Oh God, I think today is definitely the hardest day I have had in my sobriety to date (all 6 weeks). I feel like telling my boss to stick his job where the sun doesn't shine as I am under a lot more pressure than many of my co-workers. Ok Ruth assert yourself!
I really feel like having a drink although every rational cell in my body is telling me it is suicide. I think my higher power is on vacation at the moment.
Hey, Ruth. Do you have a fellow meeting member you can call? A meeting you can get to? This is a group program--and it DOES work. Call a sponsor--or FIND a sponsor. WE can EASILY talk ourselves back into that ditch in an instant if we're not constantly reminded that it'll be the end. We're always trying to find a simpler easier way....
Gidday Ruth
Pause when agitated and take a few deep breaths, say the serenity prayer or pray to your higher power and then think a drink through to what the result would be......the honest result would be, this is the time to draw on the stored gratitude you have for being sober
light and love Zac
Pause when agitated and take a few deep breaths, say the serenity prayer or pray to your higher power and then think a drink through to what the result would be......the honest result would be, this is the time to draw on the stored gratitude you have for being sober
light and love Zac
Hi Ruth, sorry to hear you hare struggling a bit.... these feelings will pass. Like Zak said, try and remember how happy and grateful you are to have been successful in your sobriety these last 6 weeks and use that strength to get you through this.
thinking of you..... Cookster
thinking of you..... Cookster
How goes it today Ruth! In early sobriety I had to physically sit on my hands sometimes and wait for the "feeling" to pass....it passed more quickly when I called on my HP, it arrested the "white-knuckling" for me.
Ruth,
I've tried everything to find an easier, softer way. I came to realize, after NEARLY destroying everything I'd worked so hard for--including myself. I didn't believe I was affecting anyone but myself and it was MY LIFE, dammit! NOBODY was going to tell me what to do, say, or anything else. I had almost resigned myself to the fact that I'd been put here to be an example of what success looked like--and the burdens associated with it. I had done everything I wanted to do, raised a beautiful, successful family on their way to a wondeful life, I hadn't been in jail, bagged for DUI, lost my wife, any of that. YET. I still have all my 'yets,' and I wasn't going to learn anything from a bunch of bridge-dwellers who'd destroyed their lives with addictions.
It wasn't until I actually hit bottom physically and mentally that I decided I was either going to be sick and tired and spiral into those depths that I knew I could achieve, or I would take the simple step of 'seeing' what all the fuss was about.
I went to at least one meeting everyday, and my wobbly days I'd try to get to a couple. I found that, for just one hour, I had a sense of peace and acceptance that I couldn't find anywhere--church, home, work, and yes, drinking by myself. For a week or two, all I did was ride a pink cloud of euphoria: I'd found "IT." And each day I'd gain a bit more peaceness and serenity and make it last beyond a meeting for an hour or so. And a bit more. And a bit more. Until it was 24 hours and I could get to another meeting.
I'm very new to sobriety, but I've NEVER gone more than a week without drinking or indulging in some mood-altering-drug (MAD). Ever. Better living through chemicals was my mantra--I could probably find a model website which actually quoted it, too!
Point is, the simplest, cheapest, most effective means I've found to grow some serenity in my head, feel good about myself and my fellow earthlings, and get alcohol out of my life for a day at a time is AA. Seriously. One day at a time, call on MYHigher Power when I get wobbly, and go to meetings. Becauuse meetings are MY sponsor and I am appreciative of every one that comes through those doors--newbies and oldies--because I learn, I listen, and I see, that the program is, in fact, the softest, simplest, most effective thing I've ever done--AND (as I listened in a meeting today), it's a plan for living--rules for life that either I never heard before, or only now was willing to let go, and let MY HP gently lead me to a better, more fulfilling life.
I'm rambling--go figure. I've tried everything. E.V.E.R.Y. thing. This is it. I am extremely grateful to be a recovering alcoholic--and to be a practicing member of AA.
I've tried everything to find an easier, softer way. I came to realize, after NEARLY destroying everything I'd worked so hard for--including myself. I didn't believe I was affecting anyone but myself and it was MY LIFE, dammit! NOBODY was going to tell me what to do, say, or anything else. I had almost resigned myself to the fact that I'd been put here to be an example of what success looked like--and the burdens associated with it. I had done everything I wanted to do, raised a beautiful, successful family on their way to a wondeful life, I hadn't been in jail, bagged for DUI, lost my wife, any of that. YET. I still have all my 'yets,' and I wasn't going to learn anything from a bunch of bridge-dwellers who'd destroyed their lives with addictions.
It wasn't until I actually hit bottom physically and mentally that I decided I was either going to be sick and tired and spiral into those depths that I knew I could achieve, or I would take the simple step of 'seeing' what all the fuss was about.
I went to at least one meeting everyday, and my wobbly days I'd try to get to a couple. I found that, for just one hour, I had a sense of peace and acceptance that I couldn't find anywhere--church, home, work, and yes, drinking by myself. For a week or two, all I did was ride a pink cloud of euphoria: I'd found "IT." And each day I'd gain a bit more peaceness and serenity and make it last beyond a meeting for an hour or so. And a bit more. And a bit more. Until it was 24 hours and I could get to another meeting.
I'm very new to sobriety, but I've NEVER gone more than a week without drinking or indulging in some mood-altering-drug (MAD). Ever. Better living through chemicals was my mantra--I could probably find a model website which actually quoted it, too!
Point is, the simplest, cheapest, most effective means I've found to grow some serenity in my head, feel good about myself and my fellow earthlings, and get alcohol out of my life for a day at a time is AA. Seriously. One day at a time, call on MYHigher Power when I get wobbly, and go to meetings. Becauuse meetings are MY sponsor and I am appreciative of every one that comes through those doors--newbies and oldies--because I learn, I listen, and I see, that the program is, in fact, the softest, simplest, most effective thing I've ever done--AND (as I listened in a meeting today), it's a plan for living--rules for life that either I never heard before, or only now was willing to let go, and let MY HP gently lead me to a better, more fulfilling life.
I'm rambling--go figure. I've tried everything. E.V.E.R.Y. thing. This is it. I am extremely grateful to be a recovering alcoholic--and to be a practicing member of AA.
Well I'm afraid to say I slipped in quite spectacular fashion and am filled with the utmost disgust at myself. I mean why did I expect a different result than the chaos that has always transpired when I dirink and hurting those closest to me. I slipped - I drank wine. It didn't make me feel better. I got drunk and thise close to me knew I was drunk. I was doing so well. I have let myself down really badly and I am sorry.
If any goods comes from this and to anyone who is tempted to take up a drink please just think through to what the end result will probably be. It isn't worth it. I went back to my AA meeting yesterday and I am glad I did.
So here goes again. I begin a new count. I will not drink today. I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life who want only health and happiness for me. And that's what I want for me too. As I heard in the meeting yesterday I will die with this illness but I do not have to die of it.
Thank you for your messages. I came back. And I would like to stay for good this time.
One day............xx
If any goods comes from this and to anyone who is tempted to take up a drink please just think through to what the end result will probably be. It isn't worth it. I went back to my AA meeting yesterday and I am glad I did.
So here goes again. I begin a new count. I will not drink today. I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life who want only health and happiness for me. And that's what I want for me too. As I heard in the meeting yesterday I will die with this illness but I do not have to die of it.
Thank you for your messages. I came back. And I would like to stay for good this time.
One day............xx
Sorry for your fall, Ruth, but perhaps NOW you'll see the insanity of our disease--doing the same thing, talking ourselves into going "back out there," to resume research, and to find out that nothing's changed. More importantly, NOTHING CHANGED. We have an allergy that will kill us--and we'll help it do so.
But there IS hope--it's so damned simple it's almost TOO easy so we convince ourselves that we're all better and pick up the hammer. Again.
In order for ME to stay sober I have to consider the 12 Steps as sort of recurring--and slowly work them (I'm only just getting started, but I'm using the gang here and AA meetings as sponsors), I go to meetings and hear the similar stories of those who've found hope and grace and serenity. And I keep coming back because it keeps me from doing stupid s*** to me: And I feel Soooooo much better!
And that ain't even STARTING to account for the spiritual health I'm experiencing. You gotta give up to get better....
But there IS hope--it's so damned simple it's almost TOO easy so we convince ourselves that we're all better and pick up the hammer. Again.
In order for ME to stay sober I have to consider the 12 Steps as sort of recurring--and slowly work them (I'm only just getting started, but I'm using the gang here and AA meetings as sponsors), I go to meetings and hear the similar stories of those who've found hope and grace and serenity. And I keep coming back because it keeps me from doing stupid s*** to me: And I feel Soooooo much better!
And that ain't even STARTING to account for the spiritual health I'm experiencing. You gotta give up to get better....
Sorry to hear about your tough times Ruth, I've fallen on my face a few times on the way to getting sober on a consistant basis. I'm a teacher and supposedly an upright member of the community with the responsibility of being a role model; I've made a mess of that a couple of times and I know the feeling of being disgusted and ashamed of myself. I happy for you and proud of you for picking yourself up again and getting to a meeting. Keep doing what ever you need to do to stay sober, I'm wishing you well...
one day at a time, Cookster
one day at a time, Cookster
Gidday Ruth
One day at a time and today i am sober just like you for this 24hr period and over time yes they do add up, one day at a time.
light and love zac
One day at a time and today i am sober just like you for this 24hr period and over time yes they do add up, one day at a time.
light and love zac
Welcome back, Ruth...
I remember to well the insanity and then the shame from slipping...When they say this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful, it's such a true statement...
One day at a time...go to meetings, find a sponsor, get involved in service and work the steps...Dive into the middle of the program and surround yourself with the love and fellowship and let others help you and life will change so much for the better....
I'm glad to see you back and please stay this time...
(((hugs))))
Stacey
I remember to well the insanity and then the shame from slipping...When they say this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful, it's such a true statement...
One day at a time...go to meetings, find a sponsor, get involved in service and work the steps...Dive into the middle of the program and surround yourself with the love and fellowship and let others help you and life will change so much for the better....
I'm glad to see you back and please stay this time...
(((hugs))))
Stacey
Ruth!
Where you is? How am I supposed to worry about you if you don't show up from time to time? HMMMMM?
:)
I was just thinking about the knowledge I've gained from the friends of this board, as well as the F2F I attend which I call my Home Group. Once you "know," you can't "un-know," you know? Kinda ruins the whole wreckless, hopeless, mindless drinking binge thing now, 'cause there IS hope and there IS a way out.
Damned AA anyway....
LOL!!
Hope you're doing well!
Where you is? How am I supposed to worry about you if you don't show up from time to time? HMMMMM?
:)
I was just thinking about the knowledge I've gained from the friends of this board, as well as the F2F I attend which I call my Home Group. Once you "know," you can't "un-know," you know? Kinda ruins the whole wreckless, hopeless, mindless drinking binge thing now, 'cause there IS hope and there IS a way out.
Damned AA anyway....
LOL!!
Hope you're doing well!
Hi SKG
Thanks for your concern - much appreciated. I haven't been posting because I slipped. I was doing so well but then it comes to the five week mark and I caved.
I probably mentioned this in the past but I am not very happy at my job. And to stop thinking about work on Sunday night I bought a bottle of wine. I didn't have a freak out or hurt anyone but that's not the pont. Neither my mum or my partner suspected I had drink taken in any case.
I can't let anything stand in the way of me getting sober so I did an interview for another job yesterday and got it. It pays several thousand more than my current one.
I had a lucky warning on Sunday - nothing bad happened but I know if I continue something bad will happen - it always does.
I love feeling fresh and clear headed and confident and proud and drinking takes away all of those things.
I got a 5 day detox so I am going to start on that and go back to taking it just one day at a time. I even bought a serenity prayer fridge magnet for heaven's sake!!
I trust you are doing well and all is good?
Take care, Ruth x
Thanks for your concern - much appreciated. I haven't been posting because I slipped. I was doing so well but then it comes to the five week mark and I caved.
I probably mentioned this in the past but I am not very happy at my job. And to stop thinking about work on Sunday night I bought a bottle of wine. I didn't have a freak out or hurt anyone but that's not the pont. Neither my mum or my partner suspected I had drink taken in any case.
I can't let anything stand in the way of me getting sober so I did an interview for another job yesterday and got it. It pays several thousand more than my current one.
I had a lucky warning on Sunday - nothing bad happened but I know if I continue something bad will happen - it always does.
I love feeling fresh and clear headed and confident and proud and drinking takes away all of those things.
I got a 5 day detox so I am going to start on that and go back to taking it just one day at a time. I even bought a serenity prayer fridge magnet for heaven's sake!!
I trust you are doing well and all is good?
Take care, Ruth x
Hi Ruth.
I'm sorry to hear about your slip--it's not an easy thing to do, white knuckling and waiting for the mental stuff to go away. Cunning and baffling probably aren't strong enough words to convey the message of destruction, though. It's my sincere hope that you can get to a point where you can accept it for what it is, and allow yourself to loosen your grip. The "Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book (and reinforced by my sponsor who's an internal medicine M.D.), was a moment of clarity for me. The allergy is one part, but the clinical craving (not like craving sweets or nicotine or whatever) aspect really brought my addiction to alcohol into a sweeping panorama of enlightenment. And it's VERY VERY powerful. It gets lost in all the "God Stuff" and glamour associated with The Program, but it is the fundamental difference between us and "THEM." People that can drink and then stop. Bastards!
;)
The good news is that I can't cure my allergy, but I can subdue my response to the clinical craving--and thereby avoid the allergy (and breaking out in stooopid, or handcuffs, or biting, or whatever). All the other stuff--the self-confidence, the inner peace, all that spiritual stuff--is a by-product.
I wish for you the peace and serenity that I have found, and the peace that surrounds my life now. It IS attainable.
RE: Job. Once you start into the program, you have to address your resentments. The AA purists advise STRONGLY about changing anything except MYSELF until after about a year in the program (that's because I'll have the tools to make good decisions), and that's because alot of what was bothering me seems to have faded. It's my hope that you ALLOW yourself to have what I've got--and you can borrow MY Higher Power until you've got one if necessary!
:)
I hope this wasn't too strong--I read through it and seriously considered removing it--because I'm not trying to preach to you. Attraction rather than promotion and all that but"if you want what I have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps..."
I'm sorry to hear about your slip--it's not an easy thing to do, white knuckling and waiting for the mental stuff to go away. Cunning and baffling probably aren't strong enough words to convey the message of destruction, though. It's my sincere hope that you can get to a point where you can accept it for what it is, and allow yourself to loosen your grip. The "Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book (and reinforced by my sponsor who's an internal medicine M.D.), was a moment of clarity for me. The allergy is one part, but the clinical craving (not like craving sweets or nicotine or whatever) aspect really brought my addiction to alcohol into a sweeping panorama of enlightenment. And it's VERY VERY powerful. It gets lost in all the "God Stuff" and glamour associated with The Program, but it is the fundamental difference between us and "THEM." People that can drink and then stop. Bastards!
;)
The good news is that I can't cure my allergy, but I can subdue my response to the clinical craving--and thereby avoid the allergy (and breaking out in stooopid, or handcuffs, or biting, or whatever). All the other stuff--the self-confidence, the inner peace, all that spiritual stuff--is a by-product.
I wish for you the peace and serenity that I have found, and the peace that surrounds my life now. It IS attainable.
RE: Job. Once you start into the program, you have to address your resentments. The AA purists advise STRONGLY about changing anything except MYSELF until after about a year in the program (that's because I'll have the tools to make good decisions), and that's because alot of what was bothering me seems to have faded. It's my hope that you ALLOW yourself to have what I've got--and you can borrow MY Higher Power until you've got one if necessary!
:)
I hope this wasn't too strong--I read through it and seriously considered removing it--because I'm not trying to preach to you. Attraction rather than promotion and all that but"if you want what I have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps..."
Welcome back Ruth and congratulations on the new job!
Hi Ruth
sorry to hear about your slip - I am the queen of slips.
just pick your self up and have another go, that's all you can do. Just be thankful you've been given another day to clean your act up.
Congrats on the new job. But remember changing our outer circumstances isn't enough - we have to change ourselves or we are right back in those same ol patterns.
Anyway take encouragement from just being sober today! I know I am.
I can assure you it never gets any better out there. What kind of support system do you have?
Idgie
sorry to hear about your slip - I am the queen of slips.
just pick your self up and have another go, that's all you can do. Just be thankful you've been given another day to clean your act up.
Congrats on the new job. But remember changing our outer circumstances isn't enough - we have to change ourselves or we are right back in those same ol patterns.
Anyway take encouragement from just being sober today! I know I am.
I can assure you it never gets any better out there. What kind of support system do you have?
Idgie
Hi Ruth, good to hear from you, I was wondering too. Glad to hear that you are still making progress (the slip was temporary) I hope your new job works out well for you. Stay in touch!
one day at a time, Cookster
one day at a time, Cookster
Thanks SKG, Idgie, VWGirl and Cookster,
SKG, you're words weren't too strong. Thanks for your honesty. I think I have been struggling with the idea of a Higher Power a bit. I mean I do believe there is something in this Universe that put us here in the first place and understands and loves us but I seem to have trouble in turning my life over to the care of God as I understand him/her. Maybe it's the letting go I fear because I feel I have to be constantly in control. I know I won't drink today in any case. Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
I know I have to look inside myself and at all those dark places I fear but I put up a lot of resistence to doing that. Idgie, you are right. It is about changing our stinking thinking that will bring internal change and the ability to cope with life without the help of a bottle. I have every book known to man on positive thinking and the power of positive affirmations. Now I need to put all that good wisdom into practice. I have a lot of reasons to be grateful and thanks again for taking the time to post.
Best wishes to you all. xx
SKG, you're words weren't too strong. Thanks for your honesty. I think I have been struggling with the idea of a Higher Power a bit. I mean I do believe there is something in this Universe that put us here in the first place and understands and loves us but I seem to have trouble in turning my life over to the care of God as I understand him/her. Maybe it's the letting go I fear because I feel I have to be constantly in control. I know I won't drink today in any case. Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
I know I have to look inside myself and at all those dark places I fear but I put up a lot of resistence to doing that. Idgie, you are right. It is about changing our stinking thinking that will bring internal change and the ability to cope with life without the help of a bottle. I have every book known to man on positive thinking and the power of positive affirmations. Now I need to put all that good wisdom into practice. I have a lot of reasons to be grateful and thanks again for taking the time to post.
Best wishes to you all. xx
I'm grateful that you're struggling with the whole Higher Power thing, because that means you're considering it, anyway. I know an old timer who'd been in and out of rehab 3 or 4 times. He couldn't get past the whole "God Thing." Someone suggested that he consider using a different one 'cause his was keeping him drunk. He settled on whatever/whoever had put the huge oak tree in his window and he used that for a LONG, LONG time.
Whatever works! Try this: "If God made Man in His likeness, then..."
Whatever works! Try this: "If God made Man in His likeness, then..."
I use to be the Queen of slips too...always promising myself and others I wouldn't drink the next day and there I was again....can you take this first step: admit that you're alcoholic and that your life has become unmanageable...that's the first step in recovery. In regard to a Higher Power, I suggest just finding a Higher Power that works for you, the ocean, the sun....whatever, but for me, when I finally, I mean really believed that there was a Power greater than myself, well that's when it started working for me and I was able to string some time together...don't give up, you can do this...it does get better, and the fear will start to subside as long as you stay away from that first drink. Remember one is not ever enough and a thousand is too many!
