Dear Angie
i know i know i know i know i know....i was reading Talula's thread on the other Board saying how she finally left her bf after 7 yrs and someone wrote that the fact that her bf wasn't really abusive probably made it harder for her to leave....
the fact that my bf is abusive and has the ability to mind-f*** me makes it harder for me to leave....unlike Talula who is leaving knowing that she is loved and will be missed which attests to her worth and goodness....if i left tho actually i am getting the boot here....i will be despised and replaced and feel worthless and trashy....kinda like i am feeling while in this relationship anyway so who is going to want me ??? and why does he do this to just me??
Angie....once again please let me know do you think he is accusing me of cheating cause he was getting ready to do the same over this past weekend or did he have plans to use despite being on probation and said the worst possible thing to keep me from coming over and finding out..
I will tell you i don't think it was another woman....my gut is pointing towards heroin but he is on probation.....Oh God please let him get busted and sent to prison where he deserves to be....cause he was guilty of the original charge of drug trafficking as i heard and seen things but i was scared to death to get involved and he would kill me if i ever testified against him and he sold to minors and now he gets off with just 5 years of probation....What is God sleeping or what ?????
i can't stop cutting....my salvation would be his incarceration but that ain't about to happen any time soon.....luv MARY
Mary, come on girl. I am the one that has given up. As with most people I think you just don't want to be alone anymore. So you tolerate the problem so you can have someone even if it means depression or a few black eyes or so. Mary, lets talk OK?
So far I have found you very interesting. I am so sorry that I have the problems that I have. But, I know this. If someone came into my life and I wanted that person enough to be a part of me, I'd clean up.
So far I have found you very interesting. I am so sorry that I have the problems that I have. But, I know this. If someone came into my life and I wanted that person enough to be a part of me, I'd clean up.
Garry is that you or your brother Harley...i am totally confused and Angie are you out there as well ????
Hi Mary
Just got to work now. Mary, I don't know him so I can't say whether he wants to cheat or not, but the fact that you can't trust him is reason enough to leave him anyway. You know how many hours of your life can get wasted on worrying about someone else who, quite honestly doesn't deserve it. You start to miss out on all the great things around you because this person becomes your main focus. Don't waste your time Mary. You could turn around and tell me "How can you say that? You don't know how hard it is to leave him." But Mary, I do. I've been there.
You deserve better than him wasting all your precious time, because there is a hell of a lot more that you could be doing than worrying about someone else. You can only help you. Think about it. Ang
Just got to work now. Mary, I don't know him so I can't say whether he wants to cheat or not, but the fact that you can't trust him is reason enough to leave him anyway. You know how many hours of your life can get wasted on worrying about someone else who, quite honestly doesn't deserve it. You start to miss out on all the great things around you because this person becomes your main focus. Don't waste your time Mary. You could turn around and tell me "How can you say that? You don't know how hard it is to leave him." But Mary, I do. I've been there.
You deserve better than him wasting all your precious time, because there is a hell of a lot more that you could be doing than worrying about someone else. You can only help you. Think about it. Ang
Dear Harley and Angie
I am desperate lonely and ashamed and about to give up (my life) as i am tired of feeling this way.....and Harley you know that you have to want to stop using and not think some magical great person walking into your life is gonna do it.....because until you do stop using....the kind of wholesome loving partner you are seeking will be to afraid of your addiction to want to approach and besides if you are high you wouldn't even be aware that she was standing right in front of you,,,
What is really sad for me is that i am still a wholesome loving decent person as when my bf first met me and what he loved in me back then he holds in contempt now.....and way early on when i posted my first thread some "guest" simply wrote..."clearly he hates you because you are sober and he's not".....and that dude was right cause in my bf eyes that's what makes me strong and just magnifies his weakness and he can't let that happen so that is why he has to break me down mentally and physically.....and he is getting there but he ain't gonna make me drink.....i won't give him that satisfaction at least.....cause yeah i am desperate and lonely but he ain't worth giving up my sobriety....and it really is the loneliness and desperation that wants me to off myself.....not the loss of his love cause a lover or a friend would not treat me this way and i can't talk to him as i do you guys and if i don't kill myself than eventually he will if i let him move back and because i never press charges against him i must live with the fact that if indeed he is cheating then that woman's life will become endangered and i could have prevented that...
I know he used last weekend...probation or not and i haven't heard from him still and i hope for his sake he hasn't used cause he is just starting that monkey on his back and now he has the law on his back..
Thank you for being there for me guys....luv MARY
I am desperate lonely and ashamed and about to give up (my life) as i am tired of feeling this way.....and Harley you know that you have to want to stop using and not think some magical great person walking into your life is gonna do it.....because until you do stop using....the kind of wholesome loving partner you are seeking will be to afraid of your addiction to want to approach and besides if you are high you wouldn't even be aware that she was standing right in front of you,,,
What is really sad for me is that i am still a wholesome loving decent person as when my bf first met me and what he loved in me back then he holds in contempt now.....and way early on when i posted my first thread some "guest" simply wrote..."clearly he hates you because you are sober and he's not".....and that dude was right cause in my bf eyes that's what makes me strong and just magnifies his weakness and he can't let that happen so that is why he has to break me down mentally and physically.....and he is getting there but he ain't gonna make me drink.....i won't give him that satisfaction at least.....cause yeah i am desperate and lonely but he ain't worth giving up my sobriety....and it really is the loneliness and desperation that wants me to off myself.....not the loss of his love cause a lover or a friend would not treat me this way and i can't talk to him as i do you guys and if i don't kill myself than eventually he will if i let him move back and because i never press charges against him i must live with the fact that if indeed he is cheating then that woman's life will become endangered and i could have prevented that...
I know he used last weekend...probation or not and i haven't heard from him still and i hope for his sake he hasn't used cause he is just starting that monkey on his back and now he has the law on his back..
Thank you for being there for me guys....luv MARY
Mary, I think you know the next right thing to do. There's nothing much more I can say to you because you said it all for me above. Be strong sweeti. I know you got so much more to do and this guy is holding you back.
Never forget to do the next right thing.. Love, your friend, Angie
Never forget to do the next right thing.. Love, your friend, Angie
Never forget to do the next right thing.. Love, your friend, Angie
Dear Angie,
I am going to do the next best thing but it not be the right thing..
I won't forget you.....Love your friend, Mary
Dear Angie,
I am going to do the next best thing but it not be the right thing..
I won't forget you.....Love your friend, Mary
Mary???
Where u been?
We would all love to hear from you.
Hope you okay...
Angie
Where u been?
We would all love to hear from you.
Hope you okay...
Angie
Dear Angie SA
I had gotten to the point of no return and overdosed on my prescribed Klonopin....but unfortunately i eventually came to and upon meeting with my VA counselor i apprised her of what i did and begged her not to admit me to the hospital and she didn't only on the condition that i call someone before i think about doing that again..
I haven't heard from the bf and i use that term loosely now in 2 weeks and i feel as if i am going thru this terrible withdrawal and it gets so bad that as with any addiction...i opted to overdose and not feel anymore rather than struggle..
I am filled with self recrimination and would write him a letter of apology but i don't know what to apologize for anymore and his accusations of possible infidelity on my part has been too much to bear.....He that has never barely seen a drug free day in the 4 yrs i have known him....selling drugs...lying about it all and putting me at risk for HIV as he is Hep C positive as it is.....telling people in AA he is 2 yrs clean from heroin which is total bullcrappy and then drinking a beer or two afterwards with a former drug supplier and leaving a mean threatening message as to how he thought i was cheating with my neighbor cause i didn't pick up the phone....i was in the bathroom..
How can a man who says he loves you and knows you for 4 years just leave such a cruel message and then just not call for 2 weeks ??
My girlfriend from the VA (Veterans Administration) thinks despite his being on probation he might be abusing and i know from the past that he would always create some kind of conflict so he could be out of the picture and not have to say it was drug related which it always was....it could be another woman but if she would sleep with him in less than a week what kind of morals does she have and how dare he accuse me of infidelity...
I am so sick and lonely that i want to run over there and confront him where he lives but i remembered his threatening message and i hate that neighborhood as there is dealing to the left and right of you openly on the sidewalks....crack whores roaming the streets and former tenants that still abuse frequent his house to try to get some money from the sober but schizophrenic landlord....How can a long standing heroin addict stay clean in a neighborhood like that without being tempted and if he was serious about sobriety would he be drinking beer right after his AA meeting ??
Why does he hate me so....he has put me through so much and i have remained sober and i think i am a good moral person and if he hangs out with these users and abusers...why wouldn't he at least want me as a friend? I am getting depressed again...i better sign off now
love to you all but not me....MARY
I had gotten to the point of no return and overdosed on my prescribed Klonopin....but unfortunately i eventually came to and upon meeting with my VA counselor i apprised her of what i did and begged her not to admit me to the hospital and she didn't only on the condition that i call someone before i think about doing that again..
I haven't heard from the bf and i use that term loosely now in 2 weeks and i feel as if i am going thru this terrible withdrawal and it gets so bad that as with any addiction...i opted to overdose and not feel anymore rather than struggle..
I am filled with self recrimination and would write him a letter of apology but i don't know what to apologize for anymore and his accusations of possible infidelity on my part has been too much to bear.....He that has never barely seen a drug free day in the 4 yrs i have known him....selling drugs...lying about it all and putting me at risk for HIV as he is Hep C positive as it is.....telling people in AA he is 2 yrs clean from heroin which is total bullcrappy and then drinking a beer or two afterwards with a former drug supplier and leaving a mean threatening message as to how he thought i was cheating with my neighbor cause i didn't pick up the phone....i was in the bathroom..
How can a man who says he loves you and knows you for 4 years just leave such a cruel message and then just not call for 2 weeks ??
My girlfriend from the VA (Veterans Administration) thinks despite his being on probation he might be abusing and i know from the past that he would always create some kind of conflict so he could be out of the picture and not have to say it was drug related which it always was....it could be another woman but if she would sleep with him in less than a week what kind of morals does she have and how dare he accuse me of infidelity...
I am so sick and lonely that i want to run over there and confront him where he lives but i remembered his threatening message and i hate that neighborhood as there is dealing to the left and right of you openly on the sidewalks....crack whores roaming the streets and former tenants that still abuse frequent his house to try to get some money from the sober but schizophrenic landlord....How can a long standing heroin addict stay clean in a neighborhood like that without being tempted and if he was serious about sobriety would he be drinking beer right after his AA meeting ??
Why does he hate me so....he has put me through so much and i have remained sober and i think i am a good moral person and if he hangs out with these users and abusers...why wouldn't he at least want me as a friend? I am getting depressed again...i better sign off now
love to you all but not me....MARY
Mary, do you know if there is a NARANON group anywhere near you? They are a group of people who are friends and family of addicts and they offer support to each other and I've heard it is really beneficial and might help you to see what he is doing to you. I see it. Everyone else is seeing it, but Mary, you aren't and that's the only person that matters.
YOU NEED TO GET HELP MARY. YOU CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. I have never
ever heard someone who has been as hurt as you, still want to be with the person whos hurting them. It really breaks my heart. I met a mother last night when I was at an NA meeting and she had just been in the NARANON group next door and this poor woman has been enabling her son's addiction for years and she is in such despair. I can't bear to see that.
Please Mary, get out. Ditch this guy because he is really hurting you and I don't know what else to tell you except that.
Angie
YOU NEED TO GET HELP MARY. YOU CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. I have never
ever heard someone who has been as hurt as you, still want to be with the person whos hurting them. It really breaks my heart. I met a mother last night when I was at an NA meeting and she had just been in the NARANON group next door and this poor woman has been enabling her son's addiction for years and she is in such despair. I can't bear to see that.
Please Mary, get out. Ditch this guy because he is really hurting you and I don't know what else to tell you except that.
Angie
You know, when I first got clean, I used to get so paranoid that Id avoid doing anything. I did absolutely nothing because I used to think that everyone was talking about me, everyone was staring at me, everything in the whole world was all related to me in some stupid way. It didnt only happen when I went out with friends, it happened in restaurants, at home, movies, wherever. It has gotten a whole lot better over time and nowadays I dont even think about that anymore....
DEAR ANGIE
I hope you don't mind me copying and pasting this particular passage from your recent post reply on the Heroin Message Board..
I have describing my bf to family friends and counselor of late as being extremely paranoid since supposedly he has been clean on probation for about a month...paranoid...and on the defensive all the time....interpreting everything innocently said as a veiled threat or people being overly suspicious instead of just being friendly and interested....
i thought he was just doing that with me as he used to do when he was living at that dealer's house and i thought he was doing some kind of stimulant such as coke which he used to inject before i met him and had to stop as he developed that psychosis from it and then i guess he just settled back solely to heroin..
Anyway Angie it is so weird how you described yourself after getting clean....i think this whole cheating thing he is now whipping me with is as a result of this paranoia he is going thru....he feels like everybody is staring at him and ready to spring at him...on the street in stores on the job and he won't go to NA either and he doesn't seem to want to mingle with the people at the AA meetings afterwards and former friends are now people to be wary of and he thinks plain-clothed cops are coming to visit with his schizophrenic landlord to extract information on him but i think they are just old AA buddies of the landlord..
Do you think that your paranoia was attributed to the slow detoxification of heroin from your brain even tho it was a time since you actually used it......i read somewhere that heroin addicts suffer from a depression even 6 months after their last use and that it was a contributing factor to their constant relapsing...
I don't think he is using on probation and i know he is working out which is a good thing but man either he is going to wind up killing somebody or they him if he doesn't stop being so paranoid...but then again with or without heroin he is a sick man as he doesn't know he has problems but everybody else does.....and i myself have many problems..
Sorry i write novel like posts....minored in English Lit in New York City while majoring in Fine Art as well so i tend to be a bit verbose grandiose grandiloquent and an overall total bore..
Luv ya MARY
DEAR ANGIE
I hope you don't mind me copying and pasting this particular passage from your recent post reply on the Heroin Message Board..
I have describing my bf to family friends and counselor of late as being extremely paranoid since supposedly he has been clean on probation for about a month...paranoid...and on the defensive all the time....interpreting everything innocently said as a veiled threat or people being overly suspicious instead of just being friendly and interested....
i thought he was just doing that with me as he used to do when he was living at that dealer's house and i thought he was doing some kind of stimulant such as coke which he used to inject before i met him and had to stop as he developed that psychosis from it and then i guess he just settled back solely to heroin..
Anyway Angie it is so weird how you described yourself after getting clean....i think this whole cheating thing he is now whipping me with is as a result of this paranoia he is going thru....he feels like everybody is staring at him and ready to spring at him...on the street in stores on the job and he won't go to NA either and he doesn't seem to want to mingle with the people at the AA meetings afterwards and former friends are now people to be wary of and he thinks plain-clothed cops are coming to visit with his schizophrenic landlord to extract information on him but i think they are just old AA buddies of the landlord..
Do you think that your paranoia was attributed to the slow detoxification of heroin from your brain even tho it was a time since you actually used it......i read somewhere that heroin addicts suffer from a depression even 6 months after their last use and that it was a contributing factor to their constant relapsing...
I don't think he is using on probation and i know he is working out which is a good thing but man either he is going to wind up killing somebody or they him if he doesn't stop being so paranoid...but then again with or without heroin he is a sick man as he doesn't know he has problems but everybody else does.....and i myself have many problems..
Sorry i write novel like posts....minored in English Lit in New York City while majoring in Fine Art as well so i tend to be a bit verbose grandiose grandiloquent and an overall total bore..
Luv ya MARY
Hey sweeti.
Glad to hear you sounding a little better and not so down as you have been sounding lately. I was once told in NA that we speak from our own experiences and what we say is our own opinion. What I said about my paranoia is purely my experience, and I cant say if its the same for everybody, so I cant tell you whether or not its the same thing hes going through or not. I have been told by numerous other addicts that they have experienced the same thing, but again, Im not saying he is going through exactly that, but of course it is possible.
This problem carried on for me even after like two or so years of being off the stuff, but over time it got better. I just basically persevered and waited it out and finally accepted it. I am a whole lot happier now, because there were times when I was in absolute tears and feeling sorry for myself for having to suffer with this, but I used to always get told to get over it and move on. Today I can do that.
I dont know if I can detect a bit of you protecting him in what you are saying cos this guy is constantly hurting you and you are still wanting him in your life. I learnt the hard way and wasted a hell of a lot of time with someone who wasnt worth it and couldnt and still cant see his problem. I have a smile on my face today which wasnt there a few months back.
Keep well.
Angie
Glad to hear you sounding a little better and not so down as you have been sounding lately. I was once told in NA that we speak from our own experiences and what we say is our own opinion. What I said about my paranoia is purely my experience, and I cant say if its the same for everybody, so I cant tell you whether or not its the same thing hes going through or not. I have been told by numerous other addicts that they have experienced the same thing, but again, Im not saying he is going through exactly that, but of course it is possible.
This problem carried on for me even after like two or so years of being off the stuff, but over time it got better. I just basically persevered and waited it out and finally accepted it. I am a whole lot happier now, because there were times when I was in absolute tears and feeling sorry for myself for having to suffer with this, but I used to always get told to get over it and move on. Today I can do that.
I dont know if I can detect a bit of you protecting him in what you are saying cos this guy is constantly hurting you and you are still wanting him in your life. I learnt the hard way and wasted a hell of a lot of time with someone who wasnt worth it and couldnt and still cant see his problem. I have a smile on my face today which wasnt there a few months back.
Keep well.
Angie
Dear Angie
Feeling apprehensive about posting.....you must have read that thread by the idiot on the Heroin board about how does one get addicted to Heroin and all the scathing replies by some of the regulars including myself... but there is always a couple of rotten apples in the bunch as the saying goes
Just wanted to say that in a way you are right about trying to protect the bf by attributing his abusive behavior to drug withdrawal cause he was nasty when he was on drugs as well and also me being so naive about his stance on morality and never would cheat on me and expects the same...of course that is why he threw that at me and i haven't heard from him in two weeks....this dude when he was 21 was facing 17 felonies and almost 400 years after he and his buddy were captured after they escaped from prison but then was reduced to 30 only 13 of which he had to serve and then was released on parole...
I guess i should say better her than me now but i hope she won't buy his bs and settle his hash.....you know Angie you think if you are a good person and not try to hurt anyone and stay clean they crap all over you anyway and run to others who are just like them and laugh at you behind your back as to what a weak naive pushover you are.. guys like him are made of teflon and never feel sad hurt and survive only for themselves....i don't want to be like me anymore it hurts too much and if i have to be like my bf to survive then i don't want to......will God ever give him his just desserts..
sometimes i wonder if there really is a God or has he fallen asleep
luv ya mary
Feeling apprehensive about posting.....you must have read that thread by the idiot on the Heroin board about how does one get addicted to Heroin and all the scathing replies by some of the regulars including myself... but there is always a couple of rotten apples in the bunch as the saying goes
Just wanted to say that in a way you are right about trying to protect the bf by attributing his abusive behavior to drug withdrawal cause he was nasty when he was on drugs as well and also me being so naive about his stance on morality and never would cheat on me and expects the same...of course that is why he threw that at me and i haven't heard from him in two weeks....this dude when he was 21 was facing 17 felonies and almost 400 years after he and his buddy were captured after they escaped from prison but then was reduced to 30 only 13 of which he had to serve and then was released on parole...
I guess i should say better her than me now but i hope she won't buy his bs and settle his hash.....you know Angie you think if you are a good person and not try to hurt anyone and stay clean they crap all over you anyway and run to others who are just like them and laugh at you behind your back as to what a weak naive pushover you are.. guys like him are made of teflon and never feel sad hurt and survive only for themselves....i don't want to be like me anymore it hurts too much and if i have to be like my bf to survive then i don't want to......will God ever give him his just desserts..
sometimes i wonder if there really is a God or has he fallen asleep
luv ya mary
Mary.
Don't be so negative. Try to see all the other things in your life and don't keep focusing on him. Do me a favour, just take 5 minutes of your time and write down all the good and bad things about yourself, be them little things or big things. Then take a look at the bad things and cout how many of them are compliments of your boyfriend, but actually look hard at them and open your mind and don't not give him the blame for anything. Then see how you feel about him. You will maybe see how he is negatively affecting your life, on paper which is MAYBE a bit better than us telling you here.
Let me know how it goes. Just give yourself a break for a minute okay.
Love Angie
Don't be so negative. Try to see all the other things in your life and don't keep focusing on him. Do me a favour, just take 5 minutes of your time and write down all the good and bad things about yourself, be them little things or big things. Then take a look at the bad things and cout how many of them are compliments of your boyfriend, but actually look hard at them and open your mind and don't not give him the blame for anything. Then see how you feel about him. You will maybe see how he is negatively affecting your life, on paper which is MAYBE a bit better than us telling you here.
Let me know how it goes. Just give yourself a break for a minute okay.
Love Angie
Dear Angie Angel
I was reading some of your recent posts on the Heroin Message Board and i got the feeling that you are kinda of in a funk and i don't want you to think that i am so selfish and self absorbed that i am not aware that you struggle with depression and there are some days like myself where i just don't want to deal with anybody but it doesn't mean i don't still care about them.
I am really struggling and either i an going to make it or not and just let me say that you have shown me more kindness and empathy than that bf i wallow in self pity for and after 4 years he is the one i should be able to run to and say how lost i feel and i am in trouble and even a hug would do....but i can't and i wish he would once be able to say that to me or show some kind of emotion as i know he feels lost and empty deep down inside and never lets anyone get that close to see it....but he knows i see it and i would give him a hug but i guess he is getting it somewhere else these days and sex is no substitute for real friendship and intimacy....it feels good but in the long it is just another "fix" for him to mask the fear that lies beneath the surface....he is always on the "run" from himself and after a 50 yr marathon race he must start to be getting a bit tired of it all....
Angie....take out some time for yourself and some self nurturing
you are a beautiful person....MARY
I was reading some of your recent posts on the Heroin Message Board and i got the feeling that you are kinda of in a funk and i don't want you to think that i am so selfish and self absorbed that i am not aware that you struggle with depression and there are some days like myself where i just don't want to deal with anybody but it doesn't mean i don't still care about them.
I am really struggling and either i an going to make it or not and just let me say that you have shown me more kindness and empathy than that bf i wallow in self pity for and after 4 years he is the one i should be able to run to and say how lost i feel and i am in trouble and even a hug would do....but i can't and i wish he would once be able to say that to me or show some kind of emotion as i know he feels lost and empty deep down inside and never lets anyone get that close to see it....but he knows i see it and i would give him a hug but i guess he is getting it somewhere else these days and sex is no substitute for real friendship and intimacy....it feels good but in the long it is just another "fix" for him to mask the fear that lies beneath the surface....he is always on the "run" from himself and after a 50 yr marathon race he must start to be getting a bit tired of it all....
Angie....take out some time for yourself and some self nurturing
you are a beautiful person....MARY
I promise you Mary, I'm not all that wonderful. People think I'm nice, but they don't see me hiding pills in my shoes so that they can't see them or find them (the paranoia makes me think they would actually dig in my bag???). They don't see the screwed up person who complains cos she wants to stop taking drugs yet gets high as a kite around friends who've never seen drugs and are very naive and wouldn't know either way. The person who gets so flippin high then looks down on her friends because she thinks she is better than them because she's high an they're not. I always feel like such a loser when I go out with my friends for the simple reason that I don't run after a guy and they are always pushing me to go get this one, go get that one. So I get high, then I forget how much they are ragging me, and now "I'm better than them". Mary, my self esteem is so shattered you have no idea. I really don't know why people seem to think I'm "nice" because "nice" would have the world at her feet, I definately don't. Angie xx
Dear Angie
I am giving you a big bear hug.....can you feel it ? I am squeezing really hard to make sure i have put all those shattered pieces back in their proper places and i am going to tell you that yes you are a good person and kindhearted enough to see pass your own pain to reach out to someone else such as myself who is really struggling....
All those "bad" things that you mentioned you are doing hiding feeling is part of the addiction....the addict not Angie is in control and sometimes we use cause we feel "bad" and want to feel better but out addiction really wants us to feel worse....and it really hates honesty as you have been with me in your last reply....to addiction that is like a crack of light in a dark cell....the ray of light as small as it is indicating that there is life and hope outside that dark cell of addiction...
Geez Angie when i was drinking over 17 yrs ago...i used to go to AA meetings and drink in the bathroom there and i thought at the time i was hiding my drinking so well and that nobody knew but they all knew anyway and what made it worse was that i knew that they knew and resented them all the more for it......Angie you don't need to have the world at your feet....just a foot in the world and you don't have to be better than your friends...just be a friend
The thing with my bf is that whether he is on drugs or not..basically he is cruel manipulative a liar...and now i think a cheater and would never admit as you have his weaknesses and his remorse for some of the bad "stuff"...that would mean that he wants to get "well" and that is too scary and too much work for that old con to tackle...so he keeps up the pretense and thinks nobody knows but they are starting to but still he continues the bullcrappy..
Angie do you think i would be baring my soul to you if i didn't think you were a decent person ? I can say more to you than the bf of over 4 years...
I am feeling a little blue right now....still haven't heard from the bf but i haven't given in to write him a letter or call etc.......he treats his enemies better than he does me.....oh gee now i need a hug......luv ya friend MARY
I am giving you a big bear hug.....can you feel it ? I am squeezing really hard to make sure i have put all those shattered pieces back in their proper places and i am going to tell you that yes you are a good person and kindhearted enough to see pass your own pain to reach out to someone else such as myself who is really struggling....
All those "bad" things that you mentioned you are doing hiding feeling is part of the addiction....the addict not Angie is in control and sometimes we use cause we feel "bad" and want to feel better but out addiction really wants us to feel worse....and it really hates honesty as you have been with me in your last reply....to addiction that is like a crack of light in a dark cell....the ray of light as small as it is indicating that there is life and hope outside that dark cell of addiction...
Geez Angie when i was drinking over 17 yrs ago...i used to go to AA meetings and drink in the bathroom there and i thought at the time i was hiding my drinking so well and that nobody knew but they all knew anyway and what made it worse was that i knew that they knew and resented them all the more for it......Angie you don't need to have the world at your feet....just a foot in the world and you don't have to be better than your friends...just be a friend
The thing with my bf is that whether he is on drugs or not..basically he is cruel manipulative a liar...and now i think a cheater and would never admit as you have his weaknesses and his remorse for some of the bad "stuff"...that would mean that he wants to get "well" and that is too scary and too much work for that old con to tackle...so he keeps up the pretense and thinks nobody knows but they are starting to but still he continues the bullcrappy..
Angie do you think i would be baring my soul to you if i didn't think you were a decent person ? I can say more to you than the bf of over 4 years...
I am feeling a little blue right now....still haven't heard from the bf but i haven't given in to write him a letter or call etc.......he treats his enemies better than he does me.....oh gee now i need a hug......luv ya friend MARY
Morning Mary
Thanks ever so much for your sweet words, its made me feel abit better about myself. You know us addicts have such a low self-esteem, which was the basis of many us using. I went to an NA convention on Saturday and you know, I havent felt so much a part of in ages, its always been a part from. Thats one of my favorite sayings lately! And its so true that thats what NA can do for you. Mary, You cant let someone hold you back the way you have let him do to you. Noone else deserves to have more attention from you, than you. I am learning that more and more every day. Its a hard thing to do for me because I always want to fix others rather than focus on me and I also struggle to ask for help(thats something else I have learnt about myself lately). Speak to you again. Love from Angie
Thanks ever so much for your sweet words, its made me feel abit better about myself. You know us addicts have such a low self-esteem, which was the basis of many us using. I went to an NA convention on Saturday and you know, I havent felt so much a part of in ages, its always been a part from. Thats one of my favorite sayings lately! And its so true that thats what NA can do for you. Mary, You cant let someone hold you back the way you have let him do to you. Noone else deserves to have more attention from you, than you. I am learning that more and more every day. Its a hard thing to do for me because I always want to fix others rather than focus on me and I also struggle to ask for help(thats something else I have learnt about myself lately). Speak to you again. Love from Angie
Dear Angie
I am glad you are feeling better and "part of".....I on the other hand have been thinking seriously about suicide again.....i need some kind of closure and if it means closing the door on my life...then so be it
I have not heard from my bf going on 4 weeks now....i still can't believe his out of the blue slanderous accusations about the possibility of my having a thing with the next door neighbor who is just a friend....in fact i think it is more about the fact that if i have any friends at all be it female or male poses a threat to him.....i won't even go over and visit with my neighbor anymore and of course he feels hurt but i keep thinking i did something wrong but i haven't and my bf knows how enslaved i am to him and he hasn't even called to see how i am or ask me point blank if his accusations were indeed true and if he is so possessive and jealous you would think he would drop by unannounced to try to "catch" me.....I am really freaking out that by me not writing him a letter or calling him to protest his allegations it appears to him that i am admitting to what he has accused me of by silent consent...
I am a very naive person and my friend who is more worldly wise thinks that he is using or is with another woman or both and that the woman would have to be an old friend that he used to use with cause even tho he goes to AA for his heroin addiction he drinks afterwards anyway so any "nice" woman he met would find out fast what he is all about and i don't think he is even supposed to be drinking on probation either and besides he doesn't have any money....really...i always had to pick up the slack and i don't have any money either.....i don't know.....in the past when i didn't hear from him it was because i knew he was using but now he is on probation so i don't know...
Angie do you think i should write or call him to plead my innocence to his cheating charge....when he left that message i could tell by his voice that he was high...i think it was a beer.....maybe he is getting high and thinking he will do it until they catch him as hates going to meetings and has all these court costs due and doing 9 months in prison would seem easier than being on probation for 5 years to an old 13 yrs prison sentence served lifetime heroin addict as my 51 yr old bf......do you realize that a lot of heroin addicts don't make it to 51....
Angie should i call or write that letter or just leave it alone....i am so miserable.....i can't stop crying all the time and just want to end it all....i need closure badly....if he would only tell me there is another woman then i would never ever bother him again...he doesn't care about my feelings so he has no reason to hide the truth as he would want to be with her.....but i know he would never cop to using drugs....
I am sorry i have written so much but this might be the last time i wil bend your ear cause i can't stand the pain of rejection anymore and....
Please God help Angie and myself....we are good people
worth saving.....luv MARY
I am glad you are feeling better and "part of".....I on the other hand have been thinking seriously about suicide again.....i need some kind of closure and if it means closing the door on my life...then so be it
I have not heard from my bf going on 4 weeks now....i still can't believe his out of the blue slanderous accusations about the possibility of my having a thing with the next door neighbor who is just a friend....in fact i think it is more about the fact that if i have any friends at all be it female or male poses a threat to him.....i won't even go over and visit with my neighbor anymore and of course he feels hurt but i keep thinking i did something wrong but i haven't and my bf knows how enslaved i am to him and he hasn't even called to see how i am or ask me point blank if his accusations were indeed true and if he is so possessive and jealous you would think he would drop by unannounced to try to "catch" me.....I am really freaking out that by me not writing him a letter or calling him to protest his allegations it appears to him that i am admitting to what he has accused me of by silent consent...
I am a very naive person and my friend who is more worldly wise thinks that he is using or is with another woman or both and that the woman would have to be an old friend that he used to use with cause even tho he goes to AA for his heroin addiction he drinks afterwards anyway so any "nice" woman he met would find out fast what he is all about and i don't think he is even supposed to be drinking on probation either and besides he doesn't have any money....really...i always had to pick up the slack and i don't have any money either.....i don't know.....in the past when i didn't hear from him it was because i knew he was using but now he is on probation so i don't know...
Angie do you think i should write or call him to plead my innocence to his cheating charge....when he left that message i could tell by his voice that he was high...i think it was a beer.....maybe he is getting high and thinking he will do it until they catch him as hates going to meetings and has all these court costs due and doing 9 months in prison would seem easier than being on probation for 5 years to an old 13 yrs prison sentence served lifetime heroin addict as my 51 yr old bf......do you realize that a lot of heroin addicts don't make it to 51....
Angie should i call or write that letter or just leave it alone....i am so miserable.....i can't stop crying all the time and just want to end it all....i need closure badly....if he would only tell me there is another woman then i would never ever bother him again...he doesn't care about my feelings so he has no reason to hide the truth as he would want to be with her.....but i know he would never cop to using drugs....
I am sorry i have written so much but this might be the last time i wil bend your ear cause i can't stand the pain of rejection anymore and....
Please God help Angie and myself....we are good people
worth saving.....luv MARY
Dear Angie
I am glad you are feeling better and "part of".....I on the other hand have been thinking seriously about suicide again.....i need some kind of closure and if it means closing the door on my life...then so be it
I have not heard from my bf going on 4 weeks now....i still can't believe his out of the blue slanderous accusations about the possibility of my having a thing with the next door neighbor who is just a friend....in fact i think it is more about the fact that if i have any friends at all be it female or male poses a threat to him.....i won't even go over and visit with my neighbor anymore and of course he feels hurt but i keep thinking i did something wrong but i haven't and my bf knows how enslaved i am to him and he hasn't even called to see how i am or ask me point blank if his accusations were indeed true and if he is so possessive and jealous you would think he would drop by unannounced to try to "catch" me.....I am really freaking out that by me not writing him a letter or calling him to protest his allegations it appears to him that i am admitting to what he has accused me of by silent consent...
I am a very naive person and my friend who is more worldly wise thinks that he is using or is with another woman or both and that the woman would have to be an old friend that he used to use with cause even tho he goes to AA for his heroin addiction he drinks afterwards anyway so any "nice" woman he met would find out fast what he is all about and i don't think he is even supposed to be drinking on probation either and besides he doesn't have any money....really...i always had to pick up the slack and i don't have any money either.....i don't know.....in the past when i didn't hear from him it was because i knew he was using but now he is on probation so i don't know...
Angie do you think i should write or call him to plead my innocence to his cheating charge....when he left that message i could tell by his voice that he was high...i think it was a beer.....maybe he is getting high and thinking he will do it until they catch him as hates going to meetings and has all these court costs due and doing 9 months in prison would seem easier than being on probation for 5 years to an old 13 yrs prison sentence served lifetime heroin addict as my 51 yr old bf......do you realize that a lot of heroin addicts don't make it to 51....
Angie should i call or write that letter or just leave it alone....i am so miserable.....i can't stop crying all the time and just want to end it all....i need closure badly....if he would only tell me there is another woman then i would never ever bother him again...he doesn't care about my feelings so he has no reason to hide the truth as he would want to be with her.....but i know he would never cop to using drugs....
I am sorry i have written so much but this might be the last time i wil bend your ear cause i can't stand the pain of rejection anymore and....
Please God help Angie and myself....we are good people
worth saving.....luv MARY
I am glad you are feeling better and "part of".....I on the other hand have been thinking seriously about suicide again.....i need some kind of closure and if it means closing the door on my life...then so be it
I have not heard from my bf going on 4 weeks now....i still can't believe his out of the blue slanderous accusations about the possibility of my having a thing with the next door neighbor who is just a friend....in fact i think it is more about the fact that if i have any friends at all be it female or male poses a threat to him.....i won't even go over and visit with my neighbor anymore and of course he feels hurt but i keep thinking i did something wrong but i haven't and my bf knows how enslaved i am to him and he hasn't even called to see how i am or ask me point blank if his accusations were indeed true and if he is so possessive and jealous you would think he would drop by unannounced to try to "catch" me.....I am really freaking out that by me not writing him a letter or calling him to protest his allegations it appears to him that i am admitting to what he has accused me of by silent consent...
I am a very naive person and my friend who is more worldly wise thinks that he is using or is with another woman or both and that the woman would have to be an old friend that he used to use with cause even tho he goes to AA for his heroin addiction he drinks afterwards anyway so any "nice" woman he met would find out fast what he is all about and i don't think he is even supposed to be drinking on probation either and besides he doesn't have any money....really...i always had to pick up the slack and i don't have any money either.....i don't know.....in the past when i didn't hear from him it was because i knew he was using but now he is on probation so i don't know...
Angie do you think i should write or call him to plead my innocence to his cheating charge....when he left that message i could tell by his voice that he was high...i think it was a beer.....maybe he is getting high and thinking he will do it until they catch him as hates going to meetings and has all these court costs due and doing 9 months in prison would seem easier than being on probation for 5 years to an old 13 yrs prison sentence served lifetime heroin addict as my 51 yr old bf......do you realize that a lot of heroin addicts don't make it to 51....
Angie should i call or write that letter or just leave it alone....i am so miserable.....i can't stop crying all the time and just want to end it all....i need closure badly....if he would only tell me there is another woman then i would never ever bother him again...he doesn't care about my feelings so he has no reason to hide the truth as he would want to be with her.....but i know he would never cop to using drugs....
I am sorry i have written so much but this might be the last time i wil bend your ear cause i can't stand the pain of rejection anymore and....
Please God help Angie and myself....we are good people
worth saving.....luv MARY
