Gina,
I want to highlight one thing you said on another post.
"I know that one of the things I've needed to learn in sobriety is setting appropriate boundaries with people."
This one sentence has a lot of wisdom in it.
Boundaries.
We all need to work on this. Esp in recovery and on this board. People say a lot of things. It's always best if truth is told but sometimes in anger, addiction, fear, or just where someone is on the scale from addiction to recovery, people say a barrage of things. For me I have to be able to feel my own reactions and see where my own boundaries are. To be able to see where I am able to possibly help and where I might actually cause damage and use this wisdom and discernment to back off when I need to back off and offer support when I think I can. I'm above noone in telling someone they have no place here. If they landed on this board and stayed here then who am I to say something might not be getting through that will make a huge breakthrough? Or help another. The histories, the stories, the dramas a person has going on in their life really in the end are not for me to sort out. I will help if I can and if not I will know it in due time and back off. It's not in me to continually slam another person every time they post so they feel they cannot post here. That's not my way. I might call some inconsistency but hey we are some really sick folk out here and need help. That's just life and the life of an add board.
Anyway, we need boundaries in our lives and on this board. We need to know where they are, how to use them to help ourselves and others effectively and I'm glad you brought it up.
Want to revise to say it's easy to hook into the drama of things I do this and everytime I do I know it's not for my best good.
Peace,
Pm
Amy,
There were some threads I didnt want to comment on because I had never actually posted to them. I wondered if I was callous for having turned off the computer when I felt my boundaries being violated. Your metaphor of the airplane emergency put it all in perspective for me. In an emergency, ideally one would like to be sure that one is able to act effectively before taking action. It would be useless for me to jump in the ocean to save a drowning person if I didnt know how to swim.
You wrote: For me I have to be able to feel my own reactions and see where my own boundaries are. I agree with you. When my husband and I were in counseling, one of our major issues was his tendency to color the truth in his favor. I wanted him to stop lying. Our therapist quite rightly pointed out that I wasnt going to be able to stop him from lying by trying to catch him out in every one of his untruths. She wanted me to look at what I my actions and reactions were that might make it more likely that he would lie, or tell the truth. (Believe me when I say, I DIDN'T want to hear that from her at the time, lol.)
Im not going to judge anyone (as least I try not to, lol), but there seems to be a lot of anger floating around lately and rather than pointing fingers at the possible external source, Im going to sit quietly back and look inside to see why I am reacting the way I am. As for helping people with addiction the best way I have of improving recovery statistics is to make sure I stay clean myself. The idea that I can change the numbers (for better or worse) by a fraction of one percentage point, particularly via a BB, is grandiose.
Ive been thinking about boundaries a lot lately anyway given the season (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, or to quote you again, Family, trigger, trigger, trigger, LOL). I set very clear boundaries with my birth family about this time last year. It made the holidays a whole lot less stressful. I dont think its a coincidence that after I set those boundaries I began to recognize that my drug use had become a serious problem.
Your posts used to puzzle me early on, Ill have to admit. Youre so unconditionally accepting, it was a new one on me. After getting to know you better, I see that you realize theres a larger picture, a bigger plan and we cant know what that is. Ive come to realize that I dont need to air my opinion on every controversy on this board and in the end, my recovery is the only one Im responsible for.
Meeting you was one of those gifts of addiction, Amy.
Love, Gina
There were some threads I didnt want to comment on because I had never actually posted to them. I wondered if I was callous for having turned off the computer when I felt my boundaries being violated. Your metaphor of the airplane emergency put it all in perspective for me. In an emergency, ideally one would like to be sure that one is able to act effectively before taking action. It would be useless for me to jump in the ocean to save a drowning person if I didnt know how to swim.
You wrote: For me I have to be able to feel my own reactions and see where my own boundaries are. I agree with you. When my husband and I were in counseling, one of our major issues was his tendency to color the truth in his favor. I wanted him to stop lying. Our therapist quite rightly pointed out that I wasnt going to be able to stop him from lying by trying to catch him out in every one of his untruths. She wanted me to look at what I my actions and reactions were that might make it more likely that he would lie, or tell the truth. (Believe me when I say, I DIDN'T want to hear that from her at the time, lol.)
Im not going to judge anyone (as least I try not to, lol), but there seems to be a lot of anger floating around lately and rather than pointing fingers at the possible external source, Im going to sit quietly back and look inside to see why I am reacting the way I am. As for helping people with addiction the best way I have of improving recovery statistics is to make sure I stay clean myself. The idea that I can change the numbers (for better or worse) by a fraction of one percentage point, particularly via a BB, is grandiose.
Ive been thinking about boundaries a lot lately anyway given the season (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, or to quote you again, Family, trigger, trigger, trigger, LOL). I set very clear boundaries with my birth family about this time last year. It made the holidays a whole lot less stressful. I dont think its a coincidence that after I set those boundaries I began to recognize that my drug use had become a serious problem.
Your posts used to puzzle me early on, Ill have to admit. Youre so unconditionally accepting, it was a new one on me. After getting to know you better, I see that you realize theres a larger picture, a bigger plan and we cant know what that is. Ive come to realize that I dont need to air my opinion on every controversy on this board and in the end, my recovery is the only one Im responsible for.
Meeting you was one of those gifts of addiction, Amy.
Love, Gina
I'm always in awe of you two. Either of you say something and my ears perk up with interest. It never fails that I learn something. I consider you both wonderful gifts.
Gina, you mentioned the husband's untruths. I'm sure I've told how mine cannot tell a truth to save his own life.
I've instinctively (somehow, lol) done what your therapist suggested. Up until just now however, I had never had words to put with my actions. You can bet I will ponder the advise of your therapist and work on this area.
Thank you.
Love you guys, Kat
Gina, you mentioned the husband's untruths. I'm sure I've told how mine cannot tell a truth to save his own life.
I've instinctively (somehow, lol) done what your therapist suggested. Up until just now however, I had never had words to put with my actions. You can bet I will ponder the advise of your therapist and work on this area.
Thank you.
Love you guys, Kat
Gina,
This thread is by far the most awesome one I've read in a while.
Thanks for giving me some food for thought.
Love,
DeNae
Wouldn't you just like to dope slap the therapist sometimes? LOL.. I know I want to.
This thread is by far the most awesome one I've read in a while.
Thanks for giving me some food for thought.
Love,
DeNae
Wouldn't you just like to dope slap the therapist sometimes? LOL.. I know I want to.
Gina,
You put a lot of thought in your posts and I like the things you come up with. It's so hard to look into ourselves the way your counselor asked you to do. She asked you to really dig deep and within but it made you uncover layers I bet you didn't even realize you had. I would hate to be asked to do that also!!!! I'm sure my first reaction would be rebel!!!
Sometimes it is hard not to roll your sleeves up and jump in here sometimes. I am not without an opinion or thought but the truth is most of the time it really doesn't matter. What I have to offer which truly serves does not happen from me taking a stand. So I have to learn to back out of those conversations and just accept as best I can everyone's position and let it go. And step in when I know there is something I have to offer. And truly I know the difference. The wisdom comes in when I choose to use it or not. I cannot help everyone or be liked by everyone.
It's true if you take care of yourself and your recovery you will grow and in your growth you will naturally help another. Those who gravitate towards you and you serve are part of your walk. The most important part for you is your journey. It may sound selfish but if you don't take care of you then you will have nothing to offer another. And many people are waiting.
But it starts within always.
The topic of boundaries is a good one. One I certainly have to look at from time to time.
I have enjoyed getting to know you and watching the way you unfold your thoughts. You are so worth your recovery and I'm glad you are where you are.
love,
pm
You put a lot of thought in your posts and I like the things you come up with. It's so hard to look into ourselves the way your counselor asked you to do. She asked you to really dig deep and within but it made you uncover layers I bet you didn't even realize you had. I would hate to be asked to do that also!!!! I'm sure my first reaction would be rebel!!!
Sometimes it is hard not to roll your sleeves up and jump in here sometimes. I am not without an opinion or thought but the truth is most of the time it really doesn't matter. What I have to offer which truly serves does not happen from me taking a stand. So I have to learn to back out of those conversations and just accept as best I can everyone's position and let it go. And step in when I know there is something I have to offer. And truly I know the difference. The wisdom comes in when I choose to use it or not. I cannot help everyone or be liked by everyone.
It's true if you take care of yourself and your recovery you will grow and in your growth you will naturally help another. Those who gravitate towards you and you serve are part of your walk. The most important part for you is your journey. It may sound selfish but if you don't take care of you then you will have nothing to offer another. And many people are waiting.
But it starts within always.
The topic of boundaries is a good one. One I certainly have to look at from time to time.
I have enjoyed getting to know you and watching the way you unfold your thoughts. You are so worth your recovery and I'm glad you are where you are.
love,
pm
Those who gravitate toward you and you serve are part of your work.
How incredibly insightful and true. We all here have to notice that we gravitate towards certain people and they to us. Those are the ones that we are able to help and guide with our own personal style of relating to others.
It's been my experience on this board that there are certain people that I just find myself drawn to and when that happens they are usually the ones who become close friends.
That leaves room for all the different personalities here, each unique, each able to be aproachable to those they can best serve.
Love, Kat
How incredibly insightful and true. We all here have to notice that we gravitate towards certain people and they to us. Those are the ones that we are able to help and guide with our own personal style of relating to others.
It's been my experience on this board that there are certain people that I just find myself drawn to and when that happens they are usually the ones who become close friends.
That leaves room for all the different personalities here, each unique, each able to be aproachable to those they can best serve.
Love, Kat
Kat,
That's exactly right. There is lots of room. And infinite possibility.
love,
pm
That's exactly right. There is lots of room. And infinite possibility.
love,
pm
Kat, Amy, Gina... I could sit here, quietly, all night and just read and take it all in from those who have gone before me. I hope you girls know how much this helps.
DeNae
DeNae
Ahhhh DeNae,
Thanks, you are welcome to chime in as well. (smile) Sort of just got going on a roll I guess. These kind of topics are by far my favorite. Now I have a puppy begging to go for a walk. So gotta take a break. You are here not by accident ya know?
love,
PM
Thanks, you are welcome to chime in as well. (smile) Sort of just got going on a roll I guess. These kind of topics are by far my favorite. Now I have a puppy begging to go for a walk. So gotta take a break. You are here not by accident ya know?
love,
PM
Hi DeNae, that makes coming here worthwhile! And you define exactly what we were saying. We gravitate towards you and you us. Something in our personalities connect. Cool, huh?
Remind me sometime to ask you a few questions off topic or in an email about our school system here. I'm really agitated with it and wondered if you were too.
Love, Kat
Remind me sometime to ask you a few questions off topic or in an email about our school system here. I'm really agitated with it and wondered if you were too.
Love, Kat
Thanks Amy and Kat.
Kat, please, email me any time. I would love to chat.
jdlennon0603@charter.net
DeNae
Kat, please, email me any time. I would love to chat.
jdlennon0603@charter.net
DeNae
I'll send you one tomorrow, DeNae. Email me too. Kathamp1980@aol.com
I''m out for the night. Take care.
Love,Kat
I''m out for the night. Take care.
Love,Kat
Amy, Kat, DeNae,
Rats. I was sensible last night and went to bed at a reasonable hour and missed hanging with you lovely ladies on this nice, gentle thread.
Amy, you wrote: "I am not without an opinion or thought but the truth is most of the time it really doesn't matter. What I have to offer which truly serves does not happen from me taking a stand."
Thank you for saying that. I couldn't agree with you more. LOL, My husband (only half-jokingly) accuses me of preferring to hear, "You're right, Gina," more than the words, "I love you." I learned after quite a long haul in marital counseling that being "right" on a moral or ethical dimension often mattered less than being understanding, and deepening a trust relationship. I guess, in the end, it boils down to what you desire to accomplish.
DeNae, Sure, I wanted to slap the marital therapist more than a couple of times -- LOL, but I paid her to tell me the hard truths. I'm sure if some uninvited Joe off the street started to give me marital advice, I wouldn't have sat still for it (advice being worth exactly what you pay for it).
Kat, Will you email me your address again? I've lost it and I have that yoga tape ready to send to you. My yoga teacher told us the funniest, but truest story. A friend of his schlepped all the way to India to take a workshop with this ancient yoga master. He asked, "Master, what is the meaning of yoga?" And this old guy said, "The meaning of yoga? The MEANING of yoga? The meaning of yoga is MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!"
LMAO! It's all about boundaries.
Have a great day, ladies. I'm off to mind my own business.
Love, Gina
Rats. I was sensible last night and went to bed at a reasonable hour and missed hanging with you lovely ladies on this nice, gentle thread.
Amy, you wrote: "I am not without an opinion or thought but the truth is most of the time it really doesn't matter. What I have to offer which truly serves does not happen from me taking a stand."
Thank you for saying that. I couldn't agree with you more. LOL, My husband (only half-jokingly) accuses me of preferring to hear, "You're right, Gina," more than the words, "I love you." I learned after quite a long haul in marital counseling that being "right" on a moral or ethical dimension often mattered less than being understanding, and deepening a trust relationship. I guess, in the end, it boils down to what you desire to accomplish.
DeNae, Sure, I wanted to slap the marital therapist more than a couple of times -- LOL, but I paid her to tell me the hard truths. I'm sure if some uninvited Joe off the street started to give me marital advice, I wouldn't have sat still for it (advice being worth exactly what you pay for it).
Kat, Will you email me your address again? I've lost it and I have that yoga tape ready to send to you. My yoga teacher told us the funniest, but truest story. A friend of his schlepped all the way to India to take a workshop with this ancient yoga master. He asked, "Master, what is the meaning of yoga?" And this old guy said, "The meaning of yoga? The MEANING of yoga? The meaning of yoga is MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!"
LMAO! It's all about boundaries.
Have a great day, ladies. I'm off to mind my own business.
Love, Gina
Gina, did I miss you? Kes has this horrid stomach virus. She's throwing up constantly. I just had to give her some TLC and a cool cloth.
I'll send you my address again. I can't wait for the cd. I'm really excited about trying yoga. You are just the sweetest for sending it to me.
I will get an email to you and DeNae out as soon as I can.
I love our gentle thread too.
I hated not being able to talk to you when you IM'd but Kes was in a crisis. God, I hope we don't all get this.
She's devastated that she will be missing a Halloween party with her friends tonight. No way she can go in this condition
Maybe we can all hang out later this evening. (my sick child allowing)
Talk to you soon, love, Kat.
I'll send you my address again. I can't wait for the cd. I'm really excited about trying yoga. You are just the sweetest for sending it to me.
I will get an email to you and DeNae out as soon as I can.
I love our gentle thread too.
I hated not being able to talk to you when you IM'd but Kes was in a crisis. God, I hope we don't all get this.
She's devastated that she will be missing a Halloween party with her friends tonight. No way she can go in this condition
Maybe we can all hang out later this evening. (my sick child allowing)
Talk to you soon, love, Kat.
Kat,
You wrote: "That leaves room for all the different personalities here, each unique, each able to be aproachable to those they can best serve."
And that, my dear, is why you are the current manifestation of a God of my understanding. You always laugh when I say that, but I really mean it -- you've taught me so much about love, acceptance, and unconditional positive regard simply by being you.
I'm sorry Kes is sick and the more so because she'll miss her party. Sure hope you don't catch it -- stomach bugs are so unromantic. It's not a school night, I'll try to stay up later tonight and maybe we'll actually be online at the same time. I miss you.
Love,
Gina
You wrote: "That leaves room for all the different personalities here, each unique, each able to be aproachable to those they can best serve."
And that, my dear, is why you are the current manifestation of a God of my understanding. You always laugh when I say that, but I really mean it -- you've taught me so much about love, acceptance, and unconditional positive regard simply by being you.
I'm sorry Kes is sick and the more so because she'll miss her party. Sure hope you don't catch it -- stomach bugs are so unromantic. It's not a school night, I'll try to stay up later tonight and maybe we'll actually be online at the same time. I miss you.
Love,
Gina
Hi Ladies. It looks like I've missed you two.
Kat, I'm sorry about Kes having a stomach virus. I will take any other sickness, any day of the week, when it comes to the kids being sick. Around here, if one gets it, I know I'm in for the long haul, because as soon as the first one starts feeling better, the second gets it and then the third. Its like dominoes. And Lord knows, Jeff is a good guy, but he can't handle vomit or diarrhea. He tried to help out once and clean it up, and ended up puking too. Then, I had to clean up both.
I know this is off topic here, but I need some ideas. All three of my kids have to read a book and dress up as one of the characters in the book, and give an oral book report on Monday. Shelby, the five yr old, is going as Scarlett O'hara for Halloween, and I think Gone with the Wind is a bit much for her to do a book report on..LOL.. Dani and Jesi are going as geisha girls for Halloween, and the teacher said that wasn't an age appropriate character for the book report. Soo, I've got to come up with three different books and three different costumes. Do you guys have any suggestions? I do not want to go out and spend money on three more costumes. I've spent too much money on Halloween already.
Thanks,
DeNae
Kat, I'm sorry about Kes having a stomach virus. I will take any other sickness, any day of the week, when it comes to the kids being sick. Around here, if one gets it, I know I'm in for the long haul, because as soon as the first one starts feeling better, the second gets it and then the third. Its like dominoes. And Lord knows, Jeff is a good guy, but he can't handle vomit or diarrhea. He tried to help out once and clean it up, and ended up puking too. Then, I had to clean up both.
I know this is off topic here, but I need some ideas. All three of my kids have to read a book and dress up as one of the characters in the book, and give an oral book report on Monday. Shelby, the five yr old, is going as Scarlett O'hara for Halloween, and I think Gone with the Wind is a bit much for her to do a book report on..LOL.. Dani and Jesi are going as geisha girls for Halloween, and the teacher said that wasn't an age appropriate character for the book report. Soo, I've got to come up with three different books and three different costumes. Do you guys have any suggestions? I do not want to go out and spend money on three more costumes. I've spent too much money on Halloween already.
Thanks,
DeNae
DeNae,
I can't remember how old your girls are. Can you use the same costumes and just find different books appropriate to the time and place? There's a book, on Amazon called "Outrageous Women of the Civil War" or something like that:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...=glance&s=books
Your Scarlett could be one of them. As for the geishas (that's so cute), maybe a children's version of the libretto of Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Mikado"?
I don't have girls. Totally out of my depth, lol. I just hand a couple of wooden swords and shields to my two and they feel well-dressed for any occasion. At the moment we're getting the boys suited up for a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow. My 13 year old came in looking so much like his father (khaki pants, tie, jacket) I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Actually, they should just wear that for Halloween -- they could go trick or treating as two accountants from Price-Waterhouse.
Good luck with your three.
Love, Gina
I can't remember how old your girls are. Can you use the same costumes and just find different books appropriate to the time and place? There's a book, on Amazon called "Outrageous Women of the Civil War" or something like that:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...=glance&s=books
Your Scarlett could be one of them. As for the geishas (that's so cute), maybe a children's version of the libretto of Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Mikado"?
I don't have girls. Totally out of my depth, lol. I just hand a couple of wooden swords and shields to my two and they feel well-dressed for any occasion. At the moment we're getting the boys suited up for a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow. My 13 year old came in looking so much like his father (khaki pants, tie, jacket) I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Actually, they should just wear that for Halloween -- they could go trick or treating as two accountants from Price-Waterhouse.
Good luck with your three.
Love, Gina
BTW, DeNae, You've got mail and I'm SOOOOOO proud of you.
Thank you, Gina! (smile) I'm feeling a little proud of myself, too.
Also, thanks for the suggestions. I'm going to check into the books you mentioned. Things like this can be so stressful.. lol..seriously, I get anxious, trying to get these things figured out. I want all three of them to do so well, when really, I should probably back off a little and just let it happen. It will work out... it always does.
Hugs,
DeNae
Also, thanks for the suggestions. I'm going to check into the books you mentioned. Things like this can be so stressful.. lol..seriously, I get anxious, trying to get these things figured out. I want all three of them to do so well, when really, I should probably back off a little and just let it happen. It will work out... it always does.
Hugs,
DeNae
Oh, I know what you mean. Holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's (and I've got my wedding anniversary and the boys' birthdays in there, too) are incredibly stressful for me. I want it all to be perfect for the everyone -- exactly the costume they want, the presents they asked for, dinner on the table like June Cleaver would have set it out. I wonder if coming from a less than ideal childhood, I told myself I'd make life perfect for my own children. It's an impossible standard. The anxiety destroyed all my pleasure in the moment and then the drugs I took to kill the anxiety eventually took away any feelings at all.
Gotta to tell you though, at least I don't have to please my birth family anymore. That took a huge layer of stress away.
Gotta to tell you though, at least I don't have to please my birth family anymore. That took a huge layer of stress away.
