I am making a new post because I do not want anyone to think that I am doing this to be "mean" to anyone. I was not even aware that it might be putting someone down, I just think we all need to stop, take a breath, and laugh. I find it much more fun then bashing people's heads in with cruel words. So, in all fairness, here is a thread dedicated to some laughter...... please join in with me everyone..... I think we all need it badly.
Zen-Type Thoughts For The Day
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it!
HUGGLES
LADY M
Thank you Lady M, I did need a good laugh today, and all of those little sayings did it for me......
please keep up the good work.......thanks for sharing
please keep up the good work.......thanks for sharing
did you hear about the A/A group that got charged for terrorism?
their was group A/A members on plane and they decided to have a meeting onboard , the meeting was going great, one after another each member would state their name and everyone would hi, this meeting went on without a hitch until a member said Hi my name is Jack
their was group A/A members on plane and they decided to have a meeting onboard , the meeting was going great, one after another each member would state their name and everyone would hi, this meeting went on without a hitch until a member said Hi my name is Jack
Dear Lady M,
I enjoyed that very much, thankyou!
I hope everyone is well today, and hanging in there
I enjoyed that very much, thankyou!
I hope everyone is well today, and hanging in there
Lady M,
I liked that too Sister. We do need humor around here. I guess I didn't read that last post too well cuz I don't get it. For some reason the idea of cutting and pasting and then using word made me laugh. But I wasn't paying attention to the post. My intention really is to do not harm.
So I'd add a joke but all I can do is read cuz my head has a construction crew working inside it and they are really jamming things up and my brain can't think anymore from all the pain.
Anyway, thanks for the smile.
Love, PM
I liked that too Sister. We do need humor around here. I guess I didn't read that last post too well cuz I don't get it. For some reason the idea of cutting and pasting and then using word made me laugh. But I wasn't paying attention to the post. My intention really is to do not harm.
So I'd add a joke but all I can do is read cuz my head has a construction crew working inside it and they are really jamming things up and my brain can't think anymore from all the pain.
Anyway, thanks for the smile.
Love, PM
Shaking......LOL that was a good one.... COME ON EVERYONE..... IF YOU ARE HERE READING, THEN IT IS YOUR TURN TO POST ONE TOO!!!!!
LADY M
LADY M
HERE IS ANOTHER ONE!!!! COME ON EVERYONE AT LEAST TRY IT!
YOUR JOB IS SAFE AS LONG AS THESE GUYS ARE OUT THERE.
***
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno.
Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
***
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message, "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Life is tough. It's a lot tougher if you're stupid."
HUGGLES
LADY M
YOUR JOB IS SAFE AS LONG AS THESE GUYS ARE OUT THERE.
***
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno.
Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
***
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
***
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message, "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Life is tough. It's a lot tougher if you're stupid."
HUGGLES
LADY M
these are good!! Thanks for the laugh!!!
Have a great day!!
Huggs Gina
Have a great day!!
Huggs Gina
I just found John Kerrys 4 year plan for America if hes elected!!!!! if this isn't enought to keep you off pain killers nothing is!!! lol http://www.downside.com/bldgjump.gif
Well so far after a year of taking thse 10 milligram percs they cost me my job, which i just quit 3 months ago because i thought i could do it from home? lol what an idiot i was, i refinanced my house took out 40k and spent 8 of it on phone lines, new puter,printer,website, and about 4k on pills and thought i could be a Gold broker from home, then after i went cold turkey two weeks ago reality is here, and guess what? my a$$ has to go get a job, so after the last 2weeks of "Sucking it up" going to the gym,flushing my body,goin thru the withdraws, i was feelin pretty good today(luckily i held a Real Estate license) so i went over to one of the nice resorts here in town and applied to sell time share, the sales people make 100k+ a year, and i was hired, yea i could have gone back to my old job, the owner of the company said he would have taken me back at anytime, but after 10 years, plus the guy i was getting the pills from still works there(he got his leg whacked off from staff infection a year ago) and his doc gives him mountains of percs and oxys, so i didn't want to go back to that atmosphere anyways, luckily i still have about 20k left over from my house refinance to get me by until i start making money at my new job, if i wouldn't have got off these pills i would have sat at home in laaalaaa land thinking i could rule the world from home and went broke lol what an idiot i was, so for me "Sucking it up" wasn't an option for me, it was either suck it up? or go down? so sitting here rattling off to you guys, excercising with what little strength i have, taking these natural flushes,sitting in hot showers every night for 20minutes, going to get deep tissue body messages, telling God i was sorry for abandoning him, going to see "Passion of Christ" 2 times (almost 3) i can sit here an honestly say i have no wish for more pills, just the wish i can stay clean, and learn how to sell timeshares before 20k runs out lol, i know my situation is different than some of yours, some of you are in chronic pain and without painpills life is unbearable, and unbearable on them, and you have been on them for years, i have no answer for that, only the situation i was in, and able to catch it before it completely lose everything, i still have to prove to my woman of 16 years that this won't happen again, she thinks i'm insane lol can't blame her i think i was to, so whatever works for everyone do whatever you have to do to get this crap out of your lives. Peace (-:
Okay Mr Gladiator....... where is your joke....... tell us something to make us laugh....... I wish you all of the luck in the world in your ventures, and career, but after today, I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO MAKE ME LAUGH! SO, I AM SETTING A CHALLENGE TO YOU.... GOT A FUNNY ONE TO SHARE?
LADY M
LADY M
I am sorry Glad.... I just clicked on your link and giggled my behind off..... Good one my friend, and thank you.
Lady M
Lady M
here is another one...... hope you all get a tickle out of it.....
20 years
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember", said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or _I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too", she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, I would have gotten out today.
Huggles
Lady M
20 years
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember", said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or _I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too", she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, I would have gotten out today.
Huggles
Lady M
You can't read this and stay in a bad mood
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get >From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile......
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get >From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile......
O'kay, I got one;(kindof corny but here goes)
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick. hahahahahah
What do you call a fish with no i's?
A fshshshshshshsh hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick. hahahahahah
What do you call a fish with no i's?
A fshshshshshshsh hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
LOL
that was cute.....
here is another, I am stealing these because I am running out of material......
COME ON YA ALL....... LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE........
Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital or spent time in a hospital will enjoy this...
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.
"The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t!"
that was cute.....
here is another, I am stealing these because I am running out of material......
COME ON YA ALL....... LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE........
Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital or spent time in a hospital will enjoy this...
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.
"The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t!"
AND ANOTHER..................
These are alleged to be actual excuse notes from parents of schoolchildren (including original spelling) from the Galveston area.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the s***s. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
These are alleged to be actual excuse notes from parents of schoolchildren (including original spelling) from the Galveston area.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the s***s. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
AND ANOTHER....................
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
COME ON ....... YOU GUYS CAN DO IT!!! I HAVE FAITH IN YOU ALL!
LADY M
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
COME ON ....... YOU GUYS CAN DO IT!!! I HAVE FAITH IN YOU ALL!
LADY M
HERE IS ONE IF YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY................
Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to The X, 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft. Wayne IN, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my b******* was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."
HEHEHEHE
Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to The X, 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft. Wayne IN, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my b******* was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."
HEHEHEHE
OKAY THIS IS IT..... I AM TAPPED OUT NOW......
A LITTLE PUBLIC RESTROOM HUMOR!
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
A LITTLE PUBLIC RESTROOM HUMOR!
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
