(((((((((((((((LadyM)))))))))))))) LMAO
Hope your doin' well, I haven't been on line a whole lot. Got alot goin' on here at home. Thanks for laugh, that was good timing! *wink*
I gotta get goin', kids get done school in an hour so, have to get some things done. I just saw that joke and had to post to ya'. Have a great weekend! Love ya'
Take care.................................God bless..........................................Bob
Hi Bob, and thank you. How are you and Gina? Any news from the doctors? My prayers are with you both, and I love you two. God Bless!
Huggles to my bro, and sis
Lady M
Huggles to my bro, and sis
Lady M
OMG i can't stop laughing!!!!!! Thought i would share. This is a true story
When my daughter was 7, she and my son were sitting in the car with their father while i went in the to store for a minute. When i came back everyone was killing themselves laughing in the car except Holly, she had a disturbed look on her face. I asked what was up. My ex-husband told me that him and my son were talking away about this car that car and my son said "is that a toyota?" Holly piped up and said "where, where? My friend Skylar has a toy Chewbaca (spelling), luke sky walker and princess layah(spelling again!!) he told me that he is getting a new toy yoda soon"!!!!!!!! When i heard this i joined in the laughter and tried to explain to Holl what the joke was......this story still gives us a case of the giggles!!!!!!
take care
Hil
When my daughter was 7, she and my son were sitting in the car with their father while i went in the to store for a minute. When i came back everyone was killing themselves laughing in the car except Holly, she had a disturbed look on her face. I asked what was up. My ex-husband told me that him and my son were talking away about this car that car and my son said "is that a toyota?" Holly piped up and said "where, where? My friend Skylar has a toy Chewbaca (spelling), luke sky walker and princess layah(spelling again!!) he told me that he is getting a new toy yoda soon"!!!!!!!! When i heard this i joined in the laughter and tried to explain to Holl what the joke was......this story still gives us a case of the giggles!!!!!!
take care
Hil
Here is one, when I was little, my mother was OCD...Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it was about house cleaning. This is a woman that would clean morning, noon, and night. I grew up the youngest of eight, and the only girl. My mom had her hands full. We lived out in the country in a great old farmhouse that my Dad's grandfather built. My mom was cleaning house (again), and she was in my room cleaning, well she waxed my floor (hardwood), YES, WAXED! We knew that in our house that you did not walk around in socks, or we would break a bone. Her floors were like a sheet of glass ALL OF THE TIME! Well, I was seven, and sitting on my bed, and I had threw my backpack on the floor in the livingroom, so her she came down the hall. STOMP STOMP.... As I heard my name screamed just before she opened my door, I lunged to the other side of my bed, against the wall, and decided to "hide". I knew it was beating time. She came in that door, and as I peeked over my bed, she was just about running/stomping. She hit my floor, IN SOCKS, and she went sliding all the way across the room, slammed into the closet door, and BAM the door fell on top of her. I ended up laughing so hard, I could not get up to help her. These were OLD OAK DOORS, so I could not have gotten it off of her any ways. When I went to get up, I had been rolling around on the floor laughing, and my hair (really long) got caught up in the wheel of my bed, and the bottom part springs ( REAL BOX SPRINGS WITHOUT THE BOX, ONLY REMEMBERED BY US OLDER FOLKS I AM SURE). My mother is stuck under a door, and I am trapped next to my bed. We had to scream and yell for 25 minutes until one of my brothers came in from his chores outside with the animals. Well of course my brother Roger found us, and had to go get everyone to see what the DINGGY girls had done. After much laughter, we were recused, and all of us kids we grounded for three days. My mother never walked on her floors again with socks, and still to this day does not walk around in them, and she has carpet now....sigh. That is the one story that sticks in my mind from growing up, and I have some funny ones, but my mother flying across that room into the door, I will treasure that forever. The best part of the story was, I got to get my hair cut short FINALLY! I was a total tomboy and hated my hair. I hated to brush it, wash it, etc. So, it was a actual happy day for me. There I shared a little story of my youth. Much love and Gos Bless.
Huggles
Lady M
Huggles
Lady M
13 Reasons to Smile
Now that food has replaced sex in my llife, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
Now that food has replaced sex in my llife, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The b******* is usually in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The b******* is usually in charge.
My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes :
Last weekend I spied something at Butch's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had
gone into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a
super ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my
fancy--still does. That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided
me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than
that, now does it?) I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is
so much fun.
So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool
at Butch's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 50th
birthday and I was looking for a little something extra cool. What I
came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a
clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity
while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your
250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Dufus looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Dufus), and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Dufus for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all.
But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong? Was I wrong to think that?
Seemed reasonable to me at the time .
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three
second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little
device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference,
pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm
getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Dufus looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy S*!T! D*MN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Dufus was
standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do
it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it
is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in
your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an
ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get
'em back.
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes :
Last weekend I spied something at Butch's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had
gone into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a
super ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my
fancy--still does. That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided
me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than
that, now does it?) I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is
so much fun.
So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool
at Butch's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 50th
birthday and I was looking for a little something extra cool. What I
came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a
clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity
while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your
250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Dufus looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Dufus), and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Dufus for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all.
But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong? Was I wrong to think that?
Seemed reasonable to me at the time .
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three
second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little
device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference,
pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm
getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Dufus looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy S*!T! D*MN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Dufus was
standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do
it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it
is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in
your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an
ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . sure would like to get
'em back.
OH look folks and at CENTER STAGE IS the infamus guest" i guess guest does not understand that getting clean means getting happy and i for one thank god for each of u, and every one of your posts they had me smileing all day u all should be proud of your selfs and GUEST" LAUGHTER IS A HEALTHY WAY TO GET THROUGH THE DAY! that is one of my moms saying LOL..... anyway keep them coming folks they are great, and guest PLEASE LAUGH A LITTLE YOUR FACE WONT CRACK I PROMISE" LOL..... sorry guys i wanted this to go right under guest post i was not watching wich page i was on, anyway i just had to throw my 2 cents in even if i put them on the wrong page LOL..... HUGS LITTLE H.
Ok - Here's something from the past that came to mind - it was so cute and innocent - made me laugh but embarassed the heck out of me at the same time.
This took place in about 1988, when my oldest daughter, Trish was only about 3 years old.
I always had a problem with Trish, trying to get her to eat her veggies. Continuously telling her that she wont grow up to be a "big" girl if she doesnt eat all her veggies, etc. Well, one day Trish was with me when I was grocery shopping at Publix. After loading our groceries and paying the cashier, Trish sat in the little front seat of the grocery cart as I pushed her out to go unload groceries to the car. As we were approaching the exit, a "very small" midget entered the store, passing right by our cart. My daughter looked at the small man with wide eyes and open mouth. To my horror, she cried out - loud enough for everyone to hear "Mommy look at that man - He didnt eat all his veggies - did he !!!? I almost died of embarassment, but everyone around kind of smiled, including the small midget.
Have a good day everyone.
love,
Marie
This took place in about 1988, when my oldest daughter, Trish was only about 3 years old.
I always had a problem with Trish, trying to get her to eat her veggies. Continuously telling her that she wont grow up to be a "big" girl if she doesnt eat all her veggies, etc. Well, one day Trish was with me when I was grocery shopping at Publix. After loading our groceries and paying the cashier, Trish sat in the little front seat of the grocery cart as I pushed her out to go unload groceries to the car. As we were approaching the exit, a "very small" midget entered the store, passing right by our cart. My daughter looked at the small man with wide eyes and open mouth. To my horror, she cried out - loud enough for everyone to hear "Mommy look at that man - He didnt eat all his veggies - did he !!!? I almost died of embarassment, but everyone around kind of smiled, including the small midget.
Have a good day everyone.
love,
Marie
Marie,
Oh thank you for sharing that with me and everyone else. When I started this post in April, it was so needed, and that is why I drug it out of the depths of the netherworld. Being able to laugh is the best medicine in the world. Sometimes when we are in the beginning stages of recovery, we forget to laugh. So, please feel free to share these kind of stories, or jokes. Whatever you, or anyone would like.
Laugh everyone, and remember, it is ok to feel good when you feel bad. In fact, it helps.
Huggles
Lady M
Oh thank you for sharing that with me and everyone else. When I started this post in April, it was so needed, and that is why I drug it out of the depths of the netherworld. Being able to laugh is the best medicine in the world. Sometimes when we are in the beginning stages of recovery, we forget to laugh. So, please feel free to share these kind of stories, or jokes. Whatever you, or anyone would like.
Laugh everyone, and remember, it is ok to feel good when you feel bad. In fact, it helps.
Huggles
Lady M
HI ladym this is great" i have somthing to add its about me and my son when he was 4 years old he is now 21 y old and we were standing by a pound by my brothers house and they have a nest box for this goose that comes there every year to nest and my son was interested in the little house they had there i looked back and saw him looking in the the box not realiseing she had eggs in there "WOW" at the time it was not so funny but now when i look at the video tape my husband took its still cracks me up she came chargeing out of her nest my son ran to me well i thought" he was running to me i had my arms out to him as i was running to him and he ran up and past me and i looked backed and that DARN GOOSE chashed the both of us by the time i cought up with my son and picked him up that goose was still chaseing us it must have been at least a block maybe two my hubby finely came with the car and rescued us as we watched the goose in the middle of the road still trying to chase our car, well needless to say if anyone mentions the word goose infront of my son to this day he says the only way he ever wants to see a goose again is in a roast pan.LOL.... HUGS LITTLE H.
Little H
OMG LMAO........................ they are mean little buggers huh!
OMG LMAO........................ they are mean little buggers huh!
H,
LMAO, I have a mental picture of that! You should send that into funniest videos!
Thanks for the laugh.
Carrie, Thanks for bringing this thread back, laughter is good medicine.
Take care.............................God bless....................................................Bob
LMAO, I have a mental picture of that! You should send that into funniest videos!
Thanks for the laugh.
Carrie, Thanks for bringing this thread back, laughter is good medicine.
Take care.............................God bless....................................................Bob
Yes, I decided to bring this forward. Even though it was done ages ago, the same things still stand true, we need to laugh. So, here it is, the original Laughter Post!
Lets see what new ones can be added! I have a ton, so lets have some FUN! Recovery is about being able to laugh again too!
Huggles
Carrie
Lets see what new ones can be added! I have a ton, so lets have some FUN! Recovery is about being able to laugh again too!
Huggles
Carrie
MALE MAMMOGRAM
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates
through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate
why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?
You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and
every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell
out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in
and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates
through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate
why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?
You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and
every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell
out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in
and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Subject: Judge Not!
>>
>>Who's in Heaven
>>
>>
>>Here's a goodie......
>>
>> I was shocked, confused bewildered
>>As I entered Heaven's door,
>>Not by the beauty of it all,
>>By the lights or its decor.
>>
>>But it was the folks in Heaven
>> Who made me sputter and gasp--
>>The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
>>The alcoholics, the trash.
>>
>>There stood the kid from seventh grade
>> Who swiped my lunch money twice.
>> Next to him was my old neighbor
>> Who never said anything nice.
>>
>>She, who I always thought
>>Was rotting away in hell,
>>Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
>>Looking incredibly well.
>>
>>I nudged Jesus,
>>"What's the deal?
>>I would love to hear your take.
>> How'd all these sinners get up here?
>>God must've made a mistake.
>>
>>And why's everyone so quiet,
>>So somber?
>>Give me a clue."
>>"Hush child," said He.
>>"They're all in shock.
>>No one thought they'd see you!"
>>
>>
>>JUDGE NOT!
>>
>>Who's in Heaven
>>
>>
>>Here's a goodie......
>>
>> I was shocked, confused bewildered
>>As I entered Heaven's door,
>>Not by the beauty of it all,
>>By the lights or its decor.
>>
>>But it was the folks in Heaven
>> Who made me sputter and gasp--
>>The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
>>The alcoholics, the trash.
>>
>>There stood the kid from seventh grade
>> Who swiped my lunch money twice.
>> Next to him was my old neighbor
>> Who never said anything nice.
>>
>>She, who I always thought
>>Was rotting away in hell,
>>Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
>>Looking incredibly well.
>>
>>I nudged Jesus,
>>"What's the deal?
>>I would love to hear your take.
>> How'd all these sinners get up here?
>>God must've made a mistake.
>>
>>And why's everyone so quiet,
>>So somber?
>>Give me a clue."
>>"Hush child," said He.
>>"They're all in shock.
>>No one thought they'd see you!"
>>
>>
>>JUDGE NOT!
Thanksgiving Divorce
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired
of each other, and I'm
sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell
her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls! his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck
they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're
coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired
of each other, and I'm
sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell
her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls! his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck
they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're
coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Subject: Things you can say ONLY on Thanksgiving
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
DEER HUNTING SEASON
A man and his friend were enjoying the first day of Deer Hunting
Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.
A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew
his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release
his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession
passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow,
took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes
in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married
for 35 years
Okay, I'll laugh!! And add one ----
He Is Dating Her For Her BODY
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighed ................
"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
He Is Dating Her For Her BODY
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighed ................
"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
