send you good wishes/thoughts. Don't give up.

Tigress
18
Toolman, Keep fighting bro...Keep fighting! Finding your pills in the woods, then flushing them is a huge step in my opinion! That is the kind of strength that amazes the addict. We know how deep down you had to reach. Non addicts don't realize that took Super Human Strength to beat those tiny little pills. Yeah man!!! You truly beat it that day, that test. I hope your work week didn't get the best of you.

Careful Toolman, don't buy a new supply!! Two of my bigger faults are rationalizing a relapse (just this once to get me through, and i'll get back on the wagon), and keeping an emergency stash (one pill, the baggies with a little coke left, vodka stashed away). Having nothing in the house is my only choice. Don't buy your 10's to get through the week. You'll get caught in the cycle again. It's the two little pills back again (with lots of friends) wanting a rematch.

How are you fighting cravings? Lately, been getting a charge from exercizing. Seriously, I get an adrenaline buzz with a light workout. It's natural and legal...no guilt! 3 mopnths ago, working out was too much work and ruined my buzz. I wouldn't even have considered it. I have recently been taking some amino acids and vitamins & lots of water. I still get cravings though....heavy cravings because I feel good! That was my most recent relapse....I was feeling so damn good I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to bump it up, and bumped myself right into the toilet.

Hang in there guy...you are in our thoughts.
19
Toolman... you gotta put this in someone else's capable hands. Yours are not so capable right now. If your Dr. wants to help and put you on something for the cravings, then do what he tells you. You have to stop driving the bus, let go for awhile and let others who are trained and know what you should do, do it for you. As addicts we feel as though we have to control everything, even our treament..to a point that's ok, but if what your doing isn't working for you..time to try it someone else's way.

Have a better weekend and rmember, every day will get better and you will get stronger. Just takes a little time. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Cowgirl