So I find myself yet again questioning everything....I have been talking to a couple friends of mine yeterday and today and they have brought up very appropriate points....again, had the bf of 8 months, found out he was addicted to vicodin...since then hes been sober, around 20 days now...and YES I am very proud of him. I have been reading the posts and realize that hes at more of hte mental game stage now, which actually scares me more. One friend outright said I was stupid for ever CONSIDERING taking him back....well I must say that was quite a slap in the face...because yes my eventual goal was to get that part of my life back. I know I love him, but I also realize that yes I would be doing something stupid in that I would be placing my head right back on the chopping block to be hurt....BLAH to that. The other friend simply said, well even if you took him back, whos to say he wouldnt use again, he never told you in the first place, how could you know?? AHHH Never thought of that, how could I know?? I would have to trust he would tell me, but then again he didnt tell me for 8 months...SO NOOOOW I am sitting home alone THINKING which is what makes me lose my sanity after a while. So anyone know what I'm supposed to do here? I know noone has the answers because every situation is different, I just feel all alone again....
As an addict in recovery and happily on suboxone after using opiates for years and years, just thought I would add my 2 cents. First thing I must say is this. It is not your responsibility to put your boyfriend's head in the right place. If I were you I would have a talk with him and see how willing he is to go into treatment or at least start going to NA meetings. Then I would ask myself If I want to go along for the ride and be supportive, or should I let him go it alone and report back to me. As cold as that may sound you must think about it. You need to make your self aware of what addiction is all about. You can support him but right now I don't think you can trust him. By all means you don't want to enable him by putting up with his lies or covering up for him yourself. Every situation and relationship is different I realize, but only you can decide and answer your own questions. Maybe it would help to have a heart to heart with him and get him to tell you all about his drug abuse history. It could have been for a long time and you don't even know about it. You will find your answer, I hope. good luck
Hi Amanda!
I often throw in my opinion but, in this case, I would have been better off doing a copy & paste of the first reply you got. That was so incredibly well said! Who posted that please?
God Bless,
JC
I often throw in my opinion but, in this case, I would have been better off doing a copy & paste of the first reply you got. That was so incredibly well said! Who posted that please?
God Bless,
JC
Guest-thank you for the words of wisdom...I do know his addiction history, and I went to the doctors with him..he sees a psychologist tomorrow and thats how he's dealing with it, day by day. He swears to me hes working to get straight and get me back because of how much I meant to him...but then again thats hard to believe from someone who held such a deep lie from me before. *sigh* I understand what you are saying, I'm just trying to deal with things and thinking out loud annnd advice from people like you helps.
Lost Soul-Thanks as always for your time in the matter, you have remained helpful throughout these lonnnnng 20 days of my life. I hope all is well with you. As for my course of action...I guess its just wait and see eh?
Lost Soul-Thanks as always for your time in the matter, you have remained helpful throughout these lonnnnng 20 days of my life. I hope all is well with you. As for my course of action...I guess its just wait and see eh?
Hi Amanda!
You're most welcome. You've been in my prayers all along and you'll continue to be...
Put it in the Lord's hands as we say... Ask for a sign to sway you towards a decision or course of action. If you keep your eyes and your heart open, you might just see it! ;-)
Good Luck & God Bless,
JC
You're most welcome. You've been in my prayers all along and you'll continue to be...
Put it in the Lord's hands as we say... Ask for a sign to sway you towards a decision or course of action. If you keep your eyes and your heart open, you might just see it! ;-)
Good Luck & God Bless,
JC
yes but you also have to remember that the drug dosent make the person...and that these drugs can make us do alot of things we dont usually do ...why dont you put yourself in his shoes..i know i wasnt comfortable just busting right out and confessing my addiction..especially if he is scared that you wont stand by him through it,,,you know what my spouse said to me was .."ok..we are going to get through this no matter what...we have been through worse".
and if you truly love him than NOTHING will hold you back...get him help...he definetly needs all the support he can get from you and anyone else that has some kind of positive look about all this...other than the addiction how does he treat you,,,i think you need to stop wondering what everyone else thinks about him ..its not what they want..ITS WHAT YOU WANT...just think about it...god will answer you
and if you truly love him than NOTHING will hold you back...get him help...he definetly needs all the support he can get from you and anyone else that has some kind of positive look about all this...other than the addiction how does he treat you,,,i think you need to stop wondering what everyone else thinks about him ..its not what they want..ITS WHAT YOU WANT...just think about it...god will answer you
I know that I couldn't have made it without my husband's support. Addiction is a disease, would you leave him if had cancer?
I do love him...that much I know. Its just hard to deal with this sickness because it HURT ME not just him....I understand that I should be there for him through this, and I am. But sometimes I just feel like I need someone there for me too. I do not know if we will get back to a state of dating, its just one of the many questions I dont know the answers to. The one thing I do know is that I love that man more than anything...and all I want is for him to be better. I want him to know how proud I am for him coming this far....for fighting the urge every single moment to take another pill. I want him to see that he has come a long way, but still has a long way to go. I want him to know that even though he will be losing his job soon, that things will be ok, heck I just graduated and cant find a job anywhere. Nothing can be worse than it was when he was on the pills, so everyday from here on out must be better I guess.
GRR I just deleted everything I wrote so far....story of my day today. WHATEVER CAN GO WRONG, WILL! Started out that my plans fell through, I was supposed to spend time with him today, but he called and that plan ended. Eventually it came out that he doesnt feel well and that he needs to relax...WHICH I UNDERSTAND, but dont get my hopes up to see you. I havent seen him in 15 days...and it is crazy seeing that I used to see him every day that he was not working. I just feel like I'm losing my place in his life, no matter what I do. So I pretty much cried for 3 hours and tried to make everything make sense because he is the ONLY PERSON who knows everything that I can talk to about any of this....but I know he just doesnt want to hear it sometimes. Then my chair broke and then I deleted all this info....WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH TODAY??!! Now I have the worst headache I have had in a really long time, and all I want is to curl up into a ball and die. I guess I just wish I understood more of what its like in his world so I could help or just not bug him sometimes....I'm just scared that I am driving him closer and closer to the point where he just never wants to see me again. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL OF MY HEART and I just want him to know this. Now what?
Amanda
Hi! I just read your thread and...quick question...Have you calmly said or asked him "How is your day today?" or "Look, I just am being a friend here today, forget the girlfriend/boyfriend thing....tell me, what's on your mind?"
Pressure is a b*tch to a user/addict. So maybe he's feeling heat. Try conversing with him leaving out your relationship-like emotion. Also, realize that anyone who uses is likely to push all around them, even loved ones away. Its hard, I know. But try this as a start. Maybe you'll get a few answers.
Lots of luck and hope
LLG
Ask yourself questions:
*Do I deserve this? (no one does)
*Do I understand the drug, it's side effects, and the outcome?
*Is this someone I want to truely be with? (try leaving out emotion, look at your life and the pain it's causing...is this what you want?)
Hi! I just read your thread and...quick question...Have you calmly said or asked him "How is your day today?" or "Look, I just am being a friend here today, forget the girlfriend/boyfriend thing....tell me, what's on your mind?"
Pressure is a b*tch to a user/addict. So maybe he's feeling heat. Try conversing with him leaving out your relationship-like emotion. Also, realize that anyone who uses is likely to push all around them, even loved ones away. Its hard, I know. But try this as a start. Maybe you'll get a few answers.
Lots of luck and hope
LLG
Ask yourself questions:
*Do I deserve this? (no one does)
*Do I understand the drug, it's side effects, and the outcome?
*Is this someone I want to truely be with? (try leaving out emotion, look at your life and the pain it's causing...is this what you want?)
LLG-youre absolutely right...I knwo you are. I know I constantly say I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU, DO YOU LOVE ME? Its never just hey whats up? Hows it going? I feel like conversations need to be much more serious, however, I do see what youre saying. I will do my best to be more open minded...at this point I'll try anything. Thank you for everything! Great advice
Question folks....when does the moodiness and the cranky attitude stop? Its been 23 days, and now I think hes now at the point of just being mad constantly and I dont know what to do..he says he wants to see me and isnt mad at me...well then why yell at me? I am just tired and have a migraine so I'm heading to bed...I just hope to wake to "only a couple more days of bad stuff, dont worry" buuut I have a feeling, that wont be the case...anyway youre all in my thoughts...thanks for listening.
Amanda
It really doesn't stop. It depends on him, not you. Its like walking on eggshells most of the time not sure when the up and down in coming or going. I'm sorry there is no "time" put on this. Just know that like he said, most anger isn't from you, it's with in him...from the drug...instant side effect.
Hope and Hugs
LLG
It really doesn't stop. It depends on him, not you. Its like walking on eggshells most of the time not sure when the up and down in coming or going. I'm sorry there is no "time" put on this. Just know that like he said, most anger isn't from you, it's with in him...from the drug...instant side effect.
Hope and Hugs
LLG
OK Amanda sweetie...I am jumping in to the relationship here.
Yes, your boyfriend is cranky, upset etc because he is no longer taking vicodin. What was your relationship like before you found this out? If you didn't know about it how much was he taking? For all the medication I have been on, I have functioned fine, raised my family, ran my husband's business, soccer mom, pto, etc....
What I am saying is that the person on the vicodin probably is close to the same person off the vicodin. If the relationship was going well then, I suggest you tell him that you don't want to upset him you are here for him day or nite, whenever he needs you and you love him. Then start doing something for yourself. You are dwelling so much on how he is treating you, I think you are forgetting about you...Amanda, who probably has friends, family things to do without your boyfriend. I am not telling you to dump him..just give both of you a little space. The idea about checking in on him is fine. He is probably dealing with many emotions now...let him do that, and be there for him. When he isn't needing you or wanting you, get on with your life and enjoy it. I hate to see you in a year say "geez, I wasted all this time lamenting over my boyfriend when there was nothing I could do and he needed to help himself" Let him come to you...he will. Only you know what is right for your relationship. Not your friends or family so tell them you are working this out and don't need advice. He is still the same guy.. Coming off pills isn't going to change him into a person that isn't in love with you anymore......unless you drive him away.. Think of him....not his feelings for you!.
Now, on the other hand, if boyfriend was a nasty person on vicodin and un pleasant to be around --not nice...then chances are even though he is off pills he is not turning into a Prince. Could this be the reason why your friends want you to dump him..?? Perhaps, they don't think he was that nice to you all along and this is the icing on the cake. Dont' know, just trying to put that whole "friends say to dump him" thing in perspective.
I don't know you or your boyfriend(duh!). I just hate to see you so upset over something you have absolutely no control over... That is one thing I have learned in life, and for some reason, I think I am a bit older than you....Don't fight the things you can't beat. Tell him you are here for him, you care, you want him to get well and that is all you can do. Let him make the next step...
Please be good to yourself. As toolman says in his posts, the additional pressure of pleasing you might be getting to him. Hang in there, give him time, and keep talking to us.. Don't know if I helped, but I just had to speak....I feel your angst straight thru the cable wires! Peace xo Breeze
Yes, your boyfriend is cranky, upset etc because he is no longer taking vicodin. What was your relationship like before you found this out? If you didn't know about it how much was he taking? For all the medication I have been on, I have functioned fine, raised my family, ran my husband's business, soccer mom, pto, etc....
What I am saying is that the person on the vicodin probably is close to the same person off the vicodin. If the relationship was going well then, I suggest you tell him that you don't want to upset him you are here for him day or nite, whenever he needs you and you love him. Then start doing something for yourself. You are dwelling so much on how he is treating you, I think you are forgetting about you...Amanda, who probably has friends, family things to do without your boyfriend. I am not telling you to dump him..just give both of you a little space. The idea about checking in on him is fine. He is probably dealing with many emotions now...let him do that, and be there for him. When he isn't needing you or wanting you, get on with your life and enjoy it. I hate to see you in a year say "geez, I wasted all this time lamenting over my boyfriend when there was nothing I could do and he needed to help himself" Let him come to you...he will. Only you know what is right for your relationship. Not your friends or family so tell them you are working this out and don't need advice. He is still the same guy.. Coming off pills isn't going to change him into a person that isn't in love with you anymore......unless you drive him away.. Think of him....not his feelings for you!.
Now, on the other hand, if boyfriend was a nasty person on vicodin and un pleasant to be around --not nice...then chances are even though he is off pills he is not turning into a Prince. Could this be the reason why your friends want you to dump him..?? Perhaps, they don't think he was that nice to you all along and this is the icing on the cake. Dont' know, just trying to put that whole "friends say to dump him" thing in perspective.
I don't know you or your boyfriend(duh!). I just hate to see you so upset over something you have absolutely no control over... That is one thing I have learned in life, and for some reason, I think I am a bit older than you....Don't fight the things you can't beat. Tell him you are here for him, you care, you want him to get well and that is all you can do. Let him make the next step...
Please be good to yourself. As toolman says in his posts, the additional pressure of pleasing you might be getting to him. Hang in there, give him time, and keep talking to us.. Don't know if I helped, but I just had to speak....I feel your angst straight thru the cable wires! Peace xo Breeze
Breeze,
I was reading this thread and when I came to your post I thought wow!! You have great advice. I am not Amanda and this thread of course if not about me, but you sure hit some nails on the head for me....regarding my past relationship I had with a guy. Thanks so much for your post, you helped someone (me), without even knowing it probably. :)
Amanda, I feel for you and am thinking of you. Hang in there. I know it has got to be very hard right now. But I think you can get through this....don't give up. And take care of yourself. And like Breeze and others have said, do things for yourself but still be there for him. It is easy for us to tell you stuff but you have to live it. I understand that and I pray things will work out for you. I am 37 and it took me a few years to learn to not fight the things I do not have control over. Coolkat34@aol.com(from Breeze).
Love,
Tigress
I was reading this thread and when I came to your post I thought wow!! You have great advice. I am not Amanda and this thread of course if not about me, but you sure hit some nails on the head for me....regarding my past relationship I had with a guy. Thanks so much for your post, you helped someone (me), without even knowing it probably. :)
Amanda, I feel for you and am thinking of you. Hang in there. I know it has got to be very hard right now. But I think you can get through this....don't give up. And take care of yourself. And like Breeze and others have said, do things for yourself but still be there for him. It is easy for us to tell you stuff but you have to live it. I understand that and I pray things will work out for you. I am 37 and it took me a few years to learn to not fight the things I do not have control over. Coolkat34@aol.com(from Breeze).
Love,
Tigress
OOPS
Dang, spacey.
I put in my Email address in the wrong place. I mean to put Breeze's name before my Email. That quote was from Breeze.
Sorry, lol. Too sleepy
Tigress
Dang, spacey.
I put in my Email address in the wrong place. I mean to put Breeze's name before my Email. That quote was from Breeze.
Sorry, lol. Too sleepy
Tigress
Hey Tigress. Glad my life lesson to Amanda helped you. I think in looking back over my single /boyfriend years. I found what men found most attractive was a good woman who valued herself. So often I see women not doing for themselves, and it would make sense that no one would want a selfless partner...too much of a saint you know? I know when I dated a guy who "worshipped" me and didn't treat the relationship as a partnership that was the guy I never wanted..No to the critics....I am not saying Amanda worships her boyfriend, I am speaking from my own experiences.
I once dated a guy who people swore would never marry. We lived in different cities (New york and Boston) and I lived my life but loved him too. I respected him but respected me as well. I knew I loved him but he needed time so I gave it to him....Good thing I didn't act selfless because that man respected the fact that I respected myself and wouldn't drop everything for him. So he married me, and has been my husband for 13 years....even now when I need to take care of me by getting off duragesic and for now need to put my needs first, he still loves me. Thank goodness I didn't settle for just a Man because that's what society often guilts us into doing. I settled for comfort and respect in a relationship. It was worth the wait!! Amanda, that is my advice to you!
Peace. xo
I once dated a guy who people swore would never marry. We lived in different cities (New york and Boston) and I lived my life but loved him too. I respected him but respected me as well. I knew I loved him but he needed time so I gave it to him....Good thing I didn't act selfless because that man respected the fact that I respected myself and wouldn't drop everything for him. So he married me, and has been my husband for 13 years....even now when I need to take care of me by getting off duragesic and for now need to put my needs first, he still loves me. Thank goodness I didn't settle for just a Man because that's what society often guilts us into doing. I settled for comfort and respect in a relationship. It was worth the wait!! Amanda, that is my advice to you!
Peace. xo
Wow Breeze, I couldnt resist posting to you today before I head out. The things you say are absolutely true and honest. He was everything I wanted when he was on the pills, my friends that gave me that advice are actually pretty good friends with him too. Its just now the things that have happened and them not knowing anything about addiction its simple to say just walk away. In fact I found that after telling my closest friends I have not told any others for the simple fact that addiction is no understood and pepole are simply judged for something they cant control. Sad really. So yes its just that most recently we get into these huge fights....but I think LostLIttleGirl had part of it right when she said stuff about the type of convo. I'm constantly bugging him with the YA its been X number of days I love you, you did great...do you miss me..blah blah typically ME being NEEDY stuff. So now I'm doing my best not to have the love/relationship convos all the time (doing my best since last night, haha not exactly a record yet) and hopefully he will come to ME when he needs my help, we'll see. I am there for him day and night and I will always be, no matter what. But youre right, I need to refocus on me, which is what I'm doing today, road trip with friends....sooo I'll just have my phone on me and be thinking of him and praying for him during the day. Its just rough knowing that someone who treated you so well just seems soooo mad at everything you say or do, but yet wants you to talk too? BUUUUT alas I regress...thank you so much Breeze, youre in my thoughts, have a good day!
GOOD GIRL!!! Go have a nice day, say a prayer or two and keep your phone on so you don't worry.
You just said it. He WANTS to talk to you, yet he is angry. Therefore, he is not trying to drive you away. He loves you, he is a good guy and he needs to work thru this. Be supportive, you don't need to ask if he loves you, he does. And don't take too much crap! Be there when he needs you!
One more thing..Can you get him on this board?? I think Toolman's wife did that, and from what I have read, others have helped him.
Now go have fun!!!! Peace
You just said it. He WANTS to talk to you, yet he is angry. Therefore, he is not trying to drive you away. He loves you, he is a good guy and he needs to work thru this. Be supportive, you don't need to ask if he loves you, he does. And don't take too much crap! Be there when he needs you!
One more thing..Can you get him on this board?? I think Toolman's wife did that, and from what I have read, others have helped him.
Now go have fun!!!! Peace
Amanda,
I have read all thwe advice given to you and have decided to add my two cents. Your boyfriend may just need space and not realize at all when he is going to need it and is making plans but when the time comes just feels like being alone. But you need to understand its not you its him and he may love you but sometimes he just needs space to figure his life out. You need ask yourseld is he in a stressfull enviroment at all. Dont make plans just let him know " these are the times I'm free we can hang out if ya want"
Hang in there Kido youll make it
Almostclean
I have read all thwe advice given to you and have decided to add my two cents. Your boyfriend may just need space and not realize at all when he is going to need it and is making plans but when the time comes just feels like being alone. But you need to understand its not you its him and he may love you but sometimes he just needs space to figure his life out. You need ask yourseld is he in a stressfull enviroment at all. Dont make plans just let him know " these are the times I'm free we can hang out if ya want"
Hang in there Kido youll make it
Almostclean