Yep Dee. I have just cried my eyes out again.
Her dad took her to the airport to go to this 45 day program in Southern FL. I refused to go. Pick a reason. I didn't support the decision; she couldn't spend 5 minutes with me today even tho I asked her many many times; she sold her laptop; I feel like boo boo the fool for running down there when all she has done is kick me in the teeth. I didn't give her a dime. I couldn't even kiss her good bye or say good luck. My heart hurts.
She keeps saying that this is HER recovery. She's gotta do what she thinks is best. She talked with our cuz and discussed her plan: 45 days in patient in FL and then immediately relocate to PA to do IOP/sober living and go back to college. I made many calls to find an alternative to FL. Funny thing, I can find short term rehabs within my 6 hour car ride limit. But every place that I asked for a referral for 30+ days, said try FL or CA; these are the only places that offer long term care.
I know I can't go on this way. I've dropped 6 pounds this week, went through a bottle of vodka while in FL myself and i never got a buzz; don't sleep well, and am on edge (I can go from zip to Crazy in 0.5 seconds). I'm probably going to cry for the rest of tonight. I'll try not to cry on the way to work tomorrow morning; I am vain; don't want to mess up my makeup. LOL. But I'm scheduling a good boo hoo for right after work.
I'll continue to pray for her bc that's all I can and will do for her now. Con, your news has been the only bright spot in my day!!!
Lynn,
Oiy, where to begin...you've had a rough month it seems!!
My girls put off making phone calls too. But yours is playing it to the hilt! You gave her the list. She has to pick off that list. I know it's hard to enforce the rules, but if you don't she will walk ll over you. And I suspect the bf is somewhere lurking in this whole scenario. I mean, why Florida again? She said she wanted to go home. That was the agreement.
Seems like she's trying to wriggle out of the whole thing till it fits the way she wants it to.
As for the tug of war over the purse with hubby, my daughter & I went there over a basket of make-up etc, I bought. Not proud of that, but it happened. We're human, not perfect by any means, myself included And with all this pressure & stress, s*** happens & things gets said.
She pawned her lap top to buy her plane ticket (?). I thought the rehab was providing her with a plane ticket (?). Then the thing with the finder's fee is fishy too. She was reluctant to tell you the name of the rehab (?). Why? Gosh, you've got to be going nuts, & questioning everything.I would be.
Don't fall for the guilt trip. You've been a very good mother! You've done everything you can & then some.
You were too good sending Prince Charming to his mom's. Hope he stays there.
Will be thinking of you.
love & God bless,
Dee
Oiy, where to begin...you've had a rough month it seems!!
My girls put off making phone calls too. But yours is playing it to the hilt! You gave her the list. She has to pick off that list. I know it's hard to enforce the rules, but if you don't she will walk ll over you. And I suspect the bf is somewhere lurking in this whole scenario. I mean, why Florida again? She said she wanted to go home. That was the agreement.
Seems like she's trying to wriggle out of the whole thing till it fits the way she wants it to.
As for the tug of war over the purse with hubby, my daughter & I went there over a basket of make-up etc, I bought. Not proud of that, but it happened. We're human, not perfect by any means, myself included And with all this pressure & stress, s*** happens & things gets said.
She pawned her lap top to buy her plane ticket (?). I thought the rehab was providing her with a plane ticket (?). Then the thing with the finder's fee is fishy too. She was reluctant to tell you the name of the rehab (?). Why? Gosh, you've got to be going nuts, & questioning everything.I would be.
Don't fall for the guilt trip. You've been a very good mother! You've done everything you can & then some.
You were too good sending Prince Charming to his mom's. Hope he stays there.
Will be thinking of you.
love & God bless,
Dee
Lynn,
Just posted & saw you just did too.
Well, I guess you can find some comfort in that she will be in a rehab place & then in IOP (What is that?) afterwords. I haven't had my daughter go to one yet. She lives with her scum bag bf.
Wish I could give you a hug. I hope you get to have a much deserved cry. You are so strong Lynn. It's amazing you haven't fallen apart up until this time. You're still standing. Remember what doesn't kill ya, makes you stronger.
I can only begin to imagine how torn you felt between saying goodbye & telling her how disappointed you were that she didn't stay closer. I know you must have felt like you were gonna fall apart right there & then. I'm sorry she didn't connect with you more. You deserved it for all the hell she's put you through. I'm so sorry.
Will keep praying for you, Lynn.
You are in my thoughts also....
Take care of yourself. Eat and sleep. Remember the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Have a good night.
Love & God bless you,
Dee
Just posted & saw you just did too.
Well, I guess you can find some comfort in that she will be in a rehab place & then in IOP (What is that?) afterwords. I haven't had my daughter go to one yet. She lives with her scum bag bf.
Wish I could give you a hug. I hope you get to have a much deserved cry. You are so strong Lynn. It's amazing you haven't fallen apart up until this time. You're still standing. Remember what doesn't kill ya, makes you stronger.
I can only begin to imagine how torn you felt between saying goodbye & telling her how disappointed you were that she didn't stay closer. I know you must have felt like you were gonna fall apart right there & then. I'm sorry she didn't connect with you more. You deserved it for all the hell she's put you through. I'm so sorry.
Will keep praying for you, Lynn.
You are in my thoughts also....
Take care of yourself. Eat and sleep. Remember the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Have a good night.
Love & God bless you,
Dee
Hurting Mom,
I am sorry you are going through this. I've been there so many times and each time it doesn't get easier. My son hooked up with a girl who is a druggie. I almost got close to getting him to go to rehab himself. But it was false alarm again. He doesn't believe he has a problem. Recently I read a post about his so called wife that she was arrested and it was for embarrassing thing. Hooking probably as my son is wanted and they need drugs. He kept saying mom she only uses pot. Really?
But it's been almost three months, is he alive I don't know. Only thing I know if he does OD they will contact his younger brother first and then me. My son didn't want me to deal with him anymore.
His dad is not or never help with him when the drug use started at 15. He is now 35 and I don't know if he will ever hit that 'bottom' I thought for sure he would of hit it so many times.
Carry on with your life. Tuck your daughter and your memories deep down because right now that is what you have. As cruel as it once the drugs grab ahold of them it's almost impossible to pull them back. Co is right the addict has to hit their bottom and I am afraid my son's bottom will be death.
I like the story you told Rich I wish I had that advise early days instead of fighting the war and my son's addiction. I wish I walked away and let him fall so hard that he maybe wanted to quit when it was easier. Now his life is tattoos/drugs/selling/stealing/jail. Living on streets, lies that can convince a sailor to give up his boat.
Stay the faith, save yourself because there is nothing you can change. Love them from afar, and pray that they find it within themselves.
xxx
Sue
I am sorry you are going through this. I've been there so many times and each time it doesn't get easier. My son hooked up with a girl who is a druggie. I almost got close to getting him to go to rehab himself. But it was false alarm again. He doesn't believe he has a problem. Recently I read a post about his so called wife that she was arrested and it was for embarrassing thing. Hooking probably as my son is wanted and they need drugs. He kept saying mom she only uses pot. Really?
But it's been almost three months, is he alive I don't know. Only thing I know if he does OD they will contact his younger brother first and then me. My son didn't want me to deal with him anymore.
His dad is not or never help with him when the drug use started at 15. He is now 35 and I don't know if he will ever hit that 'bottom' I thought for sure he would of hit it so many times.
Carry on with your life. Tuck your daughter and your memories deep down because right now that is what you have. As cruel as it once the drugs grab ahold of them it's almost impossible to pull them back. Co is right the addict has to hit their bottom and I am afraid my son's bottom will be death.
I like the story you told Rich I wish I had that advise early days instead of fighting the war and my son's addiction. I wish I walked away and let him fall so hard that he maybe wanted to quit when it was easier. Now his life is tattoos/drugs/selling/stealing/jail. Living on streets, lies that can convince a sailor to give up his boat.
Stay the faith, save yourself because there is nothing you can change. Love them from afar, and pray that they find it within themselves.
xxx
Sue
Hi Lynn,
A few points I would like to say. I agree w Con. You need to make the rules. Stop letting the tail wag the dog! When ever you feel that happening, take a step back and re-think the situation.
I know it is hard. my husband and I finally got to a good spot with our son. At this point he may or may not be using, but he is working, paying his rent and eating. he has no transportation - which is fine. cost to walk on your feet is zero. He needs to start a zero and gain things as he is ready to.
The best part is that we are not paying. If he cant pay for it, he does not have it. He is renting a room, no cable tv, no internet. no wifi. We do pay for his phone. I do like to have the connection, to be able to reach him.
As far as your daughter - do not drop insurance. That will create a very big mess. I know your angry and want to lash out.
do not cancel the phone at this time. with verizon we were able to suspend the phone. And not pay the monthly charge for a few months. when we wanted it back on, after son was out of rehab, we turned it back on.
45 days is 45 days. Inpatient rehab. it does not matter where it is. so put that complaint aside.
you have 45 days to think of a plan.
I hope she is at a rehab that is women only.
I would not say my son is a success story yet, but the rehab he went to helped to sever the enabling. make him speak for himself and do for himself. Gave him the tools to learn life skills. and to make him accountable. It got us off the hook, and gave us the encouragement that he needs to walk on his own feet. Us helping is not helping.
Therefore, when the 45 days is up, your daughter needs to stick to the plan. If she leaves at any time, you do not send money - tell her to go back to the rehab - they will help her.
It is such a sticky spot. Adult Children !
OK - gotta go! Take a few deep breaths, dry your eyes and pick yourself up.
She will be OK if she works at a program. and if she has support to be sober, one step at a time.
Yes it does hurt. and it hurts to see them start over with nothing, and it takes so long for them to make progress. but - we have all done it for them.... it did not help.
A few points I would like to say. I agree w Con. You need to make the rules. Stop letting the tail wag the dog! When ever you feel that happening, take a step back and re-think the situation.
I know it is hard. my husband and I finally got to a good spot with our son. At this point he may or may not be using, but he is working, paying his rent and eating. he has no transportation - which is fine. cost to walk on your feet is zero. He needs to start a zero and gain things as he is ready to.
The best part is that we are not paying. If he cant pay for it, he does not have it. He is renting a room, no cable tv, no internet. no wifi. We do pay for his phone. I do like to have the connection, to be able to reach him.
As far as your daughter - do not drop insurance. That will create a very big mess. I know your angry and want to lash out.
do not cancel the phone at this time. with verizon we were able to suspend the phone. And not pay the monthly charge for a few months. when we wanted it back on, after son was out of rehab, we turned it back on.
45 days is 45 days. Inpatient rehab. it does not matter where it is. so put that complaint aside.
you have 45 days to think of a plan.
I hope she is at a rehab that is women only.
I would not say my son is a success story yet, but the rehab he went to helped to sever the enabling. make him speak for himself and do for himself. Gave him the tools to learn life skills. and to make him accountable. It got us off the hook, and gave us the encouragement that he needs to walk on his own feet. Us helping is not helping.
Therefore, when the 45 days is up, your daughter needs to stick to the plan. If she leaves at any time, you do not send money - tell her to go back to the rehab - they will help her.
It is such a sticky spot. Adult Children !
OK - gotta go! Take a few deep breaths, dry your eyes and pick yourself up.
She will be OK if she works at a program. and if she has support to be sober, one step at a time.
Yes it does hurt. and it hurts to see them start over with nothing, and it takes so long for them to make progress. but - we have all done it for them.... it did not help.
Hurting mom,
Your story is the same of mine, force rehab, threats, you name it we have done it. TO know avail. She will make her choice and even if you did get her to rehab of your choice she won't stay. She will find another bf. It's a vicious cycle. Until your daughter is ready truly ready there is nothing you can do. My son is now missing he started using at 15 and spiral totally out of control by 27.
I wish you luck all I can say is stay the course don't give in, don't let her manipulate you. DON"T believe a word that she says, because honestly she doesn't think she is lying she can't remember yesterday much less an hour ago what she told you.
Good luck it's going to be a long rollercoaster ride and this is a life time ride, once she gets clean it's staying clean that will be her toughest challenge. My son couldn't stay clean for more than 90 days.
Keeping you in my prayers..xxx
Sue
Your story is the same of mine, force rehab, threats, you name it we have done it. TO know avail. She will make her choice and even if you did get her to rehab of your choice she won't stay. She will find another bf. It's a vicious cycle. Until your daughter is ready truly ready there is nothing you can do. My son is now missing he started using at 15 and spiral totally out of control by 27.
I wish you luck all I can say is stay the course don't give in, don't let her manipulate you. DON"T believe a word that she says, because honestly she doesn't think she is lying she can't remember yesterday much less an hour ago what she told you.
Good luck it's going to be a long rollercoaster ride and this is a life time ride, once she gets clean it's staying clean that will be her toughest challenge. My son couldn't stay clean for more than 90 days.
Keeping you in my prayers..xxx
Sue
I agree with the previous post:
Envision what you want YOUR life to look like. Start conforming to that.
It is true they do not know they are lying or dont care, or its a game.
Tell yourself and your daughter and the drugs - that you are not playing that GAME any more.
It is your life and your game. you make up the rules.
I tend to stick to the $$ - if it cost me $$ I will not do it. So - no car, insurance, he pays rent, etc. a few time we gave $20 for food. this is since Jan 1st. We do pay for phone. he has no tv, cable or wifi.
When I was going to nar anon, I looked around the table. Greatful that I had this place to go and share the heartache with others. I wondered - what do other people do who are not here at this table? Then I realized what the other parents do --- They kick the kid out and give them nothing at the first sign of trouble. The parents not at the table have more guts than us. We are the weak enablers. the compassionate. the do'ers.
Get some guts - dont be mean - stand up for your self. your space, your money. It is black and white. it is simple.
I used to be afraid to tell the kids no. to not pay a bill or help with car or whatever.
4 months ago I had to tell my son no - I would not give him $175 to pay rent. It was his choice, his move, he needed to pay the rent. He said OK and hung up. I was relieved and happy I did not give in. and HE survived HE figured it out. next time, he knows I am not a back up cash machine.
They still ask, but we can say no. and they are OK. This is what they need to learn.
At this point - it is all about MONEY.
MONEY is the hardest part after they are clean. They cant have too much and they cant have too little.
Envision what you want YOUR life to look like. Start conforming to that.
It is true they do not know they are lying or dont care, or its a game.
Tell yourself and your daughter and the drugs - that you are not playing that GAME any more.
It is your life and your game. you make up the rules.
I tend to stick to the $$ - if it cost me $$ I will not do it. So - no car, insurance, he pays rent, etc. a few time we gave $20 for food. this is since Jan 1st. We do pay for phone. he has no tv, cable or wifi.
When I was going to nar anon, I looked around the table. Greatful that I had this place to go and share the heartache with others. I wondered - what do other people do who are not here at this table? Then I realized what the other parents do --- They kick the kid out and give them nothing at the first sign of trouble. The parents not at the table have more guts than us. We are the weak enablers. the compassionate. the do'ers.
Get some guts - dont be mean - stand up for your self. your space, your money. It is black and white. it is simple.
I used to be afraid to tell the kids no. to not pay a bill or help with car or whatever.
4 months ago I had to tell my son no - I would not give him $175 to pay rent. It was his choice, his move, he needed to pay the rent. He said OK and hung up. I was relieved and happy I did not give in. and HE survived HE figured it out. next time, he knows I am not a back up cash machine.
They still ask, but we can say no. and they are OK. This is what they need to learn.
At this point - it is all about MONEY.
MONEY is the hardest part after they are clean. They cant have too much and they cant have too little.
Im wondering if YOU'VE hit YOUR rock bottom yet? Have you tried an NA meeting?
Thanks for the all the insight and kind words.
I am still a mess. Crying and hibernating. Letting her go to FL was symbolic. I had to let her go, without my blessings,for her to find her path & to separate from me. I'm crying bc I am grieving. I am saying goodbye to all of my hopes and dreams for her: of going to a college graduation in the next year or two; of helping her select and decorate her first apartment; of having normal conversations with her; of believing anything she has to say. I am finally mourning the death of the wonderful pre-addict young lady I was proud of calling daughter. That person no longer exists.
I am crying bc I want to send her a card or write a letter so badly. I want to tell her how much I love her and how worried I am. I want to provide her encouragement. And, I don't want her to feel abandoned so that she goes running back to Mr. Unemployed & Unemployable. She texted me upon her arrival that she got there & she loves me. And she called her dad. She didn't share what the program entails but I assume that there is a black-out period in the beginning so she can't reach out to me again for a while. I'm crying bc I don't know. And, I'm crying bc I know that I should not make the first move. I have to wait for her.
Have I hit MY bottom?? I know that I have nothing left to give her. I'm emotionally bankrupt right now. I know that my heart is tired of hurting. And I know that I can't go on like this. I am going to take this weekend and cry. I deserve it. I'm also praying for me, her & hubby. And I keep repeating that passage from Romans 8:28-- we know that all things work together for good to them that love God. If nothing else, I still have faith. It may only be the size of a mustard seed today but I'm trying to let go and let God.
Yes, Dee, I am strong. Sometimes too strong for my own damn good. I'm not strong today. I don't plan on being strong tomorrow, either. I'll be strong again on monday. I will start to focus on me and nursing my wounds so that I can go forward. I will adjust to my new reality of not helping one iota. And letting go. I've done everything I can (and then some). I looked at Naranon meetings. There is one at 7.30 tonight about 30 miles from here. I may go. But I'm much better at writing my feelings and thoughts than speaking them.
Thank you all -- Dee, Con, Mary, Papa, NY, Sue, jmom, Rich and everyone who posted or prayed. You guys don't know how you have helped me get through. Sending a huge cyber hug to each of you.
Peace & blessings,
Lynn xxoo
I am still a mess. Crying and hibernating. Letting her go to FL was symbolic. I had to let her go, without my blessings,for her to find her path & to separate from me. I'm crying bc I am grieving. I am saying goodbye to all of my hopes and dreams for her: of going to a college graduation in the next year or two; of helping her select and decorate her first apartment; of having normal conversations with her; of believing anything she has to say. I am finally mourning the death of the wonderful pre-addict young lady I was proud of calling daughter. That person no longer exists.
I am crying bc I want to send her a card or write a letter so badly. I want to tell her how much I love her and how worried I am. I want to provide her encouragement. And, I don't want her to feel abandoned so that she goes running back to Mr. Unemployed & Unemployable. She texted me upon her arrival that she got there & she loves me. And she called her dad. She didn't share what the program entails but I assume that there is a black-out period in the beginning so she can't reach out to me again for a while. I'm crying bc I don't know. And, I'm crying bc I know that I should not make the first move. I have to wait for her.
Have I hit MY bottom?? I know that I have nothing left to give her. I'm emotionally bankrupt right now. I know that my heart is tired of hurting. And I know that I can't go on like this. I am going to take this weekend and cry. I deserve it. I'm also praying for me, her & hubby. And I keep repeating that passage from Romans 8:28-- we know that all things work together for good to them that love God. If nothing else, I still have faith. It may only be the size of a mustard seed today but I'm trying to let go and let God.
Yes, Dee, I am strong. Sometimes too strong for my own damn good. I'm not strong today. I don't plan on being strong tomorrow, either. I'll be strong again on monday. I will start to focus on me and nursing my wounds so that I can go forward. I will adjust to my new reality of not helping one iota. And letting go. I've done everything I can (and then some). I looked at Naranon meetings. There is one at 7.30 tonight about 30 miles from here. I may go. But I'm much better at writing my feelings and thoughts than speaking them.
Thank you all -- Dee, Con, Mary, Papa, NY, Sue, jmom, Rich and everyone who posted or prayed. You guys don't know how you have helped me get through. Sending a huge cyber hug to each of you.
Peace & blessings,
Lynn xxoo
Lynn,
Glad you're taking time to grieve. It's an awful feeling, letting go of the plans & the future, knowing they can maybe never get it back, possibly screw it up worse & not care at all.
They can hurt us & not care or even realize it.
I have no doubt we'll both survive, but giving ourselves permission to mourn, is a huge step for US. I'll be praying for you...I continue to do that.
I hope she does well at this new place & you hear from her soon.
Also I'll pray Prince pain in the butt, stays away & disengaged....hopefully for good!
At least for the time being, you know she's safe & being taken care of. So maybe you can relax your worrying for a little while.
Will be thinking of you, I always do.
Take care.
love & God bless you,
Dee
Glad you're taking time to grieve. It's an awful feeling, letting go of the plans & the future, knowing they can maybe never get it back, possibly screw it up worse & not care at all.
They can hurt us & not care or even realize it.
I have no doubt we'll both survive, but giving ourselves permission to mourn, is a huge step for US. I'll be praying for you...I continue to do that.
I hope she does well at this new place & you hear from her soon.
Also I'll pray Prince pain in the butt, stays away & disengaged....hopefully for good!
At least for the time being, you know she's safe & being taken care of. So maybe you can relax your worrying for a little while.
Will be thinking of you, I always do.
Take care.
love & God bless you,
Dee
Lynn,
Here is my cyber hug and once you get past the grieving it does get easier. You get stronger are able to say no easier and listen with your head and not your heart. You have to get strong for you, for the life you deserve. Your baby will always be your baby.
I miss my giggly son and what he could of accomplished is beyond describing. Drugs have no stigma on race/sex or background. They take our children and turn them into something we don't recognize.
I cried for years and panic when I didn't hear from him. I miss him but I don't miss the drama, the begging,crying.
You will be ok I promise, I am ok, sad now and then and my husband hugs me without saying a word.
I am hoping and praying your daughter can do this, one of our children make it out of that world.
Love to you and cry you will feel better.
Sue xxx
Here is my cyber hug and once you get past the grieving it does get easier. You get stronger are able to say no easier and listen with your head and not your heart. You have to get strong for you, for the life you deserve. Your baby will always be your baby.
I miss my giggly son and what he could of accomplished is beyond describing. Drugs have no stigma on race/sex or background. They take our children and turn them into something we don't recognize.
I cried for years and panic when I didn't hear from him. I miss him but I don't miss the drama, the begging,crying.
You will be ok I promise, I am ok, sad now and then and my husband hugs me without saying a word.
I am hoping and praying your daughter can do this, one of our children make it out of that world.
Love to you and cry you will feel better.
Sue xxx
Hello Everyone,
Grief. Yes, it is a sadness like grief. Grieving for what could have been. Grieving for the pain they put themselves through. Sad for the expectations we had for our children. For the present time they are put aside. Grieving for letting go. Knowing that at some point they might be gone forever. Hoping there will be a good ending to the story. Maybe in 3 years, or 5 or 10.
I have thought that I would rather have my child alive, happy and clean, even if they did not ever want to talk to me again because I didnt give $$ any more. but that is not what happens to most (i think) most who get better love their parents just the same. I dont think they want to give us this heart ache. They just cant do it any different right now.
My son is doing OK. We are past the crisis stage. He is holding his own, but idk if he is completely clean. So we just hope and continue getting up everyday and going to work and coming home. If things fall apart we will know. otherwise, no news is good news. It will be best for him when he gets out the other side of this. he knows this too.
So... after you are done grieving, clean up the loose ends at home. Some day your daughter will want you back in her life. And you need to be recovered and rested and have your ducks in order. This is temporary. She has to feel that she is making choices for herself. not that you are making them.
I suggest you let the cousin be a middle person. Let her talk to that person, not to you and your husband. Of course discuss things that need to be discussed. It is good to have an unbiased person in the middle. for the person to let you know that she's ok, even if you are not talking to her.
Remember - People - Places - Things ----
Parents and Home are included in that statement.
Everything in the home and every word, look, tone in your voice is a trigger to your addict.
Nobody wants it that way. they dont either. It is just the way it is.
Good Luck!
Grief. Yes, it is a sadness like grief. Grieving for what could have been. Grieving for the pain they put themselves through. Sad for the expectations we had for our children. For the present time they are put aside. Grieving for letting go. Knowing that at some point they might be gone forever. Hoping there will be a good ending to the story. Maybe in 3 years, or 5 or 10.
I have thought that I would rather have my child alive, happy and clean, even if they did not ever want to talk to me again because I didnt give $$ any more. but that is not what happens to most (i think) most who get better love their parents just the same. I dont think they want to give us this heart ache. They just cant do it any different right now.
My son is doing OK. We are past the crisis stage. He is holding his own, but idk if he is completely clean. So we just hope and continue getting up everyday and going to work and coming home. If things fall apart we will know. otherwise, no news is good news. It will be best for him when he gets out the other side of this. he knows this too.
So... after you are done grieving, clean up the loose ends at home. Some day your daughter will want you back in her life. And you need to be recovered and rested and have your ducks in order. This is temporary. She has to feel that she is making choices for herself. not that you are making them.
I suggest you let the cousin be a middle person. Let her talk to that person, not to you and your husband. Of course discuss things that need to be discussed. It is good to have an unbiased person in the middle. for the person to let you know that she's ok, even if you are not talking to her.
Remember - People - Places - Things ----
Parents and Home are included in that statement.
Everything in the home and every word, look, tone in your voice is a trigger to your addict.
Nobody wants it that way. they dont either. It is just the way it is.
Good Luck!
"They just cant do it any different right now"...that is the most honest statement of truth I have ever heard....
Thanks, Con. Yeah, that's what I concluded. My son Does want us to be happy, and happy for him, and not sad and not crying. And "he knows what has to be done"
Yet, the actions just don't click for some as well as they do for others.
When my son was using, he was not capable of dealing with the court house and traffic tickets.
Last year there was a few months he was clean. he was getting one last ticket off his back. days before I reminded him of the date, and bring copies of whatever papers he needs, etc. He called me when he left the court house - it was the easiest thing he had done! Of course it was, he was thinking clearly and he was prepared.
When ever I feel like giving up, I just can't. I'm too optimistic.
Yet, the actions just don't click for some as well as they do for others.
When my son was using, he was not capable of dealing with the court house and traffic tickets.
Last year there was a few months he was clean. he was getting one last ticket off his back. days before I reminded him of the date, and bring copies of whatever papers he needs, etc. He called me when he left the court house - it was the easiest thing he had done! Of course it was, he was thinking clearly and he was prepared.
When ever I feel like giving up, I just can't. I'm too optimistic.
Lynn,
Any word from your daughter?
Any word from your daughter?
Hey Rich-
My daughter texted me upon her arrival on Tuesday. She called my hubby that same night but he was asleep, emotionally exhausted from all that has occurred. She left him a message. She said she arrived and she loved us! I haven't heard from her since. She is on Day 6 of 45 for inpatient rehab. I assumed that the reason I haven't heard is that she is going through some type of black-out period. That brought some comfort. She wasn't contacting me bc she couldn't. Her FB has had no posts since Tuesday and there is no activity on her cell phone. No news was good news, I figured.
Then. . .I heard from Prince Charming. She contacted him on Friday. His command of the English language is so "masterful" (and he's American, born in the US & graduated high school) that he didn't elaborate. I did learn that she asked for cigarettes, which he mailed. So I guess she has some phone privileges. It hurt me that she didn't think to contact her mama.
My cuz is working with him to get insurance and get him into a program. So, I'm hopeful that my daughter's return to FL was for the RIGHT reasons. I'll feel better when she gets to Day 15 and is still in her inpatient program.
I keep telling myself that. I'll feel better when SHE gets to Day 15. I'll feel better when SHE successfully completes this program. I'll feel better when SHE has a job and can pay her own way. I'll feel better when SHE permanently breaks up with that boy. I see that my feelings are so tied to her. . .something/someone totally out of my control. It IS time to start to think about me and my life, as NY suggested quite some time ago. I keep reminding myself that I only have control over me!
I am sad beyond compare for a whole host of reasons still. I'm in a funk. I laid on the sofa all day yesterday. I started out watching Snapped, Wives with Knifes, SVU, and Terminator2. I switched to Hoarders when I noticed a dust bunny waving at me but ended up watching some crazy show about gypsy weddings in America. I was trying to get out of my head. I've never before thought of myself as having ESP or anything. But I had a feeling in early June that she would OD before her 21st bday. She did. I now have a feeling that she won't make it till November. (If only I had feelings about Powerball. ;-) I want to stop crying but I want to get all the tears out. People told me last week at work that I look sad and stressed. I want to stop worrying: will she be in the lucky 20% to get and stay clean and sober? Does SHE want sobriety enough to fight for it and fight to maintain it? I'm already thinking 46 days ahead: how will she support herself once she is released? Where will she live? (The 48 hours she was home proved that that is NOT an option.) Will she go back to lover boy? I want to fill the empty void left in my heart and soul by my pre-addict daughter's exit. I'm trying to nurse the wounds while dressing them and at the same time wishing they will heal quickly. I really want to be out of my funk by Monday-- in less than 24 hours== so that I can face the world strong and in control. I'm planning to put that S on my chest (in Alicia Keys' voice) come hell or high water in the morning.
Sorry. . .I'm rambling. I guess she is okay. Maybe I'll try to call the place. Maybe she authorized them to talk to me. Maybe I can get some details on the program, in general. Or, maybe I should just chill and wait for her to contact me? Hmmmmmm. . .
Hugs to all,
Lynn
My daughter texted me upon her arrival on Tuesday. She called my hubby that same night but he was asleep, emotionally exhausted from all that has occurred. She left him a message. She said she arrived and she loved us! I haven't heard from her since. She is on Day 6 of 45 for inpatient rehab. I assumed that the reason I haven't heard is that she is going through some type of black-out period. That brought some comfort. She wasn't contacting me bc she couldn't. Her FB has had no posts since Tuesday and there is no activity on her cell phone. No news was good news, I figured.
Then. . .I heard from Prince Charming. She contacted him on Friday. His command of the English language is so "masterful" (and he's American, born in the US & graduated high school) that he didn't elaborate. I did learn that she asked for cigarettes, which he mailed. So I guess she has some phone privileges. It hurt me that she didn't think to contact her mama.
My cuz is working with him to get insurance and get him into a program. So, I'm hopeful that my daughter's return to FL was for the RIGHT reasons. I'll feel better when she gets to Day 15 and is still in her inpatient program.
I keep telling myself that. I'll feel better when SHE gets to Day 15. I'll feel better when SHE successfully completes this program. I'll feel better when SHE has a job and can pay her own way. I'll feel better when SHE permanently breaks up with that boy. I see that my feelings are so tied to her. . .something/someone totally out of my control. It IS time to start to think about me and my life, as NY suggested quite some time ago. I keep reminding myself that I only have control over me!
I am sad beyond compare for a whole host of reasons still. I'm in a funk. I laid on the sofa all day yesterday. I started out watching Snapped, Wives with Knifes, SVU, and Terminator2. I switched to Hoarders when I noticed a dust bunny waving at me but ended up watching some crazy show about gypsy weddings in America. I was trying to get out of my head. I've never before thought of myself as having ESP or anything. But I had a feeling in early June that she would OD before her 21st bday. She did. I now have a feeling that she won't make it till November. (If only I had feelings about Powerball. ;-) I want to stop crying but I want to get all the tears out. People told me last week at work that I look sad and stressed. I want to stop worrying: will she be in the lucky 20% to get and stay clean and sober? Does SHE want sobriety enough to fight for it and fight to maintain it? I'm already thinking 46 days ahead: how will she support herself once she is released? Where will she live? (The 48 hours she was home proved that that is NOT an option.) Will she go back to lover boy? I want to fill the empty void left in my heart and soul by my pre-addict daughter's exit. I'm trying to nurse the wounds while dressing them and at the same time wishing they will heal quickly. I really want to be out of my funk by Monday-- in less than 24 hours== so that I can face the world strong and in control. I'm planning to put that S on my chest (in Alicia Keys' voice) come hell or high water in the morning.
Sorry. . .I'm rambling. I guess she is okay. Maybe I'll try to call the place. Maybe she authorized them to talk to me. Maybe I can get some details on the program, in general. Or, maybe I should just chill and wait for her to contact me? Hmmmmmm. . .
Hugs to all,
Lynn
Dear Lynn,
I'm SO SORRY for the pain you're in. I can only imagine. She should have called you, before anybody. You've done SO MUCH for your daughter, & she seems to overlook that. Who knows why. Remember, Lynn they don't think or feel the same way as they did in the past. Small comfort, I'm sure. I'd most likely be feeling the same way you are.
At least you can console yourself, I hope on some level, that she's in the rehab. You can hope that goes well & she gains a new perspective on things, like how blessed she is to have you. You put your own heart out on the line, when others might have just thrown up their hands in disgust. You did everything right, even if she doesn't know it yet. Remember the Three C's.
As for Prince Charming, I hope he gets in a place & then goes off the grid. Got a feeling, you do too. :)
You gotta break the cycle of basing your happiness on her progress. I totally do understand. I'd love more than anything to have my daughter employed, doing well in a program, going to meetings, getting back on track with school....but realistically, I don't see it happening.
Now she tells me she was shooting H, at least 15 times, Ha! First off she told me only once. The lies never end . Probably been shooting a lot more than "15 times". She had told me she smoked it...then she only shot up once, someone did it for her (bf? likely). She's terrified of needles! Guess she got over that. Ha . Also told me she did Meth since she's been out of here with bf. ! I don't know which is worse, Meth or H...! I choose neither. Ha.
Truth is, you know everything could get better, stay the same or get worse. It's in her hands now. You've done everything you possibly could. Now the ball's in her court, and I know that sucks. It's HER journey but you've been there with her every step of the way.
It's understandable, your "funk". Don't beat yourself up about it. You deserve to express your feelings . Quite a variety of tv shows you watched. lol I agree moms have a certain sense about their kids. I had that a week ago. Turned out to be nothing in my case. If it was something, bf & her wouldn't tell me anyway.
Haven't talked to my kid since a couple days ago. It's fine. Truth be told, the day she was here I felt that same ol' knot in my stomach. Only three hours, but good enough. You shouldn't have your girl back home. I don't see it being an option here either.
The cutting destroys me. WTH? I'm curious how mine looks with her new make-up on. Maybe she'll grace me with that some day, or just a call to say "hi mom, I'm still alive." I won't hold my breath. I liked the route you took too, telling your daughter to "get busy" was most amusing!~ lol Short & to the point!
I'm thinking of ya, praying for ya every day too.
Hang in there sweets~....
love & God bless you,
Dee
I'm SO SORRY for the pain you're in. I can only imagine. She should have called you, before anybody. You've done SO MUCH for your daughter, & she seems to overlook that. Who knows why. Remember, Lynn they don't think or feel the same way as they did in the past. Small comfort, I'm sure. I'd most likely be feeling the same way you are.
At least you can console yourself, I hope on some level, that she's in the rehab. You can hope that goes well & she gains a new perspective on things, like how blessed she is to have you. You put your own heart out on the line, when others might have just thrown up their hands in disgust. You did everything right, even if she doesn't know it yet. Remember the Three C's.
As for Prince Charming, I hope he gets in a place & then goes off the grid. Got a feeling, you do too. :)
You gotta break the cycle of basing your happiness on her progress. I totally do understand. I'd love more than anything to have my daughter employed, doing well in a program, going to meetings, getting back on track with school....but realistically, I don't see it happening.
Now she tells me she was shooting H, at least 15 times, Ha! First off she told me only once. The lies never end . Probably been shooting a lot more than "15 times". She had told me she smoked it...then she only shot up once, someone did it for her (bf? likely). She's terrified of needles! Guess she got over that. Ha . Also told me she did Meth since she's been out of here with bf. ! I don't know which is worse, Meth or H...! I choose neither. Ha.
Truth is, you know everything could get better, stay the same or get worse. It's in her hands now. You've done everything you possibly could. Now the ball's in her court, and I know that sucks. It's HER journey but you've been there with her every step of the way.
It's understandable, your "funk". Don't beat yourself up about it. You deserve to express your feelings . Quite a variety of tv shows you watched. lol I agree moms have a certain sense about their kids. I had that a week ago. Turned out to be nothing in my case. If it was something, bf & her wouldn't tell me anyway.
Haven't talked to my kid since a couple days ago. It's fine. Truth be told, the day she was here I felt that same ol' knot in my stomach. Only three hours, but good enough. You shouldn't have your girl back home. I don't see it being an option here either.
The cutting destroys me. WTH? I'm curious how mine looks with her new make-up on. Maybe she'll grace me with that some day, or just a call to say "hi mom, I'm still alive." I won't hold my breath. I liked the route you took too, telling your daughter to "get busy" was most amusing!~ lol Short & to the point!
I'm thinking of ya, praying for ya every day too.
Hang in there sweets~....
love & God bless you,
Dee
Hi Girls,
I get so angry at myself when I have a pity party and wondering where he is, or hungry, sober, high alive or dead, my son doesn't give two hoots about what's going on in my life, whether I alive or dead. He doesn't think of his brothers or his father. He has this g/f and according to him she is the only that sticks with him and understands him. The only one that loves him. She is also an addict!
REALLY I said to him one day, good she can get you money then. Then the lies and manipulation starts..geeezzz...In my head I think here we go again!
I know that funk feeling, some days I wonder why do I care so much and why do I dwell on what of could of should of. Then I mentally slap myself and think I didn't do this, I tried to get him sober, I am the one that care not him.
So get out of that funk missy! :) time to live and hopefully one day she can contact you with great news that she did it she is fighting the drugs.
I have resigned myself that my son will die and it will be because of drugs or the effects of heavy drug abuse. I just want to be able to bury him. It doesn't make it easier to sleep at night but I get through the days much better letting go and not dwelling on it anymore.
Is it wrong of me to say that I am kinda of glad he doesn't call and then I feel guilty because I have a normal life now. I am just tired of it, tired of the life he leads, I wish he would get tired of it also.
Keep posting even rambling posting it helps me! :) you all have help me so much to be strong, I hope I have also been a little supportive.
Today my grandson called me on his new phone , that what I am focusing on my other children my grandchildren, and future grandchildren.
My grandson calls me silly grandma I want to be remember that I was fun, not sad!
I wasn't such a bad mom after all, must of done something right I've got two great sons and two great grandsons.
Just watch the movie 'Bad Mom' go watch it, such a great giggle.
Love to you all, stay the course, keep the faith xx
Sue
I get so angry at myself when I have a pity party and wondering where he is, or hungry, sober, high alive or dead, my son doesn't give two hoots about what's going on in my life, whether I alive or dead. He doesn't think of his brothers or his father. He has this g/f and according to him she is the only that sticks with him and understands him. The only one that loves him. She is also an addict!
REALLY I said to him one day, good she can get you money then. Then the lies and manipulation starts..geeezzz...In my head I think here we go again!
I know that funk feeling, some days I wonder why do I care so much and why do I dwell on what of could of should of. Then I mentally slap myself and think I didn't do this, I tried to get him sober, I am the one that care not him.
So get out of that funk missy! :) time to live and hopefully one day she can contact you with great news that she did it she is fighting the drugs.
I have resigned myself that my son will die and it will be because of drugs or the effects of heavy drug abuse. I just want to be able to bury him. It doesn't make it easier to sleep at night but I get through the days much better letting go and not dwelling on it anymore.
Is it wrong of me to say that I am kinda of glad he doesn't call and then I feel guilty because I have a normal life now. I am just tired of it, tired of the life he leads, I wish he would get tired of it also.
Keep posting even rambling posting it helps me! :) you all have help me so much to be strong, I hope I have also been a little supportive.
Today my grandson called me on his new phone , that what I am focusing on my other children my grandchildren, and future grandchildren.
My grandson calls me silly grandma I want to be remember that I was fun, not sad!
I wasn't such a bad mom after all, must of done something right I've got two great sons and two great grandsons.
Just watch the movie 'Bad Mom' go watch it, such a great giggle.
Love to you all, stay the course, keep the faith xx
Sue
Lynn,
Have you seen this post from a mom who's daughter lost the battle.
I read this like the bible. It helps me keep strong.
Recently someone asked me what I had done to help my daughter. The only thing I could think of was that I had finally stepped out of her way and let her help herself...allowed her to own her pain, and subsequently her joy. I found it was easier to think of those things I had done that had NOT helped her.
Here's my list (and it's a looong one) for what it's worth:
Things that DONT help
1) Anything we do for them that they CAN and SHOULD do for themselves.
Examples:
-Running interference with schools or employers
-Making excuses for them (He sick, shes depressed, she had a hard childhood, he has chronic pain, he really wants to be clean, he needs me, shes so youngfill it in with your favorite)
-Paying debts to ANYONEloans, dealers, bills
-Giving them money
-Calling hospitals, detoxes, rehabs, doctors
-Holding or doling out medications, especially risk-reduction meds like suboxone or methadone.
Being a whirlwind of activity helps us, not themit makes us feel like we are doing something when in actuality we are spinning our wheels. It relieves of us of some guilt we may be feeling about how this could happen in our family, because really, this is all about us (NOT).
2) Pretending that what we do is for them when it is really for us. This is a hard one to get past because in the beginning we are absolutely convinced that our motives are pure and unselfishwe want to helpwe MUST help. Upon closer examination however, we will discover that much of what we have done has been for us, to satisfy ourselves that we have done everything possible to stop this train, and to maintain the illusion that what we are doing is helpful
3) Watching.
The kind of vigilance some of us exercised in the beginning (and some still do) is painful to recall. Watching moods, checking phone bills and cell phones, counting pills, sitting with them watching movies or playing games to take their minds off things (as if!), asking 'polite' questions about their day or their feelings.
4) Monitoring meeting attendancethis one is a form of watching and is big: Did you get to a meeting today? You said you were going to a meeting. Do you need a ride to your meeting? Isnt this your meeting night? What step are you on? Do you have a sponsor? Here, I bought you a Big Book. How was your meeting? Did you like tonights meeting? Arrrrggggh!!!!
Even worse is going to meetings with them. If you need a meeting, get yourself to AlAnon. Going to NA/AA meetings with them is a form of voyeurism and an invasion of privacy. The last word in the name of ANY 12 step program is Anonymous. The same is true of finding an online recovery community and sharing that with themicky.
5) Keeping score.
Scorekeeping is part of watching. You said you were going do X or Y but you havent. I thought you were supposed to A or B, have you? I have done A,B, and C, but you have not done X,Y, or Z. Score keeping can also mean counting sober time.
6)Talking.
Try listening instead. Saying it louder, or saying it differently, or saying it more is all the sameeventually no one hears you. You will know when you are talked out because you will be as sick of the sound of your own voice as they are. Talking includes asking questions, lots and lots of questions.
7) Controlling.
You cant. Stop trying.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. (Dr. Irene Matiatos) This gets back to doing for them what they should do for themselves. See #1.
8) Guilting.
This is just one more way to make it about us. How could you do this? What are you thinking? (Believe me, you dont want to know.) Whats so hard about your life? Dont you care about ____? Watching you do this is killing me. You wouldnt if you loved me. (I cant really love you because I dont love myself.)
9) Picking up the pieces.
Allowing one to learn from ones mistakes is one of the greatest dignities we can offer. Viewing the wreckage of the past is necessary and vital to growth. Every time we indulge in #1, of which #9 is a part, we tell them that we do not believe in them, that we do not see them as capable, that we have no faith in their ability to do the right thing,that they cannot take care of themselves. We send a message of incompetence and powerlessness, and chances are good they already feel this way, so all we do is reinforce a lousy self-image.
10) Shrinking or Sponsoring
You are not your loved ones doctor, therapist, or sponsor. All of your so-called understanding is annoying and makes it about you again. Stop trying to get into her head...it is not someplace you should be. Everything you are learning about addiction is powerful if you use it to help YOU, but once you use to be disgustingly understanding or to try to 12-step your loved one, it becomes the tool of the devil. Instead ask yourself why you are so addicted to your addicted loved one...why it is so hard to tell where she begins and you end.
11) Having expectations.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. On the other hand, having low expectations leads to excuse-making (see #1).
12) NOT working on ourselves.
It sure is easy to look at the addict and believe that all would be right in our worlds (and more importantly in our interior lives) if only.
Instead, try looking at what you contribute to the dynamic. What is it in us that makes us need to project-manage them and their disease? What is the sickness in me that I feel that all positive outcomes hinge on what I do or say? Once again, it's all about me.
13) Seeing your situation as special or different.
This has a name in 12 step settings: terminal uniqueness. We are all terminally unique. In codependents this most often takes the form of Shes so wonderful, sweet, funnywhen shes not using. Yep, they are all terrific, sensitive souls when the drugs have not robbed them of that. Your addicted loved one is no more or less special, spiritual, kind, creative, loving...(fill in the blank) than any other addict, including those junkies you see outside meetings or in line at the clinic.. Everyone is someones father, wife, child, friend. Your family member may just more fortunate in education, economics, community support, or family structure. None of us are more special than another. There but for the grace of God...
Maybe you can see yourself in this post, I most certainly did! The guilt and the shame of having an addict for a child. A failure as a mother, all about me. It was not me that did it to him he chose this path and doesn't have the willpower to quit. It's all about him and I had to get out his way.
XXX
Sue
Have you seen this post from a mom who's daughter lost the battle.
I read this like the bible. It helps me keep strong.
Recently someone asked me what I had done to help my daughter. The only thing I could think of was that I had finally stepped out of her way and let her help herself...allowed her to own her pain, and subsequently her joy. I found it was easier to think of those things I had done that had NOT helped her.
Here's my list (and it's a looong one) for what it's worth:
Things that DONT help
1) Anything we do for them that they CAN and SHOULD do for themselves.
Examples:
-Running interference with schools or employers
-Making excuses for them (He sick, shes depressed, she had a hard childhood, he has chronic pain, he really wants to be clean, he needs me, shes so youngfill it in with your favorite)
-Paying debts to ANYONEloans, dealers, bills
-Giving them money
-Calling hospitals, detoxes, rehabs, doctors
-Holding or doling out medications, especially risk-reduction meds like suboxone or methadone.
Being a whirlwind of activity helps us, not themit makes us feel like we are doing something when in actuality we are spinning our wheels. It relieves of us of some guilt we may be feeling about how this could happen in our family, because really, this is all about us (NOT).
2) Pretending that what we do is for them when it is really for us. This is a hard one to get past because in the beginning we are absolutely convinced that our motives are pure and unselfishwe want to helpwe MUST help. Upon closer examination however, we will discover that much of what we have done has been for us, to satisfy ourselves that we have done everything possible to stop this train, and to maintain the illusion that what we are doing is helpful
3) Watching.
The kind of vigilance some of us exercised in the beginning (and some still do) is painful to recall. Watching moods, checking phone bills and cell phones, counting pills, sitting with them watching movies or playing games to take their minds off things (as if!), asking 'polite' questions about their day or their feelings.
4) Monitoring meeting attendancethis one is a form of watching and is big: Did you get to a meeting today? You said you were going to a meeting. Do you need a ride to your meeting? Isnt this your meeting night? What step are you on? Do you have a sponsor? Here, I bought you a Big Book. How was your meeting? Did you like tonights meeting? Arrrrggggh!!!!
Even worse is going to meetings with them. If you need a meeting, get yourself to AlAnon. Going to NA/AA meetings with them is a form of voyeurism and an invasion of privacy. The last word in the name of ANY 12 step program is Anonymous. The same is true of finding an online recovery community and sharing that with themicky.
5) Keeping score.
Scorekeeping is part of watching. You said you were going do X or Y but you havent. I thought you were supposed to A or B, have you? I have done A,B, and C, but you have not done X,Y, or Z. Score keeping can also mean counting sober time.
6)Talking.
Try listening instead. Saying it louder, or saying it differently, or saying it more is all the sameeventually no one hears you. You will know when you are talked out because you will be as sick of the sound of your own voice as they are. Talking includes asking questions, lots and lots of questions.
7) Controlling.
You cant. Stop trying.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. (Dr. Irene Matiatos) This gets back to doing for them what they should do for themselves. See #1.
8) Guilting.
This is just one more way to make it about us. How could you do this? What are you thinking? (Believe me, you dont want to know.) Whats so hard about your life? Dont you care about ____? Watching you do this is killing me. You wouldnt if you loved me. (I cant really love you because I dont love myself.)
9) Picking up the pieces.
Allowing one to learn from ones mistakes is one of the greatest dignities we can offer. Viewing the wreckage of the past is necessary and vital to growth. Every time we indulge in #1, of which #9 is a part, we tell them that we do not believe in them, that we do not see them as capable, that we have no faith in their ability to do the right thing,that they cannot take care of themselves. We send a message of incompetence and powerlessness, and chances are good they already feel this way, so all we do is reinforce a lousy self-image.
10) Shrinking or Sponsoring
You are not your loved ones doctor, therapist, or sponsor. All of your so-called understanding is annoying and makes it about you again. Stop trying to get into her head...it is not someplace you should be. Everything you are learning about addiction is powerful if you use it to help YOU, but once you use to be disgustingly understanding or to try to 12-step your loved one, it becomes the tool of the devil. Instead ask yourself why you are so addicted to your addicted loved one...why it is so hard to tell where she begins and you end.
11) Having expectations.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. On the other hand, having low expectations leads to excuse-making (see #1).
12) NOT working on ourselves.
It sure is easy to look at the addict and believe that all would be right in our worlds (and more importantly in our interior lives) if only.
Instead, try looking at what you contribute to the dynamic. What is it in us that makes us need to project-manage them and their disease? What is the sickness in me that I feel that all positive outcomes hinge on what I do or say? Once again, it's all about me.
13) Seeing your situation as special or different.
This has a name in 12 step settings: terminal uniqueness. We are all terminally unique. In codependents this most often takes the form of Shes so wonderful, sweet, funnywhen shes not using. Yep, they are all terrific, sensitive souls when the drugs have not robbed them of that. Your addicted loved one is no more or less special, spiritual, kind, creative, loving...(fill in the blank) than any other addict, including those junkies you see outside meetings or in line at the clinic.. Everyone is someones father, wife, child, friend. Your family member may just more fortunate in education, economics, community support, or family structure. None of us are more special than another. There but for the grace of God...
Maybe you can see yourself in this post, I most certainly did! The guilt and the shame of having an addict for a child. A failure as a mother, all about me. It was not me that did it to him he chose this path and doesn't have the willpower to quit. It's all about him and I had to get out his way.
XXX
Sue
This was something that a friend of this board posted a long way back too...it's priceless..and her daughter to this day is still clean...
Con
Con
