yeah i am the guy with 714 tattooed on my arm lol they were my favorite pastime and if they were still around i would have a different doc and like all you others nothing never got a hold of me until the painkillers even herion which i did at a young age i picked it and drop it with no problem then but now when i picked it up after the pain pills it is one nasty sob to let go its got its claws in my back take care everyone
he tatood the #, thats beautiful. I named my dog Bennie, after Bennies. We used to get high on Robie dm & sit around this school lawn & have a comedy show. What was really funny was that more & more kids started coming & some of the stuff was really funny, but we were so happy high & full of life that everything was funny.
I remember hitchiking to rock festivals, even if i knew theyd be canceled cause everyone would show up anyhow. Its unbelievable to me now that we would travel with maybe $5.00 between us & then panhandle for drugs (but that was totaly acceptable then. )
I remmeber going to this rock festival in about 71 in louisiana called the celebration of life. any of u there? of course we didnt have money, but figured out a way to sneak in, & then i'd sneak out & sneak others in. One guy offered me money after i snuck him in & even though i was broke i said "no way man." (that would have been very uncool & capitalistic.
The security there was this motorcycle gang called "The Road Toads." Sounds tough, huh.
Remember this was the early 70's in the deep south & here were all these long haired hippies walkin around naked & smokin weed & droppin acid. The local red necks were all sittin in their boats, (it was by some river with a rapid current) & watchin all the girls with binoculars.
There was this one guy there with these beautiful plants & a book he had writtin (& was selling) on how to grow weed. This big ol fat southern cop befriended him , smiled, put his arm around him, & posed with him & his books and his plants. It was a miracle, this time of peace & love. Why even a good ol red neck southern cop had befriended a yankee hippy & even posed with him. Course it turned out they were evidence photos & they busted him when he left. (they couldn't do nothing there.)
Chuck Berry (i think it was) perfomed dingaling live (it might have been for the 1st time.)
After everyone had their cars parked along the road they posted no parking signs & towed everyones car & we had to pay $30 ( a lot in 71) each to get our cars back.
I decided to leave (it was one of my friends car) & only take a ride if it took me all the way past the south. My hair was down to my shoulders, i was barefoot, & had 6 cents in my pocket. This girl named Josie I think pulled up & said "Y'all can come with me to Nashville to my apartment tonight after i drop off my mother in xxsomewherexx Tenesee. Of course all ideas of going only thru the south vanished, & that night ended up not turnin out at all right, matter of fact im probably lucky i wasn't a statistic buried in the hills of Tenessee. But thats another story , if anyone wants to know, i'll tell, just ask.
Man that was a bizzare & insane time, & if my son even thought of doing what i did, well, it aint gonna happen.
& after that i hitchiked with a couple friends from Buffalo to San Francisco. Talk about insane stuff that happened.
That whole time was a time & place that is rich in memories & feelings, & the drugs were always there, but they weren't the main event. Reds & tuis were 25 cents, white crosses like 15 cents, dex & mollies a quarter , and crystal was like $15.00 a 'spoon'. And sex was, (and still is i guess unless u get married) free.
I also remember there was a playboy which featured the celebration of life rock festival & there was a picture of my friend and me sitting buck naked on some rocks by the river. What a life.
I remember hitchiking to rock festivals, even if i knew theyd be canceled cause everyone would show up anyhow. Its unbelievable to me now that we would travel with maybe $5.00 between us & then panhandle for drugs (but that was totaly acceptable then. )
I remmeber going to this rock festival in about 71 in louisiana called the celebration of life. any of u there? of course we didnt have money, but figured out a way to sneak in, & then i'd sneak out & sneak others in. One guy offered me money after i snuck him in & even though i was broke i said "no way man." (that would have been very uncool & capitalistic.
The security there was this motorcycle gang called "The Road Toads." Sounds tough, huh.
Remember this was the early 70's in the deep south & here were all these long haired hippies walkin around naked & smokin weed & droppin acid. The local red necks were all sittin in their boats, (it was by some river with a rapid current) & watchin all the girls with binoculars.
There was this one guy there with these beautiful plants & a book he had writtin (& was selling) on how to grow weed. This big ol fat southern cop befriended him , smiled, put his arm around him, & posed with him & his books and his plants. It was a miracle, this time of peace & love. Why even a good ol red neck southern cop had befriended a yankee hippy & even posed with him. Course it turned out they were evidence photos & they busted him when he left. (they couldn't do nothing there.)
Chuck Berry (i think it was) perfomed dingaling live (it might have been for the 1st time.)
After everyone had their cars parked along the road they posted no parking signs & towed everyones car & we had to pay $30 ( a lot in 71) each to get our cars back.
I decided to leave (it was one of my friends car) & only take a ride if it took me all the way past the south. My hair was down to my shoulders, i was barefoot, & had 6 cents in my pocket. This girl named Josie I think pulled up & said "Y'all can come with me to Nashville to my apartment tonight after i drop off my mother in xxsomewherexx Tenesee. Of course all ideas of going only thru the south vanished, & that night ended up not turnin out at all right, matter of fact im probably lucky i wasn't a statistic buried in the hills of Tenessee. But thats another story , if anyone wants to know, i'll tell, just ask.
Man that was a bizzare & insane time, & if my son even thought of doing what i did, well, it aint gonna happen.
& after that i hitchiked with a couple friends from Buffalo to San Francisco. Talk about insane stuff that happened.
That whole time was a time & place that is rich in memories & feelings, & the drugs were always there, but they weren't the main event. Reds & tuis were 25 cents, white crosses like 15 cents, dex & mollies a quarter , and crystal was like $15.00 a 'spoon'. And sex was, (and still is i guess unless u get married) free.
I also remember there was a playboy which featured the celebration of life rock festival & there was a picture of my friend and me sitting buck naked on some rocks by the river. What a life.
Dog-
That is by far one of the coolest stories I have ever heard.......I loved it.....sounds like you could write a book. BTW, do you have that issue of Playboy? :o) Peace and Love.
Marie
That is by far one of the coolest stories I have ever heard.......I loved it.....sounds like you could write a book. BTW, do you have that issue of Playboy? :o) Peace and Love.
Marie
Wow Dog, you did have a good time, huh? Seems like another world, hell , guess it was. Thank God our kids do not have the access today we had then. I used to go in my homeroom in the morning and buy whatever I wanted that day..........blk beauties, soapers, etc. They would put you in jail and/or rehab if a kid was caught doing that today. It would ruin their life. Actually, it may have adversly affected mine, but we won't worry about that now, will we? I made it through school with honors, and with the exception of being addicted to opiate, have a great life today!
It is so strange to have been around when this whole drug thing took off. I know in the 50's and 60's there were the "dope fiends", as my dad called them. But the 60's and 70's were the age of enlightenment. Drugs became so vogue. It was cool to "drop out", and many of us did. I never got too far out, but did much experimenting and do not feel any worse for the wear.
I remember being in Daytona Beach in 1969 and the place looked like what I imagined Haigt-Ashberry (SP) did. It was so cool. And I didn't hang out there, was too young, but visited "the strip" in downtown Atlanta in it's heyday to cop a nickel bag. Groovy. I wouldn't take anything for my youth and the memories, I just wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Only the strong survive........I am very strong and you must be, too.
Browndog....I thought the first story was good but the one you just posted was great....Just read it the husband....who is glued right now to the couch. They were the best of times.
Concerts were a big thing.....anyone skip school get wasted and stand in line to get a wristband so you could come back another day and get tickets. Up in Philly where I am from the best shows were outdoors at JFK stadium but the Spectrum and Vet had some that were rocking to. JFK .......snuck there to see yes in the round was way to young to be there and saw some crazy things....One of my best friends now and then use to have a knack for smuggling drugs into any concert. She would open a film package...remember we are talking polaroid......pack it with joints and then seal it back up, put it back in the orignal box and seal that too and laugh like crazy when they would search her over....she looked shady... My husband and I still have all the concert stubs we had before marriage and the one we collected after.....s*** our first date was a yes concert.......Oh and Marie was it you who said tuinals......Pills were my thing back then.......use to take them by what pretty color I thought would be nice that day....2 sucrets tins one filled with ups the other downs......Mix and Match.....How the hell did we survive.....Thanks Browndog for starting this thread......made me remember how much fun it was to be young and how stupid I was although I don't think I was alone there......Think I am gonna lock my girls up in the convent until the are both 18.....
Take care out there everyone,
Tina
Concerts were a big thing.....anyone skip school get wasted and stand in line to get a wristband so you could come back another day and get tickets. Up in Philly where I am from the best shows were outdoors at JFK stadium but the Spectrum and Vet had some that were rocking to. JFK .......snuck there to see yes in the round was way to young to be there and saw some crazy things....One of my best friends now and then use to have a knack for smuggling drugs into any concert. She would open a film package...remember we are talking polaroid......pack it with joints and then seal it back up, put it back in the orignal box and seal that too and laugh like crazy when they would search her over....she looked shady... My husband and I still have all the concert stubs we had before marriage and the one we collected after.....s*** our first date was a yes concert.......Oh and Marie was it you who said tuinals......Pills were my thing back then.......use to take them by what pretty color I thought would be nice that day....2 sucrets tins one filled with ups the other downs......Mix and Match.....How the hell did we survive.....Thanks Browndog for starting this thread......made me remember how much fun it was to be young and how stupid I was although I don't think I was alone there......Think I am gonna lock my girls up in the convent until the are both 18.....
Take care out there everyone,
Tina
Browndog, you're from Louisiana, too?
Browndog your early days sound exactly like mine,are you sure you arent one of my mates from back then lol,were any of you guys lucky enough to ever try the LSD called englishmens acid,they were real small microdots that you could cut into quarters and drop a quarter and then trip for about 12-15 hours,you would go right out there and then you would start to come down a little but then it would come back on again and carry on like that for the whole day or night,they were so clean and you could solve all of the worlds problems lol,they were made by the king of LSD,Timothy O'Leary,he sure knew how to make good acid.
Hey Dog, I'd like to hear the Tennessee story! I really enjoyed your story and would love to hear the rest. Thanks! love, Kat
Hey Kat, I'll tell you the Tenessee story tomorrow, just got back from work and I'm tired. It's probably not as good as I built it up, but looking back , it was funny, except for i was in a really dangerous situation & to dumb to know it. THe whole thing was a set up. She brought me in this little bar in the middle of nowhere in the mountains of Tenesee to get her boyfriend jealous, & being a dumb yankee the idea of the possiblity of people with guns never crossed my mind. (as far as i know , there were none, that occured to me years later, for some reason i woke up and had an awareness of what the whole thing was about & the danger i was in)- but nothing really bad happened, i'm not exactly sure why when i think about it. Could be that i was sitting there & probably looked like i knew what i was doing & so confident, & if they had known what a dumb f... i really was, & my laugter & good time were simply the result of not being aware i was in danger & drinking a bottle of ol boones farm. but it is a little bit funny, so i'll finish this tomorrow.
& now that i think about it , what was even crazier then that, was when i was in berkly & this place called switchboard (anybody remember that) got us a place to stay & there were all these guys & girls that lived in this house that we stayed at that were especially wierd. They had paintings on the wall of them all having sex w each other (guys w guys, girls w girs, & mixed) & some older guy about 22 or so started telling me how he used to work for the cia but he died & now he was like he was & he was freaking me out so i went in this room & laid down on the floor to sleep & these two guys come in & started making out with each other & sniffing glue (i pretended i was sleeping cause i didnt know what to do) & then one guy got mad at the other guy & stabbed him & then said joyfully "c'mon man, we gotta get u to the free clinic" & they both happily marched out of the room, delighted that there was a free clinic to go to. but thats another story.
& now that i think about it , what was even crazier then that, was when i was in berkly & this place called switchboard (anybody remember that) got us a place to stay & there were all these guys & girls that lived in this house that we stayed at that were especially wierd. They had paintings on the wall of them all having sex w each other (guys w guys, girls w girs, & mixed) & some older guy about 22 or so started telling me how he used to work for the cia but he died & now he was like he was & he was freaking me out so i went in this room & laid down on the floor to sleep & these two guys come in & started making out with each other & sniffing glue (i pretended i was sleeping cause i didnt know what to do) & then one guy got mad at the other guy & stabbed him & then said joyfully "c'mon man, we gotta get u to the free clinic" & they both happily marched out of the room, delighted that there was a free clinic to go to. but thats another story.
Browndog, I've been to parties like that and it wasn't even in the 70's.... It was only about 5 years ago!!! LOL hahahahaha
OMG....I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes......wake up and tell us the rest of the Tennesse story....You led an interesting life didn't you....Now I know I am gonna have some weird dreams tonight......
Browndog-
You sure we dont know each other? When I was younger I used to live for danger. I actually used to work for this big time drug dealer in Miami Lakes - I used to carry a gun and drive around in a brand new Mercedes 450SL Convertible delivering Ki's of blow to <edited out> , well I better not mention any more names - I thought I was the s***!! That went on for about 8 months until we all got busted - my bail (1980) was $250,000 and I had just turned 18. I wasnt even scared. I had guns held to my head and SWAT team, the whole nine yards. The only thing I kept worrying about was that my "old fashioned" Italian father was going to find out and kill me. He ended up being so cool about it and said not to worry, he would take care of everything. Luckily, they didnt want me, because they had been after this guy for years - but it was hard to explain when I told them "I just started working here - I dont know nothing" - then they told me I'd been under survellience for the past 6 months and had me on video - I almost s***. Really, I could right a book. Thank God I only spent 1/2 hour in a "holding cell" - these people really had pull.
And those parties - all the time - they were wild - I remember this one place in Cocount Grove that each room had a different "theme" like one was a "jungle" room, one was a "beach" and I'll never forget the one that I almost drowned in - you had to climb this spiral staircase to get into the "champagne glass" jacuzzi - OMG, lets just say I slipped and fell and there were bubbles EVERYWHERE and everyone was "busy" - I really almost drowned - I was that F**cked up!!!! I cant believe some of the stuff I used to do - OH the good ol days!! I think having kids saved my life. LOL Now THEY ARE my life :o)
Love,
Marie
You sure we dont know each other? When I was younger I used to live for danger. I actually used to work for this big time drug dealer in Miami Lakes - I used to carry a gun and drive around in a brand new Mercedes 450SL Convertible delivering Ki's of blow to <edited out> , well I better not mention any more names - I thought I was the s***!! That went on for about 8 months until we all got busted - my bail (1980) was $250,000 and I had just turned 18. I wasnt even scared. I had guns held to my head and SWAT team, the whole nine yards. The only thing I kept worrying about was that my "old fashioned" Italian father was going to find out and kill me. He ended up being so cool about it and said not to worry, he would take care of everything. Luckily, they didnt want me, because they had been after this guy for years - but it was hard to explain when I told them "I just started working here - I dont know nothing" - then they told me I'd been under survellience for the past 6 months and had me on video - I almost s***. Really, I could right a book. Thank God I only spent 1/2 hour in a "holding cell" - these people really had pull.
And those parties - all the time - they were wild - I remember this one place in Cocount Grove that each room had a different "theme" like one was a "jungle" room, one was a "beach" and I'll never forget the one that I almost drowned in - you had to climb this spiral staircase to get into the "champagne glass" jacuzzi - OMG, lets just say I slipped and fell and there were bubbles EVERYWHERE and everyone was "busy" - I really almost drowned - I was that F**cked up!!!! I cant believe some of the stuff I used to do - OH the good ol days!! I think having kids saved my life. LOL Now THEY ARE my life :o)
Love,
Marie
Mairee-O,
Scarry stuff, if that was now in Florida u wouldn't be posting, unless they let people do it from college (prison). 1/2 hour isn't too bad. I guess those people with the connex. maybe happen to have italian sounding names. I had/have a friend (or acquaintance or whatever)in NY at that time period ur talin about who also had connex (his family in years gone by had been rumored to be associated with the jewish half or the organization that doesn't exist). There was a guy called by the newspapers (who many thought was this guy) 'the dilaudid bandit' (im not saying he was nor implying it, even though it was way over 20 or 30yrs ago) who was thrown off a methadone program & wn goin thru wds tried to pull an armed robbery (the guy had a gun, but to this date i believe he only fired any gun one time in his life & that was by mistake in the rest of this story {he would have been much smarter to have had a squirt gun or a toy gun- cause then no one would have gotten hurt}) This idiot went into a store , where from what i understand, the person at the counter knew him. Instead of just leaving he pulled out his gun to rob her, & she wouldn't give him the money & he got nervous & somehow the gun went off & he shot her in the toe by mistake. Well even in NY, even back then, if u shoot someone during an armed robbery, thats big time (& in this case i have to agree it should be.)
Years later he told me that the cops weren't allowed to beat him {kinda standard practice back then} cause of his connex & he only ended up doin 5 or 7 or something like that. but 5 or 7 is long, but a lot less then 20 (attempted murder) He was a young kid, maybe 19 or 20 or so, & as far as he knew he was on his own. his connex were there though, but he didnt learn it until he had to stand up for himself wn some older guy tried to do wt they try to do in prison, & from wt i understand, he stood tall enuf to protect himself & the other guy got cut up pretty bad, & after that a couple older italian guys (30's, 40's?) let them know they were there for him, but they had to wait till he stood up for himself. So his connex got him short time & protection all the way. it helps.
Last time i saw the guy, several years ago, he showed me his 2 year NA medalion. He was proud & should be. Cause if this guy can do it, anyone can. He was more hardcore then hardcore. I hope he's still doin OK.
Do I know u, i don't think so, but i can almost guarantee if its the time period im thinking about, i had an old friend/acquaintance/guy i didn't like to much & who didn't like me usually/ that i can almost bet u knew. During that time period, from about 72 until 80 something, i had left that whole scene, and was entirely clean . Some of my friends moved to Miami, etc & one became a millionaire from that stuff. This guy was very smart, good looking & probably could have been successful at whatever he did. Instead he succeeded at destroying himself. He got busted, had a bond of like 100K or so, ran away to Texas, & ended up if i got the story right, first smashing up his bmw & ending up in a wheelchair & later , somehow, while smoking c (pre crack days) splitting his skull open and dying. He was dead at around 33. What a waiste, especially back then from a drug everyone believed wasn't even addicting, just expensive.
gotta get to work, I'll finish tenessee later. Have a clean and good day
Scarry stuff, if that was now in Florida u wouldn't be posting, unless they let people do it from college (prison). 1/2 hour isn't too bad. I guess those people with the connex. maybe happen to have italian sounding names. I had/have a friend (or acquaintance or whatever)in NY at that time period ur talin about who also had connex (his family in years gone by had been rumored to be associated with the jewish half or the organization that doesn't exist). There was a guy called by the newspapers (who many thought was this guy) 'the dilaudid bandit' (im not saying he was nor implying it, even though it was way over 20 or 30yrs ago) who was thrown off a methadone program & wn goin thru wds tried to pull an armed robbery (the guy had a gun, but to this date i believe he only fired any gun one time in his life & that was by mistake in the rest of this story {he would have been much smarter to have had a squirt gun or a toy gun- cause then no one would have gotten hurt}) This idiot went into a store , where from what i understand, the person at the counter knew him. Instead of just leaving he pulled out his gun to rob her, & she wouldn't give him the money & he got nervous & somehow the gun went off & he shot her in the toe by mistake. Well even in NY, even back then, if u shoot someone during an armed robbery, thats big time (& in this case i have to agree it should be.)
Years later he told me that the cops weren't allowed to beat him {kinda standard practice back then} cause of his connex & he only ended up doin 5 or 7 or something like that. but 5 or 7 is long, but a lot less then 20 (attempted murder) He was a young kid, maybe 19 or 20 or so, & as far as he knew he was on his own. his connex were there though, but he didnt learn it until he had to stand up for himself wn some older guy tried to do wt they try to do in prison, & from wt i understand, he stood tall enuf to protect himself & the other guy got cut up pretty bad, & after that a couple older italian guys (30's, 40's?) let them know they were there for him, but they had to wait till he stood up for himself. So his connex got him short time & protection all the way. it helps.
Last time i saw the guy, several years ago, he showed me his 2 year NA medalion. He was proud & should be. Cause if this guy can do it, anyone can. He was more hardcore then hardcore. I hope he's still doin OK.
Do I know u, i don't think so, but i can almost guarantee if its the time period im thinking about, i had an old friend/acquaintance/guy i didn't like to much & who didn't like me usually/ that i can almost bet u knew. During that time period, from about 72 until 80 something, i had left that whole scene, and was entirely clean . Some of my friends moved to Miami, etc & one became a millionaire from that stuff. This guy was very smart, good looking & probably could have been successful at whatever he did. Instead he succeeded at destroying himself. He got busted, had a bond of like 100K or so, ran away to Texas, & ended up if i got the story right, first smashing up his bmw & ending up in a wheelchair & later , somehow, while smoking c (pre crack days) splitting his skull open and dying. He was dead at around 33. What a waiste, especially back then from a drug everyone believed wasn't even addicting, just expensive.
gotta get to work, I'll finish tenessee later. Have a clean and good day
Dog -
How'd you guess? Yes, very Italian name. Yeah I used to "freebase" when that stuff (now crack) was the "hip" thing to do. Only back then it was the REAL thing - nowadays you dont know what youre smokin (so I hear)- Remember when Richard Pryor burned the hell out of himself freebasing?
I'll never forget the first time I saw a guy making the "rocks". He poured like half an ounce of pure coke into a big test tube and then added water - I almost died - I was like "WTF, are you crazy??" I didnt have a clue to what he was doing - boy I remember my ears ringing from doing that stuff - I could see how it could become addicting.
Gotta go, the little one just woke from nap. TTYL
Love,
Marie
How'd you guess? Yes, very Italian name. Yeah I used to "freebase" when that stuff (now crack) was the "hip" thing to do. Only back then it was the REAL thing - nowadays you dont know what youre smokin (so I hear)- Remember when Richard Pryor burned the hell out of himself freebasing?
I'll never forget the first time I saw a guy making the "rocks". He poured like half an ounce of pure coke into a big test tube and then added water - I almost died - I was like "WTF, are you crazy??" I didnt have a clue to what he was doing - boy I remember my ears ringing from doing that stuff - I could see how it could become addicting.
Gotta go, the little one just woke from nap. TTYL
Love,
Marie
Hello, well i am not a addict myself persay, but i have had some troubles with pain killers, i am ok now tho. i am 17, and my mother is the one that i am posting here for. all throught my life she was addicted to pain killers, and than when i was 9 it escaladed to more than that. she got into blow and junk and everything you could think of. well sooner or later she lost herself completely. and she tried to commit suicide. i was 11, i cleaned up the blood and the syringe off the table. i and my sister were taken from her and given to my grandparents. she has been in and out of prison since than. and i cnt talk to her about this. i jsut wanted answers. what is it that makes that stuff more important than even your own kids? what pains could you have that make the pain killers take them all away? i used them to get through the tough times, but that was it, i dont anymore (tho it is still hard) what is you feel? what feelings superseed your guilt? i am sorry if my questions offended anyone, i am jsut a lost soul looking for some answers to my life long torments....
tainted tears, I don't have a lot of time to answer u right now, but i promise i'm gonna think about your questions & situations througout the day and i'm pretty sure i'll be able to say some things that might give you some honest hope. Right now i can say, even though ur world might not look to good, and u might even feel 'old' & it might be hard to believe, you have the honest potential for a great life filled with joy & hope & love. ur mother doesn't love drugs more then u, its something different. more later, but im sure others will comment shortly.
In spite of all the pain in this world, there is a lot of love, its just not easy to find sometimes, but it is really there.
In spite of all the pain in this world, there is a lot of love, its just not easy to find sometimes, but it is really there.
Tainted Tears,
I am sure your mother loves you very much. I know that might be hard for you to believe. I, too, have a 20 year old daughter, that really couldnt understand how I was putting "pills" "first" before my own family. I love ALL my children dearly and of course, in my MIND I didnt realize how THEY felt or even what I was really doing to them, mentally. I would NEVER, EVER purposely put ANYTHING above my children - They are what i LIVE for. It is oh so very hard to explain, this addiction. I still have trouble explaining it. And I know it is very hard for you to understand. Have you tried talking to a counselor or someone along those lines? I'm really at a loss for words because it is REALLY so hard for a mother to explain (in order for you to understand) how these pills truly take over your LIFE - they really do control you, it happens without you even realizing whats happening and before you know it, they are controlling your life, you cant wake up in the morning without the pills, you cant deal with ANYTHING without the pills.
I wish I had more time to try to explain- I have my grandaughter here now (1 yr old) and she's running around - but I'm sure there will be someone who will come in and try to explain better than I can.
Sharon, Teresa, Cowgirl, anybody out there that can help this poor girl. I really feel for her. Browndog asked me to try to talk to her, but I have Kylee here now and have to go.
Take care of yourself sweetheart and please just know this. YOUR MOTHER LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.
Love,
Marie
xoxoxox
I am sure your mother loves you very much. I know that might be hard for you to believe. I, too, have a 20 year old daughter, that really couldnt understand how I was putting "pills" "first" before my own family. I love ALL my children dearly and of course, in my MIND I didnt realize how THEY felt or even what I was really doing to them, mentally. I would NEVER, EVER purposely put ANYTHING above my children - They are what i LIVE for. It is oh so very hard to explain, this addiction. I still have trouble explaining it. And I know it is very hard for you to understand. Have you tried talking to a counselor or someone along those lines? I'm really at a loss for words because it is REALLY so hard for a mother to explain (in order for you to understand) how these pills truly take over your LIFE - they really do control you, it happens without you even realizing whats happening and before you know it, they are controlling your life, you cant wake up in the morning without the pills, you cant deal with ANYTHING without the pills.
I wish I had more time to try to explain- I have my grandaughter here now (1 yr old) and she's running around - but I'm sure there will be someone who will come in and try to explain better than I can.
Sharon, Teresa, Cowgirl, anybody out there that can help this poor girl. I really feel for her. Browndog asked me to try to talk to her, but I have Kylee here now and have to go.
Take care of yourself sweetheart and please just know this. YOUR MOTHER LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.
Love,
Marie
xoxoxox
Tainted Tears, pain pills make you numb.... You feel like they are making you happy and in a way they do, but they also numb your insides... You asked about the guilt and that's probably a big reason why your mother took them - because they supressed those feelings of guilt that she had.
When you have an addiction, your brain is essentially "hijacked." You do not think on your own. I have taken pills after repeating to myself over and over again "I am not going to take these" and then swallowed them so fast that it was like someone else lived inside of me. Even if you don't WANT to take the drugs, your brain still wants them and will do anything to find the source of its "happiness"
Please find some books to read on the subject. I'm reading "When Pain Pills Become Dangerous" by Dr Drew Pinksy (from MTV) and it's been a big help... It's written in a way where addicts and loved ones of addicts can understand it clearly - not just a bunch of medical speak.
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this...
When you have an addiction, your brain is essentially "hijacked." You do not think on your own. I have taken pills after repeating to myself over and over again "I am not going to take these" and then swallowed them so fast that it was like someone else lived inside of me. Even if you don't WANT to take the drugs, your brain still wants them and will do anything to find the source of its "happiness"
Please find some books to read on the subject. I'm reading "When Pain Pills Become Dangerous" by Dr Drew Pinksy (from MTV) and it's been a big help... It's written in a way where addicts and loved ones of addicts can understand it clearly - not just a bunch of medical speak.
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this...
Tainted Tears,
I don't know if I have one answer to your questions, except that addiction is incredibly powerful, and once it is firmly rooted in someone, it takes everything from them, including their ability to give and express love toward the people who matter most in their lives. There's no logic or rationality to it. I'm sure that is of little comfort to you, which is entirely understandable. You deserve so much better -- you deserve to be able to depend on your mother to be there for you, you deserve to be loved and protected by her, you deserve not to have had to grow up so fast, you deserve not to feel responsible in any way for your mother's condition or treatment of you, and on and on. And I bet she would be the first to tell you that if she were clean. You sound very strong, very mature, and at such a young age. I'm sorry you've had to grow up so fast. You have every right to ask these questions, and to expect better. I'm sure your mother does love you, and I pray that she when achieves recovery, she is able to show you that in a meaningful way. M.
I don't know if I have one answer to your questions, except that addiction is incredibly powerful, and once it is firmly rooted in someone, it takes everything from them, including their ability to give and express love toward the people who matter most in their lives. There's no logic or rationality to it. I'm sure that is of little comfort to you, which is entirely understandable. You deserve so much better -- you deserve to be able to depend on your mother to be there for you, you deserve to be loved and protected by her, you deserve not to have had to grow up so fast, you deserve not to feel responsible in any way for your mother's condition or treatment of you, and on and on. And I bet she would be the first to tell you that if she were clean. You sound very strong, very mature, and at such a young age. I'm sorry you've had to grow up so fast. You have every right to ask these questions, and to expect better. I'm sure your mother does love you, and I pray that she when achieves recovery, she is able to show you that in a meaningful way. M.
tainted tears..
I have been thinking about your post for sometime and my mind is just in a whirwind and my heart is just breaking for you, for me, for all the mothers, fathers, and children that are efffected every day by this DISEASE...
My mind went back in time after reading your post to my own childhood although not nearly as traumatic in the respect of being removed from my parents.. ( sometimes i wonder if that wouldnt have been a blessing but i degress) but it had its trauma's and I remember having some of the same thoughts and feelings as you described in your post...I always wondered why my dad always chose to drink up the food money instead of take care of me... and why I wasnt good enough to love and same kind of stuff like that... why when he knew that that da** stuff was killing him and us why he just could quit...
I wish I could just write a few sentences and have the sky open up with all the answers for you... I just cant.. I resented the hell out of my dad for his alcoholism and my mom for making me the adult and not protecting me... I have grown up now and the child inside me still struggles to understand the answers to those questions because even though I get it now as an adult I am still searching for the answers from a childs point of view... I may never happen... but all I know is this ... that you mom loves you very much... she just doesnt love herself... she is lost in the black pitch blackness of this disease of addiction that robs us of everything that is good, decent and pure... it steals our innocents. and eventually our very souls... it takes over our minds and makes us think that we must have our drugs or we will surely die...
I know it seems like your mom has made and is making a very simple choice you or drugs.. but it is not a simple choice... it is not a choice at all... once an addict is under the influence of their drug and in the depths of the addiction they have no choice.. they must have help to quit and they must have help to stay clean... They must do it for themselves....
There is soo much research being done and evidence to atest to the fact that it is a brain disease.... there are treatments that we are responsible for but there is no cure...
This disease has effected you and you have a responsiblilty to seek help for your issues or I can guaruntee you it will effect your future and the future of any children you will have....
There will come a time when the anger and resentment you feel will slip away and you will come to a little understanding about your mom and your childhood hopefully and that will be a wonderful day in which you will know true peace in your self... until then you will just have to trust when people tell you that it was not your fault and that you mom didnt make any choices of it over you and that she loves you very much....
Please seek help in dealing with your feelings.. you are worth it...
teresa
I have been thinking about your post for sometime and my mind is just in a whirwind and my heart is just breaking for you, for me, for all the mothers, fathers, and children that are efffected every day by this DISEASE...
My mind went back in time after reading your post to my own childhood although not nearly as traumatic in the respect of being removed from my parents.. ( sometimes i wonder if that wouldnt have been a blessing but i degress) but it had its trauma's and I remember having some of the same thoughts and feelings as you described in your post...I always wondered why my dad always chose to drink up the food money instead of take care of me... and why I wasnt good enough to love and same kind of stuff like that... why when he knew that that da** stuff was killing him and us why he just could quit...
I wish I could just write a few sentences and have the sky open up with all the answers for you... I just cant.. I resented the hell out of my dad for his alcoholism and my mom for making me the adult and not protecting me... I have grown up now and the child inside me still struggles to understand the answers to those questions because even though I get it now as an adult I am still searching for the answers from a childs point of view... I may never happen... but all I know is this ... that you mom loves you very much... she just doesnt love herself... she is lost in the black pitch blackness of this disease of addiction that robs us of everything that is good, decent and pure... it steals our innocents. and eventually our very souls... it takes over our minds and makes us think that we must have our drugs or we will surely die...
I know it seems like your mom has made and is making a very simple choice you or drugs.. but it is not a simple choice... it is not a choice at all... once an addict is under the influence of their drug and in the depths of the addiction they have no choice.. they must have help to quit and they must have help to stay clean... They must do it for themselves....
There is soo much research being done and evidence to atest to the fact that it is a brain disease.... there are treatments that we are responsible for but there is no cure...
This disease has effected you and you have a responsiblilty to seek help for your issues or I can guaruntee you it will effect your future and the future of any children you will have....
There will come a time when the anger and resentment you feel will slip away and you will come to a little understanding about your mom and your childhood hopefully and that will be a wonderful day in which you will know true peace in your self... until then you will just have to trust when people tell you that it was not your fault and that you mom didnt make any choices of it over you and that she loves you very much....
Please seek help in dealing with your feelings.. you are worth it...
teresa
