My brother was an addict who lived with me and my mother. My father had died suddenly and his addiction was really bad. He was a meth user and stayed in his room night and day. I would hear him up all night long. It was HELL for me. The fighting was constant. We would bang on the doors screaming for him to go to sleep. His face and arms were all picked up. His room stunk. I was only 22 and to this day I feel sickened by it. He stole from me and my mother. People would come up to me and tell me that he owed them money. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think he would get better.
My mother used to threaten to throw him out all the time. She never was able. She went and talked to our minister and he told her that he felt it was the best thing to do. He said if he was brought up right and knew God it was his only hope.
One day after he went out we put a bag of his belongings on the step. We had the locks changed. It was devastating. I loved my brother yet hated him. My mother said it was second to burying my Dad in difficulty. He was working at a Holiday Inn at the time and began to steal rooms to live in. After four or five days he bottomed out. He went into rehab and has been clean ever since. At the time he was 28. Today he is 54 and is married with a 12 year old daughter. My mother prayed the same prayer every day that he would get clean and meet someone nice. It was ten years she was praying and he finally got clean. After he came home he never went out except to go to work. He met his wife at work.
Looking back I see that she wasn't helping him by putting a roof over his head. I was surprised that he bottomed out so quickly. Sometimes the smartest thing to do is also the hardest.
P.S. He never attended meetings which used to worry me. I've never asked him how he does it.
At my mothers funeral he credited her with saving his life.
Alice
Thank you for understanding JT..I'm in your corner. The military at this point is Jake's only option. I have a feeling that he used on Thursday so I don't think he'll pass his UA on Tuesday. We'll never know though...he won't tell us I'm sure and the army certainly won't. He is close to hitting his bottom, I can feel it. Do I kick him out and let him fall? I'm still at a loss. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
You, Jeff..are the bomb. With all you have going on, you still have time for me. Thank you. You are so right.
You, Jeff..are the bomb. With all you have going on, you still have time for me. Thank you. You are so right.
"Do I kick him out and let him fall?"
Yes, dear heart.
Love,
August
Yes, dear heart.
Love,
August
Yes. I have too.
JT, Just wanted to throw this out there to you in case you might want to look more into it. Depending on what your son is on probation for the military does have waivers they use for people who are on probation and want to enlist. They would work closely with his probation officer to make sure all the i's were dotted and t's were crossed before they let him enlist. Again, it does depend on what he is on probation for. My nephew was on probation and was allowed to enlist in the Marines. It was a long process but it finally did pay off. He is in a much better place today because of it. Something worth looking into if you have the time. Sorry to read what you are having to go through. It must be tough. Shantel
Cowgirl,
I am so sorry you are having this problem. There are no easy decisions . The 'right' decision is hard to make cause it can be dangerous & the wrong decision can turn out right.
When my daughter was going thru a bad few years my heart was aching and I prayed when I thought of her and kept the communication doors open (not neccesarily the doors to my home) ---but it was a situation where her behaviour at my home was intollerable & I didn't have to throw her out, (I was very close to having her committed as a danger to herself & others) she left and lived with her mother for a short time and then went on her own.
I always tried to be a good father but I blamed myself for a lot. My heart was broken a couple of times- but like I said I kept communication open and prayed.
Well over the years she grew up and changed (though she still has a pain in the a** temper once in a while) and got her GED and went to college & became a good person and now she is a nurse and works with kids which she loves.
Today after talking to her I thought to myself that if I died today I would be a happy man at the great way all my children have turned out.
I really hope and pray that this turns out good and I think it will. I know that you have conveyed goodness and love to him his whole live and eventually it will win.
I am so sorry you are having this problem. There are no easy decisions . The 'right' decision is hard to make cause it can be dangerous & the wrong decision can turn out right.
When my daughter was going thru a bad few years my heart was aching and I prayed when I thought of her and kept the communication doors open (not neccesarily the doors to my home) ---but it was a situation where her behaviour at my home was intollerable & I didn't have to throw her out, (I was very close to having her committed as a danger to herself & others) she left and lived with her mother for a short time and then went on her own.
I always tried to be a good father but I blamed myself for a lot. My heart was broken a couple of times- but like I said I kept communication open and prayed.
Well over the years she grew up and changed (though she still has a pain in the a** temper once in a while) and got her GED and went to college & became a good person and now she is a nurse and works with kids which she loves.
Today after talking to her I thought to myself that if I died today I would be a happy man at the great way all my children have turned out.
I really hope and pray that this turns out good and I think it will. I know that you have conveyed goodness and love to him his whole live and eventually it will win.
Lisa-It depends on what he used.Short acting opiates are out in a couple of days but I don't know what kind of advanced drug test they use.Drinking too much water can mess with the PH factor too.
I think the best thing would be the military but I'm being selfish.I think this would make your life easier.When I told you before that I probably couldn't kick my kid out either that was under the assumption he was going to meetings and trying.
The drugs have got him Lisa.We know that's about.I feel sorry you having to make this hard decision but you're being played and thats what active addicts do.He knows he's your favorite.
Talk to your sponsor,come up with a plan.You're too close to him.
I think the best thing would be the military but I'm being selfish.I think this would make your life easier.When I told you before that I probably couldn't kick my kid out either that was under the assumption he was going to meetings and trying.
The drugs have got him Lisa.We know that's about.I feel sorry you having to make this hard decision but you're being played and thats what active addicts do.He knows he's your favorite.
Talk to your sponsor,come up with a plan.You're too close to him.
Hi lisa Good morning Just wanted to say hello. I think going into the army is exactly if my Father had his wish would have been my fate. But That was impossible due to my health.
The army IMO is the best place for your son and for you.
And over the years you have helped so many people here. What goes around comes around. You know how to reach me. I have been through a lot but sheet lately but its life. Yea Iwould be lying I am messed up between my eye and my dad but my Family friends and my use of the tools of AA and recovery gets me through the day.
But I cant imagine the daly pain you are enduring as a mother.
Lisa do you remember how we were at your sons age?
He has a tough fight ahead But more important you have to takse care of Lisa. And you know what you need to do for Lisa. I am confident you will do it.
Have a good Sunday--Jeff
The army IMO is the best place for your son and for you.
And over the years you have helped so many people here. What goes around comes around. You know how to reach me. I have been through a lot but sheet lately but its life. Yea Iwould be lying I am messed up between my eye and my dad but my Family friends and my use of the tools of AA and recovery gets me through the day.
But I cant imagine the daly pain you are enduring as a mother.
Lisa do you remember how we were at your sons age?
He has a tough fight ahead But more important you have to takse care of Lisa. And you know what you need to do for Lisa. I am confident you will do it.
Have a good Sunday--Jeff
Lisa, I am so sorry your family is going through this. There is no doubt in my mind you will make the right decision regarding Jake. You are a strong lady. I hope you don't take this the wrong way by me posting this but from reading all the posts it seems like everyone thinks the Army is the best place for Jake to go but I am not to sure that is the solution. If you don't mind me asking why do you want Jake to join the Army? Is it to get him out of your house or do you think the Army will be good for him? I was just talking to my husband about your situation trying to get his feedback on all of this. I think I have told you before he is in the military and has been for 20 years. The job he just came off of was assistant legal officer.His job entailed dealing with all the newly enlisted guys who get into trouble over the course of time. Things like underage drinking, adultery, writing bad checks, awol, fradulant enlistment, drugs you name it. I gotta tell you one of the biggest issues he dealt with was these young men using drugs. It was very hard on him because he tried his best to help these kids but when they pop positive on a piss test there is nothing he can do to help them. The military has zero tolerance for drug use. They can't be in the military and attending NA or going to rehab. The only time they will be able to get help for drug use is when they are being discharged for popping positive. I'm not saying this is what is going to happen to Jake but I just wanted to get your feedback on this. Also, my husband said when he goes to enlist they are gonna ask him about drug use or if he has been in any programs for drug use. If he doesn't tell the truth and they find out which could happen because during the course of his career they will do background checks for security clearences he will be charged with fradulant enlistment. Even after 20 years in the military when my husband changes jobs they do these checks and they still go around and talk to our neighbors and scrutinize every area of our lives. Just food for thought. I don't know a whole lot about Jakes situation except for what you have posted but if he happens to pass his UA on Tuesday and they allow him to enlist what are his plans for recovery in the military? I hope you don't take what I have posted in the wrong way. I am just looking at it from both sides. I would hope he gets the help he needs before he joins the military. I would hate to see him put another military member in harms way if he is still using. Shantel
Good post Shantel.I don't know anything about the Military so you brought up some good points.
Tim, I guess the point I was trying to make it that drugs are still available in the military and might be more abused because of the stress and pressure these young men and women are put under. You can't pop positive on a piss test and say opps I have a problem I need help and still expect to keep your military career. Just not going to happen. The time for Jake to get help is now deal with the issues at hand before he joins. He doesn't want a dishonorable discharge on his record if he gets kicked out that will stick with him for life. Shantel
The time for Jake to get help is now deal with the issues at hand before he joins
I can't disagree with you there but it doesn't sound like too many options are left.It doesn't sound like it's working here so just maybe having some tougher rules might work.
Also,I really hate to see what this is doing to Lisa and her family.You can get drugs anywhere if you want them bad enough.
P.S I'm glad you posted that.That was also really kind of your husband to offer that information.
I can't disagree with you there but it doesn't sound like too many options are left.It doesn't sound like it's working here so just maybe having some tougher rules might work.
Also,I really hate to see what this is doing to Lisa and her family.You can get drugs anywhere if you want them bad enough.
P.S I'm glad you posted that.That was also really kind of your husband to offer that information.
Tim, Your right tougher rules and thats what he will get when he enlists. I'm looking at this from all sides. I'm a mother like Lisa and I know how this must be tearing her apart, I am a recovering addict so I know all to well Jakes struggles and I am a military wife who would hate to see like I posted above Jake join and continue to use and put another shipmate in harms way. I wish there was something I could say or do to help but unfortunately only Jake can decide when he is sick and tired of being sick and tired. I can however continue to pray that Lisa finds some sort of peace during this difficult time and that Jake will hit his bottom and reach out for help before it is to late. Shantel
Tim, Thanks, he knows his stuff when it comes down to military legal issues and the issues and temptations these young men and women face on a daily basis. It has been one of the hardest jobs he has done in the military. Having come from a broken home and growing up in the projects of Ft. Worth he has seen it all. It breaks his heart he can't save all of these young kids but like I said before once these kids get busted for drug use there is zero tolerance and it is out of his hands. He had no problem talking to me about the ramifications (sp) that Jake will face if he was ever to get caught and also that there was no recovery program for addicts while enlisted. I remember 3 years ago he was the one to call an intervention on me with my family and at that time he really didn't know that much about addiction hell he didn't even like to take aspirin. To my surprise when I started my recovery program he embraced a program on his own sitting down with a counsolor to learn more about addiction. He is the first one to call me on my bulls*** if he feels something is not right. Shantel
A few details...Jake wanted to go into the army for as long as I can remember. I had talked him out of it right out of high school because I wanted him to get his degree in Construction Managment. He got an AA in buisness and was set to go the University in the fall..then all hell broke loose.
I don't know if it's the right thing for him or not. I have no idea how he plans to stay clean or work a program of recovery there, but he sure as hell isn't doing it here so?
All I know is that I can't live like this anymore. I find things to do in order to stay away from the house and at night, right after dinner, go to my room. I can't stand to have him liie to me anymore, so I don't ask.
This just plain sucks.
I don't know if it's the right thing for him or not. I have no idea how he plans to stay clean or work a program of recovery there, but he sure as hell isn't doing it here so?
All I know is that I can't live like this anymore. I find things to do in order to stay away from the house and at night, right after dinner, go to my room. I can't stand to have him liie to me anymore, so I don't ask.
This just plain sucks.
Lisa,
I just want you to know that I love you and have been thinking about you alot.
You are someone I'd do anything for and I just wish there was something I could do to help you.
Hope it helps to know that you are loved much by many.
Roe
xoxoxox
I just want you to know that I love you and have been thinking about you alot.
You are someone I'd do anything for and I just wish there was something I could do to help you.
Hope it helps to know that you are loved much by many.
Roe
xoxoxox
It does help Roe. It helps knowing I can come here and be safe. I can get what I need, especially my a** kicked by those that love me and do it with love. Are your numbers the same?
days you mean? yes, 32, longest so far. And you know what? ALOT of that is because of you. I mean that. You are a wonderful person and you've helped me so much that I'm gonna make you proud girl.
You are the last person that deserves anything but good things.
When things settle, lets talk some more ok?
You are the last person that deserves anything but good things.
When things settle, lets talk some more ok?
LOL..I meant your phone numbers but your day numbers are awesome! Yes, please, lets talk.
yes! house number is the same. Call anytime. Love, Roe
email too; mine won't go thru to you.
I just haven't wanted to put stress on you with whats going on.
email too; mine won't go thru to you.
I just haven't wanted to put stress on you with whats going on.
