Dannie,
If you continue to show this much love and caring(that you showed him) to yourself, a man thats worth it will come along and notice that, as a man, I can say a big attraction for me is a self confident woman. Use what you put into him to do to yourself and you will be a better person and will find someone who deserves what you have to offer. You have to stay strong though because if he does go out and use with this person, he will come back once he needs to be taken care of again but that cannot be you anymore because you know already what the end result will be.
I just found out that he is bringing her to meet the family. I want to die. I can't take this feeling of rejection and hurt any longer. I can't take it. I just can't do it anymore.
It's a day to day thing. Grief is overwhelming. You just have to do your best to make it through the day. You are strong Dani. Make it through today. Tomorrow will be a new day with new perspectives. It takes time but ultimately you will come out in a better place.
dani, its just something new for him they think they understand eachother however u and i both know the storm is a brewing.........thats an accident waiting to happen. they cant depend on each other , they dont even know each other yet. wait.... youll see. i hope u get so mad at him u change your number. look on the bright side your free ....................... free of worry, sorrow. nows the time to take care and regroup. Im wishing that for me as well. u wish it for me too k. many hugs
hey dani, i can hear his mom saying oi vey (poor things) they too know whats in store
Dear Lost,
Thank you! that was just what I needed to hear. And yes I will pray for you as well. I guess I am just shocked that he would jump head first into a new relationship soooooo quickly. I pray he does not go back to using. I just don't see how a 42 year old recovering addict can be successful with a 23 year old recovering addict. How can it work? The newness of it all will wear off soon and he will be thinking of me, if he isn't already. I am so done with him it's not even an issue. I could NEVER trust him again. I'd like to know how he would feel if he found out I was with a new guy? I'm sure it would get to him, new girlfriend and all.
You will be in my prayers every single night.
XOXOXOXO
D
Thank you! that was just what I needed to hear. And yes I will pray for you as well. I guess I am just shocked that he would jump head first into a new relationship soooooo quickly. I pray he does not go back to using. I just don't see how a 42 year old recovering addict can be successful with a 23 year old recovering addict. How can it work? The newness of it all will wear off soon and he will be thinking of me, if he isn't already. I am so done with him it's not even an issue. I could NEVER trust him again. I'd like to know how he would feel if he found out I was with a new guy? I'm sure it would get to him, new girlfriend and all.
You will be in my prayers every single night.
XOXOXOXO
D
d, its not going to work 42,and early 20s only thing in common would be recovery right now. as u said hope they recover however remember storms a brewing... i would have like to be a fly on the moms wall. u gotta laugh right? there each others headache now. hope your doing well.
Just goes to show you where his head is at.
Dgirl
Hope your getting thru this better as time goes by- - continue to drive YourSelf forward-- the past is the past. I see better days for you
respect&love
jack
Hope your getting thru this better as time goes by- - continue to drive YourSelf forward-- the past is the past. I see better days for you
respect&love
jack
Jack,
I hope your right. I can't stand thinking about it anymore. I feel so lost and forgotten about. I keep thinking about all I did for him. As he goes on with his life as if I never even existed. I am heartbroken.
Thank you for you thoughts.
Love, Danie
I hope your right. I can't stand thinking about it anymore. I feel so lost and forgotten about. I keep thinking about all I did for him. As he goes on with his life as if I never even existed. I am heartbroken.
Thank you for you thoughts.
Love, Danie
hy dani am new here so cld i found it but 4 idvice well what can i say all of the obuve say it all exept i do nw hope u feel beter av got a similer sort of story im mark ben with my lass 4 6 years now got 2 lush lads age 3 nd 4 sad thing is av been an adict for maybe just over 1 year b4 that i always worked all hours nd i took [e] coke vals then crack then 1 time with an old m8 he says after we had our pipe hey this wil sort u out hv a try sadly i did thinking am strong whitch i thought i was am 24 nw always went to gym evan when adicted i had realy good job mkn too much money i think but i cot layed off just over 1 year ago i was hvn no luck any where geting a job we ended up moving out of a nice big house too moms then we got a plc i was working off nd on when i cud get of course but i was clean then i stil had my car van bikes because i done motor cross most my life then i met my new next door nabuor unfortionly he was an adict of years an a [h] dla u no i started off slowly then evry day then relised or no av done it nw iam a adict or god no i thort them slowly but surely i had no car no van bikes gone points on liecence i then told my lass after a few months she was taken it bad i thought bad things then she stook by me luckly thank god and it that time i was not working and sadly selin the evil poop 4 him next door i was in bad way then 1 day my mom came after i hadnt been to c her 4 a while whitch she thought that was odd i was so in shame did not no what to do where to go get help and so on she then sead to me what wrong are u ill hv u got cancer i thought of ppl out ther with real probs i then told her the truef she cudnt beleave it she was so sad that made me feel so bad by then i was injecting in a bad way i yhen stoped selin me my lass went to docs got put on mef i had lots of relapses then was on 110 ml of mef i was clean then c** down real fast stil hvn a little relaps then i got to 30ml clean of [h] but had to stop iv went with out 4 3 weeks now the 1st 2 i used [h] then it hit me av got to stop its now been 1 hard 5 days trying my very best not show how bad i was realy feeling but stil now not too good but thinking what i could lose my mom thought i was clean 2 months when i told her i was stil in shame i then recently found this site red your story and thought i was so lucky to stil hv my lass kids nice house your story was so sad it made me thinkwhat i had evry time get a bad feeling i think of not just your but all others i thought i was the only 1 a xomby 2 say but now am nealy there tryin yo move house of course but getin clean in my 1st thing on my list am so sory 4 your loss u sound realy nice nd carein and it was no where near anything to wit u lyk i sed b4 as obuve times hard in these cases but time is a healer too me my self is taken 1 day at a time and finding it so hard evan no im so close well i think nd hope my haed wil be in peace soon its been nealy 6 dayz so im hoping i wil feel good soon wil i? any way thanx 4 sharing u thoughts nd feelings and good luck 4 future 4 u nd your precice son keep your head hy i weil 4 u nd also otherppl in same bout
mark of newcastle good look
mark of newcastle good look
Dear Mark,
If you have six days clean, STICK WITH IT!! Don't try to focus on the future. One day/One MOMENT at a time. Just keep on going. Don't go back. Each day will get easier and easier. The withdrawls suck really bad. But every time you think about using, play the tape in your mind over and over again and think about all the BAD things that drugs bring to your life. Yes, the high will take you away for a while, but when you come down your problems are still there. Your so young and have your entire life ahead of you. DON'T throw it away!!! One day at a time. You will get there. I watched my EX get to 5 or six days clean MANY times and then he would go right back out and use again. Then on day he finally said "enough is enough". Go to NA meetings in your area. It helps to be surrounded by people who are in the same situation as you. Talk things out and exchange phine numbers with other guys. This was when you have an urge to go out and use, you can call someone and they can talk you down. Also, keep on posting. There are ALOT of real good people here on this board. They will help you out. This board has kept be glued together mant times when I felt like I was falling apart. I still feel as if I am falling apart. I loved this man so much and would have done anything to please him. And I DID so much for him. I was never appreciated. I guess that I wasen't there for him the way he needed me. Maybe emotionally, I was not what he needed. I tried my best though and it got me no-place. Each day I keep trying to tell myself that my family needs me and everytime I try to dust myself off of keep going, I find out something else that hurts me about him and what he is doing.
Like someone said to me on here "it just goes to show where his head is at". instead of him putting all of his energy into getting a job and staying clean, he jumped head first into a new relationship with someone new and tossed me aside. He used me. He stayed with me until I had nothing left to give him. He broke me, emotionally and financially and now I am alone to pick up the pieces. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of the time and money that I wasted. I thought he was worth it. I thought the relationship was worth it.
Keep it up Mark, DON'T GO BACK. One minute at a time. You can do it!!
Love, Danie
If you have six days clean, STICK WITH IT!! Don't try to focus on the future. One day/One MOMENT at a time. Just keep on going. Don't go back. Each day will get easier and easier. The withdrawls suck really bad. But every time you think about using, play the tape in your mind over and over again and think about all the BAD things that drugs bring to your life. Yes, the high will take you away for a while, but when you come down your problems are still there. Your so young and have your entire life ahead of you. DON'T throw it away!!! One day at a time. You will get there. I watched my EX get to 5 or six days clean MANY times and then he would go right back out and use again. Then on day he finally said "enough is enough". Go to NA meetings in your area. It helps to be surrounded by people who are in the same situation as you. Talk things out and exchange phine numbers with other guys. This was when you have an urge to go out and use, you can call someone and they can talk you down. Also, keep on posting. There are ALOT of real good people here on this board. They will help you out. This board has kept be glued together mant times when I felt like I was falling apart. I still feel as if I am falling apart. I loved this man so much and would have done anything to please him. And I DID so much for him. I was never appreciated. I guess that I wasen't there for him the way he needed me. Maybe emotionally, I was not what he needed. I tried my best though and it got me no-place. Each day I keep trying to tell myself that my family needs me and everytime I try to dust myself off of keep going, I find out something else that hurts me about him and what he is doing.
Like someone said to me on here "it just goes to show where his head is at". instead of him putting all of his energy into getting a job and staying clean, he jumped head first into a new relationship with someone new and tossed me aside. He used me. He stayed with me until I had nothing left to give him. He broke me, emotionally and financially and now I am alone to pick up the pieces. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of the time and money that I wasted. I thought he was worth it. I thought the relationship was worth it.
Keep it up Mark, DON'T GO BACK. One minute at a time. You can do it!!
Love, Danie
thanx so much i realy needed that and i am sticking at this with all my hart that was so sweet and i realy hope u move on because u live 1nc only 1nc theres no terning back lifes a b**** at time but if u try realy hard and look 4words bihind the bad its beutafull it realy is its so hard as time goes slow in these bad time but try 4 your son think he needs happy from u not sayin u dont but me my self love my 2 sons i try to be happy 4 them even when am so bad lyk at the min i feel hard to give any time to them or my lass i no when im over it i can mk it all up but then i think what a wast i must do this and u need to happy 4 u mostly lyk me and all ppl i hope u feel good soon tho u deserve happy content wormth all good life brings try mk most of what u hv now i alweays say to my self times a heela only when moven forwords and 4geting bad plcs or what ever it is that wasnt good but most of all good kuck keep head hy thinking of u
and if pos just if u feel u can av went so long now lyk u c 6 days am over the werst i hope but my head herts aces cant sleep nees a bit acey too but i no my self i can only find out my self but a bit info off sum1 with nolage if poss but buy 4 now thanx again good luck all my best mark
thanx this all helps me so much many thanx best wishes mark
and if pos just if u feel u can av went so long now lyk u c 6 days am over the werst i hope but my head herts aces cant sleep nees a bit acey too but i no my self i can only find out my self but a bit info off sum1 with nolage if poss but buy 4 now thanx again good luck all my best mark
thanx this all helps me so much many thanx best wishes mark
I am sad to hear your grief, however, a common mistake made by partners and freinds is hanging onto the outcome.
You had a choice too.....what was your part in this scenario? you chose to be teh supporter and caregiver and you had your own agenda. You wanted to fix him in order to fix you and your relationship.
Unfortunately it doesnt work like that. It left you feeling used and resenentful
I suggest that you find support for you, take your focus off him and do some of your own recovery.
you are worth all the good things in life. Do not become a victim of your own self made hell. He did not 'do' this to you, you allowed this to happen through your own choices.
Look after you
with love
purrdsxx
You had a choice too.....what was your part in this scenario? you chose to be teh supporter and caregiver and you had your own agenda. You wanted to fix him in order to fix you and your relationship.
Unfortunately it doesnt work like that. It left you feeling used and resenentful
I suggest that you find support for you, take your focus off him and do some of your own recovery.
you are worth all the good things in life. Do not become a victim of your own self made hell. He did not 'do' this to you, you allowed this to happen through your own choices.
Look after you
with love
purrdsxx
How are you doing Dani Girl? I hope better this week. If you can check out the books, "Co-Dependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go".
d, i know your hurting, thats normal . all the care you gave. your wonderful it does take a special person to put up with an addict. i look at all the post and read we are enablers. i guess its true if we werent there for them what would they have done? we were to busy caring to see that. but those are the things you do for some one u love some of us have more compassion than others.and you do become more tolerant with someone who is sick. but that sickness brings you down. the fact that he took up with some one right away just goes to prove he is a low life. im sure he was told in recovery its not a good idea to start any new relationships untill they work on themselves and maybe clean for a year. he didnt give himself a chance to recover u know. now he starts up with a new headache (24) and it will be youll see. its bottled energy now that u have, your son is easy to take care of your x was taking all that energy from u. now u have all that left. you actually have a different peace. its like what do i do with this free time. you dont even realize its peace cause he left you with a few different empty feelings. he didnt even have the decency to give you closer and thank u for all your love and kindness and friendship, u know i could go on and on....he jumps into one problem after another, but thats him right. the more u talk about it the more you will see more clearly and say good riddens to bad news. it takes time...slowly the heavyness will leave... keep busy with goodness. oh and when the fog lifts from your x hes gonna be crying like a baby you must know that right? but you will be in the clear.
d, remember storms a brewing................................. oi vey!!!!!
tons of hugs to u.........
d, remember storms a brewing................................. oi vey!!!!!
tons of hugs to u.........
Hi Daniegirl,
How're you holding up? I really feel for you, you must feel so betrayed. I had a similar situation, over ten years ago i was with my ex for four and a half years, we lived together for four of those years and during that time he descended into heroin addiction. Like yourself, i tried to help and did everything in my power to 'fix' it. His response was to start sleeping with one of my 'close' friends. When i found out about it he had told me he was away at his parents for two weeks to try and get clean when in actual fact he was on holiday with her!! I thought my heart would break in two, i was so angry, hurt and betrayed... with BOTH of them. I too felt 'after all i've done for you....' etc
But then i realised, she had won no prize....in fact he had kept her on the sidelines just in case i would have him back, he was already treating her badly and i knew what she was in for with the lies, he was in full blown addiction with no attempt to get clean. I actually ended up feeling almost grateful to her for taking him off my hands... i had tried all i could but was finding it hard to fully let go as i felt i was abandoning him and this gave me the push to let him go. I forgave them both and i felt such a relief when i actually let go of all the pain, it was destroying me. They moved away a couple of months later which made it easier for me as we shared the same friends and i never saw him again. I heard through the grapevine that they stayed together for four years until she too saw the light, during which time he also became a crack addict. She rebuilt her life and he became a homeless beggar living on the streets. Eight years after i had last seen him i got the phone call to say that he had died, not of an OD but complete organ failure, his body just couldn't take any more and had shut down, it took them two weeks to find out who he was as he had no ID. I cried when i found out but also felt thankful that i hadn't lived through it with him.
As everyone has said, you did nothing wrong, you are a kind, caring loving person and did everything in your power to make it work....it just wasn't meant to be. The pain will pass as it does with any heartbreak, with an addict or not it sucks when you have your heart broken. Time will heal you and one day you will remember fondly the good times you shared instead of the betrayal and the dark times. In the meantime, be good to yourself, take time to do the things that make you happy and put all the energy you used to put in him to look after yourself and your loved ones. You are free. (Just don't make the same mistake i did years later by getting involved with another addict!!!!)
Sending you love and hugs and most of all HOPE for a bright future xxx
How're you holding up? I really feel for you, you must feel so betrayed. I had a similar situation, over ten years ago i was with my ex for four and a half years, we lived together for four of those years and during that time he descended into heroin addiction. Like yourself, i tried to help and did everything in my power to 'fix' it. His response was to start sleeping with one of my 'close' friends. When i found out about it he had told me he was away at his parents for two weeks to try and get clean when in actual fact he was on holiday with her!! I thought my heart would break in two, i was so angry, hurt and betrayed... with BOTH of them. I too felt 'after all i've done for you....' etc
But then i realised, she had won no prize....in fact he had kept her on the sidelines just in case i would have him back, he was already treating her badly and i knew what she was in for with the lies, he was in full blown addiction with no attempt to get clean. I actually ended up feeling almost grateful to her for taking him off my hands... i had tried all i could but was finding it hard to fully let go as i felt i was abandoning him and this gave me the push to let him go. I forgave them both and i felt such a relief when i actually let go of all the pain, it was destroying me. They moved away a couple of months later which made it easier for me as we shared the same friends and i never saw him again. I heard through the grapevine that they stayed together for four years until she too saw the light, during which time he also became a crack addict. She rebuilt her life and he became a homeless beggar living on the streets. Eight years after i had last seen him i got the phone call to say that he had died, not of an OD but complete organ failure, his body just couldn't take any more and had shut down, it took them two weeks to find out who he was as he had no ID. I cried when i found out but also felt thankful that i hadn't lived through it with him.
As everyone has said, you did nothing wrong, you are a kind, caring loving person and did everything in your power to make it work....it just wasn't meant to be. The pain will pass as it does with any heartbreak, with an addict or not it sucks when you have your heart broken. Time will heal you and one day you will remember fondly the good times you shared instead of the betrayal and the dark times. In the meantime, be good to yourself, take time to do the things that make you happy and put all the energy you used to put in him to look after yourself and your loved ones. You are free. (Just don't make the same mistake i did years later by getting involved with another addict!!!!)
Sending you love and hugs and most of all HOPE for a bright future xxx
Dear Lost & Lost,
WOW! Both of your posts really hit me tonight. NEEDED them both so THANK YOU. I like to think that when the fog lifts off of this new "relationship" that he will remember me and how good I was. Not that I was just a co-dependant enabler. Like I have said before, if I was as heartless as he was to me, I would have kicked him to the curb while he was in heavy active addiction. I couldn't hurt him like that. I now see that I should have. He became too good for me once he got clean & cocky. He got his sex drive back, was paid attention to by some other young addict, and thinks he has conquered the world. I would NEVER wish him to use again, but I don't think that the odds of BOTH of them staying clean are very high. And since she is so young, she just may feel that she has some "running" left in her and will be using again in no time. Either that or some young guy with a nice car and a good job (2 things he does NOT have) will come along and make her laugh and she'll be giving my ex the boot and he will know what I feel like. I am really hurting today. The rainy days hurt. Hopefully tomorrow when I wake up, my chest won't be so heavy and I won't cry the minute my eyes open up.
Lost in Forest, your post made me cry when I read what happened to your ex. And Lost all hope, I feel better when you say "storms a brewing" I just know that by the time the storm finally hits, I won't care anymore.
LOVE YOU GUYS,
Danie
WOW! Both of your posts really hit me tonight. NEEDED them both so THANK YOU. I like to think that when the fog lifts off of this new "relationship" that he will remember me and how good I was. Not that I was just a co-dependant enabler. Like I have said before, if I was as heartless as he was to me, I would have kicked him to the curb while he was in heavy active addiction. I couldn't hurt him like that. I now see that I should have. He became too good for me once he got clean & cocky. He got his sex drive back, was paid attention to by some other young addict, and thinks he has conquered the world. I would NEVER wish him to use again, but I don't think that the odds of BOTH of them staying clean are very high. And since she is so young, she just may feel that she has some "running" left in her and will be using again in no time. Either that or some young guy with a nice car and a good job (2 things he does NOT have) will come along and make her laugh and she'll be giving my ex the boot and he will know what I feel like. I am really hurting today. The rainy days hurt. Hopefully tomorrow when I wake up, my chest won't be so heavy and I won't cry the minute my eyes open up.
Lost in Forest, your post made me cry when I read what happened to your ex. And Lost all hope, I feel better when you say "storms a brewing" I just know that by the time the storm finally hits, I won't care anymore.
LOVE YOU GUYS,
Danie
Hi dannie been reading your thread and hate to see someone stuck bad like yourself you need to send them both your love and think only good thoughts what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger move on would you really want him back after this anyway he'd probably just do it again stand tall and get on with YOUR life..PEACEOUT!!!!paul
I know this is rather trite but "Time does heal all wounds".Eventually,you will be able to see that this is not about you.
His actions reflect a self absorbed,selfish individual.You simply allowed it to go on for as long as it did.He will be doing the same thing to his next victim unless he starts working the steps of recovery.I think if you did an inventory and started working on yourself,you wouldn't want him back.Just because he's in the program doesn't mean he's cured.
This is not just about him being an addict and all the dysfunction that entails.He has a lot of character defects that didn't just evaporate because he got clean.He probably has left a trail a mile long of selfish behavior.In order for him to stay clean,he's going to have to change,but not at your expense.
Grieve,cry,scream,do whatever you need to do then get into some action.That means some serious counseling and Naranon meetings.Find out what makes you tick.Your "pickers" broken.It doesn't mean you want lose the caring and giving qualities you have but it can make a huge differences in the choices you make.Love is not one-sided.Being an addict I know how selfish I was.Everything was about me and what made me feel good.
Sick people find sick people and whoever this chick is has the same character defects.It's time to let it go.If you start taking care of yourself and get some self esteem,you will never have to go through this again.If you don't get help then the next needy addict is just around the corner.
Being by yourself for awhile will not kill you.Surround yourself with friends and people you trust and start working on a program yourself.With all your good qualities,there are plenty of healthy men out there.
Keep telling yourself that what he did is not about you.It's not going to go away overnight but each horizon has a new beginning.Don't forget the saying"Insanity is repeating the same things over again expecting different results".
Much luck and power to ya.
His actions reflect a self absorbed,selfish individual.You simply allowed it to go on for as long as it did.He will be doing the same thing to his next victim unless he starts working the steps of recovery.I think if you did an inventory and started working on yourself,you wouldn't want him back.Just because he's in the program doesn't mean he's cured.
This is not just about him being an addict and all the dysfunction that entails.He has a lot of character defects that didn't just evaporate because he got clean.He probably has left a trail a mile long of selfish behavior.In order for him to stay clean,he's going to have to change,but not at your expense.
Grieve,cry,scream,do whatever you need to do then get into some action.That means some serious counseling and Naranon meetings.Find out what makes you tick.Your "pickers" broken.It doesn't mean you want lose the caring and giving qualities you have but it can make a huge differences in the choices you make.Love is not one-sided.Being an addict I know how selfish I was.Everything was about me and what made me feel good.
Sick people find sick people and whoever this chick is has the same character defects.It's time to let it go.If you start taking care of yourself and get some self esteem,you will never have to go through this again.If you don't get help then the next needy addict is just around the corner.
Being by yourself for awhile will not kill you.Surround yourself with friends and people you trust and start working on a program yourself.With all your good qualities,there are plenty of healthy men out there.
Keep telling yourself that what he did is not about you.It's not going to go away overnight but each horizon has a new beginning.Don't forget the saying"Insanity is repeating the same things over again expecting different results".
Much luck and power to ya.
