Hi Rachel
I see you are on line
I geuss you are right we do have a lot in comine we are both addicts and though we come from differant pathes we still ended up the same.
I,m not to bad today been crying some times the pain overwelms me and I feel down and I just cry after I thought I had nothing left to cry I cry some more but I will get over it.
How are you doing
REGARDS
Jadene
Hi Jad,
I'm sorry that you feel so down and I feel that you are very very hard on yourself. Plus I don not agree with your assertion that you are a bad mother. The very fact that you feel bad for not being there for them shows otherwise. If you were really a bad mum Jad, you wouldn't feel bad. You just wouldn't care. But you obviously do care. As for "getting high and staying that way", well that just means that you have a drug problem. Guess what Jad, so do millions of women worldwide. It does NOT make you a bad person. You have a problem Jad. One that is diabolically difficult to overcome and many that get ensnared in it never do. I'm sure you must know of people who have OD'd and yet others who are spending long spells in prison. To me, you are extremely courageous in that you have faced up to the fact that you have a problem and are trying desperately to overcome it. It is nothing short of heroic and I applaude your efforts.
I know things may not seem that way now. I've been clean now just over 6 months. It was only recently that I noticed that the vivid nightmares have got less than before. The sleep disruption/deprivation is a real bummer I know. You're just so tired all the time but even though you're about to collapse from exhaustion, your mind just will not switch off. There is no torment like it and no one who has not been through it can possibly understand it. It was only recently that I had almost like a visual hallucination. Having just woken up I was absolutely dead certain that there was a needle and some smack behind the wallpaper and I went to my toolbox and got my axe and a saw out of it. I would have hacked the wall down had someone not been there to stop me. Believe me Jad, I know it can be scary. Equally scary is the thought of losing your kids. I know because I have a beautiful little 3 year old girl who is the world to me and I was in constant fear of losing her for a very long time. But you know what, by getting clean and staying clean, you have just pushed the odds very much in your own favour.
Rome wasn't built in a day Jad. I hope you will give yourself a chance for the self-inflicted wounds to heal and with that healing will come happiness. Give yourself the chance to be happy Jad and to be a good mum which I have no doubt you have the potential to be but most of all, to be happy in yourself.
Take care Jad. It's nice chatting to you. Hope to hear from you soon.
Reshie.
I'm sorry that you feel so down and I feel that you are very very hard on yourself. Plus I don not agree with your assertion that you are a bad mother. The very fact that you feel bad for not being there for them shows otherwise. If you were really a bad mum Jad, you wouldn't feel bad. You just wouldn't care. But you obviously do care. As for "getting high and staying that way", well that just means that you have a drug problem. Guess what Jad, so do millions of women worldwide. It does NOT make you a bad person. You have a problem Jad. One that is diabolically difficult to overcome and many that get ensnared in it never do. I'm sure you must know of people who have OD'd and yet others who are spending long spells in prison. To me, you are extremely courageous in that you have faced up to the fact that you have a problem and are trying desperately to overcome it. It is nothing short of heroic and I applaude your efforts.
I know things may not seem that way now. I've been clean now just over 6 months. It was only recently that I noticed that the vivid nightmares have got less than before. The sleep disruption/deprivation is a real bummer I know. You're just so tired all the time but even though you're about to collapse from exhaustion, your mind just will not switch off. There is no torment like it and no one who has not been through it can possibly understand it. It was only recently that I had almost like a visual hallucination. Having just woken up I was absolutely dead certain that there was a needle and some smack behind the wallpaper and I went to my toolbox and got my axe and a saw out of it. I would have hacked the wall down had someone not been there to stop me. Believe me Jad, I know it can be scary. Equally scary is the thought of losing your kids. I know because I have a beautiful little 3 year old girl who is the world to me and I was in constant fear of losing her for a very long time. But you know what, by getting clean and staying clean, you have just pushed the odds very much in your own favour.
Rome wasn't built in a day Jad. I hope you will give yourself a chance for the self-inflicted wounds to heal and with that healing will come happiness. Give yourself the chance to be happy Jad and to be a good mum which I have no doubt you have the potential to be but most of all, to be happy in yourself.
Take care Jad. It's nice chatting to you. Hope to hear from you soon.
Reshie.
Jadene,
Where you at chica?
Thinking of ya.
Where you at chica?
Thinking of ya.
Hi Jadene,
Not such a good day today. Stuffed up and am subsequently on the nod a bit now here at work.
I wish I could make Sammy understand that this is not just an overnight fix, but that it's going to haunt me for a long time. And to quit cold turkey (even if I am on Suboxone) is painful.
I know what it's like to cry and cry and cry and then cry some more, until you think you have cried out every tear for the next year and your whole face aches. It is times like that that I am reminded in the verse in the Bible where it says God collects all my tears in a bottle and not one escapes unnoticed.
Take care of yourself,
Rachel
XXXXXXXXX
Not such a good day today. Stuffed up and am subsequently on the nod a bit now here at work.
I wish I could make Sammy understand that this is not just an overnight fix, but that it's going to haunt me for a long time. And to quit cold turkey (even if I am on Suboxone) is painful.
I know what it's like to cry and cry and cry and then cry some more, until you think you have cried out every tear for the next year and your whole face aches. It is times like that that I am reminded in the verse in the Bible where it says God collects all my tears in a bottle and not one escapes unnoticed.
Take care of yourself,
Rachel
XXXXXXXXX
Hi Jadene
I've just been reading about how a few days back you was thinking about making the trek to go see your kids. I know your mind will be filled with all kinds of things why you should why you shouldn't what impact your visit will have. Well it's just a suggestion but straight away I thought it might be a good idea if you send a card to each child personally then you've made contact and they can see that you are thinking about them not to mention what you might decide to write inside the card fun things with lots of love yeah. The thing about doing it this way as well is you can build on this kind of communication until your able to make the face to face commitment. Children often keep things to themselves and I see a picture of your boy's inside their room in private reading and re-reading the great words what their mother has took the time out to send to them Try it, it might be the start of something good.
I've just been reading about how a few days back you was thinking about making the trek to go see your kids. I know your mind will be filled with all kinds of things why you should why you shouldn't what impact your visit will have. Well it's just a suggestion but straight away I thought it might be a good idea if you send a card to each child personally then you've made contact and they can see that you are thinking about them not to mention what you might decide to write inside the card fun things with lots of love yeah. The thing about doing it this way as well is you can build on this kind of communication until your able to make the face to face commitment. Children often keep things to themselves and I see a picture of your boy's inside their room in private reading and re-reading the great words what their mother has took the time out to send to them Try it, it might be the start of something good.
Hi Oneaway,
Great idea--I suggested something similar earlier on. I really think you should try it, Jadene. I'm sure the boys would love it. :)
Rachel :)
Great idea--I suggested something similar earlier on. I really think you should try it, Jadene. I'm sure the boys would love it. :)
Rachel :)
Hi Brenda
Yes I'm still around but only just not feel like myself.
I'm taking strain Brenda been phoning my boys but no one is answering. Then went to sleep at a friend of mine's place he has been clean for 4 years but dringks like a fish. I have been really down I just feel so alone in this world and don't feel like I even want to go on with this fight of mine. It is just so so hard.
So we had a dringk and told him what is going on and asked him if we could get some one to deliver somthing any thing to us to smoke. It was about 3 in the morning and he said yes. I phoned around but there was no answer.
In the end nothing happened and today I thought about it and I wish I had gotten some thing even if we had to drive to get drugs I don't want to feel like this I just want the pain to go away.
Regards
Jadene
Yes I'm still around but only just not feel like myself.
I'm taking strain Brenda been phoning my boys but no one is answering. Then went to sleep at a friend of mine's place he has been clean for 4 years but dringks like a fish. I have been really down I just feel so alone in this world and don't feel like I even want to go on with this fight of mine. It is just so so hard.
So we had a dringk and told him what is going on and asked him if we could get some one to deliver somthing any thing to us to smoke. It was about 3 in the morning and he said yes. I phoned around but there was no answer.
In the end nothing happened and today I thought about it and I wish I had gotten some thing even if we had to drive to get drugs I don't want to feel like this I just want the pain to go away.
Regards
Jadene
Dear Jadene,
Sounds like you're really struggling today. There are days where I just want to forget everything. Each day is such a struggle and what non-addicts don't realise is how draining each sober day is and how easy it is just to give in. Don't give up on yourself, Jadene. Your boys love you and you'll be able to talk to them again soon, I am sure. Remember they're asking about you staying clean. They want to be with you, Jadene. Do this for yourself and your kids. You can stay strong for them if not for yourself. In the end, though, you need to believe that you deserve a better life and then fight for it. There's no other way but to learn to believe in yourself.
Take care and write soon,
Rachel
Sounds like you're really struggling today. There are days where I just want to forget everything. Each day is such a struggle and what non-addicts don't realise is how draining each sober day is and how easy it is just to give in. Don't give up on yourself, Jadene. Your boys love you and you'll be able to talk to them again soon, I am sure. Remember they're asking about you staying clean. They want to be with you, Jadene. Do this for yourself and your kids. You can stay strong for them if not for yourself. In the end, though, you need to believe that you deserve a better life and then fight for it. There's no other way but to learn to believe in yourself.
Take care and write soon,
Rachel
DEAR RACHEL
You know Rachel I gave up on myself and life along time ago.
All the c*** going on in my life is eating away at me I,ve been trying to fiind my way back home but the path infront of me seems so dark I am so lost I just don't know which way to go next.
I just want to calm my mind down for a while.
My thoughts are messed up and can't get them to just stop, do my boys really deserve some one like me I feel that they deserve better than what I am.
I'm a criminal I'm a w**** I'm broken I don't know how to fix myself.
If I had money I would go and get messed up off my face.
Do you ever feel like life is to hard to confusing to go on that is how I feel today.
Rachel sorry to off load like this on you but I don't have peple that I can talk to.
I feel so alone in this huge world
Thanks for listening
Peace Out
Jadene
You know Rachel I gave up on myself and life along time ago.
All the c*** going on in my life is eating away at me I,ve been trying to fiind my way back home but the path infront of me seems so dark I am so lost I just don't know which way to go next.
I just want to calm my mind down for a while.
My thoughts are messed up and can't get them to just stop, do my boys really deserve some one like me I feel that they deserve better than what I am.
I'm a criminal I'm a w**** I'm broken I don't know how to fix myself.
If I had money I would go and get messed up off my face.
Do you ever feel like life is to hard to confusing to go on that is how I feel today.
Rachel sorry to off load like this on you but I don't have peple that I can talk to.
I feel so alone in this huge world
Thanks for listening
Peace Out
Jadene
JADENE
Hi, I hear you you're feeling like s***. The road to recovery isn't easy and hunky dory and if anyone says it is they're f ....ing lying. Once you decide that you want to change your life from the load of crap that it is, everything don't suddenly get better. What i'm trying to tell you Jadene is that you're gonna get your s*** days, days like when what you're feeling just totally overwhelms you but IT DOES PASS believe. I know you can't see the light for the darkness right now but if you can just stick with what you're doing and get through the the next few hours at least - the hours turn into a day and you'd have got through your crisis. And oh yeah if s*** happens then s*** happens but don't run with it and make it distress you even worse that you are already. Pick up the pieces brush yourself off and keep on going. Hang tight girlfren I'm thinking of you. Hold on Be Strong When its on its on
Hi, I hear you you're feeling like s***. The road to recovery isn't easy and hunky dory and if anyone says it is they're f ....ing lying. Once you decide that you want to change your life from the load of crap that it is, everything don't suddenly get better. What i'm trying to tell you Jadene is that you're gonna get your s*** days, days like when what you're feeling just totally overwhelms you but IT DOES PASS believe. I know you can't see the light for the darkness right now but if you can just stick with what you're doing and get through the the next few hours at least - the hours turn into a day and you'd have got through your crisis. And oh yeah if s*** happens then s*** happens but don't run with it and make it distress you even worse that you are already. Pick up the pieces brush yourself off and keep on going. Hang tight girlfren I'm thinking of you. Hold on Be Strong When its on its on
Dear Jadene,
So sorry I missed this post the other day. Yes, some days are just so hard, aren't they? Totally overwhelming and exhausting.
I was thinking, have you ever stopped to think that all those things you're saying about yourself is just one side of you? On the inside, I can see a powerful, caring person, with a love for her boys that burns deep and bright. What you may have done in the past is not the sum total of who you are now. Yes, it's a part of who you are or who you have been, but it is not the definition of YOU. Do you understand? You still have so much to offer, Jadene, if only you learnt to accept yourself.
With love,
Rachel
So sorry I missed this post the other day. Yes, some days are just so hard, aren't they? Totally overwhelming and exhausting.
I was thinking, have you ever stopped to think that all those things you're saying about yourself is just one side of you? On the inside, I can see a powerful, caring person, with a love for her boys that burns deep and bright. What you may have done in the past is not the sum total of who you are now. Yes, it's a part of who you are or who you have been, but it is not the definition of YOU. Do you understand? You still have so much to offer, Jadene, if only you learnt to accept yourself.
With love,
Rachel
DEAR RACHEL AND ONEAWAY
You guys will never now how much you kind words mean to me and all you have sayed is what keeps me going.
As you can see I have not been around for a few days. Things were not looking good for me been dringking to make the pain go away I geuss I never realy thought trying to get off drugs would be so hard and the worst for me is having to face the reality of my wrongs.
Just recieved another court order and it feels to me that ever thing is just pilling up and I,m drowning. What are the chances that I can get through another court date after court date again I am sick of court and never want to be in another one when this one is over.
So been eating, dringking coffee, smoking and eating sweets like no mans business and to top it off I can't fit into my cloths I have gone from a 37kg to 60kgs what is that.
I miss my boys so much I just want to be with them but know that I can't I have to get my s.h.i.t. sourted out.
Every time I phone them they want to know when I am going to fetch them and it kills me so I cry after every call
Hope to hear from you guys soon stay in toutch
Cheers Jadene
You guys will never now how much you kind words mean to me and all you have sayed is what keeps me going.
As you can see I have not been around for a few days. Things were not looking good for me been dringking to make the pain go away I geuss I never realy thought trying to get off drugs would be so hard and the worst for me is having to face the reality of my wrongs.
Just recieved another court order and it feels to me that ever thing is just pilling up and I,m drowning. What are the chances that I can get through another court date after court date again I am sick of court and never want to be in another one when this one is over.
So been eating, dringking coffee, smoking and eating sweets like no mans business and to top it off I can't fit into my cloths I have gone from a 37kg to 60kgs what is that.
I miss my boys so much I just want to be with them but know that I can't I have to get my s.h.i.t. sourted out.
Every time I phone them they want to know when I am going to fetch them and it kills me so I cry after every call
Hope to hear from you guys soon stay in toutch
Cheers Jadene
Dear Jadene,
Things must seem so totally overwhelming at the moment. Try to take each minute at a time. Make it through one moment and then the next.
Holy sh!t, I was down to 44kg when I had anorexia. You are NOW at a healthy weight, Jadene, not where you were before, surely you know that. I'm a healthy 62kg, so you're still lighter than me. There you go. :)
Do they have legal aid in South Africa? Free legal services to help you with your court dates and getting the boys back?
Yes, I have missed seeing you around and have been looking for you to post. Had a feeling things weren't too good when we don't hear from you.
As I've said before, it doesn't matter where you've come from, but what does matter is where you are GOING. You cannot help your past, but you can help the future. It's the future that you're living for, Jadene, and believe me it can be a beautiful one.
Rachel xxx
Things must seem so totally overwhelming at the moment. Try to take each minute at a time. Make it through one moment and then the next.
Holy sh!t, I was down to 44kg when I had anorexia. You are NOW at a healthy weight, Jadene, not where you were before, surely you know that. I'm a healthy 62kg, so you're still lighter than me. There you go. :)
Do they have legal aid in South Africa? Free legal services to help you with your court dates and getting the boys back?
Yes, I have missed seeing you around and have been looking for you to post. Had a feeling things weren't too good when we don't hear from you.
As I've said before, it doesn't matter where you've come from, but what does matter is where you are GOING. You cannot help your past, but you can help the future. It's the future that you're living for, Jadene, and believe me it can be a beautiful one.
Rachel xxx
Hi my dear friend how are you holding out?
Hope things are going great for you.
There is a Legal Aid here in SA but it is a mission to get in but I will get there well I hope I do.
You now all the crime that I have comited I knew that it would catch up with me but it is just very hard when you have to deal with you past when that is the one thing I am trying to get away from.
And all I can hope for at this point no matter which way it goes is that I am stronger when it is all done.
I have been rock bottom for long there is no other way to go but forward or death.
About the weight you know all my life I have been 49 kg and with the drugs went down to 37 - 41 kgs and have stayed there for 3 years so it is just so wiered to be 60kg when I wash my face I feel flesh and it freaks me out but I geuss I will get used to it.
So when I'm finised sourting out my s.h.i.t then I am going to look for a job so I can buy me some cloths that will fit my new frame lol.
Hope to hear from you soon
Regards Jadene
Hope things are going great for you.
There is a Legal Aid here in SA but it is a mission to get in but I will get there well I hope I do.
You now all the crime that I have comited I knew that it would catch up with me but it is just very hard when you have to deal with you past when that is the one thing I am trying to get away from.
And all I can hope for at this point no matter which way it goes is that I am stronger when it is all done.
I have been rock bottom for long there is no other way to go but forward or death.
About the weight you know all my life I have been 49 kg and with the drugs went down to 37 - 41 kgs and have stayed there for 3 years so it is just so wiered to be 60kg when I wash my face I feel flesh and it freaks me out but I geuss I will get used to it.
So when I'm finised sourting out my s.h.i.t then I am going to look for a job so I can buy me some cloths that will fit my new frame lol.
Hope to hear from you soon
Regards Jadene
Dear Jadene,
Today's not going too badly and my brain isn't torturing me too badly yet which is a relief.
My weight went up to 73kg before all the workplace bullying started and then I lost 15kg with all the stress of that and everything else that happened last year.
I am very blessed that I didn't get into crime to feed my habit. It wouldn't have been too much longer before I'd be forced to just to get my hit for the day. Believe me, I can imagine what it's like. It must be horrible trying to escape your past and having to face up to everything that you've done. All you can tell yourself now is that it's a new day, a new life, you're a different person now and you want to do everything possible to get a job, get healthy, and get your boys back, whatever happens.
Whatever happens, Jadene, God is there with you if only you accept him into your life. The love He has for you is unconditional and endless and far beyond anything we could ever imagine. I know you don't believe in God, but maybe you should give Him a go?
Take care of yourself, Jadene. It's wonderful to hear from you again. I hope to hear again from you soon.
Lots of love,
Rachel
P.S. What's mandrax? I don't think we have it here?
Today's not going too badly and my brain isn't torturing me too badly yet which is a relief.
My weight went up to 73kg before all the workplace bullying started and then I lost 15kg with all the stress of that and everything else that happened last year.
I am very blessed that I didn't get into crime to feed my habit. It wouldn't have been too much longer before I'd be forced to just to get my hit for the day. Believe me, I can imagine what it's like. It must be horrible trying to escape your past and having to face up to everything that you've done. All you can tell yourself now is that it's a new day, a new life, you're a different person now and you want to do everything possible to get a job, get healthy, and get your boys back, whatever happens.
Whatever happens, Jadene, God is there with you if only you accept him into your life. The love He has for you is unconditional and endless and far beyond anything we could ever imagine. I know you don't believe in God, but maybe you should give Him a go?
Take care of yourself, Jadene. It's wonderful to hear from you again. I hope to hear again from you soon.
Lots of love,
Rachel
P.S. What's mandrax? I don't think we have it here?
you know what jadene, quitting drugs isn't the answer. They brainwash u into thinking that it is but it isn't. Because once you've given them up, the problems that have always been there are still there.worse still, without the subtle interplay of heroin and a potjie mandrax and a crack rocket to the stratosphere, those problems are brought into even sharper relief against the backdrop of the unforgiving, b**tard of a world,eh bru...as Jad kap om de pillie is ok. yah jadene yah.
Who's the "they" in the first sentence, Reshie? You sound like you are seriously depressed. Is there anything I can do?
Let's recall that is a site for people who are seeking recovery, not reasons why they should keep using.
You hang in there, Jadene, mad respect for you and your struggle.
All the best ~ MomNMore
You hang in there, Jadene, mad respect for you and your struggle.
All the best ~ MomNMore
Rache, Jadene,
Like Mom and More said keep up the fight.
Ladies my friend who often posted here she got c*** like nobody's business. Even when we first got clean she had the court thing, had to turn herself in and get locked up, kids hating her, just mad, crazy nasty, ugliness and I was soooooooooo proud of her as she said ya know "using would just make it WORSE." and she was right.
We may have heavy hearts, and we may worry and forgeddabout the GUILT for Lord's sake, but all in all I do believe it takes a bigger person to just stay clean.
Nope, it ain't easy. I know I walked and walked whilst crying my eyes out on the streets. What to do? I hate this feeling. FEELING! Still I wasn't gonna let it break me. Better crying like a nutter and walking in torential downpours even then using.
Kepp it up laies. Jad, careful of the drink. It'll make ya more depressed and we so know how many heroin addicts become alcoholics.
Jadene think of poor Miss Billie Holiday. That talented, superb woman beat dope and wound up an alcoholic. All that talent. She's a legend and she died alone in hospital with like $9.00 bucks taped to her thingh. How sad is that?
Carry on chicas. Keep up the good work.
Yo, Jadene that was a sign alright when nobody was around for the smoke. See?
Like Mom and More said keep up the fight.
Ladies my friend who often posted here she got c*** like nobody's business. Even when we first got clean she had the court thing, had to turn herself in and get locked up, kids hating her, just mad, crazy nasty, ugliness and I was soooooooooo proud of her as she said ya know "using would just make it WORSE." and she was right.
We may have heavy hearts, and we may worry and forgeddabout the GUILT for Lord's sake, but all in all I do believe it takes a bigger person to just stay clean.
Nope, it ain't easy. I know I walked and walked whilst crying my eyes out on the streets. What to do? I hate this feeling. FEELING! Still I wasn't gonna let it break me. Better crying like a nutter and walking in torential downpours even then using.
Kepp it up laies. Jad, careful of the drink. It'll make ya more depressed and we so know how many heroin addicts become alcoholics.
Jadene think of poor Miss Billie Holiday. That talented, superb woman beat dope and wound up an alcoholic. All that talent. She's a legend and she died alone in hospital with like $9.00 bucks taped to her thingh. How sad is that?
Carry on chicas. Keep up the good work.
Yo, Jadene that was a sign alright when nobody was around for the smoke. See?
Dear Friends
Rachel glad to here you are ok and still on the right path will get over the weight problem
Mom and more thankyou for your supposort I am not thingking of a reson to starting again and I am trying to hang in there
Reshie you are right the problems are still there and drugs do work on your mind and make you feel that going back on drugs will make you problems go away but in reality the problems are still there and worse.
Brinda were have you been no word for a while now how are you.
The drinking is getting worse so I will take you advice and slow it down.
Me I am hanging in there but have new worries a new court order that I am not ready for but have now choice but to deal with it and so I will.
I have realy been wondering were you have been and hope that all is well
Hope to hear from all of you again soon
Just a thought
When in doubt know the way out
CHEERS JADENE
Rachel glad to here you are ok and still on the right path will get over the weight problem
Mom and more thankyou for your supposort I am not thingking of a reson to starting again and I am trying to hang in there
Reshie you are right the problems are still there and drugs do work on your mind and make you feel that going back on drugs will make you problems go away but in reality the problems are still there and worse.
Brinda were have you been no word for a while now how are you.
The drinking is getting worse so I will take you advice and slow it down.
Me I am hanging in there but have new worries a new court order that I am not ready for but have now choice but to deal with it and so I will.
I have realy been wondering were you have been and hope that all is well
Hope to hear from all of you again soon
Just a thought
When in doubt know the way out
CHEERS JADENE
