Hi all,
First time I quit drugs and alcohol, I was 20 yrs. old. Now at the time I never thought of being an addict. I just quit. Then when I was 25 after a divorce, I started using again. Not awhole lot. I felt now I can control it. Only if I didnt over do it. This went on for a few years. I had gotten remarried and now had 2 children. Still not thinking I was an addict. But the using had start getting closer together. At this time I was using cocaine and drinking alcohol. Then enters pills. At first it was once in a while, then became more frequent. Until it became a daily habit. Still all this while never thinking I am an addict. Now I knew my husband had a problem with the pills but I didnt. See I was not only an addict but I was the wife of an addict. Anyway, time came that my husband decided he was going to rehab. He needed help bad. He tried to change his mind that very same day, but I told him either he goes or I leave. So he went. Now I am pissed off he went. The way I saw it was I was left with all the bills and the 2 kids all alone. I still had my pills though. They were starting to run out after he was in rehab for a week. I concentrated on him so much that I still couldnt see that I had a problem. See I had always done things alone and my way that this was no different. I was angry cause I felt like when things got real bad my husband up and left. He went on a vacation and I was left to hold the bag. I started to visit him in the rehab while I was high myself. I always left pissed off. I couldn't figure it out. I was in bigtime denial. Then I heard something one night at the family night at the rehab. It hit me that I to had a problem. So I decided I would quit the pills. I tried to taper and I ended up taking more than I originally did. Well I ran out of pills. I decided that was it for me I was gonna get clean. I was the mom at home in severe withdrawl with 2 kids and no money. I thought I was losing my mind. I couldnt sleep , I couldnt eat. Everything hurt. I was sooo sick. I really believed I was gonna die. But I would never ask anyone for help. I didnt dare cause that would make me appear weak. And that was one thing I wasnt. I knew I needed help. I knew by now I was an addict. My house looked like a crack house. When I used it was spotless, I was superwoman and super mom. When I used I hid my addiction well. I also tried to hide my husbands addiction. I picked up after him. I made excuses for him. Let me tell you this was a fulltime job in itself. I loved my husband but hated him at the same time. So here I was all alone and going through w/d. I hated myself and everyone else. I had decided I couldnt do this alone. I didnt want to go to rehab cause I didnt want anyone to know. I didnt want to leave my kids, I was full of every excuse in the book. I finally decided that I had to start to go to meetings because I was gonna use again if I didnt do something. My first meeting I said my name but nothing else. I was not yet ready to say Im an addict. I didnt want to accept it yet. I still wanted to do it my way. lol I hated everyone in the meetings. I felt like I had just been given a jail sentence. I thought ..omg I have to go to these meetings for the rest of my life? And as far as God was concerned. I felt like he abandoned me long ago. I didnt have time for a God in my life. I resented my husband because I blamed him for me becoming an addict. I blamed my mom for not being a better parent. I blamed everyone else. It took me 6 monthes to say a word in meetings. Finally I started talking alittle. Things started getting better for me. My husband and I started getting along better. I still had those resentments with him though. I wasnt ready to let them go yet either. Sorry wasnt enough for me. I resented the fact that I was the one that got up with the kids everyday, I was the one that made sure dinner was on the table, I was the one that made sure the house was clean, I was the one that made sure noone saw my husband when he was sick. I was one miserable person. I needed to let go of these resentments. I prayed a lot on them and finally I was able to let go. Somewhere along the line I wasnt doing something because after 2 yrs clean I relapsed. Second time getting clean wasnt as bad as the first time. I hadnt been using that long. I went to a meeting with 24 hours clean. I was sick and I was shaking but I made it through. For me the first time around the only thing that saved me while going through w/d was praying. Second time praying saved me as well, but this time I was done with all my excuses. I was ready. I finnally could admit I am an addict. I finnaly surrendered. My life was so unmangeable that I didnt want to live anymore. It was either I was gonna get clean and find a way to stay clean or I was gonna die. If I had it all to do over again...which I wouldnt want to go through w/d again but if I had it to do all over again. I would of went to outpatient rehab for help. It took me 2 yrs to figure out I didnt have to do this alone. And today I am glad I dont have to do it alone. I dont believe anyones way is wrong. For me I didnt want to take anything like sub or methadone. Now I'm not saying that it is wrong to go that route I'm just saying its not for me. Today I am alittle over a year clean. I am clean because I admitted I am an addict and I am doing something about it. I am out of excuses. I go to meetings and I share. I have a sponsor. I do the things that are suggested for me to do. I dont always like the suggestions but I follow them because those before me they worked for. I didnt get clean to be miserable. I got clean to have a better life with out having to take a pill, drink, or a line. I am far from perfect. I do a lot wrong but as long as I stay clean I have a shot. Using today is NOT an option for me. For me to use is to die. How do I know that I will make it back? I made it back once but I dont know that I would again. And I dont want to find out either. It is easier to stay clean than to get clean. I go to meetings to learn how to live without the use of a pill or whatever. I suggest meetings because that is what works for me. That doesnt mean that I am say ing I am right and someone else is wrong. I learned that it wasnt anyone elses fault that I am an addict. I was wrong to blame my husband and my family. I was wrong to think I could do this alone. I am a very strong person but this addiction is stronger. That doesnt mean I am a weak person. It just means that I need help. And for me AA is where I find my help. I also learned that part of being strong is asking for help not refusing it.If I can get clean , then anyone can do it. Well ok , this is my longest post yet..lol sorry about that. I hope this can help someone but if not then it helped me. Talking about it keeps it green for me. thanks.
God bless
gina
Hi,
Wow, I can only say I love you and am proud of you Gi. Thankyou for being not only a part of my life, my wife, my best friend, but for also being a supporting part in my recovery. Being with you makes me feel good about me, Love ya'..
Take care.......................................God bless...................................Bob
Wow, I can only say I love you and am proud of you Gi. Thankyou for being not only a part of my life, my wife, my best friend, but for also being a supporting part in my recovery. Being with you makes me feel good about me, Love ya'..
Take care.......................................God bless...................................Bob
Thank you for sharing your story, Gina. You never know who that might inspire or help in some way. It's difficult to pour out your heard and air all your trials. But you did it in hopes somebody will relate and use your way. Good job, Gina.
Love you, Kat
Love you, Kat
Dear Gina,
That was so very brave of you..........Thank you for sharing that.....
Love ya, Rus
That was so very brave of you..........Thank you for sharing that.....
Love ya, Rus
Wow...You and I have alot in common. And you had some really good stuff..about resentments that I can learn from. I think that is what killed me this last time; resentments. And also being able to trust and open up...
Tonight I FINALLY went back to a meeting, invited by a friend of mine who has 8 years, and watched me go in and out..so I took her up on her invite.
My 3 year old was wispering loudly...and crunching her granola bar...it was annoying me...but also alot of other people. The kind ones ingnored it; they knew that i needed to be there.
But after the third lady that I smiled at didn't smile back, I decided it was time to go.
I left because I don't want to infringe....I have always wanted to be that way. Hey, my kids bug me!! And I am their mom.
I should know better than to bring my kids to a womans meeting, right??? HA HA.
I was really glad that I went back. I was kinda hurt...but that is my s***. Also, if you are an aa or an na member, remember, mommies need meetings too.
Ya know, now that I am working a program,I have to be rigourously honest. It really does scare me that you guys live in the same house, and post to each other...Bob and Gina. Somehow that disturbs me...lol...
Kerry
Tonight I FINALLY went back to a meeting, invited by a friend of mine who has 8 years, and watched me go in and out..so I took her up on her invite.
My 3 year old was wispering loudly...and crunching her granola bar...it was annoying me...but also alot of other people. The kind ones ingnored it; they knew that i needed to be there.
But after the third lady that I smiled at didn't smile back, I decided it was time to go.
I left because I don't want to infringe....I have always wanted to be that way. Hey, my kids bug me!! And I am their mom.
I should know better than to bring my kids to a womans meeting, right??? HA HA.
I was really glad that I went back. I was kinda hurt...but that is my s***. Also, if you are an aa or an na member, remember, mommies need meetings too.
Ya know, now that I am working a program,I have to be rigourously honest. It really does scare me that you guys live in the same house, and post to each other...Bob and Gina. Somehow that disturbs me...lol...
Kerry
Kerry,
The need you feel to get a dig in disturbs me.
I have no problem posting my love for my wife for all to see, plus it shows a new comer that a couple can be in recovery together and make it.
It's a shame that some of you have to find fault with everything you don't agree with.
A personal post was made in hopes it would help someone along with herself and you have to get a dig in to impress who ever it is you look up to here. If I'm at a meeting with Gina and she is the speaker, I'll share at that meeting, it's the same here, she shared and I shared in responce thats all.
Take care...................................God bless..................................Bob
The need you feel to get a dig in disturbs me.
I have no problem posting my love for my wife for all to see, plus it shows a new comer that a couple can be in recovery together and make it.
It's a shame that some of you have to find fault with everything you don't agree with.
A personal post was made in hopes it would help someone along with herself and you have to get a dig in to impress who ever it is you look up to here. If I'm at a meeting with Gina and she is the speaker, I'll share at that meeting, it's the same here, she shared and I shared in responce thats all.
Take care...................................God bless..................................Bob
Thanks for sharing that, Gina. I intend to share it with my 29 year old son who doesn't think he needs meetings or God to do this. I'm praying for him, but he has to be open to receiving God's help. I hope it helps!
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
That's so sweet Susan. Maybe we should all do what Gina did. Just as I thought, it could maybe be a help to somebody. I sure hope it's your son!!!! Love ya, Kat
Hey Gina,
This is an excellent post. Thank you for sharing your story. I can totally relate. This is my true second time going through the wd's. It sucks big time but I know I'll make it through. I've been cold all day, and the fatigue.
I'm finding myself getting angry and blaming my husband now. Part of me is annoyed he needs the damn pills, lol. I mean after all if it wasn't for him I wouldn't of had them in the first place? Yeah, part of me is blaming him. I know though it isn't really his fault. I just hate how I'm feeling without the pills and he is an only target here now.God Bless this poor guy. But I know he understands and I really keep my bitching to a minimum. I layed around a lot today really just thinking, Damn I hate this. I really hate how I feel off the pills. It's not so much the physical problems I'm experiencing. I can deal with that. It's the thinking and feeling that is the worst part of it for me. Oh well, I just don't have a choice. I have to get through this. Thanks for your story and sorry I took up some space venting here myself.
Well, I'll talk with you soon.
Love,
Liz
This is an excellent post. Thank you for sharing your story. I can totally relate. This is my true second time going through the wd's. It sucks big time but I know I'll make it through. I've been cold all day, and the fatigue.
I'm finding myself getting angry and blaming my husband now. Part of me is annoyed he needs the damn pills, lol. I mean after all if it wasn't for him I wouldn't of had them in the first place? Yeah, part of me is blaming him. I know though it isn't really his fault. I just hate how I'm feeling without the pills and he is an only target here now.God Bless this poor guy. But I know he understands and I really keep my bitching to a minimum. I layed around a lot today really just thinking, Damn I hate this. I really hate how I feel off the pills. It's not so much the physical problems I'm experiencing. I can deal with that. It's the thinking and feeling that is the worst part of it for me. Oh well, I just don't have a choice. I have to get through this. Thanks for your story and sorry I took up some space venting here myself.
Well, I'll talk with you soon.
Love,
Liz
You're going to make it Liz! I just know it! I know this is a frustrating time, but it will pass. Everything you're feeling is normal. Soon, it will just be a memory. If there's anyway I can help, please let me know. I'm here for you. Love, Kat
Hey Thanks Kat,
I know it will pass, Been through this crap before and If I just didn't go back I wouldn't be back in this crap again. Oh well, What can I say? It just sucks right now but I know it will get better. Thanks for listening.
Love,
Liz
I know it will pass, Been through this crap before and If I just didn't go back I wouldn't be back in this crap again. Oh well, What can I say? It just sucks right now but I know it will get better. Thanks for listening.
Love,
Liz
Somehow that disturbs me...lol...
Kerry
bob...notice the lol...it wasn't meant as a dig, just
an honest observation...
take it easy bob...
Kerry
Kerry
bob...notice the lol...it wasn't meant as a dig, just
an honest observation...
take it easy bob...
Kerry
Kerry,
Hi, wasn't sure what you meant, ok it's not a dig, but an observation non the less. Just wondering why that would bother you at all anyway?.........Bob
Sorry, maybe I'm just on edge because of how Gi is usually drug into things lately.............Take care.................Bob
Hi, wasn't sure what you meant, ok it's not a dig, but an observation non the less. Just wondering why that would bother you at all anyway?.........Bob
Sorry, maybe I'm just on edge because of how Gi is usually drug into things lately.............Take care.................Bob
edit
Gina,
I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you for the courage it took to post your story of addcition. If it helps one person then it was so worth the honesty that you showed here tonight. I wish I had half the courage that you have. You really care about Recovery and helping others. Its shows in all your posts. And it is so wonderful that you and Bob have each other. I envy the support and unconditional love that you two have. So many people going thru recovery don't have that support to fall back on. And support is so needed in fighting this demon .....addcition. Please know that I love you and Bob, you give me unconditional love and alot of times I mess up badly and don't deserve it , lol.
I'm so proud that you all are my friends. Don't ever change, you are perfect just the way you are.
God bless,
I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you for the courage it took to post your story of addcition. If it helps one person then it was so worth the honesty that you showed here tonight. I wish I had half the courage that you have. You really care about Recovery and helping others. Its shows in all your posts. And it is so wonderful that you and Bob have each other. I envy the support and unconditional love that you two have. So many people going thru recovery don't have that support to fall back on. And support is so needed in fighting this demon .....addcition. Please know that I love you and Bob, you give me unconditional love and alot of times I mess up badly and don't deserve it , lol.
I'm so proud that you all are my friends. Don't ever change, you are perfect just the way you are.
God bless,
Gina we dont talk much but I wanted to thank you for opening up like that.Your story hits home in many ways & I think you are STILL a very brave lady....mj
very nice Gina,
i read this late last night and enjoyed it very much.
i know you even better now.
pop it onto the cgrg stories board!
love ya,
kate
i read this late last night and enjoyed it very much.
i know you even better now.
pop it onto the cgrg stories board!
love ya,
kate
gi,
wow i am speachless (you know how my attention span is *wink) i am certainly glad i made time for this post. it hit home to me sooooooo much. it made me a lil stronger today reading what you had wrote. thank you so much for taking the time out to pour your heart out on your sleeve and enlighten me some more. you have tons of courage and an amazing heart to tell your story. i know it helped me : )
ps. dont you love modern day technology. leaving love notes online for all the world to see that marriage works if ya work it. huh bob :P i used to leave messages on my husbands napkins in his lunch. we got heat for that too hehe
terrianne
wow i am speachless (you know how my attention span is *wink) i am certainly glad i made time for this post. it hit home to me sooooooo much. it made me a lil stronger today reading what you had wrote. thank you so much for taking the time out to pour your heart out on your sleeve and enlighten me some more. you have tons of courage and an amazing heart to tell your story. i know it helped me : )
ps. dont you love modern day technology. leaving love notes online for all the world to see that marriage works if ya work it. huh bob :P i used to leave messages on my husbands napkins in his lunch. we got heat for that too hehe
terrianne
Terrianne,
lol, Gina wrote me notes on my napkins too! lol I saved them all. Some of them made me wanna leave work early if ya' know what I mean! lmao
Love ya', talk to ya' later..............Take care....................................Bob
lol, Gina wrote me notes on my napkins too! lol I saved them all. Some of them made me wanna leave work early if ya' know what I mean! lmao
Love ya', talk to ya' later..............Take care....................................Bob
bob,
you ARE disturbing PUNK ...thats why i love ya. sending prayers for gina by the way. let me know how she is.
terrianne
you ARE disturbing PUNK ...thats why i love ya. sending prayers for gina by the way. let me know how she is.
terrianne
