A Poll For Anyone And Everyone Here !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello to you all ! As I am sure most of you already know I did relapse after just 8 days . I feel bad about it as though I let you all down . But most of all I feel I let myself down. God this sucks !!
But I didnt come on here tonight"this morning" to rave on about myself . I was just thinking of something that I would like all of your input on. You know those little bits on t.v. I am sure you have all seen them. The ones about how bad pot is . Well I have always laughed about how awful they make it sound . You know they make pot sound "deadly" on those comercials . Well I have smoked pot almost daliy since I was 14 and pot to me was a much less evil thing then all the other things I was and still am doing . I have a lot of friends both here in MI where I am from and in Nashua N.H. where I spent most of my life that smoke a little rope at night or after work . And they live very wonderful normal lifes . With good jobs .... I guess what I am getting at is I have never really thought of pot as a real drug . I know it IS but that is not what I am asking you guys . Anyway sorry to ramble on so long , long time without sleep . So I was watching tv tonight and one of those "Anti-Drig" bits came on about Pot and I started to think about what a joke it was I got to thinking about how it is always refered to as the "gate-way" drug . And I thought about the frist drug I did and low and behold it was grass . So I was wondering if pot could really be as responsable as they claim for our drug problems that we have now ? So I would like to know what drug was your 1st and how old you were the 1st time you used said drug . Also any other input is welcomed !!!!
Once again I am so sorry about how badly this letter was put together . I am not always this run on and on and blabber about nothing girl I am tonight . So I have to thank you all who got to the end of this post and take my poll !!
Love Mandy
I would also like to know who got you to do your first drug ?
BTW My 1st high was pot
I was 11 years old the very first time
And the the person I 1st smoked with was one of my best friends step dads. Needless to say later on he got me on crank and coke too.
My first drug was pot, too. It didn't work the first time, like they say. But the second time, it did. I used to steal it from the neighbors and my parent's plants. When they busted me, they couldn't bust me because I had stolen it from them....what could they say??

I hate pot, but I would much rather see people smoke that than other things. I know that any drug is bad, but I think that of all the evils, that is the lesser.

JMHO. However, if you are working a program of recovery, staying away from ALL MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES is the point of the program.

My parents grew it in the backyard, and my stepdad is a pretty successful architect and a contractor. He doesn't smoke anymore, but he did for years. Maybe that adds to my opinion of it.
I never saw him get violent, have mad cravings, or steal to get his stash.
it all began so innocently.

i believe that i was around three or four?

i discovered that if i out-stretched my arms and spun myself around and around i would get really dizzy and then fall down.

i loved that feeling and would spend well-over half of my life chasing it.

alcohol - drugs - sex - gambling - stealing - eating - shopping - sleeping - any adrenalin inducing act -- all served as useful modalities in which to achieve an altered consciousness.

in my case, oxygen, the simple act of breathing, was the only gateway drug i needed to set the wheels of addiction into motion.

*Spinning Daddy Roses*
Thank you both for your replys ! It is very interesting reading other people views and storys like this Littlebeach I think you had a good point on pot being a lesser evil . I feel the same way . Sweetdaddy I thought your post was very interesting because I am sure that not just a few people here did the same thing as a child . Myself included ! I remember spinning with a bunch of kids from my town on my lawn and then all of us fallling down to watch the earth spin . So wow I have never looked at that as a form of buzz but I guess thats exacly what it is like . So very great points made by both of you . Thanks . And I cant wait to here more from you all on this !
miss mandy,

my first drug was tylonol 3's after 2 wisdom teeth pulled and from then on i couldnt wait for pain from period cramps so i could take more. i didnt know i could just take them for fun. as i had extras. then it was pot, i cant recall who got me started but it was a high school friend and i loved it! i was prolly about 16 years old. so tylenol 3's when i could get them cause i had braces and pot in the smoking area at school.

terrianne
oh and mandy dont beat yourself over a relapse, its part of the addiction, pick yourself up and try again, we are all here for you. you have my support 100 percent. it could happen to anyone of us. no one is immune. you take care and love yourself, you are so worth it and you deserve the best my fellow michigander : )

terrianne
Wow thanks for the kind words ! I didnt talk too much about my relapse because I feel very ashamed of it . Also I felt like all of the support I got here from everyone and all of there words were waisted on me. That makes me feel so low . To waist the time of so many great people who are kind enough to talk to me when I was so down and out was awful for me to do ! I feel so very bad about that . I therw all of it away because the scum bag that sells me most of my O.C.s offered me a deal on them if I bought them all off him . I did not call him but he came over anyway just like I knew he would . It only took one day after he got his RX to come over to my house and let me know he was holding . I made a very small feeble atempt to pass on them . But as soon as he heard I was 7 days clean and trying very hard to stay that wat he made me the deal that I could not refuse . Or so the addict in me said I could not refuse anyway . He told me he would give me his whole RX for half price this month. So I got to thinking that I would just buy them and turn around and sell them and get double the $ I put into it . But I am sure you know how that went. I didnt have them in my purse for 3 whole min before the 1srt one was crushed and sniffed right up .One wouldnt hurt right . Then I got that old warmth sneaking up my body and needless to say I have yet to sell even 1 of those damn things ! Nor will I Im afraid . It is like I get delt a bad hand to start off with then I have people out there taking away the only few good cards I got you know ? ! I know it is stupid to say that but I do feel as though people are personly agenets me getting sober . Like my guy has never given me a deal like that in the 4 years I have been getting them from him. And then when I start to think I just might get it this time he comes to me with them in his hand and half the reg price ! That to me seems unfair ! I know I sound selfish and maybe I am but why does it seem like they are all out to make me weaker then I already am ? He was also not the only friend that right after I told them I was trying to quit that turned right around and offered me something or told me they new where to get something. It is almost like it is done on perpose to make me want to use again . Like my useing friends really do not want me to quit . Witch to me seems silly because I dont get them there drugs so they dont have to fear losing a conection here . I just dont get why it seems everyone is so anti Mandy getting clean ? Maybe I am just being sissy and parinoied about this . But to me it really dose seem this way . Maybe you could shed some light on this suject for me Boo ,please ? I welcome everyones openions on this so please fill me in !!!


ps I am very sorry about the awful way I am writing tonight . I could not spell snot tonight to save my soul !!
mandy,

of course your using freinds want you to fail, they want your money and also the using friends want to make themselves feel better about using, i know its hard, its very hard, the hardest thing i ever did, but you have to cut your ties off to your dealers and using friends. trust me once you do you will feel more empowered and i will be right here for you every step of the way my michigander friend. we are like blood now hehehe hey my email is naturesprincess@yahoo.com use it anytime at all if you ever wanna talk private. be good to yourself. i have come attatched to you know. so use me and abuse me : )

terrianne
My brother warned me at a very young age that men will use any means to get a prety girl. He warned me that many times men will offer that first high, praying you love it, thereby loving them because they have what you want... their drugs.

Give girl drugs, get girl hooked, girl aint goin' nowhere cuz she needs the drugs. Bam, got her where you want her.

So, at 17 I was hanging with a guy I REALLY LIKED and he wanted to go out to the car for a minute so we did. He had crack rock and offered it to me.

I, as my brother previously instructed, punched him dead in the forehead and said, "How dare you say you have feelings for me and try to get me to smoke some s*** that could possibly turn me into a toothless street-walker for a fix. Then, my brother kicked his a**, then my friends, he had beatings coming for over a month.

I have thanked my brother many times. Had he not educated me about it, I would have absolutely tried it just to 'feel closer to the guy'. Today, I could be toothless, no education, no family, in a real mess just from a simple 'walk to the car for a minute'.

I wish someone would have been as harsh about this with you as my brother was for me. The way he put it: Once you smoke crack, you'll probably always smoke crack, all the while hitting his pipe. He warned me that it can make one lose all sense of morals, values and beliefs. I was warned that hitting crack once today could put me behind a dumpster doing 'sexual favors' for just one more hit. THAT WAS ENOUGH FOR ME. That was also the reason I bout beat the boy that offered it to me to death. Afterall, wasnt he trying to take my life?

One would be force to say yes.
here 4 you,

great post!!! your brother is an angel!! i am so glad there is a happy ending and that you listened and you have a great message to carry, your brother is a smart man. i have never heard it put in such a way. very impressive and thank your brother from me : )

terrianne
Thank you very very much for you kind words . They really do help ! At the risk of grossing you right out I must tell you that if I do not reply right away it is not because I dont want to talk to you . Not that at all in fact you have kept me half way sane these past long lonely dark night hours . So I thank you from the bottom of my heart just for being there and talking to me tonight ! You are an angle ! But back to the part that might very well gross you out . And I do apoligise for aharing to much info with you but I feel as though I owe you the truth in an explanatin as to why I may not reply right away to your post . So here comes the cold hard yucky truth . Ok here gose . I have a aunt who has all of her 4 kids on rids "ritilin" you know what those are right ? I am sure you have a least heard of the and what they are used for WHen you crush them up and sniff them you speed . Anyway I have done then in the past but not in at least a year or so . But I got a call from a buddy of mine who was looking for some rids . So I called in a favor to my aunt for this buddy of mine . Well the buddy bought a whole sh!t load of them so she hooked me up with a bunch for free . I was only going to do one or two of them just for the hell of it but then once I got started I just coulnt stop !! I did all the ones that I got for free and then I went to the bank and took out some $ I really could not affored to spend and went over to her house and bought all the rest of them she had for sale . Mand I know that was so stuipid but I did it anyway . Well I hate to have to tell anyone this but I did them all between about 12 pm to about 3 this am . But thats not even the worst of it . Oh no I got even bumber and did a whole bunch of 80s on top of all the rids ! To top that off rids make you not able to eat so I have eaten nothing since dinner yesterday ! So naw I am sike to my stomace worse then i remeber being in a long tme. I am throwing up so hard and so bad that my eye balll hurt form it ? I can handle the ocs because that is my doc . Those are what I take everyday but the rids are really makeing me so sick ! That is why it is taking me so long to write this . I keep having to run to the b/r . I sould never have been so stupis to take so many upperes ans so many downer all together ! God Am I bumb hey ! Wow !! So thats why . I hope you cen forgive me . I will never do this tomyself again. I will never touch rids again eather...... Oh man Am I sike and to top it off I can not sleep because of all those nasty speed I took. I hope I can get over thses probs ! What do you think is there still any hope for me at all ?
mandy,

stop being down on yourself, i am sad for you and please tell me how i can help. i know i know as well as any addict that you will do them till they are gone, i know i would have, but please promise me you will ditch the using friends and dealers. talk to your husband, your mom, a sibling....someone that will help you. trust me it sounds scary and it feels like you will get biotched at, but they will only want to help. i promise. i told my ex husband i needed rehab and that i needed a ride there and he took off work. no one wants to see you hurt yourself. you are loved far to much. 6 years of marriage is alot of love. do i have to take a yooper vacation myself? please listen honey. i wouldnt let you down.

terrianne
mandy,

i already care about you alot!! do you have any baking soda? if you do, take a coffee mug and fill it with hot tea water and a teaspoonto a tablespoon of bakingsoda and drink it, i swear it will do wonders for your tummy. i know it sounds gross, but its not as bad as you think and making your tummy feel better is worth the taste.

terrianne
Mandy, don't beat yourself up. Like Terrianne said, this is a really hard demon to beat. I doubt at 7 days clean i would have refused that deal, either, sorry to say.

However, there is a solution.

One of the things that I have found to be extremely important is there is absolutely no source for me to get pills. I cut off ALL connections...which was mainly my doctor, but there is no one to get pills from. I didn't do that the first time I got clean, and I probably would have 2 years this month.

When you are done, you will know it. People that are using don't want clean friends...changing playgrounds, playmates, and playtime activities are crucial to getting sober, because there is a part of us that is going to fight this.

You can do it.

I know you can. Just put that log cabin picture up to motiviate you.....and you don't want your little girl to not have a mommy from sniffing oxy. I lost a good friend this year from an overdose; he was my running partner. People thought it was suicide, but I caught up with the guy who found him, and he said it was an overdose....I miss him. That is what sniffing oxy does.

Kerry
and I am not trying to sound harsh and judgemental....I just have a whole new fear of how dangerous sniffing oxy is. They found him with all his pills crushed, ready to go, like a bag of coke.

I just care.

Kerry
Thanks Terrianna .
I needed that . Yes I should tell someone but I really just cant . I know how that must sound but it is true . I swear . It would be way to much to handle all the shame that would come with outting myself to anyone I care about . I hope you can understand how much I do wish I had someone to come clean too here but it just cant be that way. But thank the good Lord I found this site . Thanks for talkingwith me for so long tonight it was great !! I really enjoyed it . You being a fellow Mich dweller and all. And I hate for it to end but I dont think I can sit up and write any longer . I am getting sicer by the min and I dont harving anything in my belly to throw up anymore so it is just getting worse because I cant get ride of it . So as much as I hate to I must say goodbye and goodnight to you my new freind . For you see I am such an addict that I have once again made myself ill from to much useage . How smart am I ? Not very Im afraid . I am sure my head willl see no pillow tonight only the potty . But I have enjoyed this chat we have had and I hope there will be many more to come ...
God bless and good night
kerry,

great post and thanks for the story, that is som scary shiznet i alos snorted that crap for a couple months. i could barely stand up myself.

mandy.

listen to kerry she knows, she has been on the board along time and we watched her struggle and get clean, if she can, you can!! can you look into suboxone? or is that not an option for you.

terrianne
I will come on again as soon as I start to feel better ok guys . Thank you to all those that replyed to me and I look forword to reading everyone who takes my poll and replys to it . I will talk to you all soon , untell then take care .
mandy,

take care and by the way screw shame, shame kills as well. LISTEN TO US!! LET YOUR LOVED ONES HELP< THEY LOVE YOU DAMN IT!!

terrianne