I've gotten both of your emails, are you getting mine?
Hi Lisa~
It made really feel for you when I read you are retreating to the safety of your room. Gosh, sometimes we feel like prisoners. We don't want to hear the lies, but the truth is almost unbearable - where does that leave us?
When will Jake know if he made it?
Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.
Peace~MomNMore
It made really feel for you when I read you are retreating to the safety of your room. Gosh, sometimes we feel like prisoners. We don't want to hear the lies, but the truth is almost unbearable - where does that leave us?
When will Jake know if he made it?
Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.
Peace~MomNMore
He keeps putting the physical off. Every week has an excuse as to why he isn't going. I just don't think he's done using yet and wants enough time for the UA to be clean. I told him last night that his next scheduled one is it. I'm not taking anymore excuses. So, it's a week from today. I know he used last night..so who knows.
I am a prisnor here. I don't want to hear what he has to say anymore. When he tells me how much he loves me and is running around like a madman cleaning, I just know. I don't want to know anymore.
I am a prisnor here. I don't want to hear what he has to say anymore. When he tells me how much he loves me and is running around like a madman cleaning, I just know. I don't want to know anymore.
Lisa - If you don't mind me asking, where is he getting the money for the drugs?
He steals. He has been working lately though and had weekly unemployment checks since Dec. But that's been part of the nightmare because he was stealing from us. Usually my husbands tools from the business. He does concrete so they're worth alot of money at the pawn shops.
I'm sorry. I hope your nightmare ends soon. I could see myself doing the same thing in your situation. I'm starting to learn a little bit about co-dependency and I can see where I am like that with my one daughter. It's funny that I'm not that way with the other one? I have been known to try to "fix" her to the extent of affecting my own well-being. I have much to learn. Not to mention I need to work on "fixing" myself.
Life is too short to be controlled and manipulated by someone that won't make good choices. If you keep enabling him you will be doing him a disservice. If you try to solve his problems then he won't deal with the problems on the inside. It's alot easier said than done.
How does your husband feel about asking him to leave?
Life is too short to be controlled and manipulated by someone that won't make good choices. If you keep enabling him you will be doing him a disservice. If you try to solve his problems then he won't deal with the problems on the inside. It's alot easier said than done.
How does your husband feel about asking him to leave?
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Lisa, I feel your pain. I don't know if you remember me posting a few years back having problems with my daughter and having to put her out of our house. I would never wish the pain I felt on that day on anyone. If you don't mind me asking if he has another excuse next week for not taking his UA what will you do? If you have already told him he is out of your house if he does not go to his physical are you prepared to stand by and follow through with your decision. Shantel
My husband is on the fence. I think he sees that Jake can't continue to live here and learn about life but also, like me, has a hard time "kicking" out a child. Ok, Tim, not a child, a grown man. But still a child in so many ways.
I know what the right thing to do is. It's my stupid Mom heart that is getting in my way.
I know what the right thing to do is. It's my stupid Mom heart that is getting in my way.
I will pray for your family.
A West - Thanks for the passage from "The Prophet".
A West - Thanks for the passage from "The Prophet".
if only I could take your son to the community,they would help a lot.but the elders are very closed minded,and who am I to talk.we love you,and I will pray for your son,and me to,,ooodear what a life,god will answer you ,soon,love poopie,,,,im doing ok to ,cowgirl,again your son ,will have to choose soon,love poopie,,oo the army,,dealing with those mean brain washing men,to kill ,,is something I dont understand ,,well fighting for our country is the wat ,,yes,,and no,,,dont want to lose more young men,but wd in the army,,what a nitemare ,,I think,ooooooooooooo dear ,just want peace of mind for you angel,and your son,poopie
There are no easy answers.Is it too personal to ask why his dad is taking such a laid back attitude.I understand his love but do you feel like he's leaving this to you? I'm just guessing here Lisa.I hear so little about his involvement.
You can tell me to FO,I just hate seeing you in pain.
You can tell me to FO,I just hate seeing you in pain.
| QUOTE |
| I just don't think he's done using yet and wants enough time for the UA to be clean. |
A couple of months back when we asking R to leave, then letting her come back and doing it all over again (it does get easier after the first time - sadly) someone on one of the boards said to me to remember that the addict always wants it to be the last time, too. Tomorrow I'll be better...I can do it after just this last one...I'll take the UA next week, I can definitely stay clean until then...
At first I saw the truth in that, but later I also saw the opportunity for it to become a manipulation...build that hope up and buy a little time...and a little more...you already know what happens when boundaries are permeable and not really certain...give'em an inch and...
You'll know when enough is enough...each in his or her own time. We fear the price they'll have to pay...but they will have to pay up one way or the other.
Tim, my husband sounds a lot like Lisa's, but I can't speak for her. My guy looks laid back to the outside world and even talks the talk...it was always me that took action, that made decisions about R, (he had a voice, of course, but I had to initiate everything), and always got to be both the mother confessor AND the bad guy at the same time. When it finally came to me - the control freak - being ready to let go, I said that we had to show a little faith that she could deal with her addiction on her own...he flat-out said he had no such faith and couldn't bear to do it. It shocked me...I thought he was such a cool customer. No, not exactly laid back...but that's just my husband.
This parenting business sucks sometimes...d a m n hard...too d a m n hard...
Poopie, your so sweet, I'm sure right about now she'd let you have him.
That was beautiful August.
I don't know what will happen if he doesn't pass. I'm taking this one day at a time and will cross that bridge when I get there...
Why in the world would I tell you to FO, Tim? Silly. My husband has left much of this to me. I think he thinks I'm the "expert". He has agreed to take alot of it over but I haven't seen or heard him do much. I'm afraid that this will hurt our marriage. He does seem laid back, but isn't. It's killing him as well, I just don't think he's as verbal as I am. I know he's hurting though.
Everything in me tells me that he has to leave.
Yes, Poopie darlin. You can have him.
I don't know what will happen if he doesn't pass. I'm taking this one day at a time and will cross that bridge when I get there...
Why in the world would I tell you to FO, Tim? Silly. My husband has left much of this to me. I think he thinks I'm the "expert". He has agreed to take alot of it over but I haven't seen or heard him do much. I'm afraid that this will hurt our marriage. He does seem laid back, but isn't. It's killing him as well, I just don't think he's as verbal as I am. I know he's hurting though.
Everything in me tells me that he has to leave.
Yes, Poopie darlin. You can have him.
Dear Cowgirl...popped into this post by accident but thought if you wouldnt mind, I would offer my two cents...I went into the military when I had no where else to go and I swear it probably saved my miserable life back then...I was 23...strung out...no place to go, had gotten arrested 3 times...basic training was total hell ...but it was worth it...I learned so much...and there is an AA and a NA in the military...there is help if you go there before you pop up positive on a UA and say you've got a problem...I didnt turn into a responsible total upstanding citzen over night, took many years...and i wasnt a perfect soldier...had my share of run in's...but Im for it...it really IS a chance to start over in a lot of ways...and it really does help you in the self esteem and self confidence areas...just my 2 cents today...I put in 8 years as a soldier and then got out...I've relapsed a few times since then, wont lie, but I have had something to pick myself up for...I met my spouse overseas too...wouldnt have met her if I hadnt gone...I thank the military for teaching me a skill; I did things i never thought I could do in the military...surprised myself in a lot of ways...theres a sense of pride that goes with that...it all takes time, like anything...but i say...go...hard descion I know with Iraq and everything going on...I was in the first time we went to Iraq and for the fall of the wall...each generation has its own thing...keeping you all in my thoughts...
Con
Con
Con, The military has changed alot of their views on drug use over the past few years. In order for Lisa's son to get the help he needs in the military is to admit before he enlists that he has a drug problem and see if they are willing to take that on. Remember on his enlistment papers they ask a question about prior drug use. If he checks off no prior drug use he just can't raise his hand one day and say hey I need to go to N/A. They will say but you checked off no prior drug use or treatment for drug use on your enlistment papers and they could get him for fradulant enlistment. Or he could lie which I wouldn't recommend and say that he became addicted to drugs while enlisted and that could bring on an internal investigation and don't see that turning out to well. Or like you said he could pop positive on a UA which I wouldn't recommend either and let his commanding officer decide wheather to give him a second chance and get him help or give him an other than discharge. Just my two cents. Shantel
Shantell, am I correct that a dishonorable discharge has hangs over a person's head in a manner similar to a criminal conviction?
Seems like this kid is leading with his chin if he thinks the military is going to do for him what he clearly is unable to do for himself.
Mom n More, great post.
August
Seems like this kid is leading with his chin if he thinks the military is going to do for him what he clearly is unable to do for himself.
Mom n More, great post.
August
Lisa, You asked me if I could throw my kid out for addiction, I have given it a lot of thought, and I still do not know. That's something I would have to live with in order to know how I would react, and I pray I never do.
Knowing what I know about the disease, though, I have to say that all of these addicts can't be wrong. It is going to take Jake hitting bottom, and he will never do that as long as he is living in your house.
Let's just hope he gets in, and the military life can help him. I know it's all he has left.If he doesn't get in, and continutes to use, you have got to make the tough decisions, regardless how much it hurts.
Let's just take it one day at a time and see how this all unfolds. In the meanwhile, I hate that you feel like a prisoner in your own home. Tell him to take his high to his room, or somewhere else out of your face. Seriously, I wouldn't allow him to flaunt his high in front of me knowing that each word he gets out is pouring more salt on the wound his has put on your heart. Just MHO.
talk soon, love, Carol
Morning August, If he goes in still using and gets caught his first offense he might walk away with just a slap on the hand and be sent to a military drug course for a few weeks if during that time they think he is a good candidate for rehab they will send him to rehab and let him remain in the service. If they decide not to do that and just kick him out more than likely he will get what they call an other than honorable discharge. He will carry that with him where ever he goes and it could hurt his chances for future job employment etc. but he would likely be given a second chance. If they give him a dishonorable discharge that basically is what you said almost like carrying around a criminal record for the rest of your life. I'm just throwing this information out there for Lisa from what I know from my husband who has been in the Navy for over 20 years and just finished up his last tour as an asst. legal officer. He dealt with this stuff day in and day out. You would be amazed how rampant drug use is in the military. The different branches have different policies on drug use.The Navy being zero tolerance meaning first offense you are out which I totally agree with and the Army being a little more laid back. Do I think Jake joining the Army with what is going on with him is a good decision no but I'm not the one that has to make that decision. My hope for him would be to get into a good recovery program and have some clean time under his belt before he enlists. The Army is not going anywhere and will always be there in the future but can we say the same for Jake if he continues abusing drugs. Shantel
