I don't know whats wrong with me.
No, I do know whats wrong with me.
I read a post that Atlas put out for a sayings thread or something. The only way out is through. I say it all the time.
But I don't know how to get through.
I'm setting myself up for a relapse. I can feel it. I know just how I'm planning it.
There are pain pills here in the house. My husband hurt his back pretty bad. He got a script...he sent me to pick it up. He thinks all of that is behind me...behind us. So did I.
But I'm an addict, he doesn't fully get it. He can't trust me with pills.
Its not his fault. I lied to him after he took pills for a few days for his injury. I told him I flushed the rest....I can't have him in the house I tell him...its best this way I tell him....I tell myself its my cover for if he goes for them later and they're gone. I remember how to manipulate. It strikes me how easy that is for me.
I don't want to take the pills.
I want to take the pills.
I want some relief.
I'm lying to everyone. People call, how are you? I'm good, I'm good. People see me, how are you? I'm fine I'm fine.
I'm not I'm not.
I've told myself the gig is up for me, I can't take pills. Party over, I don't want to be like that again. And then, I can't even explain it, its not like before when I would rationalize taking pills. Its just different. I'm broken. I'll never be fixed. And no pills aren't going to fix it...but nothing ever will. So maybe just maybe for a few hours a band aid will help.
I'm setting myself up. The dragon is stirring. It started the second it heard the rattle of the pill bottle.
They say time heals wounds. There isn't enough time for this one.
Sarah wrote suffocating from his absence, I can't breathe. I'm in a support group, I'm reading books. I'm keeping busy. I can't keep still. Cause if I sit still I will feel it all. I've tried to be still and its too much.
And what do I do? I add more. And now I have love in its truest form, yet its there...that gaping hole in my heart. I gave an angel a broken mother.
I'm babbling.
Play the tape all the way through. Its gotten me out of a relapse or two before, but this ones different.
See how I rationalize?
Flush them.
How can we have so many emotions at one time? I feel like I'm going to combust.
All the crap on board lately....everyone shut up and count your blessings.
Maybe its the holidays. Maybe I'm an addict. Maybe I'm weak. If maybe he were here.
Maybe self pity...I don't know. But its real. How does everything keep moving when you have stopped...how am I breathing when I'm suffocating?
Carol and Lisa, I love you both and I know you're going to call me but I'm not picking up. I just can't. I know where I will go and I can't go there right now. I've lied to you both when I say I'm OK. You've both listened to me cry....its just the tip. Theres no way out. I don't want out....Lisa, you have enough.
It never stops. I just don't know.
I just needed to get this out. Thanks for letting me here.
Flush them. Tell my husband, put some more of me on him. I'm sure thats just what he needs right now.
((((((((((((((((((((((((REDD)))))))))))))))))))))
My heart goes out to you right now!!!! Please try and stay strong...you have a couple little ones that need you..
It is sad when the pull is stronger then we can pull back...hunny keep posting if it will help you stay focused this way.....
Krazi/Traci
My heart goes out to you right now!!!! Please try and stay strong...you have a couple little ones that need you..
It is sad when the pull is stronger then we can pull back...hunny keep posting if it will help you stay focused this way.....
Krazi/Traci
Amy I dont know what to say to even try to comfort you.I know I want to more than youll ever know,but I also know how strong those feelings can be.
I will say I think your post was awesome! It was RAW & heartfelt & Ill tell you it must of taken alot to let that out.
Amy please is there anything I can do?I feel so useless when someone I think highly of & care for is hurting & I dont know how to help.
May I send you my number(in case you lost it)Ill listen.I may not have any answers for you but I am here for you always!!!
Im so sorry your hurting
Love Brina
I will say I think your post was awesome! It was RAW & heartfelt & Ill tell you it must of taken alot to let that out.
Amy please is there anything I can do?I feel so useless when someone I think highly of & care for is hurting & I dont know how to help.
May I send you my number(in case you lost it)Ill listen.I may not have any answers for you but I am here for you always!!!
Im so sorry your hurting
Love Brina
Keep talking Amy, its the only way to get it out. You also know that there isnt enough pills in that bottle for you, they dont make bottles that big. Flush em, please.
Best regards,
Tom
Best regards,
Tom
Amy....
I am hear if you want to talk...
You need to forgive yourself.....and allow yourself to be forgiven and let go....
I love you and I am here....
Stacey
I am hear if you want to talk...
You need to forgive yourself.....and allow yourself to be forgiven and let go....
I love you and I am here....
Stacey
Amy
I feel for you, honey. What are you doing for recovery? What are you doing for depression? What's going to happen to that pretty little girl you have if you start using and overdose? What will happen to your husband? Flush the damn pills! What are you doing to do to stay clean? Addiction doesn't just go away by itself. You've been here long enough to know that. I know others are going to come here and pussyfoot around you but that kind of stuff might not keep you clean, sweetie. You need some reality thrown at you. The last thing I want to do is cause you pain but if it helps to keep you from using, so be it. You and your family have been through too much for you to throw your life away for a short term relief. It's not worth it, Amy. Please do something before it's too late. Answer your phone when Lisa or Carol call. Accept the help you need.
I feel for you, honey. What are you doing for recovery? What are you doing for depression? What's going to happen to that pretty little girl you have if you start using and overdose? What will happen to your husband? Flush the damn pills! What are you doing to do to stay clean? Addiction doesn't just go away by itself. You've been here long enough to know that. I know others are going to come here and pussyfoot around you but that kind of stuff might not keep you clean, sweetie. You need some reality thrown at you. The last thing I want to do is cause you pain but if it helps to keep you from using, so be it. You and your family have been through too much for you to throw your life away for a short term relief. It's not worth it, Amy. Please do something before it's too late. Answer your phone when Lisa or Carol call. Accept the help you need.
I tried to call you anyway. But I was going to call you for something else, so pick up dammit. You can tell me if you don't want to talk about it. I need you too sugarpotpie.
What are you doing for your recovery? When is the last time you hit a meeting?
No excuses. Pack up the baby and go today. It's just not worth it Amy. The pills will be gone and then what?
xxoo
What are you doing for your recovery? When is the last time you hit a meeting?
No excuses. Pack up the baby and go today. It's just not worth it Amy. The pills will be gone and then what?
xxoo
You're right, I was on my way to the phone before I got to the part about not calling. I won't call if you don't want me to. You know I never do that, I wait for you to call me because I don't know when it's a good time or not, and I don't want to intrude on your time.
You're doing good just writing this, just getting it out. Keep that up. And you know you can tell Mike to lose the pills, it's not big deal to him I am sure, just tell him. It's not taking anything away from him to ask him to keep them in a place that you don't know about. Any of us here would be going through the same torment with pills in our house. it;s normal.
It's OK not to be OK, Amybut I wish you were. More than anything. I would crawl across glass to fix you if I could. But I can't, and I am afraid no one can. Only that b****** called "time" is going to give you the relief you need.
That angel has a loving mother. We are all broken in one way or another, Amy, or we wouldn't be here. Even the ones who aren't here are not perfect. No mother is. You call it a band aid, and it may be, but it's holding for the time being, and keeping the wound from getting worse, and that is really all any of us have.
I love you, and if you want to talk, you know where to find me. I am here for you. You know that.
I have counted my blessings daily for the past 16 years. Even at the depths of my addiction, I still had more to be thankful for than most people I see, and I never, ever take it for granted. I have much more than I deserve, that's for sure. We won't go there, though, let's keep this about you.
Call when you are ready. Know that you are going to get through this. Know that you are loved.
Love, Carol
Really Redd:
Just go flush them. Right now. It isn't like you couldn't go get pills any day you wanted to...but, you don't...so just flush the damn things.
Where is my email? I really want to hear from you...not because of this post, but yes because of this post...just because you are who you are.
You cannot fix this one Redd. This isn't fixable, grief is only manageable. And yes, you do have a new love in your life...and you must manage to the best of your ability for her, and for your son. Just flush the damn pills and take that one adversary off your plate.
I think I have gotten a glimpse at shock. Just a little glimpse, mind you. Here is what shock is showing me...we do not accept reality because we cannot. It is too much to take on at one time...so we do it little by little...and it isn't a pleasant accomplishment anyway. We won't celebrate when we can fully accept the truth of loss...but we will be able to process our thoughts a little better, and that will seem like relief of sorts.
I think you are still in shock of the events of your recent history. And Amy, I think that is perfectly fine...just as it should be. You/me, we, accept as we can. It isn't a race anyway. There is no finish line, and there damn sure isn't a winner's circle.
Not to be too simple, but it is a little like sweeping the floor. We sweep, knowing there will be dust and dirt there soon...but we sweep anyway. Why do we sweep? Because sweeping is honorable.
Why do you go to meetings, belong to groups, and work at something that isn't showing you immediate results??? Because it is honorable. And even though you went to your meetings this week...next week may even be harder than this one way...but you still go.
You are doing all the right things. You don't have to come to terms with this today, tomorrow, or next year...you are not behind or past due. This is your pain. You do not owe the world one thing in the way you process it and you don't have to be fine...okay, all right. You cannot make this better for other people and you shouldn't have the weight of that responsibility.
You can flush those pills though. I know you can and so do you. Go on, flush the pills and sweep the floor. I love you.
Just go flush them. Right now. It isn't like you couldn't go get pills any day you wanted to...but, you don't...so just flush the damn things.
Where is my email? I really want to hear from you...not because of this post, but yes because of this post...just because you are who you are.
You cannot fix this one Redd. This isn't fixable, grief is only manageable. And yes, you do have a new love in your life...and you must manage to the best of your ability for her, and for your son. Just flush the damn pills and take that one adversary off your plate.
I think I have gotten a glimpse at shock. Just a little glimpse, mind you. Here is what shock is showing me...we do not accept reality because we cannot. It is too much to take on at one time...so we do it little by little...and it isn't a pleasant accomplishment anyway. We won't celebrate when we can fully accept the truth of loss...but we will be able to process our thoughts a little better, and that will seem like relief of sorts.
I think you are still in shock of the events of your recent history. And Amy, I think that is perfectly fine...just as it should be. You/me, we, accept as we can. It isn't a race anyway. There is no finish line, and there damn sure isn't a winner's circle.
Not to be too simple, but it is a little like sweeping the floor. We sweep, knowing there will be dust and dirt there soon...but we sweep anyway. Why do we sweep? Because sweeping is honorable.
Why do you go to meetings, belong to groups, and work at something that isn't showing you immediate results??? Because it is honorable. And even though you went to your meetings this week...next week may even be harder than this one way...but you still go.
You are doing all the right things. You don't have to come to terms with this today, tomorrow, or next year...you are not behind or past due. This is your pain. You do not owe the world one thing in the way you process it and you don't have to be fine...okay, all right. You cannot make this better for other people and you shouldn't have the weight of that responsibility.
You can flush those pills though. I know you can and so do you. Go on, flush the pills and sweep the floor. I love you.
Sorry, but I'm going to keep calling. I won't ever let you go Amy.
You're going to either pick up and yell at me (which is fine because then I'll know you are talking to me) or you're going to shut it off.
So, yes, that's me making the phone make you crazy.
You're going to either pick up and yell at me (which is fine because then I'll know you are talking to me) or you're going to shut it off.
So, yes, that's me making the phone make you crazy.
The pain in your words....
The sadness in your heart.
YOU are not broken, please know that.
In time.....I know it is always said time will heal. But only you can heal this. It is your heart that is hurting. Hurting from something that can't be explained and makes no sense at all.
But you still have to heal, someway, somehow for you.....
To smile, to laugh, to love, to have fun, to sleep without nightmares, to wake with a feeling of being refreshed, to be entralled by life around, to engage and hug and kiss Ava and Chance, doesn't mean you have forgotten Jack. It does not mean that you don't love him. Please try to never ever set it that way.....
Talk to Mike, you really must. And tell him just what you told us here. Allow him to hug you, comfort you. And you have to get that I am gonna worry him out of your head if it is there. Allow him to love you, the kids to love you.....
Allow yourself to feel. You can't keep running from the pain. You can't keep trying and trying to keep you so busy so you don't feel...
Big hugs for you.
Love,
Tina
The sadness in your heart.
YOU are not broken, please know that.
In time.....I know it is always said time will heal. But only you can heal this. It is your heart that is hurting. Hurting from something that can't be explained and makes no sense at all.
But you still have to heal, someway, somehow for you.....
To smile, to laugh, to love, to have fun, to sleep without nightmares, to wake with a feeling of being refreshed, to be entralled by life around, to engage and hug and kiss Ava and Chance, doesn't mean you have forgotten Jack. It does not mean that you don't love him. Please try to never ever set it that way.....
Talk to Mike, you really must. And tell him just what you told us here. Allow him to hug you, comfort you. And you have to get that I am gonna worry him out of your head if it is there. Allow him to love you, the kids to love you.....
Allow yourself to feel. You can't keep running from the pain. You can't keep trying and trying to keep you so busy so you don't feel...
Big hugs for you.
Love,
Tina
Amy I didnt think youd call,How could I ever know the pain inside of you?How could anyone besides those who have also lost what you have understand that pain.
The pills huny...hell you know they arent going to help.they will never fill that hole in your heart.
Its easy for us to say...Flush them,talk,or anything else we may say...but we arent you.And I know when the pain inside is so deep so profound youll want to do anything to ease it.
All our love is here for you,all our tears are here with you.
Damn I feel useless & want to be able to say ANYTHING that will help.Amy I dont care if you write a book to me if you feel you can pour some even alittle of your heartache out to me PLEASE know Im here.
Youve never asked anything of me,well Im asking something of you.....Pour that pain out! Cry scream at the unfairness of it all,
I know you must be feeling so lost so alone in your pain & I will do anything to try to help
Please know this & know.......I am here....
The pills huny...hell you know they arent going to help.they will never fill that hole in your heart.
Its easy for us to say...Flush them,talk,or anything else we may say...but we arent you.And I know when the pain inside is so deep so profound youll want to do anything to ease it.
All our love is here for you,all our tears are here with you.
Damn I feel useless & want to be able to say ANYTHING that will help.Amy I dont care if you write a book to me if you feel you can pour some even alittle of your heartache out to me PLEASE know Im here.
Youve never asked anything of me,well Im asking something of you.....Pour that pain out! Cry scream at the unfairness of it all,
I know you must be feeling so lost so alone in your pain & I will do anything to try to help
Please know this & know.......I am here....
Amy, flush the pills, don't leave the door open.
Know that I love you sweetheart and wish that I could do something, anything to ease your pain. I have put you in my heart and lifted you to God praying for peace within you. God Bless you!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Know that I love you sweetheart and wish that I could do something, anything to ease your pain. I have put you in my heart and lifted you to God praying for peace within you. God Bless you!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Amy....sweetheart....my heart breaks when I think of your hurt...I can totally relate to the "I'm fine"...lol...we all are full of it at times. Most of us are not "fine". Yes...there is a broken part of your heart and soul....but YOU are not broken. You are a survivor, a fighter, a loving mom, a true friend and I know what Tom said is true...there are not enough pills in that bottle.Also Lisa said something about what will you do when those are gone?. Play the tape thru? Yeah....but it still hurts...I am so very sorry you hurt...just wish I could give you a big hug. Look at it this way...if you flush'em...no more speculating and torture. If you don't...you will find a reason to take them and be very upset with yourself as well as your original bad mood....you know all this stuff...I commend you on your honesty on this board. I will pray for you...have strength...this too shall pass....staying busy is good.Love you...Sharonn
Amy...I just wanted to tell you something....we use...well most of us anyway because of Emotional Pain!!!! I know what it is like to feel that suffocation yet...still breath air....I lost my mother at the tender age of 12....she never got to see me reach puberty...explain to me what was happening to my body when I got my first period...hold my hand when my heart was first broken...watch me walk down the isle....guide me to healthy relationships...beat my butt when needed...see my children arrive in this world and watch them grow with all there milestones..or to know them...guide me...guide them....never in all these years have I had that...nor has she....I have had to find my own way...and I didn't do the best job without her...but I managed...sort of...all that Emotional Pain led me to my drug abuse...I cry out for her even to this day........honey your little girl will have you to do all those things...you have been so blessed and so has she.....and your little boy too.
I don't know if this helps you...but I just want you to know the emotional pain never really goes away after the death of a family member...and its that emotional pain that is messing you now...recognize it...and tuck it away for its a tricky little pain......you have such an opportunity here......you can do and be all those things...take it sweety.....your kids need you!!! I know this first hand!
With such love and compassion...kee kee
It took me so many years to realize this and get to recogize it...I wasted so many years feeling that suffocation...you don't have too!
Anyway..I am sorry...I am not sure if this even made sense..you are in my thoughts and prayers!
I don't know if this helps you...but I just want you to know the emotional pain never really goes away after the death of a family member...and its that emotional pain that is messing you now...recognize it...and tuck it away for its a tricky little pain......you have such an opportunity here......you can do and be all those things...take it sweety.....your kids need you!!! I know this first hand!
With such love and compassion...kee kee
It took me so many years to realize this and get to recogize it...I wasted so many years feeling that suffocation...you don't have too!
Anyway..I am sorry...I am not sure if this even made sense..you are in my thoughts and prayers!
Amy-
You're human!! There's nothing wrong with you except that you're human. One of lifes most precious gifts was taken from you and it's going to take a long time to come to terms with that. I don't want to say, "you'll get over it.", "you'll get past it." You may never "get over it" but, although I've never been in your shoes, I feel that what you're feeling is normal. You're a beautiful person with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and a huge, huge heart!! You need to give yourself the time and permission to heal your heart.
I hope I haven't said anything that's upset you but, it breaks my heart and everubody else here, I'm sure, to read what you're feeling but, just as it was recommended before "just keep talking."
Meghan
You're human!! There's nothing wrong with you except that you're human. One of lifes most precious gifts was taken from you and it's going to take a long time to come to terms with that. I don't want to say, "you'll get over it.", "you'll get past it." You may never "get over it" but, although I've never been in your shoes, I feel that what you're feeling is normal. You're a beautiful person with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and a huge, huge heart!! You need to give yourself the time and permission to heal your heart.
I hope I haven't said anything that's upset you but, it breaks my heart and everubody else here, I'm sure, to read what you're feeling but, just as it was recommended before "just keep talking."
Meghan
Amy,
I just wanted to add that I'm thinking about you and I know how you feel. It's been a while now that I haven't had any pills, but all the stress with moving, with a baby, and a husband who just seems so apathetic to the world? trigger trigger. i catch myself daydreaming about the little bastards.
You know what you need to do, and I hope you realize that the relief you need does not come in pill form. I wish there was something I could do for you, but all we can do is listen. Keep talking and keep telling on yourself.
Love you
stacey
I just wanted to add that I'm thinking about you and I know how you feel. It's been a while now that I haven't had any pills, but all the stress with moving, with a baby, and a husband who just seems so apathetic to the world? trigger trigger. i catch myself daydreaming about the little bastards.
You know what you need to do, and I hope you realize that the relief you need does not come in pill form. I wish there was something I could do for you, but all we can do is listen. Keep talking and keep telling on yourself.
Love you
stacey
Amy
Your feeling pain and you want to medicate that pain away...only you know that it wont work...and will in fact just lead to even more pain..the pain of losing control..
Have you or would you think of seeing a grief counselor Amy? You have suffered one of lifes biggest losses, and there are people trained to help us through that...you need to talk out your feelings, your sadness, your anger..
Your wanting to medicate is just your way of trying to shove those feelings back down...but you already know that..
Please keep in mind that as awful as you are feeling right now, if you can just feel them....they will change...go beat a pillow, have a good cry...let those feelings OUT...once you do that, you will have a shift in the way you feel...
Its the reason that we cant really drown in our tears...we can cry long and hard, but sooner or later, once the acute pain has left through our tears...our tears will stop....our emotions will change,,,we'll be tired, feel spent, but nonetheless, a change in emotions will occur just for having moved those emotions..
Keep posting and know that many here care about you..
Hugs
Ali
Your feeling pain and you want to medicate that pain away...only you know that it wont work...and will in fact just lead to even more pain..the pain of losing control..
Have you or would you think of seeing a grief counselor Amy? You have suffered one of lifes biggest losses, and there are people trained to help us through that...you need to talk out your feelings, your sadness, your anger..
Your wanting to medicate is just your way of trying to shove those feelings back down...but you already know that..
Please keep in mind that as awful as you are feeling right now, if you can just feel them....they will change...go beat a pillow, have a good cry...let those feelings OUT...once you do that, you will have a shift in the way you feel...
Its the reason that we cant really drown in our tears...we can cry long and hard, but sooner or later, once the acute pain has left through our tears...our tears will stop....our emotions will change,,,we'll be tired, feel spent, but nonetheless, a change in emotions will occur just for having moved those emotions..
Keep posting and know that many here care about you..
Hugs
Ali
Hey Sweetie, As you know, I tried to call several times, and as you promised, you didn't answer. IF you want to talk tomorrow, I am here. I'll call, and if you want to talk, answer. I will not force it, because if you don't want to talk, I understand. I wish you would, though. You need to get it out, and even if I don't have magical answers, I am here for you always.
I love you ((((((((((((((smooch))))))))))))))))))),
Carol
Redd,
Hun I have been thinking of you all day, and even though I have been upset this afternoon about my son, I hope you have been able to keep your desire to pop a pill under control, my heart is with you and hope you have found some peace in knowing your friends here have you in their hearts. Even though your not posting I hope your still holding strong...YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! we are all here for you, and when you are ready to answer your phone to your friends who are calling, or want to give us an update we are here...you don't have to go at this alone....
hugs to you hun
Krazi/Traci
Hun I have been thinking of you all day, and even though I have been upset this afternoon about my son, I hope you have been able to keep your desire to pop a pill under control, my heart is with you and hope you have found some peace in knowing your friends here have you in their hearts. Even though your not posting I hope your still holding strong...YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! we are all here for you, and when you are ready to answer your phone to your friends who are calling, or want to give us an update we are here...you don't have to go at this alone....
hugs to you hun
Krazi/Traci
