Hey you,
I woke up this morning in a panic, with the usual committee meeting in my head Youre a loser. Youve blown it. Youve squandered all your opportunities. Youre stupid and lazy. So I came online and a wise friend showed me that this is my disease trying to make me believe that it isnt worth trying anymore, that Im a waste of time so I might as well drug up. That Im not worth saving. Somehow, Ive never put that together and spend a lot of time trying to prove to the committee (my parents) that theyre wrong.
I thought Id pass this wisdom along, since my friend is too shy to post. If you have a committee of your own, sitting in judgment all day long (and I suspect you do, since we have so much in common), its your disease trying to make you give in.
Dont let it win. It knows every trick you do, every one of your secret weaknesses, and it fights dirty. But, by definition, its impossible for it to be stronger than you are.
Were all worth saving.
Love,
Gina
Hey Gina...I've discovered that my mind is a place where you should never go without adult supervision. It's a scary place.
When that committee starts talking, I start walking. All the way to a meeting or to the phone to call my sponser. I can not and will not deal with the committee on my own. I just can't.
Good post...
xxx
cg
When that committee starts talking, I start walking. All the way to a meeting or to the phone to call my sponser. I can not and will not deal with the committee on my own. I just can't.
Good post...
xxx
cg
Hey gina and cg...
I have the same committee too...
The Tao of Sobriety is a good book, Gina. It tells you to designate a "manager" of the committee...only this manager's purpose is to live in goodness and love and yada yada...and the manager takes control when the committee goes off on you and gets out of control....
Read this one...it is a good perspective on addiction.
My manager is a drill seargent...ha ha ha ha...
Kerry
I have the same committee too...
The Tao of Sobriety is a good book, Gina. It tells you to designate a "manager" of the committee...only this manager's purpose is to live in goodness and love and yada yada...and the manager takes control when the committee goes off on you and gets out of control....
Read this one...it is a good perspective on addiction.
My manager is a drill seargent...ha ha ha ha...
Kerry
awesome idea kerry, i read a similiar one too. its about meditation and picturing in your head a board of directors meeting about your life. but the catch is you get to elect the board of directors. in your head you can pick anyone you want and you visaulize what they would say to you about the issues your dealing with. the key is it can be anyone from history that you admire or respect. living or dead. you just close your eyes and visualise the conversation and imagine what advice and decisions they may give you. it is your visualization of them so it doesnt matter what they are really like. its just a way to calm your mind and let god help you sort through feelings and ideas. anyway, thats just something i read i thought id throw out there. take care everyone
that is a good idea...I am going to try that.
In fact, I have been using that sorta technique in confrontation...you are more likely to react in an adult manner when you are feeling that you are worth something.
In fact, I have been using that sorta technique in confrontation...you are more likely to react in an adult manner when you are feeling that you are worth something.
Thats an excellent conceptual tool, wolf, and Ill put it into use right away. I threw my parents out of my life a year ago, and I thought I was throwing them out of my head as well, but it never occurred to me to invite others in in their stead. I envisioned others challenging my parents, not firing them altogether. This is a much better plan. Adult supervision, eh, Lisa? Okay. Im never going in alone again. Come with me and hold my hand for the scary bits.
Kats already CEO. Who else wants to join my new board of trustees? A HP expressed through friendships. Yeah, that works for me.
Love you all,
Gina
Kats already CEO. Who else wants to join my new board of trustees? A HP expressed through friendships. Yeah, that works for me.
Love you all,
Gina
Yikes! Get this, a couple of weeks ago my counselor suggested that for me to combat the "I'm not good enough blues" I should picture myself as a Stuart Smalley with a backbone. Still working on that one!
Anyway, I keep hearing about that book Kerry, bout time I picked it up.
"I'm good enough and gosh darn it I like me"
Jim
Anyway, I keep hearing about that book Kerry, bout time I picked it up.
"I'm good enough and gosh darn it I like me"
Jim
Jim,
You're better than good, and gosh darn we like you, too.
Love, Gina
You're better than good, and gosh darn we like you, too.
Love, Gina
i second that one jim... you can hang with us anytime bro
But Jim, come hang with us on Lone Wolf's thread. This is my "serious thread" of the day and HE'S TRYING TO HIJACK IT. lololol
Let's go wreak havoc on HIS thread.
Love, G
Let's go wreak havoc on HIS thread.
Love, G
gosh darn...
I like you too, JR.
Especially when you dress up in that outfit.
Kerry
I like you too, JR.
Especially when you dress up in that outfit.
Kerry
hey kerry,,, i love it when your on here at this time a day,,,seems i always miss you due to the time difference,,, you are truly an inspiration,,, just wanted to say hi and thanks
Kerry,
The real party's on the other thread. Come join us. I'm exploring public raunchiness today.
Love,
Gina
The real party's on the other thread. Come join us. I'm exploring public raunchiness today.
Love,
Gina
Hey Gina:
I always enjoy reading your post - they seem to calm me - I'm not usually this
hyper. I don't say it to myself e'day and I hate to admit it at all after all of this and listening to all of you struggle right along with me --but I have feelings to where I say to myself - if I just could just take 2 or 4 Lortabs (never know why I never did 3 at a time - it was always 2 or 4)
I've had those feelings several times today - between the energy and the joint pain, I have been a pretty miserable person ........BUT
I didn't take one, I just stayed miserable.
I don't know if I told you but when I started CT this time, I put 10 in my closet, not for my husband to hold, he knows where they are but this is my responsibility. In 12 days I haven't taken one and I have really hurt. During the WD's I didn't really want them but now I just want the pain to go away.
BUT AGAIN - don't want to have to do this again.
Anyway, reason for keeping 10, I have quit before and have always been alble to get Lortabs one ways or another - sinus infection, Migraine, Arthritis so I'm keeping them as a trophy (I hope a forever trophy) I hope they crumble in my pocket - they get so old.
It's also kinda for the people who are alcoholics - I don't think I would ever quit - you can walk to a store - buy a cheap bottle of wine and get drunk. At least we need a prescrption.
I'm rambling, just wanted to say how much I appreciate your post. There about the only thing that is calming to me right now.
Love, Jean
I always enjoy reading your post - they seem to calm me - I'm not usually this
hyper. I don't say it to myself e'day and I hate to admit it at all after all of this and listening to all of you struggle right along with me --but I have feelings to where I say to myself - if I just could just take 2 or 4 Lortabs (never know why I never did 3 at a time - it was always 2 or 4)
I've had those feelings several times today - between the energy and the joint pain, I have been a pretty miserable person ........BUT
I didn't take one, I just stayed miserable.
I don't know if I told you but when I started CT this time, I put 10 in my closet, not for my husband to hold, he knows where they are but this is my responsibility. In 12 days I haven't taken one and I have really hurt. During the WD's I didn't really want them but now I just want the pain to go away.
BUT AGAIN - don't want to have to do this again.
Anyway, reason for keeping 10, I have quit before and have always been alble to get Lortabs one ways or another - sinus infection, Migraine, Arthritis so I'm keeping them as a trophy (I hope a forever trophy) I hope they crumble in my pocket - they get so old.
It's also kinda for the people who are alcoholics - I don't think I would ever quit - you can walk to a store - buy a cheap bottle of wine and get drunk. At least we need a prescrption.
I'm rambling, just wanted to say how much I appreciate your post. There about the only thing that is calming to me right now.
Love, Jean
Hey Jean,
You're always so kind about my posts. And I'm sorry to hear you're in pain today. What can I do to help?
I do remember what you said about holding some Lortabs like a test for yourself. I think there's been a lot of confusion on the board recently about the difference between willpower and self-will. I'm curious which applies in your case right now (but you don't have to answer).
Lisa asked me the other day, when I told her there was OTC codeine in the pharmacies here, if I could get someone to go get my vitamins for me. And I guess I could. But I've been thinking -- as one does -- what if I were an alcoholic? (Which thank goodness I'm not.) Do I get someone to do my grocery shopping for me, too? Cause half the grocery store is taken up with wine and beer. What does an alcoholic do about groceries? Whatever tool he uses, it would work in our case, too. Because an addict is an addict is an addict.
Please keep posting, and you don't ramble. Even if you did, that doesn't matter at all.
Love,
Gina
I just reread your post and I'm sorry if I'm hearing you say something that you're not -- but just right now, perhaps it would be better if your husband held those pills for you. I'd hate to see you lose your hardwon clean time.
You're always so kind about my posts. And I'm sorry to hear you're in pain today. What can I do to help?
I do remember what you said about holding some Lortabs like a test for yourself. I think there's been a lot of confusion on the board recently about the difference between willpower and self-will. I'm curious which applies in your case right now (but you don't have to answer).
Lisa asked me the other day, when I told her there was OTC codeine in the pharmacies here, if I could get someone to go get my vitamins for me. And I guess I could. But I've been thinking -- as one does -- what if I were an alcoholic? (Which thank goodness I'm not.) Do I get someone to do my grocery shopping for me, too? Cause half the grocery store is taken up with wine and beer. What does an alcoholic do about groceries? Whatever tool he uses, it would work in our case, too. Because an addict is an addict is an addict.
Please keep posting, and you don't ramble. Even if you did, that doesn't matter at all.
Love,
Gina
I just reread your post and I'm sorry if I'm hearing you say something that you're not -- but just right now, perhaps it would be better if your husband held those pills for you. I'd hate to see you lose your hardwon clean time.

Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley
Stuart Smalley.....Al Franken
.....Michael Jordan
Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.
Announcer: "Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley". Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.
[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]
Stuart Smalley: I'm going to do a terrific show today! And I'm gonna help people! Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!
[ turns to camera ]
Hello, I'm Stuart Smalley! Well, I'm still receiving some negative reaction from my show on Pee Wee Herman, titled, "There But For The Grace Of God Go I", and, I have to admit, it's not my best show.. but that's o-kay. I have to give myself permission to do a bad show every now and then. Okay.. for those of you who watch the show regularly, you know that I don't have guests, I always do the show alone.. and that's.. o-kay. But yesterday, my producer said, "Stuart, I can get you a guest that you would be insane not to have on the show." So I decided to take a risk - in life, you have to take risks - and, today we have a guest.. [ reveal Michael Jordan sitting next to Stuart ] ..and his name is Michael J. - I'll protect your anonymity. Michael is a basketball player for a professional basketball team. Well, that's very good, Michael, you should be very proud of yourself.
Michael Jordan: Well, thank you, Stuart. I am.
Stuart Smalley: Well, good for you! Good for you! Um, Michael.. I know there must be a lot of pressure for you to play very well, and I can imagine that the night before a game, you must lie awake thinking, "I'm not good enough.. everybody's better than me.. I'm not going to score any points.. I have no business playing this game.."
Michael Jordan: Well.. not really.
Stuart Smalley: Michael, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Michael Jordan: Well.. I do sometimes get a little nervous before important basketball games.
Stuart Smalley: I thought so. And that's.. o-kay. You're not alone. Believe me, I know what it's like.. laying there alone.. all those tapes rolling: "I'm a fraud.. tomorrow, I'm going to be exposed for what I am, a big imposter.. I just want to curl up and lay in bed all day and eat Fig Newtons."
Michael Jordan: Well.. something like that.
Stuart Smalley: Right. Well, Michael, those negative thoughts are your critical inner thoughts saying those things to you, and I want you to replace those negative thoughts with someting positive - a daily affirmation.
Michael Jordan: Affirmation?
Stuart Smalley: Yes. Now, look in the mirror. Come on, don't look at me. Only you can help you. [ Michael faces the mirror ] That's it. Say, "Hello, Michael."
Michael Jordan: [ trying to suppress his laughter ] "Hello, Michael."
Stuart Smalley: "I don't have to be a great basketball player.."
Michael Jordan: "I don't have to be a great basketball player.."
Stuart Smalley: "I don't have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket.."
Michael Jordan: "I don't have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket.."
Stuart Smalley: "Because all I have to do is be the best Michael I can be."
Michael Jordan: "All I have to do is be the best Michael I can be."
Stuart Smalley: "Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"
Michael Jordan: "Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"
Stuart Smalley: Now, don't you feel better?
Michael Jordan: Well, I never really felt bad!
Stuart Smalley: Michael..
Michael Jordan: No, it's true. Stuart, I guess pretty much of the time, I'm a very happy person. I mean, I'm a blessed person - God gave me the talent to play basketball, and I have been able to spread some of that talent, and some of that good feeling, towards everybody, to inspire other people, and help people achieve their dreams.
Stuart Smalley: [ glum ] I am just a fool.. I.. I don't know what I'm doing.. they're gonna cancel the show.. I'm gonna die homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight.. and no one will ever love me..
Michael Jordan: Stuart, that's just not true. I think what you say on your show can be very helpful to people.
Stuart Smalley: You think so?
Michael Jordan: Yes! Definitely! I just don't think it helps beating yourself up that way.
Stuart Smalley: You're right. It's just stinking thinking.
Michael Jordan: And, after all, this show is your dream. It's a good dream! You deserve to have dreams come true! [ Stuart nods ] Feel better? Would you like a hug?
[ Stuart and Michael hug ]
Stuart Smalley: Thank you, Michael.
Michael Jordan: Thank you, Stuart!
Stuart Smalley: You know what? I think this is the best show I've ever done. And you know what? I deserve it! [ turns to his mirror ] Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!
(SS - my new hero! My counselor will love this!))
omg, Jim...
Gina...If I felt that I couldn't go into a grocery store because of the alcohol, yes, I would have someone go for me. It's that scary for me. But hey, that's just me. I have no will power over this insanity.
xxx
cg
Gina...If I felt that I couldn't go into a grocery store because of the alcohol, yes, I would have someone go for me. It's that scary for me. But hey, that's just me. I have no will power over this insanity.
xxx
cg
Jim,
IAPOMNFL (how's that, Jess? Did I get it right?)
You're a Superstar.
But don't be dis'ing Michael if you come work for me in NC. People there will hurt you and hurt you bad.
Love,
Gina
Lisa,
You may lack willpower (though I doubt that), but you also now lack the self-will to use. Else how could you have ratted out your disease to all the pharmacies and hospitals in your area? I think you underrate yourself. But it's wise to burn bridges. Very wise.
Sorry to hear your last baby is leaving home. That would be very hard for me.
Love, G
IAPOMNFL (how's that, Jess? Did I get it right?)
You're a Superstar.
But don't be dis'ing Michael if you come work for me in NC. People there will hurt you and hurt you bad.
Love,
Gina
Lisa,
You may lack willpower (though I doubt that), but you also now lack the self-will to use. Else how could you have ratted out your disease to all the pharmacies and hospitals in your area? I think you underrate yourself. But it's wise to burn bridges. Very wise.
Sorry to hear your last baby is leaving home. That would be very hard for me.
Love, G
I will never have will power, Gina, over the drugs. I've proven it over and over and over (should I keep going?). :)
I still can't believe that my baby will be off to college in a few short months. I have missed so much. It is time that I can never get back.
xxx
PS ok, I give, what did all the letters mean?
I still can't believe that my baby will be off to college in a few short months. I have missed so much. It is time that I can never get back.
xxx
PS ok, I give, what did all the letters mean?
Lisa,
For the answer to that, you'll have to go to Lone Wolf's silly thread. All will be revealed. Except WBTD, which is Jim's. He'll have to fill you in on that one.
Willpower? Well, everyone is different and it's good to know one's own limitations. Lately I've been giving thanks that my life is in fact, relatively free of temptations. If I worked in a hospital or a pharmacy, a nightclub, was a doctor with a prescription pad, I would be SCREWED. But what does one do in that case? Quit the job and go on the dole? I'm grateful that is not my decision to make.
I'm sure triggers are different for everyone. I can sit in a bar, no trouble, but put me within walking distance of a hash cafe and my life is over. I know that. I don't go to those countries anymore, I guess. And that's the price I pay. It must be a different price for everyone.
And Lisa, the committee in my head screams loudest about the years of my kids lives I don't even remember (that's what pot did to me). I don't know what to say to you because this one hurts me enough to make me cry right now and I'm no crybaby. I think it's the disease telling us that since we blew it so bad, we might as well blow the rest of it. I don't know. You're better at this stuff than I am. All I know is that addiction is a b****.
I love you,
Gina
For the answer to that, you'll have to go to Lone Wolf's silly thread. All will be revealed. Except WBTD, which is Jim's. He'll have to fill you in on that one.
Willpower? Well, everyone is different and it's good to know one's own limitations. Lately I've been giving thanks that my life is in fact, relatively free of temptations. If I worked in a hospital or a pharmacy, a nightclub, was a doctor with a prescription pad, I would be SCREWED. But what does one do in that case? Quit the job and go on the dole? I'm grateful that is not my decision to make.
I'm sure triggers are different for everyone. I can sit in a bar, no trouble, but put me within walking distance of a hash cafe and my life is over. I know that. I don't go to those countries anymore, I guess. And that's the price I pay. It must be a different price for everyone.
And Lisa, the committee in my head screams loudest about the years of my kids lives I don't even remember (that's what pot did to me). I don't know what to say to you because this one hurts me enough to make me cry right now and I'm no crybaby. I think it's the disease telling us that since we blew it so bad, we might as well blow the rest of it. I don't know. You're better at this stuff than I am. All I know is that addiction is a b****.
I love you,
Gina