Hello, I'm sorry for your pain. None of us here give up, we let go and when we do they often get better. But even if they don't, we do. All of us love our addicted or recovering children, but most have stopped forcing them into rehabs they don't want and are not ready for. Rehabs are great when they get themselves in and ask for help...not so much when they do it because we 'make' them or because they'll do anything to get us to leave them be. I sincerely hope your son finds his way, and i hope even more that you find yours. It is possible to be happy and have lives of our own even when they choose badly.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Thank you very much I want to believe that I will never give up
But what do u do when u reach the end when each rehab his been 2
Has help to experience different drugs instead of getting clean and heal
He is only 22 and hAs 2 beautiful girls of 1 year And 4 yrs. He has always been bullied
And his relationship with his dad was terrible he hAs no self esteem and his illness makes it worst
My only hope is 2 pray and believe that God has a plan for hjis life
But what do u do when u reach the end when each rehab his been 2
Has help to experience different drugs instead of getting clean and heal
He is only 22 and hAs 2 beautiful girls of 1 year And 4 yrs. He has always been bullied
And his relationship with his dad was terrible he hAs no self esteem and his illness makes it worst
My only hope is 2 pray and believe that God has a plan for hjis life
no matter what the circumstances i think all you have is prayer, it is the only thing that has ever made a difference for us, each rehab, each od, each jail we have HOPED was the difference, doesnt matter what we hope and wish, it is ultimately up to him and God..maybe my son and yours will never be clean, maybe they will but it isnt up to us, sadly
Well if 'rehab' hasn't worked then why keep doing it? Your son's story is not so different from most. My daughter was bullied, cut herself, had low self-esteem, once diagnosed bi-polar (turns out to be drug-abuse induced), hospitalized in the psyche ward, hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, hospitalized with a heroin overdose...all of it. Now she is a 24 year-old mother of a 1 year old, working full time, living on her own with her son, and talking about going back to school. None of that happened until we stopped making excuses for her, stopped solving her problems for her, and stopped looking for something 'wrong' with her. There comes a point when our 'help' stops being helpful and starts being part of the problem.
He may not survive his addictions, but that's not for us to know. I had to accept that, too. We have been where you are and understand your fear, but the whirlwind of activity is not changing anything...start taking care of you.
Peace ~ MomNMore
He may not survive his addictions, but that's not for us to know. I had to accept that, too. We have been where you are and understand your fear, but the whirlwind of activity is not changing anything...start taking care of you.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Please tell me what did u do to make her turn her life around
There is no magic wand and no silver bullet. The sad fact is you can't make them quit. You can make yourself sick and crazy trying. We think we need to do something. The last thing that is always tried is just stepping out of the way and living life again. No cushions to soften the fall. No excuses for why they do what they do. No more money for (fill in your favorite reason here).
I hit a point where I had to go on living for me. Had nothing to do with trying to get my daughter to stop. I turned her life over to her. I was fine for 2 years before my daughter ever stopped. But the goal at that point was never to get her to stop. I was no longer enjoying work or anything else in my life. Making excuses on why I couldn't do things.
Just like we can't make our loved ones stop using. We can't make others here see. You will do what you feel is best for you. But take a moment each week doing something you have stopped doing or stopped enjoying. Just lose yourself in enjoying life again. Life is too short to hide in the house by the phone just in case.
I hit a point where I had to go on living for me. Had nothing to do with trying to get my daughter to stop. I turned her life over to her. I was fine for 2 years before my daughter ever stopped. But the goal at that point was never to get her to stop. I was no longer enjoying work or anything else in my life. Making excuses on why I couldn't do things.
Just like we can't make our loved ones stop using. We can't make others here see. You will do what you feel is best for you. But take a moment each week doing something you have stopped doing or stopped enjoying. Just lose yourself in enjoying life again. Life is too short to hide in the house by the phone just in case.
Just skimmed posts - and what i am about to say may be controversial...
In my opnion most addiction is caused by parents - ie. gentical or social upbringing...
Of course there are exceptions, but i believe its either biology, or somewhere along the lines SOMETHING has happened in their upbringing.
In my case it was both.
Yet , I had one parent who had no problems and I did come (largely) from a middleclss background.
My point is, with all this chat about whose fault it is and differing opinions etc & the opinion that you have to let people reach rock bottom...
People reach rock bottom for a reason, when, like i was talking about earlier, they have no-one to really talk too, no role models, and whoever their loved ones are should not sitting around saying this is fine, they will finally SNAP WHEN THEY REACH ROCK BOTTOM, that is crap!
Perphaps they dont want to talk to YOU because they feel embarrassed, hurt, guilty, whatever.......but they will feel something, and at rock bottom they will feel the same, so maybe it is better to try to catch them before they end up there...
In my opnion most addiction is caused by parents - ie. gentical or social upbringing...
Of course there are exceptions, but i believe its either biology, or somewhere along the lines SOMETHING has happened in their upbringing.
In my case it was both.
Yet , I had one parent who had no problems and I did come (largely) from a middleclss background.
My point is, with all this chat about whose fault it is and differing opinions etc & the opinion that you have to let people reach rock bottom...
People reach rock bottom for a reason, when, like i was talking about earlier, they have no-one to really talk too, no role models, and whoever their loved ones are should not sitting around saying this is fine, they will finally SNAP WHEN THEY REACH ROCK BOTTOM, that is crap!
Perphaps they dont want to talk to YOU because they feel embarrassed, hurt, guilty, whatever.......but they will feel something, and at rock bottom they will feel the same, so maybe it is better to try to catch them before they end up there...
| QUOTE |
| Please tell me what did u do to make her turn her life around |
I didn't do anything, SHE did it....we just realized that we couldn't do anything to "make her turn her life around". All we did after five years of insanity was stop making excuses, stop throwing money at her problems, and stop telling her she was broken...told her that we had done and said everything that needed doing and saying and that we loved her, would always love her, and that we knew she could do the next right thing, she had the strength. Some would say we 'raised her bottom' by letting her feel the full weight of her decisions, no longer taking care of the things she needed to take care of herself. All the doing and doing only robs them of the opportunity and growing that comes from doing for oneself.
It isn't easy, but it gets easier...all we have to do is start doing the things we enjoy (remember those?) and living our lives as we want to. We never withdrew our support and never shut her out emotionally...I left her messages daily telling her I loved her and knew she would get where she wanted to be. She didn't call much, but let us know she was safe (or as safe as a pretty young heroin addict could be)...and then she let us know when she'd had enough.
As for parents being to blame...it's very convenient for both the parent and the addict to accept that...it plays right into the whole family sickness (this is a family disease, no one is left unscathed) plays into the parents' biggest fears that it's all our fault, and plays to the addict's avoidance of responsibility for his/her own actions, decisions, and choices. Parents don't 'cause' addiciton even if family dysfunction makes avoidance of pain through susbstance abuse an attractive option. When we all start looking at our own stuff and stop pointing fingers, that's when things get better for all concerned...or at least for those who are looking for a solution and some personal peace instead of for a scapegoat.
Do something, one little thing for yourself this week, something unrelated to your son...it's really okay to take care of ourselves...in fact, it shows them by example.
Peace ~ MomNMore
PS Excellent post as always HD...we miss you.
These people here are wise...listen to them....they've been through it all, heard it all...I follow the families board from over on the Heroin board...I learn alot from the people here...
your son can only do it for himself when he is ready to do it....nothing...and I mean nothing will ever change his mind until he wants to do it...no amount of talk, videos, u tube, rehab or counsleing will do it...let go...its the only way...an let these people here carry u and teach u how to do it, they will help u become strong enough to do it....Ive been a addict since I was 10...beleive me...it doesnt matter what type of drugs it is...its always always the same...let go...let him go until he is ready
Good luck and blessings
Constantine
your son can only do it for himself when he is ready to do it....nothing...and I mean nothing will ever change his mind until he wants to do it...no amount of talk, videos, u tube, rehab or counsleing will do it...let go...its the only way...an let these people here carry u and teach u how to do it, they will help u become strong enough to do it....Ive been a addict since I was 10...beleive me...it doesnt matter what type of drugs it is...its always always the same...let go...let him go until he is ready
Good luck and blessings
Constantine
Hi everybody,
Thank you so much for all they advice, I have already decided that this is the last I cannot protect him anymore. Spaghetti u r right it is my fault I felt guilty
that he was born out of wedlock
That his biologica" father wanted nothing to do with us
That his stepdad that I married when he was 3 did not love him and emotiopnal abused him
That a dog bit his head open when he was 3 and caused mental ilness and epilepsy
That he was bullied at school
That he nearly died after trying 2 kill himself and ended in acoma for 5 days
The biggest thing I am guilty of is throwing my life and my marriage away and lived
At his beck and call because I felt guilty.
My life was as follows
Always taking his side as "it was npt his fault
From age 4 to 12 never let him out of my side even in public toilet as I was scared he was going to
Be. Molested
If my huisband and I went out alone and he phones in a middle of a movie or show I would get up and fetch him
I nearly lost my job for always having to leave work as he was having fits or being upset
Went out any time of the day or night to fetch if he is upset
Always had to drive his friends all over as he would volunteer m
Always made excuses at school when he was in trouble
Loolk after his baby girl wich was bprn when he was in matric and nopw he has another
One 1 year
We r very close and he says he will be nothing without me but I don't believe in words he needs to
Show me he blames me for always doing everything for him and his stephdad for emptional abuse
I had enough I will help him if he wants to be help but on my terms
I am always sitting at the phone waitiong to help him getting in my car and drive kilometres to help him
Never have money as we pay R5000 pm for his accomdation and he always need clothes etc.
I am 48 yrs old andx never had alive my life was my son itS all about choices and icannot make that for him anymore or protect him
Thank you so much for all they advice, I have already decided that this is the last I cannot protect him anymore. Spaghetti u r right it is my fault I felt guilty
that he was born out of wedlock
That his biologica" father wanted nothing to do with us
That his stepdad that I married when he was 3 did not love him and emotiopnal abused him
That a dog bit his head open when he was 3 and caused mental ilness and epilepsy
That he was bullied at school
That he nearly died after trying 2 kill himself and ended in acoma for 5 days
The biggest thing I am guilty of is throwing my life and my marriage away and lived
At his beck and call because I felt guilty.
My life was as follows
Always taking his side as "it was npt his fault
From age 4 to 12 never let him out of my side even in public toilet as I was scared he was going to
Be. Molested
If my huisband and I went out alone and he phones in a middle of a movie or show I would get up and fetch him
I nearly lost my job for always having to leave work as he was having fits or being upset
Went out any time of the day or night to fetch if he is upset
Always had to drive his friends all over as he would volunteer m
Always made excuses at school when he was in trouble
Loolk after his baby girl wich was bprn when he was in matric and nopw he has another
One 1 year
We r very close and he says he will be nothing without me but I don't believe in words he needs to
Show me he blames me for always doing everything for him and his stephdad for emptional abuse
I had enough I will help him if he wants to be help but on my terms
I am always sitting at the phone waitiong to help him getting in my car and drive kilometres to help him
Never have money as we pay R5000 pm for his accomdation and he always need clothes etc.
I am 48 yrs old andx never had alive my life was my son itS all about choices and icannot make that for him anymore or protect him
Hi every one just to let u know that never give up mom and prisciila is tjhE same person I. Could not remeber how to log in so I had to reregister
Please can u let me know where u all are from as I am in south africa and comes from the very strict And concervitive afrikaans culture.
God bless
Never give up mom
Please can u let me know where u all are from as I am in south africa and comes from the very strict And concervitive afrikaans culture.
God bless
Never give up mom
many of us did or are doing the same thing as you, something about the parent thing makes us feel that we are the base of all their joy, all their problems..all their life regardless of circumstances growing up..drugs are their choice and their choice to decide to stop, i tried alot of the same things, talk, pleading, guilt, utubes, bartering,punishment, gifts, vacations...you know what? he found a way to use in Mexico, went to the ballgame in Detroit and stopped and bought heroin on the street, passed out in a parking lot with a 1 yr old in the backseat,on and on and somehow I either pretended it didnt really happen or made an excuse why it did...really? my son is a drug addict he will do or say anything to get high and he played me most because i played back..he is in jail this time because I set boundaries, he crossed them and i turned him in, sometimes I feel a twinge of guilt, most times i feel safe, i know he is safe and alive and i am doing some things i havent done in a very very long time.....living my life
Yup, Priscilla, I did lots of that rescuing stuff, too...but that is not what made my daughter an addict. Maybe it made her want to escape from having to be who she was, but there are many escape routes - music, sports, books, etc...she chose drugs and that's not on me.
This is counterproductive thinking that doesn't help him one bit, except that it gives him the power to manipulate your feelings and plays to that guilt...him telling you he is nothing without you is a pitch perfect example of that manipulation...he really knows how to push your buttons, but of course, we teach them that. The very best thing that you can do for yourself is to forgive yourself for any real or imagined wrongs and move on. He is a 22 year old MAN...old enough to have two children of his own...you do him no favors in perpetuating this notion that you are to blame - it gives him just the out he needs to make it about something other than himself.
But enough about him...what are you going to do for YOU? YOU count, YOU matter, YOU deserve to be happy.
Peace ~ MomNMore
| QUOTE |
| u r right it is my fault ... |
This is counterproductive thinking that doesn't help him one bit, except that it gives him the power to manipulate your feelings and plays to that guilt...him telling you he is nothing without you is a pitch perfect example of that manipulation...he really knows how to push your buttons, but of course, we teach them that. The very best thing that you can do for yourself is to forgive yourself for any real or imagined wrongs and move on. He is a 22 year old MAN...old enough to have two children of his own...you do him no favors in perpetuating this notion that you are to blame - it gives him just the out he needs to make it about something other than himself.
But enough about him...what are you going to do for YOU? YOU count, YOU matter, YOU deserve to be happy.
Peace ~ MomNMore
It is very convenient for both sides to play the blame game, victims do run rampant in this...
And a lot of what happens on either side is very much ruled by the past, childhood is one of the biggest reasons why and how many react...But and this is big...
From me is becomes a once they come in and you know they are an addict and continue to play the game, continue to sit in denial, now you are part of the problem. but even that has a dynamics that is complicated, as addiction in one complicated disease...I have never subscribed to a "didn't cause" mentality and I can't. But I in no way will take responsibility for my child's addiction, but I will take responsibility for how I acted in it, and I will reflect and make amends cause that is just me about his past as a child. I know where I dropped the ball, but then I know where I educated and where I tried to give him the best chance at growing into adulthood and being responsible.
I might have raised bottom. With my son I let him make the choice to use and did not interfere with it. I knew it was his best chance to make it out, that there was a lot of learning to be had when you live it your way. There was no question in my mind what enabling did, what covering up did, what the secrets created. I refused to play the game, but I also totally respected him no matter how he acted and loved him just as he was. It isn't easy but it is very doable.
I have been on that receiving end and that has been the best gift in this. To know what it feels like to be looked at with total unconditional love and with total disgust. I never forgot the pain the disgust created, and how my mother tried and still swears to this day I stopped using cause of her and what she did...It isn't like that, and will never be like that. I can honestly say no amount of beatings, bloodshed, ridicule, bargaining, bantering ( but it made great fuel, which poses the question do you need to be fuel like that)...no amount of love, covering for me, lying for me, protecting me fixed me...but when he removed her well that seemed to make a huge difference...in a need way. I still used, just as bad, progressing on but some hopelessness was gone.
I stopped because somewhere in me I knew what I loved and what I couldn't live without in terms of drugs but I also knew that it would kill me. At the point I was just gonna do it myself, but well as I say it might be good the bugs weren't talking to help edge me on because all I needed was someone to confirm yes if I jumped would I definitely die. I couldn't get a guarantee, not such a bad thing looking at it all now.
Let your son go, all you have to do it you must do something is love him just as is, he is capable of doing the rest and finding a wonderful life...
And a lot of what happens on either side is very much ruled by the past, childhood is one of the biggest reasons why and how many react...But and this is big...
From me is becomes a once they come in and you know they are an addict and continue to play the game, continue to sit in denial, now you are part of the problem. but even that has a dynamics that is complicated, as addiction in one complicated disease...I have never subscribed to a "didn't cause" mentality and I can't. But I in no way will take responsibility for my child's addiction, but I will take responsibility for how I acted in it, and I will reflect and make amends cause that is just me about his past as a child. I know where I dropped the ball, but then I know where I educated and where I tried to give him the best chance at growing into adulthood and being responsible.
I might have raised bottom. With my son I let him make the choice to use and did not interfere with it. I knew it was his best chance to make it out, that there was a lot of learning to be had when you live it your way. There was no question in my mind what enabling did, what covering up did, what the secrets created. I refused to play the game, but I also totally respected him no matter how he acted and loved him just as he was. It isn't easy but it is very doable.
I have been on that receiving end and that has been the best gift in this. To know what it feels like to be looked at with total unconditional love and with total disgust. I never forgot the pain the disgust created, and how my mother tried and still swears to this day I stopped using cause of her and what she did...It isn't like that, and will never be like that. I can honestly say no amount of beatings, bloodshed, ridicule, bargaining, bantering ( but it made great fuel, which poses the question do you need to be fuel like that)...no amount of love, covering for me, lying for me, protecting me fixed me...but when he removed her well that seemed to make a huge difference...in a need way. I still used, just as bad, progressing on but some hopelessness was gone.
I stopped because somewhere in me I knew what I loved and what I couldn't live without in terms of drugs but I also knew that it would kill me. At the point I was just gonna do it myself, but well as I say it might be good the bugs weren't talking to help edge me on because all I needed was someone to confirm yes if I jumped would I definitely die. I couldn't get a guarantee, not such a bad thing looking at it all now.
Let your son go, all you have to do it you must do something is love him just as is, he is capable of doing the rest and finding a wonderful life...
Hi everybody
Thank you for all your replies and support. Momnmore r u in the usa because it is just God. ThAt make it possible that I am in south Africa and getting help around the globe
I had my first victory my son phoned me after 6 days at this rehab on a farm and told me how this place sucks and got aggresive because he had a Epileptic fit and how they don't care there for him my first impulse was to jump in my car and fetch him but for the first time I felt no symphathy and told him he wanted to go there and if his not happy he needs to find his own solution
God bless all of u r all in my prayers
Thank you for all your replies and support. Momnmore r u in the usa because it is just God. ThAt make it possible that I am in south Africa and getting help around the globe
I had my first victory my son phoned me after 6 days at this rehab on a farm and told me how this place sucks and got aggresive because he had a Epileptic fit and how they don't care there for him my first impulse was to jump in my car and fetch him but for the first time I felt no symphathy and told him he wanted to go there and if his not happy he needs to find his own solution
God bless all of u r all in my prayers
[quote]I in no way will take responsibility for my child's addiction, but I will take responsibility for how I acted in it...[quote]
Absolutely, I too take responsibility for my own part in the sick little drama, and I have also made my amends because that's all we can do to move forward. It's good to remind ourselves that we did the best we could with whatever emotional and intellectual resources we had at the time. If I could some things differenetly I surely would, but since that's not an option I have to play it as it lies, just as we all do. And yes, childhood plays a part in everyone's reaction to everything...we are the sum of our experiences for better or worse...but we don't have to keep doing the same things....nothing changes if nothing changes.
Priscilla, you had a moment of clarity when your son called, a moment to give him the gift of figuring this out on his own, and yourself the gift of doing so without feeling you did something wrong or unmotherly.
Hang in there ~ MomNMore
PS Yes I am in the US and so is mistyeyes and a fair number of us. It's wonderful we can all be here together though we are half a world apart.
Absolutely, I too take responsibility for my own part in the sick little drama, and I have also made my amends because that's all we can do to move forward. It's good to remind ourselves that we did the best we could with whatever emotional and intellectual resources we had at the time. If I could some things differenetly I surely would, but since that's not an option I have to play it as it lies, just as we all do. And yes, childhood plays a part in everyone's reaction to everything...we are the sum of our experiences for better or worse...but we don't have to keep doing the same things....nothing changes if nothing changes.
Priscilla, you had a moment of clarity when your son called, a moment to give him the gift of figuring this out on his own, and yourself the gift of doing so without feeling you did something wrong or unmotherly.
Hang in there ~ MomNMore
PS Yes I am in the US and so is mistyeyes and a fair number of us. It's wonderful we can all be here together though we are half a world apart.
im in the us also! you did good...our first impulse is to do what we always do and it took guts to tell him that..my son called the other day and asked for commissary money and i told him i put some there 2 weeks ago..i will once a month so spend it wisely (like phone cards) in the past i thought of ways to make him more comfortable....lol...its jail!!
HI Priscilla,
I am an addict in recovery in South Africa, and just wanted to say hi. If you are in any of the cities, they all have active alanon meetings. This may be of use to you.
When I first went into recovery, I was plagued with the question of why I was an addict. My wise sponsor advised me to ignore the question. In his view ( and I agree) it doesn't matter if its our parents, our own actions, the genetic factors , etc. What matters is that we are addicts. That is what we have to deal with first and foremost. Once we have started to address our addiction, and have halted it, we may then have the luxury of exploring why we are addicts.
I know for loved ones it may be different, as you are not the addict, but this wisdom helped me a lot in my recovery.
I am an addict in recovery in South Africa, and just wanted to say hi. If you are in any of the cities, they all have active alanon meetings. This may be of use to you.
When I first went into recovery, I was plagued with the question of why I was an addict. My wise sponsor advised me to ignore the question. In his view ( and I agree) it doesn't matter if its our parents, our own actions, the genetic factors , etc. What matters is that we are addicts. That is what we have to deal with first and foremost. Once we have started to address our addiction, and have halted it, we may then have the luxury of exploring why we are addicts.
I know for loved ones it may be different, as you are not the addict, but this wisdom helped me a lot in my recovery.
Good to see you, Calabash...and always with a wise word =)
Hi
its nice to talk to some one from sa
I don't know if you read my sons history that I wrote under the name of nevergiveupmpom
My prombem is not the problem but the solution
My son started of in rehabs for mental issues and learn about drugs there and it got worse as he was in about 6 diferent clinics the last half way house he went to in honeydew he got hold of herion and he was only hooked on dagga
Last sunday he came out of a clinic in florida where he got clean for 23 days and the 24th day just before he got discharge him and afriend got hold of herion
He is now in nigel in a 6 months program that I hope wil help
Any advice?
Nevergiveupmom
Ps which town r u in
its nice to talk to some one from sa
I don't know if you read my sons history that I wrote under the name of nevergiveupmpom
My prombem is not the problem but the solution
My son started of in rehabs for mental issues and learn about drugs there and it got worse as he was in about 6 diferent clinics the last half way house he went to in honeydew he got hold of herion and he was only hooked on dagga
Last sunday he came out of a clinic in florida where he got clean for 23 days and the 24th day just before he got discharge him and afriend got hold of herion
He is now in nigel in a 6 months program that I hope wil help
Any advice?
Nevergiveupmom
Ps which town r u in
