I didn't know whether to post in your recovery diary thread or here but I just want to say that your courage and success are inspiring.
I find it very difficult to know what anyone else is feeling. My guess is that some of us often think others cope with life a lot better than we do and we can get pretty down on ourselves about it. I've heard the phrase "comparing your insides with somebody else's outside"
You might already know this, of course, but I want to tell you most people, at any level of outward "success" you care to mention, would have felt some anxiety about the situation you dealt with. I only know this because I'm privileged to work as a consultant assessing senior people in large organisations all over Europe and the States as part of recruitment and coaching processes. I've done it for about 18 years. We're all just kids in bigger bodies.
Courage isn't the absence of fear, it's being frightened to do what you know needs to be done and doing it anyway.
Thanks for the reminder. Thanks for sharing.
Dear Zipper,
I've read your diary. I'm sorry youv'e had to deal with an egotistical person at wk. It's unfortunate that most of us have dealt wth these types. On the inside they usually quite insecure people, thats why they have to always be right.
You handled it with grace and maturity, they probably didn't know how you were really feeling inside. I'm so proud of you that you didn't turn to the bottle, that you knew it would only make things much worse.
Keep praying and hold you cat for love and peace. Animals lower our blood pressure and give us unconditional love. I miss my kitty. You have all of us to lean on. We understand the depths of pain, worry, doubt, lonliness that addiction made 1000 worse.
Valentines Day Is to celebrate love. You are celebrating with your sister. My oldest daughter is also going out with her little sis tonight to a movie & dinner. They are both enjoying this time in their lives to be single. Embrace it as you never know when you won't have your freedom and independance. She had some snappy name for it. Single's something, darn I can't remember. It was cute though I gave her a high 5 for her positive attitude.
As for your moods it may take a while of being sober to find out if theres an under lying mental health issue. You could journal your moods as to make some patterns out. Don't be afraid to talk to professional health care person. Don't suffer anymore then you have to. You are a beautiful and precious soul Zipper!!! I will keep praying for you!
As for you Martin all of your posts touch my heart deeply. You are a kind and sensitive man who reaches out to many people at this site, thank you. We are wounded little children. I was helped by the link you put on the pp board. If your ex could only see what I see in your compassionate and beautiful spirit. If she could just read what you write. She doesn't know thats she has lost a most beautiful man. There were times when you wrote I cried and wished mine would have just have loved and wanted to help me, like you want to help her. You see that she's self medicating her pain. I will continue to pray for her, your kids and you.
I've read your diary. I'm sorry youv'e had to deal with an egotistical person at wk. It's unfortunate that most of us have dealt wth these types. On the inside they usually quite insecure people, thats why they have to always be right.
You handled it with grace and maturity, they probably didn't know how you were really feeling inside. I'm so proud of you that you didn't turn to the bottle, that you knew it would only make things much worse.
Keep praying and hold you cat for love and peace. Animals lower our blood pressure and give us unconditional love. I miss my kitty. You have all of us to lean on. We understand the depths of pain, worry, doubt, lonliness that addiction made 1000 worse.
Valentines Day Is to celebrate love. You are celebrating with your sister. My oldest daughter is also going out with her little sis tonight to a movie & dinner. They are both enjoying this time in their lives to be single. Embrace it as you never know when you won't have your freedom and independance. She had some snappy name for it. Single's something, darn I can't remember. It was cute though I gave her a high 5 for her positive attitude.
As for your moods it may take a while of being sober to find out if theres an under lying mental health issue. You could journal your moods as to make some patterns out. Don't be afraid to talk to professional health care person. Don't suffer anymore then you have to. You are a beautiful and precious soul Zipper!!! I will keep praying for you!
As for you Martin all of your posts touch my heart deeply. You are a kind and sensitive man who reaches out to many people at this site, thank you. We are wounded little children. I was helped by the link you put on the pp board. If your ex could only see what I see in your compassionate and beautiful spirit. If she could just read what you write. She doesn't know thats she has lost a most beautiful man. There were times when you wrote I cried and wished mine would have just have loved and wanted to help me, like you want to help her. You see that she's self medicating her pain. I will continue to pray for her, your kids and you.
Thanks for your kind thoughts. Of course, part of what I have to carry is the knowledge that if I'd understood what I do now, and if I'd been as understanding and kind as I try to be now......but bridges have been burned and doors slammed closed.....I'd kick down doors and give anything just to be able to talk to her about what I see and understand today, but that's not my decision anymore. She fears I judge her. She fears I would try to stop her. Even though I never did. But there's the issue right there; she projects her own judgment of her behaviour. She's a good woman. My fear is that she is judging herself far more harshly than anyone in the World ever would and will just not let me close enough to see that guilt and pain. So no-one can help her right now, because she doesn't need help; she doesn't have a problem.
It is so sad. Your kind words and thoughts help me more than you could know. I wish I'd been a better partner and I hope one day she will feel that I am.
It is so sad. Your kind words and thoughts help me more than you could know. I wish I'd been a better partner and I hope one day she will feel that I am.
Thank you for your kind sentiments...was nice to read, as today I am struggling....another friend called and asked me to hang out. I told him I was 17 days sober & his next response, "well you are still smoking weed, right?"...I haven't smoked but it sure sounds good...My damn mind tells me, "alcohol is your problem, you can still get stoned every once in awhile". The next thought that follows is, "bulls***...if you smoke tonight, you'll buy some and start smoking every night"...this is called transference; transfering one addiction for another. Just because I don't believe I am a pot addict and my life has never been unmanageable, doesn't mean it won't. And working an honest program would mean that no matter the drug...a relapse is a relapse. I know myself well and I know that I couldn't "pretend" to be sober just because I wasn't indulging in my DOC (drug of choice), which is alcohol.
I went to help my parents move today. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving aside from an hour a few days before Christmas. I hate to admit this but my parents are a huge trigger for me....lots of resentments still needing to be resolved. So tonight I am struggling and plan to just stay in, read a bit, and go to bed early. I know this urge will pass and tomorrow will be that much better when I know that I didn't give in to the urge/obsession.
Somedays are filled with pink clouds and others, like today, is filled with ominous clouds. I gotta remember the good days and also remember that the temporary buzz will not compare to the knowledge of knowing I didn't give in.
Thanks for letting me share,
Zipper
I went to help my parents move today. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving aside from an hour a few days before Christmas. I hate to admit this but my parents are a huge trigger for me....lots of resentments still needing to be resolved. So tonight I am struggling and plan to just stay in, read a bit, and go to bed early. I know this urge will pass and tomorrow will be that much better when I know that I didn't give in to the urge/obsession.
Somedays are filled with pink clouds and others, like today, is filled with ominous clouds. I gotta remember the good days and also remember that the temporary buzz will not compare to the knowledge of knowing I didn't give in.
Thanks for letting me share,
Zipper
Zipper I am sorry to know you are not having a good day. Just be strong and take comfort from the fact that you are NOT alone and never need be. You have everyone on this board who is supporting you. As a newcomer myself and new in the program I can understand fully and totally where you are coming from. I find that sometimes those we love the most can irritate us to the point where we want to drink but that is not their intention so we should not let it be ours. Hang in ,take a deep breath and hold your cat. Be strong,not for anyone else but for yourself and let that beautiful spirit inside of you to be free to shine. Don't dim your light with alcohol. I know you like quotes so heres one for you."the shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor. For the one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything.....God bless and be safe
I hope you had a peaceful night. It's 9.00am here and the sunlight is streaming through my window. I never know what mood I'm going to wake up in. sometimes I feel joy as I open my eyes, confident that everything is as it should be and I will be fine, sometimes I feel anxiety and dread, sometimes terror....this past year, my 51st, has been like nothing I've ever experienced. It's as if someone slipped past me and changed the world one night, or perhaps filled me with a new set of feelings, an experimental set, just to see what happens and how I react.....I certainly don't feel like the "me" I've lived with for 45 or 50 years.....
Life eh?
I cope as best I can, taking my main inspiration from the recovering alcoholics I have met at open meetings. If it wasn't for them I think I'd be convinced I was/am going insane and I'm not sure I'd be able to cope. Me, not able to cope....that really is a novelty and I don't like it one bit. But it's my Truth at the moment and I'm learning to sit with it, gradually learning to welcome these strange beasts called "feelings" into my awareness instead of shoving them away with work, my kids, my ex, my sense of "duty", "my responsibilities", world affairs, what the American President is up to, who's going to win the election in Pakistan, the state of the roads in Cardiff or whatever else my busy, self-important little ego can concern itself with (bless it) to keep pushing those insistent emotions OUT of my awareness ....yep, there's plenty of "drugs" out there and most of them legal.....
Of course, some of the above are a bit less self-destructive than alcohol or speed or heroin, but I think AT ROOT the psychological need is the same....I think that's why for a lot of people in Al-anon and AA the steps are such a gift....they help people tackle the root, not just the disease (addiction) or the symptoms (the doc).....personally I believe addiction IS a spiritual disease, by which I mean human beings have evolved to a point where we need meaning and some kind of love in our lives as much as we need air and food.
It seems to be the case that if we find those we don't actually need much else, and realising that love and meaning come in many forms is a thought that is helping me to feel safe.
I also know that if I keep looking in the wrong places for those things I keep hurting myself, and I think that's why families can be such a big trigger. I know my mum and dad love me, but there's a very small child in me that's still looking for the love he feels he lacked a long, long time ago and I'm not sure they're capable of giving me THAT fifty years later! Experts, whoever they are, would probably tell me that's why I was so attracted to an emotionally unavailable woman.....an immature part of me wanted a replay with a different ending....choosing an alcoholic as a partner certainly reproduced the context and the pain, but the ending hasn't exactly been a victory for love.....
No guilty parties, no blame to apportion.....not for me, for my ex, for my mother's alcoholic stepfather or my dad's gambling addict father - we're all just human beings doing our best to deal with life on life's terms....
It is what it is and we can't change everything. What is beautiful is that you're changing what you can. You are becoming who you want to be. Aren't you wonderful! Aren't we human beings absolutely wonderful.
Thanks for giving me the inspiration I needed this morning. I hope the sun is shining where you are, but if it isn't, I hope you can feel the warmth within that comes from knowing you are doing your very best.
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal, what counts is the courage to continue."
- Winston Churchill
Life eh?
I cope as best I can, taking my main inspiration from the recovering alcoholics I have met at open meetings. If it wasn't for them I think I'd be convinced I was/am going insane and I'm not sure I'd be able to cope. Me, not able to cope....that really is a novelty and I don't like it one bit. But it's my Truth at the moment and I'm learning to sit with it, gradually learning to welcome these strange beasts called "feelings" into my awareness instead of shoving them away with work, my kids, my ex, my sense of "duty", "my responsibilities", world affairs, what the American President is up to, who's going to win the election in Pakistan, the state of the roads in Cardiff or whatever else my busy, self-important little ego can concern itself with (bless it) to keep pushing those insistent emotions OUT of my awareness ....yep, there's plenty of "drugs" out there and most of them legal.....
Of course, some of the above are a bit less self-destructive than alcohol or speed or heroin, but I think AT ROOT the psychological need is the same....I think that's why for a lot of people in Al-anon and AA the steps are such a gift....they help people tackle the root, not just the disease (addiction) or the symptoms (the doc).....personally I believe addiction IS a spiritual disease, by which I mean human beings have evolved to a point where we need meaning and some kind of love in our lives as much as we need air and food.
It seems to be the case that if we find those we don't actually need much else, and realising that love and meaning come in many forms is a thought that is helping me to feel safe.
I also know that if I keep looking in the wrong places for those things I keep hurting myself, and I think that's why families can be such a big trigger. I know my mum and dad love me, but there's a very small child in me that's still looking for the love he feels he lacked a long, long time ago and I'm not sure they're capable of giving me THAT fifty years later! Experts, whoever they are, would probably tell me that's why I was so attracted to an emotionally unavailable woman.....an immature part of me wanted a replay with a different ending....choosing an alcoholic as a partner certainly reproduced the context and the pain, but the ending hasn't exactly been a victory for love.....
No guilty parties, no blame to apportion.....not for me, for my ex, for my mother's alcoholic stepfather or my dad's gambling addict father - we're all just human beings doing our best to deal with life on life's terms....
It is what it is and we can't change everything. What is beautiful is that you're changing what you can. You are becoming who you want to be. Aren't you wonderful! Aren't we human beings absolutely wonderful.
Thanks for giving me the inspiration I needed this morning. I hope the sun is shining where you are, but if it isn't, I hope you can feel the warmth within that comes from knowing you are doing your very best.
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal, what counts is the courage to continue."
- Winston Churchill
Martin,
I think that was one of the most beautifully, honest posts I have ever read....
Thank you so very much for sharing your wisdom and inspiration with me!!!
In spirit,
Zipper
BTW, I made it another 24 hours! What a ride. :)
I think that was one of the most beautifully, honest posts I have ever read....
Thank you so very much for sharing your wisdom and inspiration with me!!!
In spirit,
Zipper
BTW, I made it another 24 hours! What a ride. :)
Martin your a breath of fresh air.
I love that quote by Churchill
Have a good evening
Jeff
I love that quote by Churchill
Have a good evening
Jeff
Hi Zipper,
I justed wanted to share my experience about MJ. The last 6 months before I became sober. I tried switching to MJ. I remember how MJ didn't get me into big trouble like alcohol. My hubby who's a completely sober guy even said go ahead and smoke weed, just please don't drink anymore.
Well, I tried and guess what it didn't last long before I was thinking after I was stoned, a couple of beers sure sounds good now. Before I knew it I didn't even want the weed anymore. I just wanted alcohol. I was right back where I started, in a big ugly mess of booze.
I just felt I needed to share that with you. I'm glad your smarter then I was Zipper. Good for you!!
Yes, Subman sometimes I think their is some divine and wise spirit speaking through Martin for some of us. His words are healing and profound for me. His last post to Jer spoke loud and clear to my soul. He is a gift.
I justed wanted to share my experience about MJ. The last 6 months before I became sober. I tried switching to MJ. I remember how MJ didn't get me into big trouble like alcohol. My hubby who's a completely sober guy even said go ahead and smoke weed, just please don't drink anymore.
Well, I tried and guess what it didn't last long before I was thinking after I was stoned, a couple of beers sure sounds good now. Before I knew it I didn't even want the weed anymore. I just wanted alcohol. I was right back where I started, in a big ugly mess of booze.
I just felt I needed to share that with you. I'm glad your smarter then I was Zipper. Good for you!!
Yes, Subman sometimes I think their is some divine and wise spirit speaking through Martin for some of us. His words are healing and profound for me. His last post to Jer spoke loud and clear to my soul. He is a gift.
Lookinup...thank you for sharing your experience. I agree...mj will only lead to drinking...as it always has. I am grateful I didn't smoke because I wouldn't be able to say: I have 20 days!!!! I feel good today...another pink cloud day, which was very needed. I am grateful I didn't give in and give up during the darker days...
Thanks for sharing,
Zipper
Thanks for sharing,
Zipper
