I just read your last comment Priscilla & it sounds like you are getting it. We can love them, encourage them, pray for them, hope for them, but we can't DO IT for them. THEY have to do it.
A few of your comments before that were:
"But I can't be there all the time." BINGO! And after you have tried to be Queen of his universe, after awhile you will realize you THOUGHT you were in control but it was an ILLUSION OF CONTROL. You will also get very tired & very very sick. Maybe even more sick than he is.
"His Dad and brother think I'm overly concerned" - it did sound like you were obsessed. But I wouldn't call it overly concerned, I would call it "trying to control things that you can't."
I hope you will continue to let go one day at a time. And letting go does not mean giving up. It means realizing you can't do it for him.
I'm bumping up a post that is called "Letting Go (to let go)". It has helped many of us.
Thanks LAC!
Ditto LAC
Hi lac
Thanks for your comments I really appreciate it
Just one correction the qoute About the brother and dad was for momforsons
My son is a only child
That's probaly why i spoiled him so much
Priscilla
Thanks for your comments I really appreciate it
Just one correction the qoute About the brother and dad was for momforsons
My son is a only child
That's probaly why i spoiled him so much
Priscilla
Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a while. Just read through so many of your posts and wow does the world turn!
I thought I'd post an update on my son. He finished 30 day rehab on July 13th. Today is 42 days clean and sober. He's in IOP till mid August and is tested randomly. I have heard him tell a few of his friends it feels great to be clean so I hope he keeps it up. I have a feeling though that pot and alcohol will be back on the menu once the testing stops and the legal issues are past. He thinks he can do those in moderation even though his support group tells him that's dangerous.
He refuses to do 12 step. Says he doesn't believe that he's "powerless" over addiction..
I have to take things one day at a time. He's still treats me as if I've wronged him by "making" him go to treatment. I can tell he's torn between needing me for some things and wanting me to stay out of his business. I was hoping that once he was clean and thinking more clearly that he'd be throwing a few apologies my way.. no such luck although I did get a few heartfelt hugs when he first got out of rehab.
I think the problem now is that the ex girlfriend that was around when he was using is spending time with him again. She's a smart girl, doing well in college, but always seems to depend on one pill or another. She's been diagnosed as bi-polar and supposedly has fibromialgia so her mom says she uses pot for the pain. From what I've seen she is just hiding behind pills/pot like so many others to avoid coping.
Anyway, life is good because my son is clean and at the same time life is stressful because I don't see the "mental" and "emotional" progress that I think he needs to sustain it. I've asked him to show more respect and appreciation for what we do for him. Today he was flippant on the phone, like so many other times in the past, so I told him we weren't going to pay for the phone anymore. I don't want to cause a battle over the small things but I also think that not paying attention to the small things led to some of the big things.
I'm still learning.. Take care all.
I thought I'd post an update on my son. He finished 30 day rehab on July 13th. Today is 42 days clean and sober. He's in IOP till mid August and is tested randomly. I have heard him tell a few of his friends it feels great to be clean so I hope he keeps it up. I have a feeling though that pot and alcohol will be back on the menu once the testing stops and the legal issues are past. He thinks he can do those in moderation even though his support group tells him that's dangerous.
He refuses to do 12 step. Says he doesn't believe that he's "powerless" over addiction..
I have to take things one day at a time. He's still treats me as if I've wronged him by "making" him go to treatment. I can tell he's torn between needing me for some things and wanting me to stay out of his business. I was hoping that once he was clean and thinking more clearly that he'd be throwing a few apologies my way.. no such luck although I did get a few heartfelt hugs when he first got out of rehab.
I think the problem now is that the ex girlfriend that was around when he was using is spending time with him again. She's a smart girl, doing well in college, but always seems to depend on one pill or another. She's been diagnosed as bi-polar and supposedly has fibromialgia so her mom says she uses pot for the pain. From what I've seen she is just hiding behind pills/pot like so many others to avoid coping.
Anyway, life is good because my son is clean and at the same time life is stressful because I don't see the "mental" and "emotional" progress that I think he needs to sustain it. I've asked him to show more respect and appreciation for what we do for him. Today he was flippant on the phone, like so many other times in the past, so I told him we weren't going to pay for the phone anymore. I don't want to cause a battle over the small things but I also think that not paying attention to the small things led to some of the big things.
I'm still learning.. Take care all.
glad he is clean, you are right about the small things, absolutely right, i hadnt thought how important they are.i thought last march mine would be more grateful for things in general, more appreciative of his father and me, but same thing, few hugs, i love you...can you hook me up witha phone...hope yours stays on the road to sobriety but they dont seem to grow emotionally and mature very quickly do they? good luck to ya
Wow, there's a lot in your post momsforsons...thanks for checking in.
The 12 step thing...well, many feel as he does and for some it means they are not willing to admit they are addicts and for others it means they want to try a different way. There are many ways to get and stay clean and when they are committed it doesn't really matter which way they choose...but the choice once made is obvious, as obvious as the drug use.
Are you doing anything for yourself to relieve your stress and anxiety? Have you established any boundaries for yourself...boundaries about what's okay and not okay? Is he still living at home BTW?
Peace ~ MomNMore
The 12 step thing...well, many feel as he does and for some it means they are not willing to admit they are addicts and for others it means they want to try a different way. There are many ways to get and stay clean and when they are committed it doesn't really matter which way they choose...but the choice once made is obvious, as obvious as the drug use.
Are you doing anything for yourself to relieve your stress and anxiety? Have you established any boundaries for yourself...boundaries about what's okay and not okay? Is he still living at home BTW?
Peace ~ MomNMore
Hello Momforsons,
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why my daughter got hooked on drugs. This only fueled my codependency. I would question my parenting skills, read up on brain and genetic studies, research psychological theories....anything that would give me a solution to help her. I mistakenly thought that if I could figure her out, she would then get the appropriate help and would get better. In the end, all this did was make me crazy.
I think the hardest part of loving an addict is the fact that there is no way to control their behavior. There is a terrible frustration, while watching them destroy themselves, that you have no power over whether they use or not. No amount of pleading, pressure, or rehab works, unless they want to get sober.
I still struggle with the concept of turning the power over to my daughter to get into full recovery. I still worry that she will relapse and die this time. But, I have taken the small step to stop questioning the "whys" and "hows" of her journey. I tell her, when she is upset that she's not further ahead in life than others her own age, the fact is she "checked out of life" by using drugs. She has lost years, and it is up to her to decide to make it better.
I try really hard not to live her life through my perspective...."why are you dating this guy, he's no good for you", "why don't you go to school, it would give you something productive to do other than think about drugs", "are you sure this therapist is helping you, could you find another one?" This only makes a relapse all the more devastating, because I have invested so much of myself into the prevention. I am working to take myself out of the equation, because it is truly her job to heal.
It is a journey for us parents, as much as it is for the addict, to get to the point where truth prevails, and guilt and baggage get set aside. Honesty is the enemy of addiction. Denial, explanations, and excuses only make things worse. I had to really examine myself in all of this, and step aside and let her deal with her own recovery.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way. Keep posting, as this site has helped me sort out a lot of things.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why my daughter got hooked on drugs. This only fueled my codependency. I would question my parenting skills, read up on brain and genetic studies, research psychological theories....anything that would give me a solution to help her. I mistakenly thought that if I could figure her out, she would then get the appropriate help and would get better. In the end, all this did was make me crazy.
I think the hardest part of loving an addict is the fact that there is no way to control their behavior. There is a terrible frustration, while watching them destroy themselves, that you have no power over whether they use or not. No amount of pleading, pressure, or rehab works, unless they want to get sober.
I still struggle with the concept of turning the power over to my daughter to get into full recovery. I still worry that she will relapse and die this time. But, I have taken the small step to stop questioning the "whys" and "hows" of her journey. I tell her, when she is upset that she's not further ahead in life than others her own age, the fact is she "checked out of life" by using drugs. She has lost years, and it is up to her to decide to make it better.
I try really hard not to live her life through my perspective...."why are you dating this guy, he's no good for you", "why don't you go to school, it would give you something productive to do other than think about drugs", "are you sure this therapist is helping you, could you find another one?" This only makes a relapse all the more devastating, because I have invested so much of myself into the prevention. I am working to take myself out of the equation, because it is truly her job to heal.
It is a journey for us parents, as much as it is for the addict, to get to the point where truth prevails, and guilt and baggage get set aside. Honesty is the enemy of addiction. Denial, explanations, and excuses only make things worse. I had to really examine myself in all of this, and step aside and let her deal with her own recovery.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way. Keep posting, as this site has helped me sort out a lot of things.
Thanks for the input Roberta, MnM and Momg. Your are all right-on as usual.
While he was in rehab I went into high gear doing things for him so that when he got out, if he was willing, he would have a good path to follow. I was meeting with him every Saturday and getting his input. He said he wanted to excercise more, focus on school in the fall, work the remainder of the summer and part time during school year, get a good roommate, find a doctor to help with anxiety/depression, etc.
So I signed him up for school, put together a summer internship for him with our business, found some room mates for him to interview, found a doctor for depression/anxiety that was recommended by a friend (he uses hypnosis), bought him a set of CD's for anxiety/depression (I think it's the midwest center).
Well now that he's out of rehab he sees my help as interference and he doesn't want me involved in anything. He is getting more and more distant.
He's been doing the internship but he's getting there late. Last night he stayed up till 2am behind closed doors I listened outside his door praying that I wouldn't hear any lighters clicking. He's in an IOP and being tested but since he's 22 I assume they wouldn't tell me if something went wrong. Yes, he's living with us for the summer and then in the fall will live in a small house we bought where he's going to school.
He still says he's anxious to start school but hasn't shown any interest in looking at his classes, buying books, etc. He reluctantly interviewed the room mates but has yet to make a decision. He stopped exercising.. and he's stopped smiling..
I am trying to establish some boundaries by saying "our house our rules" but I'm having trouble figuring out the right level of consequences. If he's late for work we could fire him but then he's got idle time and he is getting allot out of work. If he doesn't want to talk with me while at my house I could tell him to move out but that seems too severe.
I really want to pick the right battles. If he is staying clean I want him to know how hugh that is. But he's also got to realize that he's living in a bubble right now. When he's out of that bubble if he doesn't "live his best life" he'll get disappointed in himself and fall backwards again. It almost seems as though he's sabatoging himself. He knows what he needs to do to feel good about himself but then he doesn't follow through.
While he was in rehab I went into high gear doing things for him so that when he got out, if he was willing, he would have a good path to follow. I was meeting with him every Saturday and getting his input. He said he wanted to excercise more, focus on school in the fall, work the remainder of the summer and part time during school year, get a good roommate, find a doctor to help with anxiety/depression, etc.
So I signed him up for school, put together a summer internship for him with our business, found some room mates for him to interview, found a doctor for depression/anxiety that was recommended by a friend (he uses hypnosis), bought him a set of CD's for anxiety/depression (I think it's the midwest center).
Well now that he's out of rehab he sees my help as interference and he doesn't want me involved in anything. He is getting more and more distant.
He's been doing the internship but he's getting there late. Last night he stayed up till 2am behind closed doors I listened outside his door praying that I wouldn't hear any lighters clicking. He's in an IOP and being tested but since he's 22 I assume they wouldn't tell me if something went wrong. Yes, he's living with us for the summer and then in the fall will live in a small house we bought where he's going to school.
He still says he's anxious to start school but hasn't shown any interest in looking at his classes, buying books, etc. He reluctantly interviewed the room mates but has yet to make a decision. He stopped exercising.. and he's stopped smiling..
I am trying to establish some boundaries by saying "our house our rules" but I'm having trouble figuring out the right level of consequences. If he's late for work we could fire him but then he's got idle time and he is getting allot out of work. If he doesn't want to talk with me while at my house I could tell him to move out but that seems too severe.
I really want to pick the right battles. If he is staying clean I want him to know how hugh that is. But he's also got to realize that he's living in a bubble right now. When he's out of that bubble if he doesn't "live his best life" he'll get disappointed in himself and fall backwards again. It almost seems as though he's sabatoging himself. He knows what he needs to do to feel good about himself but then he doesn't follow through.
Just my opinion, do what feels peaceful for you and no more. If whatever you are doing or not doing is not peaceful for you anymore, then change something. It's trial & error for all of us moms. I know with my daughter, I had to try virtually everything before I let go and let her choose how she wants to live. I was more insane than she was at my worst codependency and obsession. It all boils down to acceptance. Yes, they might die. Or they might choose recovery. We can't control another human being, but we can change our attitudes and our focus. When we fly, they say "Put the oxygen mask on yourself first." We can learn to take care of ourselves with boundaries and we can learn to let go with love. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it just means we can't do it for them. Do you go to alanon meetings? Or read any books on codependency like The Language of Letting Go or Codependent No More by Melody Beattie?
True LAC, we can only do what we can do and what feels right for us and our family and we can only get there in our time - it takes longer for some than for others and some never get out of the insanity. But we can also learn from what has happened to others, from the vast network of shared experience. When I read over and over that this or that parent had done x or y, had done all the legwork, had done and done and done ALL of the same things I was then doing, I had to sit up and take notice, and it finally sunk in that our situation was no different than a thousand - a hundred thousand - situations that had not changed until something was different. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Momforsons, these are the red flags that absolutely jumped off the page at me in your posts:
People, places, and things...all should change to remain clean, if not the chances for relapse are much greater. But any person or place is as good as another when it comes to an excuse to use. This girl is no way responsible for your son's using if it should come to that...the choice is and will always be his.
This has been your pattern, has it not? Of course he now sees it as interference, it is. All this was done to soothe you and make you feel better about him and his future. Sure, it would have benefited him if he had followed through on all of it, but saying he wanted those things and actually wanting them are two different things. He may have said it to get you off his back, he may have meant it when he said he wanted it...but getting those things for himself is the only thing that will make a long-term difference in him...being able to say, "I did it, I took care of myself". As Mistyeyes says, see him as capable, because he is.
It seems that way because he is...or maybe he's sabotaging you and your efforts out of resentment. Those are signs...the distance, the lateness to work, the up till 2am on a work night, the old girlfriend...trust what you see, all you need to know is there in his actions.
Standing outside his door at night reminded me SO much of me 5 years ago, listening, vigilant, nerves on edge, constant adrenaline...always trying to stop whatever might (or might not) be barrelling towards us (her, really, not us). A few times I caught myself doing such things, driving around town looking for her friends' cars, calling people looking for her...listening at doors, checking cell phones...not healthy behaviors and not something normal people do. I reached my crazy quotient in summer of 2008 after an entire weekend of it.,,literally an entire weekend from dawn to dusk consumed by her addiction and my search for her. She was holed up in a hotel getting as high as she could for as long as she could.
You can't really have 'consequences' for a 22 year old man...but you can have boundaries. Finding our boundaries is the most challenging part...what can we live with...and those boundaries are for US, not them. I stopped funding a cell phone that was never used to contact me...stopped driving her to work at 5am because it's only a mile away and she's got two good legs that never had any trouble getting her to a dealer's house at whatever hour...it was NOT okay to talk to me like I was something she scraped off the bottom of her shoe...it was not okay to live at home and roll in at 3am because it disturbed my sleep, if you don't like the rules find someplace to live where you like them better...it was not okay to treat our home like a flop house, coming and going and contributing nothing to the household or the family (not money, but time and effort)...it was not okay to use in my home or to bring drugs into my home EVER...
Finally, of course he wants to go to school, you bought him a house that you will pay for where he can live as he pleases doing whatever he wants, which, based on what you've shared will probably not be studying.
Life can be good whether he is clean or not, but it takes some time to get to that point. We can get off the merry-go-round at the time of our choosing.
I'm sorry he still doesn't seem ready, but you can help yourself...we can always help ourselves...and we often find that things improve for all of us when we do.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Momforsons, these are the red flags that absolutely jumped off the page at me in your posts:
| QUOTE |
| I think the problem now is that the ex girlfriend that was around when he was using is spending time with him again |
People, places, and things...all should change to remain clean, if not the chances for relapse are much greater. But any person or place is as good as another when it comes to an excuse to use. This girl is no way responsible for your son's using if it should come to that...the choice is and will always be his.
| QUOTE |
| While he was in rehab I went into high gear doing things for him |
This has been your pattern, has it not? Of course he now sees it as interference, it is. All this was done to soothe you and make you feel better about him and his future. Sure, it would have benefited him if he had followed through on all of it, but saying he wanted those things and actually wanting them are two different things. He may have said it to get you off his back, he may have meant it when he said he wanted it...but getting those things for himself is the only thing that will make a long-term difference in him...being able to say, "I did it, I took care of myself". As Mistyeyes says, see him as capable, because he is.
| QUOTE |
| He is getting more and more distant....He's been doing the internship but he's getting there late...It almost seems as though he's sabatoging himself. |
It seems that way because he is...or maybe he's sabotaging you and your efforts out of resentment. Those are signs...the distance, the lateness to work, the up till 2am on a work night, the old girlfriend...trust what you see, all you need to know is there in his actions.
Standing outside his door at night reminded me SO much of me 5 years ago, listening, vigilant, nerves on edge, constant adrenaline...always trying to stop whatever might (or might not) be barrelling towards us (her, really, not us). A few times I caught myself doing such things, driving around town looking for her friends' cars, calling people looking for her...listening at doors, checking cell phones...not healthy behaviors and not something normal people do. I reached my crazy quotient in summer of 2008 after an entire weekend of it.,,literally an entire weekend from dawn to dusk consumed by her addiction and my search for her. She was holed up in a hotel getting as high as she could for as long as she could.
| QUOTE |
| I'm having trouble figuring out the right level of consequences. |
You can't really have 'consequences' for a 22 year old man...but you can have boundaries. Finding our boundaries is the most challenging part...what can we live with...and those boundaries are for US, not them. I stopped funding a cell phone that was never used to contact me...stopped driving her to work at 5am because it's only a mile away and she's got two good legs that never had any trouble getting her to a dealer's house at whatever hour...it was NOT okay to talk to me like I was something she scraped off the bottom of her shoe...it was not okay to live at home and roll in at 3am because it disturbed my sleep, if you don't like the rules find someplace to live where you like them better...it was not okay to treat our home like a flop house, coming and going and contributing nothing to the household or the family (not money, but time and effort)...it was not okay to use in my home or to bring drugs into my home EVER...
Finally, of course he wants to go to school, you bought him a house that you will pay for where he can live as he pleases doing whatever he wants, which, based on what you've shared will probably not be studying.
| QUOTE |
| Anyway, life is good because my son is clean. |
Life can be good whether he is clean or not, but it takes some time to get to that point. We can get off the merry-go-round at the time of our choosing.
I'm sorry he still doesn't seem ready, but you can help yourself...we can always help ourselves...and we often find that things improve for all of us when we do.
Peace ~ MomNMore
i have done so many of those same things, i own business , i thought maybe if i gave him a job and he'd have pride blah blah, prided my checkbook right out the door, i even had him on security video opening my safe (no idea why he had the key) so i fired him changed the locks and then he justified stealing from home because he didnt have a job lol imo they arent going to do anything unless it is self induced..their idea, their actions..their follow through i too used to listen and snoop and pray and everything under the son and made myself insane, used to blame him...it was me making myself sick, he just did what he always did..think things over many times
Hi momforsons
I started writing on this blog after I read your story and I stories were similar as my son is also 22 and also started drugs because of wrong freinds etc
So much has happened since I read your first blog and if it wasn't for the help and advice from the wonderful people on this blog
I did everything for my son because he looked like he had no interest in doing anything with his life I organised job after job and he always find a excuse of not going back I wrote him in for courses I believed this is what he wanted as he would alwys say sound good mom go ahEad and arange it for me but he would never finish anything and while I was so busy trying to arange his life for him he was using with his friends and picking arguments with me
This last few months he was in and out rehabs because themoment he tells me his not happy I would put him in another and another he will phone me any dayt or night I have to take him cigarettes clothes coffee all the things I thought was my duty
After advice from everybody here I put him in a 6 months lifeskil teaching rehab
And achieved the following
He cut his left arm ended up in surgery although it was hell I did not jumped in my car 12h00 at night and drove 100km to the hospital I made sure he was save and stayed in touch on the phon
He try to run away twice
Try to get wead for a friend and I did not go there
The pastor asked me if he punished him for 12 days with not having any contact withme will I promise to trust him and do just that
I did although it was one of the hardest things I had to doi
My son phoned me for the first time tonight and said that he had to learn how to suvive with no mommy giving him cigareTes money baking him biscuits etc
I am proud of myself and believe its the fisrt step of recovery for me and him
I told him if he mess up again and get punish for longer I will not step in as he needs to learn and he agreed firmly
So I have learned throug the blogs of all this wonderfull people to step back small steps at a time
Good luck and u will be in my prayers
I started writing on this blog after I read your story and I stories were similar as my son is also 22 and also started drugs because of wrong freinds etc
So much has happened since I read your first blog and if it wasn't for the help and advice from the wonderful people on this blog
I did everything for my son because he looked like he had no interest in doing anything with his life I organised job after job and he always find a excuse of not going back I wrote him in for courses I believed this is what he wanted as he would alwys say sound good mom go ahEad and arange it for me but he would never finish anything and while I was so busy trying to arange his life for him he was using with his friends and picking arguments with me
This last few months he was in and out rehabs because themoment he tells me his not happy I would put him in another and another he will phone me any dayt or night I have to take him cigarettes clothes coffee all the things I thought was my duty
After advice from everybody here I put him in a 6 months lifeskil teaching rehab
And achieved the following
He cut his left arm ended up in surgery although it was hell I did not jumped in my car 12h00 at night and drove 100km to the hospital I made sure he was save and stayed in touch on the phon
He try to run away twice
Try to get wead for a friend and I did not go there
The pastor asked me if he punished him for 12 days with not having any contact withme will I promise to trust him and do just that
I did although it was one of the hardest things I had to doi
My son phoned me for the first time tonight and said that he had to learn how to suvive with no mommy giving him cigareTes money baking him biscuits etc
I am proud of myself and believe its the fisrt step of recovery for me and him
I told him if he mess up again and get punish for longer I will not step in as he needs to learn and he agreed firmly
So I have learned throug the blogs of all this wonderfull people to step back small steps at a time
Good luck and u will be in my prayers
I'M TRULY FINDING HOPE FOR MY SON. THE POWER OF PRAYER ALSO I HAVE STOP ENABLING HIM GETTING ON MY KNEES AND ASKING GOD FOR GUIDANCE HAS BEEN WONDERFUL PLEASE AS A MOTHER WE ALL MUST STAY STRONG IN FAITH
