misunderstood again(sigh)
Quitting drigs aren't the answer....that does not mean "do drugs"...
What I mean is, if you think that once u give us drugs that fairies will float down from the sky and everything will be ticktey-boo, think again. All the crap that you were using drugs to hide from, guess what, they'll all still be there. so be prepared. that's all I'm saying.
In fact,it'll be worse cos you won't have the snowballs and the whatnot to buffer the effect of all the crap that's "life"
R>
Dear Reshi
My friend I am not disagreeing with you I know what you are saying.
I know going back to using drugs will not make my problems disappear or sugar coat them.
If I were to go back to using drugs the problems will just become worse and become progressively bigger my friend I do know that.
But that is not what I was saying maby I did not explain myself very well I do tend to do that
Hope you are doing well best wishes
Jadene
My friend I am not disagreeing with you I know what you are saying.
I know going back to using drugs will not make my problems disappear or sugar coat them.
If I were to go back to using drugs the problems will just become worse and become progressively bigger my friend I do know that.
But that is not what I was saying maby I did not explain myself very well I do tend to do that
Hope you are doing well best wishes
Jadene
RESHIE
WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT I HEAR YOU
Using drus is a short-term fix with a long term consequence
Cheers Jadene
WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT I HEAR YOU
Using drus is a short-term fix with a long term consequence
Cheers Jadene
I agree with u Jadene. It's just easier said than done isn't it. Right now, I'm in a pretty low place. As is evidenced through my previous posts, I lost it big time. I'm just focusing on
1)limiting the fallout from this most unfortunate of episodes
2)Focusing on my daughter,not letting her get damaged through my awful mistakes.
3)Being the best dad I can under the circumstances
But I think I need to sort my own head out first before I can even think about anything else do you not think?
I hear you too Jadene,I feel your angst laden posts and I feel so very much for you.
Through all the ups,downs,misery and despondency,remember this:
Heaven in it's creation doth decree
that in thy heart true love shall ever dwell
what 'er thine hearts' true workings be
thy face shalt nothing thence but sweetness tell
Hope to hear from you soon,I really mean that.
R>
1)limiting the fallout from this most unfortunate of episodes
2)Focusing on my daughter,not letting her get damaged through my awful mistakes.
3)Being the best dad I can under the circumstances
But I think I need to sort my own head out first before I can even think about anything else do you not think?
I hear you too Jadene,I feel your angst laden posts and I feel so very much for you.
Through all the ups,downs,misery and despondency,remember this:
Heaven in it's creation doth decree
that in thy heart true love shall ever dwell
what 'er thine hearts' true workings be
thy face shalt nothing thence but sweetness tell
Hope to hear from you soon,I really mean that.
R>
May I butt in?
Well if not too bad..........I am sooooooooo joking........however, I'm a buttin in kind of gal.
Reshie and Jadene, please know that ALL OF US...........everybody that posts here and many, many that have posted here during detox, using, lapsing, relapsing and been clean for years and years have been where you guys are.
Trust me I HATED when old heads.........like people that had used for way longer than I ever did and who were older and wiser............would tell me "I promise you it DOES get better"...............it does.........I promise.
Meanwhile and this is sincere..............Omega 3 will help with your mood.......amino acids..............and B-Complex...........I mean we're addicts so why not try some vitamins..............we try ANYTHING to change how we feel us addicts..............if you can afford to get some Omega 3 first.........they are even using it in the medical world, folks...............for kids with ADD and elderly people with Parkinson's..............it's no quick fix, but it's better than being in that black hole.
Yes, Reshie I know a few vitamins won't fix you being in your own head.......therapy can help that............I been there.........it's my own honest opinion that no NORMAL human being does heroin............there's got to be something under it, behind it, stuffed down, swollowed..........all from our past, but meanwhile look on up, kids.............using will just make it all worse.
Beware cause it's always there..............I'll be clean I think seven years in May.......it might be eight.............I seriously forget............point being I felt like using recently to the point I went out just to scope if dealers are anwywhere.....I ain't got the first clue to where to go to cop............so that's a Blessing.........not sure i even would, but it don't go away...............but it gets longer and longer and longer in between.
Hang in there.
Well if not too bad..........I am sooooooooo joking........however, I'm a buttin in kind of gal.
Reshie and Jadene, please know that ALL OF US...........everybody that posts here and many, many that have posted here during detox, using, lapsing, relapsing and been clean for years and years have been where you guys are.
Trust me I HATED when old heads.........like people that had used for way longer than I ever did and who were older and wiser............would tell me "I promise you it DOES get better"...............it does.........I promise.
Meanwhile and this is sincere..............Omega 3 will help with your mood.......amino acids..............and B-Complex...........I mean we're addicts so why not try some vitamins..............we try ANYTHING to change how we feel us addicts..............if you can afford to get some Omega 3 first.........they are even using it in the medical world, folks...............for kids with ADD and elderly people with Parkinson's..............it's no quick fix, but it's better than being in that black hole.
Yes, Reshie I know a few vitamins won't fix you being in your own head.......therapy can help that............I been there.........it's my own honest opinion that no NORMAL human being does heroin............there's got to be something under it, behind it, stuffed down, swollowed..........all from our past, but meanwhile look on up, kids.............using will just make it all worse.
Beware cause it's always there..............I'll be clean I think seven years in May.......it might be eight.............I seriously forget............point being I felt like using recently to the point I went out just to scope if dealers are anwywhere.....I ain't got the first clue to where to go to cop............so that's a Blessing.........not sure i even would, but it don't go away...............but it gets longer and longer and longer in between.
Hang in there.
Dear Brenda
SOOOOOO good to hear from you
You are so wise and would take advisce from you any day and believe me when I say that does not happen.
I have been to a few therapists that with all their studing know nothing well I for me they have not been were I have so how do they know how I feel.
I already take olmega 3 and 6, multivite. B complex but don't feel differant yet.
My problem is the depression I feel so down in the rubish most of the time
The thoughts of giving in to temptassion giving up and not being able to do go on thoughts of death on bad days, bad dream when does it end.
As for the fact that it will get better you are so right WHEN how long and if any one knew how I felt for me they would know it is taking to long.
Been questioning why this had to happen to me the questions come to me but there are no answers to my troubles.
Regards Jadene
SOOOOOO good to hear from you
You are so wise and would take advisce from you any day and believe me when I say that does not happen.
I have been to a few therapists that with all their studing know nothing well I for me they have not been were I have so how do they know how I feel.
I already take olmega 3 and 6, multivite. B complex but don't feel differant yet.
My problem is the depression I feel so down in the rubish most of the time
The thoughts of giving in to temptassion giving up and not being able to do go on thoughts of death on bad days, bad dream when does it end.
As for the fact that it will get better you are so right WHEN how long and if any one knew how I felt for me they would know it is taking to long.
Been questioning why this had to happen to me the questions come to me but there are no answers to my troubles.
Regards Jadene
Dear Jadene,
I've missed you over the past few days. Not good news about another court hearing, but let us know how you go and keep us up to date. I'll be praying for you.
Take care of yourself, my friend, and keep that chin up. You are doing SO well and I truly am inspired by you.
Rachel :)
I've missed you over the past few days. Not good news about another court hearing, but let us know how you go and keep us up to date. I'll be praying for you.
Take care of yourself, my friend, and keep that chin up. You are doing SO well and I truly am inspired by you.
Rachel :)
Take care Jadene,am rooting for you. You're a brave soul and a wondefully caring person who sticks with people through thick and thin. You're not one of these "fair weathered" friends that only stick around and post encouragement when people follow their prescriptions on how they should behave,act, decide priorities,etc....You are there no matter what. I've had a bad couple of weeks,everyone knows that. The one good thing that has come out of all this is that I know who the real people are,and as Holden Caulfield says so eloquently,who the "phonies" are.
Rooting for you
Reshie
Rooting for you
Reshie
Dear Rachel and Reshie
You guy have realy been there for me more than you guy will ever now and I will alway hold you dear to my heart.
You know Rachel you are a insperation to me and I feel that you will go far in life.
Reshie you realy are great and one thing I can tell you is that you sound like a great father and that is some thing that is great to me.
My father never took the time out for me I don't ever remenber my dad taking me any were or doing anything with me. He walked out one day and never came back even when I saw hime one day and asked him if I could have his phone number he told me he does not give it out to any one. I found out were he stayed and when I had my son went to show him my boy he did not want to open the door for me.
That was 8 years ago and we have not spoken since so you must know that I admire you for the way you are with you daughter.
Guys thankyou for being there for me
Regards Jadene
You guy have realy been there for me more than you guy will ever now and I will alway hold you dear to my heart.
You know Rachel you are a insperation to me and I feel that you will go far in life.
Reshie you realy are great and one thing I can tell you is that you sound like a great father and that is some thing that is great to me.
My father never took the time out for me I don't ever remenber my dad taking me any were or doing anything with me. He walked out one day and never came back even when I saw hime one day and asked him if I could have his phone number he told me he does not give it out to any one. I found out were he stayed and when I had my son went to show him my boy he did not want to open the door for me.
That was 8 years ago and we have not spoken since so you must know that I admire you for the way you are with you daughter.
Guys thankyou for being there for me
Regards Jadene
Jadene, I just wanted to pop in to tell you how much better you sound than when you first started posting. I was kind of worried about you when you first got here...you sounded so desperate, so alone, and so confused. But these past few posts you seem to be healing and feeling better...I am so glad =)
You keep plugging along and you will do just fine...you should be proud of yourself.
Peace ~ MomNMore
You keep plugging along and you will do just fine...you should be proud of yourself.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Jadene,
1) you hated the fact that your dad was never around for you. When you had your son, he wasn't even interested in his own grandson.
Question: Would you want to inflict the same sadness,torment and unhappiness on your own kids? You do realise that IF (and that is a big IF) you take your own life, that act will affect them for the rest of their lives. It may even drive them to the kind of despair that causes people to seek out the solace of drugs. If you do this Jadene, there is a very high possibility that you will be setting in motion a chain of events that will lead your boys to drop out of school, start smoking and drinking, hanging around with the wrong crowd;it's only a short walk from there to drug addiction and a life of crime,gaols and insttutions. Do you want this to happen to your boys Jadene? Is this how much you F**king love them? THINK JADENE! Just because you're gone does NOT mean the story ends there. You have 2 sons who will in one way or another pick up where you left. Think of all the gut-wrenching pain you feel inside you. Do you want that for your sons? Do you want this life for them?
2) Your brother has thrown you out, your life is just misery piled upon misery. You know what Jadene? I know EXACTLY how you feel. Some years ago, My then GF and I were going to have a baby. We were both junkies but we were living in cloud cuckoo land. We were going to get a house in the country, I was going to teach maths and science at the village school, she was going to grow vegetables in the garden;it was all going to be soooo perfect. Only one problem. Drugs. But we thought...we'll figure it out when the time comes. Well, the time came and boy did it come. I remember like it was yesterday. I woke up one night when she was almost 8 months pregnant. I looked at her and was startled to discover that she was awake. She was just staring at the ceiling completely silent with this look on her face,like a scared little girl look.. I asked her "Is everything ok?". She shook her head. "what's wrong?" She took my hands and put it between her thighs. When I looked at them, they were covered right up to the elbows in blood. She never said a word. I ran across to the neighbours' house to borrow their phone to ring 999 as we were living in a squat with no running water,no electricity,no heating no phone,we livied by candle light like something out of the dark ages.. All we had were piles and piles of drugs. When she got to the hospital, the doctor who was a friend of mine was very sympathetic and gave us our own private room. He told us the baby was dead. Stillborn. She still had to go through the full labour though because she was already nearly term (in clinical terms, an infant at 36weeks gestation is considered term). So she had to go through the hell of childbirth with no pain relief - just think for a minute,a junkie going through giving birth with no pain relief,well,2 aspirin; (because of her drug intake it could've caused her to go into anaphylactic shock);I just remember her screaming and screaming and cursing me for making her pregnant and hitting me over and over again. At 8 minutes past 3am, little Dylan entered thisworld, stillborn. He was so tiny in my hands,he was barely the size of my palm. Tresaar(Swedish name) would not look at him. So I sat on the bed holding him between us and and one moment,she suddenly turned her head and his cheek,my cheek and Tresz's cheek were in contact at the same time. He was our baby boy and he died because we lived on drugs and for drugs. We didn't bother with heating to keep warm, or buying nappies and pushchairs like other couples do. We just scored drugs and then took them and we killed our son.
Why am I telling you this horrible story Jadene? Because I want you to know that no matter how bad things might seem right now, there is always another day, another chance. When I lost Dylan, I wanted to kill myself. So lets imagine I did. I would never have known the joy of my little girl. I never thought the pain would go away. For months, Dylan used to appear in my dreams saying terrible things to me. I did not see how I could escape. But then along came my daughter; that little girl loves me so so much. She just wants her daddy to love her, which is what your boys want Jadene. They just want your love. Stay on a friend's sofa, stay with relatives, stay in B&Bs, stay in a tent (I did). Just don't give up for the sake of those 2 innocent boys. They do not deserve this Jadene and you know this to be true.
Just promise me one thing. If you are going to it, nobody can stop you. Just promise me that you will email me at reshie21@msn.com,there's something I want you to see before you make up your mind. OK? Promise me Jadene,please.
With love,
Reshie
1) you hated the fact that your dad was never around for you. When you had your son, he wasn't even interested in his own grandson.
Question: Would you want to inflict the same sadness,torment and unhappiness on your own kids? You do realise that IF (and that is a big IF) you take your own life, that act will affect them for the rest of their lives. It may even drive them to the kind of despair that causes people to seek out the solace of drugs. If you do this Jadene, there is a very high possibility that you will be setting in motion a chain of events that will lead your boys to drop out of school, start smoking and drinking, hanging around with the wrong crowd;it's only a short walk from there to drug addiction and a life of crime,gaols and insttutions. Do you want this to happen to your boys Jadene? Is this how much you F**king love them? THINK JADENE! Just because you're gone does NOT mean the story ends there. You have 2 sons who will in one way or another pick up where you left. Think of all the gut-wrenching pain you feel inside you. Do you want that for your sons? Do you want this life for them?
2) Your brother has thrown you out, your life is just misery piled upon misery. You know what Jadene? I know EXACTLY how you feel. Some years ago, My then GF and I were going to have a baby. We were both junkies but we were living in cloud cuckoo land. We were going to get a house in the country, I was going to teach maths and science at the village school, she was going to grow vegetables in the garden;it was all going to be soooo perfect. Only one problem. Drugs. But we thought...we'll figure it out when the time comes. Well, the time came and boy did it come. I remember like it was yesterday. I woke up one night when she was almost 8 months pregnant. I looked at her and was startled to discover that she was awake. She was just staring at the ceiling completely silent with this look on her face,like a scared little girl look.. I asked her "Is everything ok?". She shook her head. "what's wrong?" She took my hands and put it between her thighs. When I looked at them, they were covered right up to the elbows in blood. She never said a word. I ran across to the neighbours' house to borrow their phone to ring 999 as we were living in a squat with no running water,no electricity,no heating no phone,we livied by candle light like something out of the dark ages.. All we had were piles and piles of drugs. When she got to the hospital, the doctor who was a friend of mine was very sympathetic and gave us our own private room. He told us the baby was dead. Stillborn. She still had to go through the full labour though because she was already nearly term (in clinical terms, an infant at 36weeks gestation is considered term). So she had to go through the hell of childbirth with no pain relief - just think for a minute,a junkie going through giving birth with no pain relief,well,2 aspirin; (because of her drug intake it could've caused her to go into anaphylactic shock);I just remember her screaming and screaming and cursing me for making her pregnant and hitting me over and over again. At 8 minutes past 3am, little Dylan entered thisworld, stillborn. He was so tiny in my hands,he was barely the size of my palm. Tresaar(Swedish name) would not look at him. So I sat on the bed holding him between us and and one moment,she suddenly turned her head and his cheek,my cheek and Tresz's cheek were in contact at the same time. He was our baby boy and he died because we lived on drugs and for drugs. We didn't bother with heating to keep warm, or buying nappies and pushchairs like other couples do. We just scored drugs and then took them and we killed our son.
Why am I telling you this horrible story Jadene? Because I want you to know that no matter how bad things might seem right now, there is always another day, another chance. When I lost Dylan, I wanted to kill myself. So lets imagine I did. I would never have known the joy of my little girl. I never thought the pain would go away. For months, Dylan used to appear in my dreams saying terrible things to me. I did not see how I could escape. But then along came my daughter; that little girl loves me so so much. She just wants her daddy to love her, which is what your boys want Jadene. They just want your love. Stay on a friend's sofa, stay with relatives, stay in B&Bs, stay in a tent (I did). Just don't give up for the sake of those 2 innocent boys. They do not deserve this Jadene and you know this to be true.
Just promise me one thing. If you are going to it, nobody can stop you. Just promise me that you will email me at reshie21@msn.com,there's something I want you to see before you make up your mind. OK? Promise me Jadene,please.
With love,
Reshie
Dear Reshie
Hi Reshie how are you doing my friend?
Reshie you story touched me in more ways than none.
You see Reshie I have had 3 miscarriages my friend and I cause all of them. In many way yes I would have 5 kids but going through what I did was hard and caused much pain for me. Giving birth to a still born is harder and pain is excruciating and the memory's never go away. One of them the baby came out when I was at home and I looked at this child man it was so small and it had everything hands and legs I buried it at home I felt disgusting. I cry ed for days after that and never got over that.
But having my two boys was such a relief and though I was on my own they were mine and I could not love them more.
Please do not judge me I don't tell any one this story as I am ashamed of this.
I have been through so much in my life at such a young age it is hard to feel that any thing will work out for me. I am truly sorry if I have upset any one in any way that is not my intention.
One more thing what you sayed about my dad your right I never want to do that to my boys they mean the world to me.
What happened last week yes I gave up just when things go right for me some things will go wrong for me but through it all my boys are on my mind in my heart and I never want to let them down ever again in their lives.
I have had a s*** life I never want them to go through what I have gone through ever. When all this done I will be there for them with every thing.
Reshie I love that song you said I must listen to and have been listening to it every day it has helped thank you for not giving up on me.
You are a true friend and will hold that close to my heart.
I have try ed to send you a e-mail but will not go through will try again.
Hope to hear from you soon
Regards Jadene
Hi Reshie how are you doing my friend?
Reshie you story touched me in more ways than none.
You see Reshie I have had 3 miscarriages my friend and I cause all of them. In many way yes I would have 5 kids but going through what I did was hard and caused much pain for me. Giving birth to a still born is harder and pain is excruciating and the memory's never go away. One of them the baby came out when I was at home and I looked at this child man it was so small and it had everything hands and legs I buried it at home I felt disgusting. I cry ed for days after that and never got over that.
But having my two boys was such a relief and though I was on my own they were mine and I could not love them more.
Please do not judge me I don't tell any one this story as I am ashamed of this.
I have been through so much in my life at such a young age it is hard to feel that any thing will work out for me. I am truly sorry if I have upset any one in any way that is not my intention.
One more thing what you sayed about my dad your right I never want to do that to my boys they mean the world to me.
What happened last week yes I gave up just when things go right for me some things will go wrong for me but through it all my boys are on my mind in my heart and I never want to let them down ever again in their lives.
I have had a s*** life I never want them to go through what I have gone through ever. When all this done I will be there for them with every thing.
Reshie I love that song you said I must listen to and have been listening to it every day it has helped thank you for not giving up on me.
You are a true friend and will hold that close to my heart.
I have try ed to send you a e-mail but will not go through will try again.
Hope to hear from you soon
Regards Jadene
