yeah that's what I meant. I'm a bit vague at the moment. "you know the guy with the thing who has to go with the chick to the place or they miss out on the stuff they need?" Anyway The heart thing is bothering me too now. strong cramps and shooting pain down left arm. I ended up so highly strung or tightly wound this morning that I ended up taking my second last dose of knockout meds. My heart was flying and it was painful and I couldn't get control back so I had to get out of it. I slept half the day away. and yes exactly what you said about the energy. there is enough there to get me biting nails and tapping feet non stop but try to use it and it vanishes.
Captains log, Star date or day 16 10pm entering the weird a** nebula. getting the cattle prod thing pretty intense at the moment. It was just the occasional zap, but now it's 2 or 3 in quick succession just all the time all day. Also the sneezing fits I was getting whenever eating or drinking something fresh, are all the time too. Bit of a pain in the a**. I keep having thoughts of someone saying or doing something to me that would send me over the edge, and I lose it COMPLETELY and start screaming like a banshee while I rip and smash them to pieces. It's not even unpleasant to think of. I keep catching myself teeth and fists clenched staring of into the distance for got knows how long. I guess that's the other side to all the emotions coming back. Trying to use hand weights (nice and heavy, short bursts) as much as I can, and feeling less quickly exhausted by things like that.
So I got another hour or so sleep in, and while it was a bit hard to shake of the tiredness at first. I am feeling markedly better. Most of the symptoms are still happening but at the moment it is so much less than before, that it just feels like relief right now. It helps that it's 1am and it's nice and quiet. At different times after I had to stop working, I would deliberately go nocturnal for stretches of time, I would see the kids in the morning, make them breakfast and spen some time, then I would sleep through until the arvo/evening, get up dinner wi the family and all that and then when they all passed out I would just bung around the house talking to myself doing whatever. I just couldn't handle anything more. I always felt much more upbeat and chirpy in the middle of the night. I dunno, I guess it was a sort of coping technique. Anyway the point is I'm feeling good. Day 17 1am
You say you keep having thoughts of someone saying or doing something that would send you over edge,holy sh**! I did that CONSTANTLY, for Me wasn't for couple months off, but yeah I would put all these stories/scenarios in my head where someone would look at me sideways or say something to piss me off&I would think how I was going to respond. It would be like a short movie script! I still do slightly to this day but not near to extent. I would sometimes verbalize those thoughts to boyfriend&he would tell me to stop premeditating or whatever but my brain couldn't shut the thoughts out. Zaps your talking about arms or head? I had both. Head (brain zaps lasting so long but less intense of course, to this day I get one every now&then, don't understand why, just hit year&half the 14th. Heart will probably do that for awhile, again intensity will ease. The energy thing, yeah I felt talkative amped, but thought of DOING anything seemed like way too much. Glad you got some rest&17 days now!! I actually clearly remember my 17th day, went to an NA meeting, only went to couple after.
You had it too! the thoughts n' stuff. That's kind of a relief. Maybe I'm not crazy. And yeah the zaps are in my neck and shoulders so I involuntarily shrug and shake my head to the side two or three times in quick succession. I'm not so worried about it but it feels and must look nuts and I have no say as to when it's gonna happen(please don't visit me grandma). Now that I think about it, I reckon the scenarios about rage are probably just me feeling the need to express myself, but like you said the thought or attempt to do anything is so tiring. So you get a bit stuck. That's the only thing that hasn't changed. The energy levels. But I have a big pile of log rounds that need splitting, so I think on the next sunny day I'm gonna have a crack at making that pile smaller. Even a little bit. I did that last withdrawal (sounds like last xmas) and it helped a lot. It's winter here and raining so it's not my first inclination to go outside just to soak and freeze haha. It's been really cool reading your posts, makes me think we might be birds of a dodgy feather a little bit hahaha, and it makes me feel like I'm not so alone in this situation I put myself in. Anyway here's hoping the bennies release you without too much of a scene. ;)
temazepam- benzodiazepine
tamara benson
diazepam- benzodiazepine
Diane benson
lorazepam
Laura Benson
Oxazepam
Ox just Ox.
the benson family - terrible people. Ok to be around for a little while, but spend to much time with them and they turn on you hahaha stop it!
tamara benson
diazepam- benzodiazepine
Diane benson
lorazepam
Laura Benson
Oxazepam
Ox just Ox.
the benson family - terrible people. Ok to be around for a little while, but spend to much time with them and they turn on you hahaha stop it!
Yes they can& you be careful too! Thanks yeah I was mainly worked about mood swings&lack of sleep when I started taking less the clonazepam. Was fine in that area. Dry mouth,abdominal cramping and depression all subsided within 2 weeks, now I can handle that! Onto those thoughts of imagining sh** going down&ready to retaliate....honestly,when I read that it I FELT relieved! I never heard anyone else talk about that and yeah felt crazy. That combined with other stuff. Oh yeah different country different season forgot that! December 14th 2013 was my 1st day off methadone yes that was a straaange Christmas to say least!!!
yeah it's good to know. It put things in a different perspective for me. I was reading somewhere about how 90 percent of us run back to methadone within a year of getting clean. The fact that you are going on 18 months says a lot about you. I want that. I was naive last time and felt invincible, but it turned out I was kind of kidding myself, trying to ignore the inclinations to use... well, just about everything to get away from what was happening for me. This time my eyes are open. I wanna be in the cool group wi you guys. Plus you wrote that you had a son 8 years old (that was you right?). My boy will be 8 next month and I just keep thinking that he is getting to an age where he sees things and remembers things a bit clearer and I don't want his prime example of what it means to be a man, to be the me that runs to medication when things get tough.
My dad went to jail for armed robbery, assault etc. and was always involved in heavy s***, basically a small (ish) time gangster old style. They even asked him to collect for the local mafia way back when. But he was never afraid to work...hard. And once I got to a certain age he got out of all that and just went to work. I will always have massive respect for that. I'm not gonna say he didn't always have something running on the side (he thought I didn't know) but he was trying to show me that a man doesn't lay down and quit. You get up, you head out, and do what it takes. Ahh s***. f***en crying now. I miss him so much. He had the biggest heart you know?
Anyway what I'm trying to say is ok, I been a bit crazy up till now but it's time to man up and be a proper dad. Just being around and being loving and caring is not gonna be enough anymore. Giving speeches to your babies is all fine and good but in the end they are always gonna play monkey see monkey do. And this monkey needs to stop f***ing around and start being who I am supposed to be.
My dad went to jail for armed robbery, assault etc. and was always involved in heavy s***, basically a small (ish) time gangster old style. They even asked him to collect for the local mafia way back when. But he was never afraid to work...hard. And once I got to a certain age he got out of all that and just went to work. I will always have massive respect for that. I'm not gonna say he didn't always have something running on the side (he thought I didn't know) but he was trying to show me that a man doesn't lay down and quit. You get up, you head out, and do what it takes. Ahh s***. f***en crying now. I miss him so much. He had the biggest heart you know?
Anyway what I'm trying to say is ok, I been a bit crazy up till now but it's time to man up and be a proper dad. Just being around and being loving and caring is not gonna be enough anymore. Giving speeches to your babies is all fine and good but in the end they are always gonna play monkey see monkey do. And this monkey needs to stop f***ing around and start being who I am supposed to be.
just had a couple of stellar hours wi my boy. Hangin' out like two best mates. Felt almost normal for a while there. Old uncle opiate is on the ropes! I'm throwing deadly combinations!
he's starting to wobble!
he's starting to wobble!
Wait your last post confused me? Did you take something or saying you didn't, couldn't understand that's post. Post above so heart felt! About being a father and all. Yes my son is 8. Yeah we think they don't know what's going on, but they are smarter then we always give them credit for. I didn't know methadone statistics far as the year thing,though makes total sense. Especially if dealing with psychological part and if you're ever so lucky to suffer PAWS badly like I did. I think often I was a better mother when I was on methadone, motivation wise interaction etc. But that started going away but does cross my mind on occasion. I try to ignore that I'm sure I'm more present now and just not fully aware how I was then&now if that makes sense. Wish I could write more but my son's friend is over& gotta get going, lemme know what last post meant.
No I defo did not take anything, well apart from a couple of bennies yesterday. I was just imagining myself in a boxing match with my addiction (uncle opiate) and I was starting to win.
I wonder about that too, especially lately, whether I'm better with my kids when I'm calmer and more quiet. But nah no way. Not at this age. I look back at my own childhood and I can honestly say that some of the best memories/lessons I have, are of him on the warpath raging about some such thing. I mean there was absolutely no doubt about who he was, where he stood or that he meant everything he said, right to the bottom of his soul.
He taught me to be passionate and real, and to fight for the things/people you love. And I mean I don't remember him ever TALKING about that stuff. It was just something that you knew about him, that everybody knew about him. Ok he used to go off and scare/hurt people sometimes, but there was never any doubt about who he was, where he was at, and that every word he said came from the bottom of his soul.
I reckon that my kids are always going to get both the good and the bad from me, no matter how well I try to hold my s*** together. Some of my best qualities as a person came from lessons learned in bad situations. All I'm saying is, like it or not, I am gonna be giving my kids big bowls full of crazy spicy strange exciting weird and scary food for the soul, every single day. And I'm not gonna always be able to pick and choose what I leave in that bowl. But that's life.
When I am on opiates, you know what my kids get from me? porridge. everyday, all day. and no matter how hard I try to funk it up with the occasional piece of fruit or spoon of honey, it will always just be f***en porridge. Well f*** that. No freaking way! Not my kids! Not anymore.
If I have to spend half my time struggling through my own problems, then so be it. I would rather give them the whole me half of the time, than half of me all the time.
I wonder about that too, especially lately, whether I'm better with my kids when I'm calmer and more quiet. But nah no way. Not at this age. I look back at my own childhood and I can honestly say that some of the best memories/lessons I have, are of him on the warpath raging about some such thing. I mean there was absolutely no doubt about who he was, where he stood or that he meant everything he said, right to the bottom of his soul.
He taught me to be passionate and real, and to fight for the things/people you love. And I mean I don't remember him ever TALKING about that stuff. It was just something that you knew about him, that everybody knew about him. Ok he used to go off and scare/hurt people sometimes, but there was never any doubt about who he was, where he was at, and that every word he said came from the bottom of his soul.
I reckon that my kids are always going to get both the good and the bad from me, no matter how well I try to hold my s*** together. Some of my best qualities as a person came from lessons learned in bad situations. All I'm saying is, like it or not, I am gonna be giving my kids big bowls full of crazy spicy strange exciting weird and scary food for the soul, every single day. And I'm not gonna always be able to pick and choose what I leave in that bowl. But that's life.
When I am on opiates, you know what my kids get from me? porridge. everyday, all day. and no matter how hard I try to funk it up with the occasional piece of fruit or spoon of honey, it will always just be f***en porridge. Well f*** that. No freaking way! Not my kids! Not anymore.
If I have to spend half my time struggling through my own problems, then so be it. I would rather give them the whole me half of the time, than half of me all the time.
by him I meant my Dad
ugh, I ramble so hard whenever I am about to crash. round and round we go, and then BOOM. Just tired real tired but taking heart from others success.
Read your post earlier but had super busy day then some devastating news early evening. Anyway big sigh of relief that I read your one post wrong. I wasn't quite sure who was defeating who. YOU ARE! I literally got huge sigh of relief when you clarified that one. Kinda odd to feel that 'oh no' feeling about someone I don't know, maybe because I feel we share/shared.a lot same symptoms and never knew anyone that did? Either way.I'm rooting for you! And rambling? Please!,I am queen of that. I tell people 'to make a long story short, blah blah blah' and get the response ' you mean to make a short story long' ha. I would reread what you wrote earlier but honestly super depressed tonight. But keep rambling ok
oh don't worry, ramble on I shall hahaha. bloody good day today. I got this. Yeah we are on the other side of the planet but still two peas in a pod (two peas with a mean streak haha). Anyway, I don't want you to feel like you have to read or post or whatever. I will march on no matter what happens. That said it has been a real bonus getting to trade stories with you. I can sometimes be inclined to think that my more intense feelings actions are a sure sign that something is wrong with me (sometimes), so it's good to remember that I'm just a person, and not so 'out there' after all.
I really hope you're ok. I'm sorry I can't do anything.
I really hope you're ok. I'm sorry I can't do anything.
Hiya almost, i love ya ramblings..its always a good read and sometimes gives me the giggles...so glad to hear today is also a good day for you! Time with our little people is the best hey, and your right, as they get older they start to understand and see things more clearly! You know most of the times i would take my kids to the chemist with me..just sort of had to you know..anyway My little man, who is 6 and a half...would always say "not the chemist again" or would even half answer the questions sometimes when they asked...like are you on any other meds..he say "no" and sometikes he woukd procede to say and she knows with food!!! How bad is that..my kid new it all cause he heard it 2 -3 times a day for years now...how bad that makes me feel now....so yep totally understand what u mean....anyway...im home now, feet up watching the box...waiting for bed...boring boring boring....
oh but boring is so goooood sometimes. And yeah absolutely, I felt so guilty about stuff like that but for them it's pretty much nothing. It would be a problem if it was years later and they knew exactly what was going on and had been going on for as long as they could remember. But we're sorting that mess. I get you though with the guilt. Watching them sometimes and thinking, is this effecting you? am I f***ing up my kids?! ahhhhh anyway. I swear, when I read the word boring, I suddenly felt so deliciously tired. It's only 6:30 pm but I'm hitting the hay (hopefully)
P.S. it makes me feel GOOD when you say I made you giggle. All warm in my belly pouch (the mighty boosh)
laterz onz matesz
P.S. it makes me feel GOOD when you say I made you giggle. All warm in my belly pouch (the mighty boosh)
laterz onz matesz
Your funny, obviously I wouldn't read you posts or write anything if I didn't want too. Your actually giving me alot of reflection and insight on my own recovery. I remember talking with a best friend who had quit maybe almost 2 years before me. I would call her, and she would say 'you can do this you gave birth' I would think wtf?! Were we taking the same drug here, cause having a baby didn't make me feel crazy! Well not until he started getting older,ha. As far as your feelings being intensified and what not, just part of your brain rewiring itself, but yeah can definitely get to feel a bit much!
I know, I just, ah f*** it, you're good, I'm good, all good. All told I had real good day yesterday. I got to hang out with my mum just the two of us. I grew up with my old boy so over the years, the time we spent was always quality. I mean she was never shy about pulling me up or setting me straight, but we always made the most of hanging out, be it making eachother laugh (she has an excellent quirky sense of humour) or having big deep and meaningfuls.
So yeah spending time with her, I just lifted out of the fog so to speak. I've appreciated being able to talk to her when I'm a bit down and out, but at the same time I didn't want her to worry or to think I couldn't handle it. She used to tell me that sometimes you gotta fake it till you make it (I bet that sounds familiar to some people).
Anyway great day. I found that once I was in high spirits the wd's kind of faded into the background. Still having trouble with sleep. I did finally pass out around midnight and woke up about 3am, so not ideal but so much better than nothing. wd's are at the worst when I just woke up, and when I haven't slept for ages. you know muscle and joint aches blah blah, but yeah. Getting the shrug shrug head shake thing more than ever now and sneezing a fair bit, but that's more just weird than nasty.
It's really really nice, when your a bit stressed and unsure, having someone tell you it's ok and not to freak out, someone who has been there. I really appreciate it. It's allowed me to just move on instead of getting stuck somewhere bad sometimes. You're a diamond.
Anyway 5:30 am, still dark, just me and the boy. I'm gonna go play video games with him.
Day 19 jebe opiates jebe methadone!
So yeah spending time with her, I just lifted out of the fog so to speak. I've appreciated being able to talk to her when I'm a bit down and out, but at the same time I didn't want her to worry or to think I couldn't handle it. She used to tell me that sometimes you gotta fake it till you make it (I bet that sounds familiar to some people).
Anyway great day. I found that once I was in high spirits the wd's kind of faded into the background. Still having trouble with sleep. I did finally pass out around midnight and woke up about 3am, so not ideal but so much better than nothing. wd's are at the worst when I just woke up, and when I haven't slept for ages. you know muscle and joint aches blah blah, but yeah. Getting the shrug shrug head shake thing more than ever now and sneezing a fair bit, but that's more just weird than nasty.
It's really really nice, when your a bit stressed and unsure, having someone tell you it's ok and not to freak out, someone who has been there. I really appreciate it. It's allowed me to just move on instead of getting stuck somewhere bad sometimes. You're a diamond.
Anyway 5:30 am, still dark, just me and the boy. I'm gonna go play video games with him.
Day 19 jebe opiates jebe methadone!
hello there,i want to ask something..after 3 days clean of methadone and take suboxone for another 4 or 5 days..then i stop taking suboxone,does methadone withdrawal will come back?
