An old friend of mine called me yesterday....leaving a rather slurred message on my answering machine saying he was in a bad place and he really needed to talk to me....
When i finally got a hold of him....he was pretty wasted on pot and beer having relapsed after 90 days....which is kinda par for the course as far as the usual lengths of sobriety he can maintain at a time.....i myself have 17 yrs 2 months clean from pot and booze.....but i still remembered the days when i struggled to stay sober having lost my youngest brother to suicide due to his drinking while i didn't have even a year clean at the time...
I myself have attempted suicide 2 or 3 times in my life and even tho i don't drink anymore i will periodically cut myself and avert my eyes when seeing razor bladed box cutters in the store as i would a row of glittering beckoning bottles...
Tho sober/dry my thoughts daily are flooded with suicidal fantasies...the only catch being that i got to figure out a way of doing it without drinking....just as the cowboy vows to die with his boots on....this recovering alcoholic vows to die sober...
Anyhow.....here i am.....on the phone...pleading with my old friend who had a pretty horrific childhood filled with sexual abuse by his father and as an officer in the US Army having been sent to Vietnam...where he encountered traumatic experiences of another nature.....begging him not to take his life....telling him i how i loved him and couldn't stand the loss..
But inside i am thinking.....yeah dude....i am about to do the deep six myself
and i don't really care who if any is gonna mourn my loss as i am in so much
pain i don't care anymore...
I am just a fake....sorry
MARY,
PLEASE KNOW THAT PEOPLE LOVE YOU AND CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IM A VIET NAM VET AND AN ADDICT NAMED KELLY PLEASE HANG ON
PLEASE KNOW THAT PEOPLE LOVE YOU AND CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IM A VIET NAM VET AND AN ADDICT NAMED KELLY PLEASE HANG ON
Kell188
Thank you for your kind words....although i was in the US Army i am not a combat veteran....but have encountered many Vietnam vets in various recovery
groups held at the local VA hospital....very few of them however ever really touch
upon the subject of their experiences during their tours in Vietnam....but the
ghosts of that war still remain with them and tho back in the real world of present day....sometimes i get the feeling as an objective observer that they are still fighting the demons of that war on a different level but now the enemy is within themselves and even more difficult to target
My upstair's neighbor is a former Captain that did 2 tours in Vietnam and oft times boasts of having no nightmares and tends to look down on other combat vets seeking treatment and service connection due to the trauma they suffered while in Vietnam.....but how many times has this proud officer when drunk or stoned found himself on my front steps...sobbing uncontrollably...reliving the sorrow of holding his dying men in his arms and wishing it had been he instead of them...
Yeah, Kelly....you....my friend on the phone....my friend upstairs have been thru hell and back and of course i believe that if anybody should hold life dear and want to live...it is all of you.....and that ain't no fake
but i don't and yes i am a coward....MARY
Thank you for your kind words....although i was in the US Army i am not a combat veteran....but have encountered many Vietnam vets in various recovery
groups held at the local VA hospital....very few of them however ever really touch
upon the subject of their experiences during their tours in Vietnam....but the
ghosts of that war still remain with them and tho back in the real world of present day....sometimes i get the feeling as an objective observer that they are still fighting the demons of that war on a different level but now the enemy is within themselves and even more difficult to target
My upstair's neighbor is a former Captain that did 2 tours in Vietnam and oft times boasts of having no nightmares and tends to look down on other combat vets seeking treatment and service connection due to the trauma they suffered while in Vietnam.....but how many times has this proud officer when drunk or stoned found himself on my front steps...sobbing uncontrollably...reliving the sorrow of holding his dying men in his arms and wishing it had been he instead of them...
Yeah, Kelly....you....my friend on the phone....my friend upstairs have been thru hell and back and of course i believe that if anybody should hold life dear and want to live...it is all of you.....and that ain't no fake
but i don't and yes i am a coward....MARY
MARY,
PLEASE DONT GO THERE. AND YES YOURE RIGHT I CARRIED THE DEMONS OF VIET NAM WITH ME THRU 25 YEARS OF SHOOTING DOPE. BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME I DIDNT KNOW OF. I SPENT 10 YEARS IN LAW ENFORCEMENT WHEN I GOT BACK AND THE VIOLENCE CONTINUED FOR MANY YEARS NOT UNTIL I GOT INTO THE ROOMS OF NA DID I FIND PEACE AND ONLY THRU WORKING THE TWELVE STEPS OF THIS PROGRAM. SO PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME AND WELL SORT IT OUT AND ADDICT NAMED KELLY
PLEASE DONT GO THERE. AND YES YOURE RIGHT I CARRIED THE DEMONS OF VIET NAM WITH ME THRU 25 YEARS OF SHOOTING DOPE. BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME I DIDNT KNOW OF. I SPENT 10 YEARS IN LAW ENFORCEMENT WHEN I GOT BACK AND THE VIOLENCE CONTINUED FOR MANY YEARS NOT UNTIL I GOT INTO THE ROOMS OF NA DID I FIND PEACE AND ONLY THRU WORKING THE TWELVE STEPS OF THIS PROGRAM. SO PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME AND WELL SORT IT OUT AND ADDICT NAMED KELLY
Mary & Kelly:
Wow, I am truly touched by your pain. I honestly can't imagine what you have experienced, but I can tell you that your posts on this board can help many of us loved ones better understand addiction and suffering.
But don't end your life!!! As terrible as your experience on this planet may be. Your time is not determined by you. You do have a purpose here, and it's not suffering. Mary, have you ever thought about looking within youself to find your spirituality to help you cope with this. You had no control over what happend, you were just part of the experience, as terible as it may have been. I know that you have been sober for 17 yrs, so I am sure that you have likely tried everything to get rid of these feelings. I can oly provide suggestions if you have not already thougtht of them.
Have you ever thought that your purpose on this planet is to help others go through what you have just experienced? Helping other people is one of the most rewarding gifts you can give yourself, it heals the soul. I hope that you have therapy, if not, maybe consider it.
I believe suicide is not the answer for our souls, I honestly believe, if we do something as haneous as this to our souls, we come back to this planet only to live it all over again - do you really want that?? If you have any spiritual inclinations, USE THEM!!!
A very good phrase to use when you are down is to repeat over and over "I am God and I love myself". We are all part of a bigger purpose, this reality we are living, is only just part of the experience. Unfortunately, yours is a doozy, but I honestly believe that God only gives us what we can handle and you are a warrior!!
Wow, I am truly touched by your pain. I honestly can't imagine what you have experienced, but I can tell you that your posts on this board can help many of us loved ones better understand addiction and suffering.
But don't end your life!!! As terrible as your experience on this planet may be. Your time is not determined by you. You do have a purpose here, and it's not suffering. Mary, have you ever thought about looking within youself to find your spirituality to help you cope with this. You had no control over what happend, you were just part of the experience, as terible as it may have been. I know that you have been sober for 17 yrs, so I am sure that you have likely tried everything to get rid of these feelings. I can oly provide suggestions if you have not already thougtht of them.
Have you ever thought that your purpose on this planet is to help others go through what you have just experienced? Helping other people is one of the most rewarding gifts you can give yourself, it heals the soul. I hope that you have therapy, if not, maybe consider it.
I believe suicide is not the answer for our souls, I honestly believe, if we do something as haneous as this to our souls, we come back to this planet only to live it all over again - do you really want that?? If you have any spiritual inclinations, USE THEM!!!
A very good phrase to use when you are down is to repeat over and over "I am God and I love myself". We are all part of a bigger purpose, this reality we are living, is only just part of the experience. Unfortunately, yours is a doozy, but I honestly believe that God only gives us what we can handle and you are a warrior!!
GABRIEL,
MY DEMONS WERE MADE POWERLESS WHEN I WORKED STEPS 4 AND FIVE THEY NO LONGER HAVE THAT POWER OVER ME I CAN LOOK BACK AND SEE THEM BUT I NO LONGER CARRY THEM WITH ME AND THAT IS WHAT IM TRYING TO GET MARYTO SEE THERE IS HOPE
MY DEMONS WERE MADE POWERLESS WHEN I WORKED STEPS 4 AND FIVE THEY NO LONGER HAVE THAT POWER OVER ME I CAN LOOK BACK AND SEE THEM BUT I NO LONGER CARRY THEM WITH ME AND THAT IS WHAT IM TRYING TO GET MARYTO SEE THERE IS HOPE
Once again i must reiterate that i was not in Vietnam myself tho i have been to the Wall with a boyfriend that lost his brother in that war and it is quite eerie and unsettling as one scans the row upon row of the listed combat dead to see one's own darkened reflection cast back from the mirrored stone surface upon which the names are tallied.....the dead and the living merging into one
"Gone but not forgotten"
That friend that i wrote about earlier....leaving that message on my answering machine talking about being in a dark place was a lieutenant in that war....with Intelligence...used to go out into the field with a few men waiting for a connection with CIA for secret orders only he was to be privy to....telling me that these soldiers he was with in the field had been ordered to shoot him should they be captured by the enemy during a suprise attack....of course the inevitable happened but.....shouldn't be writing about his personal accounts and how can a fake like me cast any light into that dark place he talked about as i think he was right back there in the field mentally even tho he was talking into my answering machine....
I dunno mayhaps he deems me strong cause of all the sobriety i have maintained over the years.....but then again might have been a different story if i brought a habit back from the war.....not to mention the war with the habit as well......
gotta go....feeling bummed....sorry if i have offended any vets
MARY
"Gone but not forgotten"
That friend that i wrote about earlier....leaving that message on my answering machine talking about being in a dark place was a lieutenant in that war....with Intelligence...used to go out into the field with a few men waiting for a connection with CIA for secret orders only he was to be privy to....telling me that these soldiers he was with in the field had been ordered to shoot him should they be captured by the enemy during a suprise attack....of course the inevitable happened but.....shouldn't be writing about his personal accounts and how can a fake like me cast any light into that dark place he talked about as i think he was right back there in the field mentally even tho he was talking into my answering machine....
I dunno mayhaps he deems me strong cause of all the sobriety i have maintained over the years.....but then again might have been a different story if i brought a habit back from the war.....not to mention the war with the habit as well......
gotta go....feeling bummed....sorry if i have offended any vets
MARY
DONT LEAVE MARY EMAIL ME AT KELL188@YAHOO.COM
Mary,
Don't leave, try not to feel bummed!!! Be proud of yourself that you are strong enough to help people like him get out of hard times. Remember, you are here for a reason, be proud of that and that you've accomplished!!!
Don't leave, try not to feel bummed!!! Be proud of yourself that you are strong enough to help people like him get out of hard times. Remember, you are here for a reason, be proud of that and that you've accomplished!!!
Gabriel
I don't know if i have helped him....his voice mail is full....probably with all the messages left by his ex girlfriend......his brother who had also served in Vietnam came home a shattered version of his former self and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him back together again...i guess my friend's brother became a virtual shut in and after he set himself and the house he dwelled in on fire....charred journals were found after his death that he scribbled in daily....tho once again it is not my place to expound on the nature of his writings...
Besides this is a Recovery Board about addictions not for those suffering from combat PTSD and how can i help another combat vet if i myself was not enlisted during a combat era...
I was posting on the Recovery Board dealing with heroin as my boyfriend has been addicted to it for over 23 yrs but he hadn't served in Vietnam either although his brother died over there.....i am not or ever was a heroin addict
On that particular board....despite some sound advice i received from others in the beginning....towards the end i got the feeling that i was being nudged out by the regulars and their heroin coffee talk banter....
Didn't really read about anyone tracing their heroin habits back during their tours in Vietnam....
"Mary get ready...there's a train a coming....don't need no ticket
ya just get on board".........pray for me
I don't know if i have helped him....his voice mail is full....probably with all the messages left by his ex girlfriend......his brother who had also served in Vietnam came home a shattered version of his former self and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him back together again...i guess my friend's brother became a virtual shut in and after he set himself and the house he dwelled in on fire....charred journals were found after his death that he scribbled in daily....tho once again it is not my place to expound on the nature of his writings...
Besides this is a Recovery Board about addictions not for those suffering from combat PTSD and how can i help another combat vet if i myself was not enlisted during a combat era...
I was posting on the Recovery Board dealing with heroin as my boyfriend has been addicted to it for over 23 yrs but he hadn't served in Vietnam either although his brother died over there.....i am not or ever was a heroin addict
On that particular board....despite some sound advice i received from others in the beginning....towards the end i got the feeling that i was being nudged out by the regulars and their heroin coffee talk banter....
Didn't really read about anyone tracing their heroin habits back during their tours in Vietnam....
"Mary get ready...there's a train a coming....don't need no ticket
ya just get on board".........pray for me
KELL188
At the risk of sounding unfeeling....AA is not to the VA as NA is not to the VC.......i applaud your strength in maintaining your sobriety but some of the Vietnam Vets i have met might have kicked the heroin but the demons still remain and a separate issue apart from their addiction....they didn't go to Vietnam as heroin addicts or to fight their addictions......
i am sorry.....don't mean to pontificate on a subject i have little
experience with.....i am just so f...ing depressed and lost
MARY
At the risk of sounding unfeeling....AA is not to the VA as NA is not to the VC.......i applaud your strength in maintaining your sobriety but some of the Vietnam Vets i have met might have kicked the heroin but the demons still remain and a separate issue apart from their addiction....they didn't go to Vietnam as heroin addicts or to fight their addictions......
i am sorry.....don't mean to pontificate on a subject i have little
experience with.....i am just so f...ing depressed and lost
MARY
Don't do it that often but when the emotional pain gets too much i have to cut..
I make a point of not keeping razor blades on hand so i had to use an old knife and its blade was pretty dull but i sawed away until i broke skin and i think was cutting for other's sorrow as well as my own.....
The rocket's red glare....bombs bursting in air....and me in that "dark place" with my friend....him out in the rice paddies and me hacking away at the kitchen sink......Jesus Christ was better at this suffering thing....gotta leave the saving work to him......MARY
I make a point of not keeping razor blades on hand so i had to use an old knife and its blade was pretty dull but i sawed away until i broke skin and i think was cutting for other's sorrow as well as my own.....
The rocket's red glare....bombs bursting in air....and me in that "dark place" with my friend....him out in the rice paddies and me hacking away at the kitchen sink......Jesus Christ was better at this suffering thing....gotta leave the saving work to him......MARY
Mary
I attempted suicide many times also - sober and drunk - i am so glad i didnt - my kids were yourner at the time - and i see all that if would have missed. I have a friend who is like your and has gone through many problems iin her life - she is what is termed a cutter like you - she gets treatment through phyciatrists and phycologists who help her get through it - today i now see the greatest change in that girl and she has long stopped cutting - She told me she felt great when she cut as she felt all the bad things were coming out of her - and she did not like herself - mary you need to get some medical attention as soon as you can
lots of love
rosy
I attempted suicide many times also - sober and drunk - i am so glad i didnt - my kids were yourner at the time - and i see all that if would have missed. I have a friend who is like your and has gone through many problems iin her life - she is what is termed a cutter like you - she gets treatment through phyciatrists and phycologists who help her get through it - today i now see the greatest change in that girl and she has long stopped cutting - She told me she felt great when she cut as she felt all the bad things were coming out of her - and she did not like herself - mary you need to get some medical attention as soon as you can
lots of love
rosy
Hey mary
I used to cut myself whenever I got upset, but I finally realised that I only did it so that I could show the person who upset me that they have hurt me. I never used to show them the cuts, but I used to know that they were there and it was a kind of comfort to me knowing that I have a secret that noone else knows about. So it was actually such a stupid thing to do because they never even knew - my mentality was so buggered! But I came to realise that it was just a substitution for taking drugs. I was hiding it the same way as I was hiding the drugs when I was doing them. I haven't cut myself in about 8 months or so now, but I have a terrible scar on my one wrist which will always be a reminder of the sh*t place that I was once at. Don't do it Mary cos nothing good will ever come of it. You will probably even be so ashamed of the scars the next day and regret it completely, I do.
Keep well. Ang
I used to cut myself whenever I got upset, but I finally realised that I only did it so that I could show the person who upset me that they have hurt me. I never used to show them the cuts, but I used to know that they were there and it was a kind of comfort to me knowing that I have a secret that noone else knows about. So it was actually such a stupid thing to do because they never even knew - my mentality was so buggered! But I came to realise that it was just a substitution for taking drugs. I was hiding it the same way as I was hiding the drugs when I was doing them. I haven't cut myself in about 8 months or so now, but I have a terrible scar on my one wrist which will always be a reminder of the sh*t place that I was once at. Don't do it Mary cos nothing good will ever come of it. You will probably even be so ashamed of the scars the next day and regret it completely, I do.
Keep well. Ang
Dear Angie SA
Thank you for your encouraging reply......it has been an extremely bad week and i am really ashamed of myself for cutting as i haven't done that for a time now.....and the blade itself was dull worn from constant kitchen use but the sensation it imparted makes me itch for the sharpness of a new razor blade's edge.....kinda like when i was drinking.....vodka being my drink of choice and i thought if i substituted beer instead it would lessen my craving for the vodka....but it never worked....i went right back to the vodka......
That is why i never bought my bf's crap about substituting pot for heroin and he living with an old heroin supplier dealer and she having a major heroin/methadone habit while he resided there for a year before the place was busted and he presently into a month of a 5 yr probation for a reduced sentence of drug trafficking to drug possession....she gave him up to save her own skin but he in turn snitched her out to get a reduced sentence..
The reason i am cutting is because he went from one weekend really needing me to be over at his place for the 4th of July weekend to calling at the end of the week....sounding very bummed and slurred but i hope he had just a beer with a dude whose cell phone he was using....as i couldn't get to the machine in time....he leaves this message telling me to stay where i am at...not to mess with him on the weekend....talking about some gut feeling he had about me and my next door neighbor who he knows i have no attraction to...almost inferring that i was a w**** he wanted no part of.....it was like he was picking the worst thing he could come up with to ensure that i would not go over to his place.....ironically he had come back from a meeting with his probation officer and somehow i think his bummed out mood had something to do with that and i haven't heard from him since....
One part of me thinks there is a another woman but the inner experienced voice is thinking he was going to use this weekend but then again he is on probation...but an old 23 yr heroin habit not to mention he has dealt drugs and has 5 felonies and has done 13 yrs in prison...wouldn't really scare an old addict like him just cause he is on probation would it ???
One thing i am honest about is my sobriety and my morality and that is why he was attracted to me in the first place....so he thinking me sleeping around has totally pushed me over the edge....he is the one with Hep C
Why this sudden switch up in his attitude towards me and threatening me not to come over when the week before he was calling alot and said he was lonely as now he can't hang out with his drug buddies and he ain't really into the AA meetings he has to attend(he won't go to NA and he isn't a alcoholic)....but he lives in a drug infested neighborhood where he used to cop in the past and young kids sell crack on the sidewalk in broad daylight..
I don't know what i did wrong and i feel like such a piece of crap and i don't want to break my over 17 yrs of sobriety so i have to cut and i am so sick and dependent on this man that i can't take it anymore and i am not a slut and oh screw.....i gotta go to do some slicing...sorry
MARY
Thank you for your encouraging reply......it has been an extremely bad week and i am really ashamed of myself for cutting as i haven't done that for a time now.....and the blade itself was dull worn from constant kitchen use but the sensation it imparted makes me itch for the sharpness of a new razor blade's edge.....kinda like when i was drinking.....vodka being my drink of choice and i thought if i substituted beer instead it would lessen my craving for the vodka....but it never worked....i went right back to the vodka......
That is why i never bought my bf's crap about substituting pot for heroin and he living with an old heroin supplier dealer and she having a major heroin/methadone habit while he resided there for a year before the place was busted and he presently into a month of a 5 yr probation for a reduced sentence of drug trafficking to drug possession....she gave him up to save her own skin but he in turn snitched her out to get a reduced sentence..
The reason i am cutting is because he went from one weekend really needing me to be over at his place for the 4th of July weekend to calling at the end of the week....sounding very bummed and slurred but i hope he had just a beer with a dude whose cell phone he was using....as i couldn't get to the machine in time....he leaves this message telling me to stay where i am at...not to mess with him on the weekend....talking about some gut feeling he had about me and my next door neighbor who he knows i have no attraction to...almost inferring that i was a w**** he wanted no part of.....it was like he was picking the worst thing he could come up with to ensure that i would not go over to his place.....ironically he had come back from a meeting with his probation officer and somehow i think his bummed out mood had something to do with that and i haven't heard from him since....
One part of me thinks there is a another woman but the inner experienced voice is thinking he was going to use this weekend but then again he is on probation...but an old 23 yr heroin habit not to mention he has dealt drugs and has 5 felonies and has done 13 yrs in prison...wouldn't really scare an old addict like him just cause he is on probation would it ???
One thing i am honest about is my sobriety and my morality and that is why he was attracted to me in the first place....so he thinking me sleeping around has totally pushed me over the edge....he is the one with Hep C
Why this sudden switch up in his attitude towards me and threatening me not to come over when the week before he was calling alot and said he was lonely as now he can't hang out with his drug buddies and he ain't really into the AA meetings he has to attend(he won't go to NA and he isn't a alcoholic)....but he lives in a drug infested neighborhood where he used to cop in the past and young kids sell crack on the sidewalk in broad daylight..
I don't know what i did wrong and i feel like such a piece of crap and i don't want to break my over 17 yrs of sobriety so i have to cut and i am so sick and dependent on this man that i can't take it anymore and i am not a slut and oh screw.....i gotta go to do some slicing...sorry
MARY
Mary. Please don't. I PROMISE THAT ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD WILL COME OF DOING IT. You might not want to do drugs again, so you'd rather cut yourself, but Mary, cutting is an addiction just a mental one, not physical one.
Its just substitution. Please Mary. It's just like taking a drug, only if anyone asks, "oh no, I am clean".
Don't lie to yourself. It will leave you scarred and very unhappy. You might think you will get sympathy from people who you are angry with, because that's what I thought, but all I ever got from them was, "stop being so stupid". So quite honestly you aren't gonna get any good out of doing it.
Please don't hurt yourself.
Thoughts are with you, Angie
Its just substitution. Please Mary. It's just like taking a drug, only if anyone asks, "oh no, I am clean".
Don't lie to yourself. It will leave you scarred and very unhappy. You might think you will get sympathy from people who you are angry with, because that's what I thought, but all I ever got from them was, "stop being so stupid". So quite honestly you aren't gonna get any good out of doing it.
Please don't hurt yourself.
Thoughts are with you, Angie
My thoughts are with you too, Mary.
Nancy
Nancy
Dear Angie and Nancy,
Dear friends.....i am not a recovering drug addict....nor did i ever do or want to do Heroin....i am seventeen years clean from alcohol....i did smoke pot back then too but it made me too paranoid after a time so i just stayed with the alcohol....having read other posts written by the two of you...especially dealing with Heroin then maybe you can help me out here...sometimes i feel that on the the board devoted to just Heroin abuse that if you ain't a heroin addict yourself then you are kind of an outsider and not one of the regulars and if you haven't been there or are still there then you are not taken very seriously.....it seems like a very hard addiction to beat and has more potential for relapse than alcoholism....and i gotta say that when i was drinking i was not as ruthless and cruel in my cups as my bf was/is?? when the heroin cravings were shaking his tree..
Why am i cutting.....and my bf who hasn't called me doesn't even know or would care....hit me broadside with that very "cutting" insinuation he left on my answering machine about having his doubts about my fidelity as i wasn't there to pick up the phone whereas the weekend before he was loving and needing me....
I hate not knowing why he did that....was he getting rid of me to bang some chick over the weekend or to do some recreational heroin maybe thinking that if he just had a probation appointment this last Thursday then he was in the clear to dabble over the holiday weekend.....but he is on probation and claims he hasn't done heroin for 2 yrs and i know he is lying about that...
and what is going on with him that he would risk it....all i know he has become very paranoid in his thinking now that he is "sober"....always at the ready with an open hunting knife in his pocket cause he thinks cars are slowing down to check him out......he was actually talking about taking out the judge, defense lawyer, prosecutor, the detectives etc. involved in his case either thru his own or other methods....i don't know if he is just full of crap or should i maybe alert someone to this stuff.....since he's been "sober" he is getting into more fights at work.....he continues to hang with old drug buddies even at places he thinks the police have under surveillance....and actually went back to where he was living with the drug dealer when the place was raided and he got arrested to allay her possible fears that he might do something to her cause she gave him up...
Something is very wrong here.....this doesn't sound like a sober loving person to me and for him to accuse me of being practically a w**** in front of his drunken friend was very unlike him...
So cutting and the pain involved feels real to me right now and it is a form of expiation for this crime that my bf thinks i committed and i feel dirty and unloved and i have never committed a crime or been to jail or have been in any trouble with the law and never sold or did hard drugs and never cheated on anyone and still have all this sobriety and i never thought about taking someone's life except my own or carry a knife or think that or never see these car loads full of evil men waiting to spring out and accost my bf and myself when we are in broad daylight and pleeze guys.....why is he like this in sobriety and is he getting high or is there but i don't think there is another chick....i am always paying his way as he doesn't have any money and hasn't even paid any of his court costs yet and lives in a dead mouse infested house in a drug infested neighborhood so how could he afford a new girlfriend ????
Somebody tell me something....cause i am going nutz
luv MARY
Dear friends.....i am not a recovering drug addict....nor did i ever do or want to do Heroin....i am seventeen years clean from alcohol....i did smoke pot back then too but it made me too paranoid after a time so i just stayed with the alcohol....having read other posts written by the two of you...especially dealing with Heroin then maybe you can help me out here...sometimes i feel that on the the board devoted to just Heroin abuse that if you ain't a heroin addict yourself then you are kind of an outsider and not one of the regulars and if you haven't been there or are still there then you are not taken very seriously.....it seems like a very hard addiction to beat and has more potential for relapse than alcoholism....and i gotta say that when i was drinking i was not as ruthless and cruel in my cups as my bf was/is?? when the heroin cravings were shaking his tree..
Why am i cutting.....and my bf who hasn't called me doesn't even know or would care....hit me broadside with that very "cutting" insinuation he left on my answering machine about having his doubts about my fidelity as i wasn't there to pick up the phone whereas the weekend before he was loving and needing me....
I hate not knowing why he did that....was he getting rid of me to bang some chick over the weekend or to do some recreational heroin maybe thinking that if he just had a probation appointment this last Thursday then he was in the clear to dabble over the holiday weekend.....but he is on probation and claims he hasn't done heroin for 2 yrs and i know he is lying about that...
and what is going on with him that he would risk it....all i know he has become very paranoid in his thinking now that he is "sober"....always at the ready with an open hunting knife in his pocket cause he thinks cars are slowing down to check him out......he was actually talking about taking out the judge, defense lawyer, prosecutor, the detectives etc. involved in his case either thru his own or other methods....i don't know if he is just full of crap or should i maybe alert someone to this stuff.....since he's been "sober" he is getting into more fights at work.....he continues to hang with old drug buddies even at places he thinks the police have under surveillance....and actually went back to where he was living with the drug dealer when the place was raided and he got arrested to allay her possible fears that he might do something to her cause she gave him up...
Something is very wrong here.....this doesn't sound like a sober loving person to me and for him to accuse me of being practically a w**** in front of his drunken friend was very unlike him...
So cutting and the pain involved feels real to me right now and it is a form of expiation for this crime that my bf thinks i committed and i feel dirty and unloved and i have never committed a crime or been to jail or have been in any trouble with the law and never sold or did hard drugs and never cheated on anyone and still have all this sobriety and i never thought about taking someone's life except my own or carry a knife or think that or never see these car loads full of evil men waiting to spring out and accost my bf and myself when we are in broad daylight and pleeze guys.....why is he like this in sobriety and is he getting high or is there but i don't think there is another chick....i am always paying his way as he doesn't have any money and hasn't even paid any of his court costs yet and lives in a dead mouse infested house in a drug infested neighborhood so how could he afford a new girlfriend ????
Somebody tell me something....cause i am going nutz
luv MARY
MARY IF YOURE HERE PLEASE EMAIL ME ID LIKE TO TALK WITH YOU OFF THIS SITE. KELLY
Sweetie
This guy is so not worth it if he makes you want to do things to hurt yourself. Trust me, I do know that. I was stuck with an alcoholic for a boyfriend and everytime he screwed up or made me upset, he would make it out to be my own fault. Then I would say that I deserve to cut myself. But Mary, I tell you something, noone who loves or deserves to be with you if they make you feel that terrible. How does cutting REALLY help you. If you can give me a really god reason for cutting yourself that will make you happy for the rest of your life for doing it, then I really don't know. If you are glad the next day that you cut yourself, then I will feel differently. But I don't believe that you are glad the next day when the drama is over. I'm pretty sure you regret it. Please take care of yourself and ditch this loser, because he is starting to really p*ss me off for doingf this to you, even though I don't even know him.
I didn't think that this kinda thing could make me so upset, but it really has. Hell, I don't even know you, yet I can see myself in you.
Be strong Mary.
Ang
This guy is so not worth it if he makes you want to do things to hurt yourself. Trust me, I do know that. I was stuck with an alcoholic for a boyfriend and everytime he screwed up or made me upset, he would make it out to be my own fault. Then I would say that I deserve to cut myself. But Mary, I tell you something, noone who loves or deserves to be with you if they make you feel that terrible. How does cutting REALLY help you. If you can give me a really god reason for cutting yourself that will make you happy for the rest of your life for doing it, then I really don't know. If you are glad the next day that you cut yourself, then I will feel differently. But I don't believe that you are glad the next day when the drama is over. I'm pretty sure you regret it. Please take care of yourself and ditch this loser, because he is starting to really p*ss me off for doingf this to you, even though I don't even know him.
I didn't think that this kinda thing could make me so upset, but it really has. Hell, I don't even know you, yet I can see myself in you.
Be strong Mary.
Ang
