Hi guys well I came back & delete my whole post.Why? well because my self pity stopped as soon as I started to talk to others on here & reaching out to a new commer.I dont know why I feel I always need to be strong & in control of my emotions but I guess thats what made me delete the post.It felt good to write it out & Im so glad I did but the magic of this board works in ALOT of different ways....mj
hey girl....
Ok, it's ok to miss the feeling...but you are strong and you have the sub to protect you....maybe something else is missing. Maybe there needs to be more to your way of recovery?
You're reaching out and sharing here, that's a big step MJ and not something you always do. I'm proud of you.
Can you cut off all contact with that guy?
Love
Lisa
Ok, it's ok to miss the feeling...but you are strong and you have the sub to protect you....maybe something else is missing. Maybe there needs to be more to your way of recovery?
You're reaching out and sharing here, that's a big step MJ and not something you always do. I'm proud of you.
Can you cut off all contact with that guy?
Love
Lisa
Lisa I love you.Your always there to inspire me.The guy that we ran into we've cut out of our lives totally,but tonight as we drove past his house he waved us over,he had to tell my BF something.
Bet you think Im a dope for deleteing the first post.After you said you were proud of me.I hope you still are.Your right I did take a step than 1/2 of one back huh.LOL Its a start right????mj
Bet you think Im a dope for deleteing the first post.After you said you were proud of me.I hope you still are.Your right I did take a step than 1/2 of one back huh.LOL Its a start right????mj
Aha! I caught you being weak before you could delete it!!!!! LOL
Molls, why do you feel like you have to be the strong one on here? Don't you know that others relate and learn from out experiences? It's about sharing.
You're such a silly goose.
Now put the post back so others can understand what the hell I was talking about.
XXX
Molls, why do you feel like you have to be the strong one on here? Don't you know that others relate and learn from out experiences? It's about sharing.
You're such a silly goose.
Now put the post back so others can understand what the hell I was talking about.
XXX
Hey MJ,
Lisa is right, you have the sub protecting you. Consider yourself very lucky. I am 5 days off of methadone "again" and back in wd. Guess you have to instead of remembering the good times, that good feeling of taking the pills, think about what made you want to get off them? You know the feeling of lathargic, not being able to really function, or be there 100% for the kids? Wish I could remember that before I think it's a good idea to do this again. Just hang in there, that feeling will pass. ( I have to learn to take my own advice). Thanks for the ecard. Happy Halloween.
Love,
Liz
Lisa is right, you have the sub protecting you. Consider yourself very lucky. I am 5 days off of methadone "again" and back in wd. Guess you have to instead of remembering the good times, that good feeling of taking the pills, think about what made you want to get off them? You know the feeling of lathargic, not being able to really function, or be there 100% for the kids? Wish I could remember that before I think it's a good idea to do this again. Just hang in there, that feeling will pass. ( I have to learn to take my own advice). Thanks for the ecard. Happy Halloween.
Love,
Liz
5 days..I'm pulling for you Liz. Yes, take your own advice. If you did, you wouldn't be going through this again. Of course if I'd taken mine, I would have 5 years instead of almost 2. Past doesn't matter. Stay in the now.
If you ever need to talk or vent, please email me. I've got really big shoulders.
MJ..Liz is right, we will forever be chasing that feeling. It will never feel again the way it did when we first used. Our addict tries to tell us otherwise.
Love to you both
Lisa
If you ever need to talk or vent, please email me. I've got really big shoulders.
MJ..Liz is right, we will forever be chasing that feeling. It will never feel again the way it did when we first used. Our addict tries to tell us otherwise.
Love to you both
Lisa
Dear Liz HEY good for you on day 5.Im sorry I didnt even know you were trying I would of checked on you.Lisa I would gladly put it back but I went to the post & backslash & deleted.Now Im embarrased thanks!!! No I really felt better after I started posted & it seemed so......silly conpared to others problems ya know?I guess ya think Im a real fool huh?I know reaching out to people is so easy & it makes me feel so good,its the reaching out for ME I have a hard time with.I wonder why?I mean I trust you guys on here about my problem probaly as much as I trust my BF(alot)so why cant I let myself be weak on here?If you guys have any idea please clue me in.
Liz now that I know what you are going through I just want to say that I think what your doing is such the right thing for you.You still have my addy so if your feeling weak & need to vent please know Im here for you ok.
OOPs gotta check dinner Ill be back
Liz now that I know what you are going through I just want to say that I think what your doing is such the right thing for you.You still have my addy so if your feeling weak & need to vent please know Im here for you ok.
OOPs gotta check dinner Ill be back
Hey MJ,
I can totally relate to the sadness of knowing you'll never get that feeling again.
BUT, since you've committed yourself to a life without pills, just for today, you DO get to feel:
* the gratitude that comes with helping a newcomer
* the joy of seeing a baby smile
* all of the other "normal" situations that cause emotion that the pills robbed us of.
And I'm definitely not going to preach to you about the sub, other than to say that your ability to feel joy and "good" emotions will only increase if and when you decide to get yourself off of it.
But I'm really, really proud of you for opening up your mouth and reaching out when you needed help. That, my friend, is what we call growth!
Love,
Matt
I can totally relate to the sadness of knowing you'll never get that feeling again.
BUT, since you've committed yourself to a life without pills, just for today, you DO get to feel:
* the gratitude that comes with helping a newcomer
* the joy of seeing a baby smile
* all of the other "normal" situations that cause emotion that the pills robbed us of.
And I'm definitely not going to preach to you about the sub, other than to say that your ability to feel joy and "good" emotions will only increase if and when you decide to get yourself off of it.
But I'm really, really proud of you for opening up your mouth and reaching out when you needed help. That, my friend, is what we call growth!
Love,
Matt
Dear Matt thank you for your kindness.The first thing on your list really struck me because honest that help me to stop with the self pity was to start posing a new commer.When I hear new commer or old commers who are trying again to get rid of the madness theres something about listening to their stuggle that like smacks me up side the head & makes me realize Im so darn lucky/If I didnt stop chances are I wouldnt of been here today right.I know I made the right choice & that selfish part of me was just chasing a fake feeling of happiness can rest ya know.
Anyways thank you.Ill be back I need to do some stuff around here.Im sure Ill be back...mj
Anyways thank you.Ill be back I need to do some stuff around here.Im sure Ill be back...mj
Hey MJ and Lisa,
Well, I just couldn't take it. When I get to that extreme craving and feeling sick and knowing that sh*t is here and I could have relief that's it. I ended up taking a half of a 10mg Methadone to take the edge off. I'm just too damn weak. I'm just not getting a grip on my life. I'm in an outpatient program and they will kick me out for sure if I'm caught doing this crap and already they suspect I'm using. This is the last place I can go to, been through them all around here. I'm really screwing up my life and I just can't stop it.
See MJ, This is what you miss?
Well, I just couldn't take it. When I get to that extreme craving and feeling sick and knowing that sh*t is here and I could have relief that's it. I ended up taking a half of a 10mg Methadone to take the edge off. I'm just too damn weak. I'm just not getting a grip on my life. I'm in an outpatient program and they will kick me out for sure if I'm caught doing this crap and already they suspect I'm using. This is the last place I can go to, been through them all around here. I'm really screwing up my life and I just can't stop it.
See MJ, This is what you miss?
Molly, what happened? I will catch up on my emails (whoohoo they are going through) and you can tell me there.
Liz, lady, there is no way I could make it with pills at my disposal. I am so weak. Knowing that I can get 5 minutes of relief.....right there....so I have absolutely no acess. Don't beat yourself up. Maybe it is time to make some other changes....you can do it. Your honesty inspires me.
I gotta go face the HR b**** and give up blood for insurance...lol. What a mess. I hope that I can look back on all of this and see it as the end of something bad, not the beginning of my demise.
Kerry
Liz, lady, there is no way I could make it with pills at my disposal. I am so weak. Knowing that I can get 5 minutes of relief.....right there....so I have absolutely no acess. Don't beat yourself up. Maybe it is time to make some other changes....you can do it. Your honesty inspires me.
I gotta go face the HR b**** and give up blood for insurance...lol. What a mess. I hope that I can look back on all of this and see it as the end of something bad, not the beginning of my demise.
Kerry
And by they way, molly, just know that we all care. You are special, my friend.
Kerry
Kerry
MJ,i didnt see your original post,but i think i get the idea of what its about.Im so much like you,i am a caregiver,ive always been THE caregiver.Im the oldest of seven girls and i helped raise them and immediately went from high school to having kids of my own and taking care of them.I've never learned how to reach out,ive ALWAYS had to be the strong one.Coming here has helped me to open up some,let a little of me come out.And i want to thank you so much for reaching out to me when i did,because it was very hard thing for me to do.So i know exactly what you mean about having a tough time doing that.I think we all hate to admit life isnt perfect,that we have problems,etc...but you know what,we are all the same,ALL of us.We share the same emotions,feelings,ups and downs.Not just being addicts but just being human,people are the same wherever you go.We need to learn to be able to ask for help,admit we can be weak from time to time.Tough thing to do,no doubt,but it does feel better,like you said,just writing it on here,like i did yesterday.It was extremely therapeutic.And again,thanks for offering me your friendship. I intend to return the favor!~KIM
If we don't take care of ourselves, we aren't any good to those that we take care of.
Very tough lesson to learn for some.(me)
Which is why I'm beginning to think I'm going to have to make some tough choices soon. I'm beginning to think my only hope is to get out of here. I can't get clean with these pills here. I may need to go into a crisis center and then from there they will get me a bed in a rehab. I may have to go into a half way house from there like they wanted me to do over the summer. My problem is, what about my kids? But, then I think of the point Lisa made, If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of them? I'm beginning to feel like there really isn't any hope for me any other way. I may have to do as they said, long term treatment. I'm hoping my kids will understand. Feeling like I'm between a rock and a hard place all the time.
Liz, grab the kids and come to Alabama. I've got a s***load of land and nothing to do with all of it. We could clear you off a spot and you could put a mobile home there or something.
I know the odds of you doing that aren't very high, but I really wouldn't mind. To be honest, I'd like the company.
You and I both know how hard it is to be with a man who wants us to use and supplies the means for it. But Liz, I am no better than you, no stronger or wiser or anything else. I fought tooth and nail at first, then I did what Sharon told me to. I had a fit. I mean a I will kick your a** into tomorrow fit if you ever try to give me another pill. I made sure the kids weren't home and I stood my ground like I'd never done before. I threatened everything imaginable and never even raised my voice. (I think he found that eerie, lol)
I used things against my husband that only the wife of an addict and one herself can do. I'm not even going to say cause I know you know.
Plain and simple, I scared him.
My recovery got a little respect after that. Alot of responsibility still lies with me. I can't ask...or beg or plead, but he's not going to offer either. He hides his stuff outside the house and takes nothing in my pressence. I still know if and when he's using (I'm not stupid) but it's not shoved in my face.
If you have no choice but to be where you are, then make it on your terms. You can do this, Liz. I've watched you since day one and I know how strong you are.
Congradulations on day five, my friend. I'm always an email away for you.
Love, Kat
Hey Molly, sorry if I hijacked your thread here. I really understand how Liz feels on this one. Some things you can really relate to when you live them. You're a sweetie, I know you'll understand.
I think in every mother and daughter is a caretaker. From the time we're babies and a doll is stuck in our hands, that trait sets in. I think learning to care for ourselves is something we have to try much harder to do.
take care, love, Kat
I know the odds of you doing that aren't very high, but I really wouldn't mind. To be honest, I'd like the company.
You and I both know how hard it is to be with a man who wants us to use and supplies the means for it. But Liz, I am no better than you, no stronger or wiser or anything else. I fought tooth and nail at first, then I did what Sharon told me to. I had a fit. I mean a I will kick your a** into tomorrow fit if you ever try to give me another pill. I made sure the kids weren't home and I stood my ground like I'd never done before. I threatened everything imaginable and never even raised my voice. (I think he found that eerie, lol)
I used things against my husband that only the wife of an addict and one herself can do. I'm not even going to say cause I know you know.
Plain and simple, I scared him.
My recovery got a little respect after that. Alot of responsibility still lies with me. I can't ask...or beg or plead, but he's not going to offer either. He hides his stuff outside the house and takes nothing in my pressence. I still know if and when he's using (I'm not stupid) but it's not shoved in my face.
If you have no choice but to be where you are, then make it on your terms. You can do this, Liz. I've watched you since day one and I know how strong you are.
Congradulations on day five, my friend. I'm always an email away for you.
Love, Kat
Hey Molly, sorry if I hijacked your thread here. I really understand how Liz feels on this one. Some things you can really relate to when you live them. You're a sweetie, I know you'll understand.
I think in every mother and daughter is a caretaker. From the time we're babies and a doll is stuck in our hands, that trait sets in. I think learning to care for ourselves is something we have to try much harder to do.
take care, love, Kat
Dear Kat,No actually your post to Liz was pretty cool so I dont mind you doing it at all.Ok Now that Im so over my pity party Id like to write hapened.If for nothing else to prove to myself I dont have to hide it here.
Tonight(earlier)My bf & I were out & as we drove by this guys house he waved us over.He had to talk to my BF about something.Well this person at one time would hand me 12 oxys like they were nothing.Anyways he told us he was doing some oxys(snorting)I didnt do it.I know the ONLY reason I didnt at the time was /is because of the Sub I take.But the problem was me after we left.I went into a ""AHHH ILL never feel that again crap)I say crap because I know its false feelings that I get from them.But for alittle while in my life I missed that feeling.
So this is basically what I first posted.But than I started to post to others & my self pity left so I took the post back off.Maybe I was ashame to admit I felt self pity,Im not sure why I took it off.
Liz you are right I think you have some real hard choices comming up but it sounds like your at that spot where your just so tired of feeling this way that you know its what you must do.I KNOW I myself could never stay clean if I lived with such acess ya know.If nothing else it would mess with me mentally.Liz you know that we will be here to do whatever we can to try to help.Never feel or try not to let yourself feel alone in this,people can understand.You deserve a happy life Liz I hope you realize that....mj
Tonight(earlier)My bf & I were out & as we drove by this guys house he waved us over.He had to talk to my BF about something.Well this person at one time would hand me 12 oxys like they were nothing.Anyways he told us he was doing some oxys(snorting)I didnt do it.I know the ONLY reason I didnt at the time was /is because of the Sub I take.But the problem was me after we left.I went into a ""AHHH ILL never feel that again crap)I say crap because I know its false feelings that I get from them.But for alittle while in my life I missed that feeling.
So this is basically what I first posted.But than I started to post to others & my self pity left so I took the post back off.Maybe I was ashame to admit I felt self pity,Im not sure why I took it off.
Liz you are right I think you have some real hard choices comming up but it sounds like your at that spot where your just so tired of feeling this way that you know its what you must do.I KNOW I myself could never stay clean if I lived with such acess ya know.If nothing else it would mess with me mentally.Liz you know that we will be here to do whatever we can to try to help.Never feel or try not to let yourself feel alone in this,people can understand.You deserve a happy life Liz I hope you realize that....mj
Hey MJ I just got home and was reading your post it is wild you were talking about the self pity thing I was posting last night about feeling guilty spending the money on my sb script when I could be spending it on my daughter even though it is not even 1/2 what I would spend in a month while I was still using but I really dont think I would have what I have now if it werent for the subs it just sucks sometimes I am only alittle over 2 months sober and most adys I feel good but sometimes I just hate knowing I am going to have to fight this forever and I know it is only one day at a time but that is alot of one days !!!
Best thread ive read in a long while. mj im sorry your having trouble right now your always a ray of sunshine. cg as always your right on the button very astute and always helpfull. Liz my friend its about time we caught up, Kat well what can i say you always say the right things at the right time. kerry your such a sweetheart hun. Ive learnt so much from the likes of you guys it never ceases to amaze me duh and i thought i was a requalr smart a.. lmao. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) jaxxxxxxxxxxxxx
