Girls.
I think we should write a book and use profits to help children in school before it comes to this life.
With the new drugs coming out , kids are more likely to try them. They have lost respect for law /and adults. Parents are afraid to be parents.
My kids knew right from wrong and I am sure that lays heavily on my son. He only stole when he was really high and then of course doesn't remember.
He won't hurt a fly when sober, but high he has no fear of nothing and that scares me. I always fear he will hurt someone. He was a strong lad at one time.
He used to tell me stories when he was dealing about people getting shot at and stab all the time. Girls getting raped and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I said to him really you like this life? OMG
It's his life now and his choices I just wish I could stop worrying about him, and thinking about him. Really pisses me off sometimes!! :)
xx
Sue
Yes Sue !
I thought to ask hubby to copy & print some of the posts & replies.
WE'D read it! lol
Our kids didn't listen though...hope the next generation does, but it scares me to see what they see.
G'night~...
Dee
Hey Y'all!
Yes, Sue, I saw that post. I needed to read it again, as I just did several times. It is probably right. A LOT of this is about me. I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to ever look back and say, "Gosh, if I only did X for my child, then she wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't . . ." And, thus far, when I'm rational, I don't feel like I wish I would have, should have, could have with her for anything major. Don't get me wrong. I was not a "perfect" parent (whatever that is. It's right up there with defining "normal"). Of course if I could do some things over,I definitely would. But, like every parent here, we didn't abuse or neglect her as a kid; we didn't drop her on her head; she wasn't born addicted. I don't feel guilty (at least not today). I am angry and pissed.
I am almost Mr. Spock type logical. So, for me the choice is logical. On the one hand you come home to a fridge stocked with your choice of beverages, a freezer full of food/meat/veggies/ice cream, a warm bed with clean sheets & no worries of bed bugs, knowing that your stuff is secure. On the other hand, you live out of a suitcase and garbage bag, you open the fridge & freezer to see nothing (not even mayo and ketchup), you post on FB that you're worried where your next meal is coming, you look like hell warmed over, you're selling your body to get high. Which would you pick? BUT i am coming to understand that I will never understand. Our kids have made their choices and we need to live with them. (I am talking to myself!!)
Con - I didn't mean to put any pressure on you. I only wanted to celebrate with and for you. You are sooo open with your struggles and demons, some thing I wish my own flesh and blood would do, I only meant to provide encouragement and show some love. My apologies. No more snoopy dancing or doing the new running man. The offer of adoption is still open, though, regardless of whether you are using or not. Smile.
Con - Could you ask your wife to join this site? Seriously. She has some things she definitely needs to teach, at least, me. I celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, holidays, etc. in BIG ways. I can't imagine my daughter coming to me, saying she's gotten to X days clean and sober and me not having a BIG reaction. How did she get to the point that she doesn't ask, encourage/discourage and she's sharing the same bedroom with you? WOW. I called my daughter's facility today. I wanted to make sure she admitted herself and was still there. I didn't talk with her. (And. . . the winnner for the Bad Mommy Award is . . .)
And . . .Dee . . . I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!! Touche.
Amma - please come to this site. We offer love, understanding, information, a place to vent and a place to celebrate. We as moms, dads, grandmas, grandpas, spouses, siblings, addicts and recovering addicts are here for you. And as you see, we will each give you our heartfelt opinions.
xoox
Lynn
Yes, Sue, I saw that post. I needed to read it again, as I just did several times. It is probably right. A LOT of this is about me. I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to ever look back and say, "Gosh, if I only did X for my child, then she wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't . . ." And, thus far, when I'm rational, I don't feel like I wish I would have, should have, could have with her for anything major. Don't get me wrong. I was not a "perfect" parent (whatever that is. It's right up there with defining "normal"). Of course if I could do some things over,I definitely would. But, like every parent here, we didn't abuse or neglect her as a kid; we didn't drop her on her head; she wasn't born addicted. I don't feel guilty (at least not today). I am angry and pissed.
I am almost Mr. Spock type logical. So, for me the choice is logical. On the one hand you come home to a fridge stocked with your choice of beverages, a freezer full of food/meat/veggies/ice cream, a warm bed with clean sheets & no worries of bed bugs, knowing that your stuff is secure. On the other hand, you live out of a suitcase and garbage bag, you open the fridge & freezer to see nothing (not even mayo and ketchup), you post on FB that you're worried where your next meal is coming, you look like hell warmed over, you're selling your body to get high. Which would you pick? BUT i am coming to understand that I will never understand. Our kids have made their choices and we need to live with them. (I am talking to myself!!)
Con - I didn't mean to put any pressure on you. I only wanted to celebrate with and for you. You are sooo open with your struggles and demons, some thing I wish my own flesh and blood would do, I only meant to provide encouragement and show some love. My apologies. No more snoopy dancing or doing the new running man. The offer of adoption is still open, though, regardless of whether you are using or not. Smile.
Con - Could you ask your wife to join this site? Seriously. She has some things she definitely needs to teach, at least, me. I celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, holidays, etc. in BIG ways. I can't imagine my daughter coming to me, saying she's gotten to X days clean and sober and me not having a BIG reaction. How did she get to the point that she doesn't ask, encourage/discourage and she's sharing the same bedroom with you? WOW. I called my daughter's facility today. I wanted to make sure she admitted herself and was still there. I didn't talk with her. (And. . . the winnner for the Bad Mommy Award is . . .)
And . . .Dee . . . I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!! Touche.
Amma - please come to this site. We offer love, understanding, information, a place to vent and a place to celebrate. We as moms, dads, grandmas, grandpas, spouses, siblings, addicts and recovering addicts are here for you. And as you see, we will each give you our heartfelt opinions.
xoox
Lynn
lynn,
Looking back at a previous post you said the bf mailed cigarettes. and you wish she asked her 'mama'. I know that is your first thought, but really the fact that she asked him and not you is a good thing. You may not want him involved at all - which I agree with you - but she needs to be independent and stop asking you for day to day items.
When they are in recovery, I think it is important for them to be independent and feel independent. There's something about the strings attached to us parents that is not good for them. I cant describe it in words, but it is like us helping them makes them worse. It makes them feel like they are not capable of doing it on their own.
In addiction, they are in rut of habits. These habits work for drug addicts, but not for independent, healthy people who have jobs and contribute to society. Part of their recovery is to exchange the dysfunctional habits for functional habits.
Unfortunately for us, parents are too intertwined in the mess. they need to have a clean break without us holding the safety net. we need to step back for a while. After she is doing well on her own, she will be your daughter again. but she cant do well unless you let go.
I know you are doing the best you can, and getting better at it each day. it is hard for all of us.
Looking back at a previous post you said the bf mailed cigarettes. and you wish she asked her 'mama'. I know that is your first thought, but really the fact that she asked him and not you is a good thing. You may not want him involved at all - which I agree with you - but she needs to be independent and stop asking you for day to day items.
When they are in recovery, I think it is important for them to be independent and feel independent. There's something about the strings attached to us parents that is not good for them. I cant describe it in words, but it is like us helping them makes them worse. It makes them feel like they are not capable of doing it on their own.
In addiction, they are in rut of habits. These habits work for drug addicts, but not for independent, healthy people who have jobs and contribute to society. Part of their recovery is to exchange the dysfunctional habits for functional habits.
Unfortunately for us, parents are too intertwined in the mess. they need to have a clean break without us holding the safety net. we need to step back for a while. After she is doing well on her own, she will be your daughter again. but she cant do well unless you let go.
I know you are doing the best you can, and getting better at it each day. it is hard for all of us.
I totally agree we are part of the problem, we didn't cause it. I think if I let my son fall when he was in his 20's maybe just maybe he might had a chance. Who knows , however what I do know now is that I was seriously enabling him and he was getting worse the more I did. IF I had left him alone and not tried to intervene and make sure he had a place, feed and cloth him.would he of gotten help. NO WAY he was not ready and infact will never be ready to get sober, he doesn't want to. I know now it's to much work for him, he doesn't have the willpower or personality to follow through. He was always very sensitive and his coping skills weren't the best when things didn't go his way. He was also selfish and domineering with his siblings.
I can see now I didn't have a chance in hell to steer him.
It was so bad I used to make sure I took the tags off the clothes so that he couldn't return them. When I went to his room and that's all he had a room in a house with other guys. It was a nice place not a halfway house either, he always told me it was to easy to get drugs in them.
Right now I am trying not to worry about him and get on with my life. I have three boys my addict son who is 35 and my eldest age 37-and younger one 31. I have two gorgeous grandsons. My two sons are doing great and productive, so now when I look at them I know I wasn't such a bad mom, I just have a child that chose a path of least resistance to being productive in society.
I remember when he got his first traffic ticket and refused to pay it, call it Communists haha!!
So many red flags when he was a teenager and I was working through them at the same time going through a divorce.
My addict son was always comparing himself to his siblings and family members . He needed praise constantly . It was never enough he couldn't get enough of positive reinforcement. He always gave in to drugs. For a long time he was a functioning drug addict, went to work and had a roof over his head. But since my younger son and I stop enabling him he has done a runner.
I love you girls this forum has help me immensely and I became better at saying no and understanding there was nothing I could of done.!!
Sue
I can see now I didn't have a chance in hell to steer him.
It was so bad I used to make sure I took the tags off the clothes so that he couldn't return them. When I went to his room and that's all he had a room in a house with other guys. It was a nice place not a halfway house either, he always told me it was to easy to get drugs in them.
Right now I am trying not to worry about him and get on with my life. I have three boys my addict son who is 35 and my eldest age 37-and younger one 31. I have two gorgeous grandsons. My two sons are doing great and productive, so now when I look at them I know I wasn't such a bad mom, I just have a child that chose a path of least resistance to being productive in society.
I remember when he got his first traffic ticket and refused to pay it, call it Communists haha!!
So many red flags when he was a teenager and I was working through them at the same time going through a divorce.
My addict son was always comparing himself to his siblings and family members . He needed praise constantly . It was never enough he couldn't get enough of positive reinforcement. He always gave in to drugs. For a long time he was a functioning drug addict, went to work and had a roof over his head. But since my younger son and I stop enabling him he has done a runner.
I love you girls this forum has help me immensely and I became better at saying no and understanding there was nothing I could of done.!!
Sue
The post of things NOT to do. It is a perfectly said. All statements that I know to be true, but I was not able to list and describe as well as they are here. Wonderful! Thanks for re-posting!
We need those reminders.
I had to LOL on a few of them. #4 and #6 - talked out - yup - calls w my son get to the silent part. I say - I have said everything, cant think of anything new to say. I dont even want to say it anymore.
We need those reminders.
I had to LOL on a few of them. #4 and #6 - talked out - yup - calls w my son get to the silent part. I say - I have said everything, cant think of anything new to say. I dont even want to say it anymore.
Lynn...all the love in the world to you...you make me laugh ...no worries...really...but no to having the wife here...my space....and she wouldn't want to be here...she disconnects ...and that means disconnects...she's not blind to it...she just chooses to not engage in the drama...the responsibility for any drug use is mine alone...as it should be...she knows when I'm using...pretty sure at least....but interference in our life that takes it apart is not tolerated anymore...she gets scared...just like you do...but she also knows that nothing she could say would change it...there are no trophies for getting or staying clean...and she knows her involvement in it can backfire on so many levels...i do get read the riot act every now and then...but I know her rules...and respect them...and if I cross the line ...i have to leave...no conversations...no anger...sadness...yes...but no drama...it's the way it has to be...she's been through it all before...we both have...we rarely talk about drugs...it's not her thing...it's mine...she has to stay free from that part of me at all costs...or face being taken down with me...it's simply what alanon and naranon keep telling you...I have na and my aa peeps and a sponsor and even this board for support...I work my side and she works hers....
Ok you all. I bit the bullet. I got tired of everyone telling me that I look sad and stressed. My grandmother used to say that my emotions are written in my eyes. I've never had a poker face. And I'm tired of being tired and depressed. I went to a Naranon meeting.
It was nice to sit in a room full of people with loved ones in different stages of addiction and recovery. It was like going to a family reunion, I guess. Lots of love, understanding and empathy. And I did learn a thing or two. One thing was that a heroin addicts relationship with the drug is a love relationship. Someone read their daughter's good-bye letter to heroin. At first it sounded like a typical love letter: you were there when no one else was, you made me feel good and worthy, you loved me, you understood and soothed my pain, you caressed me and made me feel happy, etc.
In the middle of the meeting, my cell rang. It was a FL number. Oh God, I'm thinking, what's wrong now? Has she left this place? Did she OD? Did she go back to Lover Boy (who now has a job)? Was she arrested? Is she dead? I ran out to take the call. And braced myself for whatever news was coming. It was my daughter!!!!! (I can Snoopy dance now, right Con??!!She can't see. LOL)
The things NOT to do list was fresh on my mind, especially the listen part. I wasn't sure what to say or ask. I asked basic, open ended questions. She can't use her cell or any social media while she's there; she can only make outgoing calls on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. She can't accept any incoming calls. She didn't ask for money. She did say that this place only provides one meal a day but they take them to the grocery store for them to buy food. She said that she hasn't gotten her last paycheck. We didn't give her any money bc we had that 4 week deadline 7 weeks ago, she just OD'd, etc. I just said, "Oh," and changed the subject. I did tell her I was at a Naranon meeting. And, I surprisingly didn't have much to say. So, the call was short, maybe 5 minutes.
I'm going to send her a card. I'm thinking of including a $50 gift card. Why? Because I'm her mama and she needs to eat. (Ok...at 220 pounds she could stand to miss a meal or two. lol). She can't work now. She said this is really a partial hospitalization program, not a full inpatient. So she can't do this for herself. And, I'm anticipating her need. I don't want her to get desperate and return to her addict habits of conjuring up money. I should be supportive, especially since she IS trying. But the other side of me, the one that is not trying to enable and is trying to disengage, says "She picked this spot. Didn't tell me boo. Let her live with the consequences of her decisions. Besides she didn't ask. We set a limit 7 weeks ago regarding her allowance; that time has passed. We can't let our mouth write a check that our a** can't cash." I'm conflicted. Your thoughts?
Yes, ladies, we should write a book. I'd like to use the proceeds to develop a get-away for parents, siblings, grandparents, etc of addicts. I keep thinking that I could use a good vacation to stop, pause, regroup, plan and focus on me. So. . . They/We could go for 3 or 4 days just to relax, escape, rejuveniate and be pampered. Since I imagine that our book will be a best seller and will generate millions in sales, we'd have 2 locations -- one at the beach and the other in the mountains-- and there would be no charge to the guests for their stay or meals or anything.
I'm rambling again. Sorry.
All y'all are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for being with me during this dark and difficult time. Each of you has been a God-send.
Love you guys,
Lynn
xoxo
It was nice to sit in a room full of people with loved ones in different stages of addiction and recovery. It was like going to a family reunion, I guess. Lots of love, understanding and empathy. And I did learn a thing or two. One thing was that a heroin addicts relationship with the drug is a love relationship. Someone read their daughter's good-bye letter to heroin. At first it sounded like a typical love letter: you were there when no one else was, you made me feel good and worthy, you loved me, you understood and soothed my pain, you caressed me and made me feel happy, etc.
In the middle of the meeting, my cell rang. It was a FL number. Oh God, I'm thinking, what's wrong now? Has she left this place? Did she OD? Did she go back to Lover Boy (who now has a job)? Was she arrested? Is she dead? I ran out to take the call. And braced myself for whatever news was coming. It was my daughter!!!!! (I can Snoopy dance now, right Con??!!She can't see. LOL)
The things NOT to do list was fresh on my mind, especially the listen part. I wasn't sure what to say or ask. I asked basic, open ended questions. She can't use her cell or any social media while she's there; she can only make outgoing calls on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. She can't accept any incoming calls. She didn't ask for money. She did say that this place only provides one meal a day but they take them to the grocery store for them to buy food. She said that she hasn't gotten her last paycheck. We didn't give her any money bc we had that 4 week deadline 7 weeks ago, she just OD'd, etc. I just said, "Oh," and changed the subject. I did tell her I was at a Naranon meeting. And, I surprisingly didn't have much to say. So, the call was short, maybe 5 minutes.
I'm going to send her a card. I'm thinking of including a $50 gift card. Why? Because I'm her mama and she needs to eat. (Ok...at 220 pounds she could stand to miss a meal or two. lol). She can't work now. She said this is really a partial hospitalization program, not a full inpatient. So she can't do this for herself. And, I'm anticipating her need. I don't want her to get desperate and return to her addict habits of conjuring up money. I should be supportive, especially since she IS trying. But the other side of me, the one that is not trying to enable and is trying to disengage, says "She picked this spot. Didn't tell me boo. Let her live with the consequences of her decisions. Besides she didn't ask. We set a limit 7 weeks ago regarding her allowance; that time has passed. We can't let our mouth write a check that our a** can't cash." I'm conflicted. Your thoughts?
Yes, ladies, we should write a book. I'd like to use the proceeds to develop a get-away for parents, siblings, grandparents, etc of addicts. I keep thinking that I could use a good vacation to stop, pause, regroup, plan and focus on me. So. . . They/We could go for 3 or 4 days just to relax, escape, rejuveniate and be pampered. Since I imagine that our book will be a best seller and will generate millions in sales, we'd have 2 locations -- one at the beach and the other in the mountains-- and there would be no charge to the guests for their stay or meals or anything.
I'm rambling again. Sorry.
All y'all are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for being with me during this dark and difficult time. Each of you has been a God-send.
Love you guys,
Lynn
xoxo
Most who attend a meeting are amazed that they feel "at home" in minutes.
I said to myself 'Why didn't I do this sooner !!"
I thought about writing a book but soon realized that I really didn't have a clue about what was happening.
Many wise people have written books on psychology, psychiatry, mental illness, emotional instability, addiction, spirituality, religion etc and I am FAR better applying my time to learning from them than entertaining the thought that I could/should write a book myself.
If you are like me you will come to realize that the longer you are trying to learn and grow in recovery that the less you will know for sure. You will have to experience this to know what I mean but you will become aware of it.
As I go along in recovery (and all oldtimers that I know are the same) the more I need/rely on God "as I am coming to know HIM".
I will say though that when I surrendered and started to attend the meetings that, literally through The Grace of God, good things started to happen.
Someone said "Do you believe in miracles?" - I said: "I rely on miracles".
All the best.
Bob R
I said to myself 'Why didn't I do this sooner !!"
I thought about writing a book but soon realized that I really didn't have a clue about what was happening.
Many wise people have written books on psychology, psychiatry, mental illness, emotional instability, addiction, spirituality, religion etc and I am FAR better applying my time to learning from them than entertaining the thought that I could/should write a book myself.
If you are like me you will come to realize that the longer you are trying to learn and grow in recovery that the less you will know for sure. You will have to experience this to know what I mean but you will become aware of it.
As I go along in recovery (and all oldtimers that I know are the same) the more I need/rely on God "as I am coming to know HIM".
I will say though that when I surrendered and started to attend the meetings that, literally through The Grace of God, good things started to happen.
Someone said "Do you believe in miracles?" - I said: "I rely on miracles".
All the best.
Bob R
Lol...snoopy dance on the roof Lynn...lol...but don't send money...glad you've got a naranon meeting...truly glad...be patient. ..let her live her decisions...don't get caught off guard because the relief is sweet right now..smiles to you. ..lol...snoopy dances...lol
Lynn,
I am SO HAPPY you went to a Naranon meeting!! that's great!! I'm glad you're takling care of yourself. Your friends at work no doubt, care about you. It sound like it went really well for you. That's so good to hear.
I bet that letter read from that woman's daughter to heroin, was a tear jerker. I would have been sitting in a puddle of tears. I hated reading that H meant so much to her. It's sad to hand over that power to anything let alone a substance.
I'm THRILLED your daughter called! I can picture you snoopy dog dancing~. lol Wow! You must have been walking on air! Love it!!
Told Sue I won't be posting or replying this week. I'm headed to a cabin my dad has in the mountains...just a basic cabin, nothing at all fancy. I hope my daughter behaves herself. She seems to choose these days we go away to screw herself up, like our 265th anniversary. Say a prayer she's good. Will check in daily with my other daughter. Worried about leaving but I gotta think more of me & my hubby.
You asked...no money. I know it sucks. I bought mine make-up. So I'm in no way shape or form, in any place to say anything to the contrary though. lol
Told Sue I won't be posting or replying this week. I'm headed to a cabin my dad has in the mountains...just a basic cabin, nothing at all fancy. I hope my daughter behaves herself. She always seems to choose these days we go away to screw herself up, like our 265th anniversary. Say a prayer she's good. Will check in daily with my other daughter. Worried about leaving but I gotta think more of me & my hubby. It's about 4 hours way.
I want to see her, but I'll be carrying that baggage with me all week. I'll be MISSING you all SO MUCH! There's no cable so I won't be able to get on.
Hope God holds you all in the palm of his hands. I hope to get on again before I leave.
Have a great night, Lynn.
Love & God bless you,
Dee
I am SO HAPPY you went to a Naranon meeting!! that's great!! I'm glad you're takling care of yourself. Your friends at work no doubt, care about you. It sound like it went really well for you. That's so good to hear.
I bet that letter read from that woman's daughter to heroin, was a tear jerker. I would have been sitting in a puddle of tears. I hated reading that H meant so much to her. It's sad to hand over that power to anything let alone a substance.
I'm THRILLED your daughter called! I can picture you snoopy dog dancing~. lol Wow! You must have been walking on air! Love it!!
Told Sue I won't be posting or replying this week. I'm headed to a cabin my dad has in the mountains...just a basic cabin, nothing at all fancy. I hope my daughter behaves herself. She seems to choose these days we go away to screw herself up, like our 265th anniversary. Say a prayer she's good. Will check in daily with my other daughter. Worried about leaving but I gotta think more of me & my hubby.
You asked...no money. I know it sucks. I bought mine make-up. So I'm in no way shape or form, in any place to say anything to the contrary though. lol
Told Sue I won't be posting or replying this week. I'm headed to a cabin my dad has in the mountains...just a basic cabin, nothing at all fancy. I hope my daughter behaves herself. She always seems to choose these days we go away to screw herself up, like our 265th anniversary. Say a prayer she's good. Will check in daily with my other daughter. Worried about leaving but I gotta think more of me & my hubby. It's about 4 hours way.
I want to see her, but I'll be carrying that baggage with me all week. I'll be MISSING you all SO MUCH! There's no cable so I won't be able to get on.
Hope God holds you all in the palm of his hands. I hope to get on again before I leave.
Have a great night, Lynn.
Love & God bless you,
Dee
Dee,
Have fun , think of your hubby and what it was like before kids! What's it worth doesn't matter where you are in the world she will do what she will do. Nothing stopping it. Put your worries deep down in your heart, get her out of your head and enjoy.
Life is way to short to be thinking about fighting a battle for someone else, especially when they won't fight it for themselves.
Don't let those bedbug bites, only hubby :)...
XX
Sue
Have fun , think of your hubby and what it was like before kids! What's it worth doesn't matter where you are in the world she will do what she will do. Nothing stopping it. Put your worries deep down in your heart, get her out of your head and enjoy.
Life is way to short to be thinking about fighting a battle for someone else, especially when they won't fight it for themselves.
Don't let those bedbug bites, only hubby :)...
XX
Sue
Dee-
I am so happy that you will be taking a mini-vacation. Enjoy this time away with your hubby. Escaping from your regular routine is always good for the mind, body and soul. Rejoice in the fact that you can't plug in to the net. Relax. Release. Call this a second honeymoon. Focus on you and hubbylicious. Have fun. Laugh. Hold hands. Will your phone work? I hope not. Let your girls know that this is YOUR time and use it to your full advantage.
We took a cruise in May to celebrate my hubby's 55th bday. So no cellphone while at sea. I did pay for the internet package so that I could check in with my office. Why did I do that? We left my daughter on a Sunday with gift card and lots of food. She FB'd me on Tuesday morning that I needed to make a deposit!! I don't remember the excuse why. It really didn't matter. I couldn't make a deposit from the Atlantic Ocean. So, being resourceful, my daughter started dialing for dollars. She must have gotten desperate bc she called my cheap sister (who has the first quarter she ever made) who sent her $20. LOL
The moral of the story is that your daughter will be fine while you take a break. The one "good" thing about addicts is that they are resourceful. They will make a way out of no way. So, take a deep breath, say a prayer, put her in God's hands, and have a ball!!!!! I'll say a prayer or two or three for all of y'all.
I have to admit that my mood has lifted somewhat since my girl called. I was in a black funk before. Now I'm just in a funk. ;-) But I can't get out of my mind how sad she sounded. I wanted to talk to her on Friday to see how she sounded. She didn't call. I guess I'm okay with that. I think I've got some good old fashion separation anxiety coupled with all the baggage that comes with addiction. It's one thing for her to be in boarding school or college, sleeping in the dorm and eating via the meal plan, 3, 4 or even 7 hours away by car. I thought I dealt with empty nest when she left for boarding school when she was 15. I guess not. I'm learning that It's another thing to be a 3 or 4 hour plane ride away and she is technically homeless and just turned 21 with no job and no degree.
I bought the card for her. I didn't buy the gift card. I've asked God to direct me as what to do. It's not like she CAN work now. She's inpatient for all intent and purposes. Aren't I suppose to support her in her sobriety? How can she concentrate on what she is being taught and doing the right thing when her belly is rumbling? But I'm leaning towards not sending it, at least now. Why? Bc she didn't ask. The old Lynn anticipated her needs and met them. I've got to learn new ways to be a Mom to her.
I'm looking forward to the next Naranon meeting. I'm practicing my poker face, tho, for the participant who is beyond dismay bc their kid is using weed. I'm thinking: weed? pot? mary janes? Are you serious?? You are all bent out of shape, crying and all bc of that "drug" ????!! C'mon now. Nobody robs a 7-11 to go buy a nickle bag. If anything, someone only using pot is gonna rob 7-11 to get a Ding-Dong or a bag of chips. Nobody sells their body to go buy a blunt. You can't OD on weed no matter how hard u try. And weed -- either medicinal or otherwise-- is legal in NY, NJ, CO, CA, Amsterdam, Jamaica, etc. Yea. Yea. Weed CAN be a gateway drug. It wasn't for my daughter or for many others. All I know is that I'd gladly trade places with this person: let my daughter only smoke weed and let their kid do heroin (her drug of choice) but crack, Xanax or whatever is available is okay too. I know I'm wrong. I guess I shouldn't compare the drug of choice. And don't get me wrong . .I am not invalidating this person's pain, fear, anguish, feelings and concerns. Net, net, they are the same as mine and all of yours. BUT over weed???? I'm venting here so that this won't be written all over my face when they start balling at the meeting this week.(i'm ready for my scolding, PapaBear.)
How was your birthday, Sue?
Enjoy the weekend!! Hugs to all!!!
Lynn xoxo
I am so happy that you will be taking a mini-vacation. Enjoy this time away with your hubby. Escaping from your regular routine is always good for the mind, body and soul. Rejoice in the fact that you can't plug in to the net. Relax. Release. Call this a second honeymoon. Focus on you and hubbylicious. Have fun. Laugh. Hold hands. Will your phone work? I hope not. Let your girls know that this is YOUR time and use it to your full advantage.
We took a cruise in May to celebrate my hubby's 55th bday. So no cellphone while at sea. I did pay for the internet package so that I could check in with my office. Why did I do that? We left my daughter on a Sunday with gift card and lots of food. She FB'd me on Tuesday morning that I needed to make a deposit!! I don't remember the excuse why. It really didn't matter. I couldn't make a deposit from the Atlantic Ocean. So, being resourceful, my daughter started dialing for dollars. She must have gotten desperate bc she called my cheap sister (who has the first quarter she ever made) who sent her $20. LOL
The moral of the story is that your daughter will be fine while you take a break. The one "good" thing about addicts is that they are resourceful. They will make a way out of no way. So, take a deep breath, say a prayer, put her in God's hands, and have a ball!!!!! I'll say a prayer or two or three for all of y'all.
I have to admit that my mood has lifted somewhat since my girl called. I was in a black funk before. Now I'm just in a funk. ;-) But I can't get out of my mind how sad she sounded. I wanted to talk to her on Friday to see how she sounded. She didn't call. I guess I'm okay with that. I think I've got some good old fashion separation anxiety coupled with all the baggage that comes with addiction. It's one thing for her to be in boarding school or college, sleeping in the dorm and eating via the meal plan, 3, 4 or even 7 hours away by car. I thought I dealt with empty nest when she left for boarding school when she was 15. I guess not. I'm learning that It's another thing to be a 3 or 4 hour plane ride away and she is technically homeless and just turned 21 with no job and no degree.
I bought the card for her. I didn't buy the gift card. I've asked God to direct me as what to do. It's not like she CAN work now. She's inpatient for all intent and purposes. Aren't I suppose to support her in her sobriety? How can she concentrate on what she is being taught and doing the right thing when her belly is rumbling? But I'm leaning towards not sending it, at least now. Why? Bc she didn't ask. The old Lynn anticipated her needs and met them. I've got to learn new ways to be a Mom to her.
I'm looking forward to the next Naranon meeting. I'm practicing my poker face, tho, for the participant who is beyond dismay bc their kid is using weed. I'm thinking: weed? pot? mary janes? Are you serious?? You are all bent out of shape, crying and all bc of that "drug" ????!! C'mon now. Nobody robs a 7-11 to go buy a nickle bag. If anything, someone only using pot is gonna rob 7-11 to get a Ding-Dong or a bag of chips. Nobody sells their body to go buy a blunt. You can't OD on weed no matter how hard u try. And weed -- either medicinal or otherwise-- is legal in NY, NJ, CO, CA, Amsterdam, Jamaica, etc. Yea. Yea. Weed CAN be a gateway drug. It wasn't for my daughter or for many others. All I know is that I'd gladly trade places with this person: let my daughter only smoke weed and let their kid do heroin (her drug of choice) but crack, Xanax or whatever is available is okay too. I know I'm wrong. I guess I shouldn't compare the drug of choice. And don't get me wrong . .I am not invalidating this person's pain, fear, anguish, feelings and concerns. Net, net, they are the same as mine and all of yours. BUT over weed???? I'm venting here so that this won't be written all over my face when they start balling at the meeting this week.(i'm ready for my scolding, PapaBear.)
How was your birthday, Sue?
Enjoy the weekend!! Hugs to all!!!
Lynn xoxo
Lynn
You crack me up. I remember when I said to my son you using pot , he said no mom I hate that stuff it doesn't work..Good gravy if only he did use pot at least he could put on weight!
And don't send food card. Remember she will be feed! It took me forever infact only this year since this forum to understand how bad I was enabling him. My mommy senses says you can't go hungry and not be clean. You need clean clothes dress for success and all that! He just slept in the clothes and grab another one and ruined the next one.
She will be fine and your daughter will 1) stick with the program and try really hard 2) quit and walk out. Either way your out of control.
Knowing myself I would be frantic. But it's getting better, I don't worry and when I do I pop on here. It's been harder than most because I haven't heard from him.
Dee,
Hope you are having a blast!! you need it. My husband drag me on holiday this summer , I even got to see Nigeria Falls in Canada Side. It was nice just us and no kids/phone calls or work.
Lynn,
Going to be singing that song for you 'Poker Face' lolol..
Xx
Sue
You crack me up. I remember when I said to my son you using pot , he said no mom I hate that stuff it doesn't work..Good gravy if only he did use pot at least he could put on weight!
And don't send food card. Remember she will be feed! It took me forever infact only this year since this forum to understand how bad I was enabling him. My mommy senses says you can't go hungry and not be clean. You need clean clothes dress for success and all that! He just slept in the clothes and grab another one and ruined the next one.
She will be fine and your daughter will 1) stick with the program and try really hard 2) quit and walk out. Either way your out of control.
Knowing myself I would be frantic. But it's getting better, I don't worry and when I do I pop on here. It's been harder than most because I haven't heard from him.
Dee,
Hope you are having a blast!! you need it. My husband drag me on holiday this summer , I even got to see Nigeria Falls in Canada Side. It was nice just us and no kids/phone calls or work.
Lynn,
Going to be singing that song for you 'Poker Face' lolol..
Xx
Sue
Sue & Lynn,
You two are so good to me!
Sue,
Thinking of me & hubby, before KIDS!! ?? My hubby married me & became my son's daddy permanently, at 3 yrs old. (Bad 1st marriage..abusive). So you see, we never were without kids! lol I have every intention of trying to relax. Pray for us that our daughter does okay while we're gone. I will try not to worry, I truly will~. lol
I won't let the bed bugs bite~! lol
I will ask my hubby to bite. lol Teasin' ya. :)
You're right, life is to short. You know we all could use a break!
Lynn,
I can't wait till hubby gets home so I can tell him you referred to him as "hubbylicious". lol No phone, no cable...but we are taking our two yorkies , I'd miss them big time!
We honeymooned in Niagra Falls. It is amazing, so beautiful.
My older daughter said she won't ruin our time away by telling us about anything not earth shattering. We really will have fun. We like to float down the river with a cooler. lol It's so much fun. I wish you guys could come! You know we'd never stop talking!! lol
You guys are Godsent...true angels. I appreciate it SO MUCH!! And I pray for your kids too.
That cruise must have been GREAT! I'll follow your lead & try to disengage.
I am rolling about the couple whose kid does weed! I'd beg for WEED! Weed is like chocolate cake to me! But I guess to them it's more...but they should be blessed that it's not heroin like all of us. I'd trade!
Lynn, it's good your girl called, don't overthink it. I do that all the time...it's easy to do. We're always trying to decipher things. It is surely part separation anxiety like you said. I have pictures of my daughter from two years before this crap started. I look at them every night. I miss mine like you miss yours, and Sue, I know you miss your son...It never leaves us. We just push it down inside till we can process it all.
Also hon, I'd go with just sending the card. If you send a gift card, she might start to expect it & what will you do when that happens? Don't wanna undo all the good you've done.
I've been meaning to tell you how much I admire you for going to Florida & the whole thing. You are incredibley strong. You & Sue both are.
Well, heading out to church. Gotta go, good Lord knows we need HIM!
Take care girls.
I'll be thinking of you & bringing my prayer list with me. :)
Love & God bless you, God bless everyone of us, on the board.
Dee
You two are so good to me!
Sue,
Thinking of me & hubby, before KIDS!! ?? My hubby married me & became my son's daddy permanently, at 3 yrs old. (Bad 1st marriage..abusive). So you see, we never were without kids! lol I have every intention of trying to relax. Pray for us that our daughter does okay while we're gone. I will try not to worry, I truly will~. lol
I won't let the bed bugs bite~! lol
I will ask my hubby to bite. lol Teasin' ya. :)
You're right, life is to short. You know we all could use a break!
Lynn,
I can't wait till hubby gets home so I can tell him you referred to him as "hubbylicious". lol No phone, no cable...but we are taking our two yorkies , I'd miss them big time!
We honeymooned in Niagra Falls. It is amazing, so beautiful.
My older daughter said she won't ruin our time away by telling us about anything not earth shattering. We really will have fun. We like to float down the river with a cooler. lol It's so much fun. I wish you guys could come! You know we'd never stop talking!! lol
You guys are Godsent...true angels. I appreciate it SO MUCH!! And I pray for your kids too.
That cruise must have been GREAT! I'll follow your lead & try to disengage.
I am rolling about the couple whose kid does weed! I'd beg for WEED! Weed is like chocolate cake to me! But I guess to them it's more...but they should be blessed that it's not heroin like all of us. I'd trade!
Lynn, it's good your girl called, don't overthink it. I do that all the time...it's easy to do. We're always trying to decipher things. It is surely part separation anxiety like you said. I have pictures of my daughter from two years before this crap started. I look at them every night. I miss mine like you miss yours, and Sue, I know you miss your son...It never leaves us. We just push it down inside till we can process it all.
Also hon, I'd go with just sending the card. If you send a gift card, she might start to expect it & what will you do when that happens? Don't wanna undo all the good you've done.
I've been meaning to tell you how much I admire you for going to Florida & the whole thing. You are incredibley strong. You & Sue both are.
Well, heading out to church. Gotta go, good Lord knows we need HIM!
Take care girls.
I'll be thinking of you & bringing my prayer list with me. :)
Love & God bless you, God bless everyone of us, on the board.
Dee
My two cents....Im confused about the food situation? They CANT work because its inpatient BUT they only provide one meal a day? Maybe Im missing something or confusing posts but THIS CANT BE RIGHT. Check on what she's telling you. I would NOT send anything....it can get used for dope just as easily as cash except you (or I should say she) will get half of what its worth. Its VERY common. Instead of sending her FOOD you COULD be providing her one and only option for drugs...
Hello all...
That post, "Things That Don't Help"...that was me, and Con is correct, my daughter did NOT lose the struggle...she won big time...we all did. I am under no illusion that she will always be clean...no guarantees there...I have too many friends, many of them right here, who have been long-term clean and STILL find themselves in the vortex. BUT, right now, at this moment, and for the last seven years she has been clean....and it was seven years that we were in it with her. She OD'ed, ran away, flunked out of rehab, went to jail 2000 miles from home, got an OUI, shot heroin, smoked crack, stole, detoxed, ALL OF IT. And there I was right beside her living it with her, fading away myself, losing my mind, panicked all day every day. I had to decide that I wanted to live a better life, even if she didn't.
So for all of you still in the struggle, remember that you can choose at any time to stop and get off of the ride...really, at the time of your choosing you can be peaceful and happy, even if they are not. Easy? No, not at all...but it's the only decision I ever made in all of it that helped any of us...to just STOP and separate from her drama. Today she thanks me for it, tells me I was right no matter how she browbeat me...that she is glad I was strong.
Don't give up hope...just hope from a healthy distance.
Glad that post has helped some...I got a lot of support here...read a lot of really important stuff...made some wonderful, loving, forever friends all over the world. I thank God for this place, even though I'm not around much anymore.
Peace Y'All ~ MomNMore
That post, "Things That Don't Help"...that was me, and Con is correct, my daughter did NOT lose the struggle...she won big time...we all did. I am under no illusion that she will always be clean...no guarantees there...I have too many friends, many of them right here, who have been long-term clean and STILL find themselves in the vortex. BUT, right now, at this moment, and for the last seven years she has been clean....and it was seven years that we were in it with her. She OD'ed, ran away, flunked out of rehab, went to jail 2000 miles from home, got an OUI, shot heroin, smoked crack, stole, detoxed, ALL OF IT. And there I was right beside her living it with her, fading away myself, losing my mind, panicked all day every day. I had to decide that I wanted to live a better life, even if she didn't.
So for all of you still in the struggle, remember that you can choose at any time to stop and get off of the ride...really, at the time of your choosing you can be peaceful and happy, even if they are not. Easy? No, not at all...but it's the only decision I ever made in all of it that helped any of us...to just STOP and separate from her drama. Today she thanks me for it, tells me I was right no matter how she browbeat me...that she is glad I was strong.
Don't give up hope...just hope from a healthy distance.
Glad that post has helped some...I got a lot of support here...read a lot of really important stuff...made some wonderful, loving, forever friends all over the world. I thank God for this place, even though I'm not around much anymore.
Peace Y'All ~ MomNMore
Mom,
Once I re read your post I release your daughter did make it out, my son hasn't, and won't unless something serious happens, i.e. death, or redemption.
However, I did get off his roller coaster of a life and let him get on with it. I've tried it all, but nothing would work. His lies were getting more outragous as the years went by.
I can console myself now that I didn't cause him to use ,and I didn't abandoned my son as I was accused by my ex husband's family.My son was 18 when I was divorced. His step dad has help me more than anyone. Including keeping me sane during OD"s , jail time and whatever else he was into.
I know now that is where some of my guilt came from, being accused of being a terrible mother, not fixing my son. Letting my own life come before his.
My addicts son's aunts and uncles / step mother all blamed me for his addiction, and why I wasn't helping him.Why is he not living with you? Why can't you get him to rehab, why did you let him go to jail. His step mother was the worst, unbeknown to me she was also has a drug addiction.
Not one of them even offer to help me with him. Not any of the understood that it was beyond my control. He made the choice to get high and blamed the world for his depression.
Also I was ashamed of my son, of the life he choose and I never told anyone what he was doing. I lied myself to co-workers that he was successful at being a chief. He was such a hard worker would hold a job for years, and then really screw up and get fired. He just never had any money, guess why?
I put him in rehab so many times on my income, even put him in homeless shelter after a jail stint. I had him baker act twice.
I wouldn't bail him out of jail he did the crime he need repercussions for his actions. I was the one feeding him, clothing him, getting sponsors anything to make him release he was wasting away his life. Not the family. But this year I got off the rollercoaster he is now 35. He started at 15.
There eyes have been opened a bit as their own children are into drugs.
Now they know it wasn't me, they know what he is.
Finally they guilt they put on me has been lifted not by them but by me. I can say now I am free of any guilt of not being able to cure my addict son. Even when I saw the signs and was trying my best to get through to him.
Now I know the only outcome was for my son to seek help himself. Not depending on me doing it all.
In the end he is the one that choose to keep using the hard drugs which lead to heroin, and it's his choice to get sober. He is missing for 4 months now. I have no idea where he is. Alive or dead.
I can only pray that he is trying to get sober and going to come back to us that way.
Thank you for everything you and Con, pappa and all the people here have really been a great support system..
Sue xxx
Once I re read your post I release your daughter did make it out, my son hasn't, and won't unless something serious happens, i.e. death, or redemption.
However, I did get off his roller coaster of a life and let him get on with it. I've tried it all, but nothing would work. His lies were getting more outragous as the years went by.
I can console myself now that I didn't cause him to use ,and I didn't abandoned my son as I was accused by my ex husband's family.My son was 18 when I was divorced. His step dad has help me more than anyone. Including keeping me sane during OD"s , jail time and whatever else he was into.
I know now that is where some of my guilt came from, being accused of being a terrible mother, not fixing my son. Letting my own life come before his.
My addicts son's aunts and uncles / step mother all blamed me for his addiction, and why I wasn't helping him.Why is he not living with you? Why can't you get him to rehab, why did you let him go to jail. His step mother was the worst, unbeknown to me she was also has a drug addiction.
Not one of them even offer to help me with him. Not any of the understood that it was beyond my control. He made the choice to get high and blamed the world for his depression.
Also I was ashamed of my son, of the life he choose and I never told anyone what he was doing. I lied myself to co-workers that he was successful at being a chief. He was such a hard worker would hold a job for years, and then really screw up and get fired. He just never had any money, guess why?
I put him in rehab so many times on my income, even put him in homeless shelter after a jail stint. I had him baker act twice.
I wouldn't bail him out of jail he did the crime he need repercussions for his actions. I was the one feeding him, clothing him, getting sponsors anything to make him release he was wasting away his life. Not the family. But this year I got off the rollercoaster he is now 35. He started at 15.
There eyes have been opened a bit as their own children are into drugs.
Now they know it wasn't me, they know what he is.
Finally they guilt they put on me has been lifted not by them but by me. I can say now I am free of any guilt of not being able to cure my addict son. Even when I saw the signs and was trying my best to get through to him.
Now I know the only outcome was for my son to seek help himself. Not depending on me doing it all.
In the end he is the one that choose to keep using the hard drugs which lead to heroin, and it's his choice to get sober. He is missing for 4 months now. I have no idea where he is. Alive or dead.
I can only pray that he is trying to get sober and going to come back to us that way.
Thank you for everything you and Con, pappa and all the people here have really been a great support system..
Sue xxx
Sue, and everyone else,
As I read your words and follow your journey it gives me courage, even though it breaks my heart. I am somewhat new at this only in it a couple of years. Just recently, with the help of so many from these messages, I have started to learn the art of letting go and stopping the enabling. I am not completely there yet. I have three young adult addicts and each one is unique and presents different levels of drama. At one time recently, they were all living with me though! Talk about HELL...self imposed by me I know now.
As I read your post, Sue, my heart breaks that your journey has been so long. But I know it is not uncommon and I know I may have a similar future. I just wanted you all to know that I have gained a lot of knowledge, support and strength from everyone. I always feel like no news is good news also regarding our "lost" ones. In other words, they probably aren't dead because we would be notified. Sounds ridiculous saying that, but after reading many of Con's stories, in a strange way he is a survivor. Think of the beautiful words of inspiration he has given so many of us. Yes, his world has been different than ours, but he has many gifts to offer.
I know our children, regardless of their life choices, have gifts to offer the world. They may present them in very different ways, at different times, but we raised these beautiful souls. I know they are living a life that would not be my choice. But they are still beautiful people....somewhere in there.
As I read your words and follow your journey it gives me courage, even though it breaks my heart. I am somewhat new at this only in it a couple of years. Just recently, with the help of so many from these messages, I have started to learn the art of letting go and stopping the enabling. I am not completely there yet. I have three young adult addicts and each one is unique and presents different levels of drama. At one time recently, they were all living with me though! Talk about HELL...self imposed by me I know now.
As I read your post, Sue, my heart breaks that your journey has been so long. But I know it is not uncommon and I know I may have a similar future. I just wanted you all to know that I have gained a lot of knowledge, support and strength from everyone. I always feel like no news is good news also regarding our "lost" ones. In other words, they probably aren't dead because we would be notified. Sounds ridiculous saying that, but after reading many of Con's stories, in a strange way he is a survivor. Think of the beautiful words of inspiration he has given so many of us. Yes, his world has been different than ours, but he has many gifts to offer.
I know our children, regardless of their life choices, have gifts to offer the world. They may present them in very different ways, at different times, but we raised these beautiful souls. I know they are living a life that would not be my choice. But they are still beautiful people....somewhere in there.
mom,
Unbelievable that you have three children who are addicts. I can barely hang on to the one that I do have. What strength you have!!!
Con has been great, and I wish that he didn't have to travel the journey, he has been brutally honest, which I know I needed. I always like a good kick in the arse when he is around, because it's what I needed, tough love.
But I am getting there and I hope and pray that you find a way to work on yourself, life is to short to try to fix our adult children.
God bless,
Sue
Unbelievable that you have three children who are addicts. I can barely hang on to the one that I do have. What strength you have!!!
Con has been great, and I wish that he didn't have to travel the journey, he has been brutally honest, which I know I needed. I always like a good kick in the arse when he is around, because it's what I needed, tough love.
But I am getting there and I hope and pray that you find a way to work on yourself, life is to short to try to fix our adult children.
God bless,
Sue
