This is the first time I have ever posted. I am reaching out because my son (now 22) is at a crossroads and I'm trying to determine how and if I can help him. I found out about 2 years ago he had a medical marijuana card and was using regularaly. His Psychiatrist is aware of the pot use and I guess it's looked upon as an acceptable treatment for his issues (Anxiety, etc). He had also been prescribed medication for depression due to his inability to find motivation and joy in life (which I wonder is partially due to the pot smoking).
Recently he started hanging out with some other young adults that are known to be in trouble with drugs one of whom was a childhood friend that he recently starting hanging out with. He was pulled over with all of them in the car and searched. He admitted that he had a few pills in the car (Xanax and Ambien) that a friend gave him to deal with Anxiety and Insomnia until he could get a prescription from his doctor. They also found he had a $5 bill rolled up that he said he used to inhale his pain meds that he'd gotten after a surgery (obviously not how they were intended to be taken so there has been some level of abuse going on).
He has a meeting with the lawyer tomorrow to understand what the DA is offering and to plan for court this month. His choices are to plead guilty to a drug related charge and take either a diverson program (like a 1 year probation with some classes and testing) or take a 3 year probation with no program or to fight it for illegal search and seizure which I don't think has a snowballs chance of succeeding. My thought is that the diversion program may be able to help him stop everything since it may require that he not use POT even though he has the medical card. However, I'm concerned that, if he isn't able to stay off pot it may backfire and he could quickly end up with a drug conviction. If he chooses the 3 year probation and he doesn't have a program to help him what's the likelyhood of that succeeding? Or, is there an option to choose a private program, if he accepts it, that may work better for him?
I beg with him each day to try and start the day without being under the influence of anything and I see he's tried but he get's really cranky and has difficulty coping with people them. I realize now that the times when he's mean and cranky are those times when he's trying to stop and I have to try not to react negatively.
This morning things came to a head because I found out he failed all his classes this spring. He was a great student when he first started a few years ago as he followed is girlfriend to attend college together. When their relationship began to crumble he started to spiral downward and so did she. She was diagnosed as bi-polar and my son was taking everything she said and did to heart. She recently tried to OD on his birthday this last May and that is weighing heavily on him too. She was his highschool girlfriend and he really still loves her.
I'll close for now.. Just wanted to share since so many of you are dealing with issues too. Why can't our kids realize they are better off dealing head on with lifes issues rather than trying to bury them and mask the pain. I guess I've weathered through so many issues in my life pre-kids I can't understand avoidance since it DOESNT WORK.
Welcome to the boards. It sounds like the pain of using is finally starting to exceed the benefit...and it also sounds like your son's using has escalated and been excused over a long period of time. Is he in treatment with a therapist, or are his 'doctors' throwing meds at his problems? Smoking pot actually causes anxiety in a lot of people, so using it as an anti-anxiety balm should only be done by a doctor who knows a lot about addiction. Your son has found a great way to work the system to get his drugs...first the pot, then the anti-anxiety stuff...what's next?
You appear to have a high tolerance for his excuses and even make many of them for him. Yeah, I get cranky when I don't get what I want, too. Why is the onus on you to try not to react negatively? Sounds like you feel it's your role to walk on eggshells and try not to ruffle his feathers. If he is snorting his meds, he's in deep...no longer using them for their curative properties but to get high.
Is he living at home? Does he work? If the answer to the first is yes, and the second is no then you are doing way too much for him. He's a student and tanking out of school? Are you paying for this incredible privilege in today's economy? If so, best pull that plug, too. The more you do for him, the less he will do for himself.
The best thing you can do for him is not pick up the pieces for him, let him put things together for himself...he broke it, he can fix it...he is perfectly capable of doing so. He has a choice, let him make it and if a drug charge is the result, well, that's the consequence of drug use. The best thing you can d for yourself is the same thing...stop doing for him what he can and should do for himself and try not to feel too sorry for him as most of his stuff can be resolved with some effort from him. Recognize addictive behavior and decide what you can live with...set some boundaries and stick to them.
Peace ~ MomNMore
PS My daughter also lacked joy and motivation, but medication was never the answer, even with severe recurring depression. Once she started taking care of putting together a life for herself after we stopped doing it for her, she found the motivation first and then the joy.
| QUOTE |
| I beg with him each day to try and start the day without being under the influence of anything and I see he's tried but he get's really cranky and has difficulty coping with people them. I realize now that the times when he's mean and cranky are those times when he's trying to stop and I have to try not to react negatively. |
You appear to have a high tolerance for his excuses and even make many of them for him. Yeah, I get cranky when I don't get what I want, too. Why is the onus on you to try not to react negatively? Sounds like you feel it's your role to walk on eggshells and try not to ruffle his feathers. If he is snorting his meds, he's in deep...no longer using them for their curative properties but to get high.
Is he living at home? Does he work? If the answer to the first is yes, and the second is no then you are doing way too much for him. He's a student and tanking out of school? Are you paying for this incredible privilege in today's economy? If so, best pull that plug, too. The more you do for him, the less he will do for himself.
The best thing you can do for him is not pick up the pieces for him, let him put things together for himself...he broke it, he can fix it...he is perfectly capable of doing so. He has a choice, let him make it and if a drug charge is the result, well, that's the consequence of drug use. The best thing you can d for yourself is the same thing...stop doing for him what he can and should do for himself and try not to feel too sorry for him as most of his stuff can be resolved with some effort from him. Recognize addictive behavior and decide what you can live with...set some boundaries and stick to them.
Peace ~ MomNMore
PS My daughter also lacked joy and motivation, but medication was never the answer, even with severe recurring depression. Once she started taking care of putting together a life for herself after we stopped doing it for her, she found the motivation first and then the joy.
Hi there.
I am not experienced at giving advice, but I am a mother to 2 young kids (3 and 7) and I often wonder what advice I would offer if they ever had a substance abuse problem.
In fact, before puberty I do plan to show & tell them a lot about drugs/alcohol. I was never told or shown anything.
My advice is to gather as many youtube clippings you can find on the effects of cannabis/other drugs, some of them are really shocking i.e crystal meth is especially horrific. If you can, sit him down and make him watch them, if not e-mail the links to him, or print out the photos (before/after and leave them in his bedroom).
Next, if he enjoys any particular music, research it. Guaranteed one of his IDOLS will have died from substance abuse - point this out.
If all else fails, at 22 years old he is young, he hasnt developed too much of a certain WAY OF LIFE - pack his bags & drive him to the nearest private rehab!!
I am not experienced at giving advice, but I am a mother to 2 young kids (3 and 7) and I often wonder what advice I would offer if they ever had a substance abuse problem.
In fact, before puberty I do plan to show & tell them a lot about drugs/alcohol. I was never told or shown anything.
My advice is to gather as many youtube clippings you can find on the effects of cannabis/other drugs, some of them are really shocking i.e crystal meth is especially horrific. If you can, sit him down and make him watch them, if not e-mail the links to him, or print out the photos (before/after and leave them in his bedroom).
Next, if he enjoys any particular music, research it. Guaranteed one of his IDOLS will have died from substance abuse - point this out.
If all else fails, at 22 years old he is young, he hasnt developed too much of a certain WAY OF LIFE - pack his bags & drive him to the nearest private rehab!!
Hi again,
just read your post again. You sound an extremely caring mother and I think it is great that you are posting on this website to seek advice. That leads me to my point, do research, try to understand what's going with your boy in terms of what the drugs are doing to his mind & why he feels he needs them.
Educate yourself and try to TALK with him as much as possible. Try to make him see that his behaviour is a road to nowhere, explain that he only gets ONE life.
Sometimes I wish I had the guts to take myself & my kids (privately-educated, slightly spoiled, but lovely brats) to a shanty town in Ethopia/Africa/somewhere for a couple of weeks to let us all see how other people live.
I wish you all the best, x
just read your post again. You sound an extremely caring mother and I think it is great that you are posting on this website to seek advice. That leads me to my point, do research, try to understand what's going with your boy in terms of what the drugs are doing to his mind & why he feels he needs them.
Educate yourself and try to TALK with him as much as possible. Try to make him see that his behaviour is a road to nowhere, explain that he only gets ONE life.
Sometimes I wish I had the guts to take myself & my kids (privately-educated, slightly spoiled, but lovely brats) to a shanty town in Ethopia/Africa/somewhere for a couple of weeks to let us all see how other people live.
I wish you all the best, x
Thanks Spagetti and MomNMore for your sage advice. I wish I had come down harder when my boys were in their late teens and I was aware of their casual use of alcholol or pot. It's really a fine line not be perceived as a parent who's completely out of touch since pot is so widely accepted in society today. Plus my husband isn't adverse to "casual" use like I am and the boys know it.
I agree that education is the key. I found a great link in one of the posts which includes a 30 day self help to quit pot. I've printed off the material and plan to give it to my son in a binder. I"ve tried giving him info in the past but he says he is already aware. He may be aware of some overall "facts" but I know he's not recognizing how many of the adverse effects of pot are actually causing most of the problems he's experiencing in his life and causing in our lives. Spagetti is right, he has to decide to make a change and take ownership for his life. As parents we tried to support what we thought were productive goals but now his focus has shifted and our help is just enabling this lifestyle.
I'm waiting to see what happens with the lawyer tomorrow. Both my husband and I are attending the meeting but it's basically my son who needs to choose the course of action. Whatever he chooses I think he should incur the cost of paying for it using what he's making with his summer job. And ultimately he will have to deal with the repurcussions if he doesn't follow through. But as parents, we will always, always, be sharing some of the pain.
Here is the link to the site I mentioned above.
http://oade.nd.edu/educate-yourself...aging-cravings/
I agree that education is the key. I found a great link in one of the posts which includes a 30 day self help to quit pot. I've printed off the material and plan to give it to my son in a binder. I"ve tried giving him info in the past but he says he is already aware. He may be aware of some overall "facts" but I know he's not recognizing how many of the adverse effects of pot are actually causing most of the problems he's experiencing in his life and causing in our lives. Spagetti is right, he has to decide to make a change and take ownership for his life. As parents we tried to support what we thought were productive goals but now his focus has shifted and our help is just enabling this lifestyle.
I'm waiting to see what happens with the lawyer tomorrow. Both my husband and I are attending the meeting but it's basically my son who needs to choose the course of action. Whatever he chooses I think he should incur the cost of paying for it using what he's making with his summer job. And ultimately he will have to deal with the repurcussions if he doesn't follow through. But as parents, we will always, always, be sharing some of the pain.
Here is the link to the site I mentioned above.
http://oade.nd.edu/educate-yourself...aging-cravings/
Of course he should incur the costs of the lawyer, he is an adult after all. I went through an OUI with my daughter when she was 19, halfway across the country in a low tolerance state...flew across the country, bailed her out, found the lawyer, went to court with her...all of it. That was a one-shot deal and we told her so, from then on it was on her to make things right for herself. When she continued to get herself into various addictions and troubles she was shown the door and then found her own rehabs, detox facilities, and doctors and had to figure out costs...all on her own. At 22 your son is a man..yes, yes, I know he's not mature, he doesn't take care of himself, acts like a much younger person...they all do. But he'll never grow up if he never has to. There are free programs in every state (are you in the US?) and sober-living facilities everywhere...the more comfortable you make this for him, the less motivation he'll have to do anything about it...raise his bottom some...
And as the mother of an addict who is now a more or less responsible adult, a single mother with her own place, and a full-time job, I can tell you that all the talk in the world will not change a thing. There is nothing you can tell him that he cannot turn around, there is no statistic or high-profile death that will get through to him if he isn't ready to hear it. In fact, you will find that quite the opposite is true - the more you try to discuss addiction with him, the more he will resent you and your research. The reason to get educated is for YOU, so that YOU know what's what, not to convince him.
The reason we are all here on the Family board is because we all came seeking help for our troubled loved one, not recognizing that their problems had come to dominate our lives in an unhealthy and unmanageable way. Ultimately we have come to recognize that the only person we can change is ourselves. So what are you doing for YOU?
Peace ~ MomNMore
And as the mother of an addict who is now a more or less responsible adult, a single mother with her own place, and a full-time job, I can tell you that all the talk in the world will not change a thing. There is nothing you can tell him that he cannot turn around, there is no statistic or high-profile death that will get through to him if he isn't ready to hear it. In fact, you will find that quite the opposite is true - the more you try to discuss addiction with him, the more he will resent you and your research. The reason to get educated is for YOU, so that YOU know what's what, not to convince him.
The reason we are all here on the Family board is because we all came seeking help for our troubled loved one, not recognizing that their problems had come to dominate our lives in an unhealthy and unmanageable way. Ultimately we have come to recognize that the only person we can change is ourselves. So what are you doing for YOU?
Peace ~ MomNMore
you are just at the beginning of this journey and there is a lot to learn and experience, time after time i didnt follow advice given here and wished I had, I thought my son was different, extenuating circumstances...etc only to find that addiction is addiction..my son is 28 and currently in jail after i turned him in twice for using heroin in my house while on probation for heroin....he didnt start out that way, he started less scary a decade ago, it just spiralled to this...so i do understand your position, but read some of the archived material when moms in particular come here looking to help these adult children only to find the best help is NOT helping...been there, done that, still struggling with it
Sorry, I know I am new to this site, but I completely disagree.
Yes, he is an adult, but a very, young adult. He has not grown up with this way of life, by that I mean he hasnt had parents with substance issues (as far as I am aware).
Right now intervention - talk, reasoning (acknowledged reasoning, letting him know you know the facts and, to some extent, understand) WILL help. Surely that is better than letting him carry on doing whatever...
Leaving him to 'his thing' is the wrong attitude right now, its too early. Later, perhaps, but not just now..
Yes, he is an adult, but a very, young adult. He has not grown up with this way of life, by that I mean he hasnt had parents with substance issues (as far as I am aware).
Right now intervention - talk, reasoning (acknowledged reasoning, letting him know you know the facts and, to some extent, understand) WILL help. Surely that is better than letting him carry on doing whatever...
Leaving him to 'his thing' is the wrong attitude right now, its too early. Later, perhaps, but not just now..
Your son is an addict and no matter what else may be going on with him mentally, there will at this time be no way to gauge anything, what might be real, not real until he stops using everything
Also he is an adult , he is very capable of finding his way if he is allowed toand paying his way as well.
I will respectfully disagree with spaghetti
As I see it, each time, from day one a parent jumps in to help, trying to reason with, or cushion the fall fix something, or smooth things over, remove a record, pay off, beg for as so their child does not get in trouble, or a bad reputation they take learning awaythey also give this twisted gift of time for the child to take a breath, regroup and find a way around, a way to accept the hell a bit moreessentially helping them to fall further in.
Oh and for all you think you might know, I can tell you flat out you dont know a tenth of the truthbut then he probably doesnt eitherdenial runs nicely on both sides.
Addiction is not something that is rational, you can not make it make sense so you must keep it simplehe is an addict, he is a big boy and no matter how he acts it is not a bad thing to treat him as such. Allow him to make the decisions, allow him to live and learn from any consequences good and or bad that may come from those decisions. The learning their way is so necessary for them to be able to get it, what you want him to see
Is there a guaranteenope, not at all, and while that may be depressing of suckthat doesnt mean you miss anything, or lose hope or stay stuck in your own right in gloom and doom scenarios unless that is what you choose to do.
There is no control, no one at all can tell you what will be in a week, a month or a yearI am big on just loving, respecting their choice to live how they want and letting go. It is all I know because it is what I did with my son
Watch the blame too, I highly doubt you son was in too many places or instances without first putting himself there
Read and read some moreon enabling, codependency, addiction
Seek out help for you, encourage your family to do the same
And take good care of yourself!
Oh and spaghetti, in time when you have that conversation with your children. There is something important that we tend to miss. Make sure you tell them there is addiction in the family, that they might use thinking just party timebut then aint that always the wayand it may light something else, or shut something down and in that moment the choices will real quick become a need. They have no way of knowing what will be
Also he is an adult , he is very capable of finding his way if he is allowed toand paying his way as well.
I will respectfully disagree with spaghetti
As I see it, each time, from day one a parent jumps in to help, trying to reason with, or cushion the fall fix something, or smooth things over, remove a record, pay off, beg for as so their child does not get in trouble, or a bad reputation they take learning awaythey also give this twisted gift of time for the child to take a breath, regroup and find a way around, a way to accept the hell a bit moreessentially helping them to fall further in.
Oh and for all you think you might know, I can tell you flat out you dont know a tenth of the truthbut then he probably doesnt eitherdenial runs nicely on both sides.
Addiction is not something that is rational, you can not make it make sense so you must keep it simplehe is an addict, he is a big boy and no matter how he acts it is not a bad thing to treat him as such. Allow him to make the decisions, allow him to live and learn from any consequences good and or bad that may come from those decisions. The learning their way is so necessary for them to be able to get it, what you want him to see
Is there a guaranteenope, not at all, and while that may be depressing of suckthat doesnt mean you miss anything, or lose hope or stay stuck in your own right in gloom and doom scenarios unless that is what you choose to do.
There is no control, no one at all can tell you what will be in a week, a month or a yearI am big on just loving, respecting their choice to live how they want and letting go. It is all I know because it is what I did with my son
Watch the blame too, I highly doubt you son was in too many places or instances without first putting himself there
Read and read some moreon enabling, codependency, addiction
Seek out help for you, encourage your family to do the same
And take good care of yourself!
Oh and spaghetti, in time when you have that conversation with your children. There is something important that we tend to miss. Make sure you tell them there is addiction in the family, that they might use thinking just party timebut then aint that always the wayand it may light something else, or shut something down and in that moment the choices will real quick become a need. They have no way of knowing what will be
Hi there,
I do not want to get into an argument on this, you must acknowledge everyone has differnt opinions.
Ofcourse I will tell my children addiction runs in the family, that is why the future conversation became important to me in the first place.
I am not blaming anyone for addiction. Yes, it is an illness, but there is a lot than can be done before it gets out of hand. Not trying to intervene because it 'takes their learning away' is perhaps plausible/understanable when they are much further down the road, not at the early stages.
I do not want to get into an argument on this, you must acknowledge everyone has differnt opinions.
Ofcourse I will tell my children addiction runs in the family, that is why the future conversation became important to me in the first place.
I am not blaming anyone for addiction. Yes, it is an illness, but there is a lot than can be done before it gets out of hand. Not trying to intervene because it 'takes their learning away' is perhaps plausible/understanable when they are much further down the road, not at the early stages.
Speaking from personal experience (my daughter is a recovering addict/alcoholic for 20 years now -- only truly recovering for the past 10 months of that time).... talk all you want, share all the information you want, put them in court ordered rehab, beg, cry, plead, excuse, help, enable, do what your heart tells you to, and maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones.... but for the most part, an addict will keep using until they decide to quit and that usually doesn't happen until we let go & allow them to participate in their own consequences. At some point, if all of the above doesn't work, your own life becomes unmanageable and insane from trying to control, and you will realize, as many of us have, that you cannot control another person or their choices. But at least you can say, "I tried everything to help".
Some of us (like me) lived in the unmanageability & insanity (of our own lives from trying to control and enabling) longer than others.
I would highly recommend some books for you: Codependent No More, and The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie -- and please find alanon or naranon meetings & attend.
I'm sorry for your situation. There are many of us here with the same story.
We have a saying around here: You can get off the elevator at any floor, you don't have to go all the way down.
I am going to bump up a post called Let Me Fall, please read it.
Some of us (like me) lived in the unmanageability & insanity (of our own lives from trying to control and enabling) longer than others.
I would highly recommend some books for you: Codependent No More, and The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie -- and please find alanon or naranon meetings & attend.
I'm sorry for your situation. There are many of us here with the same story.
We have a saying around here: You can get off the elevator at any floor, you don't have to go all the way down.
I am going to bump up a post called Let Me Fall, please read it.
I guess 'early stages' requires defining. Two years ago she found out he was carrying a med-pot card, before that, who knows. Tina, that business about not knowing a tenth of it...so true..if we know anything, we do NOT know most, nor should we, it's the stuff of crazy-making.
momforsons, my daughter is not your son, nor is Tina's son, nor anyone else's, but we share our experiences to give some idea of where this is likely to go. Too often people, parents and addicts alike, feel their situation, their child, is terminally unique...a 'special case'...we are all special cases, but not really. There are several mothers here who can tell you that by 22 YO the addiction was in full control, full force...age has little to do with it. In fact, their brains are still developing until age 25, and many experts believe that the the claws get in deeper and more rapidly. Youth IS on their side in that when they 'get it' early on they have tools to help dig themselves out of difficulties later on, and maybe will want a shot at the life they see others having. Youth is against them in that they are immortal at that age...bulletproof...plenty of time to stop later. My daughter by 22 had been in full blown addiction for 5 years...had OUI'ed, been in jail, been in long-term rehab at 17, been to detox twice (or maybe thrice) for heroin addiciton, and had been homeless because we could no longer 'help' her...our 'help' was keeping her from facing the consequences of her decisions - both good and bad. I try not to say "we kicked her out" because it wasn't like that...we offered her a choice: to stay and get into detox and then some sort of program, but no shooting or carrying dope into the house, or to leave and keep using...she chose to leave. We loved her through it, kept telling her she could do the next right thing, kept faith that she would get where she needed to be. She did, but not all do. Letting them be responsible for themselves is not a punishment, it is an act of kindness and respect...it is trusting them to grow up.
It isn't easy, but it's necessary...I remember my husband saying, "I have no faith that she'll get out," and I remember that feeling myself. But we just kept having our lives, loving her...that's all...and it's enough.
Read some stuff here...the archives of the family board. Here's a small part of our story:http://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...we+get+it+right
which happened after I had been in recovery for awhile from my addiction to HER...there are many other stories worth reading. And just because your son is not doing heroin, doesn't mean this doesn't apply...it's not the drug, it's the person...my girl started smoking pot, drinking to black out and then abusing anti-anxiety meds...next cocaine, then heroin. Read momg's story, too.
And remember, the nature of this thing is that they may want to stop, but find each day that they can't...not yet anyway...don't give up before the miracle happens...letting go is not the same as giving up.
Peace ~ MomNMore
momforsons, my daughter is not your son, nor is Tina's son, nor anyone else's, but we share our experiences to give some idea of where this is likely to go. Too often people, parents and addicts alike, feel their situation, their child, is terminally unique...a 'special case'...we are all special cases, but not really. There are several mothers here who can tell you that by 22 YO the addiction was in full control, full force...age has little to do with it. In fact, their brains are still developing until age 25, and many experts believe that the the claws get in deeper and more rapidly. Youth IS on their side in that when they 'get it' early on they have tools to help dig themselves out of difficulties later on, and maybe will want a shot at the life they see others having. Youth is against them in that they are immortal at that age...bulletproof...plenty of time to stop later. My daughter by 22 had been in full blown addiction for 5 years...had OUI'ed, been in jail, been in long-term rehab at 17, been to detox twice (or maybe thrice) for heroin addiciton, and had been homeless because we could no longer 'help' her...our 'help' was keeping her from facing the consequences of her decisions - both good and bad. I try not to say "we kicked her out" because it wasn't like that...we offered her a choice: to stay and get into detox and then some sort of program, but no shooting or carrying dope into the house, or to leave and keep using...she chose to leave. We loved her through it, kept telling her she could do the next right thing, kept faith that she would get where she needed to be. She did, but not all do. Letting them be responsible for themselves is not a punishment, it is an act of kindness and respect...it is trusting them to grow up.
It isn't easy, but it's necessary...I remember my husband saying, "I have no faith that she'll get out," and I remember that feeling myself. But we just kept having our lives, loving her...that's all...and it's enough.
Read some stuff here...the archives of the family board. Here's a small part of our story:http://www.addictionrecoveryguide.o...we+get+it+right
which happened after I had been in recovery for awhile from my addiction to HER...there are many other stories worth reading. And just because your son is not doing heroin, doesn't mean this doesn't apply...it's not the drug, it's the person...my girl started smoking pot, drinking to black out and then abusing anti-anxiety meds...next cocaine, then heroin. Read momg's story, too.
And remember, the nature of this thing is that they may want to stop, but find each day that they can't...not yet anyway...don't give up before the miracle happens...letting go is not the same as giving up.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Welcome M4sons,
You're in the right place. Keep reading, keep educating yourself, keep asking questions, keep coming back.
It's a process & a journey. Each one of us has different specifics but the generalities are about the same. I'm actually an alcoholic/addict in recovery with a son in active addiction. I also am a mother to 3 other children who are actively participating in life without having to use drugs or alcohol to cope.
For me, my son's story from my perspective, started with weed & alcohol around 13yrs old and it progressed fast & furious to smoking meth & inhalents. By 15 he had a couple misdeamenor charges & a lot of court appearances, probation. At 16yrs old he picked up his 1st felony & time in juvenille hall. By 18yrs old, he had been in & out of juvie 4 times, been on the run, was in a couple different group homes, lived at the creek. He's now 21yrs old, his drug of choice is smoking meth but any chemical will do if it'll get him high, he picked up another felony, has done county jail time a couple times, probation, violations of probation....The insanity just continues and the sad part for my son is his brain chemistry is fried, he's got meth pyschosis and he's delusional at times.
I did what LAC posted above, I tried EVERYTHING plus a couple other things until I was sick, so sick & neglecting my other children & my husband. I was killing myself trying to "fix" or "save" my son. I let go back around when he was 17yrs old, I had a HUGE moment of clarity and as much as it is hard to watch him spiral, it's his life and he's 21yrs old and I have no power to stop or change what he's doing but it's ALL his. The probation hearings, the court appearances, the fines, the jail time, all of it is his and honestly, today, I just pray for him.
Nothing changes if nothing changes so I changed.
Again, welcome, you're in the right spot.
Take care of yourself~
Stacey
You're in the right place. Keep reading, keep educating yourself, keep asking questions, keep coming back.
It's a process & a journey. Each one of us has different specifics but the generalities are about the same. I'm actually an alcoholic/addict in recovery with a son in active addiction. I also am a mother to 3 other children who are actively participating in life without having to use drugs or alcohol to cope.
For me, my son's story from my perspective, started with weed & alcohol around 13yrs old and it progressed fast & furious to smoking meth & inhalents. By 15 he had a couple misdeamenor charges & a lot of court appearances, probation. At 16yrs old he picked up his 1st felony & time in juvenille hall. By 18yrs old, he had been in & out of juvie 4 times, been on the run, was in a couple different group homes, lived at the creek. He's now 21yrs old, his drug of choice is smoking meth but any chemical will do if it'll get him high, he picked up another felony, has done county jail time a couple times, probation, violations of probation....The insanity just continues and the sad part for my son is his brain chemistry is fried, he's got meth pyschosis and he's delusional at times.
I did what LAC posted above, I tried EVERYTHING plus a couple other things until I was sick, so sick & neglecting my other children & my husband. I was killing myself trying to "fix" or "save" my son. I let go back around when he was 17yrs old, I had a HUGE moment of clarity and as much as it is hard to watch him spiral, it's his life and he's 21yrs old and I have no power to stop or change what he's doing but it's ALL his. The probation hearings, the court appearances, the fines, the jail time, all of it is his and honestly, today, I just pray for him.
Nothing changes if nothing changes so I changed.
Again, welcome, you're in the right spot.
Take care of yourself~
Stacey
Momforsons..your story is so much like all of ours with our children, although a couple of us here are also addicts in recovery in addition to having children with addiction issues.
Every story is different, but none unique. Bottom line is this..you have to do what you have to do in order to help your child. Some try until they run out of options and the problem starts to infect and affect thier own lives so they stop. They don't stop loving thier child, they just can't help them anymore without it taking them down. Some never stop trying. For good, bad or worse, some just can't let go and will move heaven and earth to save thier child. Some of us get lucky. I did. My son is clean and sober now almost a year. But, it almost destroyed me in the process. I almost lost my clean time because of it. I just wasn't willing to give up. My son was young, 20 when all this started and although he may be an adult, his maturation stopped when he started using drugs. He hadn't matured past highschool mentality.
You'll get alot of good advice here and you have to pick what you need and leave the rest. But one thing is for sure, the mom's here are smart people and have been to hell and back...they know what they're talking about.
Every story is different, but none unique. Bottom line is this..you have to do what you have to do in order to help your child. Some try until they run out of options and the problem starts to infect and affect thier own lives so they stop. They don't stop loving thier child, they just can't help them anymore without it taking them down. Some never stop trying. For good, bad or worse, some just can't let go and will move heaven and earth to save thier child. Some of us get lucky. I did. My son is clean and sober now almost a year. But, it almost destroyed me in the process. I almost lost my clean time because of it. I just wasn't willing to give up. My son was young, 20 when all this started and although he may be an adult, his maturation stopped when he started using drugs. He hadn't matured past highschool mentality.
You'll get alot of good advice here and you have to pick what you need and leave the rest. But one thing is for sure, the mom's here are smart people and have been to hell and back...they know what they're talking about.
Hello Momforsons,
My adult daughter is a heroin addict (currently non-using due to court program) and I have been where you are right now. The thing I find to be the toughest is that it's my child who is addicted, and not a relative or a spouse. I would find it easier to let go of someone other than my kid. I know this sounds crazy, but there is a pull and tug of your heartstrings when it's your own flesh and blood. This has gotten me into a lot of unhealthy enabling over the years, and I have to constantly pull myself back when I start getting back into her problems too deep.
In retrospect, I did way too much for her, tried to "cure" her, excused too much bad behavior, etc. I kept thinking if I found just the right combination then I could unlock the answer to her addiction and she would be OK. The problem was me trying to work a program of recovery for her. It only made things worse.
We mothers always think our kids are special, just confused, need guidance and support, and then they'll see the light of day and quit screwing up their lives with drugs. We end up living our lives in chaos, trying to control a situation that they need to work on to initiate a positive change. It is so hard, but we need to get out of the way and let things happen, let consequences occur so they can see the need to get clean. If they choose to continue using, then it's on them, and they can live with the chaos they have created.
The defining crystal-clear moment for me was when my daughter had to go to court for drug possession. Of course I bailed her out, made sure she looked neat and presentable for the judge, and sat there like the dutiful mother by her side. Then, they brought in the other arrested addicts, in jail jumpsuits shackled together with belly chains looking dirty and disheveled, and it hit me......my daughter is not special. She is just like these people, except that she looks clean and is not in shackles. It was then that I realized that addiction affects people regardless of their station in life. This really made me see that no matter what I did to help her, she would not clean up and change her life unless she did it herself.
I hope and pray that you find some crystal-clear moment when you realize that there is little you can do other than encourage your son to get help, stick with it, and change his life. It is not easy for mothers to let things go, but it is necessary. Keep posting, as there is a lot of good support here.
My adult daughter is a heroin addict (currently non-using due to court program) and I have been where you are right now. The thing I find to be the toughest is that it's my child who is addicted, and not a relative or a spouse. I would find it easier to let go of someone other than my kid. I know this sounds crazy, but there is a pull and tug of your heartstrings when it's your own flesh and blood. This has gotten me into a lot of unhealthy enabling over the years, and I have to constantly pull myself back when I start getting back into her problems too deep.
In retrospect, I did way too much for her, tried to "cure" her, excused too much bad behavior, etc. I kept thinking if I found just the right combination then I could unlock the answer to her addiction and she would be OK. The problem was me trying to work a program of recovery for her. It only made things worse.
We mothers always think our kids are special, just confused, need guidance and support, and then they'll see the light of day and quit screwing up their lives with drugs. We end up living our lives in chaos, trying to control a situation that they need to work on to initiate a positive change. It is so hard, but we need to get out of the way and let things happen, let consequences occur so they can see the need to get clean. If they choose to continue using, then it's on them, and they can live with the chaos they have created.
The defining crystal-clear moment for me was when my daughter had to go to court for drug possession. Of course I bailed her out, made sure she looked neat and presentable for the judge, and sat there like the dutiful mother by her side. Then, they brought in the other arrested addicts, in jail jumpsuits shackled together with belly chains looking dirty and disheveled, and it hit me......my daughter is not special. She is just like these people, except that she looks clean and is not in shackles. It was then that I realized that addiction affects people regardless of their station in life. This really made me see that no matter what I did to help her, she would not clean up and change her life unless she did it herself.
I hope and pray that you find some crystal-clear moment when you realize that there is little you can do other than encourage your son to get help, stick with it, and change his life. It is not easy for mothers to let things go, but it is necessary. Keep posting, as there is a lot of good support here.
i just bought and read addict in the family by beverly conyers short, to the point and so so accurate..i would recommend this short read it is an educational one
Thank you all for caring. Everyone's advice has been meaningful in different ways.
I wanted to let you know that my son agreed to check in to a recovery center for 30 days. The journey is just beginning but this is the first step towards what I hope will be a full and lasting recovery.
His father and I pretty much convinced him we were going to stop enabling him and as he looked hard at his life he realized this option was the only one that made any sense.
As you've all said it's ultimately up to him to make the change in his life. We are doing what we can to be supportative but let him be responsible for the outcome and consequences good or bad.
I wish the best for all of you and your families
I wanted to let you know that my son agreed to check in to a recovery center for 30 days. The journey is just beginning but this is the first step towards what I hope will be a full and lasting recovery.
His father and I pretty much convinced him we were going to stop enabling him and as he looked hard at his life he realized this option was the only one that made any sense.
As you've all said it's ultimately up to him to make the change in his life. We are doing what we can to be supportative but let him be responsible for the outcome and consequences good or bad.
I wish the best for all of you and your families
Let us know how things turn out...the board will still be here in 30 days. Once my daughter got into recovery (which didn't take the first few times) I realized I had lots of work to do on me and kept coming back here to do that work. Just a thought...maybe you'd like to stay and do something for you.
Best to you ~ MomNMore
Best to you ~ MomNMore
I pray it works out for all of you
My son was 3yrs old when a dog bit his rigth side of his head open we were told that there was nothing wrong with him. At 15 he started smoking marijana and tried to commit sucide he was in a coma for 5days and doctors had no hope that he will live but with Gods grace he did we find out he han temperol lobe epilepsy due to the dog bite and bipolar at 16 he had to beput in a dual rehab for addicts and mental patient inside the rehab he learnt about other drugs like cat lsd and had his first taste in there also starting cutting himself after doctor to to doctor the put him on 6 differnt tablets which worked for 3months and then off to the next doctor at age 19 my son got arrestedd formarijana and that was my worst nightmare that my lovely son could go tojail I pleaded with the cops and they let him go I put him in another rehab and he came out and stayed clean for 18 mpnths in the meantime he couldn't keep his jobs and he wanted to become a writer but he kept on getting fits and end up in clinics which un beknown to me he made friends with people that intruduced him to cat and cocaiane when I reliased what was going on I put him in a christian secondary home where hje stayed 3months and then amonth ago he got his first herion kick I then put him in a 24 day program he was clean for 23 days tjhe last night somebody arrange more herion for him. Ihave now send him to a farm where they have a 6 months program he is 22 yrs and he has been there 1 week and I have no contact my hart ache for my sons pain confusion an longing to belong I am hurt Angry dispointed but I can never give up God has given us these children with a purpose and if we give up the end up dead or in jail
