I have composed this in my head a million times and for some reason just haven't had the will or energy to sit down and write it all out.
Some of you here know my story and have been so supportive in this struggle with my son and his addiction. I can't thank you enough.
Things have gone from bad to worse. Jake relapsed 3 weeks out of treatment. Lots of lies, but now some honesty and it's come down to this. He has used almost every day since then. He has gone back to his old behaviors, stealing, lying and manipulating. I'm the victim because I've chosen to be. Anyone that I've talked to about this too, says, kick his a** out. My heart won't let me. He's been clean now for a week and on Monday takes his physical (UA) for the army. My only hope is that he passes and is accepted. It's my only solution right now. I don't know what else to do or how to feel.
Being an addict is one thing, being a parent of an addict is a whole nuther ball of wax. I am enabling him. I see it in how I talk to him every day. Instead of getting pissed off, I say how much I understand. Well, I don't understand anymore. I don't understand a child that has been given everything and so much love could steal from us. He always comes clean about it and apologizes, trying to make it right, but it'll never be alright. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. This family is being held hostage because of his disease.
I know what I'm suppose to do...go to Alanon, get support and work on my own recovery. I'm doing that, but it's not enough. I am so sad, so beaten down right now.
Lisa My Father gave me an ultimatum.If you love your son you need to throw him out 100%. Let him live his life until he hits his bottom.
Otherwise your Pucked. You must hit bottom. I dont know you or your son. What i do know is addiction. Thank god for my Dad as my Mom would have enabled me forever.
Do you have a sponsor in Alanon?
I feel for you Lisa. But I think you understand addiction as well as I do. So? you know whats needed. Do it before its to late.
Jeff
Otherwise your Pucked. You must hit bottom. I dont know you or your son. What i do know is addiction. Thank god for my Dad as my Mom would have enabled me forever.
Do you have a sponsor in Alanon?
I feel for you Lisa. But I think you understand addiction as well as I do. So? you know whats needed. Do it before its to late.
Jeff
I keep telling myself that it would be harder on me if I kicked him out. Not knowing if he was eating, where he was sleeping or if he was dead, would kill me. At least while he's home, I can keep an eye on him and hopefully say that one right thing that will get through to him. I guess I'm just not ready to give up? I haven't hit my bottom? I know he hasn't hit his...he's too young. Has no idea what his actions have caused or can cause in the future.
You know, I had no problem kicking my oldest out when he was using cocaine...didn't even think twice. And it was the one thing that made a difference for him. Made him grow up and now look at him...married, happy, clean and sober. I just think Jake is a different kid. He's not as resilient as his brother..not as resourceful. I don't know. I feel like a f***ing hypocrite.
You know, I had no problem kicking my oldest out when he was using cocaine...didn't even think twice. And it was the one thing that made a difference for him. Made him grow up and now look at him...married, happy, clean and sober. I just think Jake is a different kid. He's not as resilient as his brother..not as resourceful. I don't know. I feel like a f***ing hypocrite.
Lisa, you can love an addict to death.
Get to Al Anon. Surrender.
Get a Sponsor.
Heed her advice.
Do it before you find your son dead in his room.
Love,
David
Get to Al Anon. Surrender.
Get a Sponsor.
Heed her advice.
Do it before you find your son dead in his room.
Love,
David
I am sorry you are going through this. You know where to find me and until then, sending beams of light and love your way.
Hold fast to what you "know" is right, not what you "feel" is right.
Hold fast to what you "know" is right, not what you "feel" is right.
David quotes,
Lisa, you can love an addict to death.
Man.I'm sorry to hear that but it's out of your hands.You know what to do.If I can be of any help Lisa,don't think twice asking.
Lisa, you can love an addict to death.
Man.I'm sorry to hear that but it's out of your hands.You know what to do.If I can be of any help Lisa,don't think twice asking.
I am sorry Lisa...
They are not to young to hit bottom, not at all. Dont buy into that
A thought to ponder
I have one concern and I had this with my son.
If I didnt let him feel the effect of his using crack, and enabled and enabled.Well we now have him on the fence, in the world he knows ( a safe place ) and one he has no real idea aboutand the more I enable the more he gets accustomed to that world, learns a trick or 2 on how to survive, learns the ins and outs of the gameand one day when I have exhausted myself maybe, maybe not to the point of cutting him off.that then he would step right in and feel right at home having had all the time in the world to learn how to live and survive in hell
Hope this makes sense, it is late and I am heading to bed. I will send an email tomorrow
Let go for him, he needs you too
Love,
Tina
They are not to young to hit bottom, not at all. Dont buy into that
A thought to ponder
I have one concern and I had this with my son.
If I didnt let him feel the effect of his using crack, and enabled and enabled.Well we now have him on the fence, in the world he knows ( a safe place ) and one he has no real idea aboutand the more I enable the more he gets accustomed to that world, learns a trick or 2 on how to survive, learns the ins and outs of the gameand one day when I have exhausted myself maybe, maybe not to the point of cutting him off.that then he would step right in and feel right at home having had all the time in the world to learn how to live and survive in hell
Hope this makes sense, it is late and I am heading to bed. I will send an email tomorrow
Let go for him, he needs you too
Love,
Tina
You repeated in your letter here that he does come clean after the fact, sounds like you're still trying to justify not using tough love. I agree with AWest, you can and are loving him to death.
I would probably give him a chance to get into the service but if that falls through then you will need to let him go. He probably learned by now that if he comes clean with you then you will enable him even longer. Probably knew you were on to him is why he came clean, addicts are very smart and learn how to use those around them to get what they want.
My sister is going through the same hell with her 22 year old son. She threw him out because one, she couldn't live with her home being so disrupted and two, she knew he will never change if she continued to take care of him. He pretty much burned all of his bridges, he's living with his sister now who has told him he has to leave today, of course he has disrupted her home as well. His bottom is coming and so far refuses treatment but if she is strong enough to make him leave today, I guarentee treatment is going to look so much better than living out in the cold street. He ran out of places to run now. Only way he will ever pull is life together is for him to hit the bottom.
I would probably give him a chance to get into the service but if that falls through then you will need to let him go. He probably learned by now that if he comes clean with you then you will enable him even longer. Probably knew you were on to him is why he came clean, addicts are very smart and learn how to use those around them to get what they want.
My sister is going through the same hell with her 22 year old son. She threw him out because one, she couldn't live with her home being so disrupted and two, she knew he will never change if she continued to take care of him. He pretty much burned all of his bridges, he's living with his sister now who has told him he has to leave today, of course he has disrupted her home as well. His bottom is coming and so far refuses treatment but if she is strong enough to make him leave today, I guarentee treatment is going to look so much better than living out in the cold street. He ran out of places to run now. Only way he will ever pull is life together is for him to hit the bottom.
Tina,I'm amazed you're not in Alanon.You have some of the most pragmatic advise on dealing with partners and family members I've ever seen.I'm glad you are here.You would make an excellent counselor.
I keep telling myself that it would be harder on me if I kicked him out.
That may be true, Lis, but it's not about you, is it? Don't kill him with love.
That may be true, Lis, but it's not about you, is it? Don't kill him with love.
Lisa,
Thanks so much for being honest with your situation.
I'm not going to offer advice. As the parent of an 18 and 20-year old, I can only imagine how hard it would be to turn my back. I love them more than anyone or anything, just as you do your son.
Your not to blame for his continued use. It's not like if you acted perfectly, he'd magically recover. Wish it were so. We'd all like to believe that if we just did x,y, and z, the addict would get better.
But as some folks have done, I'd encourage you to use Alanon to talk with others who may also have gone through something similar, learn from their experience, figure out your own answers. Being a parent doesn't mean that you have to descend into the hell of addiction with him.
Mike
Thanks so much for being honest with your situation.
I'm not going to offer advice. As the parent of an 18 and 20-year old, I can only imagine how hard it would be to turn my back. I love them more than anyone or anything, just as you do your son.
Your not to blame for his continued use. It's not like if you acted perfectly, he'd magically recover. Wish it were so. We'd all like to believe that if we just did x,y, and z, the addict would get better.
But as some folks have done, I'd encourage you to use Alanon to talk with others who may also have gone through something similar, learn from their experience, figure out your own answers. Being a parent doesn't mean that you have to descend into the hell of addiction with him.
Mike
Lisa, I'm so very sorry for all you are feeling. When you have had enough you will know it. I think it's interesting about how much easier it was with your other son...the ones most like ourselves seem to be the ones we worry most about because what we know about ourselves and our predilictions scares us.
God, I agonized over telling R to leave...AGONIZED...and second-guessed, and felt the fear rise in my heart, my stomach. The response to that fear is so physical, we feel it with everything we are. You know all you need to know to make your decisions and that one is the hardest...but it does get easier once you do let it happen. Harder than putting her out was coming to the acceptance that she might not survive herself and self-destruct either deliberatley or accidentally. Once I had that revelation and knew it for the truth it was, that was my moment...the putting her out followed naturally, though painfully. Hearing myself ask my husband if it was okay to just let her use for a couple weeks until she went to rehab...well....that woke me up.
Help him to help himself, Lisa. You will both get to where you need to be, even if the journey seems interminable right now. Prayers for you and Jake and the family.
Peace ~ M&M
God, I agonized over telling R to leave...AGONIZED...and second-guessed, and felt the fear rise in my heart, my stomach. The response to that fear is so physical, we feel it with everything we are. You know all you need to know to make your decisions and that one is the hardest...but it does get easier once you do let it happen. Harder than putting her out was coming to the acceptance that she might not survive herself and self-destruct either deliberatley or accidentally. Once I had that revelation and knew it for the truth it was, that was my moment...the putting her out followed naturally, though painfully. Hearing myself ask my husband if it was okay to just let her use for a couple weeks until she went to rehab...well....that woke me up.
Help him to help himself, Lisa. You will both get to where you need to be, even if the journey seems interminable right now. Prayers for you and Jake and the family.
Peace ~ M&M
Geez can I relate. I know it's hard Lisa. The hardest thing I ever did was draw the thick line in the sand with my own kid. I had to, she is an adult and she needs to learn from and feel the repercussions of her choices. She is AND I can't say that she is any closer to getting sober. But, I am no longer hiding behind my own feelings to keep the peace.
It has been one of the hardest things that I have ever done and I still don't know if it will work out okay but I do know that I feel so much better putting up those boundaries for the sake of the others in my family.
I can't say how I would react if my kid were stealing from me though....I just may go ballistic, I know we shouldn't take that personally but I think I would. I know it's the addiction and blah blah blah......but one thing I could never tolerate from my kids was lying and stealing. I know how sick it feels to know that you have given your kids every opportunity in the world only to watch them toss away like a piece of trash! I get so angry when I think about it. I feel for you sweety.
Addiction destroys so much. Take what you have learned and try to apply it objectively. Hopefully he gets accepted in the service and if he doesn't.....well I would tell him it's time to go!
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hold tight and utilize Alanon it's helped me soooooooooooo much.
Hugs
It has been one of the hardest things that I have ever done and I still don't know if it will work out okay but I do know that I feel so much better putting up those boundaries for the sake of the others in my family.
I can't say how I would react if my kid were stealing from me though....I just may go ballistic, I know we shouldn't take that personally but I think I would. I know it's the addiction and blah blah blah......but one thing I could never tolerate from my kids was lying and stealing. I know how sick it feels to know that you have given your kids every opportunity in the world only to watch them toss away like a piece of trash! I get so angry when I think about it. I feel for you sweety.
Addiction destroys so much. Take what you have learned and try to apply it objectively. Hopefully he gets accepted in the service and if he doesn't.....well I would tell him it's time to go!
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hold tight and utilize Alanon it's helped me soooooooooooo much.
Hugs
I love you, Lisa and it hurts to see you so sad and beat down....
I am enabling him. I see it in how I talk to him every day. Instead of getting pissed off, I say how much I understand. Well, I don't understand anymore. I don't understand a child that has been given everything and so much love could steal from us. He always comes clean about it and apologizes, trying to make it right, but it'll never be alright. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. This family is being held hostage because of his disease.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Maybe it's time to make some changes in all of this, doesn't have to be drastic but re-read what you wrote and look at where you can change your actions and follow through with it. If you don't understand, then be honest with him about it......
Lisa, I understand. I know for me, when the pain became too much to keep doing the same thing over and over and my son wasn't willing to change or do what he needed to do, that is when we told him he wasn't going to live with us anymore. It took time, a lot of praying and a point where I just knew I was part of the problem, not part of the solution. He lives the way he chooses to live today and I no longer am a part of the madness of it all....I had to pray, a lot, and ask God to take over because my way wasn't working......
My sponsor also told me that I needed to remember that I had 3 other children that were trying to do the next right thing, living life on life's terms and I needed to be healthy for them and that hit home.
I feel for you and I wish there was something magical I could say to lessen your pain and hurt but there isn't. We're here for you, no matter what.
Much love,
xoxo
Stacey
I am enabling him. I see it in how I talk to him every day. Instead of getting pissed off, I say how much I understand. Well, I don't understand anymore. I don't understand a child that has been given everything and so much love could steal from us. He always comes clean about it and apologizes, trying to make it right, but it'll never be alright. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. This family is being held hostage because of his disease.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Maybe it's time to make some changes in all of this, doesn't have to be drastic but re-read what you wrote and look at where you can change your actions and follow through with it. If you don't understand, then be honest with him about it......
Lisa, I understand. I know for me, when the pain became too much to keep doing the same thing over and over and my son wasn't willing to change or do what he needed to do, that is when we told him he wasn't going to live with us anymore. It took time, a lot of praying and a point where I just knew I was part of the problem, not part of the solution. He lives the way he chooses to live today and I no longer am a part of the madness of it all....I had to pray, a lot, and ask God to take over because my way wasn't working......
My sponsor also told me that I needed to remember that I had 3 other children that were trying to do the next right thing, living life on life's terms and I needed to be healthy for them and that hit home.
I feel for you and I wish there was something magical I could say to lessen your pain and hurt but there isn't. We're here for you, no matter what.
Much love,
xoxo
Stacey
As I said, I am going to Alanon now...kicking and screaming, but I go. Get a sponsor there? Yes, I've asked around.
As for Jake...each and everyone of you is right. It is the same advice I would give to others. But for some reason can not heed it myself. He is my child. But, BUT, I won't watch him die either. It's time for him to go.
As for Jake...each and everyone of you is right. It is the same advice I would give to others. But for some reason can not heed it myself. He is my child. But, BUT, I won't watch him die either. It's time for him to go.
Lisa,
I am so sorry for what your family is going through. The only thing I've been through that even comes close is the problems over the years with my stepdaughter. If her dad were still here, he would still be trying to "help" her and it used to piss me off. But I understand why he did it. He would get so fed up and swear that he was done and she was on her own.
The last straw was when she lost her kids for good. Or so he said. He still took her back in his arms and swore he would do anything he could for her. He loved her. No matter what she did to hurt him, he loved her. It didn't get her anywhere though. She was always a daddy's girl and he couldn't even get through to her. Now her mom is in the same situation we were with her. This might sound cruel but that is one positive thing about this whole situation. I don't have to deal with her anymore. She created more drama in the past 7 or 8 months than I've had my whole life.
But, like I said, it was easy for me to detach. She wasn't my flesh and blood.
I wish you and your family nothing but the best, Lisa. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers. You are at least trying. You're doing the best that you can.
Love,
Jodi
I am so sorry for what your family is going through. The only thing I've been through that even comes close is the problems over the years with my stepdaughter. If her dad were still here, he would still be trying to "help" her and it used to piss me off. But I understand why he did it. He would get so fed up and swear that he was done and she was on her own.
The last straw was when she lost her kids for good. Or so he said. He still took her back in his arms and swore he would do anything he could for her. He loved her. No matter what she did to hurt him, he loved her. It didn't get her anywhere though. She was always a daddy's girl and he couldn't even get through to her. Now her mom is in the same situation we were with her. This might sound cruel but that is one positive thing about this whole situation. I don't have to deal with her anymore. She created more drama in the past 7 or 8 months than I've had my whole life.
But, like I said, it was easy for me to detach. She wasn't my flesh and blood.
I wish you and your family nothing but the best, Lisa. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers. You are at least trying. You're doing the best that you can.
Love,
Jodi
Jake's Asmat and Meps for the Army got put off for another 3 days. He goes Tuesday instead of Sunday. Blessing. He'll have that much more clean time before his UA. I'm taking this one day at a time for now. I'll worry about what happens next if he doesn't get in the army. I feel better doing it this way, rather than future tripping. I do know though...he can't stay here if he doesn't get in. He'll have to figure it out and knows it.
Lisa you have my info if you want to talk or write---look what is missing hear IMO is YOUR FREAKIN RECOVERY.
I am a father --I Love my girls --would die for either one in a second. Lisa not only are you putting your son at risk something you CAN CONTROL--you know this your an addict you have sat through ?? how many hours?? but your messing with your sobriety.
Anything I write hear you already understand. Probably better than myself.
O/T-Where is my thong picture? You are one skinny HOT DRUG ADDICT
Lisa PLEASE stop the focusing on your son and realize your sobriety is all that matters.
God you have helped so many people here your a Goddess of advice. well now your in a bad place. I can imagine the friends calling you with there advice.
My advice is quite simple --Use your eduction of our disease and get that skinny sexy arse to ALANON ASAP--
Your son must be cut off 100% --. But If it was me I would be finding myself a sponsor and go to meetings like you did in NA-But now you have 2 meetings a day.
Lisa My Mom would have enabled me in 1988--thought my dad god rest his soul was f-in nuts==She would say how can he make his Fiance so happy and bring in all this business and be so "MESSED UP" she was against the halfway house I never said this to anyone but truth she thought I was going throgh a phase--LMFAO god she is so cute my Mom.
Anyway Lisa if your son gets accepted to the army that is so freakin awesome.
He will become a man-FAST
LISA I AM PRAYING FOR YOU SURRENDER TO YOUR ADDICTION TO YOUR SON--YOU UNDERTAND OUR DISEASE BEAT THE SHEET OUT OF IT LISA
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
Jeff
I am a father --I Love my girls --would die for either one in a second. Lisa not only are you putting your son at risk something you CAN CONTROL--you know this your an addict you have sat through ?? how many hours?? but your messing with your sobriety.
Anything I write hear you already understand. Probably better than myself.
O/T-Where is my thong picture? You are one skinny HOT DRUG ADDICT
Lisa PLEASE stop the focusing on your son and realize your sobriety is all that matters.
God you have helped so many people here your a Goddess of advice. well now your in a bad place. I can imagine the friends calling you with there advice.
My advice is quite simple --Use your eduction of our disease and get that skinny sexy arse to ALANON ASAP--
Your son must be cut off 100% --. But If it was me I would be finding myself a sponsor and go to meetings like you did in NA-But now you have 2 meetings a day.
Lisa My Mom would have enabled me in 1988--thought my dad god rest his soul was f-in nuts==She would say how can he make his Fiance so happy and bring in all this business and be so "MESSED UP" she was against the halfway house I never said this to anyone but truth she thought I was going throgh a phase--LMFAO god she is so cute my Mom.
Anyway Lisa if your son gets accepted to the army that is so freakin awesome.
He will become a man-FAST
LISA I AM PRAYING FOR YOU SURRENDER TO YOUR ADDICTION TO YOUR SON--YOU UNDERTAND OUR DISEASE BEAT THE SHEET OUT OF IT LISA
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
Jeff
Lisa,
Not that I have advice for you, but I just want to let you know I am in your EXACT same shoes. My son has my family hostage. I won't leave my purse on the kitchen chair or anywhere, for that matter. I lock it in my safe. We all lock everything that can fit in our safes. It's our way of life.
I know I am an enabler, and I know what I should do. I just can't. I can't stop making sure he's safe. I broke down yesterday and told him that I am killing him. He's slowly dying and it's my fault because I enable him to continue to use, by not allowing him to reach his rock bottom......if he even has one. I do go to Naranon, and I know what I SHOULD do....................
I wish there was someplace for him to go, like the Armed Forces, but he can't. He's on probation.
I just have to find the strength to let him go. Kick him out and watch him fall. I just pray he can pick himself up, and I am so afraid he can't.
I really do admire others on this board who CAN and HAVE let their kids go. They are very strong people.
You and your son are in my prayers,
JT
Not that I have advice for you, but I just want to let you know I am in your EXACT same shoes. My son has my family hostage. I won't leave my purse on the kitchen chair or anywhere, for that matter. I lock it in my safe. We all lock everything that can fit in our safes. It's our way of life.
I know I am an enabler, and I know what I should do. I just can't. I can't stop making sure he's safe. I broke down yesterday and told him that I am killing him. He's slowly dying and it's my fault because I enable him to continue to use, by not allowing him to reach his rock bottom......if he even has one. I do go to Naranon, and I know what I SHOULD do....................
I wish there was someplace for him to go, like the Armed Forces, but he can't. He's on probation.
I just have to find the strength to let him go. Kick him out and watch him fall. I just pray he can pick himself up, and I am so afraid he can't.
I really do admire others on this board who CAN and HAVE let their kids go. They are very strong people.
You and your son are in my prayers,
JT
I really feel for you, Lisa and JT. I couldn't imagine having to do that. Actually I don't think you should. Your mothers and our jobs is to keep them safe, my oldest is 18, no problems, but I don't suppose you stop being a mom at any age.
I think the farthest I'd go is pray Jake get in the military, and JT, maybe tell his PO? If he gets locked up at least you know he's safe. For me throwing them out wouldn't be an option, but keep in mind, I don't go to AA or anything and don't really know what I'm talking about. Just feel for you both.
Roseanne
I think the farthest I'd go is pray Jake get in the military, and JT, maybe tell his PO? If he gets locked up at least you know he's safe. For me throwing them out wouldn't be an option, but keep in mind, I don't go to AA or anything and don't really know what I'm talking about. Just feel for you both.
Roseanne