I see folks who love addicts, be they family members or partners and it breaks my heart.
I'm a heroin addict who's been in recovery for forty four days. I'm fifty eight years old and I've been at it since 1973.
This is a progressive disease. I can vouch for that. I remember in my twenties, I could get by on fairly low doses. But the years and many relapses for varying periods of time have conditioned my brain to be able to handle larger and larger doses.
Not just to be able to handle larger doses, but to demand larger doses.
All I have to do to wake up that demon is to feed it just a taste of any opiate. If I think I can just "get high" for the night and then go back to work the next day, I'm mistaken.
The next day, my brain says, "Oh, hell no! You may go to work, but first you feed me! Otherwise, I'll put you through some s*** to make sure you don't do anything but lie in pain.
Remember this pain? Well, it's back!"
Then it's on. Full blast. Within days, I'm up to my old high dose, and it just goes up from there.
A month and a half ago, I was shooting a hundred and fifty dollars of high grade Mexican heroin a day. That's two grams a day. And I wasn't getting high. Just keeping the sickness at bay.
I still can't believe I lived through the withdrawals. Just crawling in bed to kick is almost as insane as the addiction. My doctor warned me that there's many ways to die. He said I had a 50/50 chance to stroke out or have a heart attack. Or I could just fall and hit my head on the dresser and die. I fell, but luckily didn't hit my head too hard. Tore me up pretty good, though. The last of the scabs on my arms and legs from tearing them up are all gone now.
So, after forty years, do I think I'm finally done with it?
Yes. I do. I'm done. I give up. I surrender completely.
I had to finally admit that I'd had enough of the suffering. Suffering is a good teacher.
I'm just a poor student.
My own suffering is the only thing on earth that could have gotten me to where I am today; and that is clean and embracing a twelve step program and discovering that I have, in fact, not been walking alone through life as I mistakenly believed.
If I had only known who was walking next to me all this time, I wouldn't have walked in fear and self loathing, which led to self destruction.
It's not like the signs weren't there... I just ignored many miracles that have saved me from myself. Many.
I am blessed with a loving family. But their best efforts on my behalf had no effect.
I was walking alone. They didn't understand and I couldn't tell them.
Because I didn't know...
I thought everyone walked alone. I just thought that's how we did it.
If only I had known.
Suffering is the only teacher I would listen to. And for this addict, it took a lot.
Many die along the road. I've seen it too many times. I'm blessed to be here.
So when I see friends and lovers of addicts try to relieve their suffering, it breaks my heart.
I know they mean well, but sadly, they may be blocking the greatest teacher. For many people, addicts and others, it may be the only teacher.
Mark
i wish you would also post this on the family board
How do I do that?
Do I have to re-write the whole thing?
Why don't you just tell them to come over here and read it, if they care to?
Never mind. I just did.
Do I have to re-write the whole thing?
Why don't you just tell them to come over here and read it, if they care to?
Never mind. I just did.
Thanks I needed to read this...I have read others like this post but this one was good timing. There sure IS a Higher Power! He worked through you! Thank you!
i wish you the very best
I posted it, Mark...all set...good stuff, buddy.
Thanks for sharing your story, Mark. It gives me hope for my son who had had several relapses. I keep praying for God to keep him safe until he is able to stay in recovery. I am so happy for you that your have gotten your life back. I will keep you in my prayers as well.
God bless!
Susan
God bless!
Susan
You first have to get clean in order to have a relapse...
So that's a positive note.
I had scores of relapses, except I didn't call them relapses.
I just thought I liked to use dope for years.
They weren't relapses until I admitted I had a problem a few years ago.
So by that standard, I've had two relapses.
Two too many.
Thanks for the encouragement. I'll include your son in my prayers.
Mark
So that's a positive note.
I had scores of relapses, except I didn't call them relapses.
I just thought I liked to use dope for years.
They weren't relapses until I admitted I had a problem a few years ago.
So by that standard, I've had two relapses.
Two too many.
Thanks for the encouragement. I'll include your son in my prayers.
Mark
Wow...very powerful words. Gave me chills...Thank you for taking the time to share...truth!!!!
Thanks so much for the prayers, Mark! :)
Since 1973???god that's 14 years before I was born! U are amazing to have kicked it after all these years,well done u!! I believe in god,I know he's on my side and I know I will get clean with his help.I don't mean to be stupid but can I ask what a twelve step program entails??
Change. It entails change.
Go sit in on a meeting. They probably describe the whole thing in readings at the beginning of the meeting; every meeting I've been to does that.
Plus, the twelve steps and twelve traditions are usually posted on the wall somewhere.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to be clean. You have that already.
A meeting is basically like this board, except instead of writing, people actually say it.
Mark
Go sit in on a meeting. They probably describe the whole thing in readings at the beginning of the meeting; every meeting I've been to does that.
Plus, the twelve steps and twelve traditions are usually posted on the wall somewhere.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to be clean. You have that already.
A meeting is basically like this board, except instead of writing, people actually say it.
Mark
Ok I will give it a go :) thanx
12 step programs are grounded in the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and involve attending meetings with other addicts...Narcotics Anonynmous. It involves connecting with a fellow addict who has worked the steps herself, has more than 12 months clean, and is willing to sponsor you and guide you through the steps. Here are the 12 steps:
It's a program of action and it works...best of all it's free and everywhere. If you can't find NA then AA is fine for addicts, too.
Try it, you might find help there...you don't have to do it alone.
Peace ~ MomNMore
| QUOTE |
| The 12 Steps Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs |
It's a program of action and it works...best of all it's free and everywhere. If you can't find NA then AA is fine for addicts, too.
Try it, you might find help there...you don't have to do it alone.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Sounds effective,I have begged god numerous times to save me from my addiction but obviously nobody can save me but me thanks guys :)
Hey Jennie F,
I see you posted last on the top eleven topics on this page.
What's up, girl?
Do you want to quit? For real? If so, you gotta get real.
You say you asked God for help and got no relief. Now you know it's really up to you to quit.
It's not that simple. I asked God for the winning lottery numbers and I wasted a buck on a ticket. Does that mean there is no God? I also asked him to deliver a super model to my back door and I'm still waiting. That was thirty years ago.
God is within you. You are God. How does that grab you?
Some people believe that. I do, for one. So when you asked God for something, did you deliver? Me thinks not.
The belief system you employ is up to you. Each of us is different. I'm just giving you some food for thought.
One thing is sure. You must find a higher power that you can believe in if your prayers are to have any meaning. I would suggest you seriously consider your concept of a higher power if you have not already found one you can believe in and trust with your life.
I found that to be a key element in my recovery.
The only thing I can expect my prayers to yield is change in me.
Because I am the problem.
Not the world around me. Not the people I surround myself with. Not the drugs. Not even my addiction to those drugs... That was a symptom of the problem that is me.
Until I was ready to change the way I thought about just about everything, until I was ready to change my perception of myself and the world around me, my prayers (what few feeble few there were) went unanswered.
Now things are different.
I can pray for you. I do, in fact. At every meeting we pray for the addict who still suffers. I hope it helps. Maybe those prayers brought me to the meetings, who knows? Not me.
I've had spiritual experiences outside of myself, to be sure. But that's just validation that I'm on the right track. These things come in God's time, not mine. And I have to be spiritually fit to recieve them, to recognize them for what they are.
I understand you'd like to quit using on top of your methadone maintenance program.
That's an admirable goal. Yet you find it difficult and your best efforts have yielded poor results in the long term.
We can all relate. That's the definition of addiction.
What are you willing to do about your problem?
Have you come to the point where you'll do whatever it takes?
If so, we can help.
Good night and God Bless you, Jennie F
M
I see you posted last on the top eleven topics on this page.
What's up, girl?
Do you want to quit? For real? If so, you gotta get real.
You say you asked God for help and got no relief. Now you know it's really up to you to quit.
It's not that simple. I asked God for the winning lottery numbers and I wasted a buck on a ticket. Does that mean there is no God? I also asked him to deliver a super model to my back door and I'm still waiting. That was thirty years ago.
God is within you. You are God. How does that grab you?
Some people believe that. I do, for one. So when you asked God for something, did you deliver? Me thinks not.
The belief system you employ is up to you. Each of us is different. I'm just giving you some food for thought.
One thing is sure. You must find a higher power that you can believe in if your prayers are to have any meaning. I would suggest you seriously consider your concept of a higher power if you have not already found one you can believe in and trust with your life.
I found that to be a key element in my recovery.
The only thing I can expect my prayers to yield is change in me.
Because I am the problem.
Not the world around me. Not the people I surround myself with. Not the drugs. Not even my addiction to those drugs... That was a symptom of the problem that is me.
Until I was ready to change the way I thought about just about everything, until I was ready to change my perception of myself and the world around me, my prayers (what few feeble few there were) went unanswered.
Now things are different.
I can pray for you. I do, in fact. At every meeting we pray for the addict who still suffers. I hope it helps. Maybe those prayers brought me to the meetings, who knows? Not me.
I've had spiritual experiences outside of myself, to be sure. But that's just validation that I'm on the right track. These things come in God's time, not mine. And I have to be spiritually fit to recieve them, to recognize them for what they are.
I understand you'd like to quit using on top of your methadone maintenance program.
That's an admirable goal. Yet you find it difficult and your best efforts have yielded poor results in the long term.
We can all relate. That's the definition of addiction.
What are you willing to do about your problem?
Have you come to the point where you'll do whatever it takes?
If so, we can help.
Good night and God Bless you, Jennie F
M
I didn't mean I don't believe in god cos I do and always have wholeheartedly I just meant it is no good me sitting around waitin for a miracle,I need to help myself and be proactive and god will give me the strength but the willpower can only come from me.I know its only a matter of time before I'm clean for good and although I have struggled with my addiction,in the past 2 years I have gone to college every week and now I am a qualified beautician and nail technician and a model so when I am sorted I can get bk to work.My boys are the reason I breathe I live for them and I have a lot to be very thankful for,we have a lovely house and are a very happy family however my childhood was horrific thus the main reason I struggle to stop using completely selfish I know but addiction is a very selfish disease plus I have posted a lot but I like trying to help other people as well as venting myself its all therapy to me,and thank u very much for the kind prayers :)
You're welcome, Jenny. It sounds like you have lots of positive things going for you!
You're right, it is a selfish disease. And there's nothing wrong with being selfish in your recovery either. At least at first.
I can relate about the tough childhood, it seems that's a recurring theme for lots of us. I suppose it's an excuse, really. I didn't want to or didn't know how to deal with that stuff, so I found drugs were a convenient escape.
Like you, I find this board very helpful. I get lots of good direction and feedback from the people here. Keep coming back.
Mark
You're right, it is a selfish disease. And there's nothing wrong with being selfish in your recovery either. At least at first.
I can relate about the tough childhood, it seems that's a recurring theme for lots of us. I suppose it's an excuse, really. I didn't want to or didn't know how to deal with that stuff, so I found drugs were a convenient escape.
Like you, I find this board very helpful. I get lots of good direction and feedback from the people here. Keep coming back.
Mark
aint that the truth... there's only one way....through
Con
Con
Hi com
Been missin ya- hope all is going well-
One of these days- Ill send ya an e-mail( on our other site) and we,ll catch-up
peacelove&respect
jack
Been missin ya- hope all is going well-
One of these days- Ill send ya an e-mail( on our other site) and we,ll catch-up
peacelove&respect
jack
