Hi Jad,
Just wanted you to know we're here to support you.
We've all been there.
Please know you can say anything ya want. Cry, laugh, scoff. That's how we do.
Hi Brenda
My son got hurt playing rugby today and landed up with a spock in his let and once again I'm not around man that is the s*** that makes me hate myself so much so I PHONED MY DEALER TODAY. I have on 4 ocasions lived with dealers at one stage stayed in a house with 17 dealers there were 6 of us in 1 bed room sleeping on the flour. Phoned Trev to see whats the buze I told him Ive stoped useing drugs but that I was dying for some drugs he sayed JAYZ that is what he calls me try and stick it out whart is that I KNOW we are friends but hello. So in the end I did not use. Trev and I were arrested together but it was thrown out of court a few years ago. So we will see.
Peace Out Jadene
My son got hurt playing rugby today and landed up with a spock in his let and once again I'm not around man that is the s*** that makes me hate myself so much so I PHONED MY DEALER TODAY. I have on 4 ocasions lived with dealers at one stage stayed in a house with 17 dealers there were 6 of us in 1 bed room sleeping on the flour. Phoned Trev to see whats the buze I told him Ive stoped useing drugs but that I was dying for some drugs he sayed JAYZ that is what he calls me try and stick it out whart is that I KNOW we are friends but hello. So in the end I did not use. Trev and I were arrested together but it was thrown out of court a few years ago. So we will see.
Peace Out Jadene
Hi Brenda
How are you doing today hope you are doing ok.
As for me I was just thinking how easy it was when I took drugs I felt no guilt and no shame no matter what I did.
Now the guilt eats away at me bit by bit.
On top of all the crimes last year I started whoring I met this woman who had been doing it for years and she tought me every thing and I made so much money. The first time I cryed and cryed my ex used to sleep around alot and I was doing this to other woman but I was making enough money to dime the pain and I hate the fact that I even did things like that how do I get over this any advice?
What drugs did you take? Or what is your story
chat soon I hope cheers jadene
How are you doing today hope you are doing ok.
As for me I was just thinking how easy it was when I took drugs I felt no guilt and no shame no matter what I did.
Now the guilt eats away at me bit by bit.
On top of all the crimes last year I started whoring I met this woman who had been doing it for years and she tought me every thing and I made so much money. The first time I cryed and cryed my ex used to sleep around alot and I was doing this to other woman but I was making enough money to dime the pain and I hate the fact that I even did things like that how do I get over this any advice?
What drugs did you take? Or what is your story
chat soon I hope cheers jadene
Jadene, go to an NA meeting and spill it...lots of people have been where you are. the guilt and shame will eat you alive, but in the rooms you can learn to forgive yourself.
Do it for your children ~ MomNMore
Do it for your children ~ MomNMore
I was wondering how you got high on methadone and then you mentioned crack pipes so that answers that. Crack, what a waste of money, but aren't all drugs? Then you said one of your dealers told you to stay on the straight and narrow ( as a dealer he couldn't be making much money telling his customers to stay clean ). That kinda blew me away. Just my 2 cents. No matter, if you want to talk to people who want to stay clean, you found the right site. Mike.
O.K. where you at Jad?
Jadey, if the dealer told ya not to use like Mike said that's HUGE. What better sign can ya get to stay clean than have a dealer tell you no?
Mike, in all honestly I had that happen to me twice. I didn't know the people and I've been clean almost seven years. I can't believe that. Seven years in May. Anyway, once while I was waiting in an alley in a line they quick run out and wait on ya. The guy told me "You don't belong here. I've seen you here. Go home. I won't serve you". Of course I'm flippin fuming and tell him I'm not the cops. I'm no narc. I'm a junkie see? He's like I know and you shouldn't be and I won't wait on ya. You wanna wind up like all these other people? Quit now.
The other time the dude was like "About time for you to look at yourself. You're in it now. It's not too late, lady. Go home". I mean there's actually decent human beings out there. Maybe they have to support a family? It's all about money and it's really rare, but sounds like Jad's "friend" cares about her. Underneath all our ugly are beautiful people that just got caught up.
Jadene, get your tail back here, pronto. So, your son got hurt? You were missing? God forbid he gets another knot or bruise or whatever you CAN be there. Definately good move ditching your crack pipe. Sorry, I don't know sqaut about crack except it makes ya nuts, runs your life and messes your teeth up. Oh yeah and makes ya nuts.
Thinking of ya, honey. Hoping you are alive. Hoping ya didn't pick up.
Jadey, if the dealer told ya not to use like Mike said that's HUGE. What better sign can ya get to stay clean than have a dealer tell you no?
Mike, in all honestly I had that happen to me twice. I didn't know the people and I've been clean almost seven years. I can't believe that. Seven years in May. Anyway, once while I was waiting in an alley in a line they quick run out and wait on ya. The guy told me "You don't belong here. I've seen you here. Go home. I won't serve you". Of course I'm flippin fuming and tell him I'm not the cops. I'm no narc. I'm a junkie see? He's like I know and you shouldn't be and I won't wait on ya. You wanna wind up like all these other people? Quit now.
The other time the dude was like "About time for you to look at yourself. You're in it now. It's not too late, lady. Go home". I mean there's actually decent human beings out there. Maybe they have to support a family? It's all about money and it's really rare, but sounds like Jad's "friend" cares about her. Underneath all our ugly are beautiful people that just got caught up.
Jadene, get your tail back here, pronto. So, your son got hurt? You were missing? God forbid he gets another knot or bruise or whatever you CAN be there. Definately good move ditching your crack pipe. Sorry, I don't know sqaut about crack except it makes ya nuts, runs your life and messes your teeth up. Oh yeah and makes ya nuts.
Thinking of ya, honey. Hoping you are alive. Hoping ya didn't pick up.
Hi Brenda
How are you doing?
Did I MABY not explain myself properly. I had a box that I kept my needles, crack pipe, spoon.lighter, blaid, foil, and a scracher for my pipe but could never have it in my heart to throw it away and have kept the box all this time.
So yesterday I made up my mind and threw it away. I feel that was a big step for me. Maby my brain is f***ed and my memory is shot but I write as I remember.
Then what I was explaining I lived with a drug dealer and once we were arrested together but nothing came of it. His name is Trevor I have also lived with other dealers but Trev and I always remained friends. I phoned him and told him I had stoped using but that I realy wanted to get high. He said Jayz that is what he called me he said that I must hold out believe me if you had to see what I look like on drugs you would thingk I was dead.
For me I loved drugs it to all my pain away from the first day I started using drugs I never stoped and could not go with out for even one day.
Not counting weed and dringking whitch I've done all my life. I started using coke and acid with in 3 months I started herion, crack, mandrax and cocktails and after that there were no limits. In no time I lost my job my kids and gave up on life and there was no stopping me.
Listen I know I'm fryed and dont know if I can ever come right but I'm going to try and that is all I have right now.
Thankyou for your support and the kind words I dont have straight friend so just know it means alot to me
Regards Jadene
How are you doing?
Did I MABY not explain myself properly. I had a box that I kept my needles, crack pipe, spoon.lighter, blaid, foil, and a scracher for my pipe but could never have it in my heart to throw it away and have kept the box all this time.
So yesterday I made up my mind and threw it away. I feel that was a big step for me. Maby my brain is f***ed and my memory is shot but I write as I remember.
Then what I was explaining I lived with a drug dealer and once we were arrested together but nothing came of it. His name is Trevor I have also lived with other dealers but Trev and I always remained friends. I phoned him and told him I had stoped using but that I realy wanted to get high. He said Jayz that is what he called me he said that I must hold out believe me if you had to see what I look like on drugs you would thingk I was dead.
For me I loved drugs it to all my pain away from the first day I started using drugs I never stoped and could not go with out for even one day.
Not counting weed and dringking whitch I've done all my life. I started using coke and acid with in 3 months I started herion, crack, mandrax and cocktails and after that there were no limits. In no time I lost my job my kids and gave up on life and there was no stopping me.
Listen I know I'm fryed and dont know if I can ever come right but I'm going to try and that is all I have right now.
Thankyou for your support and the kind words I dont have straight friend so just know it means alot to me
Regards Jadene
Brenda
SORRY IF I SOUNDED ANGRY THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION
I dont know all the termanologie for the drugs I've used and it makes me feel like an idiot so sorry if I came across that way
cheers jadene
SORRY IF I SOUNDED ANGRY THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION
I dont know all the termanologie for the drugs I've used and it makes me feel like an idiot so sorry if I came across that way
cheers jadene
Hi Brenda
Sorry one of my down days today
Have you ever given up on the life you live to the point that you no longer wanted to live sitting wishing that death would knock on your door.
My life really is messed up I just don't know any more dont know if I really have the strength to make it in this life. Everyone seems to know what direction their lives are going in but not me I just dint feel like I'm going any were.
Last night as always I could not sleep I felt like I had this presser on my chest and you know when you have busyness in you legs and you just want to stretch and your skin starts to itch that is how I felt. When I fell asleep I dreamt aboud drugs lots of drugs I was sitting at this table and on the table there was crystal meth, herion, crack, mandrax, acid, pipes,neddles all my faviourt drug and in my dream I so happy. When I woke up I was wet from all the sweat. What the hell and it is not the first time that has happened what is wrong with me?
Thanx for listning to all my ****.
Jadene
Sorry one of my down days today
Have you ever given up on the life you live to the point that you no longer wanted to live sitting wishing that death would knock on your door.
My life really is messed up I just don't know any more dont know if I really have the strength to make it in this life. Everyone seems to know what direction their lives are going in but not me I just dint feel like I'm going any were.
Last night as always I could not sleep I felt like I had this presser on my chest and you know when you have busyness in you legs and you just want to stretch and your skin starts to itch that is how I felt. When I fell asleep I dreamt aboud drugs lots of drugs I was sitting at this table and on the table there was crystal meth, herion, crack, mandrax, acid, pipes,neddles all my faviourt drug and in my dream I so happy. When I woke up I was wet from all the sweat. What the hell and it is not the first time that has happened what is wrong with me?
Thanx for listning to all my ****.
Jadene
Jad,
You never need to apologize to me. I've been there. I know that frustration. Desperatness. Hey, wail on me, babes. It's O.K.
Drug dreams are the worse. I'm sorry you're suffering.
Yep, been in that place. The dark hole. The "What the fr*g am I even doing on this earth. Just frea*in let me die". Absolutely. Watching everybody I know move ahead. Move on. Have families. Get good careers. Sport expensive clothes and go on holiday.
Jad, guess what? They all got their own s*it. Pay them no mind. You gotta worry about you. You're in hell as it is, but you're doing it. Give yourself some credit. It's no easy feat.
Again last thing you need is to be sorry. We're all here to help ya help yourself. Hang on honey. Hang on. I promise it gets better. I used to not believe it when an old head would tell me that, but it really does.
Walk, run, cry, shout, punch a wall. Do anything ya can to fight it, Jadene. I got the sneaking suspicion you're one tough cookie. I'm with ya, Jad.
You never need to apologize to me. I've been there. I know that frustration. Desperatness. Hey, wail on me, babes. It's O.K.
Drug dreams are the worse. I'm sorry you're suffering.
Yep, been in that place. The dark hole. The "What the fr*g am I even doing on this earth. Just frea*in let me die". Absolutely. Watching everybody I know move ahead. Move on. Have families. Get good careers. Sport expensive clothes and go on holiday.
Jad, guess what? They all got their own s*it. Pay them no mind. You gotta worry about you. You're in hell as it is, but you're doing it. Give yourself some credit. It's no easy feat.
Again last thing you need is to be sorry. We're all here to help ya help yourself. Hang on honey. Hang on. I promise it gets better. I used to not believe it when an old head would tell me that, but it really does.
Walk, run, cry, shout, punch a wall. Do anything ya can to fight it, Jadene. I got the sneaking suspicion you're one tough cookie. I'm with ya, Jad.
Hi Brenda
Brenda how long before I get better it feels like it is taking forever I've done the crying and a lot of it I don't really thingk I'm very strong at all and feel as though I'm fighting a lossing battle. I feel afraid all the time to scared to go and do anything.
You know when I was on drugs no one could hurt me I had no fear yes my boyfiend at the time f*d me up every day but I fought bad, I was stabed by 2 men and fought back, I was held at gun point with my family and got though it all my life I've had to fight and I just don't thingk I have it in me any more my mom and dad smoked weed and my dad smoked mandrax my mom had a short temper so I've been messed up all my life. I don't have the strength and I'm so tied but never sleep.
Thankyou for understanding
Jadene
Brenda how long before I get better it feels like it is taking forever I've done the crying and a lot of it I don't really thingk I'm very strong at all and feel as though I'm fighting a lossing battle. I feel afraid all the time to scared to go and do anything.
You know when I was on drugs no one could hurt me I had no fear yes my boyfiend at the time f*d me up every day but I fought bad, I was stabed by 2 men and fought back, I was held at gun point with my family and got though it all my life I've had to fight and I just don't thingk I have it in me any more my mom and dad smoked weed and my dad smoked mandrax my mom had a short temper so I've been messed up all my life. I don't have the strength and I'm so tied but never sleep.
Thankyou for understanding
Jadene
Jad,
So sorry I don't have the majic answer. I wish I did.
It takes time. I believe you're way stronger than ya think.
The no sleep is a killer I know that. I remember that. Basically ya have to have the faith in yourself is what it comes down to.
Sorry about your parents. I think we all had our issues. Each of us. They say we can't use that as an excuse. I'm not minimizing it. Not at all. It had to s*ck, but you're bigger than that. Obviously stronger as well.
Don't cave. You're coming out the other side.
So sorry I don't have the majic answer. I wish I did.
It takes time. I believe you're way stronger than ya think.
The no sleep is a killer I know that. I remember that. Basically ya have to have the faith in yourself is what it comes down to.
Sorry about your parents. I think we all had our issues. Each of us. They say we can't use that as an excuse. I'm not minimizing it. Not at all. It had to s*ck, but you're bigger than that. Obviously stronger as well.
Don't cave. You're coming out the other side.
Hi Brenda
I always thought that if I just stop using drugs all the s*** in my life will get better but it feels worse. My past haunts me all the time and I just can't let it go.
Brenda you have so much good advice and I am glad that we can chat or that I have some one to vent to thankyou. You know I've always felt so alone in this world even when I was surounded by my ex friends and more so now that I don't have any friends at all every person I have dated or become friends with are drug addicts I don't know straight people strange hey.
How long have you been clean for now and do you ever just want to give up. For me it's not me so much that I'm worried about me but my 2 boys I love them so much and miss them. Before when I used I would just get high to numbe the pain. Now I want to see them.
I'm really thingking of getting a bus ticket it is a 16 hrs drive to go and see them and wonder if they will see that I'm off drugs or will I just upaset them because I will go and come back home and know that they will want to come with me bit they can't because I signed them over to my ex.
I alwys make the wrong choises in life or I would not be were I amd and hope to make the right one for once I dought my ability to make the wright choise.
cheers Jadene
I always thought that if I just stop using drugs all the s*** in my life will get better but it feels worse. My past haunts me all the time and I just can't let it go.
Brenda you have so much good advice and I am glad that we can chat or that I have some one to vent to thankyou. You know I've always felt so alone in this world even when I was surounded by my ex friends and more so now that I don't have any friends at all every person I have dated or become friends with are drug addicts I don't know straight people strange hey.
How long have you been clean for now and do you ever just want to give up. For me it's not me so much that I'm worried about me but my 2 boys I love them so much and miss them. Before when I used I would just get high to numbe the pain. Now I want to see them.
I'm really thingking of getting a bus ticket it is a 16 hrs drive to go and see them and wonder if they will see that I'm off drugs or will I just upaset them because I will go and come back home and know that they will want to come with me bit they can't because I signed them over to my ex.
I alwys make the wrong choises in life or I would not be were I amd and hope to make the right one for once I dought my ability to make the wright choise.
cheers Jadene
Dear Jadene,
Just wanted to write and let you know that you're not alone. And if you want a "straighty" to talk to, I'm the one. I'm as straight as a junkie comes, believe me. Church girl from a good family, all of that. I would LOVE to chat, so write to me if you get the chance. As you can see from my initial post, I've been through a fair bit for a straighty.
Try to hang in there. I know what it's like to make it through one moment at a time. And it will get better.
Rachel :)
Just wanted to write and let you know that you're not alone. And if you want a "straighty" to talk to, I'm the one. I'm as straight as a junkie comes, believe me. Church girl from a good family, all of that. I would LOVE to chat, so write to me if you get the chance. As you can see from my initial post, I've been through a fair bit for a straighty.
Try to hang in there. I know what it's like to make it through one moment at a time. And it will get better.
Rachel :)
Hi Jadene,
Welcome to the heroin board. Lots of good people and good advice on this site. I found people who were direct but not unpleasant, accurate and clear about what I was doing that I couldn't see at the time was a real risk to my recovery. I started on this site in October 2009 just after I had gone cold turkey and I had people walk me through the ups and downs every step of the way. From sidestepping potential 'landmines' to just encouraging me to hang in there whenever I got down or felt low. I reached rock bottom and I think the worst is past me but it's impossible to say. I was advised to start N.A. meetings. Initially very skeptical, I have since found NA to be invaluable not so much for it's doctrine, dogma or methodology but for the fellowship it provides. There are people there at every stage of recovery and no one ever judges you. It is just filled with people that want to know how they can get and stay clean and others who are more than willing to help.
I hope you get as much as I have from coming onto this site. Best of luck.
Reshiie.
p.s. you mentioned your son plays rugby. I did too at boarding school and at uni. Is he a forward playing in the scrum or is he a back like me( I started at outside centre moved onto the wings and ended as the fullback as I'm quite slight for a bloke)
Welcome to the heroin board. Lots of good people and good advice on this site. I found people who were direct but not unpleasant, accurate and clear about what I was doing that I couldn't see at the time was a real risk to my recovery. I started on this site in October 2009 just after I had gone cold turkey and I had people walk me through the ups and downs every step of the way. From sidestepping potential 'landmines' to just encouraging me to hang in there whenever I got down or felt low. I reached rock bottom and I think the worst is past me but it's impossible to say. I was advised to start N.A. meetings. Initially very skeptical, I have since found NA to be invaluable not so much for it's doctrine, dogma or methodology but for the fellowship it provides. There are people there at every stage of recovery and no one ever judges you. It is just filled with people that want to know how they can get and stay clean and others who are more than willing to help.
I hope you get as much as I have from coming onto this site. Best of luck.
Reshiie.
p.s. you mentioned your son plays rugby. I did too at boarding school and at uni. Is he a forward playing in the scrum or is he a back like me( I started at outside centre moved onto the wings and ended as the fullback as I'm quite slight for a bloke)
Hi RISHIE
To tell you the truth and this is hard for me I dont know what position both my boys play as they have not lived with me for 3 years and now is the first time 2010 that I have started phoning them.
From the day they were taken away from me for using drugs I got high and stayed high I never had the guts to phone them or have always been to out of it to visit them I have been such a bad mother and it is one of the thinks that I could never fogive myself for. They hate staying with my ex and even though I have started to phone them it kills me and I hate myself for what I have done to them. I am their mother but not a good one. So my boys are 8 and 12 and I don't know much about them like what possition they play.
Rishie hope to chat to you
Jadene
To tell you the truth and this is hard for me I dont know what position both my boys play as they have not lived with me for 3 years and now is the first time 2010 that I have started phoning them.
From the day they were taken away from me for using drugs I got high and stayed high I never had the guts to phone them or have always been to out of it to visit them I have been such a bad mother and it is one of the thinks that I could never fogive myself for. They hate staying with my ex and even though I have started to phone them it kills me and I hate myself for what I have done to them. I am their mother but not a good one. So my boys are 8 and 12 and I don't know much about them like what possition they play.
Rishie hope to chat to you
Jadene
Hi Castlereche
Thank you for your support it means alot to me.
We could not be more differant I come from a bad family I' as scew as they come and don't believe in god.
But my out look on life is f*d or I would not be were I am
If you do what you did you get what you got I thingk a new look on things might be good.
Thankyou for the support
Jadene
Thank you for your support it means alot to me.
We could not be more differant I come from a bad family I' as scew as they come and don't believe in god.
But my out look on life is f*d or I would not be were I am
If you do what you did you get what you got I thingk a new look on things might be good.
Thankyou for the support
Jadene
Hi Jadene,
What do you mean a new outlook? Believe me, lots has been challenged in my faith during the past year, but I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for God looking after me.
It's really great that you're contacting your boys and I hope in time you'll be able to see them again. It must be so hard to have kids and not be able to see them. Do you have court dates for reviews on your situation with them or anything? If they are 8 and 12 they might like it if you wrote to them and communicated that way?
Take care of yourself and write soon.
Rachel :)
What do you mean a new outlook? Believe me, lots has been challenged in my faith during the past year, but I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for God looking after me.
It's really great that you're contacting your boys and I hope in time you'll be able to see them again. It must be so hard to have kids and not be able to see them. Do you have court dates for reviews on your situation with them or anything? If they are 8 and 12 they might like it if you wrote to them and communicated that way?
Take care of yourself and write soon.
Rachel :)
Hi RACHEL
When I said my out look on life what I meant is that don't believe in god or saitan heaven or hell and that because of my worped mind and were I am in my life I may not have the right idea of life any way or I would not be were I am in my life. Am I making any sence well I hope that is clear
Regards
Jadene
When I said my out look on life what I meant is that don't believe in god or saitan heaven or hell and that because of my worped mind and were I am in my life I may not have the right idea of life any way or I would not be were I am in my life. Am I making any sence well I hope that is clear
Regards
Jadene
Hi Jadene,
How are you doing today? Been thinking of you. I've been better but not going too badly.
I know what you mean now about a different outlook. We've certainly had different paths, but we still have a lot in common, I am sure. We're both hooked, aren't we?
Take care and write soon,
Rachel
How are you doing today? Been thinking of you. I've been better but not going too badly.
I know what you mean now about a different outlook. We've certainly had different paths, but we still have a lot in common, I am sure. We're both hooked, aren't we?
Take care and write soon,
Rachel
