It's OVER. I have tried so hard. I just can't.
I should have kept using. I'd be gone by now.
Yeah I sound like Queen baby I know.
A friend asked me to look at my kids Myspace as it was detremental. Oh, the pain she is in.
The big headline was "I am sick you disregard other human beings".
I call her to ask what's up and can I help. My heart what is left of it is so wounded. I feell for her.
I was told I am a lousy mother and I never cared about her. I said so where are we? She replied this was the last time she'd speak to me. She is miserable and now this boyfriend broke up with her. She don't care if I drop dead. OD. Get hit by a car. STOP contacting her.
I don't see a ppoint of going on. I'm broken, stained and in ruin. I sucked as a mom. I did bring up a million things we did together. How I kept her safe. She told me that's old hat. To go drop dead. Leave her alone.
There's nothing left for me. I sobbed to my brother and my poor mom heard my end of the conversation.
Getting clean did nothing but make me feel and hurt and this just is it. I kneel and pray. I tried and tried. Heroin takes it all away. How can a child negate all the good years? I should have smoked crack and sold her hinney and I bet she'd have cared about me.
Sorry for being a downer. I'm just done. More than devastated. What's left? What? It's killing me slowely and I rather just get it over with. I never could imagine. NEVER!
I'm sorry dear friends. Just broked to pieces. The heartache just is unrelentless. She truly don't care about me. I'm nobody and she told me to leave her alone.
What would an addict do? I'm just done.
Whats left
You really want to know.
Promise.there is always the promise, and always hopeNothing is set in stone, and tomorrow something could happen that would have the potential to flip this whole situation upside down and a new reality will be shining.
Why do you allow her to do this to you? She isnt ready, and this isnt personalBut she sure as hell knows how to hurt you, and how to push your buttons.The past is over and yes you f*cked up then, but it isnt then anymore
She is troubled, she is hurt with some justification for feeling hurt and if and when she finds the time to work her insanity out she will not be able to justify anymore but she might tell you how this all really affected herand maybe be able to tell you about the blame she likes to place and the whys behind it all.
She needs an education, a big one, and she needs to heal for her.
Guess what you need to heal for you
You want this done and over, really done and over then keep going to therapy and keep talking and work Bryn out. You will be better able to understand her, and to speak to her and it will help her indirectly.
I love yah kiddo, no giving in and letting anything beat you down, it isnt worth it..
Hang tight, deep breathsthrow s***, hide under the covers, whatever you need to to get through the next few daysjust dont let go of the hope for you, for her
Big hugs,
Love,
Tina
You really want to know.
Promise.there is always the promise, and always hopeNothing is set in stone, and tomorrow something could happen that would have the potential to flip this whole situation upside down and a new reality will be shining.
Why do you allow her to do this to you? She isnt ready, and this isnt personalBut she sure as hell knows how to hurt you, and how to push your buttons.The past is over and yes you f*cked up then, but it isnt then anymore
She is troubled, she is hurt with some justification for feeling hurt and if and when she finds the time to work her insanity out she will not be able to justify anymore but she might tell you how this all really affected herand maybe be able to tell you about the blame she likes to place and the whys behind it all.
She needs an education, a big one, and she needs to heal for her.
Guess what you need to heal for you
You want this done and over, really done and over then keep going to therapy and keep talking and work Bryn out. You will be better able to understand her, and to speak to her and it will help her indirectly.
I love yah kiddo, no giving in and letting anything beat you down, it isnt worth it..
Hang tight, deep breathsthrow s***, hide under the covers, whatever you need to to get through the next few daysjust dont let go of the hope for you, for her
Big hugs,
Love,
Tina
Bryn
I know your tired of hearing "it will get better"- but it will. She is in pain & there is nothing more painful than a parent to know their child is in pain.
She is resisting all your attempts to reach out to her & that hurts. Man, I don't even know what to say except that you have to focus now more on yourself than her. She will come around sooner or later , if its later -so be it.
I dont want to make this post about my kid ,but believe me ,I know how you feel. He calls & begs for help, so me & my mom send up a care package full of extra warm winter clothes, a check, and a tin of home made cookies & a heartfelt letter. Do you think he called to thank us &at least respond to my moms letter? No- he called me & asked "Did you take care of my parking ticket"- No thanks for the care package & no call at all to my mom.
Try and take it easy . Try and except that she is checking out the world without her family for the 1st time & is confused and probably trying to do things herself ,her way- & thinks of you as intruding on her.
These kids just dont get it. Family ,especially family that loved them & raised them (when it would have been easy to pass them off because of our addictions)- will always be there whether they like it or not. Try not to take all her shiit personal & try to remember she has to suffer if she wants to sing the blues. - NOT -make others suffer
You can send private email if you want to discuss our kid issues ,so we dont bum out everyone on the site-
muchloveasalways
jack
I know your tired of hearing "it will get better"- but it will. She is in pain & there is nothing more painful than a parent to know their child is in pain.
She is resisting all your attempts to reach out to her & that hurts. Man, I don't even know what to say except that you have to focus now more on yourself than her. She will come around sooner or later , if its later -so be it.
I dont want to make this post about my kid ,but believe me ,I know how you feel. He calls & begs for help, so me & my mom send up a care package full of extra warm winter clothes, a check, and a tin of home made cookies & a heartfelt letter. Do you think he called to thank us &at least respond to my moms letter? No- he called me & asked "Did you take care of my parking ticket"- No thanks for the care package & no call at all to my mom.
Try and take it easy . Try and except that she is checking out the world without her family for the 1st time & is confused and probably trying to do things herself ,her way- & thinks of you as intruding on her.
These kids just dont get it. Family ,especially family that loved them & raised them (when it would have been easy to pass them off because of our addictions)- will always be there whether they like it or not. Try not to take all her shiit personal & try to remember she has to suffer if she wants to sing the blues. - NOT -make others suffer
You can send private email if you want to discuss our kid issues ,so we dont bum out everyone on the site-
muchloveasalways
jack
Bryn, Honey, I know your heart is bruised and battered, and it hurts so much.
You ask what's the point of going on? the point is, she is going to need you to be there for her when she finally grows up enough to see you as you really are.
Someone with flaws, sure, but the one person who loves her no matter how much of a pain she is, no matter how much she lashes out at you.
You have worked hard to get where you are. don't even think about throwing all that work away.
Keep venting, keep ranting, keep praying. We are all here for you.
I wish I could reach out & give you a hug that would comfort you. My heart aches for you Bryn.
rita
You ask what's the point of going on? the point is, she is going to need you to be there for her when she finally grows up enough to see you as you really are.
Someone with flaws, sure, but the one person who loves her no matter how much of a pain she is, no matter how much she lashes out at you.
You have worked hard to get where you are. don't even think about throwing all that work away.
Keep venting, keep ranting, keep praying. We are all here for you.
I wish I could reach out & give you a hug that would comfort you. My heart aches for you Bryn.
rita
Dear Bryn,
I am so sorry for the pain you're in. What an awful year and some you've had with her. Jack is right. She is in pain and lashing out at someone she knows she can hurt. That doesn't make it any easier. I wish I had some suggestions on how to deal. But I'm with you. Nothing hurts like a rift with our kids. They can hurt us like no other. I'll pray for you Bryn.
love, beck
I am so sorry for the pain you're in. What an awful year and some you've had with her. Jack is right. She is in pain and lashing out at someone she knows she can hurt. That doesn't make it any easier. I wish I had some suggestions on how to deal. But I'm with you. Nothing hurts like a rift with our kids. They can hurt us like no other. I'll pray for you Bryn.
love, beck
Bryn, I feel ya, I really do. Wow, how much easier to go to the dark side and numb yourself. It's not going to help though honey. The situations are still going to be there.
I know that you love your daughter, I don't doubt it. I know that it hurts. Any one of us addicts who have kids go through this. Not discounting your feelings, I'm empathizing.
A suggestion: instead of staying in this stagnation, and feelings of non self worth, well, how about doing something for someone else? Your daughter might not appreciate it, but someone else will. Shelters, food kitchens, address some cards to the troops...something along that vein. It will help you to get out of yourself, help to make you feel better about you. Your daughter doesn't want the attention right now, she wants to drag you down to her level of misery. I promise it will help you feel better about you.
Your daughter is a situation that you cannot change...recite the Serenity prayer, put it into action. Do for someone who will appreciate it for a change. Change the things you can, accept those you can't. Ask for the serenity to do this.
I love you sweetheart, you have a heart of gold. My email is always open. I will try to drop you a line sometime today.
but for now....
a big {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I know that you love your daughter, I don't doubt it. I know that it hurts. Any one of us addicts who have kids go through this. Not discounting your feelings, I'm empathizing.
A suggestion: instead of staying in this stagnation, and feelings of non self worth, well, how about doing something for someone else? Your daughter might not appreciate it, but someone else will. Shelters, food kitchens, address some cards to the troops...something along that vein. It will help you to get out of yourself, help to make you feel better about you. Your daughter doesn't want the attention right now, she wants to drag you down to her level of misery. I promise it will help you feel better about you.
Your daughter is a situation that you cannot change...recite the Serenity prayer, put it into action. Do for someone who will appreciate it for a change. Change the things you can, accept those you can't. Ask for the serenity to do this.
I love you sweetheart, you have a heart of gold. My email is always open. I will try to drop you a line sometime today.
but for now....
a big {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Hey Bryn...Ugh...I just want to drive over to philly and ring her little neck! Yes you were adddicted to heroin...but you are clean 3 yrs nowwwwwwwww!!! Your daughter needs to learn to let go...you are clean...what more can she possibly want from you...You have done nothing wrong bryn...you are a great mother...over the past yr or so i have read so many of your posts regarding your daughter and you have tried everything....i know you must be heart broken...i know you must be...but please hang in there...heroin is not the answer...you know that....let us know how you are doing...it will work out...i know you hate hearing that but one day it will...
Bryn, I know you are a fighter and not a victim. You will come through because you have the inner strength that it takes. Believe in yourself girl - come on!! xxx
Got no words for you tonight Bryn, not feeling too well...but just wanted to reply to say I'm thinking of you, I'm glad you're posting...please don't give up hope...there is always tomorrow...sorry that's s***...you're such an amazing person, with so much to give...wish I had words to make your world seem a better place...or as I once said to Sean...wish I could be your high.
God bless you and keep you strong...the sun will shine again.
Maddy x x x
God bless you and keep you strong...the sun will shine again.
Maddy x x x
Hey Bryn~ Tina gave all the finest wisdom on this sad subject of your daughter and how it's hurting you. Work on you, the whole you, not just the mom part. It took my girl 3 years to get well enough to be able to talk about how awful she was to me for so long - the name-calling, the physical struggles, the horrid things she said about me to others. When she finally burns out on feeling crappy all the time and hating everyone and everything she'll take care of her issues - but Tina's right, she's not ready and it's not the time. Let her come to you when she's ready - she will, but it might be quite a while. Take care of you, you are worth it.
Peace, Clarity, Healing~MomNMore
Peace, Clarity, Healing~MomNMore
UNACCEPATBLE!! I dont want to hear you talk like that your existance means too much to too many for you to give up in any way. You have to realize that shes lost right now--no don't feel sorry or pity for her --shes being a royal brat! But its not gonna change quickly--it will change, it wont be easy but shes learning and right now- EVERYTHING is your fault to her-is that fair--hell no but its reality, she know your gonna always be there, you have to move on for now-dont cut her off but STOP PUTTING YOURSELF through this weve all been watching this and ive even been telling you to continue reaching out--maybe you have reached out enough for now--time to pull back and build yourself up again stop mulliing over what should i do how should i act--let her come aroung-i bet if you stop calling her and texting her--lewtting her feel powerfull she will come around--shes punishing you--whether its right or wrong its happening--you will be ok--she will learn the lesson she is needing to learn eventually i feel for you so much-- I am seeing what i put my mom through--i did the same thing-- inever really hated her i was just young and angry and confused adn i wanted to blame shift to her because she would always be there wherease the others--my dad, my boyfreind, my friends may not if i show them my pain--i do not want to seem mean or unfeeling--but i feel your desapir like never before and--I cannot accept it just as you would not accept it from me BRYN UP! I love you I truly do and yeah my first reaction was--i wanna knock that little girl into some sense but the truth is that doesnt work--she has to fall and pick HERSELF up enough times to where she realizes she needs her mother--oh man im so sorry --but you should nknow i did come around and my mom and i are best friends now we talk multiple times a day she is my rock the only person i truly trust 100%
Bryn, I hate reading about you in so much pain. You have to remember that although getting clean was important for your daughter and your other loved ones....getting clean primarily was for you, so staying clean should be important for YOU. Give your daughter time, in which she will hurt, you will hurt, but after time has passed, she will grow up and realise that she can't act like this. She has to forgive you, you messed up, but that doesn't cancel all the years that you were the best mother and all the time that you have now been clean and all the years in the future that you will be clean. Stay strong and I'm thinking of you xxxx
Bryn, as you always say to me....life is what you make of it and I can see good things coming to you.
When things feel like its just not worth it, make it worthwhile. Walk through the tunnell with your head high and dig yourself out of this dark hole.
I cant imagine how you feel, but however you feel now, you would feel 100 times worse as an addict. At least you have that on your concience and you know you have done good in your life. You won a battle so many people loose.
Please please stay strong. All my love, hugs and kisses...Lynds xx
When things feel like its just not worth it, make it worthwhile. Walk through the tunnell with your head high and dig yourself out of this dark hole.
I cant imagine how you feel, but however you feel now, you would feel 100 times worse as an addict. At least you have that on your concience and you know you have done good in your life. You won a battle so many people loose.
Please please stay strong. All my love, hugs and kisses...Lynds xx
Please let us know how you are doin I have been thinking of you constantly,, it seems the world is getting so confused about how to treat one-another, its not that difficult!!!! Cant we all just get along--too many poeple are alone in a world Full of people--makes no sense to me--i love you bryn and hate ahte hate that you are in pain--and dont think you are owed it or its your carma or you deserve it for a minute--thats bull that s not how it workswhatever you did in your past is not what you do now! oh man i get so angry!!!itsalwaysthegood-hearted people who suffer the most heartache
Thank you all my dear ones. Thank you.
Don't worry about me none.........I gotta go detective up and track down some mean people for our girl here............know I am very grateful to you all.
Don't worry about me none.........I gotta go detective up and track down some mean people for our girl here............know I am very grateful to you all.
Hey! I'm the redneck, Bryn! Who do you want me to whup! I've been at wal-mart all day and I'm ready to kick the crap out of somebody! Preferably a last minute Christmas shopper! Oops!! I'd have to kick the crap out of myself......Never mind. I love ya' girl and I hate to see you in such pain. I know you don't feel it but...this too shall pass.
Yo, Shirley thanks.........whooping tail in Wal-Mart.....LOL!
Comes to the point I should have taken that thing was my daughter and knocked her into 2010..........I ain't hurt no more, Shirley.........I'm disgusted, and it wasn't me that made that kid ingnorant, and nasty.........selfish, and cocky.............she's disowned and in all sincereity I do not care if I ever see her again as long as I live.
Thank you though...........appreciate it, Shirley.
Comes to the point I should have taken that thing was my daughter and knocked her into 2010..........I ain't hurt no more, Shirley.........I'm disgusted, and it wasn't me that made that kid ingnorant, and nasty.........selfish, and cocky.............she's disowned and in all sincereity I do not care if I ever see her again as long as I live.
Thank you though...........appreciate it, Shirley.
Hey Bryn
Hope you don't mind me posting this reply.............
Although some of this has been covered already, you have to remember its always a two sided story with addiction. Theres the addict and the addicts family and both suffer in their own way. Im a mum of an 18 year old who I discovered just before her 17th birthday last December 06 was a heroin addict, injecting - the whole deal. Through the obvious devastation and heartache, Ive been on the most unbelievable nightmare of a journey which I could never have imagined. As ever, no one prepared any of us how to deal with these kinds of situations. What I have learnt however, is that as much as no one could have truly helped you get clean until YOU really wanted it for yourself, no one can help your daughter come to terms with her feelings until SHE is ready to do so. What you have to remember is the hurt she has been through is a different kind to yours but she does love you and that part is definite I can assure you. When we see someone we love so much hurt themselves, we use words like these to hide our heartache. Whatever my daughter has put me through.. (stealing, lying, cheating, false promises, and hopes etc... youve been there so you know the deal) it never stops me from loving her. At this moment Id give anything to have her home and clean but SHE isnt ready. Ive had to resort to tough love and throw her out because Id done the whole deal of trying to help her. In fact all Ive done is fail her by allowing her to carry on having things so easy.
YOU have so much to be proud of. being clean for 3 years!!! Although your daughter cant see it now, thats something she will eventually come to be proud of you for doing. Remember we always hurt the ones we love and say the most dreadful things in haste. Ive said some terrible things to my daughter and as an addict you can imagine the vicious things she has said and physically done to me. YOU, just as I've had to, have to say NO, Ive done my best and its time to look after ME for once. Were still there for our kids when they need us, but they have to find their own way in life the same as we have. YOUR time is NOW so please dont ever go back down the road of using YOU owe that much to YOURSELF and should be so proud of how far YOU have come.
As shes feeling this way at the moment, shell be hating herself now for saying such hateful things to you, so dont contact her. Let her sweat it out and shell soon be contacting you again.
You say you're not hurting but you patently are hurting and wouldnt be a mum if you werent.
As for saying that shes disowned and you dont care if you ever see her again, I dont believe that for one minute because in your heart you know you do.. youre her mum and a good one who loves her daughter faults and all.
Anyway Bryn, on a selfish note.what am I to do without you and all the other guys on here, I need your help, inspiration and honesty to get me through this nightmare journey with my daughter and I admire you so much.
Much love to you
Christina x
Hope you don't mind me posting this reply.............
Although some of this has been covered already, you have to remember its always a two sided story with addiction. Theres the addict and the addicts family and both suffer in their own way. Im a mum of an 18 year old who I discovered just before her 17th birthday last December 06 was a heroin addict, injecting - the whole deal. Through the obvious devastation and heartache, Ive been on the most unbelievable nightmare of a journey which I could never have imagined. As ever, no one prepared any of us how to deal with these kinds of situations. What I have learnt however, is that as much as no one could have truly helped you get clean until YOU really wanted it for yourself, no one can help your daughter come to terms with her feelings until SHE is ready to do so. What you have to remember is the hurt she has been through is a different kind to yours but she does love you and that part is definite I can assure you. When we see someone we love so much hurt themselves, we use words like these to hide our heartache. Whatever my daughter has put me through.. (stealing, lying, cheating, false promises, and hopes etc... youve been there so you know the deal) it never stops me from loving her. At this moment Id give anything to have her home and clean but SHE isnt ready. Ive had to resort to tough love and throw her out because Id done the whole deal of trying to help her. In fact all Ive done is fail her by allowing her to carry on having things so easy.
YOU have so much to be proud of. being clean for 3 years!!! Although your daughter cant see it now, thats something she will eventually come to be proud of you for doing. Remember we always hurt the ones we love and say the most dreadful things in haste. Ive said some terrible things to my daughter and as an addict you can imagine the vicious things she has said and physically done to me. YOU, just as I've had to, have to say NO, Ive done my best and its time to look after ME for once. Were still there for our kids when they need us, but they have to find their own way in life the same as we have. YOUR time is NOW so please dont ever go back down the road of using YOU owe that much to YOURSELF and should be so proud of how far YOU have come.
As shes feeling this way at the moment, shell be hating herself now for saying such hateful things to you, so dont contact her. Let her sweat it out and shell soon be contacting you again.
You say you're not hurting but you patently are hurting and wouldnt be a mum if you werent.
As for saying that shes disowned and you dont care if you ever see her again, I dont believe that for one minute because in your heart you know you do.. youre her mum and a good one who loves her daughter faults and all.
Anyway Bryn, on a selfish note.what am I to do without you and all the other guys on here, I need your help, inspiration and honesty to get me through this nightmare journey with my daughter and I admire you so much.
Much love to you
Christina x
I cannot help but notice we are seeing less of the brynster lately and that worries me andi too have to be selfish and say--i need you, bryn--whether you want it right now or not you are sucha n integral part of this recovery board, many of us count on your words and laughter and yes--tears too. the times you dont want to post are the times you need to--let it out--I love and admire every part of the woman you are, dont keep that from me--ill just hunt ya down--how about you join Bun Bun and come up to Kansas CIty and go one night stand shopping with us--theres some really cute mid-western men of all varieties in the city--take your pick, thatll get your mind off things......a little lust never hurt anyone LOL we can play with Kiala and my son can drive you nut, you can help me decorate my house--bring some of those nick-nacks you offered up for me to break I even have two futons for y'all to crash on--gosh this is sounding better and better. it sure would be cool huh!
Bryn
Hun where are you I read your post at the start of this thread and I felt how much you're hurting talk to me.
Tina is right hope and promise and love and faith
It's what we have, it's who we are, we don't disown people.
Even the ones who break our hearts especially the ones who break our hearts
We make like the beatles 'In times of trouble we let them be.' And WE TAKE CARE OF US.
Where are you?
Will check in tomorrow.
karen
Hun where are you I read your post at the start of this thread and I felt how much you're hurting talk to me.
Tina is right hope and promise and love and faith
It's what we have, it's who we are, we don't disown people.
Even the ones who break our hearts especially the ones who break our hearts
We make like the beatles 'In times of trouble we let them be.' And WE TAKE CARE OF US.
Where are you?
Will check in tomorrow.
karen
