ok jeff here it is, i thought you had a great idea as i need to learn from this too.
for all who left a bad marriage.....................
what made you finally leave??
what were your greatest fears??
i have to go to work so will check back later tonight on this one. julie/jewels
Jewels,
He told one lie too many and I realized that he would never change. He's not a bad man and I can RELY on him for many things but I can't TRUST him. Does that make sense?
I should have done this five years ago, and I do it now because I don't want to be doing it five years hence.
My greatest fear is that I haven't been truly independent since 1985. I'm not sure how to get health insurance, I've never applied for a mortgage on my own. I'm a bit old for doing all the things I put off in the name of motherhood -- I don't know that my transcripts haven't crumbled into dust; I'm sure at least three of my profs have died and so will be unavailble for recommendation letters, and I do NOT want to have to take the GREs again.
But all of that is future catastrophizing. When you decide to leave, everything will fall into place. What can I do to help?
Love,
Gina
He told one lie too many and I realized that he would never change. He's not a bad man and I can RELY on him for many things but I can't TRUST him. Does that make sense?
I should have done this five years ago, and I do it now because I don't want to be doing it five years hence.
My greatest fear is that I haven't been truly independent since 1985. I'm not sure how to get health insurance, I've never applied for a mortgage on my own. I'm a bit old for doing all the things I put off in the name of motherhood -- I don't know that my transcripts haven't crumbled into dust; I'm sure at least three of my profs have died and so will be unavailble for recommendation letters, and I do NOT want to have to take the GREs again.
But all of that is future catastrophizing. When you decide to leave, everything will fall into place. What can I do to help?
Love,
Gina
My second marriage, to much to go into here.
My first, she became extremely controlling and insecure, to the point of being demeted.
Examples: I worked about a mile from home. Everyday, she would time me coming home. I had to call her right as I was leaving. She knew it took around 8 minutes. If I was late greater than 5, I was having an affair. If she send me to the store, she knew what aisles I was going to be in, and mentally calculated how long it would take me to go through the various aisles. If I took longer than her claculations, I was having an affair. If I was out of town on business, I would have to call in 5-6 times a day, and before I went to sleep. If I didn't, I was up to no good. Work? Forget it, 3 times a day minimum I had to call. She would befriend people I work with (via the telephone) to find out what I was doing. She never met any of them because she wouldn't attend company fucntions with me. She didn't like to "go out". In the 12 years we were married, we ate out one time. She wouldn't. She was afraid she would choke. The ONLY time she ever went anywhere was family funstions. That was ok..she never drove anywhere and till this day still doesn't. She has never driven on an expressway and her greatest excursion in a car is probably a mile or so. NEVER in the city itself. To this day, her and her new husband stay in the house all day. Thhey never, ever leave. He doesn't have a job. She never has had one. The last straw was I was at a business meeting in Las Vegas (I WAS!!!!) and she had me pulled out of the meeting by telling someone she "didn't trust herself with the kids".. and that I "had to come home right away"..How is thhat for psycho. I never cheated on her. Never anything. I had her see a number of psychiatrist for it, but after one visit, she wouldnt go back because she didn't like the ride.
The only thing I was afraid of was staying in the marriage.
My first, she became extremely controlling and insecure, to the point of being demeted.
Examples: I worked about a mile from home. Everyday, she would time me coming home. I had to call her right as I was leaving. She knew it took around 8 minutes. If I was late greater than 5, I was having an affair. If she send me to the store, she knew what aisles I was going to be in, and mentally calculated how long it would take me to go through the various aisles. If I took longer than her claculations, I was having an affair. If I was out of town on business, I would have to call in 5-6 times a day, and before I went to sleep. If I didn't, I was up to no good. Work? Forget it, 3 times a day minimum I had to call. She would befriend people I work with (via the telephone) to find out what I was doing. She never met any of them because she wouldn't attend company fucntions with me. She didn't like to "go out". In the 12 years we were married, we ate out one time. She wouldn't. She was afraid she would choke. The ONLY time she ever went anywhere was family funstions. That was ok..she never drove anywhere and till this day still doesn't. She has never driven on an expressway and her greatest excursion in a car is probably a mile or so. NEVER in the city itself. To this day, her and her new husband stay in the house all day. Thhey never, ever leave. He doesn't have a job. She never has had one. The last straw was I was at a business meeting in Las Vegas (I WAS!!!!) and she had me pulled out of the meeting by telling someone she "didn't trust herself with the kids".. and that I "had to come home right away"..How is thhat for psycho. I never cheated on her. Never anything. I had her see a number of psychiatrist for it, but after one visit, she wouldnt go back because she didn't like the ride.
The only thing I was afraid of was staying in the marriage.
I think men have an advantage when it comes to leaving a marriage. Im not saying they dont suffer any less emotionally than we do, but they the big picture is usually in their favor. They are usually the ones with the income. They are also usually the ones prone to violence. Yes I know this can be flipped but many more times than not it is the woman who fears for her life. It is the woman who has no independent income as she has been the one home with the kids. So for a WOMAN'S ability to leave a marriage I think it has to be planned on a bit. No woman should be without her own credit card and her own checking account. Finding employment, at least putting the word out to headhunters and or just networking via friends, is so important. If you are really fearful of violence, remember the violence will only get worse. Get out early. I have a friend who slowly built up a bank account, took on a part time nothing job. By the time she put her plan into action, she had a real job to rely on with benefits and money in the bank. She also ended up getting the house. Noone knew what was going on for years - but she did. So Id say, planning financially and getting away from violence sooner rather than later are two goals.
PS - Never understimate the power of friends and loved ones. Confide in them. They will give you moral support if nothing else.
PS - Never understimate the power of friends and loved ones. Confide in them. They will give you moral support if nothing else.
Donna, I respectfully disagree 100% with you.
How so?
I won't even go into my second marriage because it was worse than the first but as an example, this is what happened during the first:
32% of my income for child support
12% of my income for alimony
36% of my income for federal taxes
2 % of my income for state taxes
8% of my income for social security/medicare taxes
Total:90%
Child support itself was over $65,000 per year
I kept 10 cents of every dollar I earned.
I paid 100% for:
Kids medical (inclusing braces. etc)
School (including college)
Life insurance
I also gave up a $450,000 house
All furniture in the house
A new SUV
of my 401K
All savings
I assumed all debt
I left with a bag of clothes and my car.
Granted, we were ordered to sell the house and split 30/70 (30% to me). She remarried, and would not list the house for sale so I ended up selling it to her for $5000 because it my name was on the mortgage. The judge would not hold her in contempt for not listing it.
I also had no problem what so ever with child support. But don't say divorce is adventageous to men. It's quite the opposite. I don't know too many men, living in a large home, not working, new husband, new SUV and getting 75K+ tax free. And my example is typical. The numbers just may be different. Case law proves it.
I am TOTALLY not in favor of someone sneaking around and stealing money to build up some war chest. She should of had a job from day one and credit cards and bank account.
32% of my income for child support
12% of my income for alimony
36% of my income for federal taxes
2 % of my income for state taxes
8% of my income for social security/medicare taxes
Total:90%
Child support itself was over $65,000 per year
I kept 10 cents of every dollar I earned.
I paid 100% for:
Kids medical (inclusing braces. etc)
School (including college)
Life insurance
I also gave up a $450,000 house
All furniture in the house
A new SUV
of my 401K
All savings
I assumed all debt
I left with a bag of clothes and my car.
Granted, we were ordered to sell the house and split 30/70 (30% to me). She remarried, and would not list the house for sale so I ended up selling it to her for $5000 because it my name was on the mortgage. The judge would not hold her in contempt for not listing it.
I also had no problem what so ever with child support. But don't say divorce is adventageous to men. It's quite the opposite. I don't know too many men, living in a large home, not working, new husband, new SUV and getting 75K+ tax free. And my example is typical. The numbers just may be different. Case law proves it.
I am TOTALLY not in favor of someone sneaking around and stealing money to build up some war chest. She should of had a job from day one and credit cards and bank account.
Well my first marriage ended so long ago. Ironically he is an alcoholic. I was 17 he was 23.(when we met) He was the man of my dreams I thought. I do so love him and have learned to forgive him for all the things that happened. I know now he lives in his own private hell. I will always be grateful to him because without him I would not have the wonderful kids that I do. Not to mention my grandaughter. This man was perhaps physically the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on...he is the spitting image of Don Johnson in his glory years. My son...is the spitting image of his father and has his wonderful heart. My ex husband is a mere shadow image of himself. He is only 49 years old...yet to see him now you would think he was perhaps in late 60's!
He drank himself to death literally...he still breathes but the person he once was has longed disappeared I have mourned him over and over so many times and I try to remember him as he was. The kids love him but don't much respect him....he still drinks today and will die soon. I saw him last at Kearra's 5th Birthday at the park...where I invited him and his Dad...Kearra's great grandfather....what I want is forgiveness by all. My present husbutt was not happy about him being there...but yet was very nice to him. I tried to see every ones feelings about this....but in the end....I decided I didn't care what these adults felt....it was about Kearra. I wanted all of her family to be together and celebrate her life.
My ex still has a good sense of humor....as he was helping with the pinata...he said "here let me test it...I will pretend its my ex-wife" I guess you had to be there but I cracked up....he was just trying to be funny! He has never hurt a thing in his life...really...except himself! I fear he will die soon. I almost wish he would so he can go and start over again! He is in so much pain!
How Ironic that the second man I married after 10 years together is also an addict! What is it in me....that I choose this? I have pondered this many times over the years. While we do live together we have long stopped living as husband and wife....separate rooms....separate lives...I never thought at this point in my life I would be here. Some days are better than others but for the most part....he is like my brother. One day I will have the courage to seek the happiness that I truly deserve and so will he.
He is also a very good human being...just an addict. He has never denied me or my kids....or his beloved granddaughter anything.
Not sure what will make me finally leave....I wish I did...it feels like I am in limbo...that part of me will never grow as long as I remain.
Then after 21 years together....I only want happiness for both of us. I know it will be me that finally leaves. He would live as roommates forever....he tells me I am different now that I have got clean. He is right! I am different....I am figuring out who I am after all these years of catering to the needs of others, I am scared that I am unearthing this person that has been waiting to breath........or better yet waiting to exhale.
Its so wierd but I had a friend of mine the other day who told me that my eyes were so beautiful at this moment in time.....later that day...my husband asked me if my eyes were going crossed!!! I was like....are you kidding me!!! I don't think my husband has ever said that my eyes or anything else was beautiful......so strange...
He drank himself to death literally...he still breathes but the person he once was has longed disappeared I have mourned him over and over so many times and I try to remember him as he was. The kids love him but don't much respect him....he still drinks today and will die soon. I saw him last at Kearra's 5th Birthday at the park...where I invited him and his Dad...Kearra's great grandfather....what I want is forgiveness by all. My present husbutt was not happy about him being there...but yet was very nice to him. I tried to see every ones feelings about this....but in the end....I decided I didn't care what these adults felt....it was about Kearra. I wanted all of her family to be together and celebrate her life.
My ex still has a good sense of humor....as he was helping with the pinata...he said "here let me test it...I will pretend its my ex-wife" I guess you had to be there but I cracked up....he was just trying to be funny! He has never hurt a thing in his life...really...except himself! I fear he will die soon. I almost wish he would so he can go and start over again! He is in so much pain!
How Ironic that the second man I married after 10 years together is also an addict! What is it in me....that I choose this? I have pondered this many times over the years. While we do live together we have long stopped living as husband and wife....separate rooms....separate lives...I never thought at this point in my life I would be here. Some days are better than others but for the most part....he is like my brother. One day I will have the courage to seek the happiness that I truly deserve and so will he.
He is also a very good human being...just an addict. He has never denied me or my kids....or his beloved granddaughter anything.
Not sure what will make me finally leave....I wish I did...it feels like I am in limbo...that part of me will never grow as long as I remain.
Then after 21 years together....I only want happiness for both of us. I know it will be me that finally leaves. He would live as roommates forever....he tells me I am different now that I have got clean. He is right! I am different....I am figuring out who I am after all these years of catering to the needs of others, I am scared that I am unearthing this person that has been waiting to breath........or better yet waiting to exhale.
Its so wierd but I had a friend of mine the other day who told me that my eyes were so beautiful at this moment in time.....later that day...my husband asked me if my eyes were going crossed!!! I was like....are you kidding me!!! I don't think my husband has ever said that my eyes or anything else was beautiful......so strange...
| QUOTE |
| How Ironic that the second man I married after 10 years together is also an addict! What is it in me....that I choose this? |
Kerri,
I think it's crucial that we find the answer to that before we give our hearts away again. I plan on working a lot with Dr. M on this very question. Because once all the blame-shifting is over with, the important thing is not to repeat the mistake. My husband is not an addict, but he's many things I don't want to be married to again and I want to know why I look for what I do in a relationship.
It sounds like you've made peace with your past and with your ex; that's so healthy and emotionally-mature.
Love,
Gina
Kee- Did Don Johnson actually have "glory years"? hehe
Miami Vice Baby! I loved that show...it epitomizes the 80's!!! Don Johnson was at the height of his popularity with that show.
Gina, I believe you are doing everything right, all we can really do at this point is learn from our mistakes and hopefully not repeat them over and over. At least at this stage of our lives we may not know exactly what we DO want, however am 100% sure about what I DON'T want!
I had to let go of the anger I felt towards my first husband...what I have learned about this disease and recovery has helped! I don't ever want to let anger and hatred take up any more space in my heart. What a waste.
Gina, I believe you are doing everything right, all we can really do at this point is learn from our mistakes and hopefully not repeat them over and over. At least at this stage of our lives we may not know exactly what we DO want, however am 100% sure about what I DON'T want!
I had to let go of the anger I felt towards my first husband...what I have learned about this disease and recovery has helped! I don't ever want to let anger and hatred take up any more space in my heart. What a waste.
Danny, you're a good man, a caring father and a responsible person. I think you really got the raw end of the deal.
I wish all men cared enough to support their children properly and I'm sure many do.
You've got to know how many dead beat Dads there are out there. Many women and I'm one of them, are stuck struggling to take care of all the needs of the children by themselves.
It's a shame all men don't try to do half of what you've done.
xxxxxxxoooo
I wish all men cared enough to support their children properly and I'm sure many do.
You've got to know how many dead beat Dads there are out there. Many women and I'm one of them, are stuck struggling to take care of all the needs of the children by themselves.
It's a shame all men don't try to do half of what you've done.
xxxxxxxoooo
I agree with you Kat! Danny has the utmost respect from most on this forum because of that.
Divorce, separation, marriage its tough...no matter how you cut it. There will be animosity no matter what when gone bad...other wise it wouldn't be divorce!
Divorce, separation, marriage its tough...no matter how you cut it. There will be animosity no matter what when gone bad...other wise it wouldn't be divorce!
I was doing all the supporting anyway.
I was tired of being the one with all the responsibilities of a family, but no family.
Danny, I completely agree with Kat. That is just awful.
I was tired of being the one with all the responsibilities of a family, but no family.
Danny, I completely agree with Kat. That is just awful.
Kerry! Boy can I relate to that....both men that I married had addiction issues. I have always said I was a single parent...just with more laundry!
Danny,
You definitely got a raw deal. Of course its just your side of the story, but I take your word.
I am referring to "in general" and "in general" by a whopping amount, it is much harder for a woman to leave a bad marriage. If a woman does not have a financial plan, it becomes very hard to leave a marriage of abuse, violence, cheating, etc. The husband knows his wife has no other choice but to stay and take it. Im not talking about sneaking around so you can screw your husband. Im talking about being self sufficient so you can leave a marriage that is destroying you. To any woman here that is stuck in a marriage of no respect, no love, cheating, violence, etc., I say plan your exit now. And that plan involves being self sufficient. Danny, you shouldnt be opposed to this. In the end its less money out of the husbands pocket if the wife can support herself. The problem is its also the ticket most men have to keeping their wives stuck and unable to escape.
You definitely got a raw deal. Of course its just your side of the story, but I take your word.
I am referring to "in general" and "in general" by a whopping amount, it is much harder for a woman to leave a bad marriage. If a woman does not have a financial plan, it becomes very hard to leave a marriage of abuse, violence, cheating, etc. The husband knows his wife has no other choice but to stay and take it. Im not talking about sneaking around so you can screw your husband. Im talking about being self sufficient so you can leave a marriage that is destroying you. To any woman here that is stuck in a marriage of no respect, no love, cheating, violence, etc., I say plan your exit now. And that plan involves being self sufficient. Danny, you shouldnt be opposed to this. In the end its less money out of the husbands pocket if the wife can support herself. The problem is its also the ticket most men have to keeping their wives stuck and unable to escape.
Hey All!
Kat: Do you remember when I said that I viewed the "other" woman in my first marriage as divine intervention??? I mean that!
I was married to an abusive man for 10 and a half years. Married too young, 19, thought divorce was sin, yada yada. Got in the cycle of abusive, co-dependent life...fights: horrible, make-ups: passionate. I was insecure when I married, and came to think less and less of myself through the verbal and physical stuff. Classic...I made excuses for his abuse of me. Poor guy, it was his childhood. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
I worked 3 jobs to put him through Law School...then 4 years after he finished, I was in such a bad place...the physical stuff got less and less as he had more to lose from anyone knowing, but the verbal was always consistent. As crazy as this sounds...somehow, his "cheating" (which he gave himself up on in his sleep), was unforgiveable. Now, don't misunderstand me, infidelity is bad...but I believe it can be worked through in a marriage...ABUSE, physical or emotional just shouldn't be tolerated, period. Anyway, his straying was the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak, and I left.
$ 157.00 in cash.
$ 17,000.00 in debt.
What belongings I could put on a flat bed trailer, a rottweiler that I adored, and hometown bound.
It was hell, but I made it. That stepping out for myself put me on my path to self love, self forgiveness, everything. It wasn't always pretty, but it is ALL MINE. I learned quickly that I needed to figure out what it was in my life that made me choose an abuser. My Mother was abusive also. Learned behavior and we tend to choose what is familiar.
I did well on husband No. 2. He is a beautiful, tolerant, kind, intelligent, supportive man. He is the nicest person I have ever met. Although I love my life with him, I wouldn't trade those four and a half years on my own for anything in the world.
So Kat, you can see why I thank that "other" woman to this day. She was pivotal in getting me out of a very dangerous situation...putting me on my path, which lead me to all that is good in my life right now. Odd, I know, but it is how I feel! hahaha
If I can make it, anyone can. You have no idea what a mess I was when I first started out. God does love the weak.
Peace.
Sarah
Kat: Do you remember when I said that I viewed the "other" woman in my first marriage as divine intervention??? I mean that!
I was married to an abusive man for 10 and a half years. Married too young, 19, thought divorce was sin, yada yada. Got in the cycle of abusive, co-dependent life...fights: horrible, make-ups: passionate. I was insecure when I married, and came to think less and less of myself through the verbal and physical stuff. Classic...I made excuses for his abuse of me. Poor guy, it was his childhood. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
I worked 3 jobs to put him through Law School...then 4 years after he finished, I was in such a bad place...the physical stuff got less and less as he had more to lose from anyone knowing, but the verbal was always consistent. As crazy as this sounds...somehow, his "cheating" (which he gave himself up on in his sleep), was unforgiveable. Now, don't misunderstand me, infidelity is bad...but I believe it can be worked through in a marriage...ABUSE, physical or emotional just shouldn't be tolerated, period. Anyway, his straying was the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak, and I left.
$ 157.00 in cash.
$ 17,000.00 in debt.
What belongings I could put on a flat bed trailer, a rottweiler that I adored, and hometown bound.
It was hell, but I made it. That stepping out for myself put me on my path to self love, self forgiveness, everything. It wasn't always pretty, but it is ALL MINE. I learned quickly that I needed to figure out what it was in my life that made me choose an abuser. My Mother was abusive also. Learned behavior and we tend to choose what is familiar.
I did well on husband No. 2. He is a beautiful, tolerant, kind, intelligent, supportive man. He is the nicest person I have ever met. Although I love my life with him, I wouldn't trade those four and a half years on my own for anything in the world.
So Kat, you can see why I thank that "other" woman to this day. She was pivotal in getting me out of a very dangerous situation...putting me on my path, which lead me to all that is good in my life right now. Odd, I know, but it is how I feel! hahaha
If I can make it, anyone can. You have no idea what a mess I was when I first started out. God does love the weak.
Peace.
Sarah
I agree, there is an awful lot of deadbeat fathers (or mothers or whatever). What happens is the laws over compensate for that..
The only problem I ever had with it was the fact that neither her nor the new hubby worked. I'm out there busting my a** and they are sitting at home watching Springer (which should be a crime itself..hehe).
She also just took out a $50K home equity loan on her house and bought the new hubby a car (his 3rd since they have hooked up). So I am buying this guy cars, paying for his house and food and the way the system is set up, I get nothing. It's not the judges fault. He just followed the guidelines set laws in place. It happens to everyone. She also cashed in the 401K
So instead, I am a weekend Dad. So, if you read the or third post in this thread, you cansee why I left. And in order for me to escape that, I had to pay. Unfair to men? The laws certainly are not. It's SOME fathers that are unfair to thheir kids.
I just believe people should have to account for the money. Thats all. Under present law, they do not. They can blow it all on drugs and hookers for all the law cares. Fortunately, 99% do not and use it for the kids.
Oh, by the way, the kids no nothing about how much I paid or lost. Their Mom made sure of that.
The only problem I ever had with it was the fact that neither her nor the new hubby worked. I'm out there busting my a** and they are sitting at home watching Springer (which should be a crime itself..hehe).
She also just took out a $50K home equity loan on her house and bought the new hubby a car (his 3rd since they have hooked up). So I am buying this guy cars, paying for his house and food and the way the system is set up, I get nothing. It's not the judges fault. He just followed the guidelines set laws in place. It happens to everyone. She also cashed in the 401K
So instead, I am a weekend Dad. So, if you read the or third post in this thread, you cansee why I left. And in order for me to escape that, I had to pay. Unfair to men? The laws certainly are not. It's SOME fathers that are unfair to thheir kids.
I just believe people should have to account for the money. Thats all. Under present law, they do not. They can blow it all on drugs and hookers for all the law cares. Fortunately, 99% do not and use it for the kids.
Oh, by the way, the kids no nothing about how much I paid or lost. Their Mom made sure of that.
| QUOTE |
| Oh, by the way, the kids no nothing about how much I paid or lost. Their Mom made sure of that. |
Danny, They won't be children forever and some day they will know who the emotionally-mature parent was in that relationship. I've got friends who are products of the traditionally bad divorce and had one parent or the other regularly trashing their ex to the kids. Guess which parent the child ends up loving, being closer to, and respecting when they're adults? It's not the one who did the trashing. It's invariably the parent who behaved with sensitivity and maturity and didn't put their children in that horrendous emotional bind.
You're a good man. Trust that your girls will know that when they are old enough to make those distinctions.
Love,
Gina
Sarah,
Good for you for just taking the bull by the horns and making a new life for yourself. I would suggest that route first to any one. But too often, the husband has so beaten down the wife emotionally, if not physically, that she literally cant make a move on her own. Yes, there are some men in this boat, but I think its safe to say it is much more a womans problem. Counseling should always be a first attempt. If a woman is lucky enough to have a husband who would do that. More times than not though the husbands feelings are "just do things my way and we are fine".
Danny, you stated:
"I am TOTALLY not in favor of someone sneaking around and stealing money to build up some war chest."
Well I am totally not in favor of a someone sneaking and stealing money either! Never said that at all! Unfortunately, too many men dont want their wives to have a dime for themselves. Too bad! It is not his decision to make. Then you say:
"She should of had a job from day one and credit cards and bank account."
Ha! If only! Many women stay home to raise their children and that is often a decision made by both husband and wife. The reason many women do not have their own accounts is because of their controlling husband who is "the breadwinner" and the "king of the castle". Danny, your situation is not the same here. But you do sound as if you know how to twist some words around.
Good for you for just taking the bull by the horns and making a new life for yourself. I would suggest that route first to any one. But too often, the husband has so beaten down the wife emotionally, if not physically, that she literally cant make a move on her own. Yes, there are some men in this boat, but I think its safe to say it is much more a womans problem. Counseling should always be a first attempt. If a woman is lucky enough to have a husband who would do that. More times than not though the husbands feelings are "just do things my way and we are fine".
Danny, you stated:
"I am TOTALLY not in favor of someone sneaking around and stealing money to build up some war chest."
Well I am totally not in favor of a someone sneaking and stealing money either! Never said that at all! Unfortunately, too many men dont want their wives to have a dime for themselves. Too bad! It is not his decision to make. Then you say:
"She should of had a job from day one and credit cards and bank account."
Ha! If only! Many women stay home to raise their children and that is often a decision made by both husband and wife. The reason many women do not have their own accounts is because of their controlling husband who is "the breadwinner" and the "king of the castle". Danny, your situation is not the same here. But you do sound as if you know how to twist some words around.
