You know I have sat down here quite a few times to write this and the words just would not seem to come.. I guess the best way is to just say it... I have been headed down a dark hole for awhile now.. I know why, it is a combination of alot of things but most of it is the drugs.. I have been taking more and more and many times I have told my self one day I am going to kill myself with these dam pills.. I was doing stupid s***.. I am sure that you know what I mean... I had quit taking my blood pressure and anti depressant thinking I could save money but more so that I was just in a bad place and was not thinking right... Last week was a really bad week and I knew something was wrong as the days went by.. I was taking more and more pills and taking some really heavy narcotics on top of other ones.. Last Thursday morning I took 20 mg of methadone and then on the way home.. Yes I was driving I took 15 mg of moriphine and then some soma, within an hour I took 45 more mg of moriphine.. I knew it was probably too much but did not care at that point.. That night was so weird.. I could not sleep I itched all over I was acting crazy from the pills.. Some how I made it thru the night and got up that morning and took 20 more mg of methadone.. by that afternoon I was out of it.. I was confused sick and could not even tell you what day it was.. My Sister had to come and get me.. I could not even dial my phone I had to get someone to dial it for me.. I of course thought maybe a stroke.. My speech was slurred and I did not have alot of control of my muscles.. I made no sense at all when I talked.. Of course I still did not tell the Dr about the pills, I just could not do it.. I was scared and ashamed.. I have never been that scared in my life.. My Sister took me home with her and I slept that night and the next day..I am better... I am off the pills have been since Sat.. I am not doing too bad which is amazing since I was taking alot of pills I mostly have the headaches and the restless legs.. I am scared right now and still have the want to take pills.. It really suprises me.. I could have died and I am still thinking of pills.. Thankfully I have a wonderful family they all know what happened and they are there for me.. and I love them for it.. I wrote this for one reason.. I never thought this could happen to me.. No not me... I was too smart.. Or at least I thought I was.. Please this can happen to you... It can happen to anyone.. God spared me this time.. I may not make it next time... an I do not want a next time...
Oh Honey...it is the disease of addiction....you can come close to death yet still want more pills...one is too many and a million not enough....I am glad you are ok. The answer is never in the pills...it is what is bugging you mentally. You sound very depressed and getting off your meds is NOT a good idea. I speak from experience. I stopped my AD's cause I was putting on too much weight...I didn'y realize how much of a difference they made. My suggestion to you is go back on your AD and come up with a plan of attack to get off the narcs. Are you precribed any of these drugs for pain mgt? If so, either take as rxed or look into a detox/rehab for the new year. Every day is a new beginning Paula...for what it's worth...I've been where you are and I do care. Love, Sharonn
Paula........
I know that had to take some major guts to post that, and I am so glad you did, so you can get the support you need right now.
There were times I can remember taking so much that I would become fearful of an overdose but I would keep on putting them in my mouth, Just becomes so out of control.
Have you thought about seeing an addiction specialist? I dont know where I would be without suboxone. That is something to give some thought to, especially if you are on a low dose of methadone already.
Take advantage of your family's support................Do everything you can to get all the help you deserve.
Keep posting, We are all here for you............
Big Hugs.
I know that had to take some major guts to post that, and I am so glad you did, so you can get the support you need right now.
There were times I can remember taking so much that I would become fearful of an overdose but I would keep on putting them in my mouth, Just becomes so out of control.
Have you thought about seeing an addiction specialist? I dont know where I would be without suboxone. That is something to give some thought to, especially if you are on a low dose of methadone already.
Take advantage of your family's support................Do everything you can to get all the help you deserve.
Keep posting, We are all here for you............
Big Hugs.
Sharonn and Java, Thankyou.. It really is not easy admitting you are a failure.. You know I thought I was so in control of this, I though I could not ever mess up and take to many.. But then again, somewhere in the back of my mind some thing was trying to tell me that I was messing up, I even kept telling myself I was going to end up killing my self.. but I still thought I was in control... I did not think I could get thru a day without the pills or at least I thought.. You will have to excuse my typing I am still alittle fuddled.. I am not prescribed any pills from a Dr.. I did this on my own.. I still want them though I think about them all the time.. but I am scared to take any and I am hoping that I continue to feel this way.. I need a easier life or at least a more normal life.. Thank you for caring it means alot.. and yes I need to quit isolating and get back in life..
Paula Oh sweetheart I agree it took alot for you to post that.You seem to be in so much pain.Dear Paula give yourself some credit...you realize what your doing can be deadly.Please talk with your Dr huny.If you could be open here you can to him.I may not talk with you much but Ive always thought alot of you.And I truley feel your worth more than you give yourself credit for.
Do you realize how many youve touched on this board???
And I can tell you first hand stopping your antidees cando so much harm huny?Saving $$$ or not YOU MUST JUST MUST do what is right for you.
No matter what NEVER GIVE UP PAULA IM JUST ABOUT BEGGING YOU to talk with your Dr & let HIM tell YOU what you need to do PLEASE
As I said we may not talk much but it hurts to know your in this much pain
This may not mean much but it comes from my heart....I CARE FOR YOU & YOU MUST JUST MUST FIND THE STRENGTH TO PULL YOURSELF BACK UP
Love Molly
Do you realize how many youve touched on this board???
And I can tell you first hand stopping your antidees cando so much harm huny?Saving $$$ or not YOU MUST JUST MUST do what is right for you.
No matter what NEVER GIVE UP PAULA IM JUST ABOUT BEGGING YOU to talk with your Dr & let HIM tell YOU what you need to do PLEASE
As I said we may not talk much but it hurts to know your in this much pain
This may not mean much but it comes from my heart....I CARE FOR YOU & YOU MUST JUST MUST FIND THE STRENGTH TO PULL YOURSELF BACK UP
Love Molly
Paula
Have you given any thought to NA? You need some support, more than this board can give you. Give it a try?
Have you given any thought to NA? You need some support, more than this board can give you. Give it a try?
(((((((((((((((paula))))))))))))))))))))
oh my goodness.............i love u.
i am so sorry..........i hate this disease.
please know that i am praying fro you.
i am so glad you posted...........
we all understand..........
oh man...........i wish i could give you a hug paula........
sounds like you have a lovely family..........
bless their hearts and yours to.
thumper
oh my goodness.............i love u.
i am so sorry..........i hate this disease.
please know that i am praying fro you.
i am so glad you posted...........
we all understand..........
oh man...........i wish i could give you a hug paula........
sounds like you have a lovely family..........
bless their hearts and yours to.
thumper
Paula states-"It really is not easy admitting you are a failure.".
You are not a failure.
You have a disease that needs attention.Unfortunately,it's not going away.The disease grows whether you use or not.Each time you relapse,it takes off from where it was and continues to get worse.It also effects your thought processes.Until you start addressing the whole picture you will be obsessed with getting your fix.
I'm just like you.No better or no worse.I got sick and tired of pills controlling my existence.It wasn't enough to stop taking them,I had to get to the root of the problem which was me.
I'm still doing it.I will never be finished but today I'm not consumed with taking a substance to alter my feelings.I deal with them.Not gracefully all the time but it's better than the alternative.
I did it by going to meetings,working the twelve steps,intensive therapy and trying to keep an open mind.You need to do something that works for you.The program is free but not everyone connects.
Something will have to change with you.Its not just about quitting.
Keep us updated.
You are not a failure.
You have a disease that needs attention.Unfortunately,it's not going away.The disease grows whether you use or not.Each time you relapse,it takes off from where it was and continues to get worse.It also effects your thought processes.Until you start addressing the whole picture you will be obsessed with getting your fix.
I'm just like you.No better or no worse.I got sick and tired of pills controlling my existence.It wasn't enough to stop taking them,I had to get to the root of the problem which was me.
I'm still doing it.I will never be finished but today I'm not consumed with taking a substance to alter my feelings.I deal with them.Not gracefully all the time but it's better than the alternative.
I did it by going to meetings,working the twelve steps,intensive therapy and trying to keep an open mind.You need to do something that works for you.The program is free but not everyone connects.
Something will have to change with you.Its not just about quitting.
Keep us updated.
Paula!! I'm so sorry to hear this!!!
Like Tim said, you're not a failure.
please please get yourself to some meetings. Have you ever tried them?? You need to sweetie,. you need support, and you have got to keep telling on yourself.
I know how alone you feel/felt...you don't have to go through that alone.
Don't stop your AD again!!! I did the same thing, (a lot of you may remember that awful night) and almost died.
Please take care of yourself. i love you. if you need to talk email me at kaylinsmom440@yahoo.com
love
stac
Like Tim said, you're not a failure.
please please get yourself to some meetings. Have you ever tried them?? You need to sweetie,. you need support, and you have got to keep telling on yourself.
I know how alone you feel/felt...you don't have to go through that alone.
Don't stop your AD again!!! I did the same thing, (a lot of you may remember that awful night) and almost died.
Please take care of yourself. i love you. if you need to talk email me at kaylinsmom440@yahoo.com
love
stac
Hey Paula:
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. I agree with everyone else who mentioned: YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You have a disease, it is called addiction. It needs to be treated and unforunately, just quitting taking the pills is not enough.
Get some help with all of this, it is so much better when you do...and you have food for thought, and things to work on that make a difference in your life. It is a little like driving somewhere you have never been....you wouldn't do that without directions and a map, would you?
Hey Paula, this is just a thought...but you not taking your anti-depressant and stopping it suddenly...imo, this could cause "obsessive" thoughts...and some of that stuff running through your mind might be more "obsessive" than cravings. Does that make any sense? Maybe you should be taking your anti-depressant, but for sure YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE ANY MEDICATION THAT IS NOT PRESCRIBED BY A DOCTOR....and also, you most likely should tell your Dr. about your problem.
Hang in there Paula...I wish you the very best.
Peace.
Sarah (not feeling clever)
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. I agree with everyone else who mentioned: YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You have a disease, it is called addiction. It needs to be treated and unforunately, just quitting taking the pills is not enough.
Get some help with all of this, it is so much better when you do...and you have food for thought, and things to work on that make a difference in your life. It is a little like driving somewhere you have never been....you wouldn't do that without directions and a map, would you?
Hey Paula, this is just a thought...but you not taking your anti-depressant and stopping it suddenly...imo, this could cause "obsessive" thoughts...and some of that stuff running through your mind might be more "obsessive" than cravings. Does that make any sense? Maybe you should be taking your anti-depressant, but for sure YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE ANY MEDICATION THAT IS NOT PRESCRIBED BY A DOCTOR....and also, you most likely should tell your Dr. about your problem.
Hang in there Paula...I wish you the very best.
Peace.
Sarah (not feeling clever)
Paula:
You are definitely not a failure. I am glad you are here posting. Keep that door of willingness open and I hope you get back to some meetings and get some face to face support.
~Rachel
You are definitely not a failure. I am glad you are here posting. Keep that door of willingness open and I hope you get back to some meetings and get some face to face support.
~Rachel
Paula, I agree, you are not a failure....you are an addict and this addict thinking gets us into trouble sometimes. I hope that you have started back on your AD, there's a reason that they tell you not to stop abruptly. I am so glad that you are back here and that you have been honest with us. Find a meeting or a counselor, if sub seems to be the answer find a dr to prescribe that. Just never, ever give up! We will love you until you are able to love yourself!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Hey Paula, I completely ditto what Tim said, and everyone else.
Tim, you are getting damn eloquent.
Paula, I am so glad that you are okay. Relapse sometimes is a powerful tool and teaches us just how bad this disease is; that we absolutely must surrender to the idea that we are powerless over drugs.
We can no longer use safely. Period. Sometimes it takes a few raw slaps before we will begin to admit this fully to our innermost selves, but when we do, it is freedom.
We just can't use.
I hope you get what you need and please don't feel ashamed...shame only weakens us anyway.
Tim, you are getting damn eloquent.
Paula, I am so glad that you are okay. Relapse sometimes is a powerful tool and teaches us just how bad this disease is; that we absolutely must surrender to the idea that we are powerless over drugs.
We can no longer use safely. Period. Sometimes it takes a few raw slaps before we will begin to admit this fully to our innermost selves, but when we do, it is freedom.
We just can't use.
I hope you get what you need and please don't feel ashamed...shame only weakens us anyway.
Paula, Dear Paula, I know how much strength it took to come here and post this, and for that I applaud you. You got honest with us, now you need to get honest with yourself.
I have to admit something here Paula, and I may get slammed for it. First of all, I love you, and anything I am about to say is said with nothing but love and concern for your well being.
I am damn near speechless. Did you ever quit? All those days you said you were clean, were you really?
We have talked, and you assured me you were not using. So what? Addicts lie, all do. But you don't have to lie to me. I wanted to help you, as best I could, but you assured me you weren't there yet, only "thinking" about relapsing. I know I couldn't have stopped you, and probably there was nothing I could have done if you had admitted it, but I still wish you could have been honest 2-3 months ago. I sure that is why you quit returning my phone calls. You won't even give me your new email address. If you had, I would be writing you this in an email and not on this public board. Not sure why you wouldn't let me have it, but I suspected it was because you had something to hide.
This has been going on now for over a year, Paula, and you have lied to me so much, I don't know what to believe anymore. Again, I don't mean to make this about me and my hurt feelings, I am just saying that it has made me realize how deep in this hole you are, that you would deny, and lie, month after month, for this long.
I hate to come down on you, but something has got to change. You know it is not like me to not be super-sweet, tough love is not my style. But you have pushed me by being so dishonest with me for so long, and it scares the hell out of me, because I know this disease has you tightly in it's grasp, and I am afraid you aren't going to do the things you need to do now to get your life back and get the help you need.
You went to a few meetings, and didn't like them. I think you need to push aside whatever objections you had to them, and give them a thorough chance this time. Your way hasn't been working for a long time, my friend, don't you think it is time to try something different?
How about rehab? I know you, and you will say you can't do that, can't afford it, have to take care of the family, etc, Well, who's going to take care of them when you aren't around, Paula?
You really need to give some serious thought to taking care of Paula now and let the rest of them fend for theirselves. They are grown ups, Paula, they can do it. And I know they would be glad to see you take a positive step like that for yourself and your health. PLEASE think about doing something drastic this time Paula.
Going back home to where the pills live is not going to get it. You have pills all around you everyday, and it's got to be very hard not to use when you are in a situation like that. Without the proper tools in place, most addicts would break down and use.
Everyone has said it, and I will reiiterate, you are not a failure. You have a disease, and it is not going away just because you stop taking pain pills for a few days. There is so much more to it, so much more work you are going to need to do to get it right.
I am ready, people, let me have it. I love Paula, she is my friend and my neigh bor, and we have met a couple of times. I would do anything in the world for her, but I can not stand by any longer and tell her it's OK. It's not OK and she has got to get real now and make some major changes in her fight. I am sorry if I have been harsh. I truly do not know how to give tough love!LOL Never done it, but I care enough about Paula to do it with her now, so please excuse my tone if it wasn't nice. I am very worried about Paula, and only want to get through to her the seriousness of where she is.
With love and respect, Carol
Gemz ..I pulled this out for someone on the meth board today. Now I am reposting it over here on the pain pill board just for you there is so much truth to it. Cry your eyes out feel bad get it out and get over it but remember that there is a solution. Redemtion is right where you fell.
Start over..... .
START OVER
When you've trusted God and walked his way
When you've felt his hand lead you day by day
But your steps now take you another way ...
Start over.
When you've made your plans and they've gone awry
When you've tried your best and there's no more try
When you've failed yourself and you don't know why ...
Start over.
When you've told your friends what you plan to do
When you've trusted them and they didn't come through
And you're all alone and it's up to you ...
Start over.
When you've failed your kids and they're grown and gone
When you've done your best but it's turned out wrong
And now your grandchildren come along ...
Start over.
When you've prayed to God so you'll know his will
When you've prayed and prayed and you don't know still ...
When you want to stop cause you've had your fill ...
Start over.
When you think you're finished and want to quit
When you've bottomed out in life's deepest pit
When you've tried and tried to get out of it ...
Start over.
When the year has been long and successes few
When December comes and you're feeling blue
God gives a January just for you ...
Start over.
Starting over means "Victories Won"
Starting over means "A Race Well Run"
Starting over means "God's Will Done"
Don't just sit there ..............
START OVER
by Woodrow Kroll
Love,
Jane
Start over..... .
START OVER
When you've trusted God and walked his way
When you've felt his hand lead you day by day
But your steps now take you another way ...
Start over.
When you've made your plans and they've gone awry
When you've tried your best and there's no more try
When you've failed yourself and you don't know why ...
Start over.
When you've told your friends what you plan to do
When you've trusted them and they didn't come through
And you're all alone and it's up to you ...
Start over.
When you've failed your kids and they're grown and gone
When you've done your best but it's turned out wrong
And now your grandchildren come along ...
Start over.
When you've prayed to God so you'll know his will
When you've prayed and prayed and you don't know still ...
When you want to stop cause you've had your fill ...
Start over.
When you think you're finished and want to quit
When you've bottomed out in life's deepest pit
When you've tried and tried to get out of it ...
Start over.
When the year has been long and successes few
When December comes and you're feeling blue
God gives a January just for you ...
Start over.
Starting over means "Victories Won"
Starting over means "A Race Well Run"
Starting over means "God's Will Done"
Don't just sit there ..............
START OVER
by Woodrow Kroll
Love,
Jane
Jane, I LOVE THAT! I am copying it and putting it right here on my desk. Thanks.
Thanks Carol I got it here I don't know who posted it originally but I loved it. Anyway I have to post this. It was huge in early recovery for me. It says it all just dare you to move. Do something but don't do nothing. Gemz- You have to dare do something. Be brave life goes on no matter what.......
"Dare You To Move"
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next
[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
[Chorus]
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before
"Dare You To Move"
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next
[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
[Chorus]
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before
there before the grace of God go i, paula. heck, i did go there and it was the grace of God that led me to rooms of the 12 steps. do you know what the grace of God is?
what can we do to help you, dear one? believe or not, you deserve to live a life that happy, joyous, and free - free from drug abuse...free from ego...free from fear.
big hugs and tons of encouragement to you.
namaste' ~
sammy
what can we do to help you, dear one? believe or not, you deserve to live a life that happy, joyous, and free - free from drug abuse...free from ego...free from fear.
big hugs and tons of encouragement to you.
namaste' ~
sammy
Was that for me Sammy? Am I being less than I should be? I am sorry. I am just so frutstrated, and I care about Paula so much.
Was I there? Yes. Did I do the same thing? Absolutely. But the day came when I had to own up to it and try to turn it around. Have I got it perfect? No. I never will. But I have come a long way, and I still trying each and every day.
Maybe it wasn't meant for me, and I am just feeling guilty.
Whatever, I am sorry, Paula. I care about you, and what happens to you. And I haven't seen you get honest yet, after all that we have been through together. And it hurts to see you hurting, and not be willing to give another way a chance.
That;s all I am going to say.
Was I there? Yes. Did I do the same thing? Absolutely. But the day came when I had to own up to it and try to turn it around. Have I got it perfect? No. I never will. But I have come a long way, and I still trying each and every day.
Maybe it wasn't meant for me, and I am just feeling guilty.
Whatever, I am sorry, Paula. I care about you, and what happens to you. And I haven't seen you get honest yet, after all that we have been through together. And it hurts to see you hurting, and not be willing to give another way a chance.
That;s all I am going to say.
hey paula im so sorry u have been feeling so blue. this has been a great learning post for me too, as evertime i would fall i would look for pills to make it all better, but in the end they really just made it worse. but the next time somthing would go wrong again, i would immediatley just think that i needed pillls to help me get through. to this day this is a problem i work on. i guess I am the problem and its true what others have said, about getting on top of the actuall prob and not just sugarcoating it with pills.
Jane, that was a lovely poem about starting over. im going to write it out and give one copy to my nan as she loves reading those and put one up in my room!
i hope ur feeling better very soon paula. i may not post as much these days but i still think of u all my friends!!! xoxxoxox
Jane, that was a lovely poem about starting over. im going to write it out and give one copy to my nan as she loves reading those and put one up in my room!
i hope ur feeling better very soon paula. i may not post as much these days but i still think of u all my friends!!! xoxxoxox
