,Sharon-That is just the best news.You are going to do this.I can't tell you how proud I am of you.
Jodi quote
QUOTE
Ok...still got a house, a car, my kids. Yet i'm no better (maybe even worse) than the down and out homeless addict.
I bet they would disagree. You are in a lot better shape.You have options left.They don't. I've seen some dudes having to sleep in the doorway of the AA clubs until they opened.Their only meals were at the Salvation Army and their only employment availabilities were from day labor.I know because I've hired them to do landscaping work for my business.
There is a facility called the Men's Center in Houston.I use to go to meetings there and they would always have a dozen guys living there.They slept on old sofas that smelled like piss and vomit and some were very grateful they had that.Maybe 1 out of ten would stay sober and things got better.I got a first hand look at the ravages of alcohol.Some of the dudes were even having DT's.
My point is Jodi is that it can always get worse.We are a bunch of pretty high bottom addicts on here.Don't kid yourself.I know you feel like there is no way it can get worse, but it can.I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I'm trying to get you to see the insanity of your thinking right now.
Let some people who know what they are doing help you.
I know you are going to do something.I just don't want it to be too late. Make those calls today.
I am so sad to hear you hurting and wanting to give up and spanking yourself over and over for what this addiction has done to you, BUT mostly I am mad.
I am mad at the LIE these drugs continue to whisper in our ears. I am mad at the big fat lie that puts people through misery and tells them that they are not worthy of a "good" life, not worthy of hope!
Get mad, take a stand. Sometimes it becomes positive energy to catapult you in the right direction! Stop spanking yourself and focus your energy where the true bad guy lies: the drugs. Damn drugs have ruined many wonderful people, sucking the god given life right out of them! And the very sad thing is there is such a wonderful, peaceful, beautiful soul underneath trying so hard to be free! You deserve to be FREE!
Don't believe the lie, it speaks no truth. Those damn drugs want you to believe that your the problem, they want to guilt you and crush your hope. I'm sorry, but they really piss me off!
Through your words, I only see a very beautiful, loving soul wanting to be free. That's all I see. The drug part can just go straight to you know where!
I just went back and read some of your posts from when you are less under the influence, and you know what? You sound like me. You write like me. In fact, on paper, you present as being more like me than some of the women on here that Im closer to than blood family. And so Im mad that your talent, intelligence and wit are wasting away. (You have been very funny in the past, but it was nasty barbed humor directed at yourself and I know how to do that, too.) Im not mad at you but mad at the disease and the abusive marriage that youre in.
Im frustrated. I want to SHAKE you. Wake you up to the possibility of living clean, free in your own home, and eye-balling a gorgeous world not through the bottom of a bottle of booze.
But Im not going to do that. I think youre very accustomed to being brow-beaten into a corner "for your own good". Look, there are at least fifty hands being held out to you to help you out of that corner. When you reach out and grab ahold, we wont let you go.
You have Kats number. If you email me, Ill give you mine. Weve lived bad marriages, poor choices and addiction. Kat pulled me up and well pull you up, too. It is not impossible. You might think youre weak and were strong and that you cant get to where we are. Thats addict brain B.S. When I was using, I was weak, too. It was just the drugs corroding the space where my backbone is. Im not saying it was easy to stand up but its not hopeless. Not for Kat, not for me and not for you.
The most important message I ever heard was when I was at a meeting and some guy got his 10 year chip. When folks asked how he did it he said "Let me tell you how I didn't do it. I didn't do it alone." So simple yet so powerful. The people in our lives, good and bad, are there for a reason. You can beat this cycle of addiction Jodi by grabbing the hands of those who are offering help. I had to face losing everything in life that matters to me in order to get clean. I'm so grateful for the recovery network I have, because left to my own devices I'm toast.
I just have to say that the support and loving arms reaching out to you from here on the board is astounding! Won't you take one of those hands and let them help?
Mookie,Jim,Gina,Jan............You guys are incredible .
Jodi......Do you know what a blessing it is to have this kind of support? I'd lost all my friends and the one that stuck with me didn't trust anything that came out of my mouth. You got to do this Jodi.
I do know what a blessing it is to have this many people behind me. It's something I haven't felt in a long time.
I don't know much of anything right now. I feel severely depressed and I can't see through it. The only time I feel good is when I sleep.
I'm hanging on. That's about all I can manage right now.
I'm sorry I don't have anything more positive to say. I am having a hard time being grateful for much of anything today. I know it could be alot worse. Knowing that makes me feel even more guilty.
Jodi....you have so many offers of help...Gina even offered to take you up on doing the footwork...rehab would be a blessing for you right now..you have been trying this way forever...you seem to be getting worse.You know what they say about rock bottom...PLEASE Jodi....if you can't do it for you..then do it for your kids...leave and go to rehab.Just go. Don't think. You are repeating the same depressing stuff every day...no wonder you are exhausted.GO. End of story. You need this. This is life or death Jodi...you have to take a drastic step. Take anyone up on their offer...you can do it. Being at home is not cutting it for you. I am praying for you. You CAN do this.You just don't believe it. Norman Vincent Peale once said "The rough is only mental"....so so true.If I could jump thru this screen and shake some sense into you I would. I know what Gina meant. You gotta make a move because all you are doing is drowning in despair. Get help. Please.Love, Sharonn
This place where I am now that you think you have no hope of attaining... Do you want to see what I was like when I was using?
My sister sent me this email I wrote her when I was at the worst phase of my addiction, about six months before I quit. The subject line was: Mom and Dad.
Is something supposd ot be happening? Because each deay becomes more dreamlike than the next. Not unpleasantly. I had to go to NZ. What a thing to complain of. Nota bad life at all.
How do we stand it?
Quit whining. What did you think it wld be? Iv rcreated my own mythology but you know, it wasnt all that. Every memory is distorted by their ambition.
I dont blane them. (Should I blam anyone but myself, at this late date/)
Its all an avoidance game. Do they recognize themselves in me? I do. In thi little things. This fondness I have for flip flops.
Is this heaven or is heaven always slipping into hell? Are we going to hell?
Did that make any kind of sense? Youve known me a pretty long time. Does that even sound like the same person? I thought I was passing so well. My sister said she told herself it was jetlag or stress. And it was that, too. But I've posted on here both jetlagged and stressed. The difference is that when I wrote that I was as high as a Georgia pine.
Im embarrassed that anyone saw this. I'm more embarrassed about it than any roadside hurling I've ever posted about. Thats why I want you to see it. Were not so different, you and I. I had no hope then. And clearly, I was losing my mind.
Ill do what I can to help, but you have to make the first move.
My sister sent me this to tell me how proud she is and how happy to have me back. You can come back, too. Pick up the phone.
I have a friend, who is also a writer. She and I used to get stoned together (though she didnt know about the percocet). When I got back from NZ in 2005, I told her I wasnt doing drugs anymore and she told me pot helped her write better and enjoy the process of writing more. Then I never saw her again.
LMAO, I thought my writing was epic and profound, too, when I read it back while stoned. And opiates made me a better wife and mother.
What I enjoyed most about being stoned was the long silences between the thoughts I didnt want to be thinking. But you cant write coherently if you cant hold onto a train of thought. I used to turn a page in the middle of writing a sentence and have to turn it back to remember what the start of the sentence even was. I got scared when that started happening with the turn of every page.
Ive learned how to find that silence between the thoughts, through meditation, yoga, simple breathing exercises. They take more time and they dont always work, but they dont destroy your liver, impair motor function, and stink up the house.
I still email my friend every now and again, though she never responds. I should send her that old email.
Thanks for sharing that. It's bad enough making a drunk phone call or writing those emails. And here I am, posting on a message board for the whole world to see. You see, that explains my name change. I used to just be "jmr". I asked the moderators to ban me so I wouldn't be able to post anymore. They only blocked my screen name, not my ip address. I have no self-control when I'm wasted....who does, really?
Do you know what, Gina? I don't think it was an accident that you started posting again when you did. I've always looked up to you even though I have often felt intimidated by you. You are the smart one, the witty one, the clever one, the eloquent writer. When talking or writing to some people, I just feel plain old stupid. Actually, I feel inferior to most people.
My best (only) friend was over last night. Sitting right in front of her and my husband, I spilled my guts. I told her how depressed I've been...like never before. I told her I only feel good when I sleep. I told her how I've written notes to my sons just in case I get a sudden impulse to end it all. I get those impulses...haven't acted on one yet, obviously. This morning at work, waiting to do a u-turn off of a side street, there was a semi coming down the road about 50 mph. In a split second, I fantasized about pulling out in front of that big b******.
That scares me.
Of course, talking to my husband is useless. He always has it so much worse than me. His work is harder. He is more depressed. He is sicker than me. His life is harder. Blah blah blah. I bawled my eyes out and poured my heart out and I got bitterness and hatred and anger in return. I ended up going to bed. He kept running his mouth to her. I found out by listening to them that he doesn't trust me, that we don't have any communication, that we don't have good sex (oh I could make so many comments about that but I'll bite my tongue) and that "he loves me but he's not IN love with me". I hate that stupid cliche.
I read something good in the paper today. When I have more time I will type it out. It gave me alot of food for thought. Basically it had to do with self-esteem and letting others treat us bad and why we choose to be in relationships with certain people.
Basically, I wanted you to know that I appreciate all of your posts to me. I appreciate everyone here. I hope someday I will have made it with your efforts.
I've been living in limbo for so long. I can't do it anymore. I've got two ways I can go. I have to make a decision and then take some action. I think I need to give the positive route a try first. After all, I can always change my mind later, right? What have I got to lose?
God I wish I could see the future. I wish I knew there was happiness and maybe just a little bit of peace in store for me. It's very difficult to have faith when you are at the bottom.
When I joined this board, I was already clean two months. Look at that old email. How eloquent was I when I was using? Its laughable. A fondness for flip flops? Thats fall-down funny, even it is pathetic. Youve never known me in active addiction, just as I have never known you in the fullness of health.
Even so, you write beautifully. The lines scan and flow. Youre not stupid by any means.
Of course, talking to my husband is useless. He always has it so much worse than me. His work is harder. He is more depressed. He is sicker than me. His life is harder.
Yes, I hear that, too, every time I try to express my feelings. I'm sure he feels that way, but its also a defense mechanism and a way to drown out my voice.
Im glad you told your friend. Thats a good beginning. I can tell youre not accustomed to receiving help when you reach out, given what your husband is like. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, too. But I learned to ask for help and it saved my bacon today.
I had a huge fight with Allan. I came out of it feeling unloved and unworthy of love until I paged my support group and they turned a light on in my brain. My husband doesnt like it when Im sober. My strength intimidates him. When I met him, I was 23 and he was both 12 years my senior and my dissertation advisor. There were control issues all the way through our marriage. Well, duh. I would have seen it in anyones situation but my own. Thats why we cant do this work alone. We dont have clarity of vision into our own affairs. Thats why we need therapists, friends, ministers, meetings to get clean and stay clean.
I agree wholeheartedly that there are no accidents. People come into our lives so we can learn something sometimes it takes twenty years to learn the lesson. Then you move on. And believe me, Ive learned my lesson in this marriage, lol. If I havent, then the next man I fall in love with will also be a lying, controlling, withholding, insecure, superficially-plausible father figure with a yen for pliant Chinese women. I need to figure out why I fell for that and stayed for so long.
Im sorry if anything I did made you feel "less than" on this board. That was never my intention. Were all addicts here. Were human beings with a particular disease learning from each other. Do you think I learned nothing from you? You described your marriage with such painful honesty. I found so many parallels and points of discomfort, I started looking at my own marriage more closely. The only difference between us when we met, Jodi, was that I was two months clean and could start slowly processing this stuff. Well, I lie. I also had Dr. M. But you can have a therapist to help you through this, too. And I highly recommend therapy to everyone. I also recommend meetings. Try everything. See what works for you. Whats NOT working is staying in that stuck place.
I cant make you any promises about the future. You wont be happy all the time. s*** is going to happen; thats just life. I can promise you that youre in hell now, a hell Im personally familiar with, and everything after you get out is going to be better. Worlds better. No comparison.
Ke_gina@hotmail.com
If you will email me where you live, I would be happy to ask Dr. M if he knows of any good therapists in your area. He teaches at UNC Medical School and their graduates are all over the country.
I wish you could see yourself as I see you, Jodi. But until you can, Ill keep reflecting you back to yourself accurately. Youve been living in a funhouse with distorting mirrors; of course your self-esteem is shot. But youre certainly not an inferior human being.
I don't know how to help myself. I'm sorry if that sounds like weakness or self-pity. It's just the truth as I know it right now.
What I really want is for this all to just go away.
What I want is for someone in my life...my REAL life to just give two s***s about me and my health and my future.
I know I'm stuck on stupid...stuck on the same bulls*** as always.
I can't even begin to describe this hell. Yes...I've created alot of it myself. But if someone I supposedly love is so down and out, so depressed, I would try to let go of the resentments atleast for awhile and let them know they are a worthwhile human being. Capable of loving and deserving to be loved.
Why am I so stuck on this?
Why?
I'm so f***ing alone and so scared I am losing my mind.
My god...20 years ago, I was so smart, so level-headed, so normal. I had it all. What the f*** happened to me? What have I let myself become?
And, more importantly, where am I letting myself go?
Here I go, freaking out again. Like I said, the nights are the hardest. Too much thinking. I'm so tired yet I lie in bed and my mind just goes crazy.
This is my last ranting and raving on here. I promise...or atleast I'll try.
Gina, I need that therapist...lol. Seriously, I do.
This isn't me at all. Not at all. I don't know what has happened. I'm spiraling though.
And I can only imagine how many eyes are rolling right now....Here's Jodi, with all of her drama. I know it might not be as dramatic as I see it, but it sure the hell feels that way. I can't deal. Can't cope with the feelings I allow myself to feel because I let someone make me feel that way. That someone is sleeping like a baby right now. Maybe I'm hypersensitive to the criticism. Maybe I can't take any words for what they are worth right now. Maybe I'm reading too much into them. But I have no control over my feelings. They are what they are. And they hurt.
this is a copy and paste from the thread: "vicodin addict on A&E now"
i just finished watching the vicodin addict and the alchoholic earlier, man those were two good shows! i could see alot myself in tina although i never gambled, or paid one dime for my pills; you know what really hurts, and i am feeling sad after seeing that show, they had so many family members who loved them so much, i never had one person in my family support me in my recovery or come to even visit the 16 days i was in rehab. i did it all alone.... checked my self in alone... 16 days alone... and 6 mos clean alone still... that really hurts. but i will survive.... its all i know how to do. jewels/julie jodi: i just posted the above and wanted to share it with you. see, i am all alone too, nobody cared enough to get me an intervention (except my sons who i will exclude as they are innocent of all this) nobody would listen to my pain, NOBODY cared and they dont today.. i checked my self in rehab ALONE, i was hospitalized 16 days and no one cared, no one visited or called from my family,my husband refused to attend any classes to help understand me, he refused to write a letter to me as requested by my therapist. i checked out alone... i work daily on my recovery alone, attend NA meetings alone, see my counselors alone and live everyday alone, and i have been married 27 years! my husband does not allow me to communicate ANYTHING to him that bothers or upsets me, he will walk away or leave, i have sobbed hysterically for him to listen to my pain and he refuses. he leaves to go to bars and always took off his wedding ring when he left the house... he doesnt know where it is today but he surely has his wedding ring from his first marriage tucked away safely in his drawer. i labored with our sons alone! i could write you a book, he is at the bar as we speak with his new girlfriend drunk out of his mind cuz the bears won... i know it. then of course i could write you a book about the cruel suffering i endured at the hands of my parents. so jodi i hope this helps you to know you are not alone, there is someone else out here tonight that is hurting too. but you know what? i will get the last laugh!' my light will shine so bright that its gonna blind them all! Jesus lives in me and guides and directs my path. i am here for my sons and animals only and for Christ and me also... i dont understand though why a person like me who is so nice and kind would ever have to endure what i have endured and what i continue to endure, i guess because it has brought me closer to God. jewels/julie
