Since everyone has been privy to the what has transpired with DM and my wavering thoughts and feelings...I wanted you to know that tonight I cut off ties with DM. The conversation started with me setting a boundary and letting him know that I want my key back and I'd be giving his keys' back. He said, "that is f***ed" and he didn't understand why'd I do this. I said my sobriety, my life depended on it...no matter what I said he was coming from anger, playing the blame game, and said, "I am pulling away". I said that that is exactly what I was asking for, space to heal and detach. I told him that I've relied on him for his car and listening ear for far too long and it was time for me to create self-reliance. His response, "I don't care about that. That is stuff you need to journal on".
I am a bit shocked how insensitive he was but I've got to remind myself that my sole purpose is to take care of me. He did admit that he was coming from a place of rejection and feeling abandoned. Again I reiterated that this was about self-protection and he said that was ridiculous.
We left it at that he would let me know when he was in town and he'd pick up his keys at my work and then he hung up on me. After about an hour of prayer I decided. I called back and left a message with the nurse instructing that I'd leave his house key under my mat and leave his car key in his apartment so he wouldn't have to come by my work. That may seem cruel and cold but you know what? I do not want to see him.
I am relieved but sad. Anyway, I just wanted to keep you posted.
Hiya Zip,
Good for you! Just a bit of advice from my own experience. Now that you have set your boundaries the key to this working is consistency. It's like dealing with a child. You can set all the boundaries you want but if you don't follow through all it does is get you frustrated and the child confused.
I imagine you have tried at some point to set boundaries with D and he felt confused and didn't take it seriously. You didn't follow through. He probably thinks that it will be the same this time too. Stand firm.
I'm glad that you are taking care of you. Once you are at peace with yourself and have a sense of being whole you won't feel the need to hold on to him so tight.
Have a great night my friend.
btw...ygm
Good for you! Just a bit of advice from my own experience. Now that you have set your boundaries the key to this working is consistency. It's like dealing with a child. You can set all the boundaries you want but if you don't follow through all it does is get you frustrated and the child confused.
I imagine you have tried at some point to set boundaries with D and he felt confused and didn't take it seriously. You didn't follow through. He probably thinks that it will be the same this time too. Stand firm.
I'm glad that you are taking care of you. Once you are at peace with yourself and have a sense of being whole you won't feel the need to hold on to him so tight.
Have a great night my friend.
btw...ygm
Zip I feel for you because I know how hard it is for you to do what you done. I am proud of you for having the courage to stand up for yourself. I understand more than you think I do. Good luck Zip and my thoughts are with you. God bless and take care.
I got a very angry call from DM this morning. The nurse gave him the message that I'd just be leaving his key under my mat. He was angry because I don't want to see him face-to-face. He said he needed to make sure I gave everything back to him and said that it is done, we are through. He called me a liar and said, "I've told the hospital to not accept any calls from you.". I calmly said where I'd leave everything. He started yelling again and telling me how angry he is. I did something I rarely do (I hate when it has been to me) and hung up. I just couldn't take the emotional abusive manipulation so early in the morning.
It is a relief to know that I won't have to see him or hear from him. Of course, I am grieving the loss of the friendship/relationship but right now I am choosing to focus on the gift of self-love.
Again, I am reminding myself of one of my favorite quotes from an 80's movie, "I'd rather be alone for the right reason than be with someone for the wrong"....
Thanks again for all the love, support, and prayers.
It is a relief to know that I won't have to see him or hear from him. Of course, I am grieving the loss of the friendship/relationship but right now I am choosing to focus on the gift of self-love.
Again, I am reminding myself of one of my favorite quotes from an 80's movie, "I'd rather be alone for the right reason than be with someone for the wrong"....
Thanks again for all the love, support, and prayers.
Wow.What a story.I think you handled yourself with a lot of dignity.I don't know any of the details of your involvement but it sounds like were able to get your point across without a lot of blaming and attack.
That's always the most difficult for me.I want to leave a nasty little barb behind so they can slowly bleed.The consequences are never good.The more we can keep our side of the street clean,the less ammends we have to make later.
Who knows? You both might be able to sit and talk about it in a couple of weeks?
That's always the most difficult for me.I want to leave a nasty little barb behind so they can slowly bleed.The consequences are never good.The more we can keep our side of the street clean,the less ammends we have to make later.
Who knows? You both might be able to sit and talk about it in a couple of weeks?
Fear in 'sick people' is easy to see once I've cleared my anger and resentments, but it's still toxic. Zipper, take the appropriate steps to be accountable to a sponsor--a live person who's got your sobriety in mind. I say this because it'll be easy to get sidetracked or inside your own skull over the next few days--being accountable and having something to do (i.e., THE STEPS) may keep your sobriety in front of you, too.
Just a SUGGESTION...
~wink~
Just a SUGGESTION...
~wink~
Good for you for standing up for yourself zip. I hope it all works out for you. Hang in there and stay positive and strong. God bless and take care xxxxooooo
Gidday Zipper
Sit down put your feet up have a coffee and pause then positively think over what has happened and then lay some groundwork for the inevitable late night or early morning drunk or depressed ph call from DM and have contact numbers ready to ring that can help him if this happens (once you get a location out of him) and they can sort him out....this may not happen but im thinkin it might....
Keep the meetings up and keep smiling:)
light and love Zac
Sit down put your feet up have a coffee and pause then positively think over what has happened and then lay some groundwork for the inevitable late night or early morning drunk or depressed ph call from DM and have contact numbers ready to ring that can help him if this happens (once you get a location out of him) and they can sort him out....this may not happen but im thinkin it might....
Keep the meetings up and keep smiling:)
light and love Zac
Great suggestions SKG and Zac. Step work is a necessity. I know this logically and on a physical level. My meetings are limited again until I have the new car but the Salvation Army meeting is better than no meeting. :)
Zac, DM is not a drinker or user but I do anticipate a phone call at some point. Or a text message. Great suggestion to have a list of numbers on hand.
So I dropped off the keys and debit card that I had of his. I actually have felt quite peaceful since. Well, that isn't entirely true. I find myself getting angry at moments just because of the hatred of his words this morning. I have done everything in my power to support this man and have been there for him to a fault of enabling. I am looking at the termination of the friendship as a gift to myself and a gift to him.
I think the biggest fear I have is either bumping into him in our complex or noticing that his car hasn't moved for days...which I will automatically assume that he finally succeeded in suicide. Either situation, I am powerless. I have my own journey to continue forth on. For so long I thought our journeys would be shared. That illusion has been destroyed.
The serenity prayer keeps playing in my mind.
I did want to share a really special experience that happened yesterday. Well, first let me back up. My grandfather passed away when I was 3.5 years old. We were very close, even though I was so young when he passed. I've had several spiritual experiences when he has either come to me in dreams or while praying. About six years ago my mom had an experience where grandpa came to her and said, "the key Lisa's heart and happiness is through self-love". I've carried a key that my mom gave me since to remind me of my grandpa's words. Last Sunday (4 days before DM's second attempt) I was praying and I "heard" my grandpa say, "let go and be at peace". I think I have already shared this part, so forgive my repitition. Those words have kept me going over the last week. Anyway, yesterday a co-worker whom is also very intuitive brought me a gift. Before she gave it to me she explained that when she was leaving her abusive ex-husband a friend gave her a key. At this point in the conversation she pulled out a key...looks just like the one my mom gave me but is silver, not gold. And she said, "my friend told me, K***, you hold the key to your happiness. The key is through self-love". OMG. as soon as she said these words I got chills and I told her about my grandpa's words to my mom years ago. We both ended up getting emotional. Then she pulled out a necklace with a key as the charm and gave it to me. Isn't that such an amazing illustration of how my HP and grandpa are supporting me during this time. I wanted to share this experience with all of you. For those of you who may be seeking for a 'burning bush' spiritual experience to solidify your desire to become/stay sober...remember, sometimes the burning bush doesn't come when we want it. But God's grace and love is always there.
In spirit,
Lisa
Zac, DM is not a drinker or user but I do anticipate a phone call at some point. Or a text message. Great suggestion to have a list of numbers on hand.
So I dropped off the keys and debit card that I had of his. I actually have felt quite peaceful since. Well, that isn't entirely true. I find myself getting angry at moments just because of the hatred of his words this morning. I have done everything in my power to support this man and have been there for him to a fault of enabling. I am looking at the termination of the friendship as a gift to myself and a gift to him.
I think the biggest fear I have is either bumping into him in our complex or noticing that his car hasn't moved for days...which I will automatically assume that he finally succeeded in suicide. Either situation, I am powerless. I have my own journey to continue forth on. For so long I thought our journeys would be shared. That illusion has been destroyed.
The serenity prayer keeps playing in my mind.
I did want to share a really special experience that happened yesterday. Well, first let me back up. My grandfather passed away when I was 3.5 years old. We were very close, even though I was so young when he passed. I've had several spiritual experiences when he has either come to me in dreams or while praying. About six years ago my mom had an experience where grandpa came to her and said, "the key Lisa's heart and happiness is through self-love". I've carried a key that my mom gave me since to remind me of my grandpa's words. Last Sunday (4 days before DM's second attempt) I was praying and I "heard" my grandpa say, "let go and be at peace". I think I have already shared this part, so forgive my repitition. Those words have kept me going over the last week. Anyway, yesterday a co-worker whom is also very intuitive brought me a gift. Before she gave it to me she explained that when she was leaving her abusive ex-husband a friend gave her a key. At this point in the conversation she pulled out a key...looks just like the one my mom gave me but is silver, not gold. And she said, "my friend told me, K***, you hold the key to your happiness. The key is through self-love". OMG. as soon as she said these words I got chills and I told her about my grandpa's words to my mom years ago. We both ended up getting emotional. Then she pulled out a necklace with a key as the charm and gave it to me. Isn't that such an amazing illustration of how my HP and grandpa are supporting me during this time. I wanted to share this experience with all of you. For those of you who may be seeking for a 'burning bush' spiritual experience to solidify your desire to become/stay sober...remember, sometimes the burning bush doesn't come when we want it. But God's grace and love is always there.
In spirit,
Lisa
WOW Lisa that is such an awesome story! Gave me chills when I read it. I hope you are still strong today girlfriend. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best. God bless and take care. "smile"
Hi, Zipper.
In "conversations," there's a chapter on relationships--Chapter 8, pp123. (hey, lookie, easy as 1,2,3!).
On page 126 it says,
Good food for the head...
In "conversations," there's a chapter on relationships--Chapter 8, pp123. (hey, lookie, easy as 1,2,3!).
| QUOTE |
| It is very romantic to say that now that your special other has entered your life, you feel complete. Yet the purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. |
| QUOTE |
| Your first relationship, therefore, must be with your Self. You must learn to Honor, Cherish and Love your Self. |
Good food for the head...
Hiya Zip,
Cool story of the key. Remember to keep consistent with him. He will try all the tricks in the book to manipulate you. When I left a toxic abusive relationship years ago...about 6 months into it I heard through the grapevine that he had cancer. Even his family was calling me about it. I stood firm and told them I was sorry to hear that but what did they want me to do? Turns out this d**kh**d made it all up to get me to come back to him. What kind of a sick twisted person would lie about cancer?
Just be prepared for anything girl. Even things he may not have done before. He obviously knows how to push your buttons so he will do just that. JMHO.
Take care my friend,
Valarie :-)
Cool story of the key. Remember to keep consistent with him. He will try all the tricks in the book to manipulate you. When I left a toxic abusive relationship years ago...about 6 months into it I heard through the grapevine that he had cancer. Even his family was calling me about it. I stood firm and told them I was sorry to hear that but what did they want me to do? Turns out this d**kh**d made it all up to get me to come back to him. What kind of a sick twisted person would lie about cancer?
Just be prepared for anything girl. Even things he may not have done before. He obviously knows how to push your buttons so he will do just that. JMHO.
Take care my friend,
Valarie :-)
Exactly, SKG....thank you.
Pirate, thank you so very much for your continued support and friendship.
ValArie...LOL...you are exactly right. I have no idea what scheme he will try. I am staying at a friends tonight. My co-worker/friend who gave me the key told me that I could stay in her guest room for awhile. That would be so very very helpful...really following through by action and giving me the space I need and deserve. I pray this will all workout.
Hugs to everyone. TGIF.
Pirate, thank you so very much for your continued support and friendship.
ValArie...LOL...you are exactly right. I have no idea what scheme he will try. I am staying at a friends tonight. My co-worker/friend who gave me the key told me that I could stay in her guest room for awhile. That would be so very very helpful...really following through by action and giving me the space I need and deserve. I pray this will all workout.
Hugs to everyone. TGIF.
Hey Zip,
Just a bit more food for thought. Have you asked yourself if you really want this relationship over? Do you? Or do you still want the relationship but you want things to be different between the two of you?
Are you staying with friends because you honestly do not want to see him? Or are you staying with friends because you want him to be upset and miss you? Be aware of your own manipulative behavior in this. If you are staying at friends to make him miss you then you are also playing the game.
Again..JMHO...I did the same thing you are doing. At first I thought I really wanted out but in actuality all I wanted was him to love me and appreciate me. The game of codependence is a bi*tch.
Have a great day girlfriend. I hope your weekend is a peaceful one. :-)
Just a bit more food for thought. Have you asked yourself if you really want this relationship over? Do you? Or do you still want the relationship but you want things to be different between the two of you?
Are you staying with friends because you honestly do not want to see him? Or are you staying with friends because you want him to be upset and miss you? Be aware of your own manipulative behavior in this. If you are staying at friends to make him miss you then you are also playing the game.
Again..JMHO...I did the same thing you are doing. At first I thought I really wanted out but in actuality all I wanted was him to love me and appreciate me. The game of codependence is a bi*tch.
Have a great day girlfriend. I hope your weekend is a peaceful one. :-)
Great questions. I am staying with a friend because she invited me and I thought that would be a great way to remove myself of the situation. He will have no idea that I am gone or not. Our apartments aren't that close where we've never seen each other coming or going, which is good.
No, I do not want to be with him, whether it is different or not. Too much damage has been done. As I finally got to the point of being done with my ex-husband who was physically abusive, I am there now. It is all about self-preservation right now. And I have seen his anger...I do not want to be in any proximity of the risk.
Great food for thought though. Thank you friend.
No, I do not want to be with him, whether it is different or not. Too much damage has been done. As I finally got to the point of being done with my ex-husband who was physically abusive, I am there now. It is all about self-preservation right now. And I have seen his anger...I do not want to be in any proximity of the risk.
Great food for thought though. Thank you friend.
Hiya Zip,
I know you are at your friends but check in when ya can. I was thinking about you and hoping that D didn't track you down and you are having a fun weekend with your girlfriend.
xxoo Valarie
I know you are at your friends but check in when ya can. I was thinking about you and hoping that D didn't track you down and you are having a fun weekend with your girlfriend.
xxoo Valarie
I think Dave killed himself today. He kept texting me yesterday and I didn't respond. He left me a nasty voicemail late last night concoting a delusional story. I left him one message this morning asking for him to leave me alone, that I was done, and if he continued to harrass me, I'd call the cops. He texted a few more nasty text's saying that people would be breaking into my home while I was at work. That I am weak and that I betray people. I still didn't respond. He sent me a final text almost at 3 today that was kind of cryptic. He said he needed me. That his words weren't from anger but from heart ache. He then said, "I wanted you to need this. I am grateful now that you set me free. I promise my silence". At first I read it like he wanted me to need the relationship. Now I believe he meant he wanted me to need him to die. I spent the night at a friends last night. I was agitated and didn't feel safe going home until about 5pm when I felt really peaceful and felt that I could go home and I'd be safe. When I got home tonight he had hung a blanket in his bedroom window so no one can look in. He lives in the basement of the complex. He left his kitchen lights on, which is out of character.
I've decided that if by tomorrow afternoon his car hasn't moved that I will call the police to do a welfare check on him. I am hesitant calling the police now in the event that he is still alive and well...I just don't know what to do but intuitively, something has shifted. I will keep you posted. - Lisa
I've decided that if by tomorrow afternoon his car hasn't moved that I will call the police to do a welfare check on him. I am hesitant calling the police now in the event that he is still alive and well...I just don't know what to do but intuitively, something has shifted. I will keep you posted. - Lisa
Valarie, you are so right...I fell for another manipulation tactic. He is alive. He has moved his car. I will not allow myself to be held emotionally hostage anymore.
I knew it Zip. Get away from him before he actually succeeds in killing himself. He will do it to spite you and to have you be the one to find him.
YGM!
XX Valarie
First thing you should do imo is change your phone numbers. You can email all your friends and business associates of the new number. Get it unlisted.
As long as he can reach you he is still in control. This is your life Zip and it's time to start taking care of yourself. I see nothing good coming out of this.
YGM!
XX Valarie
First thing you should do imo is change your phone numbers. You can email all your friends and business associates of the new number. Get it unlisted.
As long as he can reach you he is still in control. This is your life Zip and it's time to start taking care of yourself. I see nothing good coming out of this.
Zip Pleaseeeeeeeeee be careful and on guard. Not meaning to scare you but I am going to tell you a story of what happened here less than 2 years ago. This woman was planning on leaving her common law husband. Jealousy and rage I guess ,plus the fact that alcohol was involved caused him to do something terrible. He shot her and killed her and then killed himself. He shot her while she was at a friends' house trying to get away from him. He had shot her while she was on the patio of her friends having a smoke. Not telling you this to scare you but to make you cautious and never feel too relaxed. No one could believe that this man did that nor expected it of him. Just goes to show how far things can ecsalate. Take care and please be safe and I hope and pray that things will work out for you. God bless and take care.
