I don't know how to start. I am hurting so bad over my son. My son will be 37 years old this year. He lives in homeless shelters. I never would have imagined a son of mine would opt to live homeless, knowing he has a family that loves him. His choice is because apparently he is using some kind of drugs. Never would have ever imagined being the mother of a drug addict. At first I thought that he was mentally ill and I have suffered with this thought for about 4 years. His personality changed drastically in the past two years. He takes memories of the past and twists them into horrible incidents. He accuses me of things I never did to him and has been awful to me. My son was very attached to me. He never gave me problems as a teenager other than failing class work and being lazy and daydreaming all the time. He was never in trouble for anything but a candy bar that he once took without paying from a store. He talks to himself all the time, does not sleep, he could go days without sleeping. I had him live with me for about 7 months, he disrespected me and he had to go. He was getting verbally aggressive and the neighbors were about to call the police on him. I did not want this for my son. I put him on a plane to another state and he has been living in and out of shelters for about 2 years. I lost my sense of being. I walked out of my ministry. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I slipped into a severe depression and have been on antidepressents for almost a year. I can't stop crying, thinking constantly about him and his wear abouts. Has anyone in this group ever been a drug addict that became hateful to his/her mother and recovered from drugs? What happens to the mind when the person you most loved in your life, suddenly becomes the person you hate. How could my own son hate me and say things that are horrible about me and aren't true. What kind of drug could be doing this? Will my son ever be the person he once was? Any mother going through this out there? How can I cope? I am really hurting and no one seems to understand me.
I'm terribly sorry to hear what you're going through and I hope you and your son recover from this. the first and best thing to do is take care of yourself. Yes this is common with painkillers( opiates) and prescription drugs like Xanax ( benzos). when you talk to him let them know you love him and when he's tired of that life and ready to seek help that you'll be there for him. my thoughts are with you and I hopethe best.
Thank you for your concern Daniel 45
Your story sounds a lot like mine. My son is 32 and a meth addict. He went from being my best buddy when he was little to calling me names my worst enemies wouldn't call me and showing me nothing but disrespect. I too feel so alone and the depression is a killer. It is like a roller coaster ride and then the ups get less and less. It is one of the hardest things as a mother to watch your once perfect child kill himself slowly. The only way I find peace at all is to remember the drugs killed my son long ago and if he ever does recover he will be a different person and we will have to regain a relationship.
Coming on this site and realizing there is others out there just like us is the best help in have found. I feel your pain and wish I could make it go away. I just keep repeating the words I read in a post. You did not cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.......good luck in your search for peace
Coming on this site and realizing there is others out there just like us is the best help in have found. I feel your pain and wish I could make it go away. I just keep repeating the words I read in a post. You did not cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.......good luck in your search for peace
Hi Joaquina, I know how you feel.Your heart is broken and you feel helpless and don't know what to do. No one to turn to for help and frightened to confide in friends. Because people who haven't a kid addicted to drugs has no idea of the pain your going through.You've found people to talk to now Joaquina as we are all here for you on this website. We all understand you and you'll get strength day by day just reading posts from other mothers on here. My daughter is an addict and is 34yrs old. Been one for 17 yrs. I use to think she would quit and we would all be a happy family again. But she didn't and we're not. We're just like everyone else on here sad and living under a black cloud. That's how I feel! I'm sorry but I do! She has taken memories and distorted them too. Called me names I would never use. It's the drugs that messes with their brains,makes them talk crazy and they blame anyone but themselves.The years that have been wasted, 17 yrs of waiting for my daughter to waken up and get better. But an addicts life stands still while we all grow older around them. Time I don't think exists when their on drugs. Our sons and daughters put drugs first in their lives nothing or no one else comes before that! You have to take care of yourself and not let this sadness overwhelm you. We can't wait on our addicts to help us because their not interested they can't see any further than their meth,crack/cocaine or their heroin.I've learned this from this website. Coming on here and just writing a post now and again or reading posts helps me know I'm not alone anymore. I've also learned a lot about drugs too. Maybe you'll see a post that you want to answer because it reminds you of you.Helping each other helps us too. It all helps give us strength. God Bless. Mary.
I want to thank those of you who have commented and joined me in this journey. I am so sorry that you are going through the same as me. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. Thank you for reading my post.
I'm right there with you. Drug addiction is the worst. Tears Families apart. I've been depressed this past week with all that has happened with my daughter. She has been verbally abusive and it just hurts so bad. She has 3 beautiful kids that she is hurting also. This site has been helpful to me knowing I'm not alone with this. Good Luck to you
I too am the mother of a 37 year old boy who has had drug problems and mentle issue most of his life he is now addicted to meth . I have tried getting help from doctors mentle health ect . Yesterday I had to turn my son in to police for stealing my car I watched him be hand cuffed and taken away. This is my last desperate act to get him help. I have been crying all day I have blamed my self I failed as a parent to help him.now all I can do is pray for him I will always be there for him. I truly believe that the chances that this drug will take the life of my child is very real.
I am reading your replies to my dilemma with my son and I hurt so much for all of you. I too had to call the police on my son in an attempt to get help for him and because his aggressive behavior made me very scared of what he could be capable of doing to himself or to me. It tore me apart to see my son handcuffed in front of me, when he never gave me problems as a teen. To have him arrested to force him to get help , I had to do it this way. I too have cried tears of remorse for this. I feel terribly guilty of his fear of being hospitalized, then locked up. I keep repeating in my mind, the look in his eyes as he got arrested. I remember him begging me to get him off the handcuffs and to listen to him. I felt like the weight of the world fell on me. I wanted to die. I just wanted to die when they put him behind bars. Oh Lord, every time I walk past the place where he was arrested, I see it happen all over again. I have fallen into a depression that I just can't seem to get out of. I get some good days, then it all hits me again. He is homeless, from shelter to shelter for the past 2 years now. It hurts so much and he doesn't want help. He doesn't feel he needs any help. But he does...he does...He use to talk to himself, talk to someone that wasn't there, he has to be really hooked to a heavy drug. I can't take the pain sometimes when I think of him out there like that. The hospitals, the legal system, the family, nothing helps!!! nothing!!! No one helps!!! This is too painful. He hates me so much and I still can't understand how someone I love so much could hate me. This hurts.
Hi, What you did you did through love. He knows that! When he gets clear minded in jail he will know you did this to help him. What if this time really works and this is what straightens him out? He'll thank you for doing this! You had to try one more time to get him help. At least he is safe and off the streets and away from drugs. Try not to think of him being arrested. What you did was very brave and he is lucky to have such a wonderful loving mother like you. Your a strong woman, just be stronger a little bit longer. You can get through this rough patch, look what you have already got through. If it's like the rest of us it's not pretty. All the best! Sarah.
To know that I am not alone in these feelings makes it a little bit easier. You can feal very isolated at times and ashamed of what is going on that you don't shear with friends and family as all they do not understand how you feal and tend to judge you and tell you what you should do as though it is very simple to solve this problem thank you so much for shearing it helps a lot keep strong
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are great programs for families/friends of alcoholics/addicts.
http://www.nar-anon.org/
http://www.al-anon.org/
Click on "find a meeting".
There you will find scores of folks like yourself who are working on recovery.
All the best.
Bob R
http://www.nar-anon.org/
http://www.al-anon.org/
Click on "find a meeting".
There you will find scores of folks like yourself who are working on recovery.
All the best.
Bob R
Hi Joaquina,
You are so not alone. There are so many of us who are where you are, have been where you are and unfortunately, who will be where you are.
I only read your first post, so forgive me if I repeat things others have said, but something you wrote made me want to jump right in and respond to you. You worte that you dont understand why he would choose to be homeless when he has a family who loves him - what you need to understand, is that he did nt choose this. He is not making choices, he is living with a disease that takes over his life. Had he known he would have ended up homeless, causing so much pain to his loved ones, he would have never gone there. Its his disease. It has nothing to do with you - how much he loves you, misses you, cares and respects for you. It's a disease. No matter what he screams at you, how he lashes out at you, ignores you and hurts you - still - its not about you. Its him and his disease. By the same token, you can't love him and care him enough into a cure - its his disease and needs serious clinical treatment. Dont ever imagine that this is in anyway your fault, or that you can somehow forge a plan to fix it for him. Its not about you.
The fact that your own mental and physical well being is already comrpomised - that's on you. That's what you focus on. That's what you can change. That's what you can heal. What you have to heal. Coming here and sharing your load and reading other people's stories is a great start. Get help for yourself and work on your end of the equation. Its horrible, but its all you can do.
You are so not alone. There are so many of us who are where you are, have been where you are and unfortunately, who will be where you are.
I only read your first post, so forgive me if I repeat things others have said, but something you wrote made me want to jump right in and respond to you. You worte that you dont understand why he would choose to be homeless when he has a family who loves him - what you need to understand, is that he did nt choose this. He is not making choices, he is living with a disease that takes over his life. Had he known he would have ended up homeless, causing so much pain to his loved ones, he would have never gone there. Its his disease. It has nothing to do with you - how much he loves you, misses you, cares and respects for you. It's a disease. No matter what he screams at you, how he lashes out at you, ignores you and hurts you - still - its not about you. Its him and his disease. By the same token, you can't love him and care him enough into a cure - its his disease and needs serious clinical treatment. Dont ever imagine that this is in anyway your fault, or that you can somehow forge a plan to fix it for him. Its not about you.
The fact that your own mental and physical well being is already comrpomised - that's on you. That's what you focus on. That's what you can change. That's what you can heal. What you have to heal. Coming here and sharing your load and reading other people's stories is a great start. Get help for yourself and work on your end of the equation. Its horrible, but its all you can do.
Hi,
I so feel your pain and depression our stories are so much alike. The first time I seen my son handcuffed in front of me tore my heart from my chest. The time I seen my son taken down by the cops with a taser about killed me. I have been dealing with this for the past 16 years and it never gets easier. The moments of pain don't come as much any more. But when they do it puts me in a depression that is unbelievable. I have been reading a lot lately and have decided to work on myself and try to be happy. I have come to terms with my son in prison by knowing that he is not living on the streets, or drug houses and the chance he may kill someone else.
I have come to fear my son because of the hate he has for me. I woke to him standing over me in the middle of the night and it scared me completely to death. I too feel the hate my son has for me because I have been the one to show him tough love. All we can do is hope one day we can have some kind of relationship with them and get over the depression.
You have to take care of your self and try to get some happiness back. The drugs have already taken our sons and we can't let them take us!!!!!!
I feel your pain and am here anytime you need to talk.
I so feel your pain and depression our stories are so much alike. The first time I seen my son handcuffed in front of me tore my heart from my chest. The time I seen my son taken down by the cops with a taser about killed me. I have been dealing with this for the past 16 years and it never gets easier. The moments of pain don't come as much any more. But when they do it puts me in a depression that is unbelievable. I have been reading a lot lately and have decided to work on myself and try to be happy. I have come to terms with my son in prison by knowing that he is not living on the streets, or drug houses and the chance he may kill someone else.
I have come to fear my son because of the hate he has for me. I woke to him standing over me in the middle of the night and it scared me completely to death. I too feel the hate my son has for me because I have been the one to show him tough love. All we can do is hope one day we can have some kind of relationship with them and get over the depression.
You have to take care of your self and try to get some happiness back. The drugs have already taken our sons and we can't let them take us!!!!!!
I feel your pain and am here anytime you need to talk.
I am sitting here reading your comments with tears in my eyes. I am so sorry that so many are going through this horrible experience with their sons or daughters. Its been about 4 months that I do not hear anything about my son. He doesn't respond to phone calls, texts or facebook messages. At least when he was in jail, I knew where he was. Now, I don't even know if he is alive. My heart goes out to every one of you who is or has lived through this. I read your messages over and over and it sounds as if it were me writing the same things in different ways. I have been on medication and therapy for 9 months now. I am trying my hardest to keep myself sane. Its not easy, but I am trying. Never had to live on medication in my life. This has affected my emotional state as well as my physical health. Today I thank God that we have found a space where we can let go of our feelings and receive feedback from each other. I hope this space may also serve somehow as healing for the addictions of our loved ones. I hope that somehow, our sharing will bring healing to our hearts as parents and family members. I thank those of you who have been able to stay strong and have managed to help us see that we should not feel guilty. Something I have to remind myself constantly. Thank you again for being on here and know that my heart goes out to all of you.
ddyches,
I too am scared of my son. He has scared me to the point where one night I sat up on my bed, all night without closing my eyes and shaking in panic, because I swore he was going to kill me. I never would have imagined me thinking that way about my son. I was petrified to the point that I sneaked out of the house and ended up in the emergency room. All because when I told him that evening, that I think he should seek help because he was acting strange. He flipped out in such a way that he stood in front of me screaming telling me to repeat those words again. I froze. Totally froze. Never closed my eyes that night. That is why he is no longer living with me. He is homeless in another part of the country. I feel for you. I am sorry you went through this.
I too am scared of my son. He has scared me to the point where one night I sat up on my bed, all night without closing my eyes and shaking in panic, because I swore he was going to kill me. I never would have imagined me thinking that way about my son. I was petrified to the point that I sneaked out of the house and ended up in the emergency room. All because when I told him that evening, that I think he should seek help because he was acting strange. He flipped out in such a way that he stood in front of me screaming telling me to repeat those words again. I froze. Totally froze. Never closed my eyes that night. That is why he is no longer living with me. He is homeless in another part of the country. I feel for you. I am sorry you went through this.
Hello "IJUSTWANTOHELP",
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I really appreciate you helping me see my son's actions as part of his "disease" . It wasn't till about a couple of months ago, that I finally accepted to believe that not only I have a mentally ill son, also a drug addict one. Its been very difficult trying to accept that what has happened to him is due to drugs. I guess it was easier for me to convince myself that he was mentally ill and this way I thought I could control his treatment. I really thought that I could help him out of his illness. You are right, I have exhausted all I had to keep trying to help him. You are right, he has to do this for himself. I hope and pray that some day he hits rock bottom, like I hope for all of our addicts. That when they hit rock bottom, we all can have a healthier relationship with them someday. I don't want to lose hope for any of us. In the mean time, I am doing my best to continue my treatment and therapy. I am doing what I can to live a better life. I still have my husband, my daughter and grandchildren to live for. Not easy, not easy at all. I thank you for your concern. Thanks for helping me stay strong.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I really appreciate you helping me see my son's actions as part of his "disease" . It wasn't till about a couple of months ago, that I finally accepted to believe that not only I have a mentally ill son, also a drug addict one. Its been very difficult trying to accept that what has happened to him is due to drugs. I guess it was easier for me to convince myself that he was mentally ill and this way I thought I could control his treatment. I really thought that I could help him out of his illness. You are right, I have exhausted all I had to keep trying to help him. You are right, he has to do this for himself. I hope and pray that some day he hits rock bottom, like I hope for all of our addicts. That when they hit rock bottom, we all can have a healthier relationship with them someday. I don't want to lose hope for any of us. In the mean time, I am doing my best to continue my treatment and therapy. I am doing what I can to live a better life. I still have my husband, my daughter and grandchildren to live for. Not easy, not easy at all. I thank you for your concern. Thanks for helping me stay strong.
Hello " Papa Bear"
thank you for your encouraging information. I am looking into some kind of live support group near where I live. I do not live in the states. Your suggestion has been on my mind. Thanks for the support you give others as well.
thank you for your encouraging information. I am looking into some kind of live support group near where I live. I do not live in the states. Your suggestion has been on my mind. Thanks for the support you give others as well.
Hi "Pooh",
I am so sorry you are in the same boat. You did mention something that is so difficult to live with. You mentioned the shame we can feel and how isolated we can be at times, because of judgements and criticisms from family and friends. You are so right. I am so ashamed of everything that has gone on with my son. I am so ashamed that I have walked out on my life as I knew it. I was a public figure in this community and I am so embarrassed of being in front of others who make up their own ideas as to how things are happening with my son or who describe things in ways that hurt even more to listen to. Embarrassed because I never thought a child of mine would end up like this. I can no longer work. I just can not see myself as a responsible person, knowing that my son is an addict and homeless. How can I bring hope to others out there. I live in shame and I too feel real isolated. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
I am so sorry you are in the same boat. You did mention something that is so difficult to live with. You mentioned the shame we can feel and how isolated we can be at times, because of judgements and criticisms from family and friends. You are so right. I am so ashamed of everything that has gone on with my son. I am so ashamed that I have walked out on my life as I knew it. I was a public figure in this community and I am so embarrassed of being in front of others who make up their own ideas as to how things are happening with my son or who describe things in ways that hurt even more to listen to. Embarrassed because I never thought a child of mine would end up like this. I can no longer work. I just can not see myself as a responsible person, knowing that my son is an addict and homeless. How can I bring hope to others out there. I live in shame and I too feel real isolated. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
Hi "Sarah 2",
Thank you so much for your beautiful words. Thanks for reading into my heart and knowing that all I have done is because I love my son. I only pray that your hope of him realizing all this some day will become a reality. I pray that we all can someday rejoice in the changes our sons and daughters have made and that we can all share on here each others experiences for the better. Meanwhile, I thank God for positive thinkers like you. I admire you.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words. Thanks for reading into my heart and knowing that all I have done is because I love my son. I only pray that your hope of him realizing all this some day will become a reality. I pray that we all can someday rejoice in the changes our sons and daughters have made and that we can all share on here each others experiences for the better. Meanwhile, I thank God for positive thinkers like you. I admire you.
